'• 


<£"  <^ 


(i 


* 


\. 


\. 


A    CONNECTICUT   YANKEE 

IN 

KING  ARTHUR'S  COURT 


BY 

MARK    TWAIN 


NEW    YORK   AND   LONDON 
HARPER    &    BROTHERS    PUBLISHERS 


"Un- 


UNIFORM  EDITION  OF 
MARK      TWAIN'S      WORKS 

Red  Cloth.      Crown  8vo. 

CHRISTIAN  SCIENCE.     Illustrated.  $i-75 

THE  AMERICAN  CLAIMANT,  Etc.  i-7S 

A  CONNECTICUT  YANKEE.     Illustrated.  1.75 

HUCKLEBERRY  FINN.     Illustrated.  i-75 

PRINCE  AND    PAUPER.      Illustrated.  1.75 

LIFE  ON  THE    MISSISSIPPI.      Illustrated.  1.75 
THE  MAN  THAT  CORRUPTED    HADLEYBURG, 

Etc.     Illustrated.  1.7  5 

TOM  SAWYER  ABROAD,   Etc.      Illustrated.  1.75 

ADVENTURES  OP  TOM  SAWYER.     Illustrated.  1.75 

PUDD'NHEAD   WILSON.      Illustrated.  1.75 

SKETCHES    NEW   AND    OLD.     Illustrated.  1.75 

THE  $30,000  BEQUEST,  Etc.     Illustrated.  1.75 

INNOCENTS   ABROAD.      Illustrated.  2.00 

ROUGHING  IT.     Illustrated.  2.00 

A  TRAMP  ABROAD.      Illustrated.  2.00 

THE  GI^DEU  Acs.      Llu?trated.  2.00 

FOLLOWING  THE  EQJAVOR.     Illustrated.  2.00 

JOAN  OF  ARC.      Illustrated.  2.50 
In  Half  Leather,  $1.25  pec  volume  extra 

Other  Books  by  Mark   Twain 

EXTRACTS  FROM  ADAM'S  DIARY.    Illustrated.  $ 

EVE'S  DIARY.     Illustrated.  .00 

A  DOG'S  TALE.     Illustrated.  i.oo 
THE  JUMPING  FROG      Illustrated. 
How  TO  TELL  A  STORY,  Etc. 
A  DOUBLE-BARRELLED   DETECTIVE   STORY. 
Illustrated. 


Copyright,  1889,  by  S.  L.  CLEMENS. 


All  rights  reserved. 


Ai 


In  compliance  with  current  copyright 

law,  U.  C.  Library  Bindery  produced 

this  replacement  volume  on  paper 

that  meets  the  ANSI  Standard  Z39.48 

1984  to  replace  the  irreparably 

deteriorated  original 

1996 


CONTENTS 


FAGS 

Preface .  ix 


A    WORD    OF    EXPLANATION 


CHAPTER   I 
Camelot 9 

CHAPTER    II 
King  Arthur's  Court 12 

CHAPTER    III 
Knights  of  the  Table  Round 20 

CHAPTER    IV 
Sir  Dinadan  the  Humorist 28 

CHAPTER   V 
An  Inspiration 32 

CHAPTER   VI 
The  Eclipse 39 

CHAPTER    VII 
Merlin's  Tower 48 

CHAPTER    VIII 
The  Boss 56 

CHAPTER    IX 
The  Tournament  64 


iv 


CHAPTER    X  PAGE 

Beginnings  of  Civilization 71 

CHAPTER    XI 
The  Yankee  in  Search  of  Adventures     ...» 77 

CHAPTER    XII 
Slow  Torture 87 

CHAPTER   XIII 
Freemen  ! 93 

CHAPTER    XIV 
"Defend  Thee,  Lord!" 104 

CHAPTER    XV 
Sandy's  Tale 109 

CHAPTER    XVI 
Morgan  le  Fay 120 

CHAPTER    XVII 
A  Royal  Banquet 129 

CHAPTER    XVIII 
In  the  Queen's  Dungeons 141 

CHAPTER    XIX 
Knight  Errantry  as  a  Trade 155 

CHAPTER    XX 
The  Ogre's  Castle 160 

CHAPTER    XXI 
The  Pilgrims 169 

CHAPTER    XXII 
The  Holy  Fountain 185 

CHAPTER    XXIII 
Restoration  of  the  Fountain 199 


CHAPTER   XXIV  PAGB 

A  Rival  Magician 210 

CHAPTER   XXV 
A  Competitive  Examination 224 

CHAPTER   XXVI 
The  First  Newspaper 240  • 

CHAPTER   XXVII 
The  Yankee  and  the  King  Travel  Incognito 253 

CHAPTER    XXVIII 
Drilling  the  King 264 

CHAPTER   XXIX 
The  Small-Pox  Hut 270 

CHAPTER    XXX 
The  Tragedy  of  the  Manor-House 278 

CHAPTER   XXXI 
Marco 291 

CHAPTER    XXXII 
Dowley's  Humiliation 300 

CHAPTER    XXXIII 
Sixth  Century  Political  Economy 309 

CHAPTER    XXXIV 
The  Yankee  and  the  King  Sold  as  Slaves 324 

CHAPTER   XXXV 
A  Pitiful  Incident 339 

CHAPTER    XXXVI 
An  Encounter  in  the  Dark 348 

CHAPTER    XXXVII 
An  Awful  Predicament 353 


vi 


CHAPTER   XXXW1I 

Sir  Launcelot  and  Knights  to  the  Rescue 363 

CHAPTER   XXXIX 
The  Yankee's  Fight  with  the  Knights 367 


CHAPTER  XL 
CHAPTER  XLI 
CHAPTER  XLII 


Three  Years  Later _o 


The  Interdict 3go 


CHAPTER   XLIII 
The  Battle  of  the  Sand-Belt 


396 


411 


CHAPTER   XLIV 
A  Postscript  by  Clarence <  428 

Final  P.  S.  by  M.  T 43I 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


"l    SAW   HE    MEANT    BUSINESS"         ....     Frontispiece 
THE    KING  ............      Facing  page     44 

"THERE   WAS    NO   SOAP,  NO   MATCHES,  NO 

LOOKING-GLASS"  ........  "  50 

"INHERITED  IDEAS  ARE  A  CURIOUS  THING''  60 

"  'GREAT  SCOTT!  CAN'T  YOU  UNDERSTAND  A 

LITTLE  THING  LIKE  THAT?'".  ...  *  80 

"SHE  CONTINUED  TO  FETCH  AND  POUR 

UNTIL  I  WAS  WELL  SOAKED".  ...  90 

"THEY  CAME  IN  A  BODY,  THEY  CAME  WITH 

A  WHIRR"  ..........  106 

"  WE  WERE  CHALLENGED  BY  THE  WARDERS, 

AND  AFTER  PARLEY  ADMITTED"     .     .  124 

KING  URIENS      ..........  126 

"  *  THEN  SIR  MARHAUS  RAN  TO  THE  DUKE, 

AND  SMOTE  HIM  WITH  HIS  SPEAR'"  .  I$6 

'"THERE  ARE  WAYS  TO  PERSUADE  HIM  TO 


"SANDY  WAS  WORN  OUT  WITH  NURSING''  .  212 

"'NEXT!'"     ...........  "           228 

"'HAST  SEEN  SIR  LAUXCELOT  ABOUT?'"     .  242 

SOLID  COMFORT  ..........  25° 


"TO    THE   GENTLEMAN    HE   WAS   ABJECT "      .     Facing  page   292 

THE    FEAST       ...  « 

.       .  304 

"i  AM  FOR  PROTECTION!" «  3IO 

KNIGHTS    PRACTISING    ON    THE    QUIET        .       .  "  364 
"GREAT   SCOTT!     BUT    THERE  WAS    A    SENSA- 

T10N" 374 

"so  WE  TOOK  A  MAN-OF-WAR"     ....  »  388 

SIR   MORDRED «  3^g 

"THE   SUN    STRUCK    THE    SEA   OF   ARMOR 

AND  SET  IT  ALL  AFLASH  "     ....  "  4I6 
HIGH  CHURCH « 


PREFACE 


THE  ungentle  laws  and  customs  touched  upon  in 
this  tale  are  historical,  and  the  episodes  which  are 
used  to  illustrate  them  are  also  historical.  It  is  not 
pretended  that  these  laws  and  customs  existed  in 
England  in  the  sixth  century  ;  no,  it  is  only  pretended 
that  inasmuch  as  they  existed  in  the  English  and 
other  civilizations  of  far  later  times,  it  is  safe  to  con 
sider  that  it  is  no  libel  upon  the  sixth  century  to  sup 
pose  them  to  have  been  in  practice  in  that  day  also. 
One  is  quite  justified  in  inferring  that  whatever  one 
of  these  laws  or  customs  was  lacking  in  that  remote 
time,  its  place  was  competently  filled  by  a  worse  one. 

The  question  as  to  whether  there  is  such  a  thing  as 
divine  right  of  kings  is  not  settled  in  this  book.  It 
was  found  too  difficult.  That  the  executive  head  of 
a  nation  should  be  a  person  of  lofty  character  and  ex 
traordinary  ability,  was  manifest  and  indisputable ; 
that  none  but  the  Deity  could  select  that  head  unerr 
ingly,  was  also  manifest  and  indisputable ;  that  the 
Deity  ought  to  make  that  selection,  then,  was  likewise 


manifest  and  indisputable ;  consequently,  that  He 
does  make  it,  as  claimed,  was  an  unavoidable  deduc 
tion.  I  mean,  until  the  author  of  this  book  encountered 
the  Pompadour,  and  Lady  Castlemaine  and  some 
other  executive  heads  of  that  kind ;  these  were  found 
so  difficult  to  work  into  the  scheme,  that  it  was  judged 
better  to  take  the  other  tack  in  this  book,  (which  must 
be  issued  this  fall,)  and  then  go  into  training  and  set 
tle  the  question  in  another  book.  It  is  of  course  a 
thing  which  ought  to  be  settled,  and  I  am  not  going 
to  have  anything  particular  to  do  next  winter  anyway  0 

MARK  TWAIN. 


^ 


V  ^  rr 

V:  r-j    ^\  ^ 

n\{    ^  > 


A   CONNECTICUT    YANKEE    IN 
KING  ARTHUR'S  COURT 


A  WORD   OF   EXPLANATION 

IT  was  in  Warwick  Castle  that  I  came  across  the 
curious  stranger  whom  I  am  going  to  talk  about.  He 
attracted  me  by  three  things :  his  candid  simplicity, 
his  marvelous  familiarity  with  ancient  armor,  and  the 
restfulness  of  his  company — for  he  did  all  the  talking. 
We  fell  together,  as  modest  people  will,  in  the  tail  of 
the  herd  that  was  being  shown  through,  and  he  at 
once  began  to  say  things  which  interested  me.  As 
he  talked  along,  softly,  pleasantly,  flowingly,  he  seemed 
to  drift  away  imperceptibly  out  of  this  world  and 
time,  and  into  some  remote  era  and  old  forgotten 
country ;  and  so  he  gradually  wove  such  a  spell  about 
me  that  I  seemed  to  move  among  the  spectres  and 
shadows  and  dust  and  mold  of  a  gray  antiquity,  hold 
ing  speech  with  a  relic  of  it!  Exactly  as  I  would 
speak  of  my  nearest  personal  friends  or  enemies,  or 
my  most  familiar  neighbors,  he  spoke  of  Sir  Bedivere, 
Sir  Bors  de  Ganis,  Sir  Launcelot  of  the  Lake,  Sir 
Galahad,  and  all  the  other  great  names  of  the  Table 
Round — and  how  old,  old,  unspeakably  old  and  faded 

I  CY 


and  dry  and  musty  and  ancient  he  came  to  look  as  he 
went  on!  Presently  he  turned  to  me  and  said,  just 
as  one  might  speak  of  ihe  weather,  or  any  other  com 
mon  matter — 

"  You  know  about  transmigration  of  souls ;  do  you 
know  about  transposition  of  epochs — and  bodies?" 

I  said  I  had  not  heard  of  it.  He  was  so  little  inter 
ested — just  as  when  people  speak  of  the  weather — that 
he  did  not  notice  whether  I  made  him  any  answer  or 
not.  There  was  half  a  moment  of  silence,  immediately 
interrupted  by  the  droning  voice  of  the  salaried  cice 
rone: 

"  Ancient  hauberk,  date  of  the  sixth  century,  time 
of  King  Arthur  and  the  Round  Table ;  said  to  have 
belonged  to  the  knight  Sir  Sagramor  le  Desirous ;  ob 
serve  the  round  hole  through  the  chain-mail  in  the 
left  breast ;  can't  be  accounted  for ;  supposed  to  have 
been  done  with  a  bullet  since  invention  of  firearms — 
perhaps  maliciously  by  Cromwell's  soldiers." 

My  acquaintance  smiled — not  a  modern  smile,  but 
one  that  must  have  gone  out  of  general  use  many, 
many  centuries  ago — and  muttered  apparently  to  him 
self: 

"  Wit  ye  well,  /  saw  it  done"  Then,  after  a  pause, 
added  :  "  I  did  it  myself." 

By  the  time  I  had  recovered  from  the  electric  sur 
prise  of  this  remark,  he  was  gone. 

All  that  evening  I  sat  by  my  fire  at  the  Warwick 
Arms,  steeped  in  a  dream  of  the  olden  time,  while  the 
rain  beat  upon  the  windows,  and  the  wind  roared 
about  the  eaves  and  corners.  From  time  to  time  I 
dipped  into  old  Sir  Thomas  Malory's  enchanting  book, 
and  fed  at  its  rich  feast  of  prodigies  and  adventures, 


breathed  in  the  fragrance  of  its  obsolete  names,  and 
dreamed  again.  Midnight  being  come  at  length,  I 
read  another  tale,  for  a  night-cap — this  which  here  fol 
lows,  to  wit : 


HOW   SIR   LAUNCELOT    SLEW  TWO   GIANTS,   AND 
MADE  A  CASTLE   FREE 

Anon  withal  came  there  upon  him  two  great  giants,  well 
armed,  all  save  the  heads,  with  two  horrible  clubs  in  their 
hands.  Sir  Launcelot  put  his  shield  afore  him,  and  put  the 
stroke  away  of  the  one  giant,  and  with  his  sword  he  clave  his 
head  asunder.  When  his  fellow  saw  that,  he  ran  away  as  he 
were  wood,*  for  fear  of  the  horrible  strokes,  and  Sir  Launcelot 
after  him  with  all  his  might,  and  smote  him  on  the  shoulder, 
and  clave  him  to  the  middle.  Then  Sir  Launcelot  went  into 
the  hall,  and  there  came  afore  him  three  score  ladies  and  dam 
sels,  and  all  kneeled  unto  him,  and  thanked  God  and  him  of 
their  deliverance.  For,  sir,  said  they,  the  most  part  of  us  have 
been  here  this  seven  year  their  prisoners,  and  we  have  worked 
all  manner  of  silk  works  for  our  meat,  and  we  are  all  great 
gentlewomen  born,  and  blessed  be  the  time,  knight,  that  ever 
thou  wert  born ;  for  thou  hast  done  the  most  worship  that 
ever  did  knight  in  the  world,  that  will  we  bear  record,  and  we 
all  pray  you  to  tell  us  your  name,  that  we  may  tell  our  friends 
who  delivered  us  out  of  prison.  Fair  damsels,  he  said,  my 
name  is  Sir  Launcelot  du  Lake.  And  so  he  departed  from 
them  and  betaught  them  unto  God.  And  then  he  mounted 
upon  his  horse,  and  rode  into  many  strange  and  wild  countries, 
and  through  many  waters  and  valleys,  and  evil  was  he  lodged. 
And  at  the  last  by  fortune  him  happened  against  a  night  to  come 
to  a  fair  courtilage,  and  therein  he  found  an  old  gentlewoman 
that  lodged  him  with  a  good-will,  and  there  he  had  good  cheer 
for  him  and  his  horse.  And  when  time  was,  his  host  brought 
him  into  a  fair  garret  over  the  gate  to  his  bed.  There  Sir 
Launcelot  unarmed  him,  and  set  his  harness  by  him,  and  went 

*  Demented 


to  oed,  and  anon  he  fell  on  sleep.  So,  soon  after  there  came 
one  on  horseback,  and  knocked  at  the  gate  in  great  haste. 
And  when  Sir  Launcelot  heard  this  he  rose  up,  and  looked 
out  at  the  window,  and  saw  by  the  moonlight  three  knights 
come  riding  after  that  one  man,  and  all  three  lashed  on  him 
at  once  with  swords,  and  that  one  knight  turned  on  them 
knightly  again  and  defended  him.  Truly,  said  Sir  Launcelot, 
yonder  one  knight  shall  I  help,  for  it  were  shame  for  me  to 
see  three  knights  on  one,  and  if  he  be  slain  I  am  partner  of 
his  death.  And  therewith  he  took  his  harness  and  went  out 
at  a  window  by  a  sheet  down  to  the  four  knights,  and  then  Sir 
Launcelot  said  on  high,  Turn  you  knights  unto  me,  and  leave 
your  fighting  witn  that  knight.  And  then  they  all  three  left 
Sir  Kay,  and  turned  unto  Sir  Launcelot,  and  there  began  great 
battle,  for  they  alight  all  three,  and  strake  many  strokes  at 
Sir  Launcelot,  and  assailed  him  on  every  side.  Then  Sir  Kay 
dressed  him  for  to  have  holpen  Sir  Launcelot.  Nay,  sir,  said 
he,  I  will  none  of  your  help,  therefore  as  ye  will  have  my  help 
let  me  alone  with  them.  Sir  Kay  for  the  pleasure  of  the  knight 
suffered  him  for  to  do  his  will,  and  so  stood  aside.  And  then 
anon  within  six  strokes  Sir  Launcelot  had  stricken  them  to  the 
earth. 

And  then  they  all  three  cried,  Sir  knight,  we  yield  us  unto 
you  as  man  of  might  matchless.  As  to  that,  said  Sir  Launce 
lot,  I  will  not  take  your  yielding  unto  me,  but  sp  that  ye  yield 
you  unto  Sir  Kay  the  seneschal,  on  that  covenant  I  will  save 
your  lives  and  else  not.  Fair  knight,  said  they,  that  were  we 
loath  to  do  ;  for  as  for  Sir  Kay  we  chased  him  hither,  and  had 
overcome  him  had  ye  not  been ;  therefore,  to  yield"  us  unto 
him  it  were  no  reason.  Well,  as  to  that,  said  Sir  Launcelot, 
advise  you  well,  for  ye  may  choose  whether  ye  will  die  or  live, 
for  an  ye  be  yielden,  it  shall  be  unto  Sir  Kay.  Fair  knight, 
then  they  said,  in  saving  our  lives  we  will  do  as  thou  com- 
mandest  us.  Then  shall  ye,  said  Sir  Launcelot,  on  Whitsunday 
next  coming  go  unto  the  court  of  King  Arthur,  and  there  shall 
ye  yield  you  unto  Queen  Guenever,  and  put  you  all  three  in 
her  grace  and  mercy,  and  say  that  Sir  Kay  sent  you  thither  to 
be  her  prisoners.  On  the  morn  Sir  Launcelot  arose  early,  and 
left  Sir  Kay  sleeping :  and  Sir  Launcelot  took  Sir  Kay's  armor 


and  his  shield  and  armed  him,  and  so  he  went  to  the  stable 
and  took  his  horse,  and  took  his  leave  of  his  host,  and  so  he  de 
parted.  Then  soon  after  arose  Sir  Kay  and  missed  Sir  Launce- 
lot :  and  then  he  espied  that  he  had  his  armor  and  his  horse. 
Now  by  my  faith  I  know  well  that  he  will  grieve  some  of  the 
court  of  King  Arthur:  for  on  him  knights  will  be  bold,  and 
deem  that  it  is  I,  and  that  will  beguile  them  ;  and  because  of 
his  armor  and  shield  I  am  sure  I  shall  ride  in  peace.  And 
then  soon  after  departed  Sir  Kay,  and  thanked  his  host. 

As  I  laid  the  book  down  there  was  a  knock  at  the 
door,  and  my  stranger  came  in.  I  gave  him  a  pipe 
and  a  chair,  and  made  him  welcome.  I  also  com 
forted  him  with  a  hot  Scotch  whiskey ;  gave  him  an 
other  one ;  then  still  another — hoping  always  for  his 
story.  After  a  fourth  persuader,  he  drifted  into  it 
himself,  in  a  quite  simple  and  natural  way : 


THE    STRANGER'S    HISTORY 

I  am  an  American.  I  was  born  and  reared  in  Hart 
ford,  in  the  State  of  Connecticut — anyway,  just  over 
the  river,  in  the  country.  So  I  am  a  Yankee  of  the 
Yankees  —  and  practical :  yes,  and  nearly  barren  of 
'sentiment,  I  suppose — or  poetry,  in  other  words.  My 
father  was  a  blacksmith,  my  uncle  was  a  horse  doctor, 
and  I  was  both,  along  at  first.  Then  I  went  over  to 
the  great  arms  factory  and  learned  my  real  trade ; 
learned  all  there  was  to  it ;  learned  to  make  every 
thing  :  guns,  revolvers,  cannon,  boilers,  engines,  all 
sorts  of  labor-saving  machinery.  Why,  I  could  make 
anything  a  body  wanted — anything  in  the  world,  it 
didn't  make  any  difference  what ;  and  if  there  wasn't 
any  quick  new-fangled  way  to  make  a  thing,  I  could 

aCY 


invent  one — and  do  it  as  easy  as  rolling. off  a  log.  1 
became  head  superintendent ;  had  a  couple  of  thou 
sand  men  under  me.  ' 

Well,  a  man  like  that  is  a  man  that  is  full  of  fight — 
that  goes  without  saying.  With  a  couple -of  thousand 
rough  men  under  one,  one  has  plenty  of  that  sort  of 
amusement.  I  had,  anyway.  At  last  I  met  my  match, 
and  I  got  my  dose.  It  was  during  a  misunderstanding 
conducted  with  crowbars  with  a  fellow  we  used  to  call 
Hercules.  He  laid  me  out  with  a  crusher  alongside  the 
head  that  made  everything  crack,  and  seemed  to  spring 
every  joint  in  my  skull  and  made  it  overlap  its  neigh 
bor.  Then  the  world  went  out  in  darkness,  and  I 
didn't  feel  anything  more,  and  didn't  know  anything 
at  all — at  least  for  a  while. 

When  I  came  to  again,  I  was  sitting  under  an  oak 
tree,  on  the  grass,  with  a  whole  beautiful  and  broad 
country  landscape  all  to  myself — nearly.  Not  entirely  ; 
for  there  was  a  fellow  on  a  horse,  looking  down  at  me 
— a  fellow  fresh  out  of  a  picture-book.  He  was  in  old- 
time  iron  armor  from  head  to  heel,  with  a  helmet  on 
his  head  the  shape  of  a  nail-keg  with  slits  in  it ;  and 
he  had  a  shield,  and  a  sword,  and  a  prodigious  spear ; 
and  his  horse  had  armor  on,  too,  and  a  steel  horn  pro 
jecting  from  his  forehead,  and  gorgeous  red  and  green 
silk  trappings  that  hung  down  all  around  him  like  a 
bed-quilt,  nearly  to  the  ground. 

"  Fair  sir,  will  ye  just?"  said  this  fellow. 

"Will  I  which?" 

"  Will  ye  try  a  passage  of  arms  for  land  or  lady  or 
for- 

"  What  are  you  giving  me?"  I  said.  "Get  along 
back  to  your  circus,  or  I'll  report  you." 


Now  what  does  this  man  do  but  fall  back  a  couple 
of  hundred  yards  and  then  come  rushing  at  me  as  hard 
as  he  could  tear,  with  his  nail-keg  bent  down  nearly 
to  his  horse's  neck  and  his  long  spear  pointed  straight 
ahead.  I  saw  he  meant  business,  so  I  was  up  the  tree 
when  he  arrived. 

He  allowed  that  I  was  his  property,  the  captive  of 
-his  spear.  There  was  argument  on  his  side — and  the 
bulk  of  the  advantage — so  I  judged  it  best  to  humor 
him.  We  fixed  up  an  agreement  whereby  I  was  to 
go  with  him  and  he  was  not  to  hurt  me.  I  came 
down,  and  we  started  away,  I  walking  by  the  side  of 
his  horse.  We  marched  comfortably  along,  through 
glades  and  over  brooks  which  I  could  not  remember 
to  have  seen  before — which  puzzled  me  and  made  me 
wonder — and  yet  we  did  not  come  to  any  circus  or 
sign  of  a  circus.  So  I  gave  up  the  idea  of  a  circus, 
and  concluded  he  was  from  an  asylum.  But  we  never 
came  to  an  asylum — so  I  was  up  a  stump,  as  you  may 
say.  I  asked  him  how  far  we  were  from  Hartford. 
He  said  he  had  never  heard  of  the  place ;  which  I  took 
to  be  a  lie,  but  allowed  it  to  go  at  that.  At  the  end 
of  an  hour  we  saw  a  far-away  town  sleeping  in  a  valley 
by  a  winding  river;  and  beyond  it  on  a  hill,  a  vast 
gray  fortress,  with  towers  and  turrets,  the  first  I  had 
ever  seen  out  of  a  picture. 

"  Bridgeport  ?"  said  I,  pointing. 

"  Camelot,"  said  he. 

My  stranger  had  been  showing  signs  of  sleepiness. 
He  caught  himself  nodding,  now,  and  smiled  one  of 
those  pathetic,  obsolete  smiles  of  his,  and  said  : 

"  I   find   I    can't  go  on  ;    but  come  with   me,  I've 


8 


got  it  all  written  out,  and  you  can  read  it  if  you 
like." 

In  his  chamber,  he  said :  "  First,  I  kept  a  journal ; 
then  by -and -by,  after  years,  I  took  the  journal  and 
turned  it  into  a  book.  How  long  ago  that  was !" 

He  handed  me  his  manuscript,  and  pointed  out  the 
place  where  I  should  begin : 

"  Begin  here — I've  already  told  you  what  goes  be 
fore."  He  was  steeped  in  drowsiness  by  this  time. 
As  I  went  out  at  his  door  I  heard  him  murmur  sleepi 
ly  :  "  Give  you  good  den,  fair  sir." 

I  sat  down  by  my  fire  and  examined  my  treasure. 
The  first  part  of  it — the  great  bulk  of  it — was  parch 
ment,  and  yellow  with  age.  I  scanned  a  leaf  particu 
larly  and  saw  that  it  was  a  palimpsest.  Under  the  old 
dim  writing  of  the  Yankee  historian  appeared  traces 
of  a  penmanship  which  was  older  and  dimmer  still — 
Latin  words  and  sentences  :  fragments  from  old  monk 
ish  legends,  evidently.  I  turned  to  the  place  indicated 
by  my  stranger  and  began  to  read — as  follow* ; 


THE  TALE  OF  THE  LOST  LAND 

CHAPTER   I 
CAMELOT 

"  CAMELOT — Camelot,"  said  I  to  myself.  "  I  don't 
seem  to  remember  hearing  of  it  before.  Name  of  the 
asylum,  likely." 

It  was  a  soft,  reposeful  summer  landscape,  as  lovely 
as  a  dream,  and  as  lonesome  as  Sunday.  The  air  was 
full  of  the  smell  of  flowers,  and  the  buzzing  of  insects, 
and  the  twittering  of  birds,  and  there  were  no  people, 
no  wagons,  there  was  no  stir  of  life,  nothing  going  on. 
The  road  was  mainly  a  winding  path  with  hoof-prints 
in  it,  and  now  and  then  a  faint  trace  of  wheels  on 
either  side  in  the  grass — wheels  that  apparently  had  a 
tire  as  broad  as  one's  hand. 

Presently  a  fair  slip  of  a  girl,  about  ten  years  old, 
with  a  cataract  of  golden  hair  streaming  down  over 
her  shoulders,  came  along.  Around  her  head  she 
wore  a  hoop  of  flame-red  poppies.  It  was  as  sweet  an 
outfit  as  ever  I  saw,  what  there  was  of  it.  She  walked 
indolently  along,  with  a  mind  at  rest,  its  peace  reflected 
in  her  innocent  face.  The  circus  man  paid  no  atten 
tion  to  her  ;  didn't  even  seem  to  see  her.  And  she — 
she  was  no  more  startled  at  his  fantastic  make-up  than 
if  she  was  used  to  his  like  every  day  of  her  life.  She 
was  going  by  as  indifferently  as  she  might  have  gone 


IO 


by  a  couple  of  cows;  but  when  she  happened  to  notice 
me,  then  there  was  a  change  \  Up  went  her  hands,  and 
she  was  turned  to  stone ;  her  mouth  dropped  open,  her 
eyes  stared  wide  and  timorously,  she  was  the  picture  of 
astonished  curiosity  touched  with  fear.  And  there  she 
stood  gazing,  in  a  sort  of  stupefied  fascination,  till  we 
turned  a  corner  of  the  wood  and  were  lost  to  her  view. 
That  she  should  be  startled  at  me  instead  of  at  the 
other  man,  was  too  many  for  me ;  I  couldn't  make 
head  or  tail  of  it.  And  that  she  should  seem  to  con 
sider  me*  a  spectacle,  and  totally  overlook  her  own 
merits  in  that  respect,  was  another  puzzling  thing, 
and  a  display  of  magnanimity,  too,  that  was  surprising 
in  one  so  young.  There  was  food  for  thought  here. 
I  moved  along  as  one  in  a  dream. 

As  we  approached  the  town,  signs  of  life  began  to 
appear.  At  intervals  we  passed  a  wretched  cabin,  with 
a  thatched  roof,  and  about  it  small  fields  and  garden 
patches  in  an  indifferent  state  of  cultivation.  There 
were  people,  too ;  brawny  men,  with  long,  coarse,  un 
combed  hair  that  hung  down  over  their  faces  and 
made  them  look  like  animals.  They  and  the  women, 
as  a  rule,  wore  a  coarse  tow-linen  robe  that  came  well 
below  the  knee,  and  a  rude  sort  of  sandals,  and  many 
wore  an  iron  collar.  The  small  boys  and  girls  were 
always  naked  ;  but  nobody  seemed  to  know  it.  All 
of  these  people  stared  at  me,  talked  about  me,  ran 
into  the  huts  and  fetched  out  their  families  to  gape  at 
me;  but  nobody  ever  noticed  that  other  fellow,  except 
to  make  him  humble  salutation  and  get  no  response 
for  their  pains. 

In  the  town  were  some  substantial  windowless 
houses  of  stone  scattered  among  a  wilderness  of 


II 


thatched  cabins ;  the  streets  were  mere  crooked 
alleys,  and  unpaved  ;  troops  of  dogs  and  nude  chil 
dren  played  in  the  sun  and  made  life  and  noise ;  hogs 
roamed  and  rooted  contentedly  about,  and  one  of 
them  lay  in  a  reeking  wallow  in  the  middle  of  the 
main  thoroughfare  and  suckled  her  family.  Presently 
there  was  a  distant  blare  of  military  music ;  it  came 
nearer,  still  nearer,  and  soon  a  noble  cavalcade  wound 
into  view,  glorious  with  plumed  helmets  and  flashing 
mail  and  flaunting  banners  and  rich  doublets  and 
horse-cloths  and  gilded  spear  heads ;  and  through  the 
muck  and  swine,  and  naked  brats,  and  joyous  dogs, 
and  shabby  huts  it  took  its  gallant  way,  and  in  its 
wake  we  followed.  Followed  through  one  winding 
alley  and  then  another, — and  climbing,  always  climb 
ing — till  at  last  we  gained  the  breezy  height  where  the 
huge  castle  stood.  There  was  an  exchange  of  bugle 
blasts ;  then  a  parley  from  the  walls,  where  men-at- 
arms,  in  hauberk  and  morion  marched  back  and  forth 
with  halberd  at  shoulder  under  flapping  banners  with 
the  rude  figure  of  a  dragon  displayed  upon  them  ;  and 
then  the  great  gates  were  flung  open,  the  drawbridge 
was  lowered,  and  the  head  of  the  cavalcade  swept  for 
ward  under  the  frowning  arches ;  and  we,  following, 
soon  found  ourselves  in  a  great  paved  court,  with 
towers  and  turrets  stretching  up  into  the  blue  air  on 
all  the  four  sides ;  and  all  about  us  the  dismount  was 
going  on,  and  much  greeting  and  ceremony,  and  run 
ning  to  and  fro,  and  a  gay  display  of  moving  and  in 
termingling  colors,  and  an  altogether  pleasant  stir  and 
noise  and  confusion. 


CHAPTER  II 
KING  ARTHUR'S  COURT 

THE  moment  I  got  a  chance  I  slipped  aside  pri 
vately  and  touched  an  ancient  common  looking  man 
on  the  shoulder  and  said,  in  an  insinuating,  confiden 
tial  way — 

"  Friend,  do  me  a  kindness.  Do  you  belong  to  the 
asylum,  or  are  you  just  here  on  a  visit  or  something 
like  that?" 

He  looked  me  over  stupidly,  and  said — 

"  Marry,  fair  sir,  me  seemeth — " 

"  That  will  do,"  I  said  ;  "  I  reckon  you  are  a  pa 
tient." 

I  moved  away,  cogitating,  and  at   the  same  time 
keeping  an  eye  out  for  any  chance  passenger  in  his 
right  mind  that  might  come  along  and  give  me  some 
light.     I  judged   I   had    found   one,  presently ;    so    I 
drew  him  aside  and  said  in  his  ear — 

"  If  I  could  see  the  head  keeper  a  minute  —  only 
just  a  minute — " 

"  Prithee  do  not  let  me." 
"  Let  you  what  ?" 

II  Hinder  me,  then,  if  the  word  please  thee  better." 
Then  he  went  on  to  say  he  was  an  under-cook  and 
could  not  stop  to  gossip,  though  he  would  like  it  an 
other  time ;   for  it  would  comfort  his  very  liver  to 


13 

know  where  I  got  my  clothes.  As  he  started  away 
he  pointed  and  said  yonder  was  one  who  was  idle 
enough  for  my  purpose,  and  was  seeking  me  besides, 
no  doubt.  This  was  an  airy  slim  boy  in  shrimp- 
colored  tights  that  made  him  look  like  a  forked  car 
rot  ;  the  rest  of  his  gear  was  blue  silk  and  dainty 
laces  and  ruffles  ;  and  he  had  long  yellow  curls,  and 
wore  a  plumed  pink  satin  cap  tilted  complacently 
over  his  ear.  By  his  look,  he  was  good-natured  ;  by 
his  gait,  he  was  satisfied  with  himself.  He  was  pretty 
enough  to  frame.  He  arrived,  looked  me  over  with  a 
smiling  and  impudent  curiosity  ;  said  he  had  come 
for  me,  and  informed  me  that  he  was  a  page. 

"  Go  'long,"  I  said;  "you  ain't  more  than  a  paragraph." 

It  was  pretty  severe,  but  I  was  nettled.  However, 
it  never  phazed  him  ;  he  didn't  appear  to  know  he 
was  hurt.  He  began  to  talk  and  laugh,  in  happy, 
thoughtless,  boyish  fashion,  as  we  walked  along,  and 
made  himself  old  friends  with  me  at  once  ;  asked  me 
all  sorts  of  questions  about  myself  and  about  my 
clothes,  but  never  waited  for  an  answer  —  always  chat 
tered  straight  ahead,  as  if  he  didn't  know  he  had 
asked  a  question  and  wasn't  expecting  any  reply,  until 
at  last  he  happened  to  mention  that  he  was  born  in 
the  beginning  of  the  year  513. 

It  made  the  cold  chills  creep  over  me  !  I  stopped, 
and  said,  a  little  faintly  : 

"  Maybe  I  didn't  hear  you  just  right.  Say  it  again 
—  and  say  it  slow.  What  year  was  it?" 


"  513  !  You  don't  look  it  !  Come,  my  boy,  I  am  a 
stranger  and  friendless  ;  be  honest  and  honorable 
with  me.  Are  you  in  your  right  mind  ?" 


14 

He  said  he  was. 

"Are  these  other  people  in  their  right  minds?'* 

He  said  they  were. 

"And  this  isn't  an  asylum?  I  mean,  it  isn't  a 
place  where  they  cure  crazy  people  ?" 

He  said  it  wasn't. 

"  Well,  then,"  I  said,  "  either  I  am  a  lunatic,  or 
something  just  as  awful  has  happened.  Now  tell  me, 
honest  and  true,  where  am  I  ?" 

"  IN  KING  ARTHUR'S  COURT." 

I  waited  a  minute,  to  let  that  idea  shudder  its  way 
home,  and  then  said  : 

"And  according  to  your  notions,  what  year  is  it 
now  ?" 

"  528 — nineteenth  of  June." 

I  felt  a  mournful  sinking  at  the  heart,  and  mutter 
ed :  "I  shall  never  see  my  friends  again — never,  never 
again.  They  will  not  be  born  for  more  than  thirteen 
hundred  years  yet." 

I  seemed  to  believe  the  boy,  I  didn't  know  why. 
Something  in  me  seemed  to  believe  him — my  con 
sciousness,  as  you  may  say  ;  but  my  reason  didn't. 
My  reason  straightway  began  to  clamor ;  that  was 
natural.  I  didn't  know  how  to  go  about  satisfying 
it,  because  I  knew  that  the  testimony  of  men  wouldn't 
serve — my  reason  would  say  they  were  lunatics,  and 
throw  out  their  evidence.  But  all  of  a  sudden  I 
stumbled  on  the  very  thing,  just  by  luck.  I  knew 
that  the  only  total  eclipse  of  the  sun  in  the  first  half 
of  the  sixth  century  occurred  on  the  2ist  of  June,  A.  D. 
528,  O.  S.,  and  began  at  3  minutes  after  12  noon.  I 
also  knew  that  no  total  eclipse  of  the  sun  was  due  in 
what  to  me  was  the  present  year — i.  e.,  ^879.  So,  if 


I  could  keep  my  anxiety  and  curiosity  from  eating  the 
heart  out  of  me  for  forty-eight  hours,  I  should  then 
find  out  for  certain  whether  this  boy  was  telling  me 
the  truth  or  not. 

Wherefore,  being  a  practical  Connecticut  man,  I 
now  shoved  this  whole  problem  clear  out  of  my  mind 
till  its  appointed  day  and  hour  should  come,  in  order 
that  I  might  turn  all  my  attention  to  the  circum 
stances  of  the  present  moment,  and  be  alert  and  ready  to 
make  the  most  out  of  them  that  could  be  made.  One 
thing  at  a  time,  is  my  motto — and  just  play  that  thing 
for  all  it  is  worth,  even  if  it's  only  two  pair  and  a 
jack.  I  made  up  my  mind  to  two  things ;  if  it  was 
still  the  nineteenth  century  and  I  was  among  lunatics 
and  couldn't  get  away,  I  would  presently  boss  that 
asylum  or  know  the  reason  why ;  and  if  on  the  other 
hand  it  was  really  the  sixth  century,  all  right,  I  didn't 
want  any  softer  thing :  I  would  boss  the  whole  coun 
try  inside  of  three  months ;  for  I  judged  I  would  have 
the  start  of  the  best-educated  man  in  the  kingdom  by 
a  matter  of  thirteen  hundred  years  and  upwards.  I'm 
not  a  man  to  waste  time  after  my  mind's  made  up 
and  there's  work  on  hand  ;  so  I  said  to  the  page — 

"  Now,  Clarence,  my  boy — if  that  might  happen  to 
be  your  name — I'll  get  you  to  post  me  up  a  little  if 
you  don't  mind.  What  is  the  name  of  that  apparition 
that  brought  me  here  ?" 

"  My  master  and  thine  ?  That  is  the  good  knight 
and  great  lord  Sir  Kay  the  Seneschal,  foster  brother 
to  ou.  liege  the  king." 

"  Very  good  ;  go  on,  tell  me  everything." 

He  made  a  long  story  of  it ;  but  the  part  that  had 
immediate  interest  for  me  was  this.  He  said  I  was 


16 

Sir  Kay's  prisoner,  and  that  in  the  due  course  of 
custom  I  would  be  flung  into  a  dungeon  and  left 
there  on  scant  commons  until  my  friends  ransomed 
me — unless  I  chanced  to  rot,  first.  I  saw  that  the 
last  chance  had  the  best  show,  but  I  didn't  waste  any 
bother  about  that ;  time  was  too  precious.  The  page 
said,  further,  that  dinner  was  about  ended  in  the 
great  hall  by  this  time,  and  that  as  soon  as  the  socia 
bility  and  the  heavy  drinking  should  begin,  Sir  Kay 
would  have  me  in  and  exhibit  me  before  King  Arthur 
and  his  illustrious  knights  seated  at  the  Table  Round, 
and  would  brag  about  his  exploit  in  capturing  me, 
and  would  probably  exaggerate  the  facts  a  little,  but 
it  wouldn't  be  good  form  for  me  to  correct  him,  and 
not  over  safe,  either ;  and  when  I  was  done  being 
exhibited,  then  ho  for  the  dungeon  ;  but  he,  Clarence, 
would  find  a  way  to  come  and  see  me  every  now  and 
then,  and  cheer  me  up,  and  help  me  get  word  to  my 
friends. 

Get  word  to  my  friends!  I  thanked  him  ;  I  couldn't 
do  less ;  and  about  this  time  a  lackey  came  to  say  I 
was  wanted ;  so  Clarence  led  me  in  and  took  me  off 
to  one  side  and  sat  down  by  me. 

Well,  it  was  a  curious  kind  of  'spectacle,  and  in 
teresting.  It  was  an  immense  place,  and  rather  naked 
— yes,  and  full  of  loud  contrasts.  It  was  very,  very 
lofty;  so  lofty  that  the  banners  depending  from  the 
arched  beams  and  girders  away  up  there  floated  in  a 
sort  of  twilight ;  there  was  a  stone-railed  gallery  at 
each  end,  high  up,  with  musicians  in  the  one,  and 
women,  clothed  in  stunning  colors,  in  the  other.  The 
floor  was  of  big  stone  flags  laid  in  black  and  white 
squares,  rather  battered  by  age  and  use,  and  needing 


17 

repair.  As  to  ornament,  there  wasn't  any,  strictly 
speaking ;  though  on  the  walls  hung  some  huge  tapes 
tries  which  were  probably  taxed  as  works  of  art ; 
battle-pieces,  they  were,  with  horses  shaped  like  those 
which  children  cut  out  of  paper  or  create  in  ginger 
bread  ;  with  men  on  them  in  scale  armor  whose  scales 
are  represented  by  round  holes — so  that  the  man's 
coat  looks  as  if  it  had  been  done  with  a  biscuit-punch. 
There  was  a  fireplace  big  enough  to  camp  in ;  and  its 
projecting  sides  and  hood,  of  carved  and  pillared 
stone-work,  had  the  look  of  a  cathedral  door.  Along 
•  the  walls  stood  men-at-arms,  in  breastplate  and  morion, 
with  halberds  for  their  only  weapon — rigid  as  statues ; 
and  that  is  what  they  looked  like. 

In  the  middle  of  this  groined  and  vaulted  public 
square  was  an  oaken  table  which  they  called  the 
Table  Round.  It  was  as  large  as  a  circus  ring ;  and 
around  it  sat  a  great  company  of  men  dressed  in  such 
various  and  splendid  colors  that  it  hurt  one's  eyes  to 
look  at  them.  They  wore  their  plumed  hats,  right 
along,  except  that  whenever  one  addressed  himself 
directly  to  the  king,  he  lifted  his  hat  a  trifle  just  as  he 
was  beginning  his  remark. 

Mainly  they  were  drinking — from  entire  ox  horns ; 
but  a  few  were  still  munching  bread  or  gnawing  beef 
bones.  There  was  about  an  average  of  two  dogs  to 
one  man ;  and  these  sat  in  expectant  attitudes  till  a 
spent  bone  was  flung  to  them,  and  then  they  went 
for  it  by  brigades  and  divisions,  with  a  rush,  and  there 
ensued  a  fight  which  rilled  the  prospect  with  a  tumult 
uous  chaos  of  plunging  heads  and  bodies  and  flash 
ing  tails,  and  the  storm  of  howlings  and  barkings 
deafened  all  speech  for  the  time ;  but  that  was  no 


i8 

matter,  for  the  dog-fight  was  always  a  bigger  interest 
anyway ;  the  men  rose,  sometimes,  to  observe  it  the 
better  and  bet  on  it,  and  the  ladies  and  the  musicians 
stretched  themselves  out  over  their  balusters  with  the 
same  object ;  and  all  broke  into  delighted  ejaculations 
from  time  to  time.  In  the  end,  the  winning  dog 
stretched  himself  out  comfortably  with  his  bone  be 
tween  his  paws,  and  proceeded  to  growl  over  it,  and 
gnaw  it,  and  grease  the  floor  with  it,  just  as  fifty  oth 
ers  were  already  doing ;  and  the  rest  of  the  court  re 
sumed  their  previous  industries  and  entertainments. 

As  a  rule  the  speech  and  behavior  of  these  people 
were  gracious  and  courtly ;  and  I  noticed  that  they 
were  good  and  serious  listeners  when  anybody  was 
telling  anything — I  mean  in  a  dog-fightless  interval. 
And  plainly,  too,  they  were  a  childlike  and  innocent 
lot;  telling  lies  of  the  stateliest  pattern  with  a  most 
gentle  and  winning.,  naivety,  and  ready  and  willing  to 
listen  to  anybody  else's  lie,  and  believe  it,  too.  It 
was  hard  to  associate  them  with  anything  cruel  or 
dreadful ;  and  yet  they  dealt  in  tales  of  blood  and  suf 
fering  with  a  guileless  relish  that  made  me  almost  for 
get  to  shudder. 

I  was  not  the  only  prisoner  present.  There  were 
twenty  or  more.  Poor  devils,  many  of  them  were 
maimed,  hacked,  carved,  in  a  frightful  way ;  and  their 
hair,  their  faces,  their  clothing,  were  caked  with  black 
and  stiffened  drenchings  of  blood.  They  were  suffer 
ing  sharp  physical  pain,  of  course ;  and  weariness,  and 
hunger  and  thirst,  no  doubt ;  and  at  least  none  had 
given  them  the  comfort  of  a  wash,  or  even  the  poor 
charity  of  a  lotion  for  their  wounds ;  yet  you  never 
heard  them  utter  a  moan  or  a  groan,  or  saw  them 


19 

show  any  sign  of  restlessness,  or  any  disposition  to 
complain.  The  thought  was  forced  upon  me :  "  The 
rascals — they  have  served  other  people  so  in  their  day; 
it  being  their  own  turn,  now,  they  were  not  expecting 
any  better  treatment  than  this ;  so  their  philosophical 
bearing  is  not  an  outcome  of  mental  training,  intel 
lectual  fortitude,  reasoning; ;  it  is  mere  animal  train 
ing ;  they  are  white  Indians. 


CHAPTER  III 
KNIGHTS   OF    THE    TABLE    ROUND 

MAINLY  the  Round  Table  talk  was  monologues  — 
narrative  accounts  of  the  adventures  in  which  these 
prisoners  were  captured  and  their  friends  and  backers 
killed  and  stripped  of  their  steeds  and  armor.  As  a 
general  thing — as  far  as  I  could  make  out — these  mur 
derous  adventures  were  "hot  forays  undertaken  to 
avenge  injuries,  nor  to  settle  old  disputes  or  sudden 
fallings  out ;  no,  as  a  rule  they  were  simply  duels  be 
tween  strangers — duels  between  people  who  had  never 
even  been  introduced  to  each  other,  and  between 
whom  existed  no  cause  of  offence  whatever.  Many  a 
time  I  had  seen  a  couple  of  boys,  strangers,  meet  by 
chance,  and  say  simultaneously,  "  I  can  lick  you,"  and 
go  at  it  on  the  spot ;  but  I  had  always  imagined  until 
now  that  that  sort  of  thing  belonged  to  children  only, 
and  was  a  sign  and  mark  of  childhood ;  but  here  were 
these  big  boobies  sticking  to  it  and  taking  pride  in  it 
clear  up  into  full  age  and  beyond.  Yet  there  was 
something  very  engaging  about  these  great  simple- 
hearted  creatures,  something  attractive  and  lovable. 
There  did  not  seem  to  be  brains  enough  in  the  entire 
nursery,  so  to  speak,  to  bait  a  fish-hook  with;  but  you 
didn't  seem  to  mind  that,  after  a  little,  because  you 


21 


soon  saw  that  brains  were  not  needed  in  a  society  like 
that,  and^  indeed-would  have  marred  it,  hindered  it, 
spoiled  its  symmetry  —  perhaps  rendered  its  existence 
impossible. 

There  was  a  fine  manliness  observable  in  almost 
every  face ;  and  in  some  a  certain  loftiness  and  sweet 
ness  that  rebuked  your  belittling  criticisms  and  stilled 
them.  A  most  noble  benignity  and  purity  reposed  in 
the  countenance  of  him  they  called  Sir  Galahad,  and 
likewise  in  the  king's  also  ;  and  there  was  majesty  and 
greatness  in  the  giant  frame  and  high  bearing  of  Sir 
Launcelot  of  the  Lake. 

There  was  presently  an  incident  which  centred  the 
general  interest  upon  this  Sir  Launcelot.  At  a  sign 
from  a  sort  of  master  of  ceremonies,  six  or  eight  of 
the  prisoners  rose  and  came  forward  in  a  body  and 
knelt  on  the  floor  and  lifted  up  their  hands  toward 
the  ladies'  gallery  and  begged  the  grace  of  a  word 
with  the  queen.  The  most  conspicuously  situated 
lady  in  that  massed  flower-bed  of  feminine  show  and 
finery  inclined  her  head  by  way  of  assent,  and  then 
the  spokesman  of  the  prisoners  delivered  himself  and 
his  fellows  into  her  hands  for  free  pardon,  ransom, 
captivity  or  death,  as  she  in  her  good  pleasure  might 
elect ;  and  this,  as  he  said,  he  was  doing  by  command 
of  Sir  Kay  the  Seneschal,  whose  prisoners  they  were, 
he  having  vanquished  them  by  his  single  might  and 
prowess  in  sturdy  conflict  in  the  field. 

Surprise  and  astonishment  flashed  from  face  to  face 
all  over  the  house ;  the  queen's  gratified  smile  faded 
out  at  the  name  of  Sir  Kay,  and  she  looked  disappoint 
ed  ;  and  the  page  whispered  in  my  ear  with  an  accent 

and  manner  expressive  of  extravagant  derision — 
3CY 


22 

"  Sir  Kay,  forsooth !  Oh,  call  me  pet  names,  dear 
est,  call  me  a  marine !  In  twice  a  thousand  years  shall 
the  unholy  invention  of  man  labor  at  odds  to  beget 
the  fellow  to  this  majestic  lie !" 

Every  eye  was  fastened  with  severe  inquiry  upon 
Sir  Kay.  But  he  was  equal  to  the  occasion.  He  got 
up  and  played  his  hand  like  a  major — and  took  every 
trick.  He  said  he  would  state  the  case,  exactly  ac 
cording  to  the  facts;  he  would  tell  the  simple  straight 
forward  tale,  without  comment  of  his  own  ;  "  and 
then,"  said  he,  "  if  ye  find  glory  and  honor  due,  ye 
will  give  it  unto  him  who  is  the  mightiest  man  of  his 
hands  that  ever  bare  shield  or  strake  with  sword  in 
the  ranks  of  Christian  battle — even  him  that  sitteth 
there !"  and  he  pointed  to  Sir  Launcelot.  Ah,  he 
fetched  them ;  it  was  a  rattling  good  stroke.  Then  he 
went  on  and  told  how  Sir  Launcelot,  seeking  advent 
ures,  some  brief  time  gone  by,  killed  seven  giants  at 
one  sweep  of  his  sword,  and  set  a  hundred  and  forty- 
two  captive  maidens  free ;  and  then  went  further,  still 
seeking  adventures,  and  found  him  (Sir  Kay)  fighting 
a  desperate  fight  against  nine  foreign  knights,  and 
straightway  took  the  battle  solely  into  his  own  hands, 
and  conquered  the  nine  ;  and  that  night  Sir  Launce 
lot  rose  quietly,  and  dressed  him  in  Sir  Kay's  armor 
and  took  Sir  Kay's  horse  and  gat  him  away  into  dis 
tant  lands,  and  vanquished  sixteen  knights  in  one 
pitched  battle  and  thirty -four  in  another;  and  all 
these  and  the  former  nine  he  made  to  swear  that 
about  Whitsuntide  they  would  ride  to  Arthur's  court 
and  yield  them  to  Queen  Guenever's  hands  as  cap 
tives  of  Sir  Kay  the  Seneschal,  spoil  of  his  knightly 
prowess ;  and  now  here  were  these  half-dozen,  and  the 


23' 

rest  would  be  along  as  soon  as  they  might  be  healed 
of  their  desperate  wounds. 

Well,  it  was  touching  to  see  the  queen  blush  and 
smile,  and  look  embarrassed  and  happy,  and  fling  fur 
tive  glances  at  Sir  Launcelot  that  would  have  got 
him  shot  in  Arkansas,  to  a  dead  certainty. 

Everybody  praised  the  valor  and  magnanimity  of 
Sir  Launcelot ;  and  as  for  me,  I  was  perfectly  amazed, 
that  one  man,  all  by  himself,  should  have  been  able 
to  beat  down  and  capture  such  battalions  of  practised 
fighters.  I  said  as  much  to  Clarence ;  but  this  mock 
ing  featherhead  only  said — 

"  An  Sir  Kay  had  had  time  to  get  another  skin  of 
sour  wine  into  him,  ye  had  seen  the  accompt  doubled." 

I  looked  at  the  boy  in  sorrow ;  and  as  I  looked  I 
saw  the  cloud  of  a  deep  despondency  settle  upon  his 
countenance.  I  followed  the  direction  of  his  eye,  and 
saw  that  a  very  old  and  white-bearded  man,  clothed 
in  a  flowing  black  gown,  had  risen  and  was  standing 
at  the  table  upon  unsteady  legs,  and  feebly  swaying 
his  ancient  head  and  surveying  the  company  with  his 
watery  and  wandering  eye.  The  same  suffering  look 
that  was  in  the  page's  face  was  observable  in  all  the 
faces  around — the  look  of  dumb  creatures  who  know 
that  they  must  endure  and  make  no  moan. 

"  Marry,  we  shall  have  it  again,"  sighed  the  boy; 
"  that  same  old  weary  tale  that  he  hath  told  a  thou 
sand  times  in  the  same  words,  and  that  he  will  tell 
till  he  dieth,  every  time  he  hath  gotten  his  barrel  full 
and  feeleth  his  exaggeration-mill  a-working.  Would 
God  I  had  died  or  I  saw  this  day !" 

"  Who  is  it  ?" 

"  Merlin,  the   mighty  liar  and  magician,  perdition 


24 

singe  him  for  the  weariness  he  worketh  with  his  one 
tale !  But  that  men  fear  him  for  that  he  hath  the 
storms  and  the  lightnings  and  all  the  devils  that  be 
in  hell  at  his  beck  and  call,  they  would  have  dug  his 
entrails  out  these  many  years  ago  to  get  at  that  tale 
and  squelch  it.  He  telleth  it  always  in  the  third 
person,  making  believe  he  is  too  modest  to  glorify 
himself  —  maledictions  light  upon  him,  misfortune  be 
his  dole  !  Good  friend,  prithee  call  me  for  evensong." 
The  boy  nestled  himself  upon  my  shoulder  and  pre 
tended  to  go  to  sleep.  The  old  man  began  his  tale; 
and  presently  the  lad  was  asleep  in  reality ;  so  also 
were  the  dogs,  and  the  court,  the  lackeys,  and  the 
files  of  men-at-arms.  The  droning  voice  droned  on ; 
a  soft  snoring  arose  on  all  sides  and  supported  it 
like  a  deep  and  subdued  accompaniment  of  wind  in 
struments.  Some  heads  were  bowed  upon  folded  arms, 
some  lay  back  with  open  mouths  that  issued  uncon 
scious  music ;  the  flies  buzzed  and  bit,  unmolested, 
the  rats  swarmed  softly  out  from  a  hundred  holes, 
and  pattered  about,  and  made  themselves  at  home 
everywhere ;  and  one  of  them  sat  up  like  a  squirrel 
on  the  king's  head  and  held  a  bit  of  cheese  in  its 
hands  and  nibbled  it,  and  dribbled  the  crumbs  in  the 
king's  face  with  naive  and  impudent  irreverence.  It 
was  a  tranquil  scene,  and  restful  to  the  weary  eye  and 
the  jaded  spirit. 

This  was  the  old  man's  tale.  He  said : 
"  Right  so  the  king  and  Merlin  departed,  and  went 
until  an  hermit  that  was  a  good  man  and  a  great 
leech.  So  the  hermit  searched  all  his  wounds  and 
gave  him  good  salves ;  so  the  king  was  there  three 
days,  and  then  were  his  wounds  well  amended  that 


2$ 

Jhe  might  ride  and  go,  and  so  departed.  And  as  they 
rode,  Arthur  said,  I  have  no  sword.  No  force, *  said 
Merlin,  hereby  is  a  sword  that  shall  be  yours  and  I 
may.  So  they  rode  till  they  came  to  a  lake,  the 
which  was  a  fair  water  and  broad,  and  in  the  midst 
of  the  lake  Arthur  was  ware  of  an  arm  clothed  in 
white  samite,  that  held  a  fair  sword  in  that  hand. 
Lo,  said  Merlin,  yonder  is  that  sword  that  I  spake 
of.  With  that  they  saw  a  damsel  going  upon  the 
lake.  What  damsel  is  that  ?  said  Arthur.  That  is 
the  Lady  of  the  lake,  said  Merlin  ;  and  within  that 
lake  is  a  rock,  and  therein  is  as  fair  a  place  as  any 
on  earth,  and  richly  beseen,  and  this  damsel  will  come 
to  you  anon,  and  then  speak  ye  fair  to  her  that  she 
will  give  you  that  sword.  Anon  withal  came  the 
damsel  unto  Arthur  and  saluted  him,  and  he  her 
again.  Damsel,  said  Arthur,  what  sword  is  that,  that 
yonder  the  arm  holdeth  above  the  water?  I  would 
it  were  mine,  for  I  have  no  sword.  Sir  Arthur  King, 
said  the  damsel,  that  sword  is  mine,  and  if  ye  will 
give  me  a  gift  when  I  ask  it  you,  ye  shall  have  it. 
By  my  faith,  said  Arthur,  I  will  give  you  what  gift 
ye  will  ask.  Well,  said  the  damsel,  go  ye  into  yonder 
barge  and  row  yourself  to  the  sword,  and  take  it  and 
the  scabbard  with  you,  and  I  will  ask  my  gift  when 
I  see  my  time.  So  Sir  Arthur  and  Merlin  alight,  and 
tied  their  horses  to  two  trees,  and  so  they  went  into 
the  ship,  and  when  they  came  to  the  sword  that  the 
hand  held,  Sir  Arthur  took  it  up  by  the  handles,  and 
took  it  with  him.  And  the  arm  and  the  hand  went 
under  the  water ;  and  so  they  came  unto  the  land  and 

*  No  matter. 


26 

rode  forth.  And  then  Sir  Arthur  saw  a  rich  pavilion. 
What  signifieth  yonder  pavilion?  It  is  the  knight's 
pavilion,  said  Merlin,  that  ye  fought  with  last,  Sir  Pelli- 
nore,  but  he  is  out,  he  is  not  there ;  he  hath  ado  with 
a  knight  of  yours,  that  hight  Egglame,  and  they  have 
fought  together,  but  at  the  last  Egglame  fled,  and 
else  he  had  been  dead,  and  he  hath  chased  him  even 
to  Carlion,  and  we  shall  meet  with  him  anon  in  the 
highway.  That  is  well  said,  said  Arthur,  now  have  I 
a  sword,  now  will  I  wage  battle  with  him,  and  be 
avenged  on  him.  Sir,  ye  shall  not  so,  said  Merlin, 
for  the  knight  is  weary  of  righting  and  chasing,  so 
that  ye  shall  have  no  worship  to  have  ado  with  him ; 
also,  he  will  not  lightly  be  matched  of  one  knight  liv 
ing  ;  and  therefore  it  is  my  counsel,  let  him  pass,  for 
he  shall  do  you  good  service  in  short  time,  and  his 
sons,  after  his  days.  Also  ye  shall  see  that  day  in 
short  space  ye  shall  be  right  glad  to  give  him  your 
sister  to  wed.  When  I  see  him,  I  will  do  as  ye  ad 
vise  me,  said  Arthur.  Then  Sir  Arthur  looked  on  the 
sword,  and  liked  it  passing  well.  Whether  liketh  you 
better,  said  Merlin,  the  sword  or  the  scabbard?  Me 
liketh  better  the  sword,  said  Arthur.  Ye  are  more 
unwise,  said  Merlin,  for  the  scabbard  is  worth  ten  of 
the  sword,  for  while  ye  have  the  scabbard  upon  you 
ye  shall  never  lose  no  blood,  be  ye  never  so  sore 
wounded  ;  therefore,  keep  well  the  scabbard  always 
with  you.  So  they  rode  unto  Carlion,  and  by  the 
way  they  met  with  Sir  Pellinore :  but  Merlin  had 
done  such  a  craft  that  Pellinore  saw  not  Arthur,  and 
he  passed  by  without  any  words.  I  marvel,  said 
Arthur,  that  the  knight  would  not  speak.  Sir,  said 
Merlin,  he  saw  you  not;  for  and  he  had  seen  you  ye 


had  not  lightly  departed.  So  they  came  unto  Carlion, 
whereof  his  knights  were  passing  glad.  And  when 
they  heard  of  his  adventures  they  marvelled  that  he 
would  jeopard  his  person  so  alone.  But  all  men  of 
worship  said  it  was  merry  to  be  under  such  a  chief 
tain  that  would  put  his  person  in  adventure  as  other 
poor  knights  did." 


CHAPTER  IV 

SIR    DINADAN   THE    HUMORIST 

IT  seemed  to  me  that  this  quaint  lie  was  most 
simply  and  beautifully  told ;  but  then  I  had  heard 
it  only  once,  and  that  makes  a  difference  ;  it  was  pleas 
ant  to  the  others  when  it  was  fresh,  no  doubt. 

Sir  Dinadan  the  Humorist  was  the  first  to  awake, 
and  he  soon  roused  the  rest  with  a  practical  joke  of  a 
sufficiently  poor  quality.  He  tied  some  metal  mugs 
to  a  dog's  tail  and  turned  him  loose,  and  he  tore 
around  and  around  the  place  in  a  frenzy  of  fright, 
with  all  the  other  dogs  bellowing  after  him  and  bat 
tering  and  crashing  against  everything  that  came  in 
their  way  and  making  altogether  a  chaos  of  confusion 
and  a  most  deafening  din  and  turmoil ;  at  which  every 
man  and  woman  of  the  multitude  laughed  till  the 
tears  flowed,  and  some  fell  out  of  their  chairs  and 
wallowed  on  the  floor  in  ecstasy.  It  was  just  like  so 
many  children.  Sir  Dinadan  was  so  proud  of  his  ex 
ploit  that  he  could  not  keep  from  telling  over  and 
over  again,  to  weariness,  how  the  immortal  idea  hap 
pened  to  occur  to  him ;  and  as  is  the  way  with  hu 
morists  of  his  breed,  he  was  still  laughing  at  it  after 
everybody  else  had  got  through.  He  was  so  set  up 
that  he  concluded  to  make  a  speech — of  course  a  hu 
morous  speech.  I  think  I  never  heard  so  many  old 


29 

played-out  jokes  strung  together  in  my  life.  He  was 
worse  than  the  minstrels,  worse  than  the  clown  in  the 
circus.  It  seemed  peculiarly  sad  to  sit  here,  thirteen 
hundred  years  before  I  was  born  and  listen  again  to 
poor,  flat,  worm-eaten  jokes  that  had  given  me  the 
dry  gripes  when  I  was  a  boy  thirteen  hundred  years 
afterwards.  It  about  convinced  me  that  there  isn't 
any  such  thing  as  a  new  joke  possible.  Everybody 
laughed  at  these  antiquities  —  but  then  they  always 
do ;  I  had  noticed  that,  centuries  later.  However,  of 
course  the  scoffer  didn't  laugh — I  mean  the  boy.  No, 
he  scoffed ;  there  wasn't  anything  he  wouldn't  scoff 
at.  He  said  the  most  of  Sir  Dinadan's  jokes  were 
rotten  and  the  rest  were  petrified.  I  said  "  petrified" 
was  good ;  as  I  believed,  myself,  that  the  only  right 
way  to  classify  the  majestic  ages  of  some  of  those 
jokes  was  by  geologic  periods.  But  that  neat  idea 
hit  the  boy  in  a  blank  place,  for  geology  hadn't  been 
invented  yet.  However,  I  made  a  note  of  the  re 
mark,  and  calculated  to  educate  the  commonwealth 
up  to  it  if  I  pulled  through.  It  is  no  use  to  throw  a 
good  thing  away  merely  because  the  market  isn't  ripe 
yet. 

Now  Sir  Kay  arose  and  began  to  fire  up  on  his  his 
tory-mill  with  me  for  fuel.  It  was  time  for  me  to  feel 
serious,  and  I  did.  Sir  Kay  told  how  he  had  encountered 
me  in  a  far  land  of  barbarians,  who  all  wore  the  same 
ridiculous  garb  that  I  did — a  garb  that  was  a  work  of 
enchantment,  and  intended  to  make  the  wearer  secure 
from  hurt  by  human  hands.  However,  he  had  nulli 
fied  the  force  of  the  enchantment  by  prayer,  and  had 
killed  my  thirteen  knights  in  a  three-hours'  battle,  and 
taken  me  prisoner,  sparing  my  life  in  order  that  so 


3Q 

strange  a  curiosity  as  I  was  might  be  exhibited  to  the 
wonder  and  admiration  of  the  king  and  the  court.  He 
spoke  of  me  all  the  time,  in  the  blandest  way,  as  "this 
prodigious  giant,"  and  "  this  horrible  sky-towering 
monster,",  and  "  this  tusked  and  taloned  man-devour 
ing  ogre ;"  and  everybody  took  in  all  this  bosh  in  the 
naivest  way,  and  never  smiled  or  seemed  to  notice 
that  there  was  any  discrepancy  between  these  watered 
statistics  and  me.  He  said  that  in  trying  to  escape 
from  him  I  sprang  into  the  top  of  a  tree  two  hundred 
cubits  high  at  a  single  bound,  but  he  dislodged  me 
with  a  stone  the  size  of  a  cow,  which  "  ail-to  brast " 
the  most  of  my  bones,  and  then  swore  me  to  appear 
at  Arthur's  court  for  sentence.  He  ended  by  con 
demning  me  to  die  at  noon  on  the^ist;  and  was  so 
little  concerned  about  it  that  he  stopped  to  yawn  be 
fore  he  named  the  date. 

I  was  in  a  dismal  state  by  this  time ;  indeed,  I  was 
hardly  enough  in  my  right  mind  to  keep  the  run  of  a 
dispute  that  sprung  up  as  to  how  I  had  better  be  killed, 
the  possibility  of  the  killing  being  doubted  by  some, 
because  of  the  enchantment  in  my  clothes.  And  yet  it 
was  nothing  but  an  ordinary  suit  of  fifteen-dollar  slop 
shops.  Still,  I  was  sane  enough  to  notice  this  detail, 
to  wit:  many  of  the  terms  used  in  the  most  matter-of- 
fact  way  by  this  great  assemblage  of  the  first  ladies 
and  gentlemen  in  the  land  would  have  made  a  Co- 
manche  blush.  Indelicacy  is  too  mild  a  term  to  con 
vey  the  idea.  However,  I  had  read  "Tom  Jones," 
and  "  Roderick  Random,"  and  other  books  of  that 
kind,  and  knew  that  the  highest  and  first  ladies  and 
gentlemen  in  England  had  remained  little  or  no  clean 
er  in  their  talk,  and  in  the  morals  and  conduct  which 


such  talk  implies,  clear  up  to  a  hundred  years  ago ;  in 
fact  clear  into  our  own  nineteenth  century — in  which 
century,  broadly  speaking,  the  earliest  samples  of  the 
real  lady  and  real  gentleman  discoverable  in  English 
history — or  in  European  history,  for  that  matter  — 
may  be  said  to  have  made  their  appearance.  Suppose 
Sir  Walter,  instead  of  putting  the  conversations  into 
the  mouths  of  his  characters,  had  allowed  the  charac 
ters  to  speak  for  themselves  ?  We  should  have  had 
talk  from  Rachel  and  Ivanhoe  and  the  soft  lady  Row- 
ena  which  would  embarrass  a  tramp  in  our  day.  How 
ever,  to  the  unconsciously  indelicate  all  things  are 
delicate.  King  Arthur's  people  were  not  aware  that 
they  were  indecent,  and  I  had  presence  of  mind  enough 
not  to  mention  it. 

They  were  so  troubled  about  my  enchanted  clothes 
that  they  were  mightily  relieved,  at  last,  when  old 
Merlin  swept  the  difficulty  away  for  them  with  a  com 
mon-sense  hint.  He  asked  them  why  they  were  so 
dull— why  didn't  .it_  occur  to /them  to  strip  me.  In 
half  a  minute  I  was  as  naked  as  a  pair  of  tongs  ! 
And  dear,  dear,  to  think  of  it :  I  was  the  only  embar 
rassed  person  there.  Everybody  discussed  me ;  and 
did  it  as  unconcernedly  as  if  I  had  been  a  cabbage. 
Queen  Guenever  was  as  naively  interested  as  the  rest, 
and  said  she  had  never  seen  anybody  with  legs  just 
like  mine  before.  It  was  the  only  compliment  I  got 
—if  it  was  a  compliment. 

Finally  I  was  carried  off  in  one  direction,  and  my 
perilous  clothes  in  another.  I  was  shoved  into  a  dark 
and  narrow  cell  in  a  dungeon,  with  some  scant  rem 
nants  for  dinner,  some  mouldy  straw  for  a  bed,  and  no 
end  of  rats  for  company. 


CHAPTER  V 

AN     INSPIRATION 

I  WAS  so  tired  that  even  my  fears  were  not  able  to 
keep  me  awake  long. 

When  I  next  came  to  myself,  I  seemed  to  have  been 
asleep  a  very  long  time.  My  first  thought  was,  <:  Well, 
what  an  astonishing  dream  I've  had  !  I  reckon  I've 
waked  only  just  in  time  to  keep  from  being  hanged  or 
drowned  or  burned,  or  something.  .  .  .  I'll  nap  again 
till  the  whistle  blows,  and  then  I'll  go  down  to  the 
arms  factory  and  have  it  out  with  Hercules." 

But  just  then  I  heard  the  harsh  music  of  rusty  chains 
and  bolts,  a  light  flashed  in  my  eyes,  and  that  butter 
fly,  Clarence,  stood  before  me  !  I  gasped  with  surprise  ; 
my  breath  almost  got  away  from  me. 

"  What !"  I  said,  "  you  here  yet  ?  Go  along  with  the 
rest  of  the  dream  !  scatter  !" 

But  he  only  laughed,  in  his  light-hearted  way,  and 
fell  to  making  fun  of  my  sorry  plight. 

"  All  right,"  I  said  resignedly,  "  let  the  dream  go  on  ; 
I'm  in  no  hurry." 

"  Prithee  what  dream?" 

"  What  dream?  Why,  the  dream  that  I  am  in  Ar 
thur's  court — a  person  who  never  existed  ;  and  that  I 
am  talking  to  you,  who  are  nothing  but  a  work  of  the 
imagination." 


33 

"  Oh,  la,  indeed  !  and  is  it  a  dream  that  you're  to  be 
burned  to-morrow  ?  Ho-ho — answer  me  that !" 

The  shock  that  went  through  me  was  distressing.  I 
now  began  to  reason  that  my  situation  was  in  the  last 
degree  serious,  dream  or  no  dream  ;  for  I  knew  by  past 
experience  of  the  life-like  intensity  of  dreams,  that  to 
be  burned  to  death,  even  in  a  dream,  would  be  very 
far  from  being  a  jest,  and  was  a  thing  to  be  avoided, 
by  any  means,  fair  or  foul,  that  I  could  contrive.  So  I 
said  beseechingly : 

"  Ah,  Clarence,  good  boy,  only  friend  I've  got, — for 
you  are  my  friend,  aren't  you  ? — don't  fail  me ;  help 
me  to  devise  some  way  of  escaping  from  this  place !" 

"Now  do  but  hear  thyself!  Escape?  Why,  man, 
the  corridors  are  in  guard  and  keep  of  men-at-arms." 

"  No  doubt,  no  doubt.  But  how  many,  Clarence  ? 
Not  many,  I  hope?" 

"  Full  a  score.  One  may  not  hope  to  escape." 
After  a  pause — hesitatingly  :  "  and  there  be  other  rea 
sons — and  weightier." 

"  Other  ones  ?     What  are  they  ?" 

"  Well,  they  say  —  oh,  but  I  daren't,  indeed  I 
daren't !" 

"  Why,  poor  lad,  what  is  the  matter  ?  Why  do  you 
blench?  Why  do  you  tremble  so?" 

"  Oh,  in  sooth,  there  is  need  !  I  do  want  to  tell 
you,  but — " 

"  Come,  come,  be  brave,  be  a  man  —  speak  out, 
there's  a  good  lad  !" 

He  hesitated,  pulled  one  way  by  desire,  the  other 
way  by  fear ;  then  he  stole  to  the  door  and  peeped 
out,  listening ;  and  finally  crept  close  to  me  and  put 
his  mouth  to  my  ear  and  told  me  his  fearful  news  in 


34 

a  whisper,  and  with  all  the  cowering  apprehension  of 
one  who  was  venturing  upon  awful  ground  and  speak 
ing  of  things  whose  very  mention  might  be  freighted 
with  death. 

"  Merlin,  in  his  malice,  has  woven  a  spell  about  this 
dungeon,  and  there  bides  not  the  man  in  these  king 
doms  that  would  be  desperate  enough  to  essay  to 
cross  its  lines  with  you  !  Now  God  pity  me,  I  have 
told  it !  Ah,  be  kind  to  me,  be  merciful  to  a  poor 
boy  who  means  thee  well ;  for  an  thou  betray  me  I 
am  lost !" 

I  laughed  the  only  really  refreshing  laugh  I  had  had 
for  some  time  ;  and  shouted — 

"  Merlin  has  wrought  a  spell !  Merlin,  forsooth ! 
That  cheap  old  humbug,  that  maundering  old  ass? 
Bosh,  pure  bosh,  the  silliest  bosh  in  the  world  !  Why, 
it  does  seem  to  me  that  of  all  the  childish,  idiotic, 
chuckle-headed,  chicken-livered  superstitions  that  ev — 
oh,  damn  Merlin !" 

But  Clarence  had  slumped  to  his  knees  before  I 
had  half  finished,  and  he  was  like  to  go  out  of  his 
mind  with  fright. 

"  Oh,  beware  !  These  are  awful  words  !  Any  mo 
ment  these  walls  may  crumble  upon  us  if  you  say 
such  things.  Oh  call  them  back  before  it  is  too 
late !" 

Now  this  strange  exhibition  gave  me  a  good  idea 
and  set  me  to  thinking.  If  everybody  about  here  was 
so  honestly  and  sincerely  afraid  of  Merlin's  pretended 
magic  as  Clarence  was,  certainly  a  superior  man  like 
me  ought  to  be  shrewd  enough  to  contrive  some  way 
to  take  advantage  of  such  a  state  of  things.  I  went 
on  thinking,  and  worked  out  a  olan.  Then  I  said  : 


35 

"Get  up.  Pull  yourself  together;  look  me  in  the 
eye.  Do  you  know  why  I  laughed  ?" 

"  No — but  for  our  blessed  Lady's  sake,  do  it  no 
more." 

"  Well,  I'll  tell  you  why  I  laughed.  Because  I'm  a 
magician  myself." 

"  Thou!"  The  boy  recoiled  a  step,  and  caught  his 
breath,  for  the  thing  hit  him  rather  sudden  ;  but  the 
aspect  which  he  took  on  was  very,  very  respectful.  I 
took  quick  note  of  that  ;  it  indicated  that  a  humbug 
didn't  need  to  have  a  reputation  in  this  asylum  ;  peo 
ple  stood  ready  to  take  him  at  his  word,  without  that. 
I  resumed  : 

"  I've  known  Merlin  seven  hundred  years,  and  he — " 

"  Seven  hun — " 

"  Don't  interrupt  me.  He  has  died  and  come  alive 
again  thirteen  times,  and  travelled  under  a  new  name 
every  time:  Smith,  Jones,  Robinson,  Jackson,  Peters, 
Raskins,  Merlin — a  new  alias  every  time  he  turns  up. 
I  knew  him  in  Egypt  three  hundred  years  ago  ;  I 
knew  him  in  India  five  hundred  years  ago — he  is  al 
ways  blethering  around  in  my  way,  everywhere  I  go; 
he  makes  me  tired.  He  don't  amount  to  shucks,  as  a 
magician  ;  knows  some  of  the  old  common  tricks,  but 
has  never  got  beyond  the  rudiments,  and  never  will. 
He  is  well  enough  for  the  provinces — one-night  stands 
and  that  sort  of  thing,  you  know — but  dear  me,  he 
oughtn't  to  set  up  for  an  expert — anyway  not  where 
there's  a  real  artist.  Now  look  here,  Clarence,  I  am 
going  to  stand  your  friend,  right  along,  and  in  return 
you  must  be  mine.  I  want  you  to  do. me  a  favor.  I 
want  you  to  get  word  to  the  king  that  I  am  a  magi 
cian  myself — and  the  Supreme  Grand  High-yu-Muck- 


36 

amuck  and  head  of  the  tribe,  at  that;  and  I  want  him  to 
be  made  to  understand  that  I  am  just  quietly  arranging 
a  little  calamity  here  that  will  make  the  fur  fly  in  these 
realms  if  Sir  Kay's  project  is  carried  out  and  any  harm 
comes  to  me.  Will  you  get  that  to  the  king  for  me?" 

The  poor  boy  was  in  such  a  state  that  he  could 
hardly  answer  me.  It  was  pitiful  to  see  a  creature  so 
terrified,  so  unnerved,  so  demoralized.  But  he  prom 
ised  everything  ;  and  on  my  side  he  made  me  promise 
over  and  over  again  that  I  would  remain  his  friend, 
and  never  turn  against  him  or  cast  any  enchantments 
upon  him.  Then  he  worked  his  way  out,  staying 
himself  with  his  hand  along  the  wall,  like  a  sick  person. 

Presently  this  thought  occurred  to  me :  how  heed 
less  I  have  been !  When  the  boy  gets  calm,  he  will 
wonder  why  a  great  magician  like  me  should  have 
begged  a  boy  like  him  to  help  me  get  out  of  this 
place ;  he  will  put  this  and  that  together,  and  will  see 
that  I  am  a  humbug. 

I  worried  over  that  heedless  blunder  for  an  hour, 
and  called  myself  a  great  many  hard  names,  mean 
time.  But  finally  it  occurred  to  me  all  of  a  sudden 
that  these  animals  didn't  reason  ;  that  they  never  put 
this  and  that  together  ;  that  all  their  talk  showed  that 
they  didn't  know  a  discrepancy  when  they  saw  it.  I 
was  at  rest,  then. 

But  as  soon  as  one  is  at  rest,  in  this  world,  off  he 
goes  on  something  else  to  worry  about.  It  occurred 
to  me  that  I  had  made  another  blunder:  I  had  sent 
the  boy  off  to  alarm  his  betters  with  a  threat — I  in 
tending  to  invent  a  calamity  at  my  leisure ;  now  the 
people  who  are  the  readiest  and  eagerest  and  willing- 
est  to  swallow  miracles  are  the  very  ones  who  are  hun- 


37 

griest  to  see  you  perform  them ;  suppose  I  should  be 
called  on  for  a  sample?  Suppose  I  should  be  asked 
to  name  my  calamity  ?  Yes,  I  had  made  a  blunder  ; 
I  ought  to  have  invented  my  calamity  first.  "  What 
shall  I  do?  what  can  I  say,  to  gain  a  little  time?"  I 
was  in  trouble  again  ;  in  the  deepest  kind  of  trouble : 
.  .  .  "  There's  a  footstep ! — they're  coming.  If  I  had 
only  just  a  moment  to  think.  .  .  .  Good,  I've  got  it. 
I'm  all  right." 

You  see,  it  was  the  eclipse.  It  came  into  my  mind, 
in  the  nick  of  time,  how  Columbus,  or  Cortez,  or  one 
of  those  people,  played  an  eclipse  as  a  saving  trump 
once,  on  some  savages,  and  I  saw  my  chance.  I  could 
play  it  myself,  now ;  and  it  wouldn't  be  any  plagiar 
ism,  either,  because  I  should  get  it  in  nearly  a  thou 
sand  years  ahead  of  those  parties. 

Clarence  came  in,  subdued,  distressed,  and  said : 
"  I  hasted  the  message  to  our  liege  the  king,  and 
straightway  he  had  me  to  his  presence.  He  was 
frighted  even  to  the  marrow,  and  was  minded  to  give 
order  for  your  instant  enlargement,  and  that  you  be 
clothed  in  fine  raiment  and  lodged  as  befitted  one  so 
great ;  but  then  came  Merlin  and  spoiled  all ;  for  he 
persuaded  the  king  that  you  are  mad,  and  know  not 
whereof  you  speak ;  and  said  your  threat  is  but  fool 
ishness  and  idle  vaporing.  They  disputed  long,  but 
in  the  end,  Merlin,  scoffing,  said,  '  Wherefore  hath  he 
not  named  his  brave  calamity  ?  Verily  it  is  because 
he  cannot.'  This  thrust  did  in  a  most  sudden  sort 
close  the  king's  mouth,  and  he  could  offer  naught  to 
turn  the  argument ;  and  so,  reluctant,  and  full  loth  to 
do  you  the  discourtesy,  he  yet  prayeth  you  to  con 
sider  his  perplexed  case,  as  noting  how  the  matter 
4CY 


stands,  and  name  the  calamity — if  so  be  you  have  de 
termined  the  nature  of  it  and  the  time  of  its  coming. 
Oh,  prithee  delay  not ;  to  delay  at  such  a  time  were 
to  double  and  treble  the  perils  that  already  compass 
thee  about.  Oh,  be  thou  wise — name  the  calamity !" 

I  allowed  silence  to  accumulate  while  I  got  my  im- 
pressiveness  together,  and  then  said : 

"  How  long  have  I  been  shut  up  in  this  hole?" 

"  Ye  were  shut  up  when  yesterday  was  well  spent. 
It  is  9  of  the  morning  now." 

"  No  !  Then  I  have  slept  well,  sure  enough.  Nine 
in  the  morning  now!  And  yet  it  is  the  very  complex 
ion  of  midnight,  to  a  shade.  This  is  the  2Oth,  then?" 

"  The  20th— yes." 

"  And  I  am  to  be  burned  alive  to-morrow."  The 
boy  shuddered. 

"  At  what  hour?" 

"At  high  noon." 

"  Now  then,  I  will  tell  you  what  to  say."  I  paused, 
and  stood  over  that  cowering  lad  a  whole  minute  in 
awful  silence;  then,  in  a  voice  deep,  measured,  charged 
with  doom,  I  began,  and  rose  by  dramatically  graded 
stages  to  my  colossal  climax,  which  I  delivered  in  as 
sublime  and  noble  a  way  as  ever  I  did  such  a  thing  in 
my  life  :  "  Go  back  and  tell  the  king  that  at  that  hour 
I  will  smother  the  whole  world  in  the  dead  blackness 
of  midnight  ;  I  will  blot  out  the  sun,  and  he  shall 
never  shine  again  ;  the  fruits  of  the  earth  shall  rot  for 
lack  of  light  and  warmth,  and  the  peoples  of  the  earth 
shall  famish  and  die,  to  the  last  man  !" 

I  had  to  carry  the  boy  out  myself,  he  sunk  into 
such  a  collapse.  I  handed  him  over  to  the  soldiers, 
and  went  back. 


CHAPTER  VI 
THE     ECLIPSE 

IN  the  stillness  and  the  darkness,  realization  soon 
began  to  supplement  knowledge.  The  mere  knowl 
edge  of  a  fact  is  pale ;  but  when  you  come  to  realize 
your  fact,  it  takes  on  color.  It  is  all  the  difference 
between  hearing  of  a  man  being  stabbed  to  the  heart, 
and  seeing  it  done.  In  the  stillness  and  the  darkness, 
the  knowledge  that  I  was  in  deadly  danger  took  to  it 
self  deeper  and  deeper  meaning  all  the  time ;  a  some 
thing  which  was  realization  crept  inch  by  inch  through 
my  veins  and  turned  me  cold. 

But  it  is  a  blessed  provision  of  nature  that  at  times 
like  these,  as  soon  as  a  man's  mercury  has  got  down 
to  a  certain  point  there  comes  a  revulsion,  and  he 
rallies.  Hope  springs  up,  and  cheerfulness  along  with 
it,  and  then  he  is  in  good  shape  to  do  something  for 
himself,  if  anything  can  be  done.  When  my  rally 
came,  it  came  with  a  bound.  I  said  to  myself  that 
my  eclipse  would  be  sure  to  save  me,  and  make^me 
the  greatest  man  in  the  kingdom  besides  ;  and  straight 
way  my  mercury  went  up  to  the  top  of  the  tube,  and 
my  solicitudes  all  vanished.  I  was  as  happy  a  man  as 
there  was  in  the  world.  I  was  even  impatient  for  to 
morrow  to  come,  I  so  wanted  to  gather-in  that  great 
triumph  and  be  the  centre  of  all  the  nation's  wonder 


40 

and  reverence.  Besides,  in  a  business  way  it  would  be 
the  making  of  me  ;  I  knew  that. 

Meantime  there  was  one  thing  which  had  got 
pushed  into  the  background  of  my  mind.  That  was 
the  half-conviction  that  when  the  nature  of  my  pro 
posed  calamity  should  be  reported  to  those  supersti 
tious  people,  it  would  have  such  an  effect  that  they 
would  want  to  compromise.  So,  by-and-by  when  I 
heard  footsteps  coming,  that  thought  was  recalled  to 
me,  and  I  said  to  myself,  "As  sure  as  anything,  it's 
the  compromise.  Well,  if  it  is  good,  all  right,  I  will 
accept ;  but  if  it  isn't,  I  mean  to  stand  my  ground  and 
play  my  hand  for  all  it  is  worth." 

The  door  opened,  and  some  men-at-arms  appeared. 
The  leader  said— 

"  The  stake  is  ready.     Come  !" 

The  stake !  The  strength  went  out  of  me,  and  I 
almost  fell  down.  It  is  hard  to  get  one's  breath  at 
such  a  time,  such  lumps  come  into  one's  throat,  and 
such  gaspings  ;  but  as  soon  as  I  could  speak,  I  said  : 

"  But  this  is  a  mistake — the  execution  is  to-morrow." 

"Order  changed;  been  set  forward  a  day.  Haste 
thee!" 

I  was  lost.  There  \vas  no  help  for  me.  I  was  dazed, 
stupefied;  I  had  no  command  over  myself;  I  only 
wandered  purposelessly  about,  like  one  out  of  his 
mind  ;  so  the  soldiers  took  hold  of  me,  and  pulled  me 
along  with  them,  out  of  the  cell  and  along  the  maze 
of  underground  corridors,  and  finally  into  the  fierce 
glare  of  daylight  and  the  upper  world.  As  we  stepped 
into  the  vast  enclosed  court  of  the  castle  I  got  a  shock  ; 
for  the  first  thing  I  saw  was  the  stake,  standing  in  the 
centre,  and  near  it  the  piled  fagots  and  a  monk.  On 


41 

all  four  sides  of  the  court  the  seated  multitudes  rose 
rank  above  rank,  forming  sloping  terraces  that  were 
rich  with  color.  The  king  and  the  queen  sat  in  their 
thrones,  the  most  conspicuous  figures  there,  of  course. 

To  note  all  this,  occupied  but  a  second.  The  next 
second  Clarence  had  slipped  from  some  place  of  con 
cealment  and  was  pouring  news  into  my  ear,  his  eyes 
beaming  with  triumph  and  gladness.  He  said  : 

"  'Tis  through  me  the  change  was  wrought !  And 
main  hard  have  I  worked  to  do  it,  too.  But  when  I 
revealed  to  them  the  calamity  in  store,  and  saw  how 
mighty  was  the  terror  it  did  engender,  then  saw  I  also 
that  this  was  the  time  to  strike !  Wherefore  I  dili 
gently  pretended,  unto  this  and  that  and  the  other  one, 
that  your  power  against  the  sun  could  not  reach  its 
full  until  the  morrow ;  and  so  if  any  would  save  the 
sun  and  the  world,  you  must  be  slain  to-day,  whilst 
your  enchantments  are  but  in  the  weaving  and  lack 
potency.  Odsbodikins,  it  was  but  a  dull  lie,  a  most 
indifferent  invention,  but  you  should  have  seen  them 
seize  it  and  swallow  it,  in  the  frenzy  of  their  fright,  as 
it  were  salvation  sent  from  heaven  ;  and  all  the  while 
was  I  laughing  in  my  sleeve  the  one  moment,  to  see 
them  so  cheaply  deceived,  and  glorifying  God  the  next, 
that  He  was  content  to  let  the  meanest  of  His  creat 
ures  be  His  instrument  to  the  saving  of  thy  life.  Ah, 
how  happy  has  the  matter  sped !  You  will  not  need 
to  do  the  sun  a  real  hurt — ah,  forget  not  that,  on  your 
soul  forget  it  not !  Only  make  a  little  darkness — only 
the  littlest  little  darkness,  mind,  and  cease  with  that. 
It  will  be  sufficient.  They  will  see  that  I  spoke  false 
ly, — being  ignorant,  as  they  will  fancy — and  with  the 
falling  of  the  first  shadow  of  that  darkness  you  shall 


42 

see  them  go  mad  with  fear ;  and  they  will  set  you  free 
and  make  you  great !  Go  to  thy  triumph,  now  !  But 
remember — ah,  good  friend,  I  implore  thee  remember 
my  supplication,  and  do  the  blessed  sun  no  hurt.  For 
my  sake,  thy  true  friend." 

I  choked  out  some  words  through  my  grief  and 
misery ;  as  much  as  to  say  I  would  spare  the  sun  ;  for 
which  the  lad's  eyes  paid  me  back  with  such  deep  and 
loving  gratitude  that  I  had  not  the  heart  to  tell  him 
his  good-hearted  foolishness  had  ruined  me  and  sent 
me  to  my  death. 

As  the  soldiers  assisted  me  across  the  court  the  still 
ness  was  so  profound  that  if  I  had  been  blindfold  I 
should  have  supposed  I  was  in  a  solitude  instead  of 
walled  in  by  four  thousand  people.  There  was  not  a 
movement  perceptible  in  those  masses  of  humanity ; 
they  were  as  rigid  as  stone  images,  and  as  pale;  and 
dread  sat  upon  every  countenance.  This  hush  con 
tinued  while  I  was  being  chained  to  the  stake ;  it  still 
continued  while  the  fagots  were  carefully  and  tedious 
ly  piled  about  my  ankles,  my  knees,  my  thighs,  my 
body.  Then  there  was  a  pause,  and  a  deeper  hush,  if 
possible,  and  a  man  knelt  down  at  my  feet  with  a  blaz 
ing  torch  ;  the  multitude  strained  forward,  gazing,  and 
parting  slightly  from  their  seats  without  knowing  it ; 
the  monk  raised  his  hands  above  my  head,  and  his 
eyes  toward  the  blue  sky,  and  began  some  words  in 
Latin ;  in  this  attitude  he  droned  on  and  on,  a  little 
while,  and  then  stopped.  I  waited  two  or  three  mo 
ments;  then  looked  up;  he  was  standing  there  petri 
fied.  With  a  common  impulse  the  multitude  rose 
slowly  up  and  stared  into  the  sky.  I  followed  their 
eyes  ;  as  sure  as  guns,  there  was  my  eclipse  beginning ! 


43 

The  life  went  boiling  through  my  veins ;  I  was  a  new 
man  !  The  rim  of  black  spread  slowly  into  the  sun's 
disk,  my  heart  beat  higher  and  higher,  and  still  the 
assemblage  and  the  priest  stared  into  the  sky,  motion 
less.  I  knew  that  this  gaze  would  be  turned  upon  me, 
next.  When  it  was,  I  was  ready.  I  was  in  one  of  the 
most  grand  attitudes  I  ever  struck,  with  my  arm 
stretched  up  pointing  to  the  sun.  It  was  a  noble  effect. 
You  could  see  the  shudder  sweep  the  mass  like  a  wave. 
Two  shouts  rang  out,  one  close  upon  the  heels  of  the 
other: 

"Apply  the  torch!" 

"  I  forbid  it !" 

The  one  was  from  Merlin,  the  other  from  the  king. 
Merlin  started  from  his  place  —  to  apply  the  torch 
himself,  I  judged.  I  said  : 

"Stay  where  you  are.  If  any  man  moves  —  even 
the  king — before  I  give  him  leave,  I  will  blast  him 
with  thunder,  I  will  consume  him  with  lightnings!" 

The  multitude  sank  meekly  into  their  seats,  and  I 
was  just  expecting  they  would.  Merlin  hesitated  a 
moment  or  two,  and  I  was  on  pins  and  needles  during 
that  little  while.  Then  he  sat  down,  and  I  took  a 
good  breath  ;  for  I  knew  I  was  master  of  the  situa 
tion  now.  The  king  said  : 

"  Be  merciful,  fair  sir,  and  essay  no  further  in  this 
perilous  matter,  lest  disaster  follow.  It  was  reported 
to  us  that  your  powers  could  not  attain  unto  their 
full  strength  until  the  morrow  ;  but — 

"  Your  Majesty  thinks  the  report  may  have  been  a 
lie  ?  It  was  a  lie." 

That  made  an  immense  effect ;  up  went  appealing 
hands  everywhere,  and  the  king  was  assailed  with  a 


44 

storm  of  supplications  that  I  might  be  bought  off  at 
any  price,  and  the  calamity  stayed.  The  king  was 
eager  to  comply.  He  said  : 

"  Name  any  terms,  reverend  sir,  even  to  the  halving 
of  my  kingdom  ;  but  banish  this  calamity,  spare  the 
sun !" 

My  fortune  was  made.  I  would  have  taken  him 
up  in  a  minute,  but  /  couldn't  stop  an  eclipse ;  the 
thing  was  out  of  the  question.  So  I  asked  time  to 
consider.  The  king  said — 

"  How  long — ah,  how  long,  good  sir?  Be  merciful ; 
look,  it  groweth  darker,  moment  by  moment.  Prithee 
how  long?" 

"  Not  long.     Half  an  hour — maybe  an  hour." 

There  were  a  thousand  pathetic  protests,  but  I 
couldn't  shorten  up  any,  for  I  couldn't  remember  how 
long  a  total  eclipse  lasts.  I  was  in  a  puzzled  condi 
tion,  anyway,  and  wanted  to  think.  Something  was 
wrong  about  that  eclipse,  and  the  fact  was  very  un 
settling.  If  this  wasn't  the  one  I  was  after,  how  was 
I  to  tell  whether  this  was  the  sixth  century,  or  noth 
ing  but  a  dream  ?  Dear  me,  if  I  could  only  prove  it 
was  the  latter!  Here  was  a  glad  new  hope.  If  the 
boy  was  right  about  the  date,  and  this  was  surely  the 
2Oth,  it  wasrit  the  sixth  century.  I  reached  for  the 
monk's  sleeve,  in  considerable  excitement,  and  asked 
him  what  day  of  the  month  it  was. 

Hang  him,  he  said  it  was  the  twenty-first  !  It  made 
me  turn  cold  to  hear  him.  I  begged  him  not  to  make 
any  mistake  about  it ;  but  he  was  sure ;  he  knew  it 
was  the  2 1st.  So,  that  feather-headed  boy  had 
botched  things  again !  The  time  of  the.  day  was 
right  for  the  eclipse ;  I  had  seen  that  for  myself,  in 


THE    KING 


45 

the  beginning,  by  the  dial  that  was  near  by.  Yes,  I 
was  in  King  Arthur's  court,  and  I  might  as  well  make 
the  most-out-of  it- 1  cauld. 

The  darkness  was  steadily  growing,  the  people  be 
coming  more  and  more  distressed.  I  now  said : 

"  I  have  reflected,  Sir  King.  For  a  lesson,  I  will 
let  this  darkness  proceed,  and  spread  night  in  the 
world  ;  but  whether  I  blot  out  the  sun  for  good,  or 
restore  it,  shall  rest  with  you.  These  are  the  terms, 
to  wit :  You  shall  remain  king  over  all  your  domin 
ions,  and  receive  all  the  glories  and  honors  that  be 
long  to  the  kingship ;  but  you  shall  appoint  me  your 
perpetual  minister  and  executive,  and  give  me  for  my 
services  one  per  cent,  of  such  actual  increase  of  reve 
nue  over  and  above  its  present  amount  as  I  may  suc 
ceed  in  creating  for  the  state.  If  I  can't  live  on  that, 
I  sha'n't  ask  anybody  to  give  me  a  lift.  Is  it  satis 
factory?" 

There  was  a  prodigious  roar  of  applause,  and  out  of 
the  midst  of  it  the  king's  voice  rose,  saying: 

"  Away  with  his  bonds,  and  set  him  free !  and  do 
him  homage,  high  and  low,  rich  and  poor,  for  he  is 
become  the  king's  right  hand,  is  clothed  with  power 
and  authority,  and  his  seat  is  upon  the  highest  step  of 
the  throne !  Now  sweep  away  this  creeping  night, 
and  bring  the  light  and  cheer  again,  that  all  the 
world  may  bless  thee." 

But  I  said  : 

"  That  a  common  man  should  be  shamed  before 
the  world,  is  nothing;  but  it  were  dishonor  to  the 
king  if  any  that  saw  his  minister  naked  should  not 
also  see  him  delivered  from  his  shame.  If  I  might 
ask  that  my  clothes  be  brought  again— 


46 

"  They  are  not  meet,"  the  king  broke  in.  "  Fetch 
raiment  of  another  sort ;  clothe  him  like  a  prince  !" 

My  idea  worked.  I  wanted  to  keep  things  as  they 
were  till  the  eclipse  was  total,  otherwise  they  would 
be  trying  again  to  get  me  to  dismiss  the  darkness, 
and  of  course  I  couldn't  do  it.  Sending  for  the 
clothes  gained  some  delay,  but  not  enough.  So  I 
had  to  make  another  excuse.  I  said  it  would  be  but 
natural  if  the  king  should  change  his  mind  and  re 
pent  to  some  extent  of  what  he  had  done  under 
excitement ;  therefore  I  would  let  the  darkness  grow 
a  while,  and  if  at  the  end  of  a  reasonable  time  the 
king  had  kept  his  mind  the  same,  the  darkness  should 
be  dismissed.  Neither  the  king  nor  anybody  else 
was  satisfied  with  that  arrangement,  but  I  had  to 
stick  to  my  point. 

It  grew  darker  and  darker  and  blacker  and  blacker, 
while  I  struggled  with  those  awkward  sixth-century 
clothes.  It  got  to  be  pitch  dark,  at  last,  and  the  mul 
titude  groaned  with  horror  to  feel  the  cold  uncanny 
night  breezes  fan  through  the  place  and  see  the  stars 
come  out  and  twinkle  in  the  sky.  At  last  the  eclipse 
was  total,  and  I  was  very  glad  of  it,  but  everybody 
else  was  in  misery ;  which  was  quite  natural.  I 
said : 

"The  king,  by  his  silence,  still  stands  to  the  terms." 

Then  I  lifted  up  my  hands — stood  just  so  a  moment 

—  then     I    said,    with    the    most    awful    solemnity: 

"  Let  the   enchantment   dissolve   and   pass   harmless 

away  !" 

There  was  no  response,  for  a  moment,  in  that  deep 
darkness  and  ihat  graveyard  hush.  But  when  the 
silver  rim  of  the  sun  pushed  itself  out,  a  moment  or 


47 


two  later,  the  assemblage  broke  loose  with  a  vast 
shout  and  came  pouring  down  like  a  deluge  to 
smother  me  with  blessings  and  gratitude  ;  and  Clar 
ence  was  not  the  last  of  the  wash,  be  sure. 


CHAPTER  VII 


INASMUCH  as  I  was  now  the  second  personage  in 
the  Kingdom,  as  far  as  political  power  and  authority 
were  concerned,  much  was  made  of  me.  My  raiment 
was  of  silks  and  velvets  and  cloth  of  gold,  and  by  con 
sequence  was  very  showy,  also  uncomfortable.  But 
habit  would  soon  reconcile  me  to  my  clothes ;  I  was 
aware  of  that.  I  was  given  the  choicest  suite  of  apart 
ments  in  the  castle,  after  the  king's.  They  were  aglow 
with  loud-colored  silken  hangings,  but  the  stone  floors 
had  nothing  but  rushes  on  them  for  a  carpet,  and  they 
were  misfit  rushes  at  that,  being  not  all  of  one  breed. 
As  for  conveniences,  properly  speaking,  there  weren't 
any.  I  mean  little  conveniences  ;  it  is  the  little  con 
veniences  that  make  the  real  comfort  of  life.  The 
big  oaken  chairs,  graced  with  rude  carvings,  were  well 
enough,  but  that  was  the  stopping-place.  There  was 
no  soap,  no  matches,  no  looking-glass — except  a  metal 
one,  about  as  powerful  as  a  pail  of  water  And  not  a 
chromo.  I  had  been  used  to  chromos  ior  years,  and 
I  saw  now  that  without  my  suspecting  it  a  passion  for 
art  had  got  worked  into  the  fabric  of  my  being,  and 
was  become  a  part  of  me.  It  made  me  homesick  to 
look  around  over  this  proud  and  gaudy  but  heartless 
barrenness  and  remember  that  in  our  house  in  East 


49 

Hartford,  all  unpretending  as  it  was,  you  couldn't  go 
into  a  room  but  you  would  find  an  insurance-chromo, 
or  at  least  a  three-color  God-Bless-Our-Home  over  the 
door ;  and  in  the  parlor  we  had  nine.  But  here,  even 
in  my  grand  room  of  state,  there  wasn't  anything  in 
the  nature  of  a  picture  except  a  thing  the  size  of  a 
bed-quilt,  which  was  either  woven  or  knitted,  (it  had 
darned  places  in  it,)  and  nothing  in  it  was  the  right 
color  or  the  right  shape ;  and  as  for  proportions,  even 
Raphael  himself  couldn't  have  botched  them  more  for 
midably,  after  all  his  practice  on  those  nightmares 
they  call  his  "  celebrated  Hampton  Court  cartoons." 
Raphael  was  a  bird.  We  had  several  of  his  chromos; 
one  was  his  "  Miraculous  Draught  of  Fishes,"  where 
he  puts  in  a  miracle  of  his  own — puts  three  men  into 
a  canoe  which  wouldn't  have  held  a  dog  without  up 
setting.  I  always  admired  to  study  R.'s  art,  it  was  so 
f-csh  and  unconventional. 

There  wasn't  even  a  bell  or  a  speaking-tube  in  the 
castle.  I  had  a  great  many  servants,  and  those  that 
were  on  duty  lolled  in  the  anteroom ;  and  when  I 
wanted  one  of  them  I  had  to  go  and  call  for  him. 
There  was  no  gas,  there  were  no  candles;  a  bronze 
dish  half  full  of  boarding-house  butter  with  a  blazing 
rag  floating  in  it  was  the  thing  that  produced  what 
was  regarded  as  light.  A  lot  of  these  hung  along 
the  walls  and  modified  the  dark,  just  toned  it  down 
enough  to  make  it  dismal.  If  you  went  out  at  night, 
your  servants  carried  torches.  There  were  no  books, 
pens,  paper,  or  ink,  and  no  glass  in  the  openings  they 
believed  to  be  windows.  It  is  a  little  thing — glass  is 
— until  it  is  absent,  then  it  becomes  a  big  thing.  But 
perhaps  the  worst  of  all  was,  that  there  wasn't  any 


5Q 

sugar,  coffee,  tea  or  tobacco.  I  saw  that  I  was  just 
another  Robinson  Crusoe  cast  away  on  an  uninhab 
ited  island,  with  no  society  but  some  more  or  less 

,  tame  animals,  and  if  I  wanted  to  make  life  bearable  I 
must  do  as  he  did — invent,  contrive,  create,  reorganize 
.things;  set  brain  and  hand  to  work,  and  keep  them 

i  busy.     Well,  that  was  in  my  line. 

One  thing  troubled  me  along  at  first — the  immense 
interest  which  people  took  in  me.  Apparently  the 
whole  nation  wanted  a  look  at  me.  It  soon  transpired 
that  the  eclipse  had  scared  the  British  world  almost 
to  death :  that  while  it  lasted  the  whole  country,  from 
one  end  to  the  other,  was  in  a  pitiable  state  of  panic, 
and  the  churches,  hermitages,  and  monkeries  over 
flowed  with  praying  and  weeping  poor  creatures  who 
thought  the  end  of  the  world  was  come.  Then  had 
followed  the  news  that  the  producer  of  this  awful 
event  was  a  stranger,  a  mighty  magician  at  Arthur's 
court ;  that  he  could  have  blown  out  the  sun  like  a 

.  candle,  and  was  just  going  to  do  it  when  his  mercy 
was  purchased,  and  he  then  dissolved  his  enchant 
ments,  and  was  now  recognized  and  honored  as  the 
man  who  had  by  his  unaided  might  saved  the  globe 
from  destruction  and  its  peoples  from  extinction. 
Now  if  you  consider  that  everybody  believed  that, 
and  not  only  believed  it  but  never  even  dreamed  of 
doubting  it,  you  will  easily  understand  that  there  was 
not  a  person  in  all  Britain  that  would  not  have  walked 
fifty  miles  to  get  a  sight  of  me.  Of  course  I  was  all 
the  talk  —  all  other  subjects  were  dropped;  even  the 
king  became  suddenly  a  person  of  minor  interest  and 
notoriety.  Within  twenty-four  hours  the  delegations 
began  to  arrive,  and  from  that  time  onward  for  a  fort* 


-£•  '  **iU  L^.<  ?K»..V.  t^-^-v  >  i:          > ,  "v7/£s3?,  \  A. 


THERE    WAS    NO    SOAP,   NO    MATCHES,    NO    LOOKING-GLASS 


night  they  kept  coming.  The  village  was  crowded, 
and  all  the  countryside.  I  had  to  go  out  a  dozen 
times  a  day  and  show  myself  to  these  reverent  and 
awe-stricken  multitudes.  It  came  to  be  a  great  bur 
den,  as  to  time  and  trouble,  but  of  course  it  was  at 
the  same  time  compensatingly  agreeable  to  be  so 
celebrated  and  such  a  centre  of  homage.  It  turned 
Brer  Merlin  green  with  envy  and  spite,  which  was  a 
great  satisfaction  to  me.  But  there  was  one  thing  I 
couldn't  understand  ;  nobody  had  asked  for  an  auto 
graph.  I  spoke  to  Clarence  about  it.  By  George,  I 
had  to  explain  to  him  what  it  was.  Then  he  said  no 
body  in  the  country  could  read  or  write  but  a  few 
dozen  priests.  Land  !  think  of  that. 

There  was  another  thing  that  troubled  me  a  little. 
Those  multitudes  presently  began  to  agitate  for  an 
other  miracle.  That  was  natural.  To  be  able  to  car 
ry  back  to  their  far  homes  the  boast  that  they  had 
seen  the  man  who  could  command  the  sun,  riding  in 
the  heavens,  and  be  obeyed,  would  make  them  great 
in  the  eyes  of  their  neighbors,  and  envied  by  them 
all ;  but  to  be  able  to  also  say  they  had  seen  him  work 
a  miracle  themselves — why,  people  would  come  a  dis 
tance  to  see  them.  The  pressure  got  to  be  pretty 
strong.  There  was  going  to  be  an  eclipse  of  the 
moon,  and  I  knew  the  date  and  hour,  but  it  was  too 
far  away.  Two  years.  I  would  have  given  a  good 
deal  for  license  to  hurry  it  up  and  use  it  now  when 
there  was  a  big  market  for  it.  It  seemed  a  great  pity 
to  have  it  wasted,  so,  and  come  lagging  along  at  a 
time  when  a  body  wouldn't  have  any  use  for  it  as  like 
as  not.  If  it  had  been  booked  for  only  a  month  away, 
I  could  have  sold  it  short  ;  but  as  matters  stood,  I 


52 

couldn't  seem  to  cipher  out  any  way  to  make  it  do  me 
any  good,  so  I  gave  up  trying.  Next,  Clarence  found 
that  old  Merlin  was  making  himself  busy  on  the  sly 
among  those  people.  He  was  spreading  a  report  that 
I  was  a  humbug,  and  that  the  reason  I  didn't  accom 
modate  the  people  with  a  miracle  was  because  I 
couldn't.  I  saw  that  I  must  do  something.  I  pres 
ently  thought  out  a  plan. 

By  my  authority  as  executive  I  threw  Merlin  into 
prison — the  same  cell  1  had  occupied  myself.  Then 
I  gave  public  notice  by  herald  and  trumpet  that  I 
should  be  busy  with  affairs  of  state  for  a  fortnight, 
but  about  the  end  of  that  time  I  would  take  a  mo 
ment's  leisure  and  blow  up  Merlin's  stone  tower  by 
fires  from  heaven  ;  in  the  meantime,  whoso  listened  to 
evil  reports  about  me,  let  him  beware.  Furthermore, 
I  would  perform  but  this  one  miracle  at  this  time,  and 
no  more ;  if  it  failed  to  satisfy  and  any  murmured,  I 
would  turn  the  murmurers  into  horses,  and  make  them 
useful.  Quiet  ensued. 

I  took  Clarence  into  my  confidence,  to  a  certain  de 
gree,  and  we  went  to  work  privately.  I  told  him  that 
this  was  a  sort  of  miracle  that  required  a  trifle  of  prep 
aration,  and  that  it  would  be  sudden  death  to  ever  talk 
about  these  preparations  to  anybody.  That  made  his 
mouth  safe  enough.  Clandestinely  we  made  a  few 
bushels  of  first-rate  blasting- powder,  and  I  superin 
tended  my  armorers  while  they  constructed  a  light 
ning-rod  and  some  wires.  This  old  stone  tower  was 
very  massive — and  rather  ruinous,  too,  for  it  was  Ro 
man,  and  four  hundred  years  old.  Yes,  and  hand 
some,  after  a  rude  fashion,  and  clothed  with  ivy  from 
base  to  summit,  as  with  a  shirt  of  scale  mail.  It  stood 


53 

on  a  lonely  eminence,  in  good  view  from  the  castle, 
and  about  half  a  mile  away. 

Working  by  night,  we  stowed  the  powder  in  the 
tower — dug  stones  out,  on  the  inside,  and  buried  the 
powder  in  the  walls  themselves,  which  were  fifteen 
feet  thick  at  the  base.  We  put  in  a  peck  at  a  time, 
in  a  dozen  places.  We  could  have  blown  up  the 
Tower  of  London  with  these  charges.  When  the 
thirteenth  night  was  come  we  put  up  our  lightning- 
rod,  bedded  it  in  one  of  the  batches  of  powder,  and 
ran  wires  from  it  to  the  other  batches.  Everybody 
had  shunned  that  locality  from  the  day  of  my  proc 
lamation,  but  on  the  morning  of  the  fourteenth  I 
thought  best  to  warn  the  people,  through  the  heralds, 
to  keep  clear  away — a  quarter  of  a  mile  away.  Then 
added,  by  command,  that  at  some  time  during  the 
twenty-four  hours  I  would  consummate  the  miracle, 
but  would  first  give  a  brief  notice;  by  flags  on  the 
castle  towers,  if  in  the  daytime,  by  torch-baskets  in 
the  same  places  if  at  night. 

Thunder -showers  had  been  tolerably  frequent  of 
late,  and  I  was  not  much  afraid  of  a  failure  ;  still,  I 
shouldn't  have  cared  for  a  delay  of  a  day  or  two ;  I 
should  have  explained  that  I  was  busy  with  affairs  of 
state,  yet,  and  the  people  must  wait. 

Of  course  we  had  a  blazing  sunny  day — almost  the 
first  one  without  a  cloud  for  three  weeks;  things  al 
ways  happen  so.  I  kept  secluded,  and  watched  the 
weather.  Clarence  dropped  in  from  time  to  time  and 
said  the  public  excitement  was  growing  and  growing 
all  the  time,  and  the  whole  country  filling  up  with  hu 
man  masses  as  far  as  one  could  see  from  the  battle 
ments.  At  last  the  wind  sprang  up  and  a  cloud  ap- 
5CY 


54 

peared — in  the  right  quarter,  too,  and  just  at  nightfall. 
For  a  little  while  I  watched  that  distant  cloud  spread 
and  blacken,  then  I  judged  it  was  time  for  me  to  ap 
pear.  I  ordered  the  torch-baskets  to  be  lit,  and  Mer 
lin  liberated  and  sent  to  me.  A  quarter  of  an  hour 
later  I  ascended  the  parapet  and  there  found  the  king 
and  the  court  assembled  and  gazing  off  in  the  dark 
ness  toward  Merlin's  Tower.  Already  the  darkness 
was  so  heavy  that  one  could  not  see  far;  these  peo 
ple,  and  the  old  turrets,  being  partly  in  deep  shadow 
and  partly  in  the  red  glow  from  the  great  torch-bas 
kets  overhead,  made  a  good  deal  of  a  picture. 
Merlin  arrived  in  a  gloomy  mood.  I  said: 
"  You  wanted  to  burn  me  alive  when  I  had  not  done 
you  any  harm,  and  latterly  you  have  been  trying  to 
injure  my  professional  reputation.  Therefore  I  am 
going  to  call  down  fire  and  blow  up  your  tower,  but 
it  is  only  fair  to  give  you  a  chance ;  now  if  you  think 
you  can  break  my  enchantments  and  ward  off  the  fires, 
step  to  the  bat,  it's  your  innings." 

"  I  can,  fair  sir,  and  I  will.  Doubt  it  not." 
He  drew  an  imaginary  circle  on  the  stones  of  the 
roof,  and  burnt  a  pinch  of  powder  in  it  which  sent  up 
a  small  cloud  of  aromatic  smoke,  whereat  everybody 
fell  back,  and  began  to  cross  themselves  and  get  un 
comfortable.  Then  he  began  to  mutter  and  make 
passes  in  the  air  with  his  hands.  He  worked  himself 
up  slowly  and  gradually  into  a  sort  of  frenzy,  and  got 
to  thrashing  around  with  his  arms  like  the  sails  of  a 
windmill.  By  this  time  the  storm  had  about  reached 
us;  the  gusts  of  wind  were  flaring  the  torches  and 
making  the  shadows  swash  about,  the  first  heavy 
drops  of  rain  were  falling,  the  world  abroad  was  black 


55 

as  pitch,  the  lightning  began  to  wink  fitfully.  Of 
course  my  rod  would  be  loading  itself  now.  In  fact, 
things  were  imminent.  So  I  said  : 

"  You  have  had  time  enough.  I  have  given  you  ev 
ery  advantage,  'and  not  interfered.  It  is  plain  your 
magic  is  weak.  It  is  only  fair  that  I  begin  now." 

I  made  about  three  passes  in  the  air,  and  then  there 
was  an  awful  crash  and  that  old  tower  leaped  into  the 
sky  in  chunks,  along  with  a  vast  volcanic  fountain  of 
fire  that  turned  night  to  noonday,  and  showed  a  thou 
sand  acres  of  human  beings  grovelling  on  the  ground 
in  a  general  collapse  of  consternation.  Well,  it  rained 
mortar  and  masonry  the  rest  of  the  week.  This  was  the 
report;  but  probably  the  facts  would  have  modified  it. 

It  was  an  effective  miracle.  The  great  bothersome 
temporary  population  vanished.  There  were  a  good 
many  thousand  tracks  in  the  mud  the  next  morning, 
but  they  were  all  outward  bound.  If  I  had  advertised 
another  miracle  I  couldn't  have  raised  an  audience 
with  a  sheriff. 

Merlin's  stock  was  flat.  The  king  wanted  to  stop 
his  wages;  he  even  wanted  to  banish  him,  but  I  inter 
fered.  I  said  he  would  be  useful  to  work  the  weather, 
and  attend  to  small  matters  like  that,  and  I  would 
give  him  a  lift  now  and  then  when  his  poor  little 
parlor-magic  soured  on  him.  There  wasn't  a  rag  of 
his  tower  left,  but  I  had  the  government  rebuild  it  for 
him,  and  advised  him  to  take  boarders ;  but  he  was 
too  high-toned  for  that.  And  as  for  being  grateful, 
he  never  even  said  thank-you.  He  was  a  rather  hard 
lot,  take  him  how  you  might ;  but  then  you  couldn't 
fairly  expect  a  man  to  be  sweet  that  had  been  set 
back  so. 


CHAPTER  VIII 
THE   BOSS 

To  be  vested  with  enormous  authority  is  a  fine 
thing ;  but  to  have  the  on-looking  world  consent  to 
it  is  a  finer.  The  tower  episode  solidified  my  power, 
and  made  it  impregnable.  If  any  were  perchance 
disposed  to  be  jealous  and  critical  before  that,  they 
experienced  a  change  of  heart,  now.  There  was  not 
any  one  in  the  kingdom  who  would  have  considered 
it  good  judgment  to  meddle  with  my  matters. 

I  was  fast  getting  adjusted  to  my  situation  and 
circumstances.  For  a  time,  I  u-sed  to  wake  up,  morn 
ings,  and  smile  at  my  "dream,"  and  listen  for  the 
Colt's  factory  whistle ;  but  that  sort  of  thing  played 
itself  out,  gradually,  and  at  last  I  was  fully  able  to 
realize  that  I  was  actually  living  in  the  sixth  century, 
and  in  Arthur's  court,  not  a  lunatic  asylum.  After 
that,  I  was  just  as  much  at  home  in  that  century  as  I 
could  have  been  in  any  other ;  and  as  for  preference, 
I  wouldn't  have  traded  it  for  the  twentieth.  Look  at 
ttie^opportunities  here  for  a  man  of  knowledge,  brains, 
pluck  and  enterprise  to  sail  in  and  grow  up  with  the 
country.  The  grandest  field  that  ever  was;  and  all- 
my  own ;  not  a  competitor ;  not  a  man  who  wasn't  a 
baby  to  me  in  acquirements  and  capacities;  whereas, 
what  would  I  amount  to  in  the  twentieth  century  ? 


57 

I  should  be  foreman  of  a  factory,  that  is  about  all ; 
and  could  drag  a  seine  down-street  any  day  and  catch 
a  hundred  better  men  than  myself. 

What  a  jump  I  had  made  !  I  couldn't  keep  from 
thinking  about  it,  and  contemplating  it,  just  as  one  does 
who  has  struck  oil.  There  was  nothing  back  of  me 
that  could  approach  it,  unless  it  might  be  Joseph's 
case ;  and  Joseph's  only  approached  it,  it  didn't  equal 
it,  quite.  For  it  stands  to  reason  that  as  Joseph's 
splendid  financial  ingenuities  advantaged  nobody  but 
the  king,  the  general  public  must  have  regarded  him 
with  a  good  deal  of  disfavor,  whereas  I  had  done  my 
entire  public  a  kindness  in  sparing  the  sun,  and  was 
popular  by  reason  of  it. 

I  was  no  shadow  of  a  king ;  I  was  the  substance ; 
the  king  himself  was  the  shadow.  My  power  was 
colossal;  and  it  was  not  a  mere  name,  as  such  things 
have  generally  been,  it  was  the  genuine  article.  I 
stood  here,  at  the  very  spring  and  source  of  the 
second  great  period  of  the  world's  history;  and  could 
see  the  trickling  stream  of  that  history  gather,  and 
deepen  and  broaden,  and  roll  its  mighty  tides  down 
the  far  centuries;  and  I  could  note  the  upspringing 
of  adventurers  like  myself  in  the  shelter  of  its  long 
array  of  thrones:  De  Montforts,  Gavestons,  Mor 
timers,  Villierses  ;  the  war-making,  campaign-directing 
wantons  of  France,  and  Charles  the  Second's  sceptre- 
wielding  drabs ;  but  nowhere  in  the  procession  was 
my  full-sized  fellow  visible.  I  was  a  Unique ;  and 
glad  to  know  that  that  fact  could  not  be  dislodged  or 
challenged  for  thirteen  centuries  and  a  half,  for  sure. 

Yes,  in  power  I  was  equal  to  the  king.  At  the 
same  time  there  was  another  power  that  was  a  trifle 


$8 

^tronger  than  both  of  us  put  together.  That  was  the 
Church.  I  do  not  wish  to  disguise  that  fact.  I 
couldn't,  if  I  wanted  to.  But  never  mind  about  that, 
now;  it  will  show  up,  in  its  proper  place,  later  on.  It 
didn't  cause  me  any  trouble  in  the  beginning — at  least 
any  of  consequence. 

Well,  it  was  a  curious  country,  and  full  of  interest. 
And  the  people  !  They  were  the  quaintest  and  sim 
plest  and  trustingest  race ;  why,  they  were  nothing 
but  rabbits.  It  was  pitiful  for  a  person  born  in  a 
wholesome  free  atmosphere  to  listen  to  their  humble 
and  hearty  outpourings  of  loyalty  toward  their  king 
and  Church  and  nobility  ;  as  if  they  had  any  more 

'  occasion  to  love  and  honor  king  and  Church  and 
noble  than  a  slave  has  to  love  and  honor  the  lash,  or 

,  a  dog  has  to  love  and  honor  the  stranger  that  kicks 
him  !  Why,  dear  me,  any  kind  of  royalty,  howsoever 
modified,  any  kind  of  aristocracy,  howsoever  pruned, 
is  rightly  an  insult ;  but  if  you  are  born  and  brought 
up  under  that  sort  of  arrangement  you  probably  never 
find  it  out  for  yourself,  and  don't  believe  it  when  some 
body  else  tells  you.  It  is  enough  to  make  a  body 
ashamed  of  his  race  to  think  of  the  sort  of  froth  that 
has  always  occupied  its  thrones  without  shadow  of 
right  or  reason,  and  the  seventh-rate  people  that  have 
always  figured  as  its  aristocracies — a  company  of  mon- 
'archs  and  nobles  who,  as  a  rule,  would  have  achieved 
.only  poverty  and  obscurity  if  left,  like  their  betters, 
to  their  own  exertions. 

The  most  of  King  Arthur's  British  nation  were  slaves, 
pure  and  simple,  and  bore  that  name,  and  wore  the 
iron  collar  on  their  necks  ;  and  the  rest  were  slaves  in 
fact,  but  without  the  name  ;  they  imagined  themselves 


59 

men  -ind  freemen,  and  called  themselves  so.  The 
truth  was,  the  nation  as  a  body  was  in  the  world  for 
one  object,  and  one  only :  to  grovel  before  king  and 
Church  and  noble;  to  slave  for  them,  sweat  blood  for 
them,  starve  that  they  might  be  fed,  work  that  they 
might  play,  drink  misery  to  the  dregs  that  they  might 
be  happy,  go  naked  that  they  might  wear  silks  and 
jewels,  pay  taxes  that  they  might  be  spared  from  pay 
ing  them,  be  familiar  all  their  lives  with  the  degrading 
language  and  postures  of  adulation  that  they  might 
walk  in  pride  and  think  themselves  the  gods  of  this 
world.  And  for  all  this,  the  thanks  they  got  were 
cuffs  and  contempt ;  and  so  poor-spirited  were  they 
that  they  took  even  this  sort  of  attention  as  an  honor. 
Inherited  ideas  are  a  curious  thing,  and  interesting 
to  observe  and  examine.  I  had  mine,  the  king  and 
his  people  had  theirs.  In  both  cases  they  flowed  in 
ruts  worn  deep  by  time  and  habit,  and  the  man  who 
should  have  proposed  to  divert  them  by  reason  and 
argument  would  have  had  a  long  contract  on  his 
hands.  For  instance,  those  people  had  inherited  the 
idea  that  all  men  without  title  and  a  long  pedigree, 
whether  they  had  great  natural  gifts  and  acquirements 
or  hadn't,  were  creatures  of  no  more  consideratioi 
than  so  many  animals,  bugs,  insects  ;  whereas  I  hac 
inherited  the  idea  that  human  daws  who  can  consent 
to  masquerade  in  the  peacock-shams  of  inherited  dig 
nities  and  unearned  titles,  are  of  no  good  but  to  be 
laughed  at.  The  way  I  was  looked  upon  was  odd, 
but  it  was  natural.  You  know  how  the  keeper  and 
the  public  regard  the  elephant  in  the  menagerie  :  well, 
that  is  the  idea.  They  are  full  of  admiration  of  his 
vast  bulk  and  his  prodigious  strength  ;  they  speak 


6o 


with  pride  of  the  fact  that  he  can  do  a  hundred 
marvels  which  are  far  and  away  beyond  their  own 
powers ;  and  they  speak  with  the  same  pride  of  the 
fact  that  in  his  wrath  he  is  able  to  drive  a  thousand 
men  before  him.  But  does  that  make  him  one  of 
them?  No;  the  raggedest  tramp  in  the  pit  would 
smile  at  the  idea.  He  couldn't  comprehend  it ; 
couldn't  take  it  in  ;  couldn't  in  any  remote  way  con 
ceive  of  it.  Well,  to  the  king,  the  nobles,  and  all  the 
nation,  down  to  the  very  slaves  and  tramps,  I  was  just 
that  kind  of  an  elephant,  and  nothing  more.  I  was 
admired,  also  feared ;  but  it  was  as  an  animal  is 
admired  and  feared.  The  animal  is  not  reverenced, 
neither  was  I  ;  I  was  not  even  respected.  I  had  no 
pedigree,  no  inherited  title  ;  so  in  the  king's  and  nobles' 
eyes  I  was  mere  dirt  ;  the  people  regarded  me  with 
wonder  and  awe,  but  there  was  no  reverence  mixed 
with  it ;  through  the  force  of  inherited  ideas  they 
were  not  able  to  conceive  of  anything  being  entitled 
to  that  except  pedigree  and  lordship.  There  you  see 
the  hand  of  that  awful  power,  the  Roman  Catholic 
Church.  In  two  or  three  little  centuries  it  had  con 
verted  a  nation  of  men  to  a  nation  of  worms.  Before 
the  day  of  the  Church's  supremacy  in  the  world,  men 
were  men,  and  held  their  heads  up,  and  had  a  man's 
pride  and  spirit  and  independence  ;  and  what  of  great 
ness  and  position  a  person  got,  he  got  mainly  by 
achievement,  not  by  birth.  But  then  the  Church 
came  to  the  front,  with  an  axe  to  grind  ;  and  she  was 
wise,  subtle,  and  knew  more  than  one  way  to  skin  a 
cat — or  a  nation  ;  she  invented  "  divine  right  of  kings," 
and  propped  it  all  around,  brick  by  brick,  with  the 
Beatitudes — wrenching  them  from  their  good  purpose 


INHERITED    IDEAS    ARE    A    CURIOUS    THING 


6i 

to  make  them  fortify  an  evil  one ;  she  preached  (to 
the  commoner,)  humility,  obedience  to  superiors,  the 
beauty  of  self-sacrifice ;  she  preached  (to  the  com 
moner,)  meekness  under  insult ;  preached  (still  to  the 
commoner,  always  to  the  commoner,)  patience,  mean 
ness  of  spirit,  non-resistance  under  oppression  ;  and 
she  introduced  heritable  ranks  and  aristocracies,  and 
taught  all  the  Christian  populations  of  the  earth  to 
bow  down  to  them  and  worship  them.  Even  down 
to  my  birth-century  that  poison  was  still  in  the  blood 
of  Christendom,  and  the  best  of  English  commoners 
was  still  content  to  see  his  inferiors  impudently  con 
tinuing  to  hold  a  number  of  positions,  such  as  lord 
ships  and  the  throne,  to  which  the  grotesque  laws  of 
his  country  did  not  allow  him  to  aspire  ;  in  fact  he 
was  not  merely  contented  with  this  strange  condition 
of  things,  he  was  even  able  to  persuade  himself  that 
he  was  proud  of  it.  It  seems  to  show  that  there  isn't 
anything  you  can't  stand,  if  you  are  only  born  and 
bred  to  it.  Of  course  that  taint,  that  reverence  for 
rank  and  title,  had  been  in  our  American  blood,  too — 
I  know  that;  but  when  I  left  America  it  had  disap 
peared — at  least  to  all  intents  and  purposes.  The 
remnant  of  it  was  restricted  to  the  dudes  and  dudess- 
es.  When  a  disease  has  worked  its  way  down  to  that 
level,  it  may  fairly  be  said  to  be  out  of  the  system. 

But  to  return  to  my  anomalous  position  in  King 
Arthur's  kingdom.  Here  I  was,  a  giant  among  pig 
mies,  a  man  among  children,  a  master  intelligence 
among  intellectual  moles:  by  all  rational  measure 
ment  the  one  and  only  actually  great  man  in  that 
whole  British  world  ;  and  yet  there  and  then,  just  as 
in  the  remote  England  of  my  birth-time,  the  sheep- 


62 


witted  earl  who  could  claim  long  descent  from  a  king's 
leman,  acquired  at  second-hand  from  the  slums  of 
London,  was  a  better  man  than  I  was.  Such  a  per 
sonage  was  fawned  upon  in  Arthur's  realm  and  rever 
ently  looked  up  to  by  everybody,  even  though  his 
dispositions  were  as  mean  as  his  intelligence,  and 
his  morals  as  base  as  his  lineage.  There  were  times 
when  he  could  sit  down  in  the  king's  presence,  but  I 
couldn't.  I  could  have  got  a  title  easily  enough,  and 
that  would  have  raised  me  a  large  step  in  everybody's 
eyes;  even  in  the  king's,  the  giver  of  it.  But  I  didn't 
ask  for  it ;  and  I  declined  it  when  it  was  offered.  I 
couldn't  have  enjoyed  such  a  thing  with  my  notions ; 
and  it  wouldn't  have  been  fair,  anyway,  because  as  far 
back  as  I  could  go,  our  tribe  had  always  been  short  of 
the  bar  sinister.  I  couldn't  have  felt  really  and  satis 
factorily  fine  and  proud  and  set-up  over  any  title  ex 
cept  one  that  should  come  from  the  nation  itself,  the 
only  legitimate  source ;  and  such  an  one  I  hoped  to 
vwin ;  and  in  the  course  of  years  of  honest  and  honor 
able  endeavor,  I  did  win  it  and  did  wear  it  with  a  high 
and  clean  pride.  This  title  fell  casually  from  the  lips 
of  a  blacksmith,  one  day,  in  a  village,  was  caught  up 
as  a  happy  thought  and  tossed  from  mouth  to  mouth 
with  a  laugh  and  an  affirmative  vote ;  in  ten  days  it 
had  swept  the  kingdom,  and  was  become  as  familiar 
as  the  king's  name.  I  was  never  known  by  any  other 
designation  afterwards,  whether  in  the  nation's  talk  or 
in  grave  debate  upon  matters  of  state  at  the  council- 
board  of  the  sovereign.  This  title,  translated  into 
modern  speech,  would  be  THE  BOSS.  Elected  by  the 
nation.  That  suited  me.  And  it  was  a  pretty  high 
title.  There  were  very  few  THE's,  and  I  was  one  of 


63 

them.  If  you  spoke  of  the  duke,  or  the  earl,  or  the 
bishop,  how  could  anybody  tell  which  one  you  meant  ? 
But  if  you  spoke  of  The  King  or  The  Queen  or  The 
Boss,  it  was  different. 

Well,  I  liked  the  king,  and  <7^king  I  respected  him — 
respected  the  office ;  at  least  respected  it  as  much  as 
I  was  capable  of  respecting  any  unearned  supremacy; 
but  as  men  I  looked  down  upon  him  and  his  nobles — 
privately.  And  he  and  they  liked  me,  and  respected 
my  office ;  but  as  an  animal,  without  birth  or  sham 
title,  they  looked  down  upon  me — and  were  not  par 
ticularly  private  about  it,  either.  I  didn't  charge  for 
my  opinion  about  them,  and  they  didn't  charge  for 
their  opinion  about  me :  the  account  was  square,  the 
books  balanced,  everybody  was  satisfied. 


CHAPTER  IX 
THE   TOURNAMENT 

THEY  were  always  having  grand  tournaments  there 
at  Camelot ;  and  very  stirring  and  picturesque  and 
ridiculous  human  bull-fights  they  were,  too,  but  just  a 
little  wearisome  to  the  practical  mind.  However,  I 
was  generally  on  hand — for  two  reasons :  a  man  must 
not  hold  himself  aloof  from  the  things  which  his  friends 
and  his  community  have  at  heart  if  he  would  be  liked 
— especially  as  a  statesman ;  and  both  as  business  man 
and  statesman  I  wanted  to  study  the  tournament  and 
see  if  I  couldn't  invent  an  improvement  on  it.  That 
reminds  me  to  remark,  in  passing,  that  the  very  first 
official  thing  I  did,  in  my  administration — and  it  was 
on  the  very  first  day  of  it,  too  —  was  to  start  a  patent 
office ;  for  I  knew  that  a  country  without  a  patent  of 
fice  and  good  patent  laws  was  just  a  crab,  and  couldn't 
travel  any  way  but  sideways  or  backwards. 

Things  ran  along,  a  tournament  nearly  every  week ; 
and  now  and  then  the  boys  used  to  want  me  to  take  a 
hand — I  mean  Sir  Launcelot  and  the  rest — but  I  said 
I  would  by-and-by ;  no  hurry  yet,  and  too  much  gov 
ernment  machinery  to  oil  up  and  set  to  rights  and 
start  a-going. 

We  had  one  tournament  which  was  continued  from 
day  to  day  during  more  than  a  week,  and  as  many  as 


five  hundred  knights  took  part  in  it,  from  first  to  last. 
They  were  weeks  gathering.  They  came  on  horse 
back  from  everywhere  ;  from  the  very  ends  of  the 
country,  and  even  from  beyond  the  sea ;  and  many 
brought  ladies  and  all  brought  squires,  and  troops  of 
servants.  It  was  a  most  gaudy  and  gorgeous  crowd, 
as  to  costumery,  and  very  characteristic  of  the  coun 
try  and  the  time,  in  the  way  of  high  animal  spirits,  in 
nocent  indecencies  of  language,  and  happy-hearted  in 
difference  to  morals.  It  was  fight  or  look  on,  all  day 
and  every  day ;  and  sing,  gamble,  dance,  carouse  half 
the  night  every  night.  They  had  a  most  noble  good 
time.  You  never  saw  such  people.  Those  banks  of 
beautiful  ladies,  shining  in  their  barbaric  splendors, 
would  see  a  knight  sprawl  from  his  horse  in  the  lists 
with  a  lance-shaft  the  thickness  of  your  ankle  clean 
through  him  and  the  blood  spouting,  and  instead  of 
fainting  they  would  clap  their  hands  and  crowd  each 
other  for  a  better  view ;  only  sometimes  one  would 
dive  into  her  handkerchief,  and  look  ostentatiously 
broken-hearted,  and  then  you  could  lay  two  to  one 
that  there  was  a  scandal  there  somewhere  and  she  was 
afraid  the  public  hadn't  found  it  out. 

The  noise  at  night  would  have  been  annoying  to  me 
ordinarily,  but  I  didn't  mind  it  in  the  present  circum 
stances,  because  it  kept  me  from  hearing  the  quacks 
detaching  legs  and  arms  from  the  day's  cripples.  They 
ruined  an  uncommon  good  old  cross-cut  saw  for  me, 
and  broke  the  saw-buck,  too,  but  I  let  it  pass.  And  as 
for  my  axe — well,  I  made  up  my  mind  that  the  next  time 
I  lent  an  axe  to  a  surgeon  I  would  pick  my  century. 

I  not  only  watched  this  tournament  from  day  to 
day,  but  detailed  an  intelligent  priest  from  my  De- 

SCY 


66 


partment  of  Public  Morals  and  Agriculture,  and  or 
dered  him  to  report  it  ;  for  it  was  my  purpose  by-and- 
by,  when  I  should  have  gotten  the  people  along  far 
enough,  to  start  a  newspaper.  The  first  thing  you 
want  in  a  new  country,  is  a  patent  office ;  then  work 
up  your  school  system  ;  and  after  that,  out  with  your 
paper.  A  newspaper  has  its  faults,  and  plenty  of 
them,  but  no  matter,  it's  hark  from  the  tomb  for  a 
dead  nation,  and  don't  you  forget  it.  You  can't  res 
urrect  a  dead  nation  without  it ;  there  isn't  any  way. 
So  I  wanted  to  sample  things,  and  be  finding  v  out 
what  sort  of  reporter-material  I  might  be  able  to  rake 
together  out  of  the  sixth  century  when  I  should  come 
to  need  it. 

Well,  the  priest  did  very  well,  considering.  He  got 
in  all  the  details,  and  that  is  a  good  thing  in  a  local 
item :  you  see  he  had  kept  books  for  the  undertaker- 
department  of  his  church  when  he  was  younger,  and 
there,  you  know,  the  money's  in  the  details;  the  more  de 
tails,  the  more  swag :  bearers,  mutes,  candles,  prayers, 
-—everything  counts;  and  if  the  bereaved  don't  buy 
prayers  enough  you  mark  up  your  candles  with  a 
forked  pencil,  and  your  bill  shows  up  all  right.  And 
he  had  a  good  knack  at  getting  in  the  complimentary 
thing  here  and  there  about  a  knight  that  was  likely  to 
advertise — no,  I  mean  a  knight  that  had  influence  ; 
and  he  also  had  a  neat  gift  of  exaggeration,  for  in  his 
time  he  had  kept  door  for  a  pious  hermit  who  lived  in 
a  sty  and  worked  miracles. 

Of  course  this  novice's  report  lacked  whoop  and  crash 
and  lurid  description,  and  therefore  wanted  the  true 
ring;  but  its  antique  wording  was  quaint  and  sweet 
and  simple,  and  full  of  the  fragrances  and  flavors  of  the 


time,  and  these  little  merits  made  up  in  a  measure  for 
its  more  important  lacks.     Here  is  an  extract  from  it : 

Then  Sir  Brian  de  les  Isles  and  Grummore  Grummorsum, 
knights  of  the  castle,  encountered  with  Sir  Aglovale  and  Sir 
Tor,  and  Sir  Tor  smote  down  Sir  Grummore  Grummorsum  to 
the  earth.  Then  came  in  Sir  Carados  of  the  dolorous  tower, 
and  Sir  Turquine,  knights  of  the  castle,  and  there  encountered 
with  them  Sir  Percivale  de  Galis  and  Sir  Lamorak  de  Galis, 
that  were  two  brethren,  and  there  encountered  Sir  Percivale 
with  Sir  Carados,  and  either  brake  their  spears  unto  their 
hands,  and  then  Sir  Turquine  with  Sir  Lamorak,  and  either  of 
them  smote  down  other,  horse  and  all,  to  the  earth,  and  either 
parties  rescued  other  and  horsed  them  again.  And  Sir  Arnold, 
and  Sir  Gauter,  knights  of  the  castle,  encountered  with  Sir 
Brandiles  and  Sir  Kay,  and  these  four  knights  encountered 
mightily,  and  brake  their  spears  to  their  hands.  Then  came 
Sir  Pertolope  from  the  castle,  and  there  encountered  with  him 
Sir  Lionel,  and  there  Sir  Pertolope  the  green  knight  smote 
down  Sir  Lionel,  brother  to  Sir  Launcelot.  All  this  was 
marked  by  noble  heralds,  who  bare  him  best,  and  their  names. 
Then  Sir  Bleobaris  brake  his  spear  upon  Sir  Gareth,  but  of 
that  stroke  Sir  Bleobaris  fell  to  the  earth.  When  Sir  Galihodin 
saw  that,  he  bad  Sir  Gareth  keep  him,  and  Sir  Gareth  smote  him 
to  the  earth.  Then  Sir  Galihud  gat  a  spear  to  avenge  his 
brother,  and  in  the  same  wise  Sir  Gareth  served  him,  and  Sir 
Dinadan  and  his  brother  La  Cote  Male  Taile,  and  Sir  Sagra- 
mor  le  Desirous,  and  Sir  Dodinas  le  Savage;  all  these  he  bare 
down  with  one  spear.  When  King  Agwisance  of  Ireland  saw 
Sir  Gareth  fare  so  he  marvelled  what  he  might  be,  that  one 
time  seemed  green,  and  another  time,  at  his  again  coming,  he 
seemed  blue.  And  thus  at  every  course  that  he  rode  to  and 
fro  he  changed  his  color,  so  that  there  might  neither  king 
nor  knight  have  ready  cognizance  of  him.  Then  Sir  Agwis 
ance  the  King  of  Ireland  encountered  with  Sir  Gareth,  and 
there  Sir  Gareth  smote  him  from  his  horse,  saddle  and  all. 
And  then  came  King  Carados  of  Scotland,  and  Sir  Gareth 
smote  him  down  horse  and  man.  And  in  the  same  wise  he 


68 


served  King  Uriens  of  the  land  of  Gore.  And  then  there  came 
in  Sir  Bagdemagus,  and  Sir  Gareth  smote  him  down  horse  and 
man  to  the  earth.  And  Bagdemagus's  son  Meliganus  brake  a 
spear  upon  Sir  Gareth  mightily  and  knightly.  And  then  Sir  Ga- 
lahault  the  noble  prince  cried  on  high,  Knight  with  the  many 
colors,  well  hast  thou  justed  ;  now  make  thee  ready  that  I  may 
just  with  thee.  Sir  Gareth  heard  him,  and  he  gat  a  great  spear, 
and  so  they  encountered  together,  and  there  the  prince  brake 
his  spear;  but  Sir  Gareth  smote  him  upon  the  left  side  of  the 
helm,  that  he  reeled  here  and  there,  and  he  had  fallen  down 
had  not  his  men  recovered  him.  Truly  said  King  Arthur,  that 
knight  with  the  many  colors  is  a  good  knight.  Wherefore  the 
king  called  unto  him  Sir  Launcelot,  and  prayed  him  to  en 
counter  with  that  knight.  Sir,  said  Launcelot,  I  may  as  well 
find  in  my  heart  for  to  forbear  him  at  this  time,  for  he  hath 
had  travail  enough  this  day,  and  when  a  good  knight  doth  so 
well  upon  some  day,  it  is  no  good  knight's  part  to  let  him  of 
his  worship,  and,  namely,  when  he  seeth  a  knight  hath  done  so 
great  labour:  for  peradventure,  said  Sir  Launcelot,  his  quarrel 
is  here  this  day,  and  peradventure  he  is  best  beloved  with  this 
lady  of  all  that  be  here,  for  I  see  well  he  paineth  himself  and 
enforceth  him  to  do  great  deeds,  and  therefore,  said  Sir  Laun 
celot,  as  for  me,  this  day  he  shall  have  the  honour;  though  it 
lay  in  my  power  to  put  him  from  it,  I  would  not. 

There  was  an  unpleasant  little  episode  that  day, 
which  for  reasons  of  state  I  struck  out  of  my  priest's 
report.  You  will  have  noticed  that  Garry  was  doing 
some  great  fighting  in  the  engagement.  When  I  say 
Garry  I  mean  Sir  Gareth.  Garry  was  my  private  pet 
name  for  him  ;  it  suggests  that  I  had  a  deep  affection 
for  him,  and  that  was  the  case.  But  it  was  a  private 
pet  name  only,  and  never  spoken  aloud  to  any  one, 
much  less  to  him  ;  being  a  noble,  he  would  not  have 
endured  a  familiarity  like  that  from  me.  Well,  to 
proceed :  I  sat  in  the  private  box  set  apart  for  me 
as  the  king's  minister.  While  Sir  Dinadan  was  wait- 


69 

ing  for  his  turn  to  enter  the  lists,  he  came  in  there 
and  sat  down  and  began  to  talk ;  for  he  was  always 
making  up  to  me,  because  I  was  a  stranger  and  he 
liked  to  have  a  fresh  market  for  his  jokes,  the  most 
of  them  having  reached  that  stage  of  wear  where  the 
teller  has  to  do  the  laughing  himself  while  the  other 
person  looks  sick.  I  had  always  responded  to  his 
efforts  as  well  as  I  could,  and  felt  a  very  deep  and 
real  kindness  for  him,  too,  for  the  reason  that  if  by 
malice  of  fate  he  knew  the  one  particular  anecdote 
which  I  had  heard  oftenest  and  had  most  hated  and 
most  loathed  all  my  life,  he  had  at  least  spared  it  me. 
It  was  one  which  I  had  heard  attributed  to  every 
humorous  person  who  had  ever  stood  on  American 
soil,  from  Columbus  down  to  Artemus  Ward.  It  was 
about  a  humorous  lecturer  who  flooded  an  ignorant 
audience  with  the  killingest  jokes  for  an  hour  and 
never  got  a  laugh  ;  and  then  when  he  was  leaving, 
some  gray  simpletons  wrung  him  gratefully  by  the 
hand  and  said  it  had  been  the  funniest  thing  they 
had  ever  heard,  and  "  it  was  all  they  could  do  to  keep 
from  laughin'  right  out  in  meetin'."  That  anecdote 
never  saw  the  day  that  it  was  worth  the  telling ;  and 
yet  I  had  sat  under  the  telling  of  it  hundreds  and 
thousands  and  millions  and  billions  of  times,  and  cried 
and  cursed  all  the  way  through.  Then  who  can  hope 
to  know  what  my  feelings  were,  to  hear  this  armor- 
plated  ass  start  in  on  it  again,  in  the  murky  twilight  of 
tradition,  before  the  dawn  of  history,  while  even  Lac- 
tantius  might  be  referred  to  as  "  the  late  Lactantius," 
and  the  Crusades  wouldn't  be  born  for  five  hundred 
years  yet?  Just  as  he  finished,  the  call-boy  came; 
so,  haw-hawing  like  a  demon,  he  went  rattling  and 
6CY 


70 

clanking  out  like  a  crate  of  loose  castings,  and  I  knew 
nothing  more.  It  was  some  minutes  before  I  came 
to,  and  then  I  opened  my  eyes  just  in  time  to  see 
Sir  Gareth  fetch  him  an  awful  welt,  and  I  uncon 
sciously  out  with  the  prayer,  "  I  hope  to  gracious  he's 
killed  !"  But  by  ill-luck,  before  I  had  got  half  through 
with  the  words,  Sir  Gareth  crashed  into  Sir  Sagramor 
le  Desirous  and  sent  him  thundering  over  his  horse's 
crupper,  and  Sir  Sagramor  caught  my  remark  and 
thought  I  meant  it  for  him. 

Well,  whenever  one  of  those  people  got  a  thing 
into  his  head,  there  was  no  getting  it  out  again.  I 
knew  that,  so  I  saved  my  breath,  and  offered  no  ex 
planations.  As  soon  as  Sir  Sagramor  got  well,  he 
notified  me  that  there  was  a  little  account  to  settle 
between  us,  and  he  named  a  day  three  or  four  years 
in  the  future ;  place  of  settlement,  the  lists  where  the 
offence  had  been  given.  I  said  I  would  be  ready 
when  he  got  back.  You  see,  he  was  going  for  the 
Holy  Grail.  The  boys  all  took  a  flier  at  the  Holy 
Grail  now  and  then.  It  was  a  several  years'  cruise. 
They  always  put  in  the  long  absence  snooping  around, 
in  the  most  conscientious  way,  though  none  of  them 
had  any  idea  where  the  Holy  Grail  really  was,  and  I 
don't  think  any  of  them  actually  expected  to  find  it, 
or  would  have  known  what  to  do  with  it  if  he  had 
run  across  it.  You  see,  it  was  just  the  Northwest 
Passage  of  that  day,  as  you  may  say ;  that  was  all. 
Every  year  expeditions  went  out  holy  grailing,  and 
next  year  relief  expeditions  went  out  to  hunt  for 
them.  There  was  worlds  of  reputation  in  it,  but  no 
money.  Why,  they  actually  wanted  me  to  put  in ! 
Well,  I  should  smile. 


CHAPTER  X 
BEGINNINGS    OF     CIVILIZATION 

THE  Round  Table  soon  heard  of  the  challenge,  and 
of  course  it  was  a  good  deal  discussed,  for  such  things 
interested  the  boys.  The  king  thought  I  ought  now 
to  set  forth  in  quest  of  adventures,  so  that  I  might 
gain  renown  and  be  the  more  worthy  to  meet  Sir  Sa- 
gramor  when  the  several  years  should  have  rolled 
away.  I  excused  myself  for  the  present ;  I  said  it 
would  take  me  three  or  four  years  yet  to  get  things 
well  fixed  up  and  going  smoothly ;  then  I  should  be 
ready ;  all  the  chances  were  that  at  the  end  of  that 
time  Sir  Sagramor  would  still  be  out  grailing,  so  no 
valuable  time  would  be  lost  by  the  postponement ;  I 
should  then  have  been  in  office  six  or  seven  years, 
and  I  believed  my  system  and  machinery  would  be 
so  well  developed  that  I  could  take  a  holiday  without 
its  working  any  harm. 

I  was  pretty  well  satisfied  with  what  I  had  already 
accomplished.  In  various  quiet  nooks  and  corners  I 
had  the  beginnings  of  all  sorts  of  industries  under 
way  —  nuclei  of  future  vast  factories,  the  iron  and 
steel  missionaries  of  my  future  civilization.  In  these 
were  gathered  together  the  brightest  young  minds  I 
could  find,  and  I  kept  agents  out  raking  the  country 
for  more,  all  the  time.  I  was  training  a  crowd  of 


72 

ignorant  folk  into  experts — experts  in  every  sort  of 
handiwork  and  scientific  calling.  These  nurseries  of 
mine  went  smoothly  and  privately  along  undisturbed 
in  their  obscure  country  retreats,  for  nobody  was  al 
lowed  to  come  into  their  precincts  without  a  special 
permit — for  I  was  afraid  of  the  Church. 

I  had  started  a  teacher-factory  and  a  lot  of  Sunday- 
schools  the  first  thing ;  as  a  result,  I  now  had  an 
admirable  system  of  graded  schools  in  full  blast  in 
those  places,  and  also  a  complete  variety  of  Protestant 
congregations  all  in  a  prosperous  and  growing  condi 
tion.  Everybody  could  be  any  kind  of  a  Christian 
he  wanted  to  ;  there  was  perfect  freedom  in  that  mat 
ter.  But  I  confined  public  religious  teaching  to  the 
churches  and  the  Sunday-schools,  permitting  nothing 
of  it  in  my  other  educational  buildings.  I  could  have 
given  my  own  sect  the  preference  and  made  every 
body  a  Presbyterian  without  any  trouble,  but  that 
would  have  been  to  affront  a  law  of  human  nature : 
spiritual  wants  and  instincts  are  as  various  in  the 
human  family  as  are  physical  appetites,  complexions, 
and  features,  and  a  man  is  only  at  his  best,  morally, 
when  he  is  equipped  with  the  religious  garment  whose 
color  and  shape  and  size  most  nicely  accommodate 
themselves  to  the  spiritual  complexion,  angularities, 
and  stature  of  the  individual  who  wears  it ;  and  be 
sides  I  was  afraid  of  a  united  Church ;  it  makes  a 
mighty  power,  the  mightiest  conceivable,  and  then 
when  it  by-and-by  gets  into  selfish  hands,  as  it  is  al 
ways  bound  to  do,  it  means  death  to  human  liberty, 
and  paralysis  to  human  thought. 

All  mines  were  royal  property,  and  there  were  a 
good  many  of  them.  They  had  formerly  been  worked 


73 

as  savages  always  work  mines — holes  grubbed  in  the 
earth  and  the  mineral  brought  up  in  sacks  of  hide  by 
hand,  at  the  rate  of  a  ton  a  day  ;  but  I  had  begun  to 
put  the  mining  on  a  scientific  basis  as  early  as  I 
could. 

Yes,  I  had  made  pretty  handsome  progress  when 
Sir  Sagramor's  challenge  struck  me. 

Four  years  rolled  by — and  then  !  Well,  you  would 
never  imagine  it  in  the  world.  Unlimited  power  is. 
the  ideal  thing  when  it  is  in  safe  hands.  The  des 
potism  of  heaven  is  the  one  absolutely  perfect  gov 
ernment.  An  earthly  despotism  would  be  the  abso 
lutely  perfect  earthly  government,  if  the  conditions 
were  the  same,  namely,  the  despot  the  perfectest  in 
dividual  of  the  human  race,  and  his  lease  of  life  per 
petual.  But  as  a  perishable  perfect  man  must  die, 
and  leave  his  despotism  in  the  hands  of  an  imperfect 
successor,  an  earthly  despotism  is  not  merely  a  bad 
form  of  government,  it  is  the  worst  form  that  is 
possible. 

My  works  showed  what  a  despot  could  do  with  the 
resources  of  a  kingdom  at  his  command.  Unsus 
pected  by  this  dark  land,  I  had  the  civilization  of  the 
nineteenth  century  booming  under  its  very  nose !  It 
was  fenced  away  from  the  public  view,  but  there  it 
was,  a  gigantic  and  unassailable  fact  —  and  to  be 
heard  from,  yet,  if  I  lived  and  had  luck.  There  it 
was,  as  sure  a  fact,  and  as  substantial  a  fact  as  any 
serene  volcano,  standing  innocent  with  its  smokeless 
summit  in  the  blue  sky  and  giving  no  sign  of  the 
rising  hell  in  its  bowels.  My  schools  and  churches 
were  children  four  years  before  ;  they  were  grown-up, 
now ;  my  shops  of  that  day  were  vast  factories,  now ; 


74 

where  I  had  a  dozen  trained  men  then,  I  had  a  thou 
sand,  now ;  where  I  had  one  brilliant  expert  then,  I 
had  fifty  now.  I  stood  with  my  hand  on  the  cock,  so 
to  speak,  ready  to  turn  it  on  and  flood  the  midnight 
world  with  light  at  any  moment.  But  I  was  not  go 
ing  to  do  the  thing  in  that  sudden  way.  It  was  not 
my  policy.  The  people  could  not  have  stood  it ;  and 
moreover  I  should  have  had  the  Established  Roman 
Catholic  Church  on  my  back  in  a  minute. 

No,  I  had  been  going  cautiously  all  the  while.  I 
had  had  confidential  agents  trickling  through  the 
country  some  time,  whose  office  was  to  undermine 
knighthood  by  imperceptible  degrees,  and  to  gnaw  a 
little  at  this  and  that  and  the  other  superstition,  and 
so  prepare  the  way  gradually  for  a  better  order  of 
things.  I  was  turning  on  my  light  one-candle-power 
at  a  time,  and  meant  to  continue  to  do  so. 

I  had  scattered  some  branch  schools  secretly  about 
the  kingdom,  and  they  were  doing  very  well.  I  meant 
to  work  this  racket  more  and  more,  as  time  wore  on, 
if  nothing  occurred  to  frighten  me.  One  of  my 
deepest  secrets  was  my  West  Point  —  my  military 
academy.  I  kept  that  most  jealously  out  of  sight ; 
and  I  did  the  same  with  my  naval  academy  which  I 
had  established  at  a  remote  seaport.  Both  were 
prospering  to  my  satisfaction. 

Clarence  was  twenty  -  two  now,  and  was  my  head 

executive,  my  right  hand.     He  was  a  darling;  he  was 

equal  to  anything ;  there  wasn't  anything  he  couldn't 

.*  turn  his  hand  to.     Of  late  I  had  been  training  him 

j  for  journalism,  for  the  time  seemed  about  right  for  a 

^ start  in  the  newspaper  line;  nothing  big,  but  just  a 

'small  weekly  for  experimental  circulation  in  my  civili- 


75 

zation-nurseries.      He  took  to  it  like  a  duck ;   there  \ 
was  an  editor  concealed   in    him,  sure.      Already  he 
had   doubled   himself    in   one  way  ;   he   talked   sixth 
century  and  wrote  nineteenth.     His  journalistic  style  i 
was  climbing,  steadily ;  it  was  already  up  to  the  back  * 
settlement    Alabama    mark,   and    couldn't    be    told 
from  the  editorial   output   of  that    region    either   by 
matter  or  flavor. 

We  had  another  large  departure  on  hand,  too. 
This  was  a  telegraph  and  a  telephone  ;  our  first  vent 
ure  in  this  line.  These  wires  were  for  private  service 
only,  as  yet,  and  must  be  kept  private  until  a  riper 
day  should  come.  We  had  a  gang  of  men  on  the 
road,  working  mainly  by  night.  They  were  stringing 
ground  wires ;  we  were  afraid  to  put  up  poles,  for 
they  would  attract  too  much  inquiry.  Ground  wires 
were  good  enough,  in  both  instances,  for  my  wires 
were  protected  by  an  insulation  of  my  own  invention 
which  was  perfect.  My  men  had  orders  to  strike 
across  country,  avoiding  roads,  and  establishing  con 
nection  with  any  considerable  towns  whose  lights 
betrayed  their  presence,  and  leaving  experts  in  charge. 
Nobody  could  tell  you  how  to  find  any  place  in  the 
kingdom,  for  nobody  ever  went  intentionally  to  any 
place,  but  only  struck  it  by  accident  in  his  wander 
ings,  and  then  generally  left  it  without  thinking  to  in 
quire  what  its  name  was.  At  one  time  and  another 
we  had  sent  out  topographical  expeditions  to  survey 
and  map  the  kingdom,  but  the  priests  had  always  in 
terfered  and  raised  trouble.  So  we  had  given  the 
thing  up,  for  the  present ;  it  would  be  poor  wisdom 
to  antagonize  the  Church. 

As  for  the  general  condition  of  the  country,  it  was 


76 

as  it  had  been  when  I  arrived  in  it,  to  all  intents  and 
purposes.  I  had  made  changes,  but  they  were  neces 
sarily  slight,  and  they  were  not  noticeable.  Thus  far, 
I  had  not  even  meddled  with  taxation,  outside  of  the 
taxes  which  provided  the  royal  revenues.  I  had  sys 
tematized  those,  and  put  the  service  on  an  effec 
tive  and  righteous  basis.  As  a  result,  these  revenues 
were  already  quadrupled,  and  yet  the  burden  was  so 
m,uch  more  equably  distributed  than  before,  that  all 
the  kingdom  felt  a  sense  of  relief,  and  the  praises  of 
my  administration  were  hearty  and  general. 

Personally,  I  struck  an  interruption,  now,  but  I  did 
not  mind  it,  it  could  not  have  happened  at  a  better  time. 
Earlier  it  could  have  annoyed  me,  but  now  every 
thing  was  in  good  hands  and  swimming  right  along. 
The  king  had  reminded  me  several  times,  of  late,  that 
the  postponement  I  had  asked  for,  four  years  before, 
had  about  run  out,  now.  It  was  a  hint  that  I  ought 
to  be  starting  out  to  seek  adventures  and  get  up  a 
reputation  of  a  size  to  make  me  worthy  of  the  honor 
of  breaking  a  lance  with  Sir  Sagramor,  who  was  still 
out  grailing,  but  was  being  hunted  for  by  various 
relief  expeditions,  and  might  be  found  any  year,  now. 
So  you  see  I  was  expecting  this  interruption  ;  it  did 
not  take  me  by  surprise. 


CHAPTER  XI 
THE    YANKEE   IN    SEARCH    OF   ADVENTURES 

•THERE  never  was  such  a  country  for  wandering 
liars ;  and  they  were  of  both  sexes.  •  Hardly  a  month 
went  by  without  one  of  these  tramps  arriving ;  and 
generally  loaded  with  a  tale  about  some  princess  or 
other  wanting  help  to  get  her  out  of  some  far-away 
castle  where  she  was  held  in  captivity  by  a  lawless 
scoundrel,  usually  a  giant.  Now  you  would  think 
that  the  first  thing  the  king  would  do  after  listening 
to  such  a  novelette  from  an  entire  stranger,  would  be 
to  ask  for  credentials — yes,  and  a  pointer  or  two  as  to 
locality  of  castle,  best  route  to  it,  and  so  on.  But  no 
body  ever  thought  of  so  simple  and  common-sense  a 
thing  as  that.  No,  everybody  swallowed  these  peo 
ple's  lies  whole,  and  never  asked  a  question  of  any 
sort  or  about  anything.  Well,  one  day  when  I  was 
not  around,  one  of  these  people  came  along — it  was  a 
she  one,  this  time — and  told  a  tale  of  the  usual  pat 
tern.  Her  mistress  was  a  captive  in  a  vast  and 
gloomy  castle,  along  with  forty-four  other  young  and 
beautiful  girls,  pretty  much  all  of  them  princesses ; 
they  had  been  languishing  in  that  cruel  captivity  for 
twenty-six  years  ;  the  masters  of  the  castle  were  three 
stupendous  brothers,  each  with  four  arms  and  one  eye 
— the  eye  in  the  centre  of  the  forehead,  and  as  big  as 


78 

a  fruit.  Sort  of  fruit  not  mentioned ;  their  usual 
slovenliness  in  statistics. 

Would  you  believe  it?  The  king  and  the  whole 
Round  Table  were  in  raptures  over  this  preposterous 
opportunity  for  adventure.  Every  knight  of  the  Table 
jumped  for  the  chance,  and  begged  for  it ;  but  to 
their  vexation  and  chagrin  the  king  conferred  it  upon 
me,  who  had  not  asked  for  it  at  all. 

By  an  effort,  I  contained  my  joy  when  Clarence 
brought  me  the  news.  But  he — he  could  not  contain 
his.  His  mouth  gushed  delight  and  gratitude  in  a 
steady  discharge — delight  in  my  good  fortune,  grati 
tude  to  the  king  for  this  splendid  mark  of  his  favor 
for  me.  He  could  keep  neither  his  legs  nor  his  body 
still,  but  pirouetted  about  the  place  in  an  airy  ecstasy 
of  happiness. 

On  my  side,  I  could  have  cursed  the  kindness  that 
conferred  upon  me  this  benefaction,  but  I  kept  my 
vexation  under  the  surface  for  policy's  sake,  and  did 
what  I  could  to  let  on  to  be  glad.  Indeed,  I  said  I 
was  glad.  And  in  a  way  it  was  true ;  I  was  as  glad 
as  a  person  is  when  he  is  scalped. 

Well,  one  must  make  the  best  of  things,  and  not 
waste  time  with  useless  fretting,  but  get  down  to 
business  and  see  what  can  be  done.  In  all  lies  there 
is  wheat  among  the  chaff ;  I  must  get  at  the  wheat  in 
this  case :  so  I  sent  for  the  girl  and  she  came.  She 
was  a  comely  enough  creature,  and  soft  and  modest, 
but  if  signs  went  for  anything,  she  didn't  know  as 
much  as  a  lady's  watch.  I  said — 

"  My  dear,  have  you  been  questioned  as  to  partic 
ulars?" 

She  said  she  hadn't. 


79 

"  Well,  I  didn't  expect  you  had,  but  I  thought  I 
would  ask  to  make  sure  ;  it's  the  way  I've  been  raised. 
Now  you  mustn't  take  it  unkindly  if  I  remind  you 
that  as  we  don't  know  you,  we  must  go  a  little  slow. 
You  may  be  all  right,  of  course,  and  we'll  hope  that 
you  are ;  but  to  take  it  for  granted  isn't  business. 
You  understand  that.  I'm  obliged  to  ask  you  a  few 
questions;  just  answer  up  fair  and  square,  and  don't 
be  afraid.  Where  do  you  live,  when  you  are  at  home  ?" 

"  In  the  land  of  Moder,  fair  sir." 

"  Land  of  Moder.  I  don't  remember  hearing  of  it 
before.  Parents  living?" 

"  As  to  that,  I  know  not  if  they  be  yet  on  live,  sith 
it  is  many  years  that  I  have  lain  shut  up  in  the 
castle." 

"  Your  name,  please  ?" 

"  I  hight  the  Demoiselle  Alisande  la  Carteloise,  an 
it  please  you." 

"  Do  you  know  anybody  here  who  can  identify 
you  ?" 

11  That  were  not  likely,  fair  lord,  I  being  come  hither 
now  for  the  first  time." 

"  Have  you  brought  any  letters — any  documents — 
any  proofs  that  you  are  trustworthy  and  truthful?" 

"  Of  a  surety,  no  ;  and  wherefore  should  I  ?  Have 
I  not  a  tongue,  and  cannot  I  say  all  that  myself?" 

"  "But  your  saying  it,  you  know,  and  somebody  else's 
saying  it,  is  different." 

"Different?  How  might  that  be?  I  fear  me  I  do 
not  understand." 

"  Don't  understand?  Land  of — why,  you  see — you 
see — why,  great  Scott,  can't  you  understand  a  little 
thing  like  that?  Can't  you  understand  the  difference 


8o 


between  your — why  do  you  look  so  innocent  and  idi 
otic  !" 

"  I  ?  In  truth  I  know  not,  but  an  it  were  the  will 
of  God." 

"Yes,  yes,  I  reckon  that's  about  the  size  of  it. 
Don't  mind  my  seeming  excited;  I'm  not.  Let  us 
change  the  subject.  Now  as  to  this  castle,  with  forty- 
five  princesses  in  it,  and  three  ogres  at  the  head  of  it, 
tell  me — where  is  this  harem  ?" 

"  Harem  ?" 

"  The  castle,  you  understand  ;  where  is  the  castle  ?" 

"  Oh,  as  to  that,  it  is  great,  and  strong,  and  well 
beseen,  and  lieth  in  a  far  country.  Yes,  it  is  many 
leagues." 

"  How  many  ?" 

"  Ah,  fair  sir,  it  were  woundily  hard  to  tell,  they  are 
so  many,  and  do  so  lap  the  one  upon  the  other,  and 
being  made  all  in  the  same  image  and  tincted  with 
the  same  color,  one  may  not  know  the  one  league 
from  its  fellow,  nor  how  to  count  them  except  they 
be  taken  apart,  and  ye  wit  well  it  were  God's  work  to 
do  that,  being  not  within  man's  capacity  ;  for  ye  will 
note—" 

"  Hold  on,  hold  on,  never  mind  about  the  distance; 
whereabouts  does  the  castle  lie  ?  What's  the  direction 
from  here?" 

"  Ah,  please  you  sir,  it  hath  no  direction  from  here ; 
by  reason  that  the  road  lieth  not  straight,  but  turneth 
evermore ;  wherefore  the  direction  of  its  place  abideth 
not,  but  is  sometime  under  the  one  sky  and  anon  un 
der  another,  whereso  if  ye  be  minded  that  it  is  in  the 
east,  and  wend  thitherward,  ye  shall  observe  that  the 
way  of  the  road  doth  yet  again  turn  upon  itself  by  the 


GREAT    SCOTT  !     CAN'T    YOU    UNDERSTAND    A    LITTLE   THING   LIKE 
THAT?'  " 


Si 


space  of  half  a  circle,  and  this  marvel  happing  again 
and  yet  again  and  still  again,  it  will  grieve  you  that 
you  had  thought  by  vanities  of  the  mind  to  thwart 
and  bring  to  naught  the  will  of  Him  that  giveth  not  a 
castle  a  direction  from  a  place  except  it  pleaseth  Him, 
and  if  it  please  Him  not,  will  the  rather  that  even 
all  castles  and  all  directions  thereunto  vanish  out  of 
the  earth,  leaving  the  places  wherein  they  tarried  des 
olate  and  vacant,  so  warning  His  creatures  that  where 
He  will  He  will,  and  where  He  will  not  He — 

"  Oh,  that's  all  right,  that's  all  right,  give  us  a  rest ; 
never  mind  about  the  direction,  hang  the  direction — 
I  beg  pardon,  I  beg  a  thousand  pardons,  I  am  not  well 
to-day  ;  pay  no  attention  when  I  soliloquize,  it  is  an 
old  habit,  an  old,  bad  habit,  and  hard  to  get  rid  of 
when  one's  digestion  is  all  disordered  with  eating  food 
that  was  raised  forever  and  ever  before  he  was  born  ; 
good  land  !  a  man  can't  keep  his  functions  regular 
on  spring  chickens  thirteen  hundred  years  old.  But 
come  —  never  mind  about  that;  let's  —  have  you  got 
such  a  thing  as  a  map  of  that  region  about  you  ? 
Now  a  good  map — " 

"  Is  it  peradventure  that  manner  of  thing  which  of 
late  the  unbelievers  have  brought  from  over  the  great 
seas,  which,  being  boiled  in  oil,  and  an  onion  and  salt 
added  thereto,  doth— 

"  What,  a  map  ?  What  are  you  talking  about  ? 
Don't  you  know  what  a  map  is  ?  There,  there,  never 
mind,  don't  explain,  I  hate  explanations  ;  they  fog  a 
thing  up  so  that  you  can't  tell  anything  about  it. 
Run  along,  dear;  good -day;  show  her  the  way,  Clar 
ence." 

Oh,  well,  it  was  reasonably  plain,  now,  why  these 

6CY 


52 

donkeys  didn't  prospect  these  liars  for  details.  It 
may  be  that  this  girl  had  a  fact  in  her  somewhere, 
but  I  don't  believe  you  could  have  sluiced  it  out  with 
a  hydraulic ;  nor  got  it  with  the  earlier  forms  of  blast 
ing,  even  ;  it  was  a  case  for  dynamite.  Why,  she  was 
a  perfect  ass ;  and  yet  the  king  and  his  knights  had 
listened  to  her  as  if  she  had  been  a  leaf  out  of  the  gos 
pel.  It  kind  of  sizes  up  the  whole  party.  And  think 
of  the  simple  ways  of  this  court :  this  wandering  wench 
hadn't  any  more  trouble  to  get  access  to  the  king  in 
his  palace  than  she  would  have  had  to  get  into  the 
poor-house  in  my  day  and  country.  In  fact  he  was 
glad  to  see  her,  glad  to  hear  her  tale  ;  with  that  ad 
venture  of  hers  to  offer,  she  was  as  welcome  as  a  corpse 
is  to  a  coroner. 

Just  as  I  was  ending-up  these  reflections,  Clarence 
came  back.  I  remarked  upon  the  barren  result  of 
my  efforts  with  the  girl ;  hadn't  got  hold  of  a  single 
point  that  could  help  me  to  find  the  castle.  The 
youth  looked  a  little  surprised,  or  puzzled,  or  some 
thing,  and  intimated  that  he  had  been  wondering  to 
himself  what  I  had  wanted  to  ask  the  girl  all  those 
questions  for. 

"  Why,  great  guns,"  I  said,  "  don't  I  want  to  find 
the  castle  ?  And  how  else  would  I  go  about  it  ?" 

"  La,  sweet  your  worship,  one  may  lightly  answer 
that,  I  ween.  She  will  go  with  thee.  They  always 
do.  She  will  ride  with  thee." 

"  Ride  with  me  ?     Nonsense  !" 

"  But  of  a  truth  she  will.  She  will  ride  with  thee. 
Thou  shalt  see." 

"  What  ?  She  browse  around  the  hills  and  scour  the 
woods  with  me — alone — and  I  as  good  as  engaged  to 


be  married  ?  Why,  it's  scandalous.  Think  how  it 
would  look." 

My,  the  dear  face  that  rose  before  me  !  The  boy 
was  eager  to  know  all  about  this  tender  matter.  I 
swore  him  to  secrecy  and  then  whispered  her  name-  - 
"  Puss  Flanagan."  He  looked  disappointed,  and  said 
he  didn't  remember  the  countess.  How  natural  it  was 
for  the  little  courtier  to  give  her  a  rank.  He  asked  me 
where  she  lived. 

"In  East  Har — '  I  came  to  myself  and  stopped, 
a  little  confused  ;  then  I  said,  "  Never  mind,  now*  I'll 
tell  you  sometime." 

And  might  he  see  her  ?  Would  I  let  him  see  her 
some  day  ? 

It  was  but  a  little  thing  to  promise — thirteen  hun 
dred  years  or  so  —  and  he  so  eager  j  so  I  said  Yes. 
But  I  sighed  ;  I  couldn't  help  it.  And  yet  there  was 
no  sense  in  sighing,  for  she  wasn't  born  yet.  But  that 
is  the  way  we  are  made :  we  don't  reason,  where  we 
feel  ;  we  just  feel. 

My  expedition  was  all  the  talk  that  day  and  that 
night,  and  the  boys  were  very  good  to  me,  and  made 
much  of  me,  and  seemed  to  have  forgotten  their  vexa 
tion  and  disappointment,  and  come  to  be  as  anxious  for 
me  to  hive  those  ogres  and  set  those  ripe  old  virgins 
loose  as  if  it  were  themselves  that  had  the  contract. 
Well,  they  were  good  children — but  just  children,  that 
is  all.  And  they  gave  me  no  end  of  points  about  how  to 
scout  for  giants,  and  how  to  scoop  them  in ;  and  they  told 
me  all  sorts  of  charms  against  enchantments,  and  gave 
me  salves  and  other  rubbish  to  put  on  my  wounds.  But 
it  never  occurred  to  one  of  them  to  reflect  that  if  I 
was  such  a  wonderful  necromancer  as  I  was  pretend- 


84 

ing  to  be,  I  ought  not  to  need  salves  or  instructions, 
or  charms  against  enchantments,  and  least  of  all,  arms 
and  armor,  on  a  foray  of  any  kind — even  against  fire- 
spouting  dragons,  and  devils  hot  from  perdition,  let 
alone  such  poor  adversaries  as  these  I  was  after,  these 
commonplace  ogres  of  the  back  settlements. 

I  was  to  have  an  early  breakfast,  and  start  at  dawn, 
for  that  was  the  usual  way;  but  I  had  the  demon's 
own  time  with  my  armor,  and  this  delayed  me  a  little. 
It  is  troublesome  to  get  into,  and  there  is  so  much 
detail.  First  you  wrap  a  layer  or  two  of  blanket 
around  your  body,  for  a  sort  of  cushion  and  to  keep 
off  the  cold  iron ;  then  you  put  on  your  sleeves  and 
shirt  of  chain-mail — these  are  made  of  small  steel  links 
woven  together,  and  they  form  a  fabric  so  flexible  that 
if  you  toss  your  shirt  onto  the  floor,  it  slumps  into  a 
pile  like  a  peck  of  wet  fish-net ;  it  is  very  heavy  and 
is  nearly  the  uncomfortablest  material  in  the  world  for 
a  night-shirt,  yet  plenty  used  it  for  that — tax  collec 
tors,  and  reformers,  and  one-horse  kings  with  a  de 
fective  title,  and  those  sorts  of  people ;  then  you  put 
on  your  shoes — flat-boats  roofed  over  with  interleav 
ing  bands  of  steel — and  screw  your  clumsy  spurs  into 
the  heels.  Next  you  buckle  your  greaves  on  your 
legs,  and  your  cuisses  on  your  thighs ;  then  come 
your  backplate  and  your  breastplate,  and  you  begin 
to  feel  crowded ;  then  you  hitch  onto  the  breastplate 
the  half-petticoat  of  broad  overlapping  bands  of  steel 
which  hangs  down  in  front  but  is  scolloped  out  be 
hind  so  you  can  sit  down,  and  isn't  any  real  improve 
ment  on  an  inverted  coal  scuttle,  either  for  looks  or 
for  wear,  or  to  wipe  your  hands  on  ;  next  you  belt 
on  your  sword ;  then  you  put  your  stove-pipe  joints 


8$ 

onto  your  arms,  your  iron  gauntlets  onto  your  hands, 
your  iron  rat-trap  onto  your  head,  with  a  rag  of  steel 
web  hitched  onto  it  to  hang  over  the  back  of  your 
neck — and  there  you  are,  snug  as  a  candle  in  a  candle- 
mould.  This  is  no  time  to  dance.  Well,  a  man  that 
is  packed  away  like  that,  is  a  nut  that  isn't  worth  the 
cracking,  there  is  so  little  of  the  meat,  when  you  get 
down  to  it,  by  comparison  with  the  shell. 

The  boys  helped  me,  or  I  never  could  have  got  in. 
Just  as  we  finished,  Sir  Bedivere  happened  in,  and  I 
saw  that  as  like  as  not  I  hadn't  chosen  the  most  con 
venient  outfit  for  a  long  trip.  How  stately  he  looked  ; 
and  tall  and  broad  and  grand.  He  had  on  his  head  a 
conical  steel  casque  that  only  came  down  to  his  ears, 
and  for  visor  had  only  a  narrow  steel  bar  that  ex 
tended  down  to  his  upper  lip  and  protected  his  nose ; 
and  all  the  rest  of  him,  from  neck  to  heel,  was  flexible 
chain-mail,  trousers  and  all.  But  pretty  much  all  of 
him  was  hidden  under  his  outside  garment,  which  of 
course  was  of  chain-mail,  as  I  said,  and  hung  straight 
from  his  shoulders  to  his  ankles ;  and  from  his  middle 
to  the  bottom,  both  before  and  behind,  was  divided, 
so  that  he  could  ride  and  let  the  skirts  hang  down  on 
each  side.  He  was  going  grailing,  and  it  was  just  the 
outfit  for  it,  too.  I  would  have  given  a  good  deal  for 
that  ulster,  but  it  was  too  late  now  to  be  fooling 
around.  The  sun  was  just  up,  the  king  and  the  court 
were  all  on  hand  to  see  me  off  and  wish  me  luck ;  so 
it  wouldn't  be  etiquette  for  me  to  tarry.  You  don't 
get  on  your  horse  yourself ;  no,  if  you  tried  it  you 
would  get  disappointed.  They  carry  you  out,  just  as 
they  carry  a  sun-struck  man  to  the  drug  store,  and  put 
you  on,  and  help  get  you  to  rights,  and  fix  your  feet 


86 


in  the  stirrups ;  and  all  the  while  you  do  feel  so 
strange  and  stuffy  and  like  somebody  else — like  some 
body  that  has  been  married  on  a  sudden,  or  struck  by 
lightning,  or  something  like  that,  and  hasn't  quite 
fetched  around,  yet,  and  is  sort  of  numb,  and  can't 
just  get  his  bearings.  Then  they  stood  up  the  mast 
they  called  a  spear,  in  its  socket  by  my  left  foot,  and 
I  gripped  it  with  my  hand  ;  lastly  they  hung  my  shield 
around  my  neck,  and  I  was  all  complete  and  ready  to 
up  anchor  and  get  to  sea.  Everybody  was  as  good  to 
me  as  they  could  be,  and  a  maid  of  honor  gave  me 
the  stirrup-cup  her  own  self.  There  was  nothing 
more  to  do,  now,  but  for  that  damsel  to  get  up  be 
hind  me  on  a  pillion,  which  she  did,  and  put  an  arm 
or  so  around  me  to  hold  on. 

And  so  we  started  ;  and  everybody  gave  us  a  good 
bye  and  waved  their  handkerchiefs  or  helmets.  And 
everybody  we  met,  going  down  the  hill  and  through 
the  village  was  respectful  to  us,  except  some  shabby 
little  boys  on  the  outskirts.  They  said — 

"  Oh,  what  a  guy  !"    And  hove  clods  at  us. 

In  my  experience  boys  are  the  same  in  all  ages. 
They  don't  respect  anything,  they  don't  care  for  any 
thing  or  anybody.  They  say  "  Go  up,  baldhead  "  to 
the  prophet  going  his  unoffending  way  in  the  gray  of 
antiquity ;  they  sass  me  in  the  holy  gloom  of  the  Mid 
dle  Ages;  and  I  had  seen  them  act  the  same  way  in 
Buchanan's  administration ;  I  remember,  because  I 
was  there  and  helped.  The  prophet  had  his  bears  and 
settled  with  his  boys  ;  and  I  wanted  to  get  down  and 
settle  with  mine,  but  it  wouldn't  answer,  because  I 
couldn't  have  got  up  again.  I  hate  a  country  without 
a  derrick. 


CHAPTER  XII 
SLOW     TORTURE 

STRAIGHT  off,  we  were  in  the  country.  It  was  most 
lovely  and  pleasant  in  those  sylvan  solitudes  in  the 
early  cool  morning  in  the  first  freshness  of  autumn. 
From  hill-tops  we  saw  fair  green  valleys  lying  spread 
out  below,  with  streams  winding  through  them,  and 
island-groves  of  trees  here  and  there,  and  huge,  lonely 
oaks  scattered  about  and  casting  black  blots  of  shade; 
and  beyond  the  valleys  we  saw  the  ranges  of  hills, 
blue  with  haze,  stretching  a\vay  in  billowy  perspective 
to  the  hbrizon,  with  at  wide  intervals  a  dim  fleck  of 
white  or  gray  on  a  wave-summit,  which  we  knew  was 
a  castle.  We  crossed  broad  natural  lawns  sparkling 
with  dew,  and  we^  moved  like  spirits,  the  cushioned 
turf  giving  out  no  sound  of  foot-fall ;  we  dreamed 
along  through  glades  in  a-mist  of  green  light  that  got 
its  tint  from  the  sun-drenched  roof  of  leaves  over 
head,  and  by  our  feet  the  clearest  and  coldest  of  run 
lets  went  frisking  and  gossiping  over  its  reefs  and 
making  a  sort  of  whispering  music  comfortable  to 
hear ;  and  at  times  we  left  the  world  behind  and 
entered  into  th£  solemn  great  deeps  and  rich  gloom 
of  the  forest,  where  furtive  wild  things  whisked  and 
scurried  by  and  were  gone  before  you  could  even  get 
your  eye  on  the  place  where  the  noise  was  ;  and  where 


88 


only  the  earliest  birds  were  turning  out  and  getting  to 
business  with  a  song  here  and  a  quarrel  yonder  and 
a  mysterious  far-off  hammering  and  drumming  for 
worms  on  a  tree-trunk  away  somewhere  in  the  im 
penetrable  remotenesses  of  the  woods.  And  by-and- 
by  out  we  would  swing  again  into  the  glare. 

About  the  third  or  fourth  or  fifth  time  that  we 
swung  out  into  the  glare — it  was  along  there  some 
where,  a  couple  of  hours  or  so  after  sun-up — it  wasn't 
as  pleasant  as  it  had  been.  It  was  beginning  to  get 
hot.  This  was  quite  noticeable.  We  had  a  very  long 
pull,  after  that,  without  any  shade.  Now  it  is  curious 
how  progressively  little  frets  grow  and  multiply  after 
they  once  get  a  start.  Things  which  I  didn't  mind 
at  all,  at  first,  I  began  to  mind  now — and  more  and 
more,  too,  all  the  time.  The  first  ten  or  fifteen  times 
I  wanted  my  handkerchief  I  didn't  seem  to  care ;  I 
got  along,  and  said  never  mind,  it  isn't  any  matter, 
and  dropped  it  out  of  my  mind.  But  now  it  was 
different ;  I  wanted  it  all  the  time ;  it  was  nag,  nag, 
nag,  right  along,  and  no  rest;  I  couldn't  get  it  out  of 
my  mind  ;  and  so  at  last  I  lost  my  temper  and  said 
hang  a  man  that  would  make  a  suit  of  armor  with 
out  any  pockets  in  it.  You  see  I  had  my  handker 
chief  in  my  helmet ;  and  some  other  things ;  but  it 
was  that  kind  of  a  helmet  that  you  can't  take  off 
by  yourself.  That  hadn't  occurred  to  me  when  I  put 
it  there  ;  and  in  fact  I  didn't  know  it.  I  supposed 
it  would  be  particularly  convenient  there.  And  so 
now,  the  thought  of  its  being  there,  so  handy  and 
close  by,  and  yet  not  get-at-able,  made  it  all  the 
worse  and  the  harder  to  bear.  Yes,  the  thing  that 
you  can't  get  is  the  thing  that  you  want,  mainly; 


89 

every  one  has  noticed  that.  Well,  it  took  my  mind 
off  from  everything  else ;  took  it  clear  off,  and  centred 
it  in  my  helmet ;  and  mile  after  mile,  there  it  stayed, 
imagining  the  handkerchief,  picturing  the  handker. 
chief ;  and  it  was  bitter  and  aggravating  to  have  the 
salt  sweat  keep  trickling  down  into  my  eyes,  and  1 
couldn't  get  at  it.  It  seems  like  a  little  thing,  on  pa 
per,  but  it  was  not  a  little  thing  at  all;  it  was  the  most 
real  kind  of  misery.  I  would  not  say  it  if  it  was  not 
so.  I  made  up  my  mind  that  I  would  carry  along  a 
reticule  next  time,  let  it  look  how  it  might,  and  people 
say  what  they  would.  Of  course  these  irons  dudes  of 
the  Round  Table  would  think  it  was  scandalous,  and 
maybe  raise  Sheol  about  it,  but  as  for  me,  give  me 
comfort  first,  and  style  afterwards.  So  we  jogged 
along,  and  now  and  then  we  struck  a  stretch  of  dust, 
and  it  would  tumble  up  in  clouds  and  get  into  my 
nose  and  make  me  sneeze  and  cry ;  and  of  course  I 
said  things  I  oughtn't  to  have  said,  I  don't  deny  that. 
I  am  not  better  than  others.  We  couldn't  seem  to 
meet  anybody  in  this  lonesome  Britain,  not  even  an 
ogre ;  and  in  the  mood  I  was  in  then,  it  was  well  for 
the  ogre ;  that  is,  an  ogre  with  a  handkerchief.  Most 
knights  would  have  thought  of  nothing  but  getting 
his  armor;  but  so  I  got  his  bandanna,  he  could  keep 
his  hardware,  for  all  me. 

Meantime  it  was  getting  hotter  and  hotter  in  there. 
You  see,  the  sun  was  beating  down  and  warming  up 
the  iron  more  and  more  all  the  time.  Well,  when 
you  are  hot,  that  way,  every  little  thing  irritates  you. 
When"*!  trotted,  I  rattled  like  a  crate  of  dishes,  and 
that  annoyed  me;  and  moreover  I  couldn't  seem  to 
stand  that  shield  slatting  and  banging,  now  about  my 


9Q 

breast,  now  around  my  back ;  and  if  I  dropped  into  a 
walk  my  joints  creaked  and  screeched  in  that  weari 
some  way  that  a  wheelbarrow  does,  and  as  we  didn't 
create  any  breeze  at  that  gait,  I  was  like  to  get  fried 
in  that  stove;  and  besides,  the  quieter  you  went  the 
heavier  the  iron  settled  down  on  you  and  the  more 
and  more  tons  you  seemed  to  weigh  every  minute. 
And  you  had  to  be  always  changing  hands,  and  pass 
ing  your  spear  over  to  the  other  foot,  it  got  so  irk 
some  for  one  hand  to  hold  it  long  at  a  time. 

Well,  you  know,  when  you  perspire  that  way,  in 
rivers,  there  comes  a  time  when  you — when  you — 
well,  when  you  itch.  You  are  inside,  your  hands  are 
outside;  so  there  you  are;  nothing  but  iron  between. 
It  is  not  a  light  thing,  let  it  sound  as  it  may.  First 
it  is  one  place;  then  another;  then  some  more;  and 
it  goes  on  spreading  and  spreading,  and  at  last  the 
territory  is  all  occupied,  and  nobody  can  imagine  what 
you  feel  like,  nor  how  unpleasant  it  is.  And  when 
it  had  got  to  the  worst,  and  it  seemed  to  me  that 
I  could  not  stand  anything  more,  a  fly  got  in  through 
the  bars  and  settled  on  my  nose,  and  the  bars  were 
stuck  and  wouldn't  work,  and  I  couldn't  get  the  visor 
up ;  and  I  could  only  shake  my  head,  which  was  bak- 
.ing  hot  by  this  time,  and  the  fly  —  well,  you  know 
how  a  fly  acts  when  he  has  got  a  certainty — he  only 
minded  the  shaking  enough  to  change  from  nose  to 
lip,  and  lip  to  ear,  and  buzz  and  buzz  all  around  in 
there,  and  keep  on  lighting  and  b:,ting,  in  a  way  that 
a  person  already  so  distressed  as  I  was,  simply  could 
not  stand.  So  I  gave  in,  and  got  Alisande  to  unship 
the  helmet  and  relieve  me  of  it.  Then  she  emptied 
the  conveniences  out  of  it  and  fetched  it  full  of 


f&vr    s  '-r*>f  i*-  •-'.•>      -  ?•  r^  - *s    w^* 

,r;4ffe-     ^  ^(ZLy 

^ , ,  ^  '•v^.  .-'^  (  ,  r/ . :  ^ 

-  f  '  C  c  •         '   j       ,    "  .  x 


SHE  CONTINUED   TO   FETCH   AND   POUR   UNTIL   I   WAS   WELL   SOAKED 


91 

water,  and  I  drank  and  then  stood  up  and  she  poured 
the  rest  down  inside  the  armor.  One  cannot  think 
how  refreshing  it  was.  She  continued  to  fetch  and 
pour  until  I  was  well  soaked  and  thoroughly  comfort 
able. 

It  was  good  to  have  a  rest — and  peace.  But  noth 
ing  is  quite  perfect  in  this  life,  at  any  time.  I  had 
made  a  pipe  a  while  back,  and  also  some  pretty  fair 
tobacco  ;  not  the  real  thing,  but  what  some  of  the 
Indians  use:  the  inside  bark  of  the  willow,  dried. 
These  comforts  had  been  in  the  helmet,  and  now  I 
had  them  again,  but  no  matches. 

Gradually,  as  the  time  wore  along,  one  annoying 
fact  was  borne  in  upon  my  understanding — that  we 
were  weather-bound.  An  armed  novice  cannot  mount 
his  horse  without  help  and  plenty  of  it.  Sandy  was 
not  enough  ;  not  enough  for  me,  anyway.  We  had  to 
wait  until  somebody  should  come  along.  Waiting,  in 
silence,  would  have  been  agreeable  enough,  for  I  was 
full  of  matter  for  reflection,  and  wanted  to  give  it  a 
chance  to  work.  I  wanted  to  try  and  think  out  how 
it  was  that  rational  or  even  half-rational  men  could 
ever  have  learned  to  wear  armor,  considering  its  incon 
veniences  ;  and  how  they  had  managed  to  keep  up 
such  a  fashion  for  generations  when  it  was  plain  that 
what  I  had  suffered  to-day  they  had  had  to  suffer  all 
the  days  of  their  lives.  I  wanted  to  think  that  out ; 
and  moreover  I  wanted  to  think  out  some  way  to  re 
form  this  evil  and  persuade  the  people  to  let  the  fool 
ish  fashion  die  out ;  but  thinking  was  out  of  the  ques 
tion  in  the  circumstances.  You  couldn't  think,  where 
Sandy  was.  She  was  a  quite  biddable  creature  and 
good-hearted,  but  she  had  a  flow  of  talk  that  was  as 


92 

steady  as  a  mill,  and  made  your  head  sore  like  the 
drays  and  wagons  in  a  city.  If  she  had  had  a  cork 
she  would  have  been  a  comfort.  But  you  can't  cork 
that  kind ;  they  would  die.  Her  clack  was  going  all 
day,  and  you  would  think  something  would  surely 
happen  to  her  works,  by-and-by;  but  no,  they  never 
got  out  of  order;  and  she  never  had  to  slack  up  for 
words.  She  could  grind,  and  pump,  and  churn  and 
buzz  by  the  week,  and  never  stop  to  oil  up  or  blow 
out.  And  yet  the  result  was  just  nothing  but  wind. 
She  never  had  any  ideas,  any  more  than  a  fog  has. 
She  was  a  perfect  blatherskite  ;  I  mean  for  jaw,  jaw, 
jaw,  talk,  talk,  talk,  jabber,  jabber,  jabber ;  but  just  as 
good  as  she  could  be.  I  hadn't  minded  her  mill  that 
morning,  on  account  of  having  that  hornet's  nest  of 
other  troubles ;  but  more  than  once  in  the  afternoon 
I  had  to  say — 

"  Take  a  rest,  child ;  the  way  you  are  using  up  all 
the  domestic  air,  the  kingdom  will  have  to  go  to  im 
porting  it  by  to-morrow,  and  it's  a  low  enough  treas 
ury  without  that." 


CHAPTER   XIIL 
FREEMEN  ! 

YES,  it  is  strange  how  little  a  while  at  a  time  a  per 
son  can  be  contented.  Only  a  little  while  back,  when 
I  was  riding  and  suffering,  what  a  heaven  this  peace, 
this  rest,  this  sweet  serenity  in  this  secluded  shady 
nook  by  this  purling  stream  would  have  seemed, 
where  I  could  keep  perfectly  comfortable  all  the  time 
by  pouring  a  dipper  of  water  into  my  armor  now  and 
then ;  yet  already  I  was  getting  dissatisfied ;  partly 
because  I  could  not  light  my  pipe — for  although  I 
had  long  ago  started  a  match  factory,  I  had  forgotten 
to  bring  matches  with  me — and  partly  because  we 
had  nothing  to  eat.  Here  was  another  illustration  of 
the  childlike  improvidence  of  this  age  and  people.  A 
man  in  armor  always  trusted  to  chance  for  his  food 
on  a  journey,  and  would  have  been  scandalized  at  the 
idea  of  hanging  a  basket  of  sandwiches  on  his  spear. 
There  was  probably  not  a  knight  of  all  the  Round 
Table  combination  who  would  not  rather  have  died 
than  been  caught  carrying  such  a  thing  as  that  on  his 
flagstaff.  And  yet  there  could  not  be  anything  more 
sensible.  It  had  been  my  intention  to  smuggle  a 
couple  of  sandwiches  into  my  helmet,  but  I  was  inter 
rupted  in  the  act,  and  had  to  make  an  excuse  and  lay 
them  aside,  and  a  dog  got  them. 


94 

Night  approached,  and  with  it  a  storm.  The  dark 
ness  came  on  fast.  We  must  camp,  of  course.  I 
found  a  good  shelter  for  the  demoiselle  under  a  rock, 
and  went  off  and  found  another  for  myself.  But  I 
was  obliged  to  remain  in  my  armor,  because  I  could 
not  get  it  off  by  myself  and  yet  could  not  allow  Ali- 
sande  to  help,  because  it  would  have  seemed  so  like 
undressing  before  folk.  It  would  not  have  amounted 
to  that  in  reality,  because  I  had  clothes  on  under 
neath  ;  but  the  prejudices  of  one's  breeding  are  not 
gotten  rid  of  just  at  a  jump,  and  I  knew  that  when  it 
came  to  stripping  off  that  bob-tailed  iron  petticoat  I 
should  be  embarrassed. 

With  the  storm  came  a  change  of  weather ;  and  the 
stronger  the  wind  blew,  and  the  wilder  the  rain  lashecl 
around,  the  colder  and  colder  it  got.  Pretty  soon, 
various  kinds  of  bugs  and  ants  and  worms  and  things 
began  to  flock  in  out  of  the  wet  and  crawl  down 
inside  my  armor  to  get  warm  ;  and  while  some  of 
them  behaved  well  enough,  and  smuggled  up  amongst 
my  clothes  and  got  quiet,  the  majority  were  of  a  rest 
less,  uncomfortable  sort,  and  never  stayed  still,  but 
went  on  prowling  and  hunting  for  they  did  not  know 
what ;  especially  the  ants,  which  went  tickling  along 
in  wearisome  procession  from  one  end  of  me  to  the 
other  by  the  hour,  and  are  a  kind  of  creatures  which 
I  never  wish  to  sleep  with  again.  It  would  be  my 
advice  to  persons  situated  in  this  way,  to  not  roll  or 
thrash  around,  because  this  excites  the  interest  of  all 
the  different  sorts  of  animals  and  makes  every  last  one 
of  them  want  to  turn  out  and  see  what  is  going  on, 
and  this  makes  things  worse  than  they  were  before,  and 
of  course  makes  you  objurgate  harder,  too,  if  you  can. 


95 

Still,  if  one  did  not  roll  and  thrash  around  he  would 
die ;  so  perhaps  it  is  as  well  to  do  one  way  as  the  other, 
there  is  no  real  choice.  Even  after  I  was  frozen  solid 
I  could  still  distinguish  that  tickling,  just  as  a  corpse 
does  when  he  is  taking  electric  treatment.  I  said  I 
would  never  wear  armor  after  this  trip. 

All  those  trying  hours  whilst  I  was  frozen  and  yet 
was  in  a  living  fire,  as  you  may  say,  on  account  of  that 
swarm  of  crawlers,  that  same  unanswerable  question 
kept  circling  and  circling  through  my  tired  head : 
How  do  people  stand  this  miserable  armor  ?  How 
have  they  managed  to  stand  it  all  these  generations? 
How  can  they  sleep  at  night  for  dreading  the  tortures 
of  next  day  ? 

When  the  morning  came  at  last,  I  was  in  a  bad 
enough  plight :  seedy,  drowsy,  fagged,  from  want  of 
sleep ;  weary  from  thrashing  around,  famished  from 
long  fasting;  pining  for  a  bath,  and  to  get  rid  of  the 
animals ;  and  crippled  with  rheumatism.  And  how 
had  it  fared  with  the  nobly  born,  the  titled  aristocrat, 
the  Demoiselle  Alisande  la  Carteloise?  Why,  she 
was  as  fresh  as  a  squirrel ;  she  had  slept  like  the 
dead ;  and  as  for  a  bath,  probably  neither  she  nor 
any  other  noble  in  the  land  had  ever  had  one,  and  so 
she  was  not  missing  it.  Measured  by  modern  stand 
ards,  they  were  merely  modified  savages,  tnose  peo- 
pje.  Tliis  noble  lady  showed  no  impatience  to  get  to 
breakfast — and  that  smacks  of  the  savage,  too.  On 
their  journeys  those  Britons  were  used  to  long  fasts, 
and  knew  how  to  bear  them ;  and  also  how  to  freight 
up  against  probable  fasts  before  starting,  after  the 
stvl.e  of  the  Indian  and  the  anaconda.  As  like  as  not, 
Sandy  was  loaded  for  a  three-day  stretch. 


We  were  off  before  sunrise,  Sandy  riding  and  I 
limping  along  behind.  In  half  an  hour  we  came 
upon  a  group  of  ragged  poor  creatures  who  had  as 
sembled  to  mend  the  thing  which  was  regarded  as  a 
road.  They  were  as  humble  as  animals  to  me  ;  and 
when  I  proposed  to  breakfast  with  them,  they  were  so 
flattered,  so  ovenvhelmed  by  this  extraordinary  con 
descension  of  mine  that  at  first  they  were  not  able  to 
believe  that  I  was  in  earnest.  My  lady  put  up  her 
scornful  lip  and  withdrew  to  one  side ;  she  said  in 
their  hearing  that  she  would  as  soon  think  of  eating 
with  the  other  cattle  —  a  remark  which  embarrassed 
these  poor  devils  merely  because  it  referred  to  them, 
and  not  because  it  insulted  or  offended  them,  for  it 
didn't.  And  yet  they  were  not  slaves,  not  chattels. 
By  a  sarcasm  of  law  and  phrase  they  were  freemen. 
Seven -tenths  of  the  free  population  of  the  country 
were  of  just  their  class  and  degree :  small  "  indepen 
dent  "  farmers,  artisans,  etc. ;  which  is  to  say,  they  were 
the  nation,  the  actual  Nation  ;  they  were  about  all  of  it 
that  was  useful,  or  worth  saving,  or  really  respectworthy ; 
and  to  subtract  them  would  have  been  to  subtract  the 
Nation  and  leave  behind  some  dregs,  some  refuse,  in 
the  shape  of  a  king,  nobility  and  gentry,  idle,  unpro 
ductive,  acquainted  mainly  with  the  arts  of  wasting 
tnd  destroying,  and  of  no  sort  of  use  or  value  in  any 
rationally  constructed  world.  And  yet,  by  ingenious 
contrivance,  this  gilded  minority,  instead  of  being  in 
the  tail  of  the  procession  where  it  belonged,  was 
marching  head  up  and  banners  flying,  at  the  other 
end  of  it ;  had  elected  itself  to  be  the  Nation,  and 
these  innumerable  clams  had  permitted  it  so  long  that 
they  had  come  at  last  to  accept  it  as  a  truth  ;  and  not 


97 

only  that,  but  to  believe  it  right  and  as  it  should  be. 
The  priests  had  told  their  fathers  and  themselves  that 
this  ironical  state  of  things  was  ordained  of  God;  and 
so,  not  reflecting  upon  how  unlike  God  it  would  be  to 
amuse  himself  with  sarcasms,  and  especially  such  poor 
transparent  ones  as  this,  they  had  dropped  the  matter 
there  and  become  respectfully  quiet. 

The  talk  of  these  meek  people  had  a  strange  enough 
sound  in  a  formerly  American  ear.  They  were  free 
men,  but  they  could  not  leave  the  estates  of  their 
lord  or  their  bishop  without  his  permission;  they 
could  not  prepare  their  own  bread,  but  must  have 
their  corn  ground  and  their  bread  baked  at  his  mill 
and  his  bakery,  and  pay  roundly  for  the  same  ;  they 
could  not  sell  a  piece  of  their  own  property  without 
paying  him  a  handsome  percentage  of  the  proceeds, 
nor  buy  a  piece  of  somebody  else's  without  remem 
bering  him  in  cash  for  the  privilege ;  they  had  to  har 
vest  his  grain  for  him  gratis,  and  be  ready  to  come  at 
a  moment's  notice,  leaving  their  own  crop  to  destruc 
tion  by  the  threatened  storm  ;  they  had  to  let  him 
plant  fruit  trees  in  their  fields,  and  then  keep  their 
indignation  to  themselves  when  his  heedless  fruit 
gatherers  trampled  the  grain  around  the  trees ;  they 
had  to  smother  their  anger  when  his  hunting  parties 
galloped  through  their  fields  laying  waste  the  result 
of  their  patient  toil ;  they  were  not  allowed  to  keep 
doves  themselves,  and  when  the  swarms  from  my 
lord's  dovecote  settled  on  their  crops  they  must  not 
lose  their  temper  and  kill  a  bird,  for  awful  would  the 
penalty  be ;  when  the  harvest  was  at  last  gathered, 
then  came  the  procession  of  robbers  to  levy  their 
blackmail  upon  it :  first  the  Church  carted  off  its  fat 


tenth,  then  the  king's  commissioner  took  his  twenti 
eth,  then  my  lord's  people  made  a  mighty  inroad 
upon  the  remainder  ;  after  which,  the  skinned  freeman 
had  liberty  to  bestow  the  remnant  in  his  barn,  in  case 
it  was  worth  the  trouble  ;  there  were  taxes,  and  taxes, 
and  taxes,  and  more  taxes,  and  taxes  again,  and  yet 
other  taxes — upon  this  free  and  independent  pauper, 
but  none  upon  his  lord  the  baron  or  the  bishop,  none 
upon  the  wasteful  nobility  or  the  all-devouring  Church  ; 
if  the  baron  would  sleep  unvexed,  the  freeman  must 
sit  up  all  night  after  his  day's  work  and  whip  the 
ponds  to  keep  the  frogs  quiet  ;  if  the  freeman's  daugh 
ter — but  no,  that  last  infamy  of  monarchical  govern 
ment  is  unprintable ;  and  finally,  if  the  freeman, 
grown  desperate  with  his  tortures,  found  his  life  unen 
durable  under  such  conditions,  and  sacrificed  it  and 
fled  to  death  for  mercy  and  refuge,  the  gentle  Church 
condemned  him  to  eternal  fire,  the  gentle  law  buried 
him  at  midnight  at  the  cross-roads  with  a  stake 
through  his  back,  and  his  master  the  baron  or  the 
bishop  confiscated  all  his  property  and  turned  his 
widow  and  his  orphans  out  of  doors. 

And  here  were  these  freemen  assembled  in  the 
early  morning  to  work  on  their  lord  the  bishop's  road 
three  days  each — gratis ;  every  head  of  a  family,  and 
every  son  of  a  family,  three  days  each,  gratis,  and  a 
day  or  so  added  for  their  servants.  Why,  it  was  like 
reading  about  France  and  the  French,  before  the  ever- 
memorable  and  blessed  Revolution,  which  swept  a 
thousand  years  of  such  villany  away  in  one  swift  tidal- 
wave  of  blood — one :  a  settlement  of  that  hoary  debt 
in  the  proportion  of  half  a  drop  of  blood  for  each 
hogshead  of  it  that  had  been  pressed  by  slow  tortures 


99 

out  of  that  people  in  the  weary  stretch  of  ten  centuries 
of  wrong  and  shame  and  misery  the  like  of  which  was 
not  to  be  mated  but  in  hell.  There  were  two  "  Reigns 
of  Terror,"  if  we  would  but  remember  it  and  consider 
it ;  the  one  wrought  murder  in  hot  passion,  the  other 
in  heartless  cold  blood  ;  the  one  lasted  mere  months, 
the  other  had  lasted  a  thousand  years ;  the  one  inflict 
ed  death  upon  ten  thousand  persons,  the  other  upon  a 
hundred  millions  ;  but  our  shudders  are  all  for  the  "  hor 
rors  "  of  the  minor  Terror,  the  momentary  Terror,  so  to 
speak ;  whereas,  what  is  the  horror  of  swift  death  by 
the  axe,  compared  with  life-long  death  from  hunger, 
cold,  insult,  cruelty  and  heart-break?  What  is  swift 
death  by  lightning  compared  with  death  by  slow  fire 
at  the  stake  ?  A  city  cemetery  could  contain  the 
coffins  filled  by  that  brief  Terror  which 'we  have  all 
been  so  diligently  taught  to  shiver  at  and  mourn 
over;  but  all  France  could  hardly  contain  the  coffins 
filled  by  that  older  and  real  Terror — that  unspeak 
ably  bitter  and  awful  Terror  which  none  of  us  has 
been  taught  to  see  in  its  vastness  or  pity  as  it  de 
serves. 

These  poor  ostensible  freemen  who  were  sharing 
their  breakfast  and  their  talk  with  me,  were  as  full  of 
humble  reverence  for  their  king  and  Church  and 
nobility  as  their  worst  enemy  could  desire.  There 
was  something  pitifully  ludicrous  about  it.  I  asked 
them  if  they  supposed  a  nation  of  people  ever  existed, 
who,  with  a  free  vote  in  every  man's  hand,  would 
elect  that  a  single  family  and  -its  descendants  should 
reign  over  it  forever,  whether  gifted  or  boobies,  to 
the  exclusion  of  all  other  families  —  including  the 
voter's ;  and  would  also  elect  that  a  certain  hundred 


IOO 


families  should  be  raised  to  dizzy  summits  of  rank, 
and  clothed -on  with  offensive  transmissible  glories 
and  privileges  to  the  exclusion  of  the  rest  of  the 
nation's  families — including  his  own. 

They  all  looked  unhit,  and  said  they  didn't  know ; 
that  they  had  never  thought  about  it  before,  and  it 
hadn't  ever  occurred  to  them  that  a  nation  could  be 
so  situated  that  every  man  could  have  a  say  in  the 
government.  I  said  I  had  seen  one  —  and  that  it 
would  last  until  it  had  an  Established  Church.  Again 
they  were  all  unhit — at  first.  But  presently  one  man 
looked  up  and  asked  me  to  state  that  proposition 
again ;  and  state  it  slowly,  so  it  could  soak  into  his 
understanding.  I  "did  it;  and  after  a  little  he  had 
the  idea,  and  he  brought  his  fist  down  and  said  he 
didn't  believe  a  nation  where  every  man  had  a  vote 
would  voluntarily  get  down  in  the  mud  and  dirt  in 
any  such  way  ;  and  that  to  steal  from  a  nation  its 
will  and  preference  must  be  a  crime  and  the  first  of 
all  crimes. 

I  said  to  myself : 

"This  one's  a  man.  If  I  were  backed  by  enough 
of  his  sort,  I  would  make  a  strike  for  the  welfare  of 
this  country,  and  try  to  prove  myself  its  loyalest 
citizen  by  making  a  wholesome  change  in  its  system 
of  government." 

You  see  my  kind  of  loyalty  was  loyalty  to  one's 
country,  not  to  its  institutions  or  its  office-holders. 
The  country  is  the  real  thing,  the  substantial  thing, 
the  eternal  thing ;  is  it  the  thing  to  watch  over,  and 
care  for,  and  be  loyal  to ;  institutions  are  extraneous, 
they  are  its  mere  clothing,  and  clothing  can  wear  out, 
Vcome  ragged,  cease  to  be  comfortable,  cease  to 


101 


protect  the  body  from  winter,  disease,  and  death.  To 
be  loyal  to  rags,  to  shout  for  rags,  to  worship  rags,  to 
die  for  rags — that  is  a  loyalty  of  unreason,  it  is  pure 
animal ;  it  belongs  to  monarchy,  was  invented  by 
monarchy;  let  monarchy  keep  it.  I  was  from  Con 
necticut,  whose  Constitution  declares  "  that  all  polit 
ical  power  is  inherent  in  the  people,  and  all  free 
governments  are  founded  on  their  authority  and  in 
stituted  for  their  benefit ;  and  that  they  have  at  all 
times  an  undeniable  and  indefeasible  right  to  alter 
their  form  of  government  in  such  a  manner  as  they 
may  think  expedient." 

Under  that  gospel,  the  citizen  who  thinks  he  sees 
that  the  commonwealth's  political  clothes  are  worn 
out,  and  yet  holds  his  peace  and  does  not  agitate  for 
a  new  suit,  is  disloyal ;  he  is  a  traitor.  That  he  may 
be  the  only  one  who  thinks  he  sees  this  decay,  does 
not  excuse  him ;  it  is  his  duty  to  agitate  anyway, 
and  it  is  the  duty  of  the  others  to  vote  him  down  if 
they  do  not  see  the  matter  as  he  does. 

And  now  here  I  was,  in  a  country  where  a  right  to 
say  how  the  country  should  be  governed  was  restricted 
to  six  persons  in  each  thousand  of  its  population. 
For  the  nine  hundred  and  ninety-four  to  express  dis 
satisfaction  with  the  regnant  system  and  propose  to 
change  it,  would  have  made  the  whole  six  shudder  as 
one  man,  it  would  have  been  so  disloyal,  so  dishonor 
able,  such  putrid  black  treason.  So  to  speak,  I  was 
become  a  stockholder  in  a  corporation  where  nine 
hundred  and  ninety-four  of  the  members  furnished  all 
the  money  and  did  all  the  work,  and  the  other  six 
elected  themselves  a  permanent  board  of  direction 
and  took  all  the  dividends.  It  seemed  to  me  that 


102 


what  the  nine  hundred  and  ninety-four  dupes  needed 
was  a  new  deal.  The  thing  that  would  have  best 
suited  the  circus  side  of  my  nature  would  have  been 
to  resign  the  Boss-ship  and  get  up  an  insurrection  and 
turn  it  into  a  revolution ;  but  I  knew  that  the  Jack 
Cade  or  the  Wat  Tyler  who  tried  such  a  tiring  with 
out  first  educating  his  materials  up  to  revolution-grade 
is  almost  absolutely  certain  to  get  left.  I  had  never 
been  accustomed  to  getting  left,  even  if  I  do  say  it 
myself.  Wherefore,  the  "deal"  which  had  been  for 
some  time  working  into  shape  in  my  mind  was  of  a 
quite  different  pattern  from  the  Cade-Tyler  sort. 

So  I  did  not  talk  blood  and  insurrection  to  that 
man  there  who  sat  munching  black  bread  with  that 
abused  and  mistaught  herd  of  human  sheep,  but  took 
him  aside  and  talked  matter  of  another  sort  to  him. 
After  I  had  finished,  I  got  him  to  lend  me  a  little  ink 
from  his  veins ;  and  with  this  and  a  sliver  I  wrote  on 
a  piece  of  bark — 

Put  him  in  the  Man-Factory — 

and  gave  it  to  him,  and  said — 

"  Take  it  to  the  palace  at  Camelot  and  give  it  into 
the  hands  of  Amyas  le  Poulet,  whom  I  call  Clarence, 
and  he  will  understand." 

"  He  is  a  priest,  then,"  said  the  man,  and  some  of 
the  enthusiasm  went  out  of  his  face. 

"  How— a  priest?  Didn't  I  tell  you  that  no  chattel 
of  the  Church,  no  bond-slave  of  pope  or  bishop  can 
enter  my  Man-Factory  ?  Didn't  I  tell  you  that  you 
couldn't  enter  unless  your  religion,  whatever  it  might 
be,  was  your  own  free  property  ?" 

"  Marry,  it  is  so,  and  for  that  I  was  glad  ;  wherefore 


IQ3 

it  liked  me  not,  and  bred  in  me  a  cold  doubt,  to  hear 
of  this  priest  being  there." 

"  But  he  isn't  a  priest,  I  tell  you." 
The  man  looked  far  from  satisfied.     He  said  : 
"  He  is  not  a  priest,  and  yet  can  read?" 
"  He  is  not  a  priest  and  yet  can  read — yes,  and  write, 
too,  for   that  matter.     I  taught  him  myself."     The 
man's  face  cleared.     "And  it  is  the  first  thing  that 
you  yourself  will  be  taught  in  that  Factory — " 

"  I  ?  I  would  give  blood  out  of  my  heart  to  know 
that  art.  Why,  I  will  be  your  slave,  your — " 

lt  No  you  won't,  you  won't  be  anybody's  slave. 
Take  your  family  and  go  along.  Your  lord  the  bishop 
will  confiscate  your  small  property,  but  no  matter, 
Clarence  will  fix  you  all  right." 


CHAPTER   XIV 
"  DEFEND    THEE,   LORD  1" 

I  PAID  three  pennies  for  my  breakfast,  and  a  most 
extravagant  price  it  was,  too,  seeing  that  one  could 
have  breakfasted  a  dozen  persons  for  that  money ; 
but  I  was  feeling  good  by  this  time,  and  I  had  always 
been  a  kind  of  spendthrift  anyway ;  and  then  these 
people  had  wanted  to  give  me  the  food  for  nothing, 
scant  as  their  provision  was,  and  so  it  was  a  grateful 
pleasure  to  emphasize  my  appreciation  and  sincere 
thankfulness  with  a  good  big  financial  lift  where  the 
money  would  do  so  much  more  good  than  it  would  in 
my  helmet,  where,  these  pennies  being  made  of  iron 
and  not  stinted  in  weight,  my  half-dollar's  worth  was 
a  good  deal  of  a  burden  to  me.  I  spent  money  rather 
too  freely  in  those  days,  it  is  true ;  but  one  reason  for 
it  was  that  I  hadn't  got  the  proportions  of  things  en 
tirely  adjusted,  even  yet,  after  so  long  a  sojourn  in 
Britain — hadn't  got  along  to  where  I  was  able  to  ab 
solutely  realize  that  a  penny  in  Arthur's  land  and  a 
couple  of  dollars  in  Connecticut  were  about  one  and 
the  same  thing:  just  twins,  as  you  may  say,  in  pur 
chasing  power.  If  my  start  from  Camelot  could  have 
been  delayed  a  very  few  days  I  could  have  paid  these 
people  in  beautiful  new  coins  from  our  own  mint,  and 
that  would  have  pleased  me ;  and  them,  too,  not  less. 


I  had  adopted  the  American  values  exclusively.  In  a 
week  or  two  now,  cents,  nickels,  dimes,  quarters  and 
half-dollars,  and  also  a  trifle  of  gold,  would  be  trickling 
in  thin  but  steady  streams  all  through  the  commercial 
veins  of  the  kingdom,  and  I  looked  to  see  this  new 
blood  freshen  up  its  life. 

The  farmers  were  bound  to  throw  in  something,  to 
sort  of  offset  my  liberality,  whether  I  would  or  no ;  so 
I  let  them  give  me  a  flint  and  steel ;  and  as  soon  as 
they  had  comfortably  bestowed  Sandy  and  me  on  our 
horse,  I  lit  my  pipe.  When  the  first  blast  of  smoke 
shot  out  through  the  bars  of  my  helmet,  all  those  peo 
ple  broke  for  the  woods,  and  Sandy  went  over  back 
wards  and  struck  the  ground  with  a  dull  thud.  They 
thought  I  was  one  of  those  fire-belching  dragons  they 
had  heard  so  much  about  from  knights  and  other  pro 
fessional  liars.  I  had  infinite  trouble  to  persuade 
those  people  to  venture  back  within  explaining  dis 
tance.  Then  I  told  them  that  this  was  only  a  bit  of 
enchantment  which  would  work  harm  to  none  but  my 
enemies.  And  I  promised,  with  my  hand  on  my 
heart,  that  if  all  who  felt  no  enmity  toward  me  would 
come  forward  and  pass  before  me  they  should  see  that 
only  those  who  remained  behind  would  be  struck 
dead.  The  procession  moved  with  a  good  deal  of 
promptness.  There  were  no  casualties  to  report,  for 
nobody  had  curiosity  enough  to  remain  behind  to  see 
what  would  happen. 

I  lost  some  time,  now,  for  these  big  children,  their 
fears  gone,  became  so  ravished  with  wonder  over  my 
awe-compelling  fireworks  that  I  had  to  stay  there  and 
smoke  a  couple  of  pipes  out  before  they  would  let  me 
go.  Still  the  delay  was  not  wholly  unproductive,  for 


io6 

it  took  all  that  time  to  get  Sandy  thoroughly  wonted 
to  the  new  thing,  she  being  so  close  to  it,  you  know. 
It  plugged  up  her  conversation-mill,  too,  for  a  consider 
able  while,  and  that  was  a  gain.  But  above  all  other 
benefits  accruing,  I  had  learned  something.  I  was 
ready  for  any  giant  or  any  ogre  that  might  come  along, 
now. 

We  tarried  with  a  holy  hermit,  that  night,  and  my 
opportunity  came  about  the  middle  of  the  next  after 
noon.  We  were  crossing  a  vast  meadow  by  way  of 
short-cut,  and  I  was  musing  absently,  hearing  noth 
ing,  seeing  nothing,  when  Sandy  suddenly  interrupted 
a  remark  which  she  had  begun  that  morning,  with  the 
cry— 

"  Defend  thee,  lord  !— peril  of  life  is  toward !" 
And  she  slipped  down  from  the  horse  and  ran  a  lit 
tle  way  and  stood.  I  looked  up  and  saw,  far  off  in 
the  shade  of  a  tree,  half  a  dozen  armed  knights  and 
their  squires ;  and  straightway  there  was  bustle  among 
them  and  tightening  of  saddle-girths  for  the  mount. 
My  pipe  was  ready  and  would  have  been  lit,  if  I  had 
not  been  lost  in  thinking  about  how  to  banish  oppres 
sion  from  this  land  and  restore  to  all  its  people  their 
stolen  rights  and  manhood  without  disobliging  any 
body.  I  lit  up  at  once,  and  by  the  time  I  had  got  a 
good  head  of  reserved  steam  on,  here  they  came.  All 
together,  too;  none  of  those  chivalrous  magnanimities 
which  one  reads  so  much  about — one  courtly  rascal  at 
a  time,  and  the  rest  standing  by  to  see  fair  play.  No, 
they  came  in  a  body,  they  came  with  a  whirr  and  a 
rush,  they  came  like  a  volley  from  a  battery ;  came 
with  heads  low  down,  plumes  streaming  out  behind, 
lances  advanced  at  a  level.  It  was  a  handsome  sight, 


"THEY  CAME  IN  A  BODY,  THEY  CAME  WITH  A  WHIRR" 


IQ7 

a  beautiful  sight — for  a  man  up  a  tree.  I  laid  my 
lance  in  rest  and  waited,  with  my  heart  beating,  till  the 
iron  wave  was  just  ready  to  break  over  me,  then  spout 
ed  a  column  of  white  smoke  through  the  bars  of  my  hel 
met.  You  should  have  seen  the  wave  go  to  pieces  and 
scatter !  This  was  a  finer  sight  than  the  other  one. 

But  these  people  stopped,  two  or  three  hundred 
yards  away,  and  this  troubled  me.  My  satisfaction 
collapsed,  and  fear  came  ;  I  judged  I  was  a  lost  man. 
But  Sandy  was  radiant ;  and  was  going  to  be  eloquent, 
but  I  stopped  her,  and  told  her  my  magic  had  miscar 
ried,  somehow  or  other,  and  she  must  mount,  with  all 
despatch,  and  we  must  ride  for  life.  No,  she  wouldn't. 
She  said  that  my  enchantment  had  disabled  those 
knights ;  they  were  not  riding  on,  because  they  couldn't ; 
wait,  they  would  drop  out  of  their  saddles  presently, 
and  we  would  get  their  horses  and  harness.  I  could 
not  deceive  such  trusting  simplicity,  so  I  said  it  was  a 
mistake ;  that  when  my  fireworks  killed  at  all,  they 
killed  instantly  ;  no,  the  men  would  not  die,  there  was 
something  wrong  about  my  apparatus,  I  couldn't  tell 
what ;  but  we  must  hurry  and  get  away,  for  those 
people  would  attack  us  again,  in  a  minute.  Sandy 
laughed,  and  said — 

"  Lack-a-day,  sir,  they  be  not  of  that  breed  !  Sir 
Launcelot  will  give  battle  to  dragons,  and  will  abide 
by  them,  and  will  assail  them  again,  and  yet  again, 
and  still  again,  until  he  do  conquer  and  destroy  them  ; 
and  so  likewise  will  Sir  Pellinore  and  Sir  Aglovaleand 
Sir  Carados,  and  mayhap  others,  but  there  be  none 
else  that  will  venture  it,  let  the  idle  say  what  the  idle 
will.  And,  la,  as  to  yonder  base  rufflers,  think  ye  they 
have  not  their  fill,  but  yet  desire  more?" 


io8 

"  Well,  then,  what  are  they  waiting,  for  ?  Why  don't 
they  leave  ?  Nobody's  hindering.  Good  land,  I'm 
willing  to  let  by-gones  be  by-gones,  I'm  sure." 

"  Leave,  is  it  ?  Oh,  give  thyself  easement  as  to 
that.  They  dream  not  of  it,  no,  not  they.  They  wait 
to  yield  them." 

"  Come — really,  is  that  *  sooth' — as  you  people  say  ? 
If  they  want  to,  why  don't  they  ?" 

"  It  would  like  them  much ;  but  an  ye  wot  how 
dragons  are  esteemed,  ye  would  not  hold  them  blama- 
ble.  They  fear  to  come." 

"  Well,  then,  suppose  I  go  to  them  instead,  and — " 

"  Ah,  wit  ye  well  they  would  not  abide  your  com 
ing.  I  will  go." 

And  she  did.  She  was  a  handy  person  to  have 
along  on  a  raid.  I  would  have  considered  this  a 
doubtful  errand,  myself.  I  presently  saw  the  knights 
riding  away,  and  Sandy  coming  back.  That  was  a 
relief.  I  judged  she  had  somehow  failed  to  get  the 
first  innings — I  mean  in  the  conversation ;  otherwise 
the  interview  wouldn't  have  been  so  short.  But  it 
turned  out  that  she  had  managed  the  business  well ; 
in  fact  admirably.  She  said  that  when  she  told  those 
people  I  was  The  Boss,  it  hit  them  where  they  lived : 
"  smote  them  sore  with  fear  and  dread  "  was  her  word  ; 
and  then  they  were  ready  to  put  up  with  anything 
she  might  require.  So  she  swore  them  to  appear  at 
Arthur's  court  within  two  days  and  yield  them,  with 
horse  and  harness,  and  be  my  knights  henceforth,  and 
subject  to  my  command.  How  much  better  she  man 
aged  that  thing  than  I  should  have  done  it  myself ! 
She  was  a  daisy. 


CHAPTER    XV 
SANDY'S  TALE 

"AND  so  I'm  proprietor  of  some  knights,"  said  I,  as 
we  rode  off.  "  Who  would  ever  have  supposed  that 
I  should  live  to  list  up  assets  of  that  sort.  I  shan't 
know  what  to  do  with  them  ;  unless  I  raffle  them  off. 
How  many  of  them  are  there,  Sandy  ?" 

"  Seven,  please  you,  sir,  and  their  squires." 

"  It  is  a  good  haul.  Who  are  they  ?  Where  do 
they  hang  out  ?" 

"  Where  do  they  hang  out  ?" 

"  Yes,  where  do  they  live  ?" 

"Ah,  I  understood  thee  not.  That  will  I  tell  eft- 
soons."  Then  she  said  musingly,  and  softly,  turning 
the  words  daintily  over  her  tongue :  "  Hang  they  out 
—hang  they  out — where  hang — where  do  they  hang 
out ;  eh,  right  so  ;  where  do  they  hang  out.  Of  a 
truth  the  phrase  hath  a  fair  and  winsome  grace,  and 
is  prettily  worded  withal.  I  will  repeat  it  anon  and 
anon  in  mine  idlesse,  whereby  I  may  peradventure 
learn  it.  Where  do  they  hang  out.  Even  so  !  al 
ready  it  falleth  trippingly  from  my  tongue,  and  foras 
much  as — " 

"  Don't  forget  the  cow-boys,  Sandy." 

"  Cow-boys  ?" 

"Yes;  the  knights,  you  know:  You  were  going  to 


no 

tell  me  about  them.  A  while  back,  you  remember. 
Figuratively  speaking,  game's  called." 

"  Game—" 

"  Yes,  yes,  yes !  Go  to  the  bat.  I  mean,  get  to 
work  on  your  statistics,  and  don't  burn  so  much  kind 
ling  getting  your  fire  started.  Tell  me  about  the 
knights." 

"  I  will  well,  and  lightly  will  begin.  So  they  two 
departed  and  rode  into  a  great  forest.  And — " 

"  Great  Scott !" 

You  see,  I  recognized  my  mistake  at  once.  I  had 
set  her  works  a-going  ;  it  was  my  own  fault ;  she  would 
be  thirty  days  getting  down  to  those  facts.  And  she 
generally  began  without  a  preface  and  finished  with 
out  a  result.  If  you  interrupted  her  she  would  either 
go  right  along  without  noticing,  or  answer  with  a 
couple  of  words,  and  go  back  and  say  the  sentence 
over  again.  So,  interruptions  only  did  harm  ;  and  yet 
I  had  to  interrupt,  and  interrupt  pretty  frequently, 
too,  in  order  to  save  my  life ;  a  person  would  die  if  he 
let  her  monotony  drip  on  him  right  along  all  day. 

"  Great  Scott !"  I  said  in  my  distress.  She  went 
right  back  and  began  over  again : 

"  So  they  two  departed  and  rode  into  a  great  forest. 
And—" 

"  Which  two  ?" 

"  Sir  Gawaine  and  Sir  Uwaine.  And  so  they  came 
to  an  abbey  of  monks,  and  there  were  well  lodged. 
So  on  the  morn  they  heard  their  masses  in  the  abbey, 
and  so  they  rode  forth  till  they  came  to  a  great  forest ; 
then  was  Sir  Gawaine  ware  in  a  valley  by  a  turret,  of 
twelve  fair  damsels,  and  two  knights  armed  on  great 
horses,  and  the  damsels  went  to  and  fro  by  a  tree. 


Ill 

And  then  was  Sir  Gawaine  ware  how  there  hung  a 
white  shield  on  that  tree,  and  ever  as  the  damsels 
came  by  it  they  spit  upon  it,  and  some  threw  mire 
upon  the  shield — " 

"  Now,  if  I  hadn't  seen  the  like  myself  in  this 
country,  Sandy,  I  wouldn't  believe  it.  But  I've  seen 
it,  and  I  can  just  see  those  creatures  now,  parading 
before  that  shield  and  acting  like  that.  The  women 
here  do  certainly  act  like  all  possessed.  Yes,  and  I 
mean  your  best,  too,  society's  very  choicest  brands. 
The  humblest  hello-girl  along  ten  thousand  miles  of 
wire  could  teach  gentleness,  patience,  modesty,  man 
ners,  to  the  highest  duchess  in  Arthur's  land." 

"Hello-girl?" 

"  Yes,  but  don't  you  ask  me  to  explain ;  it's  a  new 
kind  of  girl ;  they  don't  have  them  here ;  one  often 
speaks  sharply  to  them  when  they  are  not  the  least 
in  fault,  and  he  can't  get  over  feeling  sorry  for  it  and 
ashamed  of  himself  in  thirteen  hundred  years,  it's 
such  shabby  mean  conduct  and  so  unprovoked;  the 
fact  is,  no  gentlemen  ever  does  it — though  I — well,  I 
myself,  if  I've  got  to  confess — " 

"  Peradventure  she — " 

"Never  mind  her;  never  mind  her;  I  tell  you  I 
couldn't  ever  explain  her  so  you  would  understand." 

"  Even  so  be  it,  sith  ye  are  so  minded.  Then  Sir 
Gawaine  and  Sir  Uwaine  went  and  saluted  them,  and 
asked  them  why  they  did  that  despite  to  the  shield. 
Sirs,  said  the  damsels,  we  shall  tell  you.  There  is  a 
knight  in  this  country  that  owneth  this  white  shield, 
and  he  is  a  passing  good  man  of  his  hands,  but  he 
hateth  all  ladies  and  gentlewomen,  and  therefore  we 
do  all  this  despite  to  the  shield.  I  will  say  you,  said 


112 


Sir  Gawaine,  it  beseemeth  evil  a  good  knight  to  de 
spise  all  ladies  and  gentlewomen,  and  peradventure 
though  he  hate  you  he  hath  some  cause,  and  perad 
venture  he  loveth  in  some  other  places  ladies  and 
gentlewomen,  and  to  be  loved  again,  and  he  such  a 
man  of  prowess  as  ye  speak  of — " 

"  Man  of  prowess — yes,  that  is  the  man  to  please 
them,  Sandy.  Man  of  brains  —  that  is  a  thing  they 
never  think  of.  Tom  Sayers — John  Heenan — John 
L.  Sullivan — pity  but  you  could  be  here.  You  would 
have  your  legs  under  the  Round  Table  and  a  '  Sir ' 
in  front  of  your  names  within  the  twenty-four  hours; 
and  you  could  bring  about  a  new  distribution  of  the 
married  princesses  and  duchesses  of  the  Court  in 
another  twenty-four.  The  fact  is,  it  is  just  a  sort  of 
polished-up  court  of  Comanches,  and  there  isn't  a 
squaw  in  it  who  doesn't  stand  ready  at  the  dropping 
of  a  hat  to  desert  to  the  buck  with  the  biggest  string 
of  scalps  at  his  belt." 

" —  and  he  be  such  a  man  of  prowess  as  ye  speak 
of,  said  Sir  Gawaine.  Now  what  is  his  name?  Sir, 
said  they,  his  name  is  Marhaus  the  king's  son  of 
Ireland." 

"  Son  of  the  king  of  Ireland,  you  mean  ;  the  other 
form  doesn't  mean  anything.  And  look  out  and  hold 
on  tight,  now,  we  must  jump  this  gully.  .  .  .  There, 
we  are  all  right  now.  This  horse  belongs  in  the 
circus;  he  is  born  before  his  time." 

"  I  know  him  well,  said  Sir  Uwaine,  he  is  a  passing 
good  knight  as  any  is  on  live." 

"  On  Live,  If  you've  got  a  fault  in  the  world, 
Sandy,  it  is  that  you  are  a  shade  too  archaic.  But 
it  isn't  any  matter." 


"3 

" — for  I  saw  him  once  proved  at  a  justs  where 
many  knights  were  gathered,  and  that  time  there 
might  no  man  withstand  him.  Ah,  said  Sir  Gawaine, 
damsels,  methinketh  ye  are  to  blame,  for  it  is  to  sup 
pose  he  that  hung  that  shield  there  will  not  be  long 
therefrom,  and  then  may  those  knights  match  him 
on  horseback,  and  that  is  more  your  worship  than 
thus;  for  I  will  abide  no  longer  to  see  a  knight's 
shield  dishonored.  And  therewith  Sir  Uwaine  and 
Sir  Gawaine  departed  a  little  from  them,  and  then 
were  they  ware  where  Sir  Marhaus  came  riding  on  a 
great  horse  straight  toward  them.  And  when  the 
twelve  damsels  saw  Sir  Marhaus  they  fled  into  the 
turret  as  they  were  wild,  so  that  some  of  them  fell  by 
the  way.  Then  the  one  of  the  knights  of  the  tower 
dressed  his  shield,  and  said  on  high,  Sir  Marhaus  de 
fend  thee.  And  so  they  ran  together  that  the  knight 
brake  his  spear  on  Marhaus,  and  Sir  Marhaus  smote 
him  so  hard  that  he  brake  his  neck  and  the  horse's 
back—" 

"  Well,  that  is  just  the  trouble  about  this  state  of 
things,  it  ruins  so  many  horses." 

"  That  saw  the  other  knight  of  the  turret,  and 
dressed  him  toward  Marhaus,  and  they  went  so  eagerly 
together,  that  the  knight  of  the  turret  was  soon  smitten 
down,  horse  and  man,  stark  dead — " 

"Another  horse  gone;  I  tell  you  it  is  a  custom  that 
ought  to  be  broken  up.  I  don't  see  how  people  with 
any  feeling  can  applaud  and  support  it." 

•*  •*  *  *  *  * 

"So  these  two  knights  came  together  with  great 
random — " 

I  saw  that  I  had  been  asleep  and  missed  a  chapter, 

8CY 


"4 

but  I  didn't  say  anything.  I  judged  that  the  Irish 
knight  was  in  trouble  with  the  visitors  by  this  time, 
and  this  turned  out  to  be  the  case. 

" — that  Sir  Uwaine  smote  Sir  Marhaus  that  his 
spear  brast  in  pieces  on  the  shield,  and  Sir  Marhaus 
smote  him  so  sore  that  horse  and  man  he  bare  to 
the  earth,  and  hurt  Sir  Uwaine  on  the  left  side — " 

"  The  truth  is,  Alisande,  these  archaics  are  a  little 
too  simple ;  the  vocabulary  is  too  limited,  and  so,  by 
consequence,  descriptions  suffer  in  the  matter  of  vari 
ety  ;  they  run  too  much  to  level  Saharas  of  fact,  and 
not  enough  to  picturesque  detail ;  this  throws  about 
them  a  certain  air  of  the  monotonous ;  in  fact  the 
fights  are  all  alike :  a  couple  of  people  come  together 
with  great  random — random  is  a  good  word,  and  so  is 
exegesis,  for  that  matter,  and  so  is  holocaust,  and  defal 
cation,  and  usufruct  and  a  hundred  others,  but  land ! 
a  body  ought  to  discriminate  —  they  come  together 
with  great  random,  and  a  spear  is  brast,  and  one  party 
break  his  shield  and  the  other  one  goes  down,  horse  and 
man,  over  his  horse-tail  and  brake  his  neck,  and  then 
the  next  candidate  comes  randoming  in,  and  brast 
his  spear,  and  the  other  man  brast  his  shield,  and 
down  he  goes,  horse  and  man,  over  his  horse-tail,  and 
brake  his  neck,  and  then  there's  another  elected,  and 
another  and  another  and  still  another,  till  the  material 
is  all  used  up  ;  and  when  you  come  to  figure  up  re 
sults,  you  can't  tell  one  fight  from  another,  nor  who 
whipped ;  and  as  a  picture,  of  living,  raging,  roaring 
battle,  sho !  why,  its  pale  and  noiseless — just  ghosts 
scuffling  in  a  fog.  Dear  me,  what  would  this  barren 
vocabularly  get  out  of  the  mightiest  spectacle  ? — the 
burning  of  Rome  in  Nero's  time,  for  instance  ?  Why, 


"5 

it  would  merely  say,  '  Town  burned  down ;  no  insur> 
ance ;  boy  brast  a  window,  fireman  brake  his  neck !' 
Why,  that  ain't  a  picture !" 

It  was  a  good  deal  of  a  lecture,  I  thought,  but  it 
didn't  disturb  Sandy,  didn't  turn  a  feather  ;  her  steam 
soared  steadily  up  again,  the  minute  I  took  off  the 
lid: 

"Then  Sir  Marhaus  turned  his  horse  and  rode  toward 
Gawaine  with  his  spear.  And  when  Sir  Gawaine  saw 
that,  he  dressed  his  shield,  and  they  aventred  their 
spears,  and  they  came  together  with  all  the  might  of 
their  horses,  that  either  knight  smote  other  so  hard  in 
the  midst  of  their  shields,  but  Sir  Gawaine's  spear 
brake — " 

"  I  knew  it  would." 

— "  but  Sir  Marhaus's  spear  held  ;  and  therewith  Sir 
Gawaine  and  his  horse  rushed  down  to  the  earth — " 

"  Just  so — and  brake  his  back." 

— "  and  lightly  Sir  Gawaine  rose  upon  his  feet  and 
pulled  out  his  sword,  and  dressed  him  toward  Sir 
Marhaus  on  foot,  and  therewith  either  came  unto 
other  eagerly,  and  smote  together  with  their  swords, 
that  their  shields  flew  in  cantels,  and  they  bruised 
their  helms  and  their  hauberks,  and  wounded  either 
other.  But  Sir  Gawaine,  fro  it  passed  nine  of  the 
clock,  waxed  by  the  space  of  three  hours  ever  stronger 
and  stronger,  and  thrice  his  might  was  increased.  All 
this  espied  Sir  Marhaus,  and  had  great  wonder  how 
his  might  increased,  and  so  they  wounded  other  pass 
ing  sore ;  and  then  when  it  was  come  noon— 

The  pelting  sing-song  of  it  carried  me  forward  to 
scenes  and  sounds  of  my  boyhood  days: 

"  N-e-e-ew  Haven !  ten  minutes  for  refreshments — 


knductr  '11  strike  the  gong-bell  two  minutes  before 
train  leaves — passengers  for  the  Shore-line  please  take 
seats  in  the  rear  k'yar,  this  k'yar  don't  go  no  furder — 
ahh-p\s,  aw-rn]z,  b'tf#;zners,  s-a-u-tfches,  p op-corn  !" 

— "  and  waxed  past  noon  and  drew  toward  even 
song.  Sir  Gawaine's  strength  feebled  and  waxed 
passing  faint,  that  unnethes  he  might  dure  any  longer, 
and  Sir  Marhaus  was  then  bigger  and  bigger — " 

"Which  strained  his  armor,  of  course  ;  and  yet  little 
would  one  of  these  people  mind  a  small  thing  like 
that." 

— "  and  so,  Sir  Knight,  said  Sir  Marhaus,  I  have 
well  felt  that  ye  are  a  passing  good  knight,  and  a  mar 
vellous  man  of  might  as  ever  I  felt  any,  while  it  last- 
eth,  and  our  quarrels  are  not  great,  and  therefore  it 
were  a  pity  to  do  you  hurt,  for  I  feel  you  are  passing 
feeble.  Ah,  said  Sir  Gawaine,  gentle  knight,  ye  say 
the  word  that  I  should  say.  And  therewith  they  took 
off  their  helms  and  either  kissed  other,  and  there  they 
swore  together  either  to  love  other  as  brethren — " 

But  I  lost  the  thread  there,  and  dozed  off  to  slumber, 
thinking  about  what  a  pity  it  was  that  men  with  such 
superb  strength — strength  enabling  them  to  stand  up 
cased  in  cruelly  burdensome  iron  and  drenched  with 
perspiration,  and  hack  and  batter  and  bang  each  other 
for  six  hours  on  a  stretch — should  not  have  been  born 
at  a  time  when  they  could  put  it  to  some  useful  pur 
pose.  Take  a  jackass,  for  instance  :  a  jackass  has  that 
kind  of  strength,  and  puts  it  to  a  useful  purpose,  and 
is  valuable  to  this  world  because  he  is  a  jackass  ;  but 
a  nobleman  is  not  valuable  because  he  is  a  jackass. 
It  is  a  mixture  that  is  always  ineffectual,  and  should 
never  have  been  attempted  in  the  first  place.  And 


117 

yet,  once  you  start  a  mistake,  the  trouble  is  done  and 
you  never  know  what  is  going  to  come  of  it. 

When  I  came  to  myself  again  and  began-to  listen, 
I  perceived  that  I  had  lost  another  chapter,  and  that 
Alisande  had  wandered  a  long  way  off  with  her 
people. 

"  And  so  they  rode  and  came  into  a  deep  valley  full 
of  stones,  and  thereby  they  saw  a  fair  stream  of  water ; 
above  thereby  was  the  head  of  the  stream,  a  fair  foun 
tain,  and  three  damsels  sitting  thereby.  In  this  coun 
try,  said  Sir  Marhaus,  came  never  knight  since  it  was 
christened,  but  he  found  strange  adventures — " 

"  This  is  not  good  form,  Alisande.  Sir  Marhaus 
the  king's  son  of  Ireland  talks  like  all  the  rest ;  you 
ought  to  give  him  a  brogue,  or  at  least  a  characteris 
tic  expletive  ;  by  this  means  one  would  recognize  him 
as  soon  as  he  spoke,  without  his  ever  being  named. 
It  is  a  common  literary  device  with  the  great  authors. 
You  should  make  him  say,  '  In  this  country,  be  jabers, 
came  never  knight  since  it  was  christened,  but  he 
found  strange  adventures,  be  jabers/  You  see  how 
much  better  that  sounds." 

— "came  never  knight  but  he  found  strange  advent 
ures,  be  jabers.  Of  a  truth  it  doth  indeed,  fair  lord, 
albeit  'tis  passing  hard  to  say,  though  peradventure 
that  will  not  tarry  but  better  speed  with  usage.  And 
then  they  rode  to  the  damsels,  and  either  saluted 
other,  and  the  eldest  had  a  garland  of  gold  about  her 
head,  and  she  was  threescore  winter  of  age  or  more — " 

"  The  damsel  was?" 

"  Even  so,  dear  lord — and  her  hair  was  white  under 
the  garland — " 

"  Celluloid  teeth,  nine  dollars  a  set,  as  like  as  not — 
9CY 


n8 

the  loose-fit  kind,  that  go  up  and  down  like  a  port 
cullis  when  you  eat,  and  fall  out  when  you  laugh." 

"  The  second  damsel  was  of  thirty  winter  of  age, 
with  a  circlet  of  gold  about  her  head.  The  third 
damsel  was  but  fifteen  year  of  age — " 

Billows  of  thought  came  rolling  over  my  soul,  and 
the  voice  faded  out  of  my  hearing ! 

Fifteen  !  Break — my  heart !  oh,  my  lost  darling  ! 
Just  her  age  who  was  so  gentle,  and  lovely,  and  all 
the  world  to  me,  and  whom  I  shall  never  see  again  ! 
How  the  thought  of  her  carries  me  back  over  wide 
seas  of  memory  to  a  vague  dim  time,  a  happy  time,  so 
many,  many  centuries  hence,  when  I  used  to  wake  in 
the  soft  summer  mornings,  out  of  sweet  dreams  of  her, 
and  say  "  Hello,  Central !"  just  to  hear  her  dear  voice 
come  melting  back  to  me  with  a  "  Hello.  Hank  !"  that 
was  music  of  the  spheres  to  my  enchanted  ear.  She 
got  three  dollars  a  week,  but  she  was  worth  it. 

I  could  not  follow  Alisande's  further  explanation  of 
who  our  captured  knights  were,  now — I  mean  in  case 
she  should  ever  get  to  explaining  who  they  were. 
My  interest  was  gone,  my  thoughts  were  far  away, 
and  sad.  By  fitful  glimpses  of  the  drifting  tale, 
caught  here  and  there  and  now  and  then,  I  merely 
noted  in  a  vague  way  that  each  of  these  three  knights 
took  one  of  these  three  damsels  up  behind  him  on  his 
horse,  and  one  rode  north,  another  east,  the  other 
south,  to  seek  adventures,  and  meet  again  and  lie, 
after  year  and  day.  Year  and  day — and  without 
baggage.  It  was  of  a  piece  with  the  general  simplic 
ity  of  the  country. 

The  sun  was  now  setting.  It  was  about  three  in 
the  afternoon  when  Alisande  had  begun  to  tell  me 


who  the  cowboys  were  ;  so  she  had  made  pretty  good 
progress  with  it — for  her.  She  would  arrive  some 
time  or  other,  no  doubt,  but  she  was  not  a  person  who 
could  be  hurried. 

We  were  approaching  a  castle  which  stood  on  high 
ground ;  a  huge,  strong,  venerable  structure,  whose 
gray  towers  and  battlements  were  charmingly  draped 
with  ivy,  and  whose  whole  majestic  mass  was  drenched 
with  splendors  flung  from  the  sinking  sun.  It  was 
the  largest  castle  we  had  seen,  and  so  I  thought  it 
might  be  the  one  we  were  after,  but  Sandy  said  no. 
She  did  not  know  who  owned  it;  she  said  she  had 
passed  it  without  calling,  when  she  went  down  to 
Camelot. 


CHAPTER   XVI 
MORGAN      LE      FAY 

IF  knights  errant  were  to  be  believed,  not  all  castles 
were  desirable  places  to  seek  hospitality  in.  As  a 
matter  of  fact,  knights  errant  were  not  persons  to  be 
believed — that  is,  measured  by  modern  standards  of 
veracity ;  yet,  measured  by  the  standards  of  their  own 
time,  and  scaled  accordingly,  you  got  the  truth.  It 
was  very  simple :  you  discounted  a  statement  ninety- 
seven  per  cent. ;  the  rest  was  fact.  Now  after  mak 
ing  this  allowance,  the  truth  remained  that  if  I  could 
find  out  something  about  a  castle  before  ringing  the 
door-bell  —  I  mean  hailing  the  warders  —  it  was  the 
sensible  thing  to  do.  So  I  was  pleased  when  I  saw  in 
the  distance  a  horseman  making  the  bottom  turn  of 
the  road  that  wound  down  from  this  castle. 

As  we  approached  each  other,  I  saw  that  he  wore  a 
plumed  helmet,  and  seemed  to  be  otherwise  clothed 
in  steel,  but  bore  a  curious  addition  also  —  a  stiff 
square  garment  like  a  herald's  tabard.  However,  I 
had  to  smile  at  my  own  forgetfulness  when  I  got 
nearer  and  read  this  sign  on  his  tabard  : 

"  Persimmons  s  Soap — All  the  Prime-Donne  Use  It." 

,     That  was  a  little  idea  of  my  own,  and  had  several 
wholesome  purposes  in  view  toward  the  civilizing  and 


121 


uplifting  of  this  nation.  In  the  first  place,  it  was  a 
furtive,  underhand  blow  at  this  nonsense  of  knight  er 
rantry,  though  nobody  suspected  that  but  me.  I  had 
started  a  number  of  these  people  out  —  the  bravest 
knights  I  could  get — each  sandwiched  between  bulle 
tin-boards  bearing  one  device  or  another,  and  I  judged 
that  by-and-by  when  they  got  to  be  numerous  enough 
they  would  begin  to  look  ridiculous ;  and  then,  even 
the  steel-clad  ass  that  Jiadrit  any  board  would  himself 
begin  to  look  ridiculous  because  he  was  out  of  the 
fashion. 

Secondly,  these  missionaries  would  gradually,  and 
without  creating  suspicion  or  exciting  alarm,  introduce 
a  rudimentary  cleanliness  among  the  nobility,  and 
from  them  it  would  work  down  to  the  people,  if  the 
priests  could  be  kept  quiet.  This  would  undermine 
the  Church.  I  mean  would  be  a  step  toward  that. 
Next,  education — next,  freedom — and  then  she  would 
begin  to  crumble.  It  being  my  conviction  that  any 
Established  Church  is  an  established  crime,  an  es 
tablished  slave-pen,  I  had  no  scruples,  but  was  willing 
to  assail  it  in  any  way  or  with  any  weapon  that  prom 
ised  to  hurt  it.  Why,  in  my  own  former  day — in 
remote  centuries  not  yet  stirring  in  the  womb  of  time 
—there  were  old  Englishmen  who  imagined  that  they 
had  been  born  in  a  free  country :  a  "  free  "  country 
with  the  Corporation  Act  and  the  Test  still  in  force 
in  it  —  timbers  propped  against  men's  liberties  and 
dishonored  consciences  to  shore  up  an  Established 
Anachronism  with. 

My  missionaries  were  taught  to  spell  out  the  gilt 
signs  on  their  tabards — the  showy  gilding  was  a  neat 
idea,  I  could  have  got  the  king  to  wear  a  bulletin-board 


122 

for  the  sake  of  that  barbaric  splendor — they  were  to 
spell  out  these  signs  and  then  explain  to  the  lords  and 
ladies  what  soap  was  ;  and  if  the  lords  and  ladies 
were  afraid  of  it,  get  them  to  try  it  on  a  dog.  The 
missionary's  next  move  was  to  get  the  family  to 
gether  and  try  it  on  himself;  he  was  to  stop  at  no 
experiment,  however  desperate,  that  could  convince 
the  nobility  that  soap  was  harmless ;  if  any  final  doubt 
remained,  he  must  catch  a  hermit  —  the  woods  were 
full  of  them  ;  saints  they  called  themselves,  and  saints 
they  were  believed  to  be.  They  were  unspeakably 
holy,  and  worked  miracles,  and  everybody  stood  in 
awe  of  them.  If  a  hermit  could  survive  a  wash,  and 
that  failed  to  convince  a  duke,  give  him  up,  let  him 
alone. 

Whenever  my  missionaries  overcame  a  knight  er 
rant  on  the  road  they  washed  him,  and  when  he  got 
well  they  swore  him  to  go  and  get  a  bulletin-board 
and  disseminate  soap  and  civilization  the  rest  of  his 
days.  As  a  consequence^  the  workers  in  the  field 
were  increasing  by  degrees,  and  the  reform  was  steadi 
ly  spreading.  My  soap  factory  felt  the  strain  early. 
At  first  I  had  only  two  hands  ;  but  before  I  had  left 
home  I  was  already  employing  fifteen,  and  running 
night  and  day ;  and  the  atmospheric  result  was  get 
ting  so  pronounced  that  the  king  went  sort  of  faint 
ing  and  gasping  around  and  said  he  did  not  believe 
he  could  stand  it  much  longer,  and  Sir  Launcelot  got 
so  that  he  did  hardly  anything  but  walk  up  and  down 
the  roof  and  swear,  although  I  told  him  it  was  worse 
up  there  than  anywhere  else,  but  he  said  he  wanted 
plenty  of  air;  and  he  was  always  complaining  that  a 
palace  was  no  place  for  a  soap  factory,  anyway,  and 


123 

said  if  a  man  was  to  start  one  in  his  house  he  would 
be  damned  if  he  wouldn't  strangle  him.  There  were 
ladies  present,  too,  but  much  these  people  ever  cared 
for  that ;  they  would  swear  before  children,  if  the 
wind  was  their  way  when  the  factory  was  going. 

This  missionary  knight's  name  was  La  Cote  Male 
Taile,  and  he  said  that  this  castle  was  the  abode  of 
Morgan  le  Fay,  sister  of  King  Arthur,  and  wife  of 
King  LJriens,  monarch  of  a  realm  about  as  big  as  the 
District  of  Columbia  —  you  could  stand  in  the  mid 
dle  of  it  and  throw  bricks  into  the  next  kingdom. 
"  Kings  "  and  "  Kingdoms  "  were  as  thick  in  Britain 
as  they  had  been  in  little  Palestine  in  Joshua's  time, 
when  people  had  to  sleep  with  their  knees  pulled  up 
because  they  couldn't  stretch  out  without  a  passport. 

La  Cote  was  much  depressed,  for  he  had  scored  here 
the  worst  failure  of  his  campaign.  He  had  not  worked 
off  a  cake  ;  yet  he  had  tried  all  the  tricks  of  the  trade, 
even  to  the  washing  of  a  hermit;  but  the  hermit  died. 
This  was  indeed  a  bad  failure,  for  this  animal  would 
now  be  dubbed  a  martyr,  and  would  take  his  place 
among  the  saints  of  the  Roman  calendar.  Thus  made 
he  his  moan,  this  poor  Sir  La  Cote  Male  Taile,  and 
sorrowed  passing  sore.  And  so  my  heart  bled  for  him, 
and  I  was  moved  to  comfort  and  stay  him.  Where 
fore  I  said — 

"  Forbear  to  grieve,  fair  knight,  for  this  is  not  a  de 
feat.  We  have  brains,  you  and  I ;  and  for  such  as 
have  brains  there  are  no  defeats,  but  only  victories. 
Observe  how  we  will  turn  this  seeming  disaster  into 
an  advertisement;  an  advertisement  for  our  soap;  and 
the  biggest  one,  to  draw,  that  was  ever  thought  of; 
an  advertisement  that  will  transform  that  Mount 


124 

Washington  defeat  into  a  Matterhorn  victory.  We 
will  put  on  your  bulletin -board,  '  Patronized  by  the 
Elect!  How  does  that  strike  you  ?" 

"  Verily,  it  is  wonderly  bethought !" 

"  Well,  a  body  is  bound  to  admit  that  for  just  a  mod 
est  little  one-line  ad.,  it's  a  corker." 

So  the  poor  colporteur's  griefs  vanished  away.  He 
was  a  brave  fellow,  and  had  done  mighty  feats  of  arms 
in  his  time.  His  chief  celebrity  rested  upon  the  events 
of  an  excursion  like  this  one  of  mine,  which  he  had 
once  made  with  a  damsel  named  Maledisant,  who 
was  as  handy  with  her  tongue  as  was  Sandy,  though  in 
a  different  way,  for  her  tongue  churned  forth  only  rail 
ings  and  insult,  whereas  Sandy's  music  was  of  a  kind 
lier  sort.  I  knew  his  story  well,  and  so  I  knew  how  to 
interpret  the  compassion  that  was  in  his  face  when  he 
bade  me  farewell.  He  supposed  I  was  having  a  bitter 
hard  time  of  it. 

Sandy  and  I  discussed  his  story,  as  we  rode  along, 
and  she  said  that  La  Cote's  bad  luck  had  begun  with 
the  very  beginning  of  that  trip  ;  for  the  king's  fool  had 
overthrown  him  on  the  first  day,  and  in  such  cases  it 
was  customary  for  the  girl  to  desert  to  the  conqueror, 
but  Maledisant  didn't  do  it ;  and  also  persisted  after 
ward  in  sticking  to  him,  after  all  his  defeats.  But,  said 
I,  suppose  the  victor  should  decline  to  accept  his 
spoil?  She  said  that  that  wouldn't  answer — he  must. 
He  couldn't  decline  ;  it  wouldn't  be  regular.  I  made 
a  note  of  that.  If  Sandy's  music  got  to  be  too  burden 
some,  some  time,  I  would  let  a  knight  defeat  me,  on 
the  chance  that  she  would  desert  to  him. 

In  due  time  we  were  challenged  by  the  warders, 
from  the  castle  walls,  and  after  a  parley  admitted.  I 


•rlllr/ 


«te- 


\\T.    \VKRE    CHAI.I.KNGKD    I'.V    ']  H  K    WARDERS.   AND    AFTKR    PARLEY 
ADMITTED " 


12$ 

have  nothing  pleasant  to  tell  about  that  visit.  But  it 
was  not  a  disappointment,  for  I  knew  Mrs.  le  Fay  by 
reputation,  and  was  not  expecting  anything  pleasant. 
She  was  held  in  awe  by  the  whole  realm,  for  she  had 
made  everybody  believe  she  was  a  great  sorceress. 
All  her  ways  were  wicked,  all  her  instincts  devilish. 
She  was  loaded  to  the  eye -lids  with  cold  malice.  All 
her  history  was  black  with  crime ;  and  among  her 
crimes  murder  was  common.  I  was  most  curious  to 
see  her ;  as  curious  as  I  could  have  been  to  see  Satan. 
To  my  surprise  she  was  beautiful;  black  thoughts  had 
failed  to  make  her  expression  repulsive,  age  had  failed 
to  wrinkle  her  satin  skin  or  mar  its  bloomy  freshness. 
She  could  have  passed  for  old  Urien's  grand-daughter, 
she  could  have  been  mistaken  for  sister  to  her  own 
son. 

As  soon  as  we  were  fairly  within  the  castle  gates 
we  were  ordered  into  her  presence.  King  Uriens  was 
there,  a  kind-faced  old  man  with  a  subdued  look ;  and 
also  the  son,  Sir  Uwaine  le  Blanchemains,  in  whom  I 
was  of  course  interested  on  account  of  the  tradition 
that  he  had  once  done  battle  with  thirty  knights,  and 
also  on  account  of  his  trip  with  Sir  Gawaine  and  Sir 
Marhaus,  which  Sandy  had  been  aging  me  with.  But 
Morgan  was  the  main  attraction,  the  conspicuous  per 
sonality  here;  she  was  head  chief  of  this  household,  that 
was  plain.  She  caused  us  to  be  seated,  and  then  she 
began,  with  all  manner  of  pretty  graces  and  gracious- 
nesses,  to  ask  me  questions.  Dear  me,  it  was  like  a 
bird  or  a  flute,  or  something,  talking.  I  felt  persuad 
ed  that  this  woman  must  have  been  misrepresented,  lied 
about.  She  trilled  along,  and  trilled  along,  and  present 
ly  a  handsome  young  page,  clothed  like  the  rainbow,  and 


126 

as  easy  and  undulatory  of  movement  as  a  wave,  came 
with  something  on  a  golden  salver,  and  kneeling  to 
present  it  to  her,  overdid  his  graces  and  lost  his  bal 
ance,  and  so  fell  lightly  against  her  knee.  She  slipped 
a  dirk  into  him  in  as  matter-of-course  a  way  as  another 
person  would  have  harpooned  a  rat ! 

Poor  child,  he  slumped  to  the  floor,  twisted  his  silk 
en  limbs  in  one  great  straining  contortion  of  pain,  and 
was  dead.  Out  of  the  old  king  was  wrung  an  involun 
tary  "  O-h !"  of  compassion.  The  look  he  got,  made 
him  cut  it  suddenly  short  and  jiot  put  any  more  hy 
phens  in  it.  S.ir  Uwaine,  at  a  sign  from  his  mother, 
went  to  the  ante -room  and  called  some  servants,  and 
meanwhile  madame  went  rippling  sweetly  along  with 
her  talk. 

I  saw  that  she  was  a  good  housekeeper,  for  while 
she  talked  she  kept  a  corner  of  her  eye  on  the  servants 
to  see  that  they  made  no  balks  in  handling  the  body 
and  getting  it  out ;  when  they  came  with  fresh  clean 
towels,  she  sent  back  for  the  other  kind  ;  and  when 
they  had  finished  wiping  the  floor  and  were  going,  she 
indicated  a  crimson  fleck  the  size  of  a  tear  which  their 
duller  eyes  had  overlooked.  It  was  plain  to  me  that 
La  Cote  Male  Taile  had  failed  to  see  the  mistress  of 
the  house.  Often,  how  louder  and  clearer  than  any 
tongue,  does  dumb  circumstantial  evidence  speak. 

Morgan  le  Fay  rippled  along  as  musically  as  ever. 
Marvellous  woman.  And  what  a  glance  she  had :  when 
it  fell  in  reproof  upon  those  servants,  they  shrunk 
and  quailed  as  timid  people  do  when  the  lightning 
flashes  out  of  a  cloud.  I  could  have  got  the  habit 
myself.  It  was  the  same  with  that  poor  old  .Brer 
Uriens;  he  was  always  on  the  ragged  edge  of  appre- 


KING   URIENS 


127 


hension ;  she  could  not  even  turn  toward  him  but  he 
winced. 

In  the  midst  of  the  talk  I  let  drop  a  complimentary 
word  about  King  Arthur,  forgetting  for  the  moment 
how  this  woman  hated  her  brother.  That  one  little 
compliment  was  enough.  She  clouded  up  like  a 
storm  ;  she  called  for  her  guards,  and  said — 

"  Hale  me  these  varlets  to  the  dungeons." 

That  struck  cold  on  my  ears,  for  her  dungeons  had 
a  reputation.  Nothing  occurred  to  me  to  say — or  do. 
But  not  so  with  Sandy.  As  the  guard  laid  a  hand 
upon  me,  she  piped  up  with  the  tranquilest  confi 
dence,  and  said — 

"  God's  wownds,  dost  thou  covet  destruction,  thou 
maniac?  It  is  The  Boss  !" 

Now  what  a  happy  idea  that  was ! — and  so  simple  ; 
yet  it  would  never  have  occurred  to  me.  I  was  born 
modest ;  not  all  over,  but  in  spots ;  and  this  was  one 
of  the  spots. 

The  effect  upon  madame  was  electrical.  It  cleared 
her  countenance  and  brought  back  her  smiles  and  all 
her  persuasive  graces  and  blandishments  ;  but  never 
theless  she  was  not  able  to  entirely  cover  up  with 
them  the  fact  that  she  was  in  a  ghastly  fright.  She 
said : 

"  La,  but  do  list  to  thine  handmaid !  as  if  one  gift 
ed  with  powers  like  to  mine  might  say  the  thing  which 
I  have  said  unto  one  who  has  vanquished  Merlin,  and 
not  be  jesting.  By  mine  enchantments  I  foresaw  your 
coming,  and  by  them  I  knew  you  when  you  entered 
here.  I  did  but  play  this  little  jest  with  hope  to  sur 
prise  you  into  some  display  of  your  art,  as  not  doubt 
ing  you  would  blast  the  guards  v/ith  occult  fires,  con- 


128 


suming  them  to  ashes  on  the  spot,  a  marvel  much 
beyond  mine  own  ability,  yet  one  which  I  have  long 
been  childishly  curious  to  see."' 

The  guards  were  less  curious,  and  got  out  as  soon 
as  they  got  permission. 


CHAPTER  XVII 
A    ROYAL    BANQUET 

MADAME  seeing  me  pacific  and  unresentful,  no  doubt 
judged  that  I  was  deceived  by  her  excuse ;  for  her 
fright  dissolved  away,  and  she  was  soon  so  importu 
nate  to  have  me  give  an  exhibition  and  kill  somebody, 
that  the  thing  grew  to  be  embarrassing.  However,  to 
my  relief  she  was  presently  interrupted  by  the  call  to 
prayers.  I  will  say  this  much  for  the  nobility :  that, 
tyrannical,  murderous,  rapacious  and  morally  rotten 
as  they  were,  they  were  deeply  and  enthusiastically 
religious.  Nothing  could  divert  them  from  the  regu 
lar  and  faithful  performance  of  the  pieties  enjoined 
by  the  Church.  More  than  once  I  had  seen  a  noble 
who  had  gotten  his  enemy  at  a  disadvantage,  stop  to 
pray  before  cutting  his  throat ;  more  than  once  I  had 
seen  a  noble,  after  ambushing  and  despatching  his  en 
emy,  retire  to  the  nearest  wayside  shrine  and  humbly 
give  thanks,  without  even  waiting  to  rob  the  body. 
There  was  to  be  nothing  finer  or  sweeter  in  the  life  of 
even  Benvenuto  Cellini,  that  rough -hewn  saint,  ten 
centuries  later.  All  the  nobles  of  Britain,  with  their 
families,  attended  divine  service  morning  and  night  dai 
ly,  in  their  private  chapels,  and  even  the  worst  of  them 
had  family  worship  five  or  six  times  a  day  besides. 
The  credit  of  this  belonged  entirely  to  the  Church. 

9CY 


I3Q 

Although  I  was  no  friend  to  that  Catholic  Church,  I 
was  obliged  to  admit  this.  And  often,  in  spite  of  me, 
I  found  myself  saying,  "  What  would  this  country  be 
without  the  Church  ?" 

After  prayers  we  had  dinner  in  a  great  banqueting 
hall  which  was  lighted  by  hundreds  of  grease-jets,  and 
everything  was  as  fine  and  lavish  and  rudely  splendid 
as  might  become  the  royal  degree  of  the  hosts.  At 
the  head  of  the  hall,  on  a  dais,  was  the  table  of  the 
king,  queen,  and  their  son,  Prince  Uwaine.  Stretch 
ing  down  the  hall  from  this,  was  the  general  table,  on 
the  floor.  At  this,  above  the  salt,  sat  the  visiting  no 
bles  and  the  grown  members  of  their  families,  of  both 
sexes, — the  resident  Court,  in  effect — sixty-one  persons; 
below  the  salt  sat  minor  officers  of  the  household,  with 
their  principal  subordinates  :  altogether  a  hundred  and 
eighteen  persons  sitting,  and  about  as  many  liveried 
servants  standing  behind  their  chairs,  or  serving  in  one 
capacity  or  another.  It  was  a  very  fine  show.  In  a 
gallery  a  band  with  cymbals,  horns,  harps  and  other 
horrors,  opened  the  proceedings  with  what  seemed  to 
be  the  crude  first-draft  or  original  agony  of  the  wail 
known  to  later  centuries  as  "  In  the  Sweet  Bye  and 
Bye."  It  was  new,  and  ought  to  have  been  rehearsed 
a  little  more.  For  some  reason  or  other  the  queen 
had  the  composer  hanged,  after  dinner. 

After  this  music,  the  priest  who  stood  behind  the 
royal  table  said  a  noble  long  grace  in  ostensible  Latin. 
Then  the  battalion  of  waiters  broke  away  from  their 
posts,  and  darted,  rushed,  flew,  fetched  and  carried, 
and  the  mighty  feeding  began  ;  no  words  anywhere, 
but  absorbing  attention  to  business.  The  rows  of 
chops  opened  and  shut  in  vast  unison,  and  the  sound 


of  it  was  like  to  the  muffled  burr  of  subterranean  ma 
chinery. 

The  havoc  continued  an  hour  and  a  half,  and  un 
imaginable  was  the  destruction  of  substantiate.  Of 
the  chief  feature  of  the  feast — the  huge  wild  boar  that 
lay  stretched  out  so  portly  and  imposing  at  the  start — 
nothing  was  left  but  the  semblance  of  a  hoop-skirt ; 
and  he  was  but  the  type  and  symbol  of  what  had  hap 
pened  to  all  the  other  dishes. 

With  the  pastries  and  so-on,  the  heavy  drinking  be 
gan — and  the  talk.  Gallon  after  gallon  of  wine  and 
mead  disappeared,  and  everybody  got  comfortable, 
then  happy,  then  sparklingly  joyous — both  sexes,— 
and  by-and-by  pretty  noisy.  Men  told  anecdotes 
that  were  terrific  to  hear,  but  nobody  blushed ;  and 
when  the  nub  was  sprung,  the  assemblage  let  go  with 
a  horse-laugh  that  shook  the  fortress.  Ladies  answer 
ed  back  with  historiettes  that  would  almost  have  made 
Queen  Margaret  of  Navarre  or  even  the  great  Eliza 
beth  of  England  hide  behind  a  handkerchief,  but  no 
body  hid  here,  but  only  laughed — howled,  you  may 
say.  In  pretty  much  all  of  these  dreadful  stories,  ec 
clesiastics  were  the  hardy  heroes,  but  that  didn't  worry 
the  chaplain  any,  he  had  his  laugh  with  the  rest ;  more 
than  that,  upon  invitation  he  roared  out  a  song  which 
was  of  as  daring  a  sort  as  any  that  was  sung  that  night. 

By  midnight  everybody  was  fagged  out,  and  sore 
with  laughing;  and  as  a  rule,  drunk:  some  weepingly, 
some  affectionately,  some  hilariously,  some  quarrel 
somely,  some  dead  and  under  the  table.  Of  the  ladies, 
the  worst  spectacle  was  a  lovely  young  duchess,  whose 
wedding-eve  this  was  ;  and  indeed  she  was  a  spectacle, 
sure  enough.  Just  as  she  was  she  could  have  sat  in 


132 

advance  for  the  portrait  of  the  young  daughter  of  the 
Regent  d'Orleans,  at  the  famous  dinner  whence  she 
was  carried,  foul-mouthed,  intoxicated  and  helpless, 
to  her  bed,  in  the  lost  and  lamented  days  of  the  An 
cient  Regime. 

Suddenly,  even  while  the  priest  was  lifting  his  hands, 
and  all  conscious  heads  were  bowed  in  reverent  ex 
pectation  of  the  coming  blessing,  there  appeared  under 
the  arch  of  the  far-off  door  at  the  bottom  of  the  hall, 
an  old  and  bent  and  white-haired  lady,  leaning  upon 
a  crutch-stick ;  and  she  lifted  the  stick  and  pointed  it 
toward  the  queen  and  cried  out — 

"  The  wrath  and  curse  of  God  fall  upon  you,  wom 
an  without  pity,  who  have  slain  mine  innocent  grand 
child  and  made  desolate  this  old  heart  that  had  nor 
chick  nor  friend  nor  stay  nor  comfort  in  all  this  world 
but  him !" 

Everybody  crossed  himself  in  a  grisly  fright,  for  a 
curse  was  an  awful  thing  to  those  people  ;  but  the 
queen  rose  up  majestic,  with  the  death-light  in  her  eye, 
and  flung  back  this  ruthless'command  : 

"  Lay  hands  on  her  !     To  the  stake  with  her  !" 

The  guards  left  their  posts  to  obey.  It  was  a  shame  ; 
it  was  a  cruel  thing  to  see.  What  could  be  done  ? 
Sandy  gave  me  a  look;  I  knew  she  had  another  in 
spiration.  I  said — 

"  Do  what  you  choose." 

She  was  up  and  facing  toward  the  queen  in  a  mo 
ment.  She  indicated  me,  and  said  : 

"  Madame,  he  saith  this  may  not  be.  Recall  the 
commandment,  or  he  will  dissolve  the  castle  and 
it  shall  vanish  away  like  the  instable  fabric  of  a 
dream !" 


133 

Confound  it,  what  a  crazy  contract  to  pledge  a  per 
son  to  !  What  if  the  queen — 

But  my  consternation  subsided  there,  and  my  panic 
passed  off;  for  the  queen,  all  in  a  collapse,  made  no 
show  of  resistance  but  gave  a  countermanding  sign 
and  sunk  into  her  seat.  When  she  reached  it  she  was 
sober.  So  were  many  of  the  others.  The  assemblage 
rose,  whiffed  ceremony  to  the  winds,  and  rushed  for 
the  door  like  a  mob ;  overturning  chairs,  smashing 
crockery,  tugging,  struggling,  shouldering,  crowding — 
anything  to  get  out  before  I  should  change  my  mind 
and  puff  the  castle  into  the  measureless  dim  vacancies 
of  space.  Well,  well,  well,  they  were  a  superstitious 
lot.  It  is  all  a  body  can  do  to  conceive  of  it. 

The  poor  queen  was  so  scared  and  humbled  that  she  , 
was  even  afraid  to  hang  the  composer  without  first 
consulting  me.  I  was  very  sorry  for  her — indeed  any 
one  would  have  been,  for  she  was  really  suffering ;  so 
I  was  willing  to  do  anything  that  was  reasonable,  and 
had  no  desire  to  carry  things  to  wanton  extremities. 
I  therefore  considered  the  matter  thoughtfully,  and 
ended  by  having  the  musicians  ordered  into  our  pres 
ence  to  play  that  Sweet  Bye  and  Bye  again,  which 
they  did.  Then  I  saw  that  she  was  right,  and  gave 
her  permission  to  hang  the  whole  band.  This  little 
relaxation  of  sternness  had  a  good  effect  upon  the 
queen.  A  statesman  gains  little  by  the  arbitrary  ex 
ercise  of  iron-clad  authority  upon  all  occasions  that 
offer,  for  this  wounds  the  just  pride  of  his  subordi 
nates,  and  thus  tends  to  undermine  his  strength.  A 
little  concession,  now  and  then,  where  it  can  do  no 
harm,  is  the  wiser  policy. 

Now  that  the  queen  was  at  ease  in  her  mind  once 

10  CY 


134 

more,  and  measurably  happy,  her  wine  naturally  be 
gan  to  assert  itself  again,  and  it  got  a  little  the  start 
of  her.  I  mean  it  set  her  music  going — her  silver  bell 
of  a  tongue.  Dear  me,  she  was  a  master  talker.  It 
would  not  become  me  to  suggest  that  it  was  pretty 
late  and  that  I  was  a  tired  man  and  very  sleepy.  I 
wished  I  had  gone  off  to  bed  when  I  had  the  chance. 
Now  I  must  stick  it  out ;  there  was  no  other  way.  So 
she  tinkled  along  and  along,  in  the  otherwise  profound 
and  ghostly  hush  of  the  sleeping  castle,  until  by-and- 
by  there  came,  as  if  from  deep  down  under  us,  a  far 
away  sound,  as  of  a  muffled  shriek — with  an  expres 
sion  of  agony  about  it  that  made  my  flesh  crawl.  The 
queen  stopped,  and  her  eyes  lighted  with  pleasure ; 
she  tilted  her  graceful  head  as  a  bird  does  when  it 
listens.  The  sound  bored  its  way  up  through  the  still 
ness  again. 

"What  is  it?"  I  said. 

"  It  is  truly  a  stubborn  soul,  and  endureth  long.  It 
is  many  hours  now." 

"  Endureth  what  ?" 

"  The  rack.  Come — ye  shall  see  a  blithe  sight.  An 
he  yield  not  his  secret  now,  ye  shall  see  him  torn 
asunder." 

What  a  silky  smooth  hellion  she  was ;  and  so  com 
posed  and  serene,  when  the  cords  all  down  my  legs 
were  hurting  in  sympathy  with  that  man's  pain.  Con 
ducted  by  mailed  guards  bearing  flaring  torches,  we 
tramped  along  echoing  corridors,  and  down  stone 
stirways  dank  and  dripping,  and  smelling  of  mould 
and  ages  of  imprisoned  night — a  chill,  uncanny  jour 
ney  and  a  long  one,  and  not  made  the  shorter  or  the 
cheerier  by  the  sorceress's  talk,  which  was  about  this 


135 

sufferer  and  his  crime.  He  had  been  accused  by  an 
anonymous  informer,  of  having  killed  a  stag  in  the 
royal  preserves.  I  said— 

"  Anonymous  testimony  isn't  just  the  right  thing, 
your  Highness.  It  were  fairer  to  confront  the  accused 
with  the  accuser." 

"I  had  not  thought  of  that,  it  being  but  of  small 
consequence.  But  an  I  would,  I  could  not,  for  that 
the  accuser  came  masked  by  night,  and  told  the  for 
ester,  and  straightway  got  him  hence  again,  and  so  the 
forester  knoweth  him  not." 

"  Then  is  this  Unknown  the  only  person  who  saw 
the  stag  killed  ?" 

"  Marry,  no  man  saw  the  killing,  but  this  Unknown 
saw  this  hardy  wretch  near  to  the  spot  where  the  stag 
lay,  and  came  with  right  loyal  zeal  and  betrayed  him 
to  the  forester." 

"  So  the  Unknown  was  near  the  dead  stag,  too  ? 
Isn't  it  just  possible  that  he  did  the  killing  himself? 
His  loyal  zeal — in  a  mask — looks  just  a  shade  suspi 
cious.  But  what  is  your  Highness's  idea  for  racking 
the  prisoner?  Where  is  the  profit  ?" 

"  He  will  not  confess,  else  ;  and  then  were  his  soul 
lost.  For  his  crime  his  life  is  forfeited  by  the  law — 
and  of  a  surety  will  I  see  that  he  payeth  it ! — but  it 
were  peril  to  my  own  soul  to  let  him  die  unconfessed 
and  unabsolved.  Nay,  I  were  a  fool  to  fling  me  into 
hell  for  his  accommodation." 

"  But,  your  Highness,  suppose  he  has  nothing  to 
confess?" 

"  As  to  that,  we  shall  see,  anon.  An  I  rack  him  to 
death  and  he  confess  not,  it  will  peradventure  show 
that  he  had  indeed  naught  to  confess — ye  will  grant 


136 

that  that  is  sooth?  Then  shall  I  not  be  damned  for 
an  unconfessed  man  that  had  naught  to  confess — 
wherefore,  I  shall  be  safe." 

It  was  the  stubborn  unreasoning  of  the  time.  It 
was  useless  to  argue  with  her.  Arguments  have  no 
chance  against  petrified  training;  they  wear  it  as  little 
as  the  waves  wear  a  cliff.  And  her  training  was  every 
body's.  The  brightest  intellect  in  the  land  would  not 
have  been  able  to  see  that  her  position  was  defective. 

As  we  entered  the  rack-cell  I  caught  a  picture  that 
will  not  go  from  me;  I  wish  it  would.  A  native 
young  *giant  of  thirty  or  thereabouts,  lay  stretched 
upon  the  frame  on  his  back,  with  his  wrists  and  ankles 
tied  to  ropes  which  led  over  windlasses  at  either  end. 
There  was  no  color  in  him ;  his  features  were  con 
torted  and  set,  and  sweat-drops  stood  upon  his  fore 
head.  A  priest  bent  over  him  on  each  side ;  the  exe 
cutioner  stood  by ;  guards  were  on  duty ;  smoking 
torches  stood  in  sockets  along  the  walls ;  in  a  corner 
crouched  a  poor  young  creature,  her  face  drawn  with 
anguish,  a  half-wild  and  hunted  look  in  her  eyes,  and 
in  her  lap  lay  a  little  child  asleep.  Just  as  we  stepped 
across  the  threshold  the  executioner  gave  his  machine 
a  slight  turn,  which  wrung  a  cry  from  both  the  prisoner 
and  the  woman  ;  but  I  shouted  and  the  executioner 
released  the  strain  without  waiting  to  see  who  spoke. 
I  could  not  let  this  horror  go  on ;  it  would  have  killed 
me  to  see  it.  I  asked  the  queen  to  let  me  clear  the 
place  and  speak  to  the  prisoner  privately  ;  and  when 
she  was  going  to  object  I  spoke  in  a  low  voice  and 
said  I  did  not  want  to  make  a  scene  before  her  ser 
vants,  but  I  must  have  my  way ;  for  I  was  King  Ar 
thur's  representative,  and  was  speaking  in  his  name. 


137 

She  saw  she  had  to  yield.  I  asked  her  to  indorse  me 
to  these  people,  and  then  leave  me.  It  was  not  pleas 
ant  for  her,  but  she  took  the  pill ;  and  even  went  fur 
ther  than  I  was  meaning  to  require.  I  only  wanted 
the  backing  of  her  own  authority ;  but  she  said — 

"  Ye  will  do  in  all  things  as  this  lord  shall  com 
mand.  It  is  The  Boss." 

It  was  certainly  a  good  word  to  conjure  with :  you 
could  see  it  by  the  squirming  of  these  rats.  The 
queen's  guards  fell  into  line,  and  she  and  they  marched 
away,  with  their  torch-bearers,  and  woke  the  echoes 
of  the  cavernous  tunnels  with  the  measured  beat  of 
their  retreating  foot-falls.  I  had  the  prisoner  taken 
from  the  rack  and  placed  upon  his  bed,  and  medica 
ments  applied  to  his  hurts,  and  wine  given  him  to 
drink.  The  woman  crept  near  and  looked  on,  eagerly, 
lovingly,  but  timorously, — like  one  who  fears  a  re 
pulse  ;  indeed,  she  tried  furtively  to  touch  the  man's 
forehead,  and  jumped  back,  the  picture  of  fright,  when  I 
turned  unconsciously  toward  her.  It  was  pitiful  to  see. 

"  Lord,"  I  said,  "  stroke  him,  lass,  if  you  want  to. 
Do  anything  you're  a  mind  to ;  don't  mind  me." 

Why,  her  eyes  were  as  grateful  as  an  animal's,  when 
you  do  it  a  kindness  that  it  understands.  The  baby 
was  out  of  her  way  and  she  had  her  cheek  against  the 
man's  in  a  minute,  and  her  hands  fondling  his  hair, 
and  her  happy  tears  running  down.  The  man  revived, 
and  caressed  his  wife  with  his  eyes,  which  was  all  he 
could  do.  I  judged  I  might  clear  the  den,  now,  and  I 
did  ;  cleared  it  of  all  but  the  family  and  myself.  Then 
I  said — 

"Now  my  friend,  tell  me  your  side  of  this  matter; 
I  know  the  other  side." 


The  man  moved  his  head  in  sign  of  refusal.  But 
the  woman  looked  pleased — as  it  seemed  to  me — 
pleased  with  my  suggestion.  I  went  on : 

"You  know  of  me?" 

"  Yes.     All  do,  in  Arthur's  realms." 

"  If  my  reputation  has  come  to  you  right  and 
straight,  you  should  not  be  afraid  to  speak." 

The  woman  broke  in,  eagerly : 

"  Ah,  fair  my  lord,  do  thou  persuade  him  !  Thou 
canst  an  thou  wilt.  Ah,  he  suffereth  so  ;  and  it  is  for 
me — for  me  !  And  how  can  I  bear  it  ?  I  would  I 
might  see  him  die — a  sweet,  swift  death ;  oh,  my 
Hugo,  I  cannot  bear  this  one  !" 

And  she  fell  to  sobbing  and  grovelling  about  my 
feet,  and  still  imploring.  Imploring  what  ?  The 
man's  death?  I  could  not  quite  get  the  bearings  of 
the  thing.  But  Hugo  interrupted  her  and  said — 

"  Peace !  Ye  wit  not  what  ye  ask.  Shall  I  starve 
whom  I  love,  to  win  a  gentle  death?  I  wend  thou 
knewest  me  better." 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  I  can't  quite  make  this  out.  It  is 
a  puzzle.  Now — " 

"  Ah,  dear  my  lord,  an  ye  will  but  persuade  him ! 
Consider  how  these  his  tortures  wound  me  !  Oh,  and 
he  will  not  speak! — whereas,  the  healing,  the  solace 
that  lie  in  a  blessed  swift  death — " 

"  What  are  you  maundering  about  ?  He's  going 
out  from  here  a  free  man  and  whole — he's  not  going 
to  die." 

The  man's  white  face  lit  up,  and  the  woman  flung 
herself  at  me  in  a  most  surprising  explosion  of  joy, 
and  cried  out — 

"  He  is  saved ! — for  it   is  the  king's  word  by  the 


139 

mouth  of  the  king's  servant — Arthur,  the  king  whose 
word  is  gold !" 

"  Well,  then  you  do  believe  I  can  be  trusted,  after 
all.  Why  didn't  you  before?" 

"  Who  doubted  ?     Not  I,  indeed  ;  and  not  she." 

"  Well,  why  wouldn't  you  tell  me  your  story,  then  ?" 

"Ye  had  made  no  promise;  else  had  it  been  other 
wise." 

"  I  see,  I  see.  .  .  .  And  yet  I  believe  I  don't  quite 
see,  after  all.  You  stood  the  torture  and  refused  to 
confess ;  which  shows  plain  enough  to  even  the  dullest 
understanding  that  you  had  nothing  to  confess — 

"/,  my  lord?  How  so?  It  was  I  that  killed  the 
deer !" 

"You  did?  Oh,  dear,  this  is  the  most  mixed-up 
business  that  ever — " 

"  Dear  lord,  I  begged  him  on  my  knees  to  confess, 
but—" 

"  You  did  !  It  gets  thicker  and  thicker.  What  did 
you  want  him  to  do  that  for?" 

"  Sith  it  would  bring  him  a  quick  death  and  save 
him  all  this  cruel  pain." 

"  Well — yes,  there  is  reason  in  that.  But  he  didn't 
want  the  quick  death." 

"  He ?     Why,  of  a  surety  he  did" 

"  Well,  then,  why  in  the  world  didnt  he  confess?" 

"  Ah,  sweet  sir,  and  leave  my  wife  and  chick  without 
bread  and  shelter?" 

"Oh,  heart  of  gold,  now  I  see  it!  The  bitter  law 
takes  the  convicted  man's  estate  and  beggars  his  wid 
ow  and  his  orphans.  They  could  torture  you  to  death, 
but  without  conviction  or  confession  they  could  not 
rob  your  wife  and  baby.  You  stood  by  them  like  a 


man  ;  and  you — true  wife  and  true  woman  that  you 
are — you  would  have  bought  him  release  from  torture 
at  cost  to  yourself  of  slow  starvation  and  death — well, 
it  humbles  a  body  to  think  what  your  sex  can  do 
when  it  comes  to  self-sacrifice.  I'll  book  you  both  for 
my  colony ;  you'll  like  it  there  ;  it's  a  Factory  where 
I'm  going  to  turn  groping  and  grubbing  automata 
into  men" 


CHAPTER    XVIII 
IN  THE  QUEEN'S  DUNGEONS 

WELL,  I  arranged  all  that ;  and  I  had  the  man  sent 
to  his  home.  I  had  a  great  desire  to  rack  the  execu 
tioner  ;  not  because  he  was  a  good,  pains-taking  and 
pain-giving  official, — for  surely  it  was  not  to  his  dis 
credit  that  he  performed  his  functions  well — but  to 
pay  him  back  for  wantonly  cuffing  and  otherwise  dis 
tressing  that  young  woman.  The  priests  told  me 
about  this,  and  were  generously  hot  to  have  him  pun 
ished.  Something  of  this  disagreeable  sort  was  turn 
ing  up  every  now  and  then.  I  mean,  episodes  that 
showed  that  not  all  priests  were  frauds  and  self-seekers, 
but  that  many,  even  the  great  majority,  of  these  that 
were  down  on  the  ground  among  the  common  people, 
were  sincere  and  right-hearted,  and  devoted  to  the 
alleviation  of  human  troubles  and  sufferings.  Well, 
it  was  a  thing  which  could  not  be  helped,  so  I  seldom 
fretted  about  it,  and  never  many  minutes  at  a  time ; 
it  has  never  been  my  way  to  bother  much  about 
things  which  you  can't  cure.  But  I  did  not  like  it, 
for  it  was  just  the  sort  of  thing  to  keep  people  recon 
ciled  to  an  Established  Church.  We  must  have  a  re 
ligion — it  goes  without  saying  —  but  my  idea  is,  to 
have  it  cut  up  into  forty  free  sects,  so  that  they  will 
police  each  other,  as  had  been  the  case  in  the  United 


142 

States  in  my  time.  Concentration  of  power  in  a  politi 
cal  machine  is  bad ;  and  an  Established  Church  is 
only  a  political  machine ;  it  was  invented  for  that ;  it 
is  nursed,  cradled,  preserved  for  that ;  it  is  an  enemy 
to  human  liberty,  and  does  no  good  which  it  could 
not  better  do  in  a  split-up  and  scattered  condition. 
That  wasn't  law ;  it  wasn't  gospel :  it  was  only  an 
opinion — my  opinion,  and  I  was  only  a  man,  one  man  : 
so  it  wasn't  worth  any  more  than  the  pope's — or  any 
less,  for  that  matter. 

Well,  I  couldn't  rack  the  executioner,  neither  would 
I  overlook  the  just  complaint  of  the  priests.  The 
man  must  be  punished  somehow  or  other,  so  I  de 
graded  him  from  his  office  and  made  him  leader  of 
the  band — the  new  one  that  was  to  be  started.  He 
begged  hard,  and  said  he  couldn't  play — a  plausible 
excuse,  but  too  thin  ;  there  wasn't  a  musician  in  the 
country  that  could. 

The  queen  was  a  good  deal  outraged,  next  morning, 
when  she  found  she  was  going  to  have  neither  Hugo's 
life  nor  his  property.  But  I  told  her  she  must  bear 
this  cross ;  that  while  by  law  and  custom  she  certainly 
was  entitled  to  both  the  man's  life  and  his  property, 
there  were  extenuating  circumstances,  and  so  in  Arthur 
the  king's  name  I  had  pardoned  him.  The  deer  was 
ravaging  the  man's  fields,  and  he  had  killed  it  in 
sudden  passion,  and  not  for  gain;  and  he  had  carried 
it  into  the  royal  forest  in  the  hope  that  that  might 
make  detection  of  the  misdoer  impossible.  Confound 
her,  I  couldn't  make  her  see  that  sudden  passion  is 
an  extenuating  circumstance  in  the  killing  of  veni 
son — or  of  a  person — so  I  gave  it  up  and  let  her  sulk 
it  out.  I  did  think  I  was  going  to  make  her  see  it  by 


U3 

remarking  that  her  own  sudden  passion  in  the  case  of 
the  page  modified  that  crime. 

"  Crime !"  she  exclaimed.  "  How  thoii  talkest ! 
Crime,  forsooth  !  Man,  I  am  going  to  pay  for  him  !" 

Oh,  it  was  no  use  to  waste  sense  on  her.  Training — 
training  is  everything ;  training  is  all  there  is  to  a 
person.  We  speak  of  nature  ;  it  is  folly ;  there  is  no 
such  thing  as  nature ;  what  we  call  by  that  mislead 
ing  name  is  merely  heredity  and  training.  We  have 
no  thoughts  of  our  own,  no  opinions  of  our  own;  they 
are  transmitted  to  us,  trained  into  us.  All  that  is 
original  in  us,  and  therefore  fairly  creditable  or  dis 
creditable  to  us,  can  be  covered  up  and  hidden  by 
the  point  of  a  cambric  needle,  all  the  rest  being  atoms 
contributed  by,  and  inherited  from,  a  procession  of 
ancestors  that  stretches  back  a  billion  years  to  the 
Adam-clam  or  grasshopper  or  monkey  from  whom  our 
race  has  been  so  tediously  and  ostentatiously  and  un- 
profitably  developed.  And  as  for  me,  all  that  I  think 
about  in  this  plodding  sad  pilgrimage,  this  pathetic 
drift  between  the  eternities,  is  to  look  out  and  humbly 
live  a  pure  and  high  and  blameless  life,  and  save  that 
one  microscopic  atom  in  me  that  is  truly  me :  the 
rest  may  land  in  Sheol  and  welcome  for  all  I  care. 

No,  confound  her,  her  intellect  was  good,  she  had 
brains  enough,  but  her  training  made  her  an  ass — 
that  is,  from  a  many-centuries-later  point  of  view.  To 
kill  the  page  was  no  crime  —  it  was  her  right ;  and 
upon  her  right  she  stood,  serenely  and  unconscious 
of  offence.  She  was  a  result  of  generations  of  train 
ing  in  the  unexamined  and  unassailed  belief  that  the 
law  which  permitted  her  to  kill  a  subject  when  she 
chose  was  a  perfectly  right  and  righteous  one. 


144' 

Well,  we  must  give  even  Satan  his  due.  She  de 
served  a  compliment  for  one  thing ;  and  I  tried  to 
pay  it,  but  the  words  stuck  in  my  throat.  She  had 
a  right  to  kill  the  boy,  but  she  was  in  no  wise  obliged 
to  pay  for  him.  That  was  law  for  some  other  people, 
but  not  for  her.  She  knew  quite  well  that  she  was 
doing  a  large  and  generous  thing  to  pay  for  that  lad, 
and  that  I  ought  in  common  fairness  to  come  out 
with  something  handsome  about  it,  but  I  couldn't — 
my  mouth  refused.  I  couldn't  help  seeing,  in  my 
fancy,  that  poor  old  grandma  with  the  broken  heart, 
and  that  fair  young  creature  lying  butchered,  his  little 
silken  pomps  and  vanities  laced  with  his  golden  blood. 
How  could  she  pay  for  him !  Whom  could  she  pay? 
And  so,  well  knowing  that  this  woman,  trained  as  she 
had  been,  deserved  praise,  even  adulation,  I  was  yet 
not  able  to  utter  it,  trained  as  /  had  been.  The  best 
I  could  do  was  to  fish  up  a  compliment  from  out 
side,  so  to  speak — and  the  pity  of  it  was,  that  it  was 
true: 

"  Madame,  your  people  will  adore  you  for  this." 
Quite  true,  but  I  meant  to  hang  her  for  it  some 
day,  if  I  lived.  Some  of  those  laws  were  too  bad, 
altogether  too  bad.  A  master  might  kill  his  slave  for 
nothing :  for  mere  spite,  malice,  or  to  pass  the  time — 
just  as  we  have  seen  that  the  crowned  head  could  do 
it  with  his  slave,  that  is  to  say,  anybody.  A  gentle 
man  could  kill  a  free  commoner,  and  pay  for  him — 
cash  or  garden-truck.  A  noble  could  kill  a  noble 
without  expense,  as  far  as  the  law  was  concerned,  but 
reprisals  in  kind  were  to  be  expected.  Anybody 
could  kill  somebody,  except  the  commoner  and  the 
slave;  these  had  no  privileges.  If  they  killed,  it  was 


us 

murder,  and  the  law  wouldn't  stand  murder.  It  made 
short  work  of  the  experimenter — and  of  his  family 
too,  if  he  murdered  somebody  who  belonged  up 
among  the  ornamental  ranks.  If  a  commoner  gave 
a  noble  even  so  much  as  a  Damiens-scratch  which 
didn't  kill  or  even  hurt,  he  got  Damiens's  dose  for  it 
just  the  same ;  they  pulled  him  to  rags  and  tatters 
with  horses,  and  all  the  world  came  to  see  the  show, 
and  crack  jokes,  and  have  a  good  time ;  and  some 
of  the  performances  of  the  best  people  present  were 
as  tough,  and  as  properly  unprintable,  as  any  that 
have  been  printed  by  the  pleasant  Casanova  in  his 
chapter  about  the  dismemberment  of  Louis  XV.'s 
poor  awkward  enemy. 

I  had  had  enough  of  this  grisly  place  by  this  time, 
and  wanted  to  leave,  but  I  couldn't,  because  I  had 
something  on  my  mind  that  my  conscience  kept 
prodding  me  about,  and  wouldn't  let  me  forget.  If  I 
had  the  remaking  of  man,  he  wouldn't  have  any  con 
science.  It  is  one  of  the  most  disagreeable  things 
connected  with  a  person ;  and  although  it  certainly 
does  a  great  deal  of  good,  it  cannot  be  said  to  pay,  in 
the  long  run ;  it  would  be  much  better  to  have  less 
good  and  more  comfort.  Still,  this  is  only  my  opin 
ion,  and  I  am  only  one  man ;  others,  with  less  ex 
perience,  may  think  differently.  They  have  a  right 
to  their  view.  I  only  stand  to  this:  I  have  noticed 
my  conscience  for  many  years,  and  I  know  it  is  more 
trouble  and  bother  to  me  than  anything  else  I  started 
with.  I  suppose  that  in  the  beginning  I  prized  it, 
because  we  prize  anything  that  is  ours ;  and  yet  how 
foolish  it  was  to  think  so.  If  we  look  at  it  in  another 
way,  we  see  how  absurd  it  is :  if  I  had  an  anvil  in  me 

10  CY 


146 

would  I  prize  it  ?  Of  course  not.  And  yet  when  you 
come  to  think,  there  is  no  real  difference  between  a 
conscience  and  an  anvil — I  mean  for  comfort.  I  have 
noticed  it  a  thousand  times.  And  you  could  dissolve 
an  anvil  with  acids,  when  you  couldn't  stand  it  any 
longer ;  but  there  isn't  any  way  that  you  can  work  off 
a  conscience — at  last  so  it  will  stay  worked  off ;  not 
that  I  know  of,  anyway. 

.  There  was  something  I  wanted  to  do  before  leav 
ing,  but  it  was  a  disagreeable  matter,  and  I  hated  to 
go  at  it.  Well,  it  bothered  me  all  the  morning.  I 
could  have  mentioned  it  to  the  old  king,  but  what 
would  be  the  use  ? — he  was  but  an  extinct  volcano ; 
he  had  been  active  in  his  time,  but  his  fire  was  out, 
this  good  while,  he  was  only  a  stately  ash-pile,  now ; 
gentle  enough,  and  kindly  enough  for  my  purpose, 
without  doubt,  but  not  usable.  He  was  nothing,  this 
so-called  king:  the  queen  was  the  only  power  there. 
And  she  was  a  Vesuvius.  As  a  favor,  she  might  con 
sent  to  warm  a  flock  of  sparrows  for  you,  but  then 
she  might  take  that  very  opportunity  to  turn  herself 
loose  and  bury  a  city.  However,  I  reflected  that  as 
often  as  any  other  way,  when  you  are  expecting  the 
worst,  you  get  something  that  is  not  so  bad,  after  all. 
So  I  braced  up  and  placed  my  matter  before  her 
royal  Highness.  I  said  I  had  been  having  a  general 
jail -delivery  at  Camelot  and  among  neighboring 
castles,  and  with  her  permission  I  would  like  to  ex 
amine  her  collection,  her  bric-a-brac — that  is  to  say, 
her  prisoners.  She  resisted ;  but  I  was  expecting 
that.  But  she  finally  consented.  I  was  expecting 
that,  too,  but  not  so  soon.  That  about  ended  my 
discomfort.  She  called  her  guards  and  torches,  and 


147 

we  went  down  into  the  dungeons.  These  were  down 
under  the  castle's  foundations,  and  mainly  were  small 
cells  hollowed  out  of  the  living  rock.  Some  of  these 
cells  had  no  light  at  all.  In  one  of  them  was  a 
woman,  in  foul  rags,  who  sat  on  the  ground,  and 
would  not  answer  a  question,  or  speak  a  word,  but 
only  looked  up  at  us  once  or  twice,  through  a  cobweb 
of  tangled  hair,  as  if  to  see  what  casual  thing  it  might 
be  that  was  disturbing  with  sound  and  light  the  mean 
ingless  dull  dream  that  was  become  her  life ;  after 
that,  she  sat  bowed,  with  her  dirt-caked  fingers  idly 
interlocked  in  her  lap,  and  gave  no  further  sign.  This 
poor  rack  of  bones  was  a  woman  of  middle  age,  appar 
ently  ;  but  only  apparently;  she  had  been  there  nine 
years,  and  was  eighteen  when  she  entered.  She  was 
a  commoner,  and  had  been  sent  here  on  her  bridal 
night  by  Sir  Breuse  Sance  Pite,  a  neighboring  lord 
whose  vassal  her  father  was,  and  to  which  said  lord 
she  had  refused  what  has  since  been  called  le  droit 
du  seigneur ;  and  moreover,  had  opposed  violence 
to  violence  and  spilt  half  a  gill  of  his  almost  sacred 
blood.  The  young  husband  had  interfered  at  that 
point,  believing  the  bride's  life  in  danger,  and  had 
flung  the  noble  out  into  the  midst  of  the  humble  and 
trembling  wedding  guests,  in  the  parlor,  and  left  him 
there  astonished  at  this  strange  treatment,  and  im 
placably  embittered  against  both  bride  and  groom. 
The  said  lord  being  cramped  for  dungeon-room  had 
asked  the  queen  to  accommodate  his  two  criminals, 
and  here  in  her  bastile  they  had  been  ever  since; 
hither  indeed,  they  had  come  before  their  crime  was 
an  hour  old,  and  had  never  seen  each  other  since. 
Here  they  were,  kernellcd  like  toads  in  the  same  rock  ; 


148 

they  had  passed  nine  pitch  dark  years  within  fifty 
feet  of  each  other,  yet  neither  knew  whether  the  other 
was  alive  or  not.  All  the  first  years,  their  only  ques 
tion  had  been  —  asked  with  beseechings  and  tears 
that  might  have  moved  stones,  in  time,  perhaps, 
but  hearts  are  not  stones :  "  Is  he  alive  ?"  "  Is  she 
alive?"  But  they  had  never  got  an  answer;  and  at 
last  that  question  was  not  asked  any  more — or  any 
other. 

I  wanted  to  see  the  man,  after  hearing  all  this.  He 
was  thirty-four  years  old,  and  looked  sixty.  He  sat 
upon  a  squared  block  of  stone,  with  his  head  bent 
down,  his  forearms  resting  on  his  knees,  his  long  hair 
hanging  like  a  fringe  before  his  face,  and  he  was  mut 
tering  to  himself.  He  raised  his  chin  and  looked  us 
slowly  over,  in  a  listless  dull  way,  blinking  with  the 
distress  of  the  torchlight,  then  dropped  his  head  and 
fell  to  muttering  again  and  took  no  further  notice  of 
us.  There  were  some  pathetically  suggestive  dumb 
witnesses  present.  On  his  wrists  and  ankles  were  cica 
trices,  old  smooth  scars,  and  fastened  to  the  stone  on 
which  he  sat  was  a  chain  with  manacles  and  fetters 
attached ;  but  this  apparatus  lay  idle  on  the  ground, 
and  was  thick  with  rust.  Chains  cease  to  be  needed 
after  the  spirit  has  gone  out  of  a  prisoner. 

I  could  not  rouse  the  man  ;  so  I  said  we  would  take 
him  to  her,  and  see — to  the  bride  who  was  the  fairest 
thing  in  the  earth  to  him,  once — roses,  pearls  and  dew 
made  flesh,  for  him  ;  a  wonder-work,  the  master-work 
of  nature :  with  eyes  like  no  other  eyes,  and  voice  like 
no  other  voice,  and  a  freshness,  and  lithe  young  grace, 
and  beauty,  that  belonged  properly  to  the  creatures  of 
dreams — as  he  thought — and  to  no  other.  The  sight  / 


U9 

of  her  would  set  his  stagnant  blood  leaping  ;  the  sight 
of  her — 

But  it  was  a  disappointment.  They  sat  together  on 
the  ground  and  looked  dimly  wondering  into  each 
other's  faces  a  while,  with  a  sort  of  weak  animal  curi 
osity  ;  then  forgot  each  other's  presence,  and  dropped 
their  eyes,  and  you  saw  that  they  were  away  again  and 
wandering  in  some  far  land  of  dreams  and  shadows 
that  we  know  nothing  about. 

I  had  them  taken  out  and  sent  to  their  friends.  The 
queen  did  not  like  it  much.  Not  that  she  felt  any 
personal  interest  in  the  matter,  but  she  thought  it 
disrespectful  to  Sir  Breuse  Sance  Pite.  However,  I 
assured  her  that  if  he  found  he  couldn't  stand  it  I 
would  fix  him  so  that  he  could. 

I  set  forty-seven  prisoners  loose  out  of  those  awful 
rat-holes,  and  left  only  one  in  captivity.  He  was  a 
lord,  and  had  killed  another  lord,  a  sort  of  kinsman  of 
the  queen.  That  other  lord  had  ambushed  him  to  as 
sassinate  him,  but  this  fellow  had  got  the  best  of  him 
and  cut  his  throat.  However,  it  was  not  for  that  that 
I  left  him  jailed,  but  for  maliciously  destroying  the 
only  public  well  in  one  of  his  wretched  villages.  The 
queen  was  bound  to  hang  him  for  killing  her  kins 
man,  but  I  would  not  allow  it :  it  was  no  crime  to  kill 
an  assassin.  But  I  said  I  was  willing  to  let  her  hang 
him  for  destroying  the  well ;  so  she  concluded  to  put 
up  with  that,  as  it  was  better  than  nothing. 

Dear  me,  for  what  trifling  offences  the  most  of  those 
forty-seven  men  and  women  were  shut  up  there  !  In 
deed,  some  were  there  for  no  distinct  offence  at  all, 
but  only  to  gratify  somebody's  spite  ;  and  not  always 

the  queen's  by  any  means,  but  a  friend's.     The  new- 
ii  CY 


150 

est  prisoner's  crime  was  a  mere  remark  which  he  had 
made.  He  said  he  believed  that  men  were  about  all 
alike,  and  one  man  as  good  as  another,  barring  clothes. 
He  said  he  believed  that  if  you  were  to  strip  the  na 
tion  naked  and  send  a  stranger  through  the  crowd,  he 
couldn't  tell  the  king  from  a  quack  doctor,  nor  a  duke 
from  a  hotel  clerk.  Apparently  here  was  a  man  whose 
brains  had  not  been  reduced  to  an  ineffectual  mush  by 
idiotic  training.  I  set  him  loose  and  sent  him  to  the 
Factory. 

Some  of  the  cells  carved  in  the  living  rock  were  just 
behind  the  face  of  the  precipice,  and  in  each  of  these 
an  arrow-slit  had  been  pierced  outward  to  the  daylight, 
and  so  the  captive  had  a  thin  ray  from  the  blessed  sun 
for  his  comfort.  The  case  of  one  of  these  poor  fel 
lows  was  particularly  hard.  From  his  dusky  swal 
low's  hole  high  up  in  that  vast  wall  of  native  rock  he 
could  peer  out  through  the  arrow-slit  and  see  his  own 
home  off  yonder  in  the  valley;  and  for  twenty -two 
years  he  had  watched  it,  with  heart-ache  and  longing, 
through  that  crack.  He  could  see  the  lights  shine 
there  at  night,  and  in  the  daytime  he  could  see  figures 
go  in  and  come  out — his  wife  and  children,  some  of 
them,  no  doubt,  though  he  could  not  make  out,  at 
that  distance.  In  the  course  of  years  he  noted  festiv 
ities  there,  and  tried  to  rejoice,  and  wondered  if  they 
were  weddings  or  what  they  might  be.  And  he  noted 
funerals;  and  they  wrung  his  heart.  He  could  make 
out  the  coffin,  but  he  could  not  determine  its  size,  and 
so  could  not  tell  whether  it  was  wife  or  child.  He 
could  see  the  procession  form,  with  priests  and  mourn 
ers,  and  move  solemnly  away,  bearing  the  secret  with 
them.  He  had  left  behind  him  five  children  and  a 


wife ;  and  in  nineteen  years  he  had  seen  five  funerals 
issue,  and  none  of  them  humble  enough  in  pomp  to 
denote  a  servant.  So  he  had  lost  five  of  his  treasures  ; 
there  must  still  be  one  remaining — one  now  infinitely, 
unspeakably  precious, — but  which  one  ?  wife,  or  child  ? 
That  was  the  question  that  tortured  him,  by  night  and 
by  day,  asleep  and  awake.  Well,  to  have  an  interest, 
of  some  sort,  and  half  a  ray  of  light,  when  you  are  in 
a  dungeon,  is  a  great  support  to  the  body  and  pre 
server  of  the  intellect.  This  man  was  in  pretty  good 
condition  yet.  By  the  time  he  had  finished  telling 
me  his  distressful  tale,  I  was  in  the  same  state  of  mind 
that  you  would  have  been  in  yourself,  if  you  have  got 
average  human  curiosity  :  that  is  to  say,  I  was  as  burn 
ing  up  as  he  was  to  find  out  which  member  of  the 
family  it  was  that  was  left.  So  I  took  him  over  home 
myself ;  and  an  amazing  kind  of  a  surprise  party  it 
was,  too — typhoons  and  cyclones  of  frantic  joy,  and 
whole  Niagaras  of  happy  tears ;  and  by  George  we 
found  the  aforetime  young  matron  graying  toward 
the  imminent  verge  of  her  half  century,  and  the  ba 
bies  all  men  and  women,  and  some  of  them  married 
and  experimenting  family  wise  themselves — for  not  a 
soul  of  the  tribe  was  dead !  Conceive  of  the  ingen 
ious  devilishness  of  that  queen :  she  had  a  special  ha 
tred  for  this  prisoner,  and  she  had  invented  all  those 
funerals  herself,  to  scorch  his  heart  with  ;  and  the  sub- 
limest  stroke  of  genius  of  the  whole  thing  was  leaving 
the  family-invoice  a  funeral  short,  so  as  to  let  him  wear 
his  poor  old  soul  out  guessing. 

But  for  me,  he  never  would  have  got  out.  Morgan 
le  Fay  hated  him  with  her  whole  heart,  and  she  never 
would  have  softened  toward  him.  And  yet  his  crime 


152 

was  committed  more  in  thoughtlessness  than  deliber 
ate  depravity.  He  had  said  she  had  red  hair.  Well, 
she  had  ;  but  that  was  no  way  to  speak  of  it.  When 
red -headed  people  are  above  a  certain  social  grade 
their  hair  is  auburn. 

Consider  it :  among  these  forty-seven  captives  there 
were  five  whose  names,  offences,  and  dates  of  incarcer 
ation  were  no  longer  known !  One  woman  and  four 
men — all  bent,  and  wrinkled,  and  mind-extinguished 
patriarchs.  They  themselves  had  long  ago  forgotten 
these  details  ;  at  any  rate  they  had  mere  vague  theo 
ries  about  them,  nothing  definite  and  nothing  that 
they  repeated  twice  in  the  same  way.  The  succes 
sion  of  priests  whose  office  it  had  been  to  pray  daily 
with  the  captives  and  remind  them  that  God  had  put 
them  there,  for  some  wise  purpose  or  other,  and  teach 
them  that  patience,  humbleness,  and  submission  to  op 
pression  was  what  He  loved  to  see  in  parties  of  a  sub 
ordinate  rank,  had  traditions  about  these  poor  old 
human  ruins,  but  nothing  more.  These  traditions 
went  but  little  way,  for  they  concerned  the  length  of 
the  incarceration  only,  and  not  the  names  of  the  of 
fences.  And  even  by  the  help  of  tradition  the  only 
thing  that  could  be  proven  was  that  none  of  the  five 
had  seen  daylight  for  thirty -five  years:  how  much 
longer  this  privation  had  lasted  was  not  guessable. 
The  king  and  the  queen  knew  nothing  about  these 
poor  creatures,  except  that  they  were  heirlooms,  as 
sets  inherited,  along  with  the  throne,  from  the  former 
firm.  Nothing  of  their  history  had  been  transmitted 
with  their  persons,  and  so  the  inheriting  owners  had 
considered  them  of  no  value,  and  had  felt  no  interest 
in  them.  I  said  to  the  queen — 


153 

"Then  why  in  the  world  didn't  you  set  them  free?" 

The  question  was  a  puzzler.  She  didn't  know  why 
she  hadn't ;  the  thing  had  never  come  up  in  her  mind. 
So  here  she  was,  forecasting  the  veritable  history  of 
future  prisoners  of  the  Castle  d'lf,  without  knowing  it. 
It  seemed  plain  to  me  now,  that  with  her  training, 
those  inherited  prisoners  were  merely  property — noth 
ing  more,  nothing  less.  Well,  when  we  inherit  prop 
erty,  it  does  not  occur  to  us  to  throw  it  away,  even 
when  we  do  not  value  it. 

When  I  brought  my  procession  of  human  bats  up 
into  the  open  world  and  the  glare  of  the  after 
noon  sun — previously  blind-folding  them,  in  charity 
for  eyes  so  long  untortured  by  light  —  they  were  a 
spectacle  to  look  at.  Skeletons,  scarecrows,  goblins, 
pathetic  frights,  every  one:  legitimatest  possible  chil 
dren  of  Monarchy  by  the  Grace  of  God  and  the  Es 
tablished  Church.  I  muttered  absently— 

"  I  wisk  I  could  photograph  them  !" 

You  have  seen  that  kind  of  people  who  will  never 
let  on  that  they  don't  know  the  meaning  of  a  new  big 
word.  The  more  ignorant  they  are,  the  more  piti 
fully  certain  they  are  to  pretend  you  haven't  shot 
over  their  heads.  The  queen  was  just  one  of  that 
sort,  and  was  always  making  the  stupidest  blunders 
by  reason  of  it.  She  hesitated  a  moment;  then  her 
face  brightened  up  with  sudden  comprehension,  and 
she  said  she  would  do  it  for  me. 

I  thought  to  myself:  She?  why  what  can  she  know 
about  photography?  But  it  was  a  poor  time  to  be 
thinking.  When  1  looked  around,  she  was  moving  on 
the  procession  with  an  axe  ! 

Well,  she  certainly  was  a  curious  one,  was  Morgan 


154 


le  Fay.  I  have  seen  a  good  many  kinds  of  women  in 
my  time,  but  she  laid  over  them  all,  for  variety.  And 
how  sharply  characteristic  of  her  this  episode  was. 
She  had  no  more  idea  than  a  horse,  of  how  to  photo 
graph  a  procession ;  but  being  in  doubt,  it  was  just 
like  her  to  try  to  do  it  with  an  axe. 


CHAPTER   XIX 
KNIGHT     ERRANTRY    AS    A    TRADE 

SANDY  and  I  were  on  the  road  again,  next  morning, 
bright  and  early.  It  was  so  good  to  open  up  one's 
lungs  and  take  in  whole  luscious  barrels -full  of  the 
blessed  God's  untainted,  dew- freshened,  woodland- 
scented  air  once  more,  after  suffocating  body  and 
mind  for  two  days  and  nights  in  the  moral  and  physi 
cal  stenches  of  that  intolerable  old  buzzard-roost !  I 
mean,  for  me :  of  course  the  place  was  all  right  and 
agreeable  enough  for  Sandy,  for  she  had  been  used  to 
high  life  all  her  days. 

Poor  girl,  her  jaws  had  had  a  wearisome  rest,  now  for 
a  while,  and  I  was  expecting  to  get  the  consequences. 
I  was  right ;  but  she  had  stood  by  me  most  helpfully 
in  the  castle,  and  had  mightily  supported  and  rein 
forced  me  with  gigantic  foolishnesses  which  were 
worth  more  for  the  occasion  than  wisdoms  double 
their  size;  so  I  thought  she  had  earned  a  right  to 
work  her  mill  for  a  while,  if  she  wanted  to,  and  I  felt 
not  a  pang  when  she  started  it  up : 

"  Now  turn  we  unto  Sir  Marhaus  that  rode  with  the 
damsel  of  thirty  winter  of  age  southward— 

"  Are  you  going  to  see  if  you  can  work  up  another 
half-stretch  on  the  trail  of  the  cowboys,  Sandy?" 

"  Even  so,  fair  my  lord." 


156 

"  Go  ahead,  then.  I  won't  interrupt  this  time,  if  I 
can  help  it.  Begin  over  again ;  start  fair,  and  shake 
out  all  your  reefs,  and  I  will  load  my  pipe  and  give 
good  attention." 

"  Now  turn  we  unto  Sir  Marhaus  that  rode  with  the 
damsel  of  thirty  winter  of  age  southward.  And  so 
they  came  into  a  deep  forest,  and  by  fortune  they 
were  nighted,  and  rode  along  in  a  deep  way,  and  at 
the  last  they  came  into  a  courtelage  where  abode  the 
duke  of  South  Marches,  and  there  they  asked  harbour. 
And  on  the  morn  the  duke  sent  unto  Sir  Marhaus,  and 
bad  him  make  him  ready.  And  so  Sir  Marhaus  arose 
and  armed  him,  and  there  was  a  mass  sung  afore  him, 
and  he  brake  his  fast,  and  so  mounted  on  horseback 
i'n  the  court  of  the  castle,  there  they  should  do  the 
battle.  So  there  was  the  duke  already  on  horseback, 
clean  armed,  and  his  six  sons  by  him,  and  every  each 
had  a  spear  in  his  hand,  and  so  they  encountered, 
whereas  the  duke  and  his  two  sons  brake  their  spears 
upon  him,  but  Sir  Marhaus  held  up  his  spear  and 
touched  none  of  them.  Then  came  the  four  sons  by 
couples,  and  two  of  them  brake  their  spears,  and  so 
did  the  other  two.  And  all  this  while  Sir  Marhaus 
touched  them  not.  Then  Sir  Marhaus  ran  to  the 
duke,  and  smote  him  with  his  spear  that  horse  and 
man  fell  to  the  earth.  And  so  he  served  his  sons. 
And  then  Sir  Marhaus  alight  down,  and  bad  the  duke 
yield  him  or  else  he  would  slay  him.  And  then  some 
of  his  sons  recovered,  and  would  have  set  upon  Sir 
Marhaus.  Then  Sir  Marhaus  said  to  the  duke,  Cease 
thy  sons,  or  else  I  will  do  the  uttermost  to  you  all. 
When  the  duke  saw  he  might  not  escape  the  death, 
he  cried  to  his  sons,  and  charged  them  to  yield 


I  $7 

them  to  Sir  Marhaus.  And  they  kneeled  all  down 
and  put  the  pommels  of  their  swords  to  the  knight, 
and  so  he  received  them.  And  then  they  holp  up 
their  father,  and  so  by  their  common  assent  promised 
unto  Sir  Marhaus  never  to  be  foes  unto  King  Arthur, 
and  thereupon  at  Whitsuntide  after,  to  come  he  and 
his  sons,  and  put  them  in  the  king's  grace.* 

"  Even  so  standeth  the  history,  fair  Sir  Boss.  Now 
ye  shall  wit  that  that  very  duke  and  his  six  sons  are 
they  whom  but  few  days  past  you  also  did  overcome 
and  send  to  Arthur's  court  !" 

"  Why,  Sandy,  you  can't  mean  it  !" 

"  An  I  speak  not  sooth,  let  it  be  the  worse  for  me.5' 

"  Well,  well,  well, —  now  who  would  ever  have 
thought  it  ?  One  whole  duke  and  six  dukelets  ;  why, 
Sandy,  it  was  an  elegant  haul.  Knight-errantry  is  a 
most  chuckle -headed  trade,  and  it  is  tedious  hard 
work,  too,  but  I  begin  to  see  that  there  is  money  in 
it,  after  all,  if  you  have  luck.  Not  that  I  would  ever 
engage  in  it  as  a  business ;  for  I  wouldn't.  No  sound 
and  legitimate  business  can  be  established  on  a  basis 
of  speculation.  A  successful  whirl  in  the  knight-er 
rantry  line — now  what  is  it  when  you  blow  away  the 
nonsense  and  come  down  to  the  cold  facts?  It's  just 
a  corner  in  pork,  that's  all,  and  you  can't  make  any 
thing  else  out  of  it.  You're  rich  —  yes, —  suddenly 
rich — for  about  a  day,  maybe  a  week  :  then  some 
body  corners  the  market  on  you,  and  down  goes  your 
bucket-shop;  ain't  that  so,  Sandy?" 

"  Whethersoever  it   be  that  my  mind   miscarrieth, 


*  The  story  is  borrowed,  language  and  all,  from  the  Morte 
d Arthur.— M.  T. 


bewraying  simple  language  in  such  sort  that  the  words 
do  seem  to  come  endlong  and  overthwart — 

"  There's  no  use  in  beating  about  the  bush  and 
trying  to  get  around  it  that  way,  Sandy,  it's  so,  just 
as  I  say.  I  know  it's  so.  And,  moreover,  when  you 
come  right  down  to  the  bed-rock,  knight-errantry  is 
worse  than  pork ;  for  whatever  happens,  the  pork's 
left,  and  so  somebody's  benefited,  anyway ;  but  when 
the  market  breaks,  in  a  knight-errantry  whirl,  and 
every  knight  in  the  pool  passes  in  his  checks,  what 
have  you  got  for  assets?  Just  a  rubbish-pile  of  bat 
tered  corpses  and  a  barrel  or  two  of  busted  hardware. 
Can  you  call  those  assets  ?  Give  me  pork,  every  time. 
Am  I  right  ?" 

"  Ah,  peradventure  my  head  being  distraught  by 
the  manifold  matters  whereunto  the  confusions  cf 
these  but  late  adventured  haps  and  fortunings  where 
by  not  I  alone  nor  you  alone,  but  every  each  of  us, 
meseemeth — 

"  No,  it's  not  your  head,  Sandy.  Your  head's  all 
right,  as  far  as  it  goes,  but  you  don't  know  business ; 
that's  where  the  trouble  is.  It  unfits  you  to  argue 
about  business,  and  you're  wrong  to  be  always  try 
ing.  However,  that  aside,  it  was  a  good  haul,  any 
way,  and  will  breed  a  handsome  crop  of  reputation 
in  Arthur's  court.  And  speaking  of  the  cowboys, 
what  a  curious  country  this  is  for  women  and  men 
that  never  get  old.  Now  there's  Morgan  le  Fay,  as 
fresh  and  young  as  a  Vassar  pullet,  to  all  appearances, 
and  here  is  this  old  duke  of  the  South  Marches  still 
slashing  away  with  sword  and  lance  at  his  time  of  life, 
after  raising  such  a  family  as  he  has  raised.  As  I  un 
derstand  it,  Sir  Gawaine  killed  seven  of  his  sons,  and 


1 59 

still  he  had  six  left  for  Sir  Marhaus  and  me  to  take 
into  camp.  And  then  there  was  that  damsel  of  sixty 
winter  of  age  still  excursioning  around  in  her  frosty 
bloom—  How  old  are  you,  Sandy?" 

It  was  the  first  time  I  ever  struck  a  still  place  in 
her.  The  mill  had  shut  down  for  repairs,  or  some 
thing. 


CHAPTER  XX 


BETWEEN  six  and  nine  we  made  ten  miles,  which 
was  plenty  for  a  horse  carrying  triple — man,  woman, 
and  armor ;  then  we  stopped  for  a  long  nooning,  under 
some  trees  by  a  limpid  brook. 

Right  so  came  by-and-by  a  knight  riding  ;  and  as  he 
drew  near  he  made  dolorous  moan,  and  by  the  words 
of  it  I  perceived  that  he  was  cursing  and  swearing;  yet 
nevertheless  was  I  glad  of  his  coming,  for  that  I  saw 
he  bore  a  bulletin-board  whereon  in  letters  all  of  shin 
ing  gold  was  writ — 

"USE  PETERSON'S  PROPHYLACTIC  TOOTH-BRUSH 
— ALL  THE  Go." 

I  was  glad  of  his  coming,  for  even  by  this  token  I 
knew  him  for  knight  of  mine.  It  was  Sir  Madok  de 
la  Montaine,  a  burly  great  fellow  whose  chief  distinc 
tion  was  that  he  had  come  within  an  ace  of  sending 
Sir  Launcelot  down  over  his  horse-tail  once.  He  was 
never  long  in  a  stranger's  presence  without  finding 
some  pretext  or  other  to  let  out  that  great  fact.  But 
there  was  another  fact  of  nearly  the  same  size,  which 
he  never  pushed  upon  anybody  unasked,  and  yet  never 
withheld  when  asked:  that  was,  that  the  reason  he 


didn't  quite  succeed  was,  that  he  was  interrupted  and 
sent  down  over  horse-tail  himself.  This  innocent  vast 
lubber  did  not  see  any  particular  difference  between 
the  two  facts.  I  liked  him,  for  he  was  earnest  in  his 
work,  and  very  valuable.  And  he  was  so  fine  to  look 
at,  with  his  broad  mailed  shoulders,  and  the  grand 
leonine  set  of  his  plumed  head,  and  his  big  shield  with 
its  quaint  device  of  a  gauntleted  hand  clutching  a 
prophylactic  tooth-brush,  with  motto :  "  Try  Noyou- 
dont"  This  was  a  tooth-wash  that  I  was  introducing. 

He  was  aweary,  he  said,  and  indeed  he  looked  it ; 
but  he  would  not  alight.  He  said  he  was  after  the 
stove-polish  man  ;  and  with  this  he  broke  out  cursing 
and  swearing  anew.  The  bulletin-boarder  referred  to 
was  Sir  Ossaise  of  Surluse,  a  brave  knight,  and  of  con 
siderable  celebrity  on  account  of  his  having  tried  con 
clusions  in  a  tournament,  once,  with  no  less  a  Mogul 
than  Sir  Gaheris  himself — although  not  successfully. 
He  was  of  a  light  and  laughing  disposition,  and  to 
him  nothing  in  this  world  was  serious.  It  was  for 
this  reason  that  I  had  chosen  him  to  work  up  a  stove- 
polish  sentiment.  There  were  no  stoves  yet,  and  so 
there  could  be  nothing  serious  about  stove-polish.  All 
that  the  agent  needed  to  do  was  to  deftly  and  by  de 
grees  prepare  the  public  for  the  great  change,  and 
have  them  established  in  predilections  toward  neat 
ness  against  the  time  when  the  stove  should  appear 
upon  the  stage. 

Sir  Madok  was  very  bitter,  and  brake  out  anew  with 
cursings.  He  said  he  had  cursed  his  soul  to  rags  ;  and 
yet  he  would  not  get  down  from  his  horse,  neither 
would  he  take  any  rest,  or  listen  to  any  comfort,  until 
he  should  have  found  Sir  Ossaise  and  settled  this  ac- 

II  CY 


162 


count.  It  appeared,  by  what  I  could  piece  together 
of  the  unprofane  fragments  of  his  statement,  that  he 
had  chanced  upon  Sir  Ossaise  at  dawn  of  the  morn 
ing,  and  been  told  that  if  he  would  make  a  short  cut 
across  the  fields  and  swamps  and  broken  hills  and 
glades,  he  could  head  off  a  company  of  travellers  who 
would  be  rare  customers  for  prophylactics  and  tooth- 
wash.  With  characteristic  zeal  Sir  Madok  had  plunged 
away  at  once  upon  this  quest,  and  after  three  hours 
of  awful  crosslot  riding  had  overhauled  his  game. 
And  behold,  it  was  the  five  patriarchs  that  had  been 
released  from  the  dungeons  the  evening  before  !  Poor 
old  creatures,  it  was  all  of  twenty  years  since  any  one 
of  them  had  known  what  it  was  to  be  equipped  with 
any  remaining  snag  or  remnant  of  a  tooth. 

"Blank-blank-blank  him,"  said  Sir  Madok,  "an  I 
do  not  stove-polish  him  an  I  may  find  him,  leave  it  to 
me ;  for  never  no  knight  that  hight  Ossaise  or  aught 
else  may  do  me  this  disservice  and  bide  on  live,  an  I 
may  find  him,  the  which  I  have  thereunto  sworn  a 
great  oath  this  day." 

And  with  these  words,  and  others,  he  lightly  took 
his  spear  and  gat  him  thence.  In  the  middle  of  the 
afternoon  we  came  upon  one  of  those  very  patriarchs 
ourselves,  in  the  edge  of  a  poor  village.  He  was  bask 
ing  in  the  love  of  relatives  and  friends  whom  he  had 
not  seen  for  fifty  years;  and  about  him  and  caressing 
him  were  also  descendants  of  his  own  body  whom  he 
had  never  seen  at  all  till  now  ;  but  to  him  these  were 
all  strangers,  his  memory  was  gone,  his  mind  was  stag 
nant.  It  seemed  incredible  that  a  man  could  outlast 
half  a  century  shut  up  in  a  dark  hole  like  a  rat,  but 
here  were  his  old  wife  and  some  old  comrades  to 


163 

testify  to  it.  They  could  remember  him  as  he  was  in 
the  freshness  and  strength  of  his  young  manhood, 
when  he  kissed  his  child  and  delivered  it  to  its 
mother's  hands  and  went  away  into  that  long  obliv 
ion.  The  people  at  the  castle  could  not  tell  within 
half  a  generation  the  length  of  time  the  man  had  been 
shut  up  there  for  his  unrecorded  and  forgotten  of 
fence  ;  but  this  old  wife  knew ;  and  so  did  her  old 
child,  who  stood  there  among  her  married  sons  and 
daughters  trying  to  realize  a  father  who  had  been  to 
her  a  name,  a  thought,  a  formless  image,  a  tradition, 
all  her  life,  and  now  was  suddenly  concreted  into 
actual  flesh  and  blood  and  set  before  her  face. 

It  was  a  curious  situation ;  yet  it  is  not  on  that 
account  that  I  have  made  room  for  it  here,  but  on 
account  of  a  thing  which  seemed  to  me  still  more 
curious.  To  wit,  that  this  dreadful  matter  brought 
from  these  drown-trodden  people  no  outburst  of  rage 
against  these  oppressors.  They  had  been  heritors 
and  subjects  of  cruelty  and  outrage  so  long  that  noth 
ing  could  have  startled  them  but  a  kindness.  Yes, 
here  was  a  curious  revelation  indeed,  of  the  depth  to 
which  this  people  had  been  sunk  in  slavery.  Their 
entire  being  was  reduced  to  a  monotonous  dead  level 
of  patience,  resignation,  dumb  uncomplaining  accept 
ance  of  whatever  might  befall  them  in  this  life.  Their 
very  imagination  was  dead.  When  you  can  say  that 
of  a  man,  he  has  struck  bottom,  I  reckon  ;  there  is  no 
lower  deep  for  him. 

I  rather  wished  I  had  gone  some  other  road.  This 
was  not  the  sort  of  experience  for  a  statesman  to  en 
counter  who  was  planning  out  a  peaceful  revolution 
in  his  mind.  For  it  could  not  help  bringing  up  the 


164 

un-get-aroundable  fact  that,  all  gentle  cant  and  phi 
losophizing  to  the  contrary  notwithstanding,  no  peo- 
;  pie  in  the  world  ever  did    achieve  their  freedom  by 
goody-goody  talk  and  moral  suasion :  it  being  immu 
table  law  that  all  revolutions  that  will  succeed,  must 
\begin  in  blood,  whatever  may  answer  afterward.     If 
j  history  teaches  anything,  it  teaches  that.     What  this 
[  folk  needed,  then,  was  a  Reign  of  Terror  and  a  guil 
lotine,  and  I  was  the  wrong  man  for  them. 

Two  days  later,  toward  noon,  Sandy  began  to  show 
signs  of  excitement  and  feverish  expectancy.  She 
said  we  were  approaching  the  ogre's  castle.  I  was 
surprised  into  an  uncomfortable  shock.  The  object 
of  our  quest  had  gradually  dropped  out  of  my  mind  ; 
this  sudden  resurrection  of  it  made  it  seem  qnite  a 
real  and  startling  thing,  for  a  moment,  and  roused  up 
in  me  a  smart  interest.  Sandy's  excitement  increased 
every  moment ;  and  so  did  mine,  for  that  sort  of  thing 
is  catching.  My  heart  got  to  thumping.  You  can't 
reason  with  your  heart ;  it  has  its  own  laws,  and 
thumps  about  things  which  the  intellect  scorns.  Pres 
ently,  when  Sandy  slid  from  the  horse,  motioned  me 
to  stop,  and  went  creeping  stealthily,  with  her  head 
bent  nearly  to  her  knees,  toward  a  row  of  bushes  that 
bordered  a  declivity,  the  thumpings  grew  stronger 
and  quicker.  And  they  kept  it  up  while  she  was  gain 
ing  her  ambush  and  getting  her  glimpse  over  the  de* 
clivity  ;  and  also  while  I  was  creeping  to  her  side  on  my 
knees.  Her  eyes  were  burning,  now,  as  she  pointed 
with  her  ringer,  and  said  in  a  panting  whisper — 
"  The  castle  !  The  castle  !  Lo,  where  it  looms  !" 
What  a  welcome  disappointment  I  experienced  !  I 
said — 


165 

"  Castle?  It  is  nothing  but  a  pig-sty;  a  pig-sty  with 
a  wattled  fence  around  it." 

She  looked  surprised  and  distressed.  The  anima 
tion  faded  out  of  her  face  ;  and  during  many  moments 
she  was  lost  in  thought  and  silent.  Then— 

"  It  was  not  enchanted  aforetime,"  she  said  in  a 
musing  fashion,  as  if  to  herself.  "And  how  strange 
is  this  marvel,  and  how  awful — that  to  the  one  percep 
tion  it  is  enchanted  and  dight  in  a  base  and  shameful 
aspect ;  yet  to  the  perception  of  the  other  it  is  not 
enchanted,  hath  suffered  no  change,  but  stands  firm 
and  stately  still,  girt  with  its  moat  and  waving  its 
banners  in  the  blue  air  from  its  towers.  And  God 
shield  us,  how  it  pricks  the  heart  to  see  again  these 
gracious  captives,  and  the  sorrow  deepened  in  their 
sweet  faces!  We  have  tarried  along,  and  are  to 
blame." 

I  saw  my  cue.  The  castle  was  enchanted  to  me, 
not  to  her.  It  would  be  wasted  time  to  try  to  argue 
her  out  of  her  delusion,  it  couldn't  be  done ;  I  must 
just  humor  it.  So  I  said — 

"  This  is  a  common  case — the  enchanting  of  a  thing 
to  one  eye  and  leaving  it  in  its  proper  form  to 
another.  You  have  heard  of  it  before,  Sandy,  though 
you  haven't  happened  to  experience  it.  But  no  harm 
is  done.  In  fact  it  is  lucky  the  way  it  is.  If  these 
ladies  were  hogs  to  everybody  and  to  themselves,  it 
would  be  necessary  to  break  the  enchantment,  and 
that  might  be  impossible  if  one  failed  to  find  out 
the  particular  process  of  the  enchantment.  And 
hazardous,  too  ;  for  in  attempting  a  disenchantment 
without  the  true  key,  you  are  liable  to  err,  and  turn 

your  hogs  into  dogs,  and  the  dogs  into  cats,  the  cats 
12  CY 


i66 

into  rats,  and  so  on,  and  end  by  reducing  your  ma 
terials  to  nothing,  finally,  or  to  an  odorless  gas  which 
you  can't  follow  —  which  of  course  amounts  to  the 
same  thing.  But  here,  by  good-luck,  no  one's  eyes 
but  mine  are  under  the  enchantment,  and  so  it  is  of 
no  consequence  to  dissolve  it.  These  ladies  remain 
ladies  to  you,  and  to  themselves,  and  to  everybody 
else;  and  at  the  same  time  they  will  suffer  in  no  way 
from  my  delusion,  for  when  I  know  that  an  ostensible 
hog  is  a  lady,  that  is  enough  for  me,  I  know  how  to 
treat  her." 

"  Thanks,  oh  sweet  my  lord,  thou  talkest  like  an 
angel.  And  I  know  that  thou  wilt  deliver  them,  for 
that  thou  art  minded  to  great  deeds  and  art  as  strong 
a  knight  of  your  hands  and  as  brave  to  will  and  to  do, 
as  any  that  is  on  live." 

"  I  will  not  leave  a  princess  in  the  sty,  Sandy.  Are 
those  three  yonder  that  to  my  disordered  eyes  are 
starveling  swine-herds — " 

"The  ogres?  Are  they  changed  also?  It  is  most 
wonderful.  Now  am  I  fearful ;  for  how  canst  thou 
strike  with  sure  aim  when  five  of  their  nine  cubits  of 
stature  are  to  thee  invisible  ?  Ah,  go  warily,  fair  sir ; 
this  is  a  mightier  emprise  than  I  wend." 

"  You  be  easy,  Sandy.  All  I  need  to  know  is,  how 
much  of  an  ogre  is  invisible ;  then  I  know  how  to 
locate  his  vitals.  Don't  you  be  afraid,  I  will  make 
short  work  of  these  bunco-steerers.  Stay  where  you 
are." 

I  left  Sandy  kneeling  there,  corpse-faced  but  plucky 
and  hopeful,  and  rode  down  to  the  pig-sty,  and  struck 
up  a  trade  with  the  swine-herds.  I  won  their  grati 
tude  by  buying  out  all  the  hogs  at  the  lump  sum  of 


i67 

sixteen  pennies,  which  was  rather  above  latest  quo 
tations.  I  was  just  in  time ;  for  the  Church,  the  lord 
of  the  manor,  and  the  rest  of  the  tax  gatherers  would 
have  been  along  next  day  and  swept  off  pretty  much 
all  the  stock,  leaving  the  swine-herds  very  short  of 
hogs  and  Sandy  out  of  princesses.  But  now  the  tax 
people  could  be  paid  in  cash,  and  there  would  be  a 
stake  left  besides.  One  of  the  men  had  ten  children ; 
and  he  said  that  last  year  when  a  priest  came  and 
of  his  ten  pigs  took  the  fattest  one  for  tithes,  the 
wife  burst  out  upon  him,  and  offered  him  a  child  and  ; 
said — 

"Thou  beast  without  bowels  of  mercy,  why  leave 
me  my  child,  yet  rob  me  of  the  wherewithal  to 
feed  it?" 

How  curious.  The  same  thing  had  happened  in 
the  Wales  of  my  day,  under  this  same  old  Estab 
lished  Church,  which  was  supposed  by  many  to  have 
changed  its  nature  when  it  changed  its  disguise. 

I  sent  the  three  men  away,  and  then  opened  the 
sty  gate  and  beckoned  Sandy  to  come  —  which  she 
did ;  and  not  leisurely,  but  with  the  rush  of  a  prairie- 
fire.  And  when  I  saw  her  fling  herself  upon  those 
hogs,  with  tears  of  joy  running  down  her  cheeks,  and 
strain  them  to  her  heart,  and  kiss  them,  and  caress 
them,  and  call  them  reverently  by  grand  princely 
names,  I  was  ashamed  of  her,  ashamed  of  the  human 
race. 

We  had  to  drive  those  hogs  home — ten  miles ;  and 
no  ladies  we^e  ever  more  fickle-minded  or  contrary. 
They  would  stay  in  no  road,  no  path ;  they  broke  out 
through  the  brush  on  all  sides,  and  flowed  away  in 
all  directions,  over  rocks,  and  hills,  and  the  roughest 


168 

places  they  could  find.  And  they  must  not  be  struck, 
or  roughly  accosted ;  Sandy  could  not  bear  to  see 
them  treated  in  ways  unbecoming  their  rank.  The 
troublesomest  old  sow  of  the  lot  had  to  be  called  my 
Lady,  and  your  Highness,  like  the  rest.  It  is  annoy 
ing  and  difficult  to  scour  around  after  hogs,  in  armor. 
There  was  one  small  countess,  with  an  iron  ring  in 
her  snout  and  hardly  any  hair  on  her  back,  that  was 
the  devil  for  perversity.  She  gave  me  a  race  of  an 
hour,  over  all  sorts  of  country,  and  then  we  were  right 
where  we  had  started  from,  having  made  not  U  rod  of 
real  progress.  I  seized  her  at  last  by  the  tail,  and 
brought  her  along,  squealing.  When  I  overtook 
Sandy,  she  was  horrified,  and  said  it  was  in  the  last 
degree  indelicate  to  drag  a  countess  by  her  train. 

We  got  the  hogs  home  just  at  dark — most  of  them. 
The  princess  Nerovens  de  Morganore  was  missing, 
and  two  of  her  ladies  in  waiting :  namely,  Miss  Ange 
la  Bohun,  and  the  Demoiselle  Elaine  Courtemains,  the 
former  of  these  two  being  a  young  black  sow  with  a 
white  star  in  her  forehead,  and  the  latter  a  brown  one 
with  thin  legs  and  a  slight  limp  in  the  forward  shank 
on  the  starboard  side  —  a  couple  of  the  try  ingest  blis 
ters  to  drive,  that  I  ever  saw.  Also  among  the  missing 
were  several  mere  baronesses — and  I  wanted  them  to 
stay  missing ;  but  no,  all  that  sausage-meat  had  to  be 
found  ;  so,  servants  were  sent  out  with  torches  to 
scour  the  woods  and  hills  to  that  end. 

Of  course  the  whole  drove  was  housed  in  the  house, 
and  great  guns ! — well,  I  never  saw  anything  like  it. 
Nor  ever  heard  anything  like  it.  And  never  smelt 
anything  like  it.  It  was  like  an  insurrection  in  a  gas 
ometer. 


CHAPTER   XXI 
THE   PILGRIMS 

WHEN  I  did  get  to  bed  at  last  I  was  unspeakably 
tired ;  the  stretching  out,  and  the  relaxing  of  the  long- 
tense  muscles,  how  luxurious,  how  delicious!  but  that 
was  as  far  as  I  could  get — sleep  was  out  of  the  ques 
tion,  for  the  present.  The  ripping  and  tearing  and 
squealing  of  the  nobility  up  and  down  the  halls  and 
corridors  was  pandemonium  come  again,  and  kept  me 
broad  awake.  Being  awake,  my  thoughts  were  busy 
of  course ;  and  mainly  they  busied  themselves  with 
Sandy's  curious  delusion.  Here  she  was,  as  sane  a 
person  as  the  kingdom  could  produce ;  and  yet,  from 
my  point  of  view  she  was  acting  like  a  crazy  woman. 
My  land,  the  power  of  training !  of  influence !  of  edu 
cation  !  It  can  bring  a  body  up  to  believe  anything. 
I  had  to  put  myself  in  Sandy's  place  to  realize  that 
she  was  not  a  lunatic.  Yes,  and  put  her  in  mine,  to 
demonstrate  how  easy  it  is  to  seem  a  lunatic  to  a  per 
son  who  has  not  been  taught  as  you  have  been  taught. 
If  I  had  told  Sandy  I  had  seen  a  wagon,  uninfluenced  by 
enchantment,  spin  along  fifty  miles  an  hour;  had  seen 
a  man,  unequipped  with  magic  powers,  get  into  a  bas 
ket  and  soar  out  of  sight  among  the  clouds ;  and  had 
listened,  without  any  necromancer's  help,  to  the  con 
versation  of  a  person  who  was  several  hundred  miles 


I7Q 

away,  Sandy  would  not  merely  have  supposed  me  to 
be  crazy,  she  would  have  thought  she  knew  it.  Every 
body  around  her  believed  in  enchantments ;  nobody 
had  any  doubts ;  to  doubt  that  a  castle  could  be 
turned  into  a  sty,  and  its  occupants  into  hogs,  would 
have  been  the  same  as  my  doubting,  among  Connecti 
cut  people,  the  actuality  of  the  telephone  and  its  won 
ders, — and  in  both  cases  would  be  absolute  proof  of  a 
diseased  mind,  an  unsettled  reason.  Yes,  Sandy  was 
sane ;  that  must  be  admitted.  If  I  also  would  be  sane 
— to  Sandy — I  must  keep  my  superstitions  about  un- 
enchanted  and  unmiraculous  locomotives,  balloons 
and  telephones,  to  myself.  Also,  I  believed  that  the 
world  was  not  flat,  and  hadn't  pillars  under  it  to  sup 
port  it,  nor  a  canopy  over  it  to  turn  off  a  universe  of 
water  that  occupied  all  space  above :  but  as  I  was  the 
only  person  in  the  kingdom  afflicted  with  such  impi 
ous  and  criminal  opinions,  I  recognized  that  it  would 
be  good  wisdom  to  keep  quiet  about  this  matter,  too, 
if  I  did  not  wish  to  be  suddenly  shunned  and  forsaken 
by  everybody  as  a  madman. 

The  next  morning  Sandy  assembled  the  swine  in 
the  dining-room  and  gave  them  their  breakfast,  wait 
ing  upon  them  personally  and  manifesting  in  every 
way  the  deep  reverence  which  the  natives  of  her  isl 
and,  ancient  and  modern,  have  always  felt  for  rank, 
let  its  outward  casket  and  the  mental  and  moral  con 
tents  be  what  they  may.  I  could  have  eaten  with  the 
hogs  if  I  had  had  birth  approaching  my  lofty  official 
rank ;  but  I  hadn't,  and  so  accepted  the  unavoidable 
slight  and  made  no  complaint.  Sandy  and  I  had  our 
breakfast  at  the  second  table.  The  family  were  not 
at  home.  I  said : 


171 

"  How  many  are  in  the  family,  Sandy,  and  where 

do  they  keep  themselves  ?" 

"  Family?" 

"  Yes." 

"  Which  family,  good  my  lord?" 

"  Why,  this  family  ;  your  own  family." 

"  Sooth  to  say,  I  understand  you  not.  I  have  no 
family." 

"  No  family?    Why,  Sandy,  isn't  this  your  home?" 

"  Now  how  indeed  might  that  be  ?  I  have  no 
home." 

"  Well,  then,  whose  house  is  this  ?" 

"  Ah,  wit  you  well  I  would  tell  you  an  I  knew 
myself." 

"  Come — you  don't  even  know  these  people  ?  Then 
who  invited  us  here  ?" 

"  None  invited  us.     We  but  came  ;  that  is  all." 

"  Why,  woman,  this  is  a  most  extraordinary  per 
formance.  The  effrontery  of  it  is  beyond  admiration. 
We  blandly  march  into  a  man's  house,  and  cram  it 
full  of  the  only  really  valuable  nobility__the  sun  has 
yet  discovered  in  the  earth,  and  then  it  turns  out  that 
we  don't  even  know  the  man's  name.  How  did  you 
ever  venture  to  take  this  extravagant  liberty  ?  I  sup 
posed,  of  course,  it  was  your  home.  What  will  the 
man  say?" 

"  What  will  he  say  ?  Forsooth  what  can  he  say 
but  give  thanks  ?" 

"Thanks  for  what  ?" 

Her  face  was  filled  with  a  puzzled  surprise : 

"  Verily,  thou  troublest  mine  understanding  with 
strange  words.  Do  ye  dream  that  one  of  his  estate 
is  like  to  have  the  honor  twice  in  his  life  to  entertain 


172 

company  such  as  we  have  brought  to  grace  his  house 
withal  ?" 

"  Well,  no — when  you  come  to  that.  No,  it's  an 
even  bet  that  this  is  the  first  time  he  has  had  a  treat 
like  this." 

"  Then  let  him  be  thankful,  and  manifest  the  same 
by  grateful  speech  and  due  humility ;  he  were  a  dog, 
else,  and  the  heir  and  ancestor  of  dogs." 

To  my  mind,  the  situation  was  uncomfortable.  It 
might  become  more  so.  It  might  be  a  good  idea  to 
muster  the  hogs  and  move  on.  So  I  said  : 

"  The  day  is  wasting,  Sandy.  It  is  time  to  get  the 
nobility  together  and  be  moving." 

"  Wherefore,  fair  sir  and  Boss  ?" 

"  We  want  to  take  them  to  their  home,  don't  we?" 

"  La,  but  list  to  him  !  They  be  of  all  the  regions 
of  the  earth  !  Each  must  hie  to  her  own  home  ; 
wend  you  we  might  do  all  these  journeys  in  one  so 
brief  life  as  He  hath  appointed  that  created  life,  and 
thereto  death  likewise  with  help  of  Adam,  who  by  sin 
done  through  persuasion  of  his  helpmeet,  she  being 
wrought  upon  and  bewrayed  by  the  beguilements  of 
the  great  enemy  of  man,  that  serpent  hight  Satan, 
aforetime  consecrated  and  set  apart  unto  that  evil 
work  by  overmastering  spite  and  envy  begotten  in 
his  heart  through  fell  ambitions  that  did  blight  and 
mildew  a  nature  erst  so  white  and  pure  whenso  it 
hove  with  the  shining  multitudes  its  brethren-born  in 
glade  and  shade  of  that  fair  heaven  wherein  all  such 
as  native  be  to  that  rich  estate  and — " 

"  Great  Scott !" 

"  My  lord  ?" 

"  Well,  you  know  we  haven't  got  time  for  this  sort 


173 

of  thing.  Don't  you  see,  we  could  distribute  these- 
people  around  the  earth  in  less  time  than  it  is  going 
to  take  you  to  explain  that  we  can't.  We  mustn't 
talk  now,  we  must  act.  You  want  to  be  careful ;  you 
mustn't  let  your  mill  get  the  start  of  you  that  way, 
at  a  time  like  this.  To  business,  now — and  sharp's 
the  word.  Who  is  to  take  the  aristocracy  home  ?" 

"  Even  their  friends.  These  will  come  for  them 
from  the  far  parts  of  the  earth." 

This  was  lightning  from  a  clear  sky,  for  unexpect 
edness  ;  and  the  relief  of  it  was  like  pardon  to  a  pris 
oner.  She  would  remain  to  deliver  the  goods,  of 
course. 

"  Well,  then,  Sandy,  as  our  enterprise  is  handsome 
ly  and  successfully  ended,  I  will  go  home  and  report ; 
and  if  ever  another  one — " 

"  I  also  am  ready ;  I  will  go  with  thee." 

This  was  recalling  the  pardon. 

"  How  ?    You  will  go  with  me  ?    Why  should  you  ?" 

"  Will  I  be  traitor  to  my  knight,  dost  think  ?  That 
were  dishonor.  I  may  not  part  from  thee  until  in 
knightly  encounter  in  the  field  some  overmatching 
champion  shall  fairly  win  and  fairly  wear  me.  I  were 
to  blame  an  I  thought  that  that  might  ever  hap." 

"  Elected  for  the  long  term,"  I  sighed  to  myself. 
"  I  may  as  well  make  the  best  of  it."  So  then  I 
spoke  up  and  said  : 

"  All  right ;  let  us  make  a  start." 

While  she  was  gone  to  cry  her  farewells  over  the 
pork,  I  gave  that  whole  peerage  away  to  the  servants. 
And  I  asked  them  to  take  a  duster  and  dust  around 
a  little  where  the  nobilities  had  mainly  lodged  and 
promenaded,  but  they  considered  that  that  would  be 


174 

hardly  worth  while,  and  would  moreover  be  a  rather 
grave  departure  from  custom,  and  therefore  likely  to 
make  talk.  A  departure  from  custom — that  settled 
it ;  it  was  a  nation  capable  of  committing  any  crime 
but  that.  The  servants  said  they  would  follow  the 
fashion,  a  fashion  grown  sacred  through  immemorial 
observance :  they  would  scatter  fresh  rushes  in  all  the 
rooms  and  halls,  and  then  the  evidence  of  the  aristo 
cratic  visitation  would  be  no  longer  visible.  It  was  a 
kind  of  satire  on  Nature  ;  it  was  the  scientific  method, 
the  geologic  method  ;  it  deposited  the  history  of  the 
family  in  a  stratified  record  ;  and  the  antiquary  could 
dig  through  it  and  tell  by  the  remains  of  each  period 
what  changes  of  diet  the  family  had  introduced  suc 
cessively  for  a  hundred  years. 

The  first  thing  we  struck  that  day  was  a  procession 
of  pilgrims.  It  was  not  going  our  way,  but  we  joined 
it  nevertheless  ;  for  it  was  hourly  being  borne  in  upon 
me,  now,  that  if  I  would  govern  this  country  wisely, 
I  must  be  posted  in  the  details  of  its  life,  and  not  at 
second  hand  but  by  personal  observation  and  scrutiny. 

This  company  of  pilgrims  resembled  Chaucer's  in 
this :  that  it  had  in  it  a  sample  of  about  all  the  upper 
occupations  and  professions  the  country  could  show, 
and  a  corresponding  variety  of  costume.  There  were 
young  men  and  old  men,  young  women  and  old 
women,  lively  folk  and  grave  folk.  They  rode  upon 
mules  and  horses,  and  there  was  not  a  side-saddle  in 
the  party ;  for  this  specialty  was  .to  remain  unknown 
in  England  for  nine  hundred  years  yet. 

It  was  a  pleasant,  friendly,  sociable  herd ;  pious, 
happy,  merry,  and  full  of  unconscious  coarsenesses  and 
innocent  indecencies.  What  they  regarded  as  the 


175 

merry  tale  went  the  continual  round  and  caused  no 
more  embarrassment  than  it  would  have  caused  in  the 
best  English  society  twelve  centuries  later.  Practi 
cal  jokes  worthy  of  the  English  wits  of  the  first  quar 
ter  of  the  far-off  nineteenth  century  were  sprung  here 
and  there  and  yonder  along  the  line,  and  compelled 
the  delightedest  applause ;  and  sometimes  when  a 
bright  remark  was  made  at  one  end  of  the  procession 
and  started  on  its  travels  toward  the  other,  you  could 
note  its  progress  all  the  way  by  the  sparkling  spray  of 
laughter  it  threw  off  from  its  bows  as  it  plowed  along; 
and  also  by  the  blushes  of  the  mules  in  its  wake. 

Sandy  knew  the  goal  and  purpose  of  this  pilgrimage 
and  she  posted  me.  She  said  : 

"  They  journey  to  the  Valley  of  Holiness,  for  to  be 
blessed  of  the  godly  hermits  and  drink  of  the  miracu 
lous  waters  and  be  cleansed  from  sin." 

"  Where  is  this  watering  place  ?" 

"  It  lieth  a  two  day  journey  hence,  by  the  borders 
of  the  land  that  hight  the  Cuckoo  Kingdom." 

"  Tell  me  about  it.     Is  it  a  celebrated  place  ?" 

"  Oh,  of  a  truth,  yes.  There  be  none  more  so.  Of 
old  time  there  lived  there  an  abbot  and  his  monks. 
Belike  were  none  in  the  world  more  holy  than  these ; 
for  they  gave  themselves  to  study  of  pious  books,  and 
spoke  not  the  one  to  the  other,  or  indeed  to  any,  and 
ate  decayed  herbs  and  naught  thereto,  and  slept  hard, 
and  prayed  much,  and  washed  never ;  also  they  wore 
the  same  garment  until  it  fell  from  their  bodies 
through  age  and  decay.  Right  so  came  they  to  be 
known  of  all  the  world  by  reason  of  these  holy  auster 
ities,  and  visited  by  rich  and  poor,  and  reverenced." 

"  Proceed." 


176 

"  But  always  there  was  lack  of  water  there.  Where 
as,  upon  a  time,  the  holy  abbot  prayed,  and  for  answer 
a  great  stream  of  clear  water  burst  forth  by  miracle  in 
a  desert  place.  Now  were  the  fickle  monks  tempted 
of  the  Fiend,  and  they  wrought  with  their  abbot  un 
ceasingly  by  beggings  and  beseechings  that  he  would 
construct  a  bath ;  and  when  he  was  become  aweary 
and  might  not  resist  more,  he  said  have  ye  your  will, 
then,  and  granted  that  they  asked.  Now  mark  thou 
what  'tis  to  forsake  the  ways  of  purity  the  which  He 
loveth,  and  wanton  with  such  as  be  worldly  and  an 
offence.  These  monks  did  enter  into  the  bath  and 
come  thence  washed  as  white  as  snow  ;  and  lo,  in  that 
moment  His  sign  appeared,  in  miraculous  rebuke  !  for 
His  insulted  waters  ceased  to  flow,  and  utterly  van 
ished  away." 

"  They  fared  mildly,  Sandy,  considering  how  that 
kind  of  crime  is  regarded  in  this  country." 

"  Belike ;  but  it  was  their  first  sin ;  and  they  had 
been  of  perfect  life  for  long,  and  differing  in  naught 
from  the  angels.  Prayers,  tears,  torturings  of  the 
flesh,  all  was  vain  to  beguile  that  water  to  flow  again. 
Even  processions ;  even  burnt-offerings ;  even  votive 
candles  to  the  Virgin,  did  fail  every  each  of  them ; 
and  all  in  the  land  did  marvel." 

"  How  odd  to  find  that  even  this  industry  has  its 
financial  panics,  and  at  times  sees  its  assignats  and 
greenbacks  languish  to  zero,  and  everything  come  to  a 
standstill.  Go  on,  Sandy." 

"  And  so  upon  a  time,  after  year  and  day,  the  good 
abbot  made  humble  surrender  and  destroyed  the  bath. 
And  behold,  His  anger  was  in  that  moment  appeased, 
and  the  waters  gushed  richly  forth  again,  and  even 


177 

unto  this  day  they  have  not  ceased  to  flow  in  that 
generous  measure." 

"  Then  I  take  it  nobody  has  washed  since.'* 

"  He  that  would  essay  it  could  have  his  halter  free ; 
yea,  and  swiftly  would  he  need  it,  too." 

"The  community  has  prospered  since?" 

"  Even  from  that  very  day.  The  fame  of  the  mira 
cle  went  abroad  into  all  lands.  From  every  land  came 
monks  to  join ;  they  came  even  as  the  fishes  come,  in 
shoals  ;  and  the  monastery  added  building  to  building, 
and  yet  others  to  these,  and  so  spread  wide  its  arms 
and  took  them  in.  And  nuns  came,  also ;  and  more 
again,  and  yet  more ;  and  built  over  against  the  mon 
astery  on  the  yon  side  of  the  vale,  and  added  building 
to  building,  until  mighty  was  that  nunnery.  And 
these  were  friendly  unto  those,  and  they  joined  their 
loving  labors  together,  and  together  they  built  a  fair 
great  foundling  asylum  midway  of  the  valley  between." 

"  You  spoke  of  some  hermits,  Sandy." 

"  These  have  gathered  there  from  the  ends  of  the 
earth.  A  hermit  thriveth  best  where  there  be  multi 
tudes  of  pilgrims.  Ye  shall  not  find  no  hermit  of  no 
sort  wanting.  If  any  shall  mention  a  hermit  of  a  kind 
he  thinketh  new  and  not  to  be  found  but  in  some  far 
strange  land,  let  him  but  scratch  among  the  holes  and 
caves  and  swamps  that  line  that  Valley  of  Holiness, 
and  whatsoever  be  his  breed,  it  skills  not,  he  shall  find 
a  sample  of  it  there." 

I  closed  up  alongside  of  a  burly  fellow  with  a  fat 
good-humored  face,  purposing  to  make  myself  agree 
able  and  pick  up  some  further  crumbs  of  fact ;  but  I 
had  hardly  more  than  scraped  acquaintance  with  him 
when  he  began  eagerly  and  awkwardly  to  lead  up,  in 

12  CY 


the  immemorial  way,  to  that  same  old  anecdote — the 
one  Sir  Dinadan  told  me,  what  time  I  got  into  trouble 
with  Sir  Sagramor  and  was  challenged  of  him  on  ac 
count  of  it.  I  excused  myself  and  dropped  to  the  rear 
of  the  procession,  sad  at  heart,  willing  to  go  hence 
from  this  troubled  life,  this  vale  of  tears,  this  brief  day 
of  broken  rest,  of  cloud  and  storm,  of  weary  struggle 
and  monotonous  defeat ;  and  yet  shrinking  from  the 
change,  as  remembering  how  long  eternity  is,  and  how 
many  have  wended  thither  who  know  that  anecdote. 

Early  in  the  afternoon  we  overtook  another  proces 
sion  of  pilgrims  ;  but  in  this  one  was  no  merriment,  no 
jokes,  no  laughter,  no  playful  ways,  nor  any  happy 
giddiness,  whether  of  youth  or  age.  Yet  both  were 
here,  both  age  and  youth ;  gray  old  men  and  women, 
strong  men  and  women  of  middle  age,  young  hus 
bands,  young  wives,  little  boys  and  girls,  and  three 
babies  at  the  breast.  Even  the  children  were  smile- 
less  ;  there  was  not  a  face  among  all  these  half  a  hun 
dred  people  but  was  cast  down,  and  bore  that  set  ex 
pression  of  hopelessness  which  is  bred  of  long  and 
hard  trials  and  old  acquaintance  with  despair.  They 
were  slaves.  Chains  led  from  their  fettered  feet  and 
their  manacled  hands  to  a  sole-leather  belt  about  their 
waists ;  and  all  except  the  children  were  also  linked 
together  in  a  file,  six  feet  apart,  by  a  single  chain 
which  led  from  collar  to  collar  all  down  the  line.  They 
were  on  foot,  and  had  tramped  three  hundred  miles  in 
eighteen  days,  upon  the  cheapest  odds  and  ends  of 
food,  and  stingy  rations  of  that.  They  had  slept  in 
these  chains  every  night,  bundled  together  like  swine. 
They  had  upon  their  bodies  some  poor  rags,  but  they 
could  not  be  said  to  be  clothed.  Their  irons  had 


179 

chafed  the  skin  from  their  ankles  and  made  sores 
which  were  ulcerated  and  wormy.  Their  naked  feet 
were  torn,  and  none  walked  without  a  limp.  Origi 
nally  there  had  been  a  hundred  of  these  unfortunates, 
but  about  half  had  been  sold  on  the  trip.  The  trader 
in  charge  of  them  rode  a  horse  and  carried  a  whip  with 
a  short  handle  and  a  long  heavy  lash  divided  into  sev 
eral  knotted  tails  at  the  end.  With  this  whip  he  cut 
the  shoulders  of  any  that  tottered  from  weariness 
and  pain,  and  straitened  them  up.  He  did  not  speak; 
the  whip  conveyed  his  desire  without  that.  None  of 
these  poor  creatures  looked  up  as  we  rode  along  by  ; 
they  showed  no  consciousness  of  our  presence.  And 
they  made  no  sound  but  one ;  that  was  the  dull  and 
awful  clank  of  their  chains  from  end  to  end  of  the  long 
file,  as  forty-three  burdened  feet  rose  and  fell  in  unison. 
The  file  moved  in  a  cloud  of  its  own  making. 

All  these  faces  were  gray  with  a  coating  of  dust. 
One  has  seen  the  like  of  this  coating  upon  furniture 
in  unoccupied  houses,  and  has  written  his  idle  thought 
in  it  with  his  finger.  I  was  reminded  of  this  when  I 
noticed  the  faces  of  some  of  those  women,  young 
mothers  carrying  babes  that  were  near  to  death  and 
freedom,  how  a  something  in  their  hearts  was  written 
in  the  dust  upon  their  faces,  plain  to  see,  and  lord  how 
plain  to  read !  for  it  was  the  track  of  tears.  One  of 
these  young  mothers  was  but  a  girl,  and  it  hurt  me  to 
the  heart  to  read  that  writing,  and  reflect  that  it  was 
come  up  out  of  the  breast  of  such  a  child,  a  breast 
that  ought  not  to  know  trouble  yet,  but  only  the  glad 
ness  of  the  morning  of  life ;  and  no  doubt — 

She  reeled  just  then,  giddy  with  fatigue,  and  down 
came  the  lash  and  flicked  a  flake  of  skin  from  her 


i8o 

naked  shoulder.  It  stung  me  as  if  I  had  been  hit  in 
stead.  The  master  halted  the  file  and  jumped  from 
his  horse.  He  stormed  and  swore  at  this  girl,  and 
said  she  had  made  annoyance  enough  with  her  lazi 
ness,  and  as  this  was  the  last  chance  he  should  have, 
he  would  settle  the  account  now.  She  dropped  on 
her  knees  and  put  up  her  hands  and  began  to  beg 
and  cry  and  implore,  in  a  passion  of  terror,  but  the 
master  gave  no  attention.  He  snatched  the  child 
from  her,  and  then  made  the  men -slaves  who  were 
chained  before  and  behind  her  throw  her  on  the 
ground  and  hold  her  there  and  expose  her  body ;  and 
then  he  laid  on  with  his  lash  like  a  madman  till  her 
back  was  flayed,  she  shrieking  and  struggling  the 
while,  piteously.  One  of  the  men  who  was  holding 
her  turned  away  his  face,  and  for  this  humanity  he 
was  reviled  and  flogged. 

All  our  pilgrims  looked  on  and  commented — on  the 
expert  way  in  which  the  whip  was  handled.  They 
were  too  much  hardened  by  lifelong  every-day  famil 
iarity  with  slavery  to  notice  that  there  was  anything 
else  in  the  exhibition  that  invited  comment.  This 
was  what  slavery  could  do,  in  the  way  of  ossifying 
what  one  may  call  the  superior  lobe  of  human  feel 
ing ;  for  these  pilgrims  were  kind-hearted  people,  and 
they  would  not  have  allowed  that  man  to  treat  a 
horse  like  that. 

I  wanted  to  stop  the  whole  thing  and  set  the  slaves 
free,  but  that  would  not  do.  I  must  not  interfere  too 
much  and  get  myself  a  name  for  riding  over  the  coun 
try's  laws  and  the  citizen's  rights  roughshod.  If  I 
lived  and  prospered  I  would  be  the  death  of  slavery, 
that  I  was  resolved  upon  ;  but  I  would  try  to  fix  it 


so  that  when  I  became  its  executioner  it  should  be 
by  command  of  the  nation. 

Just  here  was  the  wayside  shop  of  a  smith;  and 
now  arrived  a  landed  proprietor  who  had  bought  this 
girl  a  few  miles  back,  deliverable  here  where  her  irons 
could  be  taken  off.  They  were  removed  ;  then  there 
was  a  squabble  between  the  gentleman  and  the  dealer 
as  to  which  should  pay  the  blacksmith.  The  moment 
the  girl  was  delivered  from  her  irons,  she  flung  her 
self,  all  tears  and  frantic  sobbings,  into  the  arms  of 
the  slave  who  had  turned  away  his  face  when  she  was 
whipped.  He  strained  her  to  his  breast,  and  smoth 
ered  her  face  and  the  child's  with  kisses,  and  washed 
them  with  the  rain  of  his  tears.  I  suspected.  I  in 
quired.  Yes,  I  was  right :  it  was  husband  and  wife. 
They  had  to  be  torn  apart  by  force;  the  girl  had  to 
be  dragged  away,  and  she  struggled  and  fought  and 
shrieked  like  one  gone  mad  till  a  turn  of  the  road  hid 
her  from  sight ;  and  even  after  that,  we  could  still 
make  out  the  fading  plaint  of  those  receding  shrieks. 
And  the  husband  and  father,  with  his  wife  and  child 
gone,  never  to  be  seen  by  him  again  in  life  ? — well,  the 
look  of  him  one  might  not  bear  at  all,  and  so  I  turned 
away  ;  but  I  knew  I  should  never  get  his  picture  out 
of  my  mind  again,  and  there  it  is  to  this  day,  to  wring 
my  heartstrings  whenever  I  think  of  it. 

We  put  up  at  the  inn  in  a  village  just  at  nightfall, 
and  when  I  rose  next  morning  and  looked  abroad,  I 
was  ware  where  a  knight  came  riding  in  the  golden 
glory  of  the  new  day,  and  recognized  him  for  knight 
of  mine — Sir  Ozana  le  Cure  Hardy.  He  was  in  the  gen 
tlemen's  furnishing  line,  and  his  missionarying  special 
ty  was  plug  hats.  He  was  clothed  all  in  steel,  in  the 

13  CY 


1 82 

beautifulest  armor  of  the  time — up  to  where  his  hel 
met  ought  to  have  been  ;  but  he  hadn't  any  helmet, 
he  wore  a  shiny  stove-pipe  hat,  and  was  as  ridiculous 
a  spectacle  as  one  might  want  to  see.  It  was  another 
of  my  surreptitious  schemes  for  extinguishing  knight 
hood  by  making  it  grotesque  and  absurd.  Sir  Ozana's 
saddle  was  hung  about  with  leather  hat -boxes,  and 
every  time  he  overcame  a  wandering  knight  he  swore 
-him  into  my  service  and  fitted  him  with  a  plug  and 
made  him  wear  it.  I  dressed  and  ran  down  to  wel 
come  Sir  Ozana  and  get  his  news. 

"How  is  trade?"  I  asked. 

"  Ye  will  note  that  I  have  but  these  four  left ;  yet 
were  they  sixteen  whenas  I  got  me  from  Camelot." 

"  Why,  you  have  certainly  done  nobly,  Sir  Ozana. 
Where  have  you  been  foraging  of  late?" 

"  I  am  but  now  come  from  the  Valley  of  Holiness, 
please  you  sir." 

"  I  am  pointed  for  that  place  myself.  Is  there  any 
thing  stirring  in  the  monkery,  more  than  common  ?" 

"  By  the  mass  ye  may  not  question  it !  ...  Give 
him  good  feed,  boy,  and  stint  it  not,  an  thou  valuest 
thy  crown ;  so  get  ye  lightly  to  the  stable  and  do 

even  as  I  bid Sir,  it  is  parlous  news  I  bring, 

and — be  these  pilgrims?  Then  ye  may  not  do  better, 
good  folk,  than  gather  and  hear  the  tale  I  have  to 
tell,  sith  it  concerneth  you,  forasmuch  as  ye  go  to  find 
that  ye  will  not  find,  and  seek  that  ye  will  seek  in 
vain,  my  life  being  hostage  for  my  word,  and  my 
word  and  message  being  these,  namely :  That  a  hap 
has  happened  whereof  the  like  has  not  been  seen  no 
more  but  once  this  two  hundred  years,  which  was  the 
first  and  last  time  that  that  said  misfortune  strake  the 


183 

holy  valley  in  that  form  by  commandment  of  the 
Most  High  whereto  by  reasons  just  and  causes  there 
unto  contributing,  wherein  the  matter — 

"The  miraculous  fount  hath  ceased  to  flow!"  This 
shout  burst  from  twenty  pilgrim  mouths  at  once. 

"  Ye  say  well,  good  people.  I  was  verging  to  it, 
even  when  ye  spake." 

"  Has  somebody  been  washing  again  ?" 

"  Nay,  it  is  suspected,  but  none  believe  it.  It  is 
thought  to  be  some  other  sin,  but  none  wit  what." 

"  How  are  they  feeling  about  the  calamity?" 

"  None  may  describe  it  in  words.  The  fount  is 
these  nine  days  dry.  The  prayers  that  did  begin 
then,  and  the  lamentations  in  sackcloth  and  ashes, 
and  the  holy  processions,  none  of  these  have  ceased 
nor  night  nor  day ;  and  so  the  monks  and  the  nuns 
and  the  foundlings  be  all  exhausted,  and  do  hang  up 
prayers  writ  upon  parchment,  sith  that  no  strength 
is  left  in  man  to  lift  up  voice.  And  at  last  they  sent 
for  thee,  Sir  Boss,  to  try  magic  and  enchantment ; 
and  if  you  could  not  come,  then  was  the  messenger 
to  fetch  Merlin,  and  he  is  there  these  three  days, 
now,  and  saith  he  will  fetch  that  water  though  he 
burst  the  globe  and  wreck  its  kingdoms  to  accomplish 
it ;  and  right  bravely  doth  he  work  his  magic  and  call 
upon  his  hellions  to  hie  them  hither  and  help,  but  not 
a  whiff  of  moisture  hath  he  started  yet,  even  so  much 
as  might  qualify  as  mist  upon  a  copper  mirror  an  ye 
count  not  the  barrel  of  sweat  he  sweateth  betwixt  sun 
and  sun  over  the  dire  labors  of  his  task  ;  and  if  ye— 

Breakfast  was  ready.  As  soon  as  it  was  over  I 
showed  to  Sir  Ozana  these  words  which  I  had  writ 
ten  on  the  inside  of  his  hat :  "  Chemical  Department, 


1 84 

Laboratory  extension,  Section  G.  Pxxp.  Send  two  of 
first  size,  two  of  No.  3,  and  six  of  No.  4,  together  with 
the  proper  complementary  details— and  two  of  my  trained 
assistants"  And  I  said  : 

"  Now  get  you  to  Camelot  as  fast  as  you  can  fly, 
brave  knight,  and  show  the  writing  to  Clarence,  and 
tell  him  to  have  these  required  matters  in  the  Valley 
of  Holiness  with  all  possible  despatch." 

"  I  will  well,  Sir  Boss,"  and  he  was  off. 


CHAPTER  XXII 
THE    HOLY    FOUNTAIN 

THE  pilgrims  were  human  beings.  Otherwise  they 
would  have  acted  differently.  They  had  come  a  long 
and  difficult  journey,  and  now  when  the  journey  was 
nearly  finished,  and  they  learned  that  the  main  thing 
they  had  come  for  had  ceased  to  exist,  they  didn't  do 
as  horses  or  cats  or  angle-worms  would  probably  have 
done — turn  back  and  get  at  something  profitable — no, 
anxious  as  they  had  before  been  to  see  the  miraculous 
fountain,  they  were  as  much  as  forty  times  as  anxious 
now  to  see  the  place  where  it  had  used  to  be.  There 
is  no  accounting  for  human  beings. 

We  made  good  time ;  and  a  couple  of  hours  before 
sunset  we  stood  upon  the  high  confines  of  the  Valley 
of  Holiness,  and  our  eyes  swept  it  from  end  to  end 
and  noted  its  features.  That  is,  its  large  features. 
These  were  the  three  masses  of  buildings.  They 
were  distant  and  isolated  temporalities  shrunken  to 
toy  constructions  in  the  lonely  waste  of  what  seemed 
a  desert — and  was.  Such  a  scene  is  always  mourn 
ful,  it  is  so  impressively  still,  and  looks  so  steeped  in 
death.  But  there  was  a  sound  here  which  interrupt 
ed  the  stillness  only  to  add  to  its  mournfulness ;  this 
was  the  faint  far  sound  of  tolling  bells  which  floated 
fitfully  to  us  on  the  passing  breeze,  and  so  faintly,  so 


1 86 

softly,  that  we  hardly  knew  whether  we  heard  it  with 
our  ears  or  with  our  spirits. 

We  reached  the  monastery  before  dark,  and  there 
the  males  were  given  lodging,  but  the  women  were 
sent  over  to  the  nunnery.  The  bells  were  close  at 
hand,  now,  and  their  solemn  booming  smote  upon  the 
ear  like  a  message  of  doom.  A  superstitious  despair 
possessed  the  heart  of  every  monk  and  published  itself 
in  his  ghastly  face.  Everywhere,  these  black-robed, 
soft-sandled,  tallow-visaged  spectres  appeared,  flitted 
about  and  disappeared,  noiseless  as  the  creatures  of  a 
troubled  dream,  and  as  uncanny. 

The  old  abbot's  joy  to  see  me  was  pathetic.  Even 
to  tears  ;  but  he  did  the  shedding  himself.  He  said  : 

"  Delay  not,  son,  but  get  to  thy  saving  work.  An 
we  bring  not  the  water  back  again,  and  soon,  we  are 
ruined,  and  the  good  work  of  two  hundred  years  must 
end.  And  see  thou  do  it  with  enchantments  that  be 
holy,  for  the  Church  will  not  endure  that  work  in  her 
cause  be  done  by  devil's  magic." 

"  When  I  work,  Father,  be  sure  there  will  be  no 
devil's  work  connected  with  it.  I  shall  use  no  arts 
that  come  of  the  devil,  and  no  elements  not  created 
by  the  hand  of  God.  But  is  Merlin  working  strictly 
on  pious  lines?" 

"  Ah,  he  said  he  would,  my  son,  lie  said  he  would, 
and  took  oath  to  make  his  promise  good." 

"  Well,  in  that  case,  let  him  proceed." 

"  But  surely  you  will  not  sit  idle  by,  but  help  ?" 

"  It  will  not  answer  to  mix  methods,  Father;  nei 
ther  would  it  be  professional  courtesy.  Two  of  a 
trade  must  not  underbid  each  other.  We  might  as 
well  cut  rates  and  be  done  with  it ;  it  would  arrive  at 


that  in  the  end.  Merlin  has  the  contract ;  no  other 
magician  can  touch  it  till  he  throws  it  up." 

"  But  I  will  take  it  from  him  ;  it  is  a  terrible  emer 
gency  and  the  act  is  thereby  justified.  And  if  it  were 
not  so,  who  will  give  law  to  the  Church  ?  The 
Church  giveth  law  to  all ;  and  what  she  wills  to  do, 
that  she  may  do,  hurt  whom  it  may.  I  will  take  it 
from  him  ;  you  shall  begin  upon  the  moment." 

"  It  may  not  be,  Father.  No  doubt,  as  you  say, 
where  power  is  supreme,  one  can  do  as  one  likes  and 
suffer  no  injury;  but  we  poor  magicians  are  not  so  sit 
uated.  Merlin  is  a  very  good  magician  in  a  small  way, 
and  has  quite  a  neat  provincial  reputation.  He  is  strug 
gling  along,  doing  the  best  he  can,  and  it  would  not 
be  etiquette  for  me  to  take  his  job  until  he  himself 
abandons  it." 

The  abbot's  face  lighted. 

"  Ah,  that  is  simple.  There  are  ways  to  persuade 
him  to  abandon  it." 

"  No-no,  Father,  it  skills  not,  as  these  people  say.  If 
he  were  persuaded  against  his  will,  he  would  load  that 
well  with  a  malicious  enchantment  which  would  balk 
me  until  I  found  out  its  secret.  It  might  take  a  month. 
I  could  set  up  a  little  enchantment  of  mine  which  I 
call  the  telephone,  and  he  could  not  find  out  its  se 
cret  in  a  hundred  years.  Yes,  you  perceive,  he  might 
block  me  for  a  month.  Would  you  like  to  risk  a 
month  in  a  dry  time  like  this?" 

"A  month!  The  mere  thought  of  it  maketh  me 
to  shudder.  Have  it  thy  way,  my  son.  But  my  heart 
is  heavy  with  this  disappointment.  Leave  me,  and 
let  me  wear  my  spirit  with  weariness  and  waiting,  even 
as  I  have  done  these  ten  long  days,  counterfeiting 


i88 


thus  the  thing  that  is  called  rest,  the  prone  body  mak 
ing  outward  sign  of  repose  where  inwardly  is  none." 

Of  course  it  would  have  been  best,  all  round,  for 
Merlin  to  waive  etiquette  and  quit  and  call  it  half  a 
day,  since  he  would  never  be  able  to  start  that  water, 
for  he  was  a  true  magician  of  the  time :  which  is  to 
say,  the  big  miracles,  the  ones  that  gave  him  his  repu 
tation,  always  had  the  luck  to  be  performed  when  no 
body  but  Merlin  was  present ;  he  couldn't  start  this 
well  with  all  this  crowd  around  to  see ;  a  crowd  was 
as  bad  for  a  magician's  miracle  in  that  day  as  it  was 
for  a  spiritualist's  miracle  in  mine :  there  was  sure  to 
be  some  skeptic  on  hand  to  turn  up  the  gas  at  the 
crucial  moment  and  spoil  everything.  But  I  did  not 
want  Merlin  to  retire  from  the  job  until  I  was  ready 
to  take  hold  of  it  effectively  myself ;  and  I  could  not 
do  that  until  I  got  my  things  from  Camelot,  and  that 
would  take  two  or  three  days. 

My  presence  gave  the  monks  hope,  and  cheered 
them  up  a  good  deal ;  insomuch  that  they  ate  a 
square  meal  that  night  for  the  first  time  in  ten  days. 
As  soon  as  their  stomachs  had  been  properly  rein 
forced  with  food,  their  'spirits  began  to  rise  fast; 
when  the  mead  began  to  go  round  they  rose  faster. 
By  the  time  everybody  was  half-seas  over,  the  holy 
community  was  in  good  shape  to  make  a  night  of  it ; 
so  we  stayed  by  the  board  and  put  it  through  on  that 
line.  Matters  got  to  be  very  jolly.  Good  old  ques 
tionable  stories  were  told  that  made  the  tears  run 
down  and  cavernous  mouths  stand  wide  and  the  round 
bellies  shake  with  laughter ;  and  questionable  songs 
were  bellowed  out  in  a  mighty  chorus  that  drowned 
the  boom  of  the  tolling  bells. 


THERE    ARE    WAYS    TO    PERSUADE    HIM    TO    ABANDON    IT 


1 89 

At  last  I  ventured  a  story  myself ;  and  vast  was  the 
success  of  it.  Not  right  off,  of  course,  for  the  native 
of  those  islands  does  not  as  a  rule  dissolve  upon  the 
early  applications  of  a  humorous  thing;  but  the  fifth 
time  I  told  it,  they  began  to  crack,  in  places  ;  the 
eighth  time  I  told  it,  they  began  to  crumble  ;  at  the 
twelfth  repetition  they  fell  apart  in  chunks ;  and  at 
the  fifteenth  they  disintegrated,  and  I  got  a  broom 
and  swept  them  up.  This  language  is  figurative. 
Those  islanders — well,  they  are  slow  pay,  at  first,  in 
the  matter  of  return  for  your  investment  of  effort,  but 
in  the  end  they  make  the  pay  of  all  other  nations  poor 
and  small  by  contrast. 

I  was  at  the  well  next  day  betimes.  Merlin  was 
there,  enchanting  away  like  a  beaver,  but  not  raising 
the  moisture.  He  was  not  in  a  pleasant  humor ;  and 
every  time  I  hinted  that  perhaps  this  contract  was  a 
shade  too  hefty  for  a  novice  he  unlimbered  his  tongue 
and  cursed  like  a  bishop  —  French  bishop  of  the  Re 
gency  days,  I  mean. 

Matters  were  about  as  I  expected  to  find  them. 
The  "  fountain  "  was  an  ordinary  well,  it  had  been  dug 
in  the  ordinary  way,  and  stoned  up  in  the  ordinary 
way.  There  was  no  miracle  about  it.  Even  the  lie 
that  had  created  its  reputation  was  not  miraculous ;  I 
could  have  told  it  myself,  with  one  hand  tied  behind 
me.  The  well  was  in  a  dark  chamber  which  stood  in 
the  centre  of  a  cut  -  stone  chapel,  whose  walls  were 
hung  with  pious  pictures  of  a  workmanship  that  would 
have  made  a  chromo  feel  good  ;  pictures  historically 
commemorative  of  curative  miracles  which  had  been 
achieved  by  the  waters  when  nobody  was  looking. 
That  is,  nobody  but  angels :  they  are  always  on  deck 


190 

when  there  is  a  miracle  to  the  fore  —  so  as  to  get  put 
in  the  picture,  perhaps.  Angels  are  as  fond  of  that  as 
a  fire-company  ;  look  at  the  old  masters. 

The  well-chamber  was  dimly  lighted  by  lamps ;  the 
water  was  drawn  with  a  windlass  and  chain,  by  monks, 
and  poured  into  troughs  which  delivered  it  into  stone 
reservoirs  outside,  in  the  chapel — when  there  was  water 
to  draw,  I  mean — and  none  but  monks  could  enter 
the  well -chamber.  I  entered  it,  for  I  had  temporary 
authority  to  do  so,  by  courtesy  of  my  professional 
brother  and  subordinate.  But  he  hadn't  entered  it 
himself.  He  did  everything  by  incantations ;  he  nev 
er  worked  his  intellect.  If  he  had  stepped  in  there 
and  used  his  eyes,  instead  of  his  disordered  mind,  he 
could  have  cured  the  well  by  natural  means,  and  then 
turned  it  into  a  miracle  in  the  customary  way ;  but 
no,  he  was  an  old  numskull,  a  magician  who  believed 
in  his  own  magic ;  and  no  magician  can  thrive  who  is 
handicapped  with  a  superstition  like  that. 

I  had  an  idea  that  the  well  had  sprung  a  leak;  that 
some  of  the  wall  stones  near  the  bottom  had  fallen 
and  exposed  fissures  that  allowed  the  water  to  escape. 
I  measured  the  chain — 98  feet.  Then  I  called  in  a 
couple  of  monks,  locked  the  door,  took  a  candle,  and 
made  them  lower  me  in  the  bucket.  When  the  chain 
was  all  paid  out,  the  candle  confirmed  my  suspicion  ; 
a  considerable  section  of  the  wall  was  gone,  exposing 
a  good  big  fissure. 

I  almost  regretted  that  my  theory  about  the  well's 
trouble  was  correct,  because  I  had  another  one  that 
had  a  showy  point  or  two  about  it  for  a  miracle.  I 
remembered  that  in  America,  many  centuries  later, 
when  an  oil  well  ceased  to  flow,  they  used  to  blast  it 


out  with  a  dynamite  torpedo.  If  I  should  find  this 
well  dry,  and  no  explanation  of  it,  I  could  astonish 
these  people  most  nobly  by  having  a  person  of  no 
especial  value  drop  a  dynamite  bomb  into  it.  It  was 
my  idea  to  appoint  Merlin.  However,  it  was  plain 
that  there  was  no  occasion  for  the  bomb.  One  cannot 
have  everything  the  way  he  would  like  it.  A  man 
has  no  business  to  be  depressed  by  a  disappointment, 
anyway  ;  he  ought  to  make  up  his  mind  to  get  even. 
That  is  what  I  did.  I  said  to  myself,  I  am  in  no 
hurry,  I  can  wait ;  that  bomb  will  come  good,  yet. 
And  it  did,  too. 

When  I  was  above  ground  again,  I  turned  out 
the  monks,  and  let  down  a  fish -line:  the  well  was 
a  hundred  and  fifty  feet  deep,  and  there  was  forty- 
one  feet  of  water  in  it !  I  called  in  a  monk  and 
asked : 

"How  deep  is  the  well?" 

"  That,  sir,  I  wit  not,  having  never  been  told." 
"  How  does  the  water  usually  stand  in  it?" 
"  Near  to  the  top,  these  two  centuries,  as  the  testi 
mony  goeth,  brought  down  to  us  through  our  prede 
cessors." 

It  was  true — as  to  recent  times  at  least — for  there 
was  witness  to  it,  and  better  witness  than  a  monk: 
only  about  twenty  or  thirty  feet  of  the  chain  showed 
wear  and  use,  the  rest  of  it  was  unworn  and  rusty. 
What  had  happened  when  the  well  gave  out  that  other 
time  ?  Without  doubt  some  practical  person  had 
come  along  and  mended  the  leak,  and  then  had  come 
up  and  told  the  abbot  he  had  discovered  by  divi 
nation  that  if  the  sinful  bath  were  destroyed  the  well 
would  flow  again.  The  leak  had  befallen  again,  now, 


'92 

and  these  children  would  have  prayed,  and  proces 
sioned,  and  tolled  their  bells  for  heavenly  succor  till 
they  all  dried  up  and  blew  away,  and  no  innocent  of 
them  all  would  ever  have  thought  to  drop  a  fish-line 
into  the  well  or  go  down  in  it  and  find  out  what 
was  really  the  matter.  Old  habit  of  mind  is  one  of 
the  toughest  things  to  get  away  from  in  the  world. 
It  transmits  itself  like  physical  form  and  feature ; 
and  for  a  man,  in  those  days,  to  have  had  an  idea 
that  his  ancestors  hadn't  had,  would  have  brought 
him  under  suspicion  of  being  illegitimate.  I  said  to 
the  monk : 

"  It  is  a  difficult  miracle  to  restore  water  in  a  dry 
well,  but  we  will  try,  if  my  brother  Merlin  fails. 
Brother  Merlin  is  a  very  passable  artist,  but  only  in 
the  parlor- magic  line,  and  he  may  not  succeed;  in 
fact  is  not  likely  to  succeed.  But  that  should  be 
nothing  to  his  discredit ;  the  man  that  can  do  this 
kind  of  miracle  knows  enough  to  keep  hotel." 

"  Hotel  ?     I  mind  not  to  have  heard— 

"Of  hotel?  It's  what  you  call  hostel.  The  man 
that  can  do  this  miracle  can  keep  hostel.  I  can  do 
this  miracle ;  I  shall  do  this  miracle ;  yet  I  do  not 
try  to  conceal  from  you  that  it  is  a  miracle  to  tax 
the  occult  powers  to  the  last  strain." 

"  None  knoweth  that  truth  better  than  the  brother 
hood,  indeed  ;  for  it  is  of  record  that  aforetime  it  was 
parlous  difficult  and  took  a  year.  Natheless,  God 
send  you  good  success,  and  to  that  end  will  we 
pray." 

As  a  matter  of  business  it  was  a  good  idea  to  get 
the  notion  around  that  the  thing  was  difficult.  Many 
a  small  thing  has  been  made  large  by  the  right  kind 


*93 

of  advertising.  That  monk  was  filled  up  with  the  diffi 
culty  of  this  enterprise ;  he  would  fill  up  the  others. 
In  two  days  the  solicitude  would  be  booming. 

On  my  way  home  at  noon,  I  met  Sandy.  She  had 
been  sampling  the  hermits.  I  said  : 

"  I  would  like  to  do  that,  myself.  This  is  Wednes 
day.  Is  there  a  matinee  ?" 

"  A  which,  please  you,  sir?" 

"  Matinee.     Do  they  keep  open  afternoons  ?" 

"Who?" 

"The  hermits,  of  course." 

"  Keep  open  ?" 

"  Yes,  keep  open.  Isn't  that  plain  enough  ?  Do 
they  knock  off  at  noon  ?" 

"Knock  off?" 

"Knock  off? — yes,  knock  off.  What  is  the  matter 
with  knock  off?  I  never  saw  such  a  dunderhead: 
can't  you  understand  anything  at  all  ?  In  plain  terms, 
do  they  shut  up  shop,  draw  the  game,  bank  the 
fires—" 

"  Shut  up  shop,  draw — " 

"  There,  never  mind,  let  it  go ;  you  make  me  tired. 
You  can't  seem  to  understand  the  simplest  thing." 

"  I  would  I  might  please  thee,  sir,  and  it  is  to  me 
dole  and  sorrow  that  I  fail,  albeit  sith  I  am  but  a 
simple  damsel  and  taught  of  none,  being  from  the 
cradle  unbaptized  in  those  deep  waters  of  learning 
that  do  anoint  with  a  sovereignty  him  that  partaketh 
of  that  most  noble  sacrament,  investing  him  with 
reverend  state  to  the  mental  eye  of  the  humble 
mortal  who,  by  bar  and  lack  of  that  great  consecra 
tion  seeth  in  his  own  unlearned  estate  but  a  symbol 
of  that  other  sort  of  lack  and  loss  which  men  do 


194 

publish  to  the  pitying  eye  with  sackcloth  trappings 
whereon  the  ashes  of  grief  do  lie  bepowdered  and  be 
strewn,  and  so,  when  such  shall  in  the  darkness  of  his 
mind  encounter  these  golden  phrases  of  high  mystery, 
these  shut-up-shops,  and  draw-the-game,  and  bank-the- 
fires,  it  is  but  by  the  grace  of  God  that  he  burst  not  for 
envy  of  the  mind  that  can  beget,  and  tongue  that  can 
deliver  so  great  and  mellow-sounding  miracles  of 
speech,  and  if  there  do  ensue  confusion  in  that  hum 
bler  mind,  and  failure  to  divine  the  meanings  of  these 
wonders,  then  if  so  be  this  miscomprehension  is  not 
vain  but  sooth  and  true,  wit  ye  well  it  is  the  very 
substance  of  worshipful  dear  homage  and  may  not 
lightly  be  misprized,  nor  had  been,  an  ye  had  noted 
this  complexion  of  my  mood  and  mind  and  under 
stood  that  that  I  would  I  could  not,  and  that  I  could 
not  I  might  not,  nor  yet  nor  might  nor  could,  nor 
might -not  nor  could -not,  might  be  by  advantage 
turned  to  the  desired  zvould,  and  so  I  pray  you  mercy 
of  my  fault,  and  that  ye  will  of  your  kindness  and 
your  chanty  forgive  it,  good  my  master  and  most 
dear  lord." 

I  couldn't  make  it  all  out  —  that  is,  the  details — 
but  I  got  the  general  idea ;  and  enough  of  it,  too,  to 
be  ashamed.  It  was  not  fair  to  spring  those  nine 
teenth  century  technicalities  upon  the  untutored  infant 
of  the  sixth  and  then  rail  at  her  because  she  couldn't 
get  their  drift ;  and  when  she  was  making  the  honest 
best  drive  at  it  she  could,  too,  and  no  fault  of  hers 
that  she  couldn't,  fetch  the  home -plate;  and  so  I 
apologized.  Then  we  meandered  pleasantly  away 
toward  the  hermit-holes  in  sociable  converse  together, 
and  better  friends  than  ever. 


'95 

I  was  gradually  coming  to  have  a  mysterious  and 
shuddery  reverence  for  this  girl ;  for  now-a-days  when 
ever  she  pulled  out  from  the  station  and  got  her  train 
fairly  started  on  one  of  those  horizonless  transconti 
nental  sentences  of  hers,  it  was  borne  in  upon  me  that 
I  was  standing  in  the  awful  presence  of  the  Mother 
of  the  German  Language.  I  was  so  impressed  with 
this,  that  sometimes  when  she  began  to  empty  one 
of  these  sentences  on  me  I  unconsciously  took  the 
very  attitude  of  reverence,  and  stood  uncovered  ;  and 
if  words  had  been  water,  I  had  been  drowned,  sure. 
She  had  exactly  the  German  way :  whatever  was  in 
her  mind  to  be  delivered,  whether  a  mere  remark,  or 
a  sermon,  or  a  cyclopedia,  or  the  history  of  a  war,  she 
would  get  it  into  a  single  sentence  or  die.  Whenever 
the  literary  German  dives  into  a  sentence,  that  is  the 
last  you  are  going  to  see  of  him  till  he  emerges  on 
the  other  side  of  his  Atlantic  with  his  verb  in  his 
mouth. 

We  drifted  from  hermit  to  hermit  all  the  afternoon. 
It  was  a  most  strange  menagerie.  The  chief  emula 
tion  among  them  seemed  to  be,  to  see  which  could 
manage  to  be  the  uncleanest  and  most  prosperous 
with  vermin.  Their  manner  and  attitudes  were  the 
last  expression  of  complacent  self-righteousness.  It 
was  one  anchorite's  pride  to  lie  naked  in  the  mud  and 
let  the  insects  bite  him  and  blister  him  unmolested  ; 
it  was  another's  to  lean  against  a  rock,  all  day  long, 
conspicuous  to  the  admiration  of  the  throng  of  pil 
grims,  and  pray  ;  it  was  another's  to  go  naked,  and 
crawl  around  on  all  fours  ;  it  was  another's  to  drag 
about  with  him,  year  in  and  year  out,  eighty  pounds 
of  iron  ;  it  was  another's  to  never  lie  down  when  he 


196 

slept,  but  to  stand  among  the  thorn-bushes  and  snore 
when  there  were  pilgrims  around  to  look ;  a  woman, 
who  had  the  white  hair  of  age,  and  no  other  apparel, 
was  black  from  crown  to  heel  with  forty-seven  years 
of  holy  abstinence  from  water.  Groups  of  gazing 
pilgrims  stood  around  all  and  every  of  these  strange 
objects,  lost  in  reverent  wonder,  and  envious  of  the 
fleckless  sanctity  which  these  pious  austerities  had 
won  for  them  from  an  exacting  heaven. 

By-and-by  we  went  to  see  one  of  the  supremely 
great  ones.  He  was  a  mighty  celebrity;  his  fame 
had  penetrated  all  Christendom  ;  the  noble  and  the 
renowned  journeyed  from  the  remotest  lands  on  the 
globe  to  pay  him  reverence.  His  stand  was  in  the 
centre  of  the  widest  part  of  the  valley ;  and  it  took 
all  that  space  to  hold  his  crowds. 

His  stand  was  a  pillar  sixty  feet  high,  with  a  broad 
platform  on  the  top  of  it.  He  was  now  doing  what 
he  had  been  doing  every  day  for  twenty  years  up 
there  —  bowing  his  body  ceaselessly  and  rapidly  al 
most  to  his  feet.  It  was  his  way  of  praying.  I  timed 
him  with  a  stop-watch,  and  he  made  1244  revolutions 
in  24  minutes  and  46  seconds.  It  seemed  a  pity  to 
have  all  this  power  going  to  waste.  It  was  one  of 
the  most  useful  motions  in  mechanics,  the  pedal-move 
ment  ;  so  I  made  a  note  in  my  memorandum-book, 
purposing  some  day  to  apply  a  system  of  elastic 
cords  to  him  and  run  a  sewing-machine  with  it.  I 
afterwards  carried  out  that  scheme,  and  got  five  years' 
good  service  out  of  him;  in  which  time  he  turned 
out  upwards  of  eighteen  thousand  first-rate  tow-linen 
shirts,  which  was  ten  a  day.  I  worked  him  Sundays 
and  all  ;  he  was  going,  Sundays,  the  same  as  week- 


197 

days,  and  it  was  no  use  to  waste  the  power.  These 
shirts  cost  me  nothing  but  just  the  mere  trifle  for  the 
materials — I  furnished  those  myself,  it  would  not  have 
been  right  to  make  him  do  that — and  they  sold  like 
smoke  to  pilgrims  at  a  dollar  and  a  half  apiece,  which 
was  the  price  of  fifty  cows  or  a  blooded  race-horse  in 
Arthurdom.  They  were  regarded  as  a  perfect  pro 
tection  against  sin,  and  advertised  as  such  by  my 
knights  everywhere,  with  the  paint-pot  and  stencil- 
plate;  insomuch  that  there  was  not  a  cliff  or  a  bowl 
der  or  a  dead-wall  in  England  but  you  could  read  on 
it  at  a  mile  distance  : 

"  Buy  the  only  genuine  St.  Stylite ;  patronized  by 
the  Nobility.  Patent  applied  for" 

There  was  more  money  in  the  business  than  one 
knew  what  to  do  with.  As  it  extended,  I  brought 
out  a  line  of  goods  suitable  for  kings,  and  a  nobby 
thing  for  duchesses  and  that  sort,  with  ruffles  down 
the  fore-hatch  and  the  running-gear  clewed  up  with 
a  feather-stitch  to  leeward  and  then  hauled  aft  with 
a  back-stay  and  triced  up  with  a  half-turn  in  the  stand 
ing  rigging  forward  of  the  weather-gaskets.  Yes,  it 
was  a  daisy. 

But  about  that  time  I  noticed  that  the  motive 
power  had  taken  to  standing  on  one  leg,  and  I  found 
that  there  was  something  the  matter  with  the  other 
one;  so  I  stocked  the  business  and  unloaded,  tak 
ing  Sir  Bors  de  Ganis  into  camp  financially  along 
with  certain  of  his  friends:  for  the  works  stopped 
within  a  year,  and  the  good  saint  got  him  to  his 
rest.  But  he  had  earned  it.  I  can  say  that  for 
him. 

When  I  saw  him  that  first  time — however,  his  per- 


198 

sonal  condition  will  not  quite  bear  description  here. 
You  can  read  it  in  the  Lives  of  the  Saints.* 

*  All  the  details  concerning  the  hermits,  in  this  chapter,  are 
from  Lecky— but  greatly  modified.  This  book  not  being  a 
history  but  only  a  tale,  the  majority  of  the  historian's  frank 
details  were  too  strong  for  reproduction  in  it.— EDITOR. 


CHAPTER   XXIII 
RESTORATION    OF    THE    FOUNTAIN 

SATURDAY  noon  I  went  to  the  well  and  looked  on 
a  while.  Merlin  was  still  burning  smoke-powders,  and* 
pawing  the  air,  and  muttering  gibberish  as  hard  as 
ever,  but  looking  pretty  down-hearted,  for  of  course 
he  had  not  started  even  a  perspiration  in  that  well 
yet.  Finally  I  said  : 

"  How  does  the  thing  promise  by  this  time,  part 
ner  ?" 

"  Behold,  I  am  even  now  busied  with  trial  of  the 
powerfulest  enchantment  known  to  the  princes  of  the 
occult  arts  in  the  lands  of  the  East ;  an  it  fail  me, 
naught  can  avail.  Peace,  until  I  finish." 

He  raised  a  smoke  this  time  that  darkened  all  the 
region,  and  must  have  made  matters  uncomfortable 
for  the  hermits,  for  the  wind  was  their  way,  and  it 
rolled  down  over  their  dens  in  a  dense  and  billowy 
fog.  He  poured  out  volumes  of  speech  to  match,  and 
contorted  his  body  and  sawed  the  air  with  his  hands 
in  a  most  extraordinary  way.  At  the  end  of  twenty 
minutes  he  dropped  down  panting,  and  about  ex 
hausted.  Now  arrived  the  abbot  and  several  hundred 
monks  and  nuns,  and  behind  them  a  multitude  of 
pilgrims  and  a  couple  of  acres  of  foundlings,  all  drawn 
by  the  prodigious  smoke,  and  all  in  a  grand  state  of 


200 


excitement.  The  abbot  inquired  anxiously  for  results. 
Merlin  said: 

"  If  any  labor  of  mortal  might  break  the  spell  that 
binds  these  waters,  this  which  I  have  but  just  essayed 
had  done  it.  It  has  failed ;  whereby  I  do  now  know 
that  that  which  I  had  feared  is  a  truth  established : 
the  sign  of  this  failure  is,  that  the  most  potent  spirit 
known  to  the  magicians  of  the  East,  and  whose  name 
none  may  utter  and  live,  has  laid  his  spell  upon  this 
well.  The  mortal  does  not  breathe,  nor  ever  will,  who 
can  penetrate  the  secret  of  that  spell,  and  without 
that  secret  none  can  break  it.  The  water  will  flow  no 
more  forever,  good  Father.  I  have  done  what  man 
could.  Suffer  me  to  go." 

Of  course  this  threw  the  abbot  into  a  good  deal  of 
a  consternation.  He  turned  to  me  with  the  signs  of 
it  in  his  face,  and  said  : 

"  Ye  have  heard  him.     Is  it  true  ?" 

"  Part  of  it  is." 

"  Not  all,  then,  not  all !     What  part  is  true  ?" 

"  That  that  spirit  with  the  Russian  name  has  put 
his  spell  upon  the  well." 

"  God's  wownds,  then  are  we  ruined  !" 

"  Possibly." 

"  But  not  certainly  ?     Ye  mean,  not  certainly  ?" 

"  That  is  it." 

"  Wherefore,  ye  also  mean  that  when  he  saith  none 
can  break  the  spell — " 

"  Yes,  when  he  says  that,  he  says  what  isn't  neces 
sarily  true.  There  are  conditions  under  which  an 
effort  to  break  it  may  have  some  chance  —  that  is, 
some  small,  some  trifling  chance — of  success." 

"  The  conditions—" 


201 

"  Oh,  they  are  nothing  difficult.  Only  these :  I 
want  the  well  and  the  surroundings  for  the  space  of 
half  a  mile,  entirely  to  myself  from  sunset  to-day  until 
I  remove  the  ban — and  nobody  allowed  to  cross  the 
ground  but  by  my  authority." 

"  Are  these  all  ?" 
"  Yes." 

"  And  you  have  no  fear  to  try  ?" 
"  Oh,  none.    One  may  fail,  of  course  ;  and  one  may 
also  succeed.     One  can  try,  and  I  am  ready  to  chance 
it.     I  have  my  conditions  ?" 

"  These  and  all  others  ye  may  name.  I  will  issue 
commandment  to  that  effect." 

"Wait,"  said  Merlin,  with  an  evil  smile.  "  Ye  wit 
that  he  that  would  break  this  spell  must  know  that 
spirit's  name  ?" 

"  Yes,  I  know  his  name." 

"  And  wit  you  also  that  to  know  it  skills  not  of  it 
self,  but  ye  must  likewise  pronounce  it  ?  Ha-ha ! 
Knew  ye  that  ?" 

"  Yes,  I  knew  that,  too." 

"  You  had  that  knowledge  !  Art  a  fool  ?  Are  ye 
minded  to  utter  that  name  and  die  ?" 

"  Utter  it  ?  Why  certainly.  I  would  utter  it  if  it 
was  Welsh." 

"  Ye  are  even  a  dead  man,  then ;  and  I  go  to  tell 
Arthur." 

"  That's  all  right.  Take  your  gripsack  and  get 
along.  The  thing  for  you  to  do  is  to  go  home  and 
work  the  weather,  John  W.  Merlin." 

It  was  a  home  shot,  and  it  made  him  wince ;  for  he 
was  the  worst  weather-failure  in  the  kingdom.  When 
ever  he  ordered  up  the  danger-signals  along  the  coast 


202 

there  was  a  week's  dead  calm,  sure,  and  every  time  he 
prophesied  fair  weather  it  rained  brick-bats.  But  I 
kept  him  in  the  weather  bureau  right  along,  to  under 
mine  his  reputation.  However,  that  shot  raised  his 
bile,  and  instead  of  starting  home  to  report  my  death, 
he  said  he  would  remain  and  enjoy  it. 

My  two  experts  arrived  in  the  evening,  and  pretty 
well  fagged,  for  they  had  travelled  double  tides.  They 
had  pack-mules  along,  and  had  brought  everything 
I  needed — tools,  pump,  lead-pipe,  Greek-fire,  sheaves 
of  big  rockets,  roman-candles,  colored-fire  sprays,  elec 
tric  apparatus,  and  a  lot  of  sundries — everything  nec 
essary  for  the  stateliest  kind  of  a  miracle.  They  got 
their  supper  and  a  nap,  and  about  midnight  we  sallied 
out  through  a  solitude  so  wholly  vacant  and  complete 
that  it  quite  overpassed  the  required  conditions.  We 
took  possession  of  the  well  and  its  surroundings.  My 
boys  were  experts  in  all  sorts  of  things,  from  the  ston 
ing  up  of  a  well  to  the  constructing  of  a  mathematical 
instrument.  An  hour  before  sunrise  we  had  that  leak 
mended  in  ship-shape  fashion,  and  the  water  began  to 
rise.  Then  we  stowed  our  fireworks  in  the  chapel, 
locked  up  the  place,  and  went  home  to  bed. 

Before  the  noon  mass  was  over,  we  were  at  the  well 
again  ;  for  there  was  a  deal  to  do,  yet,  and  I  was  de 
termined  to  spring  the  miracle  before  midnight,  for 
business  reasons :  for  whereas  a  miracle  worked  for 
the  Church  on  a  week-day  is  worth  a  good  deal,  it  is 
worth  six  times  as  much  if  you  get  it  in  on  a  Sunday. 
In  nine  hours  the  water  had  risen  to  its  customary 
level ;  that  is  to  say,  it  was  within  twenty-three  feet 
of  the  top.  We  put  in  a  little  iron  pump,  one  of  the 
first  turned  out  by  my  works  near  the  capital;  we 


203 

bored  into  a  stone  reservoir  which  stood  against  the 
outer  wall  of  the  well-chamber  and  inserted  a  section 
of  lead  pipe  that  was  long  enough  to  reach  to  the 
door  of  the  chapel  and  project  beyond  the  threshold, 
where  the  gushing  water  would  be  visible  to  the  two 
hundred  and  fifty  acres  of  people  I  was  intending 
should  be  present  on  the  flat  plain  in  front  of  this 
little  holy  hillock  at  the  proper  time. 

We  knocked  the  head  out  of  an  empty  hogshead 
and  hoisted  this  hogshead  to  the  flat  roof  of  the 
chapel,  where  we  clamped  it  down  fast,  poured  in 
gunpowder  till  it  lay  loosely  an  inch  deep  on  the 
bottom,  then  we  stood  up  rockets  in  the  hogshead 
as  thick  as  they  could  loosely  stand,  all  the  different 
breeds  of  rockets  there  are  ;  and  they  made  a  portly 
and  imposing  sheaf,  I  can  tell  you.  We  grounded 
the  wire  of  a  pocket  electrical  battery  in  that  powder, 
we  placed  a  whole  magazine  of  Greek-fire  on  each 
corner  of  the  roof — blue  on  one  corner,  green  on 
another,  red  on  another,  and  purple  on  the  last — and 
grounded  a  wire  in  each. 

About  two  hundred  yards  off,  in  the  flat,  we  built  a 
pen  of  scantlings,  about  four  feet  high,  and  laid  planks 
on  it,  and  so  made  a  platform.  We  covered  it  with 
swell  tapestries  borrowed  for  the  occasion,  and  topped 
it  off  with  the  abbot's  own  throne.  When  you  are 
going  to  do  a  miracle  for  an  ignorant  race,  you  want 
to  get  in  every  detail  that  will  count ;  you  want  to 
make  all  the  properties  impressive  to  the  public  eye ; 
you  want  to  make  matters  comfortable  for  your  head 
guest ;  then  you  can  turn  yourself  loose  and  play  your 
effects  for  all  they  are  worth.  I  know  the  value  of 
these  things,  for  I  know  human  nature.  You  can't 


204 

throw  too  much  style  into  a  miracle.  It  costs  trouble, 
and  work,  and  sometimes  money ;  but  it  pays  in  the 
end.  Well,  we  brought  the  wires  to  the  ground  at  the 
chapel,  and  then  brought  them  under  the  ground  to 
the  platform,  and  hid  the  batteries  there.  We  put  a 
rope  fence  a  hundred  feet  square  around  the  platform 
to  keep  off  the  common  multitude,  and  that  finished 
the  work.  My  idea  was,  doors  open  at  10.30,  per 
formance  to  begin  at  11.25  sharp.  I  wished  I  could 
charge  admission,  but  of  course  that  wouldn't  answer. 
I  instructed  my  boys  to  be  in  the  chapel  as  early  as 
10,  before  anybody  was  around,  and  be  ready  to 
man  the  pumps  at  the  proper  time,  and  make  the  fur 
fly.  Then  we  went  home  to  supper. 

The  news  of  the  disaster  to  the  well  had  travelled 
far,  by  this  time ;  and  now  for  two  or  three  days  a 
steady  avalanche  of  people  had  been  pouring  into  the 
valley.  The  lower  end  of  the  valley  was  become  one 
huge  camp ;  we  should  have  a  good  house,  no  ques 
tion  about  that.  Criers  went  the  rounds  early  in  the 
evening  and  announced  the  coming  attempt,  which 
put  every  pulse  up  to  fever-heat.  They  gave  notice 
that  the  abbot  and  his  official  suite  would  move  in 
state  and  occupy  the  platform  at  10.30,  up  to  which 
time  all  the  region  which  was  under  my  ban  must  be 
clear;  the  bells  would  then  cease  from  tolling,  and 
this  sign  should  be  permission  to  the  multitudes  to 
close  in  and  take  their  places. 

I  was  at  the  platform  and  all  ready  to  do  the  honors 
when  the  abbot's  solemn  procession  hove  in  sight — 
which  it  did  not  do  till  it  was  nearly  to  the  rope 
fence,  because  it  was  a  starless  black  night  and  no 
torches  permitted.  With  it  came  Merlin,  and  took  a 


20$ 

front  seat  on  the  platform  ;  he  was  as  good  as  his 
word,  for  once.  One  could  not  see  the  multitudes 
banked  together  beyond  the  ban,  but  they  were  there, 
just  the  same.  The  moment  the  bells  stopped,  those 
banked  masses  broke  and  poured  over  the  line  like  a 
vast  black  wave,  and  for  as  much  as  a  half-hour  it  con 
tinued  to  flow,  and  then  it  solidified  itself,  and  you 
could  have  walked  upon  a  pavement  of  human  heads 
to — well,  miles. 

We  had  a  solemn  stage-wait,  now,  for  about  twenty 
minutes — a  thing  I  had  counted  on  for  effect ;  it  is 
always  good  to  let  your  audience  have  a  chance  to 
work  up  its  expectancy.  At  length,  out  of  the  silence 
a  noble  Latin  chant — men's  voices — broke  and  swelled 
up  and  rolled  away  into  the  night,  a  majestic  tide  of 
melody.  I  had  put  that  up,  too,  and  it  was  one  of 
the  best  effects  I  ever  invented.  When  it  was  finished 
I  stood  up  on  the  platform  and  extended  my  hands 
abroad,  for  two  minutes,  with  my  face  uplifted — that 
always  produces  a  dead  hush — and  then  slowly  pro 
nounced  this  ghastly  word  with  a  kind  of  awfulness 
which  caused  hundreds  to  tremble,  and  many  women 
to  faint: 

4<eon$tantinopolitani$chcr4udcl$ack$pfciTcnmachcrsgc$ellschafft!" 

Just  as  I  was  moaning  out  the  closing  hunks  of 
that  word,  I  touched  off  one  of  my  electric  connec 
tions,  and  all  that  murky  world  of  people  stood  re 
vealed  in  a  hideous  blue  glare!  It  was  immense — 
that  effect !  Lots  of  people  shrieked,  women  curled 
up  and  quit  in  every  direction,  foundlings  collapsed 
by  platoons.  The  abbot  and  the  monks  crossed 
themselves  nimbly  and  their  lips  fluttered  with  agi- 


206 


tated  prayers.  Merlin  held  his  grip,  but  he  was  aston 
ished  clear  down  to  his  corns  ;  he  had  never  seen  any 
thing  to  begin  with  that,  before.  Now  was  the  time 
to  pile  in  the  effects.  I  lifted  my  hands  and  groaned 
out  this  word  —  as  it  were  in  agony  — 


—  and  turned  on  the  red  fire  !  You  should  have  heard 
that  Atlantic  of  people  moan  and  howl  when  that 
crimson  hell  joined  the  blue  !  After  sixty  seconds  I 
shouted  — 

"Cransvadltruppentripcntransporttrattipeltbier- 


— and  lit  up  the  green  fire !  After  waiting  only  forty 
seconds,  this  time,  I  spread  my  arms  abroad  and  thun 
dered  out  the  devastating  syllables  of  this  word  of 
words — 

"  IHekKaKiu$e!mannenma$$enmcn= 
cbenmoerdermobrenmuttermarmorttio* 
numcntcnmacbcrr 

— and  whirled  on  the  purple  glare  !  There  they  were, 
all  going  at  once,  red,  blue,  green,  purple  ! — four  furious 
volcanoes  pouring  vast  clouds  of  radiant  smoke  aloft, 
and  spreading  a  blinding  rainbowed  noonday  to  the 
furthest  confines  of  that  valley.  In  the  distance  one 
could  see  that  fellow  on  the  pillar  standing  rigid 
against  the  background  of  sky,  his  seesaw  stopped 
for  the  first  time  in  twenty  years.  I  knew  the  boys 


207 

were  at  the  pump,  now,  and  ready.  So  I  said  to  the 
abbot : 

"  The  time  is  come,  Father.  I  am  about  to  pro 
nounce  the  dread  name  and  command  the  spell  to 
dissolve.  You  want  to  brace  up,  and  take  hold  of 
something."  Then  I  shouted  to  the  people  :  "  Behold, 
in  another  minute  the  spell  will  be  broken,  or  no 
mortal  can  break  it.  If  it  break,  all  will  know  it,  for 
you  will  see  the  sacred  water  gush  from  the  chapel 
door!" 

I  stood  a  few  moments,  to  let  the  hearers  have  a 
chance  to  spread  my  announcement  to  those  who 
couldn't  hear,  and  so  convey  it  to  the  furthest  ranks, 
then  I  made  a  grand  exhibition  of  extra  posturing 
and  gesturing,  and  shouted : 

"  Lo,  I  command  the  fell  spirit  that  possesses  the  holy 
fountain  to  now  disgorge  into  the  skies  all  the  infernal 
fires  that  still  remain  in  him,  and  straightway  dissolve 
his  spell  and  flee  hence  to  the  pit,  there  to  lie  bound 
a  thousand  years.  By  his  own  dread  name  I  com 
mand  it— BGWJJILLIGKKK!" 

Then  I  touched  off  the  hogshead  of  rockets,  and  a 
vast  fountain  of  dazzling  lances  of  fire  vomited  itself 
toward  the  zenith  with  a  hissing  rush,  and  burst  in 
mid-sky  into  a  storm  of  flashing  jewels !  One  mighty 
groan  of  terror  started  up  from  the  massed  people- 
then  suddenly  broke  into  a  wild  hosannah  of  joy — 
for  there,  fair  and  plain  in  the  uncanny  glare,  they 
saw  the  freed  water  leaping  forth !  The  old  abbot 
could  not  speak  a  word,  for  tears  and  the  chokings 
in  his  throat ;  without  utterance  of  any  sort,  he  folded 
me  in  his  arms  and  mashed  me.  It  was  more  elo 
quent  than  speech.  And  harder  to  get  over,  too,  in 


208 

a  country  where  there  were  really  no  doctors  that 
were  worth  a  damaged  nickel. 

You  should  have  seen  those  acres  of  people  throw 
themselves  down  in  that  water  and  kiss  it ;  kiss  it, 
and  pet  it,  and  fondle  it,  and  talk  to  it  as  if  it  were 
alive,  and  welcome  it  back  with  the  dear  names  they 
gave  their  darlings,  just  as  if  it  had  been  a  friend  who 
was  long  gone  away  and  lost,  and  was  come  home 
again.  Yes,  it  was  pretty  to  see,  and  made  me  think 
more  of  them  than  I  had  done  before. 

I  sent  Merlin  home  on  a  shutter.  He  had  caved 
in  and  gone  down  like  a  landslide  when  I  pronounced 
that  fearful  name,  and  had  never  come  to  since.  He 
never  had  heard  that  name  before, — neither  had  I — 
but  to  him  it  was  the  right  one;  any  jumble  would 
have  been  the  right  one.  He  admitted,  afterward, 
that  that  spirit's  own  mother  could  not  have  pro 
nounced  that  name  better  than  I  did.  He  never 
could  understand  how  I  survived  it,  and  I  didn't  tell 
him.  It  is  only  young  magicians  that  give  away  a 
secret  like  that.  Merlin  spent  three  months  working 
enchantments  to  try  to  find  out  the  deep  trick  of 
how  to  pronounce  that  name  and  outlive  it.  But  he 
didn't  arrive. 

When  I  started  to  the  chapel,  the  populace  un 
covered  and  fell  back  reverently  to  make  a  wide  way 
for  me,  as  if  I  had  been  some  kind  of  a  superior 
being — and  I  was.  I  was  aware  of  that.  I  took  along 
a  night-shift  of  monks,  and  taught  them  the  mystery 
of  the  pump,  and  set  them  to  work,  for  it  was  plain 
that  a  good  part  of  the  people  out  there  were  going 
to  sit  up  with  the  water  all  night,  consequently  it  was 
but  right  that  they  should  have  all  they  wanted  of 


209 

it.  To  those  monks  that  pump  was  a  good  deal  of 
a  miracle  itself,  and  they  were  full  of  wonder  over  it; 
and  of  admiration,  too,  of  the  exceeding  effectiveness 
of  its  performance. 

It  was  a  great  night,  an  immense  night.  There 
was  reputation  in  it.  I  could  hardly  get  to  sleep  for 
glorying  over  it. 


CHAPTER  XXIV 
A     RIVAL     MAGICIAN 

MY  influence  in  the  Valley  of  Holiness  was  some 
thing  prodigious  now.  It  seemed  worth  while  to  try 
to  turn  it  to  some  valuable  account.  The  thought 
came  to  me  the  next  morning,  and  was  suggested  by 
my  seeing  one  of  my  knights  who  was  in  the  soap 
line  come  riding  in.  According  to  history,  the  monks 
of  this  place  two  centuries  before,  had  been  worldly 
minded  enough  to  want  to  wash.  It  might  be  that 
there  was  a  leaven  of  this  unrighteousness  still  remain 
ing.  So  I  sounded  a  Brother: 

"  Wouldn't  you  like  a  bath  ?" 

He  shuddered  at  the  thought — the  thought  of  the 
peril  of  it  to  the  well — but  he  said  with  feeling — 

"  One  needs  not  to  ask  that  of  a  poor  body  who  has 
not  known  that  blessed  refreshment  sith  that  he  was  a 
boy.  Would  God  I  might  wash  me !  but  it  may  not 
be,  fair  sir,  tempt  me  not ;  it  is  forbidden." 

And  then  he  sighed  in  such  a  sorrowful  way  that  I 
was  resolved  he  should  have  at  least  one  layer  of  his 
real  estate  removed,  if  it  sized  up  my  whole  influ 
ence  and  bankrupted  the  pile.  So  I  went  to  the 
abbot  and  asked  for  a  permit  for  this  Brother.  He 
blenched  at  the  idea — I  don't  mean  that  you  could 
see  him  blench,  for  of  course  you  couldn't  see  it  with- 


211 


out  you  scraped  him,  and  I  didn't  care  enough  about 
it  to  scrape  him,  but  I  knew  the  blench  was  there,  just 
the  same,  and  within  a  book-cover's  thickness  of  the 
surface,  too — blenched,  and  trembled.  He  said  : 

"  Ah,  son,  ask  aught  else  thou  wilt,  and  it  is  thine, 
and  freely  granted  out  of  a  grateful  heart — but  this, 
oh,  this !  Would  you  drive  away  the  blessed  water 
again  ?" 

"  No,  Father,  I  will  not  drive  it  away.  I  have  mys 
terious  knowledge  which  teaches  me  that  there  was 
an  error  that  other  time  when  it  was  thought  the  insti 
tution  of  the  bath  banished  the  fountain."  A  large 
interest  began  to  show  up  in  the  old  man's  face.  "  My 
knowledge  informs  me  that  the  bath  was  innocent  of 
that  misfortune,  which  was  caused  by  quite  another 
sort  of  sin." 

"  These  are  brave  words — but — but  right  welcome, 
if  they  be  true." 

"  They  are  true,  indeed.  Let  me  build  the  bath 
again,  Father.  Let  me  build  it  again,  and  the  foun 
tain  shall  flow  forever." 

"You  promise  this?  —  you  promise  it?  Say  the 
word — say  you  promise  it !" 

"  I  do  promise  it." 

"Then  will  I  have  the  first  bath  myself!  Go— get 
ye  to  your  work.  Tarry  not,  tarry  not,  but  go." 

I  and  my  boys  were  at  work,  straight  off.  The 
ruins  of  the  old  bath  were  there  yet,  in  the  basement 
of  the  monastery,  not  a  stone  missing.  They  had  been 
left  just  so,  all  these  lifetimes,  and  avoided  with  a 
pious  fear,  as  things  accursed.  In  two  days  we  had  it 
all  done  and  the  water  in — a  spacious  pool  of  clear 
pure  water  that  a  body  could  swim  in.  It  was  run- 


212 

ning  water,  too.  It  came  in,  and  went  out,  through 
the  ancient  pipes.  The  old  abbot  kept  his  word,  and 
was  the  first  to  try  it.  He  went  down  black  and  shaky, 
leaving  the  whole  black  community  above  troubled 
and  worried  and  full  of  bodings ;  but  he  came  back 
white  and  joyful,  and  the  game  was  made !  another 
triumph  scored. 

It  was  a  good  campaign  that  we  made  in  that  Val 
ley  of  Holiness,  and  I  was  very  well  satisfied,  and 
ready  to  move  on, -now,  but  I  struck  a  disappoint 
ment.  I  caught  a  heavy  cold,  and  it  started  up  an 
old  lurking  rheumatism  of  mine.  Of  course  the  rheu 
matism  hunted  up  my  weakest  place  and  located  itself 
there.  This  was  the  place  where  the  abbot  put  his 
arms  about  me  and  mashed  me,  what  time  he  was 
moved  to  testify  his  gratitude  to  me  with  an  embrace. 

When  at  last  I  got  out,  I  was  a  shadow.  But  ev 
erybody  was  full  of  attentions  and  kindnesses,  and 
these  brought  cheer  back  into  my  life,  and  were  the 
right  medicine  to  help  a  convalescent  swiftly  up  tow 
ard  health  and  strength  again  ;  so  I  gained  fast. 

Sandy  was  worn  out  with  nursing,  so  I  made  up 
my  mind  to  turn  out  and  go  a  cruise  alone,  leaving 
her  at  the  nunnery  to  rest  up.  My  idea  was  to  dis 
guise  myself  as  a  freeman  of  peasant  degree  and  wan 
der  through  the  country  a  week  or  two  on  foot.  This 
would  give  me  a  chance  to  eat  and  lodge  with  the 
lowliest  and  poorest  class  of  free  citizens  on  equal 
terms.  There  was  no  other  way  to  inform  myself 
perfectly  of  their  every-day  life  and  the  operation  of 
the  laws  upon  it.  If  I  went  among  them  as  a  gentle 
man,  there  would  be  restraints  and  conventionalities 
which  would  shut  me  out  from  their  private  joys  and 


213 

troubles,  and  I  should  get  no  further  than  the  outside 
shell. 

One  morning  I  was  out  on  a  long  walk  to  get  up 
muscle  for  my  trip,  and  had  climbed  the  ridge  which 
bordered  the  northern  extremity  of  the  valley,  when  I 
came  upon  an  artificial  opening  in  the  face  of  a  low 
precipice,  and  recognized  it  by  its  location  as  a  hermit 
age  which  had  often  been  pointed  out  to  me  from  a 
distance  as  the  den  of  a  hermit  of  high  renown  for  dirt 
and  austerity.  I  knew  he  had  lately  been  offered  a 
situation  in  the  Great  Sahara,  where  lions  and  sand- 
flies  made  the  hermit-life  peculiarly  attractive  and  dif 
ficult,  and  had  gone  to  Africa  to  take  possession,  so  I 
thought  I  would  look  in  and  see  how  the  atmosphere 
of  this  den  agreed  with  its  reputation. 

My  surprise  was  great :  the  place  was  newly  swept 
and  scoured.  Then  there  was  another  surprise.  Back 
in  the  gloom  of  the  cavern  I  heard  the  clink  of  a  little 
bell,  and  then  this  exclamation: 

"  Hello,  Central !  Is  this  you,  Camclot  ?  —Behold, 
thou  mayst  glad  thy  heart  an  thou  hast  faith  to  be 
lieve  the  wonderful  when  that  it  cometh  in  unexpect 
ed  guise  and  maketh  itself  manifest  in  impossible 
places — here  standeth  in  the  flesh  his  mightiness  The 
Boss,  and  with  thine  own  ears  shall  ye  hear  him  speak !" 

Now  what  a  radical  reversal  of  things  this  was;  what 
a  jumbling  together  of  extravagant  incongruities ; 
what  a  fantastic  conjunction  of  opposites  and  irrecon- 
cilables  —  the  home  of  the  bogus  miracle  become  the 
home  of  a  real  one,  the  den  of  a  mediaeval  hermit 
turned  into  a  telephone  office ! 

The  telephone  clerk  stepped  into  the  light,  and  I 
recognized  one  of  my  young  fellows.  I  said : 

is  CY 


214 

"  How  long  has  this  office  been  established  here, 
Ulfius?" 

"  But  since  midnight,  fair  Sir  Boss,  an  it  please  you. 
We  saw  many  lights  in  the  valley,  and  so  judged  it 
well  to  make  a  station,  for  that  where  so  many  lights 
be  needs  must  they  indicate  a  town  of  goodly  size." 

"Quite  right.  It  isn't  a  town  in  the  customary 
sense,  but  it's  a  good  stand,  anyway.  Do  you  know 
where  you  are?" 

"  Of  that  I  have  had  no  time  to  make  inquiry ;  for 
whenas  my  comradeship  moved  hence  upon  their  la 
bors,  leaving  me  in  charge,  I  got  me  to  needed  rest, 
purposing  to  inquire  when  I  waked,  and  report  the 
place's  name  to  Camelot  for  record." 

"  Well,  this  is  the  Valley  of  Holiness." 

It  didn't  take ;  I  mean,  he  didn't  start  at  the  name, 
as  I  had  supposed  he  would.  He  merely  said — 

"  I  will  so  report  it." 

"  Why,  the  surrounding  regions  are  filled  with  the 
noise  of  late  wonders  that  have  happened  here  !  You 
didn't  hear  of  them  ?" 

"  Ah,  ye  will  remember  we  move  by  night,  and 
avoid  speech  with  all.  We  learn  naught  but  that  we 
get  by  the  telephone  from  Camelot." 

"  Why  they  know  all  about  this  thing.  Haven't 
they  told  you  anything  about  the  great  miracle  of  the 
restoration  of  a  holy  fountain?" 

"  Oh,  that  ?  Indeed  yes.  But  the  name  of  this  val 
ley  doth  woundily  differ  from  the  name  of  that  one ; 
indeed  to  differ  wider  were  not  pos — " 

11  What  was  that  name,  then  ?" 

"The  Valley  of  Hellishness." 

"  That  explains  it.    Confound  a  telephone,  anyway. 


It  is  the  very  demon  for  conveying  similarities  of 
sound  that  are  miracles  of  divergence  from  similarity 
of  sense.  But  no  matter,  you  know  the  name  of  the 
place  now.  Call  up  Camelot." 

He  did  it,  and  had  Clarence  sent  for.  It  was  good 
to  hear  my  boy's  voice  again.  It  was  like  being  home. 
After  some  affectionate  interchanges,  and  some  ac 
count  of  my  late  illness,  I  said : 

"What  is  new?" 

"  The  king  and  queen  and  many  of  the  court  do 
start  even  in  this  hour,  to  go  to  your  Valley  to  pay 
pious  homage  to  the  waters  ye  have  restored,  and 
cleanse  themselves  of  sin,  and  see  the  place  where  the 
infernal  spirit  spouted  true  hell-flames  to  the  clouds — 
an  ye  listen  sharply  ye  may  hear  me  wink  and  hear 
me  likewise  smile  a  smile,  sith  'twas  I  that  made  se 
lection  of  those  flames  from  out  our  stock  and  sent 
them  by  your  order." 

"  Does  the  king  know  the  way  to  this  place?" 

"The  king? — no,  nor  to  any  other  in  his  realms, 
mayhap  ;  but  the  lads  that  holp  you  with  your 
miracle  will  be  his  guide  and  lead  the  way,  and  ap 
point  the  places  for  rests  at  noons  and  sleeps  at 
night." 

"  This  will  bring  them  here — when?" 

"  Mid-afternoon,  or  later,  the  third  day." 

"  Anything  else  in  the  way  of  news?" 

"  The  king  hath  begun  the  raising  of  the  standing 
army  ye  suggested  to  him  ;  one  regiment  is  complete 
and  officered." 

"  The  mischief !  I  wanted  a  main  hand  in  that,  my 
self.  There  is  only  one  body  of  men  in  the  kingdom 
that  are  fitted  to  officer  a  regular  army." 


216 

"  Yes — and  now  ye  will  marvel  to  know  there's  not 
so  much  as  one  West  Pointer  in  that  regiment." 

"  What  are  you  talking  about  ?  Are  you  in  ear 
nest  ?" 

"  It  is  truly  as  I  have  said." 

"  Why,  this  makes  me  uneasy.  Who  were  chosen, 
and  what  was  the  method  ?  Competitive  examina 
tion  ?" 

"  Indeed  I  know  naught  of  the  method.  I  but 
know  this  —  these  officers  be  all  of  noble  family,  and 
are  born — what  is  it  you  call  it  ? — chuckleheads." 

"  There's  something  wrong,  Clarence." 

"  Comfort  yourself,  then  ;  for  two  candidates  for  a 
lieutenancy  do  travel  hence  with  the  king — young  no 
bles  both  —  and  if  you  but  wait  where  you  are  you 
will  hear  them  questioned." 

"  That  is  news  to  the  purpose.  I  will  get  one  West 
Pointer  in,  anyway.  Mount  a  man  and  send  him  to 
that  school  with  a  message ;  let  him  kill  horses,  if  nec 
essary,  but  he  must  be  there  before  sunset  to-night 
and  say — " 

"There  is  no  need.  I  have  laid  a  ground  wire  to 
the  school.  Prithee  let  me  connect  you  with  it." 

It  sounded  good  !  In  this  atmosphere  of  telephones 
and  lightning  communication  with  distant  regions,  I 
was  breathing  the  breath  of  life  again  after  long  suffo 
cation.  I  realized,  then,  what  a  creepy,  dull,  inani 
mate  horror  this  land  had  been  to  me  all  these  years, 
and  how  I  had  been  in  such  a  stifled  condition  of 
mind  as  to  have  grown  used  to  it  almost  beyond  the 
power  to  notice  it. 

I  gave  my  order  to  the  superintendent  of  the  Acad 
emy  personally.  I  also  asked  him  to  bring  me  some 


217 

paper  and  a  fountain  pen  and  a  box  or  so  of  safety 
matches.  I  was  getting  tired  of  doing  without  these 
conveniences.  I  could  have  them,  now,  as  I  wasn't 
going  to  wear  armor  any  more  at  present,  and  there 
fore  could  get  at  my  pockets. 

When  I  got  back  to  the  monastery,  I  found  a  thing 
of  interest  going  on.  The  abbot  and  his  monks  were 
assembled  in  the  great  hall,  observing  with  childish 
wonder  and  faith  the  performances  of  a  new  magician, 
a  fresh  arrival.  His  dress  was  the  extreme  of  the  fan 
tastic  ;  as  showy  and  foolish  as  the  sort  of  thing  an 
Indian  medicine -man  wears.  He  was  mowing,  and 
mumbling,  and  gesticulating,  and  drawing  mystical 
figures  in  the  air  and  on  the  floor, — the  regular  thing, 
you  know.  He  was  a  celebrity  from  Asia — so  he  said, 
and  that  was  enough.  That  sort  of  evidence  was  as 
good  as  gold,  and  passed  current  everywhere. 

How  easy  and  cheap  it  was  to  be  a  great  magician 
on  this  fellow's  terms.  His  specialty  was  to  tell  you 
what  any  individual  on  the  face  of  the  globe  was  do 
ing  at  the  moment ;  and  what  he  had  done  at  any 
time  in  the  past,  and  what  he  would  do  at  any  time  in 
the  future.  He  asked  if  any  would  like  to  know  what 
the  Emperor  of  the  East  was  doing  now  ?  The  spar 
kling  eyes  and  the  delighted  rubbing  of  hands  made 
eloquent  answer — this  reverend  crowd  would  like  to 
know  what  that  monarch  was  at,  just  at  this  moment. 
The  fraud  went  through  some  more  mummery,  and 
then  made  grave  announcement : 

"  The  high  and  mighty  Emperor  of  the  East  doth 
at  this  moment  put  money  in  the  palm  of  a  holy  beg 
ging  friar — one,  two,  three  pieces,  and  they  be  all  of 
silver." 


218 


A  buzz  of  admiring  exclamations  broke  out,  all 
around : 

11  It  is  marvellous !"  "  Wonderful !"  "  What  study, 
what  labor,  to  have  acquired  a  so  amazing  power  as 
this!" 

Would  they  like  to  know  what  the  Supreme  Lord 
of  Inde  was  doing?  Yes.  He  told  them  what  the 
Supreme  Lord  of  Inde  was  doing.  Then  he  told  them 
them  what  the  Sultan  of  Egypt  was  at ;  also  what  the 
King  of  the  Remote  Seas  was  about.  And  so  on  and 
so  on ;  and  with  each  new  marvel  the  astonishment  at 
his  accuracy  rose  higher  and  higher.  They  thought 
he  must  surely  strike  an  uncertain  place  sometime  ; 
but  no,  he  never  had  to  hesitate,  he  always  knew,  and 
always  with  unerring  precision.  I  saw  that  if  this 
thing  went  on  I  should  lose  my  supremacy,  this  fel 
low  would  capture  my  following,  I  should  be  left  out 
in  the  cold.  I  must  put  a  cog  in  his  wheel,  and  do  it 
right  away,  too.  I  said  : 

"  If  I  might  ask,  I  should  very  greatly  like  to  know 
what  a  certain  person  is  doing." 
,"  Speak,  and  freely.     I  will  tell  you." 

"  It  will  be  difficult — perhaps  impossible." 

"  My  art  knoweth  not  that  word.  The  more  dif 
ficult  it  is,  the  more  certainly  will  I  reveal  it  to 
you." 

You  see,  I  was  working  up  the  interest.  It  was 
getting  pretty  high,  too ;  you  could  see  that  by  the 
craning  necks  all  around,  and  the  half -suspended 
breathing.  So  now  I  climaxed  it  : 

"If  you  make  no  mistake  —  if  you  tell  me  truly 
what  I  want  to  know — I  will  give  you  two  hundred 
silver  pennies." 


219 

"  The  fortune  is  mine !  I  will  tell  you  what  you 
would  know." 

"  Then  tell  me  what  I  am  doing  with  my  right 
hand." 

"  Ah-h  !"  There  was  a  general  gasp  of  surprise.  It 
had  not  occurred  to  anybody  in  the  crowd — that  sim 
ple  trick  of  inquiring  about  somebody  who  wasn't  ten 
thousand  miles  away.  The  magician  was  hit  hard  ;  it 
was  an  emergency  that  had  never  happened  in  his  ex 
perience  before,  and  it  corked  him ;  he  didn't  know 
how  to  meet  it.  He  looked  stunned,  confused  ;  he 
couldn't  say  a  word.  "Come,"  I  said,  "  what  are  you 
waiting  for?  Is  it  possible  you  can  answer  up,  right 
off,  and  tell  what  anybody  on  the  other  side  of  the 
earth  is  doing,  and  yet  can't  tell  what  a  person  is 
doing  who  isn't  three  yards  from  you  ?  Persons 
behind  me  know  what  I  am  doing  with  my  right 
hand  —  they  will  indorse  you  if  you  tell  correctly." 
He  was  still  dumb.  "  Very  well,  I'll  tell  you  why  you 
don't  speak  up  and  tell  ;  it  is  because  you  don't  know. 
You  a  magician !  Good  friends,  this  tramp  is  a  mere 
fraud  and  liar." 

This  distressed  the  monks  and  terrified  them.  They 
were  not  used  to  hearing  these  awful  beings  called 
names,  and  they  did  not  know  what  might  be  the  con 
sequence.  There  was  a  dead  silence,  now ;  supersti 
tious  bodings  were  in  every  mind.  The  magician 
began  to  pull  his  wits  together,  and  when  he  presently 
smiled  an  easy,  nonchalant  smile,  it  spread  a  mighty 
relief  around ;  for  it  indicated  that  his  mood  was  not 
destructive.  He  said: 

"  It  hath  struck  me  speechless,  the  frivolity  of  this 
person's  speech.  Let  all  know,  if  perchance  there  be 


220 

any  who  know  it  not,  that  enchanters  of  my  degree 
deign  not  to  concern  themselves  with  the  doings  of 
any  but  Kings,  Princes,  Emperors,  them  that  be  born 
in  the  purple  and  them  only.  Had  ye  asked  me 
what  Arthur  the  great  king  is  doing,  it  were  another 
matter,  and  I  had  told  ye  ;  but  the  doings  of  a  subject 
interest  me  not." 

"Oh,  I  misunderstood  you.  I  thought  you  said 
1  anybody,'  and  so  I  supposed  '  anybody  '  included — 
well,  anybody ;  that  is,  everybody." 

"  It  doth— anybody  that  is  of  lofty  birth  ;  and  the 
better  if  he  be  royal." 

"That,  it  meseemeth,  might  well  be,"  said  the 
abbot,  who  saw  his  opportunity  to  smooth  things  and 
avert  disaster,  "  for  it  were  not  likely  that  so  wonder 
ful  a  gift  as  this  would  be  conferred  for  the  revela 
tion  of  the  concerns  of  lesser  beings  than  such  as  be 
born  near  to  the  summits  of  greatness.  Our  Arthur 
the  king—" 

"  Would  you  know  of  him  ?"  broke  in  the  enchanter. 

"  Most  gladly,  yea,  and  gratefully." 

Everybody  was  full  of  awe  and  interest  again,  right 
away,  the  incorrigible  idiots.  They  watched  the  in 
cantations  absorbingly,  and  looked  at  me  with  a 
"There,  now,  what  can  you  say  to  that?"  air,  when 
the  announcement  came: 

"  The  king  is  weary  with  the  chase,  and  lieth  in  his 
palace  these  two  hours  sleeping  a  dreamless  sleep." 

"  God's  benison  upon  him !"  said  the  abbot,  and 
crossed  himself;  "may  that  sleep  be  to  the  refresh 
ment  of  his  body  and  his  soul." 

"  And  so  it  might  be,  if  he  were  sleeping,"  I  said, 
"  but  the  king  is  not  sleeping,  the  king  rides." 


221 


Here  was  trouble  again  —  a  conflict  of  authority. 
Nobody  knew  which  of  us  to  believe ;  I  still  had  some 
reputation  left.  The  magician's  scorn  was  stirred,  and 
he  said : 

"  Lo,  I  have  seen  many  wonderful  soothsayers  and 
prophets  and  magicians  in  my  life-days,  but  none  before 
that  could  sit  idle  and  see  to  the  heart  of  things  with 
never  an  incantation  to  help." 

"  You  have  lived  in  the  woods,  and  lost  much  by 
it.  I  use  incantations  myself,  as  this  good  broth 
erhood  are  aware  —  but  only  on  occasions  of  mo 
ment." 

When  it  comes  to  sarcasaming,  I  reckon  I  know 
how  to  keep  my  end  up.  That  jab  made  this  fellow 
squirm.  The  abbot  inquired  after  the  queen  and  the 
court,  and  got  this  information : 

"  They  be  all  on  sleep,  being  overcome  by  fatigue, 
like  as  to  the  king." 

I  said : 

"  That  is  merely  another  lie.  Half  of  them  are 
about  their  amusements,  the  queen  and  the  other  half 
are  not  sleeping,  they  ride.  Now  perhaps  you  can 
spread  yourself  a  little,  and  tell  us  where  the  king 
and  queen  and  all  that  are  this  moment  riding  with 
them  are  going?" 

"  They  sleep  now,  as  I  said ;  but  on  the  morrow 
they  will  ride,  for  they  go  a  journey  toward  the  sea." 

"  And  where  will  they  be  the  day  after  to-morrow 
at  vespers  ?" 

"  Far  to  the  north  of  Camelot,  and  half  their 
journey  will  be  done." 

"  That  is  another  lie,  by  the  space  of  a  hundred 
and  fifty  miles.  Their  journey  will  not  be  merely 


222 

half  done,  it  will  be  all  done,  and  they  will  be  here,  in 
this  valley." 

That  was  a  noble  shot!  It  set  the  abbot  and  the 
monks  in  a  whirl  of  excitement,  and  it  rocked  the 
enchanter  to  his  base.  I  followed  the  thing  right  up  : 

"  If  the  king  does  not  arrive,  I  will  have  myself 
ridden  on  a  rail ;  if  he  does  I  will  ride  you  on  a  rail 
instead." 

Next  day  I  went  up  to  the  telephone  office  and 
found  that  the  king  had  passed  through  two  towns  that 
were  on  the  line.  I  spotted  his  progress  on  the  suc 
ceeding  day  in  the  same  way.  I  kept  these  matters 
to  myself.  The  third  day's  reports  showed  that  if 
he  kept  up  his  gait  he  would  arrive  by  four  in  the 
afternoon.  There  was  still  no  sign  anywhere  of  inter 
est  in  his  coming ;  there  seemed  to  be  no  prepara 
tions  making  to  receive  him  in  state;  a  strange  thing, 
truly.  Only  one  thing  could  explain  this :  that  other 
magician  had  been  cutting  under  me,  sure.  This  was 
true.  I  asked  a  friend  of  mine,  a  monk,  about  it, 
and  he  said,  yes,  the  magician  had  tried  some  further 
enchantments  and  found  out  that  the  court  had  con 
cluded  to  make  no  journey  at  all,  but  stay  at  home. 
Think  of  that !  Observe  how  much  a  reputation  was 
worth  in  such  a  country.  These  people  had  seen  me 
do  the  very  showiest  bit  of  magic  in  history,  and  the 
only  one  within  their  memory  that  had  a  positive 
value,  and  yet  here  they  were,  ready  to  take  up  with 
an  adventurer  who  could  offer  no  evidence  of  his 
powers  but  his  mere  unproven  word. 

However,  it  was  not  good  politics  to  let  the  king 
come  without  any  fuss  and  feathers  at  all,  so  I  went 
down  and  drummed  up  a  procession  of  pilgrims  and 


223 

smoked  out  a  batch  of  hermits  and  started  them  out 
at  two  o'clock  to  meet  him.  And  that  was  the  sort 
of  state  he  arrived  in.  The  abbot  was  helpless  with 
rage  and  humiliation  when  I  brought  him  out  on  a 
balcony  and  showed  him  the  head  of  the  state  march 
ing  in  and  never  a  monk  on  hand  to  offer  him  wel 
come,  and  no  stir  of  life  or  clang  of  joy-bell  to  glad 
his  spirit.  He  took  one  look  and  then  flew  to  rouse 
out  his  forces.  The  next  minute  the  bells  were  din 
ning  furiously,  and  the  various  buildings  were  vomit 
ing  monks  and  nuns,  who  went  swarming  in  a  rush 
toward  the  coming  procession;  and  with  them  went 
that  magician — and  he  was  on  a  rail,  too,  by  the  ab 
bot's  order ;  and  his  reputation  was  in  the  mud,  and 
mine  was  in  the  sky  again.  Yes,  a  man  can  keep  his 
trade-mark  current  in  such  a  country,  but  he  can't  sit 
around  and  do  it ,  he  has  got  to  be  on  deck  and  at 
tending  to  business,  right  along. 


CHAPTER   XXV 
A   COMPETITIVE    EXAMINATION 

WHEN  the  king  travelled  for  change  of  air,  or 
made  a  progress,  or  visited  a  distant  noble  whom  he 
wished  to  bankrupt  with  the  cost  of  his  keep,  part  of 
the  administration  moved  with  him.  It  was  a  fashion 
of  the  time.  The  Commission  charged  with  the  ex 
amination  of  candidates  for  posts  in  the  army  came 
with  the  king  to  the  Valley,  whereas  they  could  have 
transacted  their  business  just  as  well  at  home.  And 
although  this  expedition  was  strictly  a  holiday  excur 
sion  for  the  king,  he  kept  some  of  his  business  func 
tions  going,  just  the  same.  He  touched  for  the  evil, 
as  usual ;  he  held  court  in  the  gate  at  sunrise  and  tried 
cases,  for  he  was  himself  Chief  Justice  of  the  King's 
Bench. 

He  shone  very  well  in  this  latter  office.  He  was  a 
wise  and  humane  judge,  and  he  clearly  did  his  honest 
best  and  fairest, — according  to  his  lights.  That  is  a 
large  reservation.  His  lights — I  mean  his  rearing — 
often  colored  his  decisions.  Whenever  there  was  a 
dispute  between  a  noble  or  gentleman  and  a  person 
of  lower  degree,  the  king's  leanings  and  sympathies 
were  for  the  former  class  always,  whether  he  suspected 
it  or  not.  It  was  impossible  that  this  should  be  other 
wise.  The  blunting  effects  of  slavery  upon  the  slave- 


225 

holder's  moral  perceptions  are  known  and  conceded, 
the  world  over  ;  and  a  privileged  class,  an  aristocracy, 
is  but  a  band  of  slaveholders  under  another  name. 
This  has  a  harsh  sound,  and  yet  should  not  be  offen 
sive  to  any — even  to  the  noble  himself — unless  the 
fact  itself  be  an  offence  :  for  the  statement  simply  for 
mulates  a  fact.  The  repulsive  feature  of  slavery  is 
the  tiling,  not  its  name.  One  needs  but  to  hear  an 
aristocrat  speak  of  the  classes  that  are  below  him  to 
recognize — and  in  but  indifferently  modified  measure 
— the  very  air  and  tone  of  the  actual  slaveholder ; 
and  behind  these  are  the  slaveholder's  spirit,  the 
slaveholder's  blunted  feeling.  They  are  the  result  of, 
the  same  cause  in  both  cases :  the  possessor's  old  and 
inbred  custom  of  regarding  himself  as  a  superior  being. 
The  king's  judgments  wrought  frequent  injustices, 
but  it  was  merely  the  fault  of  his  training,  his  natural 
and  unalterable  sympathies.  He  was  as  unfitted  for 
a  judgeship  as  would  be  the  average  mother  for  the 
position  of  milk -distributor  to  starving  children  in 
famine-time  ;  her  own  children  would  fare  a  shade 
better  than  the  rest. 

One  very  curious  case  came  before  the  king.  A 
young  girl,  an  orphan,  who  had  a  considerable  estate, 
married  a  fine  young  fellow  who  had  nothing.  The 
girl's  property  was  within  a  seignory  held  by  the 
Church.  The  bishop  of  the  diocese,  an  arrogant 
scion  of  the  great  nobility,  claimed  the  girl's  estate 
on  the  ground  that  she  had  married  privately,  and 
thus  had  cheated  the  Church  out  of  one  of  its  rights 
as  lord  of  the  seignory — the  one  heretofore  referred 
to  as  le  droit  du  seigneur.  The  penalty  of  refusal  or 
avoidance  was  confiscation.  The  girl's  defence  was, 


226 

that  the  lordship  of  the  seignory  was  vested  in  the 
bishop,  and  the  particular  right  here  involved  was  not 
transferable,  but  must  be  exercised  by  the  lord  him 
self  or  stand  vacated ,  and  that  an  older  law,  of  the 
Church  itself,  strictly  barred  the  bishop  from  exer 
cising  it.  It  was  a  very  odd  case,  indeed. 

It  reminded  me  of  something  I  had  read  in  my 
youth  about  the  ingenious  way  in  which  the  aldermen 
of  London  raised  the  money  that  built  the  Mansion 
House.  A  person  who  had  not  taken  the  Sacrament 
according  to  the  Anglican  rite,  could  not  stand  as  a 
candidate  for  sheriff  of  London.  Thus  Dissenters 
were  ineligible ;  they  could  not  run  if  asked,  they 
could  not  serve  if  elected.  The  aldermen,  who  with 
out  any  question  were  Yankees  in  disguise,  hit  upon 
this  neat  device  :  they  passed  a  by-law  imposing  a  fine 
of  ^"400  upon  any  one  who  should  refuse  to  be  a  can 
didate  for  sheriff,  and  a  fine  of  £600  upon  any  person 
who,  after  being  elected  sheriff,  refused  to  serve.  Then 
they  went  to  work  and  elected  a  lot  of  Dissenters,  one 
after  another,  and  kept  it  up  until  they  had  collected 
.£15,000  in  fines;  and  there  stands  the  stately  Man 
sion  House  to  this  day,  to  keep  the  blushing  citizen 
in  mind  of  a  long  past  and  lamented  day  when  a  band 
of  Yankees  slipped  into  London  and  played  games  of 
the  sort  that  has  given  their  race  a  unique  and  shady 
reputation  among  all  truly  good  and  holy  peoples  that 
be  in  the  earth. 

The  girl's  case  seemed  strong  to  me ;  the  bishop's 
case  was  just  as  strong.  I  did  not  see  how  the  king 
was  going  to  get  out  of  this  hole.  But  he  got  out.  I 
append  his  decision : 

"  Truly  I  find  small  difficulty  here,  the  matter  being 


227 

even  a  child's  affair  for  simpleness.  An  the  young 
bride  had  conveyed  notice,  as  in  duty  bound,  to  her 
feudal  lord  and  proper  master  and  protector  the  bish 
op,  she  had  suffered  no  loss,  for  the  said  bishop  could 
have  got  a  dispensation  making  him,  for  temporary 
conveniency,  eligible  to  the  exercise  of  his  said  right, 
and  thus  would  she  have  kept  all  she  had.  Whereas, 
failing  in  her  first  duty,  she  hath  by  that  failure  failed 
in  all ;  for  whoso,  clinging  to  a  rope,  severeth  it  above 
his  hands,  must  fall ;  it  being  no  defence  to  claim  that 
the  rest  of  the  rope  is  sound,  neither  any  deliverance 
from  his  peril,  as  he  shall  find.  Pardy,  the  woman's 
case  is  rotten  at  the  source.  It  is  the  decree  of  the 
Court  that  she  forfeit  to  the  said  lord  bishop  all  her 
goods,  even  to  the  last  farthing  that  she  doth  possess, 
and  be  thereto  mulcted  in  the  costs.  Next !" 

Here  was  a  tragic  end  to  a  beautiful  honeymoon 
not  yet  three  months  old.  Poor  young  creatures ! 
They  had  lived  these  three  months  lapped  to  the  lips 
in  worldly  comforts.  These  clothes  and  trinkets  they 
were  wearing  were  as  fine  and  dainty  as  the  shrewdest 
stretch  of  the  sumptuary  laws  allowed  to  people  of 
their  degree  ;  and  in  these  pretty  clothes,  she  crying 
on  his  shoulder,  and  he  trying  to  comfort  her  with 
hopeful  words  set  to  the  music  of  despair,  they  went 
from  the  judgment  seat  out  into  the  world  homeless, 
bedless,  breadless  ;  why,  the  very  beggars  by  the  road 
sides  were  not  so  poor  as  they. 

Well,  the  king  was  out  of  the  hole ;  and  on  terms 
satisfactory  to  the  Church  and  the  rest  of  the  aristoc 
racy,  no  doubt.  Men  write  many  fine  and  plausible 
arguments  in  support  of  monarchy,  but  the  fact  re 
mains  that  where  every  man  in  a  State  has  a  vote, 


228 

brutal  laws  are  impossible.  Arthur's  people  were  of 
course  poor  material  for  a  republic,  because  they  had 
been  debased  so  long  by  monarchy  ;  and  yet  even  they 
would  have  been  intelligent  enough  to  make  short 
work  of  that  law  which  the  king  had  just  been  admin 
istering  if  it  had  been  submitted  to  their  full  and  free 
vote.  There  is  a  phrase  which  has  grown  so  common 
in  the  world's  mouth  that  it  has  come  to  seem  to  have 
sense  and  meaning — the  sense  and  meaning  implied 
when  it  is  used  :  that  is  the  phrase  which  refers  to  this 
or  that  or  the  other  nation  as  possibly  being  "  capable 
of  self-government;"  and  the  implied  sense  of  it  is, 
that  there  has  been  a  nation  somewhere,  sometime  or 
other  which  wasrit  capable  of  it — wasn't  as  able  to 
govern  itself  as  some  self-appointed  specialists  were  or 
would  be  to  govern  it.  The  master  minds  of  all  na 
tions,  in  all  ages,  have  sprung  in  affluent  multitude 
jfrom  the  mass  of  the  nation,  and  from  the  mass  of  the 
'nation  only — not  from  its  privileged  classes;  and  so, 
no  matter  what  the  nation's  intellectual  grade  was, 
whether  high  or  low,  the  bulk  of  its  ability  was  in  the 
long  ranks  of  its  nameless  and  its  poor,  and  so  it  never 
saw  the  day  that  it  had  not  the  material  in  abundance 
whereby  to  govejrn  itself.  Which  is  to  assert  an  al- 
'  ways  self-proven  fact :  that  even  the  best  governed  and 
most  free  and  most  enlightened  monarchy  is  still  be 
hind  the  best  condition  attainable  by  its  people;  and 
that  the  same  is  true  of  kindred  governments  of  lower 
grades,  all  the  way  down  to  the  lowest. 

King  Arthur  had  hurried  up  the  army  business  alto 
gether  beyond  my  calculations.  I  had  not  supposed 
he  would  move  in  the  matter  while  I  was  away  ;  and 
so  I  had  not  mapped  out  a  scheme  for  determining  the 


229 

merits  of  officers ;  I  had  only  remarked  that  it  would 
be  wise  to  submit  every  candidate  to  a  sharp  and 
searching  examination  ;  and  privately  I  meant  to  put 
together  a  list  of  military  qualifications  that  nobody 
could  answer  to  but  my  West  Pointers.  That  ought 
to  have  been  attended  to  before  I  left ;  for  the  king 
was  so  taken  with  the  idea  of  a  standing  army  that  he 
couldn't  wait  but  must  get  about  it  at  once,  and  get 
up  as  good  a  scheme  of  examination  as  he  could  in 
vent  out  of  his  own  head. 

I  was  impatient  to  see  what  this  was ;  and  to  show, 
too,  how  much  more  admirable  was  the  one  which  I 
should  display  to  the  Examining  Board.  I  intimated 
this,  gently,  to  the  king,  and  it  fired  his  curiosity. 
When  the  Board  was  assembled,  I  followed  him  in, 
and  behind  us  came  the  candidates.  One  of  these 
candidates  was  a  bright  young  West  Pointer  of  mine, 
and  with  him  were  a  couple  of  my  West  Point  pro 
fessors. 

When  I  saw  the  Board,  I  did  not  know  whether  to 
cry  or  to  laugh.  The  head  of  it  was  the  officer  known 
to  later  centuries  as  Norroy  King-at-Arms  !  The  two 
other  members  were  chiefs  of  bureaux  in  his  depart 
ment  ;  and  all  three  were  priests,  of  course;  all  offi 
cials  who  had  to  know  how  to  read  and  write  were 
priests. 

My  candidate  was  called  first,  out  of  courtesy  to 
me,  and  the  head  of  the  Board  opened  on  him  with 
official  solemnity : 

"  Name?" 

"  Mai-ease." 

"Son  of?" 

"  Webster." 

16  CY 


230 

"  Webster — Webster.  H'm — I — my  memory  fail- 
eth  to  recall  the  name.  Condition  ?" 

"  Weaver." 

"  Weaver  ! — God  keep  us !" 

The  king  was  staggered,  from  his  summit  to  his 
foundations ;  one  clerk  fainted,  and  the  others  came 
near  it.  The  chairman  pulled  himself  together,  and 
said  indignantly : 

"  It  is  sufficient.     Get  you  hence." 

But  I  appealed  to  the  king.  I  begged  that  my 
candidate  might  be  examined.  The  king  was  willing, 
but  the  Board,  who  were  all  well-born  folk,  implored 
the  king  to  spare  them  the  indignity  of  examining 
the  weaver's  son.  I  knew  they  didn't  know  enough 
to  examine  him  anyway,  so  I  joined  my  prayers  to 
theirs  and  the  king  turned  the  duty  over  to  my  pro 
fessors.  I  had  had  a  blackboard  prepared,  and  it  was 
put  up  now,  and  the  circus  began.  It  was  beautiful 
to  hear  the  lad  lay  out  the  science  of  war,  and  wallow 
in  details  of  battle  and  siege,  of  supply,  transportation, 
mining  and  countermining,  grand  tactics,  big  strategy 
and  little  strategy,  signal  service,  infantry,  cavalry, 
artillery,  and  all  about  siege  guns,  field  guns,  gatling 
guns,  rifled  guns,  smooth  bores,  musket  practice,  re 
volver  practice — and  not  a  solitary  word  of  it  all  could 
these  catfish  make  head  or  tail  of,  you  understand — 
and  it  was  handsome  to  see  him  chalk  off  mathemat 
ical  nightmares  on  the  blackboard  that  would  stump 
the  angels  themselves,  and  do  it  like  nothing,  too — all 
about  eclipses,  and  comets,  and  solstices,  and  constel 
lations,  and  mean  time,  and  sidereal  time,  and  dinner 
time,  and  bedtime,  and  every  other  imaginable  thing 
above  the  clouds  or  under  them  that  you  could  harry 


231 

or  bullyrag  an  enemy  with  and  make  him  wish  he 
hadn't  come — and  when  the  boy  made  his  military 
salute  and  stood  aside  at  last,  I  was  proud  enough  to 
hug  him,  and  all  those  other  people  were  so  dazed 
they  looked  partly  petrified,  partly  drunk,  and  wholly 
caught  out  and  snowed  under.  I  judged  that  the 
cake  was  ours,  and  by  a  large  majority. 

Education  is  a  great  thing.  This  was  the  same 
youth  who  had  come  to  West  Point  so  ignorant  that 
when  I  asked  him,  "  If  a  general  officer  should  have  a 
horse  shot  under  him  on  the  field  of  battle,  what 
ought  he  to  do?"  answered  up  naively  and  said: 

"  Get  up  and  brush  himself." 

One  of  the  young  nobles  was  called  up,  now.  I 
thought  I  would  question  him  a  little  myself.  I 
said  : 

"  Can  your  lordship  read?" 

His  face  flushed  indignantly,  and  he  fired  this  at 
me: 

"  Takest  me  for  a  clerk?  I  trow  I  am  not  of  a 
blood  that — " 

"  Answer  the  question  !" 

He  crowded  his  wrath  down  and  made  out  to  an 
swer  "  No." 

"  Can  you  write?" 

He  wanted  to  resent  this,  too,  but  I  said : 

"  You  will  confine  yourself  to  the  questions,  and 
make  no  comments.  You  are  not  here  to  air  your 
blood  or  your  graces,  and  nothing  of  the  sort  will  be 
permitted.  Can  you  write?" 

"No." 

"  Do  you  know  the  multiplication  table  ?" 

"  I  wit  not  what  ye  refer  to." 


232 

"  How  much  is  9  times  6?" 

"  It  is  a  mystery  that  is  hidden  from  me  by  reason 
that  the  emergency  requiring  the  fathoming  of  it  hath 
not  in  my  life-days  occurred,  and  so,  not  having  no 
need  to  know  this  thing,  I  abide  barren  of  the  knowl 
edge." 

"  If  A  trade  a  barrel  of  onions  to  B,  worth  2  pence 
the  bushel,  in  exchange  for  a  sheep  worth  4  pence  and 
a  dog  worth  a  penny,  and  C  kill  the  dog  before  deliv 
ery,  because  bitten  by  the  same,  who  mistook  him  for 
D,  what  sum  is  still  due  to  A  from  B,  and  which  party 
pays  for  the  dog,  C,  or  D,  and  who  gets  the  money? 
if  A,  is  the  penny  sufficient,  or  may  he  claim  conse 
quential  damages  in  the  form  of  additional  money  to 
represent  the  possible  profit  which  might  have  inured 
from  the  dog,  and  classifiable  as  earned  increment,  that 
is  to  say,  usufruct?" 

"  Verily,  in  the  all-wise  and  unknowable  providence 
of  God,  who  moveth  in  mysterious  ways  his  wonders 
to  perform,  have  I  never  heard  the  fellow  to  this  ques 
tion  for  confusion  of  the  mind  and  congestion  of  the 
ducts  of  thought.  Wherefore  I  beseech  you  let  the 
dog  and  the  onions  and  these  people  of  the  strange 
and  godless  names  work  out  their  several  salvations 
from  their  piteous  and  wonderful  difficulties  without 
help  of  mine,  for  indeed  their  trouble  is  sufficient  as 
it  is,  whereas  an  I  tried  to  help  I  should  but  damage 
their  cause  the  more  and  yet  mayhap  not  live  myself 
to  see  the  desolation  wrought." 

"  What  do  you  know  of  the  laws  of  attraction  and 
gravitation  ?" 

"  If  there  be  such,  mayhap  his  grace  the  king  did 
promulgate  them  whilst  that  I  lay  sick  about  the  be- 


233 

ginning  of  the  year  and  thereby  failed  to  hear  his 
proclamation." 

"  What  do  you  know  of  the  science  of  optics?" 

"  I  know  of  governors  of  places,  and  seneschals  of 
castles,  and  sheriffs  of  counties,  and  many  like  small 
offices  and  titles  of  honor,  but  him  you  call  the  Sci 
ence  of  Optics  I  have  not  heard  of  before ;  peradvent- 
ure  it  is  a  new  dignity." 

"  Yes,  in  this  country." 

Try  to  conceive  of  this  mollusk  gravely  applying 
for  an  official  position,  of  any  kind  under  the  sun ! 
Why,  he  had  all  the  ear-marks  of  a  type-writer  copy 
ist,  if  you  leave  out  the  disposition  to  contribute  unin 
vited  emendations  of  your  grammar  and  punctuation. 
It  was  unaccountable  that  he  didn't  attempt  a  little 
help  of  that  sort  out  of  his  majestic  supply  of  inca 
pacity  for  the  job.  But  that  didn't  prove  that  he 
hadn't  material  in  him  for  the  disposition,  it  only 
proved  that  he  wasn't  a  type -writer  copyist  yet. 
After  nagging  him  a  little  more,  I  let  the  professors 
loose  on  him  and  they  turned  him  inside  out,  on  the 
line  of  scientific  war,  and  found  him  empty,  of  course. 
He  knew  somewhat  about  the  warfare  of  the  time — 
bushwhacking  around  for  ogres,  and  bull-fights  in  the 
tournament  ring,  and  such  things — but  otherwise  he 
was  empty  and  useless.  Then  we  took  the  other 
young  noble  in  hand,  and  he  was  the  first  one's  twin, 
for  ignorance  and  incapacity.  I  delivered  them  into 
the  hands  of  the  chairman  of  the  Board  with  the  com 
fortable  consciousness  that  their  cake  was  dough. 
They  were  examined  in  the  previous  order  of  pre 
cedence. 

"  Name,  so  please  you  ?" 


234 

"  Pertipole,  son  of  Sir  Pertipole,  Baron  of  Barley 
Mash." 

"  Grandfather  ?" 

"Also  Sir  Pertipole,  Baron  of  Barley  Mash." 

"  Great-grandfather?" 

"  The  same  name  and  title." 

"  Great-great-grandfather?" 

"  We  had  none,  worshipful  sir,  the  line  failing  before 
it  had  reached  so  far  back." 

"  It  mattereth  not.  It  is  a  good  four  generations, 
and  fulfilleth  the  requirements  of  the  rule." 

"  Fulfils  what  rule  ?"  I  asked.     . 

"  The  rule  requiring  four  generations  of  nobility  or 
else  the  candidate  is  not  eligible." 

"  A  man  not  eligible  for  a  lieutenancy  in  the  army 
unless  he  can  prove  four  generations  of  noble  de 
scent  ?" 

"  Even  so;  neither  lieutenant  nor  any  other  officer 
may  be  commissioned  without  that  qualification." 

"  Oh  come,  this  is  an  astonishing  thing.  What 
good  is  such  a  qualification  as  that?" 

"What  good?  It  is  a  hardy  question,  fair  sir  and 
Boss,  since  it  doth  go  far  to  impugn  the  wisdom  of 
even  our  holy  Mother  Church  herself.'* 

"As  how?" 

"  For  that  she  hath  established  the  self-same  rule 
regarding  saints.  By  her  law  none  may  be  canonized 
until  he  hath  lain  dead  four  generations." 

"  I  see,  I  see — it  is  the  same  thing.  It  is  wonderful. 
In  the  one  case  a  man  lies  dead-alive  four  generations 
— mummified  in  ignorance  and  sloth — and  that  quali 
fies  him  to  command  live  people,  and  take  their  weal 
and  woe  into  his  impotent  hands;  and  in  the  other 


235 

case,  a  man  lies  bedded  with  death  and  worms  four 
generations,  and  that  qualifies  him  for  office  in  the 
celestial  camp.  Does  the  king's  grace  approve  of  this 
strange  law?" 

The  king  said  : 

"  Why,  truly  I  see  naught  about  it  that  is  strange. 
All  places  of  honor  and  of  profit  do  belong,  by  nat 
ural  right,  to  them  that  be  of  noble  blood,  and  so 
these  dignities  in  the  army  are  their  property  and 
would  be  so  without  this  or  any  rule.  The  rule  is 
but  to  mark  a  limit.  Its  purpose  is  to  keep  out  too 
recent  blood,  which  would  bring  into  contempt  these 
offices,  and  men  of  lofty  lineage  would  turn  their 
backs  and  scorn  to  take  them.  I  were  to  blame  an  I 
permitted  this  calamity.  You  can  permit  it  an  you 
are  minded  so  to  do,  for  you  have  the  delegated  au 
thority,  but  that  the  king  should  do  it  were  a  most 
strange  madness  and  not  comprehensible  to  any." 

"  I  yield.  Proceed,  sir  Chief  of  the  Herald's  Col 
lege." 

The  chairman  resumed  as  follows  • 

"  By  what  illustrious  achievement  for  the  honor  of 
the  Throne  and  State  did  the  founder  of  your  great 
line  lift  himself  to  the  sacred  dignity  of  the  British 
nobility?" 

"  He  built  a  brewery.'* 

"  Sire,  the  Board  finds  this  candidate  perfect  in  all 
the  requirements  and  qualifications  for  military  com 
mand,  and  doth  hold  his  case  open  for  decision  after 
due  examination  of  his  competitor." 

The  competitor  came  forward  and  proved  exactly 
four  generations  of  nobility  himself.  So  there  was  a 
tie  in  military  qualifications  that  far. 


236 

He  stood  aside,  a  moment',  and  Sir  Pertipole  was 
questioned  further: 

"  Of  what  condition  was  the  wife  of  the  founder  of 
your  line  ?" 

"  She  came  of  the  highest  landed  gentry,  yet  she 
was  not  noble ;  she  was  gracious  and  pure  and  chari 
table,  of  a  blameless  life  and  character,  insomuch  that 
in  these  regards  was  she  peer  of  the  best  lady  in  the 
land." 

"That  will  do.  Stand  down."  He  called  up  the 
competing  lordling  again,  and  asked  :  "  What  was  the 
rank  and  condition  of  the  great-grandmother  who  con 
ferred  British  nobility  upon  your  great  house  ?" 

"  She  was  a  king's  leman  and  did  climb  to  that 
splendid  eminence  by  her  own  unholpen  merit  from 
the  sewer  where  she  was  born." 

"Ah,  this  indeed  is  true  nobility,  this  is  the  right 
and  perfect  intermixture.  The  lieutenancy  is  yours, 
fair  lord.  Hold  it  not  in  contempt ;  it  is  the  humble 
step  which  will  lead  to  grandeurs  more  worthy  of  the 
splendor  of  an  origin  like  to  thine." 

I  was  down  in  the  bottomless  pit  of  humiliation.  I 
had  promised  myself  an  easy  and  zenith-scouring  tri 
umph,  and  this  was  the  outcome  ! 

I  was  almost  ashamed  to  look  my  poor  disappointed 
cadet  in  the  face.  I  told  him  to  go  home  and  be  pa 
tient,  this  wasn't  the  end. 

I  had  a  private  audience  with  the  king,  and  made  a 
proposition.  I  said  it  was  quite  right  to  officer  that 
regiment  with  nobilities,  and  he  couldn't  have  done  a 
wiser  thing.  It  would  also  be  a  good  idea  to  add  five 
hundred  officers  to  it ;  in  fact,  add  as  many  officers  as 
there  were  nobles  and  relatives  of  nobles  in  the  coun- 


237 

try,  even  if  there  should  finally  be  five  times  as  many 
officers  as  privates  in  it ;  and  thus  make  it  the  crack 
regiment,  the  envied  regiment,  the  King's  Own  regi 
ment,  and  entitled  to  fight  on  its  own  hook  and  in  its 
own  way,  and  go  whither  it  would  and  come  when  it 
pleased,  in  time  of  war,  and  be  utterly  swell  and  inde 
pendent.  This  would  make  that  regiment  the  heart's 
desire  of  all  the  nobility,  and  they  would  all  be  satis 
fied  and  happy.  Then  we  would  make  up  the  rest  of 
the  standing  army  out  of  commonplace  materials,  and 
officer  it  with  nobodies,  as  was  proper — nobodies  se 
lected  on  a  basis  of  mere  efficiency — and  we  would 
make  this  regiment  toe  the  line,  allow  it  no  aristo 
cratic  freedom  from  restraint,  and  force  it  to  do  all 
the  work  and  persistent  hammering,  to  the  end  that 
whenever  the  King's  Own  was  tired  and  wanted  to  go 
off  for  a  change  and  rummage  around  amongst  ogres 
and  have  a  good  time,  it  could  go  without  uneasiness, 
knowing  that  matters  were  in  safe  hands  behind  it, 
and  business  going  to  be  continued  at  the  old  stand, 
same  as  usual.  The  king  was  charmed  with  the  idea. 
When  I  noticed  that,  it  gave  me  a  valuable  notion. 
I  thought  I  saw  my  way  out  of  an  old  and  stubborn 
difficulty  at  last.  You  see,  the  royalties  of  the  Pen- 
dragon  stock  were  a  long-lived  race  and  very  fruitful. 
Whenever  a  child  was  born  to  any  of  these — and  it 
was  pretty  often — there  was  wild  joy  in  the  nation's 
mouth,  and  piteous  sorrow  in  the  nation's  heart.  The 
joy  was  questionable,  but  the  grief  was  honest.  Be 
cause  the  event  meant  another  call  for  a  Royal  Grant. 
Long  was  the  list  of  these  royalties,  and  they  were  a 
heavy  and  steadily  increasing  burden  upon  the  treasury 
ana  a  menace  to  the  crown.  Yet  Arthur  could  not 


believe  this  latter  fact,  and  he  would  not  listen  to  any 
of  my  various  projects  for  substituting  something  in 
the' place  of  the  royal  grants.  If  I  could  have  per 
suaded  him  to  now  and  then  provide  a  support  for  one 
of  these  outlying  scions  from  his  own  pocket,  I  could 
have  made  a  grand  to-do  over  it,  and  it  would  have 
had  a  good  effect  with  the  nation  ;  but  no,  he  wouldn't 
hear  of  such  a  thing.  He  had  something  like  a  re 
ligious  passion  for  a  royal  grant ;  he  seemed  to  look 
upon  it  as  a  sort  of  sacred  swag,  and  one  could  not 
irritate  him  in  any  way  so  quickly  and  so  surely  as  by 
an  attack  upon  that  venerable  institution.  If  I  vent 
ured  to  cautiously  hint  that  there  was  not  another  re 
spectable  family  in  England  that  would  humble  itself 
to  hold  out  the  hat — however,  that  is  as  far  as  I  ever 
got ;  he  always  cut  me  short,  there,  and  peremptorily, 
too. 

But  I  believed  I  saw  my  chance  at  last.  I  would 
form  this  crack  regiment  out  of  officers  alone — not  a 
single  private.  Half  of  it  should  consist  of  nobles, 
who  should  fill  all  the  places  up  to  Major  General,  and 
serve  gratis  and  pay  their  own  expenses ;  and  they 
would  be  glad  to  do  this  when  they  should  learn  that 
the  rest  of  the  regiment  would  consist  exclusively  of 
princes  of  the  blood.  These  princes  of  the  blood 
should  range  in  rank  from  Lieutenant  General  up 
to  Field  Marshal,  and  be  gorgeously  salaried  and 
equipped  and  fed  by  the  state.  Moreover — and  this 
was  the  master  stroke  —  it  should  be  decreed  that 
these  princely  grandees  should  be  always  addressed 
by  a  stunningly  gaudy  and  awe-compelling  title,  (which 
I  would  presently  invent,)  and  they  and  they  only 
in  all  England  should  be  so  addressed.  Finally,  all 


239 

princes  of  the  blood  should  have  free  choice :  join 
that  regiment,  get  that  great  title,  and  renounce  the 
royal  grant,  or  stay  out  and  receive  a  grant.  Neatest 
touch  of  all :  unborn  but  imminent  princes  of  the 
blood  could  be  born  into  the  regiment,  and  start  fair, 
with  good  wages  and  a  permanent  situation,  upon  due 
notice  from  the  parents. 

All  the  boys  would  join,  I  was  sure  of  that ;  so,  all 
existing  grants  would  be  relinquished  ;  that  the  newly 
born  would  always  join  was  equally  certain.  Within 
sixty  days  that  quaint  and  bizarre  anomaly,  the  Royal 
Grant,  would  cease  to  be  a  living  fact,  and  take  its 
nlace  among  the  curiosities  of  the  past. 


CHAPTER  XXVI 
THE    FIRST   NEWSPAPER 

WHEN  I  told  the  king  I  was  going  out  disguised  as 
a  petty  freeman  to  scour  the  country  and  familiarize 
myself  with  the  humbler  life  of  the  people,  he  was  all 
afire  with  the  novelty  of  the  thing  in  a  minute,  and 
was  bound  to  take  a  chance  in  the  adventure  himself 
—  nothing  should  stop  him  —  he  would  drop- every 
thing  and  go  along — it  was  the  prettiest  idea  he  had 
run  across  for  many  a  day.  He  wanted  to  glide  out 
the  back  way  and  start  at  once ;  but  I  showed  him 
that  that  wouldn't  answer.  You  see,  he  was  billed  for 
the  king's-evil — to  touch  for  it,  I  mean — and  it  wouldn't 
be  right  to  disappoint  the  house ;  and  it  wouldn't  make 
a  delay  worth  considering,  anyway,  it  was  only  a  one- 
night  stand.  And  I  thought  he  ought  to  tell  the 
queen  he  was  going  away.  He  clouded  up  at  that, 
and  looked  sad.  I  was  sorry  I  had  spoken,  especially 
when  he  said  mournfully  : 

"  Thou  forgettest  that  Launcelot  is  here  ;  and  where 
Launcelot  is,  she  noteth  not  the  going  forth  of  the 
king,  nor  what  day  he  returneth." 

Of  course  I  changed  the  subject.  Yes,  Guenever 
was  beautiful,  it  is  true,  but  take  her  all  around  she 
was  pretty  slack.  I  never  meddled  in  these  matters, 
they  weren't  my  affair,  but  I  did  hate  to  see  the  way 


241 

things  were  going  on,  and  I  don't  mind  saying  that 
much.  Many's  the  time  she  had  asked  me,  "  Sir  Boss, 
hast  seen  Sir  Launcelot  about?"  but  if  ever  she  went 
fretting  around  for  the  king  I  didn't  happen  to  be 
around  at  the  time. 

There  was  a  very  good  lay-out  for  the  king's-evil 
business — very  tidy  and  creditable.  The  king  sat  un 
der  a  canopy  of  state,  about  him  were  clustered  a 
large  body  of  the  clergy  in  full  canonicals.  Conspic 
uous,  both  for  location  and  personal  outfit,  stood  Ma- 
rinel,  a  hermit  of  the  quack-doctor  species,  to  intro 
duce  the  sick.  All  abroad  over  the  spacious  floor, 
and  clear  down  to  the  doors,  in  a  thick  jumble,  lay  or 
sat  the  scrofulous,  under  a  strong  light.  It  was  as 
good  as  a  tableau  ;  in  fact  it  had  all  the  look  of  being 
gotten  up  for  that,  though  it  wasn't.  There  were 
eight  hundred  sick  people  present.  The  work  was 
slow ;  it  lacked  the  interest  of  novelty  for  me,  because 
I  had  seen  the  ceremonies  before ;  the  thing  soon  be 
came  tedious,  but  the  proprieties  required  me  to  stick 
it  out.  The  doctor  was  there  for  the  reason  that  in  all 
such  crowds  there  were  many  people  who  only  imag 
ined  something  was  the  matter  with  them,  and  many 
who  were  consciously  sound  but  wanted  the  immor 
tal  honor  of  fleshly  contact  with  a  king,  and  yet  oth 
ers  who  pretended  to  illness  in  order  to  get  the  piece 
of  coin  that  went  with  the  touch.  Up  to  this  time 
this  coin  had  been  a  wee  little  gold  piece  worth  about 
a  third  of  a  dollar.  When  you  consider  how  much 
that  amount  of  money  would  buy,  in  that  age  and 
country,  and  how  usual  it  was  to  be  scrofulous,  when 
not  dead,  you  will  understand  that  the  annual  king's- 
evil  appropriation  was  just  the  River  and  Harbor  bill 


242 

of  that  government  for  the  grip  it  took  on  the  treas 
ury  and  the  chance  it  afforded  for  skinning  the  sur 
plus.  So  I  had  privately  concluded  to  touch  the 
treasury  itself  for  the  king's-evil.  I  covered  six-sev 
enths  of  the  appropriation  into  the  treasury  a  week 
/before  starting  from  Camelot  on  my  adventures,  and 
ordered  that  the  other  seventh  be  inflated  into  five- 
cent  nickels  and  delivered  into  the  hands  of  the  head 
clerk  of  the  King's  Evil  Department ;  a  nickel  to  take 
the  place  of  each  gold  coin,  you  see,  and  do  its  work 
for  it.  It  might  strain  the  nickel  some,  but  I  judged 
it  could  stand  it.  As  a  rule,  I  do  not  approve  of  wa 
tering  stock,  but  I  considered  it  square  enough  in  this 
case,  for  it  was  just  a  gift,  anyway.  Of  course  you 
can  water  a  gift  as  much  as  you  want  to ;  and  I  gen 
erally  do.  The  old  gold  and  silver  coins  of  the  coun 
try  were  of  ancient  and  unknown  origin,  as  a  rule,  but 
some  of  them  were  Roman  ;  they  were  ill  shapen,  and 
seldom  rounder  than  a  moon  that  is  a  week  past  the 
full ;  they  were  hammered,  not  minted,  and  they  were 
so  worn  with  use  that  the  devices  upon  them  were  as 
illegible  as  blisters,  and  looked  like  them.  I  judged 
that  a  sharp,  bright  new  nickel,  with  a  first-rate  like 
ness  of  the  king  on  one  side  of  it  and  Guenever  on 
the  other,  and  a  blooming  pious  mctto,  would  take 
the  tuck  out  of  scrofula  as  handy  as  a  nobler  coin 
and  please  the  scrofulous  fancy  more;  and  I  was  right. 
This  batch  was  the  first  it  was  tried  on,  and  it  worked 
to  a  charm.  The  saving  in  expense  was  a  notable 
economy.  You  will  see  that  by  these  figures :  We 
touched  a  trifle  over  700  of  the  800  patients  ;  at  for 
mer  rates,  this  would  have  cost  the  government  about 
$240 ;  at  the  new  rate  we  pulled  through  for  about 


''HAST    SEEN    SIR    LAUNCELOT    ABOUT?'" 


243 

$35>  thus  saving  upward  of  $200  at  one  swoop.  To 
appreciate  the  full  magnitude  of  this  stroke,  consider 
these  other  figures:  the  annual  expenses  of  a  national 
government  amount  to  the  equivalent  of  a  contribu 
tion  of  three  days'  average  wages  of  every  individual 
of  the  population,  counting  every  individual  as  if  he 
were  a  man.  If  you  take  a  nation  of  60,000,000  where 
average  wages  are  $2  per  day,  three  days'  wages  taken 
from  each  individual  will  provide  $360,000,000  and 
pay  the  government's  expenses.  In  my  day,  in  my 
own  country,  this  money  was  collected  from  imposts, 
and  the  citizen  imagined  that  the  foreign  importer 
paid  it,  and  it  made  him  comfortable  to  think  so ; 
whereas,  in  fact,  it  was  paid  by  the  American  people, 
and  was  so  equally  and  exactly  distributed  among 
them  that  the  annual  cost  to  the  loo-millionaire  and 
the  annual  cost  to  the  sucking  child  of  the  day-laborer 
was  precisely  the  same — each  paid  $6.  Nothing  could 
be  equaller  than  that,  I  reckon.  Well,  Scotland  and 
Ireland  were  tributary  to  Arthur,  and  the  united  pop 
ulations  of  the  British  Islands  amounted  to  something 
less  that  1,000,000.  A  mechanic's  average  wage  was  3 
cents  a  day,  when  he  paid  his  own  keep.  By  this  rule, 
the  national  government's  expenses  were  $90,000  a 
year,  or  about  $250  a  day.  Thus,  by  the  substitution 
of  nickels  for  gold  on  a  king's-evil  day,  I  not  only  in 
jured  no  one,  dissatisfied  no  one,  but  pleased  all  con 
cerned  and  saved  four -fifths  of  that  day's  national 
expense  into  the  bargain — a  saving  which  would  have 
been  the  equivalent  of  $800,000  in  my  day  in  Amer 
ica.  In  making  this  substitution  I  had  drawn  upon 
the  wisdom  of  a  very  remote  source — the  wisdom  of 
my  boyhood — for  the  true  statesman  does  not  despise 


244 

any  wisdom,  howsoever  lowly  may  be  its  origin  :  in  my 
boyhood  I  had  always  saved  my  pennies  and  contrib 
uted  buttops  to  the  foreign  missionary  cause.  The 
buttons  would  answer  the  ignorant  savage  as  well  as 
the  coin,  the  coin  would  answer  me  better  than  the 
buttons ;  all  hands  were  happy  and  nobody  hurt. 

Marinel  took  the  patients  as  they  came.  He  ex 
amined  the  candidate ;  if  he  couldn't  qualify  he  was 
warned  off  ;  if  he  could  he  was  passed  along  to  the  king. 
A  priest  pronounced  the  words,  "  They  shall  lay  their 
hands  on  the  sick,  and  they  shall  recover."  Then  the 
king  stroked  the  ulcers,  while  the  reading  continued ; 
finally,  the  patient  graduated  and  got  his  nickel — the 
king  hanging  it  around  his  neck  himself — and  was  dis 
missed.  Would  you  think  that  that  would  cure?  It 
certainly  did.  Any  mummery  will  cure  if  the  patient's 
faith  is  strong  in  it.  Up  by  Astolat  there  was  a 
chapel  where  the  Virgin  had  once  appeared  to  a  girl 
who  used  to  herd  geese  around  there — the  girl  said 
so  herself — and  they  built  the  chapel  upon  that  spot 
and  hung  a  picture  in  it  representing  the  occurrence — 
a  picture  which  you  would  think  it  dangerous  for  a 
sick  person  to  approach;  whereas,  on  the  contrary, 
thousands  of  the  lame  and  the  sick  came  and  prayed 
before  it  every  year  and  went  away  whole  and  sound  ; 
and  even  the  well  could  look  upon  it  and  live.  Of 
course  when  I  was  told  these  things  I  did  not  believe 
them ;  but  when  I  went  there  and  saw  them  I  had 
to  succumb.  I  saw  the  cures  effected  myself ;  and 
they  were  real  cures  and  not  questionable.  I  saw 
cripples  whom  I  had  seen  around  Camelot  for  years 
on  crutches,  arrive  and  pray  before  that  picture,  and 
put  down  their  crutches  and  walk  off  without  a  limp. 


245 

There  were  piles  of  crutches  there  which  had  been 
left  by  such  people  as  a  testimony. 

In  other  places  people  operated  on  a  patient's 
mind,  without  saying  a  word  to  him,  and  cured  him. 
In  others,  experts  assembled  patients  in  a  room  and 
prayed  over  them,  and  appealed  to  their  faith,  and 
those  patients  went  away  cured.  Wherever  you  find 
a  king  who  can't  cure  the  king's-evil  you  can  be  sure 
that  the  most  valuable  superstition  that  supports  his 
throne — the  subject's  belief  in  the  divine  appoint 
ment  of  his  sovereign  —  has  passed  away.  In  my 
youth  the  monarchs  of  England  had  ceased  to  touch 
for  the  evil,  but  there  was  no  occasion  for  this  diffi 
dence  :  they  could  have  cured  it  forty-nine  times  in 
fifty. 

Well,  when  the  priest  had  been  droning  for  three 
hours,  and  the  good  king  polishing  the  evidences,  and 
the  sick  were  still  pressing  forward  as  plenty  as  ever, 
I  got  to  feeling  intolerably  bored.  I  was  sitting  by 
an  open  window  not  far  from  the  canopy  of  state. 
For  the  five  hundredth  time  a  patient  stood  forward 
to  have  his  repulsivenesses  stroked  ;  again  those  words 
were  being  droned  out :  "  they  shall  lay  their  hands  on 
the  sick  " — when  outside  there  rang  clear  as  a  clarion 
a  note  that  enchanted  my  soul  and  tumbled  thirteen 
worthless  centuries  about  my  ears:  "Camelot  Weekly 
Hosannak  and  Literary  Volcano  ! — latest  irruption — 
only  two  cents  —  all  about  the  big  miracle  in  the 
Valley  of  Holiness!"  One  greater  .than  kings  had 
arrived — the  newsboy.  But  I  was  the  only  person  in 
all  that  throng  who  knew  the  meaning  of  this  mighty 
birth,  and  what  this  imperial  magician  was  come  into 
the  world  to  do. 
i;CY 


246 

I  dropped  a  nickel  out  of  the  window  and  got  my 
paper ;  the  Adam-newsboy  of  the  world  went  around 
the  corner  to  get  my  change ;  is  around  the  corner 
yet.  It  was  delicious  to  see  a  newspaper  again,  yet 
I  was  conscious  of  a  secret  shock  when  my  eye  fell 
upon  the  first  batch  of  display  head-lines.  I  had  lived 
in  a  clammy  atmosphere  of  reverence,  respect,  def 
erence,  so  long,  that  they  sent  a  quivery  little  cold 
wave  through  me : 

HIGH  TIMES  IN  THE  VALLEY 
OF  HOLINESS! 

THE  WATERWORKS  CORKED  ! 

BRER   MERLIN   WORKS  HIS  ARTS^BXJT   GETS 
LEFT  ! 

But  t  he  Boss  scores  on  his  first  Innings  f 

The  Mitaculous    Well   Uncorked  amid 

awful  outbursts  tf 
INFERNAL    FIRE   AND    SMOKE 

ANDTHUNDER! 

THE    aUZZARD-RCOST   ASTONISHED  ! 

UNPARALLELED    REJOIBINGS  ! 

— and  so  on,  and  so  on.     Yes,  it  was  too  loud.     Once 
I  could  have  enjoyed  it  and  seen  nothing  out  of  the 


247 

way  about  it,  but  now  its  note  was  discordant.  It 
was  good  Arkansas  journalism,  but  this  was  not  Ar 
kansas.  Moreover,  the  next  to  the  last  line  was  cal 
culated  to  give  offence  to  the  hermits,  and  perhaps 
lose  us  their  advertising.  Indeed,  there  was  too  light 
some  a  tone  of  flippancy  all  through  the  paper.  It 
was  plain  I  had  undergone  a  considerable  change 
without  noticing  it.  I  found  myself  unpleasantly 
affected  by  pert  little  irreverencies  which  would  have 
seemed  but  proper  and  airy  graces  of  speech  at  an 
earlier  period  of  my  life.  There  was  an  abundance  of 
the  following  breed  of  items,  and  they  discomforted 

me: 

Local  Smoke  and  Cinders. 

Sir  Launcejo}  met  up  with  old  King 
ygrivance  of  Ireland  unexpectedly  last 
weok  over  on  the  moor  south  of  Sir 
Balmoral  le  Merveilleuse's  hog  dasture. 
The  widow  ha?  been  notified. 

Expedition  No.  3  will  start  adout  the 
first  of  nextjjmgnthjon  a  search  fSr  Sir 
Sagramour  le  Desirous.  It  is  in  com- 
and  of  the  renowned  Knight  of  the  Red 
Lawns,  assissted  by  Sir  Persant  of  Inde, 
who  is  competeQt.  intelligent,  courte 
ous,  and  in  every  A\av  a  bri<rk,  and  fur- 
tHer  assisted  by  Sir  Palamides  the  Sara 
cen,  who  is  no  huckleberry  himself. 
This  is  no  pic-nic,  these  boys  wean 
business. 

The  readers  of  the  hosannah  will  re- 
gict  10  learn  that  the  hadndsome  and 
popular  Sir  Charolais  of  Gaul,  who  dur 
ing  his  four  weeks'  stay  at  the  Bull  and 


248 

Halibut,  this^city,  has  won  every  heart 
by  his  polished  manners  and  elegant 
conversation,  wi21  pull  out  to-day  for 
home.  Give  us  another  cail,  Charley ! 

The  bdsiness  end  of  the  funeral  of 
the  late  Sir  Dalliance  the  duke's  son  of 
Cornwall,  killed  in  an  encounter  wich 
the  Giant  of  the  Knotted  Bludgeon  last 
^uesday  on  the  borders  of  the  Plain  of 
Enchantment  was  in  the  hands  of  the 
ever  affable  and  eujcient  ^Mumble, 
prince  of  un3ertakers,  than  whom  there 
exists  none  by  whom  it  were  a  more 
satisfying  pleasure  to  have  the  last  sad 
ortices  performed.  Give  him  a  trial. 

The  c'-rjial  thanks  of  the  H^sannah 
office  are  due,  from  editor  down  to 
devil,  to  the  ever  courteous  and  thought 
ful  Lord  High  StewAl  of  the  Palace's 
Thrid  Assistant  V^Rt  for  several  sau- 
c<  ts  of  ice  crEam^Fa  quality  calculated 
to  make  the  ey^  ;>f  the  recipients  hu- 
mi  i  with  gr  ^ude ;  and  it  done  it. 
When  this  ^administration  wants  to 
chalk  up  a  desirable  name  for  early 
promotion,  the  Hosannah  would  like  a 
chance  to  sudgest. 

The  Demoiselle  'Irene  (jewlap,  of 
South  Astolat,  is  visiting  her  uncle,  the 
popular  host  of  the  Cattlemen's  Board 
ing  Ho&se,  Liver  Lane,  this  city. 

Young  Barker  the  bellows-mender  is 
hoMe  again,  and  looks  much  improved 
by  his  vacation  round-up  among  the 
out-lying  smithies,  gee  his  ad. 


349 

Of  course  it  was  good  enough  journalism  for  a  be 
ginning  ;  I  knew  that  quite  well,  and  yet  it  was  some 
how  disappointing.  The  "Court  Circular"  pleased 
me  better ;  indeed  its  simple  and  dignified  respect 
fulness  was  a  distinct  refreshment  to  me  after  all 
those  disgraceful  familiarities.  But  even  it  could 
have  been  improved.  Do  what  one  may,  there  is  no 
getting  an  air  of  variety  into  a  court  circular,  I  ac 
knowledge  that.  There  is  a  profound  monotonous- 
ness  about  its  facts  that  baffles  and  defeats  one's  sin- 
cerest  efforts  to  make  them  sparkle  and  enthuse.  The 
best  way  to  manage — in  fact,  the  only  sensible  way — 
is  to  disguise  repetitiousness  of  fact  under  variety  of 
form :  skin  your  fact  each  time  and  lay  on  a  new  cu 
ticle  of  words.  It  deceives  the  eye  ;  you  think  it  is 
a  new  fact  ;  it  gives  you  the  idea  that  the  court  is 
carrying  on  like  everything  ;  this  excites  you,  and 
you  drain  the  whole  column,  with  a  good  appetite, 
and  perhaps  never  notice  that  it's  a  barrel  of  soup 
made  out  of  a  single  bean.  Clarence's  way  was  good, 
it  was  simple,  it  was  dignified,  it  was  direct  and  busi 
ness-like  ;  all  I  say  is,  it  was  not  the  best  way : 

£OURT  CIRCULAR. 

£)n  Monday,  the  ~v[ing  rode  in  the  park. 

"  Tuesday, 

"  Wendesday  "  "             " 

"  Thursday  "  " 

"  Friday,  "  "             * 

"  Saiurday  "  "            " 

«  Sunday, 

However,  take  the  paper  by  and  large,  I  was  vastly 


250 

pleased  with  it.  Little  crudities  of  a  mechanical  sort 
were  observable  here  and  there,  but  there  were  not 
enough  of  them  to  amount  to  anything,  and  it  was 
good  enough  Arkansas  proof-reading,  anyhow,  and 
better  than  was  needed  in  Arthur's  day  and  realm. 
As  a  rule,  the  grammar  was  leaky  and  the  construc 
tion  more  or  less  lame  ;  but  I  did  not  much  mind 
these  things.  They  are  common  defects  of  my  own, 
and  one  mustn't  criticise  other  people  on  grounds 
where  he  can't  stand  perpendicular  himself. 

I  was  hungry  enough  for  literature  to  want  to  take 
down  the  whole  paper  at  this  one  meal,  but  I  got  only 
a  few  bites,  and  then  had  to  postpone,  because  the 
monks  around  me  besieged  me  so  with  eager  ques 
tions:  What  is  this  curious  thing?  What  is  it  for? 
Is  it  a  handkerchief? — saddle  blanket  ? — part  of  a  shirt? 
What  is  it  made  of  ?  How  thin  it  is,  and  how  dainty 
and  frail ;  and  how  it  rattles.  Will  it  wear,  do  you 
think,  and  won't  the  rain  injure  it  ?  Is  it  writing  that 
appears  on  it,  or  is  it  only  ornamentation  ?  They 
suspected  it  was  writing,  because  those  among  them 
who  knew  how  to  read  Latin  and  had  a  smatter 
ing  of  Greek,  recognized  some  of  the  letters,  but 
they  could  make  nothing  out  of  the  result  as  a 
whole.  I  put  my  information  in  the  simplest  form  I 
could: 

"  It  is  a  public  journal ;  I  will  explain  what  that  is, 
another  time.  It  is  not  cloth,  it  is  made  of  paper ; 
some  time  I  will  explain  what  paper  is.  The  lines 
on  it  are  reading  matter ;  and  not  written  by  hand, 
but  printed  ;  by-and-by  I  will  explain  what  printing 
is.  A  thousand  of  these  sheets  have  been  made,  all 
exactly  like  this,  in  every  minute  detail — they  can't 


251 

be  told  apart."     Then  they  all  broke  out  with  excla 
mations  of  surprise  and  admiration  : 

"A   thousand!    Verily  a   mighty  work — a  year's 
work  for  many  men." 

"  No — merely  a  day's  work  for  a  man  and  a  boy." 

They  crossed  themselves,  and  whiffed  out  a  protec 
tive  prayer  or  two. 

"  Ah-h — a  miracle,  a  wonder  !  Dark  work  of  en 
chantment." 

I  let  it  go  at  that.  Then  I  read  in  a  low  voice,  to 
as  many  as  could  crowd  their  shaven  heads  within 
hearing  distance,  part  of  the  account  of  the  miracle 
of  the  restoration  of  the  well,  and  was  accompanied 
by  astonished  and  reverent  ejaculations  all  through : 
"Ah-h-h!"  "  How  true!"  "Amazing,  amazing!" 
"  These  be  the  very  haps  as  they  happened,  in  mar 
vellous  exactness  !"  And  might  they  take  this  strange 
thing  in  their  hands,  and  feel  of  it  and  examine  it? — 
they  would  be  very  careful.  Yes.  So  they  took  it, 
handling  it  as  cautiously  and  devoutly  as  if  it  had 
been  some  holy  thing  come  from  some  supernatural 
region  ;  and  gently  felt  of  its  texture,  caressed  its  pleas 
ant  smooth  surface  with  lingering  touch,  and  scanned 
the  mysterious  characters  with  fascinated  eyes.  These 
grouped  bent  heads,  these  charmed  faces,  these  speak 
ing  eyes — how  beautiful  to  me  !  For  was  not  this 
my  darling,  and  was  not  all  this  mute  wonder  and 
interest  and  homage  a  most  eloquent  tribute  and  un 
forced  compliment  to  it  ?  I  knew,  then,  how  a  moth 
er  feels  when  women,  whether  strangers  or  friends, 
take  her  new  baby,  and  close  themselves  about  it  with 
one  eager  impulse,  and  bend  their  heads  over  it  in  a 
tranced  adoration  that  makes  all  the  rest  of  the  uni- 


252 

verse  vanish  out  of  their  consciousness  and  be  as  if  it 
were  not,  for  that  time.  I  knew  how  she  feels,  and 
that  there  is  no  other  satisfied  ambition,  whether  of 
king,  conqueror  or  poet,  that  ever  reaches  half-way  to 
that  serene  far  summit  or  yields  half  so  divine  a  con 
tentment. 

During  all  the  rest  of  the  stance  my  paper  travelled 
from  group  to  group  all  up  and  down  and  about  that 
huge  hall,  and  my  happy  eye  was  upon  it  always,  and 
I  sat  motionless,  steeped  in  satisfaction,  drunk  with 
enjoyment.  Yes,  this  was  heaven ;  I  was  tasting  it 
once,  if  I  might  never  taste  it  more. 


CHAPTER  XXVII 
THE    YANKEE   AND    THE    KING   TRAVEL    INCOGNITO 

ABOUT  bedtime  I  took  the  king  to  my  private  quar 
ters  to  cut  his  hair  and  help  him  get  the  hang  of  the 
lowly  raiment  he  was  to  wear.  The  high  classes  wore 
their  hair  banged  across  the  forehead  but  hanging  to 
the  shoulders  the  rest  of  the  way  around,  whereas  the 
lowest  ranks  of  commoners  were  banged  fore  and  aft 
both  ;  the  slaves  were  bangless,  and  allowed  their  hair 
free  growth.  So  I  inverted  a  bowl  over  his  head  and 
cut  away  all  the  locks  that  hung  below  it.  I  also 
trimmed  his  whiskers  and  moustache  until  they  were 
only  about  a  half-inch  long ;  and  tried  to  do  it  inar- 
tistically,  and  succeeded.  It  was  a  villanous  disfigure 
ment.  When  he  got  his  lubberly  sandals  on,  and  his 
long  robe  of  coarse  brown  linen  cloth,  which  hung 
straight  from  his  neck  to  his  ankle-bones,  he  was  no 
longer  the  comeliest  man  in  his  kingdom,  but  one  of 
the  unhandsomest  and  most  commonplace  and  unat 
tractive.  We  were  dressed  and  barbered  alike,  and 
could  pass  for  small  farmers,  or  farm  bailiffs,  or  shep 
herds,  or  carters ;  yes,  or  for  village  artisans,  if  we 
chose,  our  costume  being  in  effect  universal  among 
the  poor,  because  of  its  strength  and  cheapness.  I 
don't  mean  that  it  was  really  cheap  to  a  very  poor 
person,  but  I  do  mean  that  it  was  the  cheapest  mate- 


254 

rial  there  was  for  male  attire — manufacturedjnatenaL 
you  understand. 

We  slipped  away  an  hour  before  dawn,  and  by 
broad  sun-up  had  made  eight  or  ten  miles,  and  were 
in  the  midst  of  a  sparsely  settled  country.  I  had  a 
pretty  heavy  knapsack ;  it  was  laden  with  provisions 
—provisions  for  the  king  to  taper  down  on,  till  he 
could  take  to  the  coarse  fare  of  the  country  without 
damage. 

I  found  a  comfortable  seat  for  the  king  by  the  road 
side,  and  then  gave  him  a  morsel  or  two  to  stay  his 
stomach  with.  Then  I  said  I  would  find  some  water 
for  him,  and  strolled  away.  Part  of  my  project  was 
to  get  out  of  sight  and  sit  down  and  rest  a  little  my 
self.  It  had  always  been  my  custom  to  stand,  when 
in  his  presence;  even  at  the  council  board,  except  upon 
those  rare  occasions  when  the  sitting  was  a  very  long 
one,  extending  over  hours ;  then  I  had  a  trifling  little 
backless  thing  which  was  like  a  reversed  culvert  and 
was  as  comfortable  as  the  toothache.  I  didn't  want 
to  break  him  in  suddenly,  but  do  it  by  degrees.  We 
should  have  to  sit  together  now  when  in  company, 
or  people  would  notice ;  but  it  would  not  be  good 
politics  for  me  to  be  playing  equality  with  him  when 
there  was  no  necessity  for  it. 

I  found  the  water,  some  three  hundred  yards  away, 
and  had  been  resting  about  twenty  minutes,  when  I 
heard  voices.  That  is  all  right,  I  thought — peasants 
going  to  work ;  nobody  else  likely  to  be  stirring  this 
early.  But  the  next  moment  these  comers  jingled  into 
sight  around  a  turn  of  the  road — smartly  clad  people 
of  quality,  with  luggage-mules  and  servants  in  their 
train  !  I  was  off  like  a  shot,  through  the  bushes,  by 


255 

the  shortest  cut.  For  a  while  it  did  seem  that  these 
people  would  pass  the  king  before  I  could  get  to  him ; 
but  desperation  gives  you  wings,  you  know,  and  I 
canted  my  body  forward,  inflated  my  breast,  and  held 
my  breath  and  flew.  I  arrived.  And  in  plenty  good 
enough  time,  too. 

"  Pardon,  my  king,  but  it's  no  time  for  ceremony — 
jump  !  Jump  to  your  feet — some  quality  are  coming !" 

"  Is  that  a  marvel?     Let  them  come." 

"  But  my  liege !  You  must  not  be  seen  sitting. 
Rise ! — and  stand  in  humble  posture  while  they  pass. 
You  are  a  peasant,  you  know." 

"  True — I  had  forgot  it,  so  lost  was  I  in  planning  of 
a  huge  war  with  Gaul  " — he  was  up  by  this  time,  but 
a  farm  could  have  got  up  quicker,  if  there  was  any 
kind  of  a  boom  in  real  estate — "  and  right-so  a  thought 
came  randoming  overthwart  this  majestic  dream  the 
which — " 

"  A  humbler  attitude,  my  lord  the  king — and  quick! 
Duck  your  head  ! — more  ! — still  more  ! — droop  it !" 

He  did  his  honest  best,  but  lord  it  was  no  great 
things.  He  looked  as  humble  as  the  leaning  tower  at 
Pisa.  It  is  the  most  you  could  say  of  it.  Indeed  it 
was  such  a  thundering  poor  success  that  it  raised  won 
dering  scowls  all  along  the  line,  and  a  gorgeous  flun 
key  at  the  tail  end  of  it  raised  his  whip ;  but  I  jumped 
in  time  and  was  under  it  when  it  fell ;  and  under  cover 
of  the  volley  of  coarse  laughter  which  followed,  I  spoke 
up  sharply  and  warned  the  king  to  take  no  notice. 
He  mastered  himself  for  the  moment,  but  it  was  a  sore 
tax  ;  he  wanted  to  eat  up  the  procession.  I  said  : 

"  It  would  end  our  adventures  at  the  very  start ;  and 
we,  being  without  weapons,  could  do  nothing  with 


that  armed  gang.  If  we  are  going  to  succeed  In  our 
emprise,  we  must  not  only  look  the  peasant  but  act 
the  peasant." 

"  It  is  wisdom  ;  none  can  gainsay  it.  Let  us  go  on, 
Sir  Boss.  I  will  take  note  and  learn,  and  do  the  best 
I  may." 

He  kept  his  word.  He  did  the  best  he  could,  but 
I've  seen  better.  If  you  have  ever  seen  an  active, 
heedless,  enterprising  child  going  diligently  out  of  one 
mischief  and  into  another  all  day  long,  and  an  anx 
ious  mother  at  its  heels  all  the  while,  and  just  saving 
it  by  a  hair  from  drowning  itself  or  breaking  its  neck 
with  each  new  experiment,  you've  seen  the  king  and 
me. 

If  I  could  have  foreseen  what  the  thing  was  going 
to  be  like,  I  should  have  said,  No,  if  anybody  wants 
to  make  his  living  exhibiting  a  king  as  a  peasant,  let 
him  take  the  layout ;  I  can  do  better  with  a  menage 
rie,  and  last  longer.  And  yet,  during  the  first  three 
days  I  never  allowed  him  to  enter  a  hut  or  other 
dwelling.  If  he  could  pass  muster  anywhere,  during 
his  early  novitiate,  it  would  be  in  small  inns  and  on 
the  road ;  so  to  these  places  we  confined  ourselves. 
Yes,  he  certainly  did  the  best  he  could,  but  what  of 
that?  He  didn't  improve  a  bit  that  I  could  see. 

He  was  always  frightening  me,  always  breaking  out 
with  fresh  astonishers,  in  new  and  unexpected  places. 
Toward  evening  on  the  second  day,  what  does  he  do 
but  blandly  fetch  out  a  dirk  from  inside  his  robe ! 
"  Great  guns,  my  liege,  where  did  you  get  that  ?" 
"  From  a  smuggler  at  the  inn,  yester  eve." 
"  What  in  the  world  possessed  you  to  buy  it  ?" 
"  We  have  escaped  divers  dangers  by  wit — thy  wit 


257 

— but  I  have  bethought  me  that  it  were  but  prudence 
if  I  bore  a  weapon,  too.  Thine  might  fail  thee  in 
some  pinch." 

"  But  people  of  our  condition  are  not  allowed  to 
carry  arms.  What  would  a  lord  say  —  yes,  or  any 
other  person  of  whatever  condition — if  he  caught  an 
upstart  peasant  with  a  dagger  on  his  person  ?" 

It  was  a  lucky  thing  for  us  that  nobody  came  along 
just  then.  I  persuaded  him  to  throw  the  dirk  away ; 
and  it  was  as  easy  as  persuading  a  child  to  give  up 
some  bright  fresh  new  way  of  killing  itself.  We 
walked  along,  silent  and  thinking.  Finally  the  king 
said  : 

"  When  ye  know  that  I  meditate  a  thing  inconven 
ient,  or  that  hath  a  peril  in  it,  why  do  you  not  warn 
me  to  cease  from  that  project?" 

It  was  a  startling  question,  and  a  puzzler.  I  didn't 
quite  know  how  to  take  hold  of  it,  or  what  to  say,  and 
so  of  course  I  ended  by  saying  the  natural  thing : 

"  But  sire,  how  can  /  know  what  your  thoughts 
are  ?" 

The  king  stopped  dead  in  his  tracks,  and  stared  at 
me. 

"  I  believed  thou  wert  greater  than  Merlin ;  and 
truly  in  magic  thou  art.  But  prophecy  is  greater  than 
magic.  Merlin  is  a  prophet." 

I  saw  I  had  made  a  blunder.  I  must  get  back  my 
lost  ground.  After  deep  reflection  and  careful  plan 
ning,  I  said : 

"  Sire,  I  have  been  misunderstood.  I  will  explain. 
There  are  two  kinds  of  prophecy.  One  is  the  gift  to 
foretell  things  that  are  but  a  little  way  off,  the  other 
is  the  gift  to  foretell  things  that  are  whole  ages  and 


258 

centuries  away.  Which  is  the  mightier  gift,  do  you 
think  ?" 

"  Oh,  the  last,  most  surely  !" 

"  True.     Does  Merlin  possess  it  ?" 

"  Partly,  yes.  He  foretold  mysteries  about  my  birth 
and  future  kingship  that  were  twenty  years  away." 

"  Has  he  ever  gone  beyond  that  ?" 

"  He  would  not  claim  more,  I  think." 

"  It  is  probably  his  limit.  All  prophets  have  their 
limit.  The  limit  of  some  of  the  great  prophets  has 
been  a  hundred  years." 

"These  are  few,  I  ween." 

"  There  have  been  two  still  greater  ones,  whose 
limit  was  four  hundred  and  six  hundred  years,  and 
one  whose  limit  compassed  even  seven  hundred  and 
twenty." 

"  Gramercy,  it  is  marvellous !" 

"  But  what  are  these  in  comparison  with  me  ?  They 
are  nothing." 

"  What  ?  Canst  thou  truly  look  beyond  even  so 
vast  a  stretch  of  time  as — " 

"  Seven  hundred  years  ?  My  liege,  as  clear  as  the 
vision  of  an  eagle  does  my  prophetic  eye  penetrate 
and  lay  bare  the  future  of  this  world  for  nearly  thir 
teen  centuries  and  a  half!" 

My  land,  you  should  have  seen  the  king's  eyes 
spread  slowly  open,  and  lift  the  earth's  entire  atmos 
phere  as  much  as  an  inch !  That  settled  Brer  Merlin. 
One  never  had  any  occasion  to  prove  his  facts,  with 
these  people ;  all  he  had  to  do  was  to  state  them. 
It  never  occurred  to  anybody  to  doubt  the  state 
ment. 

"  Now,   then,"  I    continued,   "  I   could  work   both 


259 

kinds  of  prophecy  —  the  long  and  the  short  —  if  I 
chose  to  take  the  trouble  to  keep  in  practice ;  but 
I  seldom  exercise  any  but  the  long  kind,  because 
the  other  is  beneath  my  dignity.  It  is  properer  to 
Merlin's  sort — stump-tail  prophets,  as  we  call  them  in 
the  profession.  Of  course  I  whet  up  now  and  then 
and  flirt  out  a  minor  prophecy,  but  not  often — hard 
ly  ever,  in  fact.  You  will  remember  that  there  was 
great  talk,  when  you  reached  the  Valley  of  Holiness, 
about  my  having  prophesied  your  coming  and  the 
very  hour  of  your  arrival,  two  or  three  days  before 
hand." 

"  Indeed,  yes,  I  mind  it  now." 

"Well,  I  could  have  done  it  as  much  as  forty  times 
easier,  and  piled  on  a  thousand  times  more  detail  into 
the  bargain,  if  it  had  been  five  hundred  years  away 
instead  of  two  or  three  days." 

"  How  amazing  that  it  should  be  so  !" 

"Yes,  a  genuine  expert  can  always  foretell  a  thing 
that  is  five  hundred  years  away  easier  than  he  can  a 
thing  that's  only  five  hundred  seconds  off." 

"And  yet  in  reason  it  should  clearly  be  the  other 
way ;  it  should  be  five  hundred  times  as  easy  to  fore 
tell  the  last  as  the  first,  for  indeed  it  is  so  close  by 
that  one  uninspired  might  almost  see  it.  In  truth  the 
law  of  prophecy  doth  contradict  the  likelihoods,  most 
strangely  making  the  difficult  easy,  and  the  easy  diffi 
cult." 

It  was  a  wise  head.  A  peasant's  cap  was  no  safe 
disguise  for  it ;  you  could  know  it  for  a  king's,  under 
a  diving-bell,  if  you  could  hear  it  work  its  intellect. 

I  had  a  new  trade,  now,  and  plenty  of  business  in  it. 
The  king  was  as  hungry  to  find  out  everything  that 


260 

was  going  to  happen  during  the  next  thirteen  cen- 
turies  as  if  he  were  expecting  to  live  in  them.  From 
that  time  out,  I  prophesied  myself  bald-headed  trying 
to  supply  the  demand.  I  have  done  some  indiscreet 
things  in  my  day,  but  this  thing  of  playing  myself  for 
a  prophet  was  the  worst.  Still,  it  had  its  ameliora 
tions.  A  prophet  doesn't  have  to  have  any  brains. 
They  are  good  to  have,  of  course,  for  the  ordinary 
exigencies  of  life,  but  they  are  no  use  in  professional 
work.  It  is  the  restfulest  vocation  there  is.  When 
the  spirit  of  prophecy  comes  upon  you,  you  merely 
cake  your  intellect  and  lay  it  off  in  a  cool  place  for  a 
rest,  and  unship  your  jaw  and  leave  it  alone ;  it  will 
work  itself :  the  result  is  prophecy. 

Every  day  a  knight-errant  or  so  came  along,  and 
the  sight  of  them  fired  the  king's  martial  spirit  every 
time.  He  would  have  forgotten  himself,  sure,  and 
said  something  to  them  in  a  style  a  suspicious  shade 
or  so  above  his  ostensible  degree,  and  so  I  always  got 
him  well  out  of  the  road  in  time.  Then  he  would 
stand,  and  look  with  all  his  eyes ;  and  a  proud  light 
would  flash  from  them,  and  his  nostrils  would  inflate 
like  a  war-horse's,  and  I  knew  he  was  longing  for  a 
brush  with  them.  But  about  noon  of  the  third  day  I 
had  stopped  in  the  road  to  take  a  precaution  which 
had  been  suggested  by  the  whip-stroke  that  had  fallen 
to  my  share  two  days  before  ;  a  precaution  which  I 
had  afterward  decided  to  leave  untaken,  I  was  so 
loath  to  institute  it ;  but  now  I  had  just  had  a  fresh 
reminder:  while  striding  heedlessly  along,  with  jaw 
spread  and  intellect  at  rest,  for  I  was  prophesying,  I 
stubbed  my  toe  and  fell  sprawling.  I  was  so  pale  I 
couldn't  think,  for  a  moment ;  then  I  got  softly  and 


26l 

carefully  up  and  unstrapped  my  knapsack.  I  had  that 
dynamite  bomb  in  it,  done  up  in  wool,  in  a  box.  It 
was  a  good  thing  to  have  along ;  the  time  would  come 
when  I  could  do  a  valuable  miracle  with  it,  maybe, 
but  it  was  a  nervous  thing  to  have  about  me,  and  I 
didn't  like  to  ask  the  king  to  carry  it.  Yet  I  must 
either  throw  it  away  or  think  up  some  safe  way  to  get 
along  with  its  society.  I  got  it  out  and  slipped  it  into 
my  scrip,  and  just  then,  here  came  a  couple  of  knights. 
The  king  stood,  stately  as  a  statue,  gazing  toward 
them  —  had  forgotten  himself  again,  of  course — and 
before  I  could  get  a  word  of  warning  out,  it  was  time 
for  him  to  skip,  and  well  that  he  did  it,  too.  He  sup 
posed  they  would  turn  aside.  Turn  aside  to  avoid 
trampling  peasant  dirt  under  foot?  When  had  he 
ever  turned  aside  himself — or  ever  had  the  chance  to 
do  it,  if  a  peasant  saw  him  or  any  other  noble  knight 
in  time  to  judiciously  save  him  the  trouble  ?  The 
knights  paid  no  attention  to  the  king  at  all ;  it  was 
his  place  to  look  out  himself,  and  if  he  hadn't  skipped 
he  would  have  been  placidly  ridden  down,  and  laughed 
at  besides. 

The  king  was  in  a  flaming  fury,  and  launched  out 
his  challenge  and  epithets  with  a  most  royal  vigor. 
The  knights  were  some  little  distance  by,  now.  They 
halted,  greatly  surprised,  and  turned  in  their  saddles 
and  looked  back,  as  if  wondering  if  it  might  be  worth 
while  to  bother  with  such  scum  as  we.  Then  they 
wheeled  and  started  for  us.  Not  a  moment  must  be 
lost.  I  started  for  them.  I  passed  them  at  a  rattling 
gait,  and  as  I  went  by  I  flung  out  a  hair-lifting  soul- 
scorching  thirteen-jointed  insult  which  made  the  king's 

effort  poor  and  cheap  by  comparison.     I  got  it  out  of 

iSCY 


262 

the  nineteenth  century  where  they  know  how.  They 
had  such  headway  that  they  were  nearly  to  the  king 
before  they  could  check  up ;  then,  frantic  with  rage, 
they  stood  up  their  horses  on  their  hind  hoofs  and 
whirled  them  around,  and  the  next  moment  here  they 
came,  breast  to  breast.  I  was  seventy  yards  off,  then, 
and  scrambling  up  a  great  bowlder  at  the  road-side. 
When  they  were  within  thirty  yards  of  me  they  let 
their  long  lances  droop  to  a  level,  depressed  their 
mailed  heads,  and  so,  with  their  horse -hair  plumes 
streaming  straight  out  behind,  most  gallant  to  see, 
this  lightning  express  came  tearing  for  me !  When 
they  were  within  fifteen  yards,  I  sent  that  bomb  with 
a  sure  aim,  and  it  struck  the  ground  just  under  the 
horses'  noses. 

Yes,  it  was  a  neat  thing,  very  neat  and  pretty  to 
see.  It  resembled  a  steamboat  explosion  on  the 
Mississippi ;  and  during  the  next  fifteen  minutes  we 
stood  under  a  steady  drizzle  of  microscopic  fragments 
of  knights  and  hardware  and  horse-flesh.  I  say  we, 
for  the  king  joined  the  audience,  of  course,  as  soon  as 
he  had  got  his  breath  again.  There  was  a  hole  there 
which  would  afford  steady  work  for  all  the  people  in 
that  region  for  some  years  to  come — in  trying  to  ex 
plain  it,  I  mean ;  as  for  filling  it  up,  that  service  would 
be  comparatively  prompt,  and  would  fall  to  the  lot  of 
a  select  few  —  peasants  of  that  seignory ;  and  they 
wouldn't  get  anything  for  it,  either. 

But  I  explained  it  to  the  king  myself.  I  said  it  was 
done  with  a  dynamite  bomb.  This  information  did 
him  no  damage,  because  it  left  him  as  intelligent  as  he 
was  before.  However,  it  was  a  noble  miracle,  in  his 
eyes,  and  was  another  settler  for  Merlin.  I  thought 


it  well  enough  to  explain  that  this  was  a  miracle  of  so 
rare  a  sort  that  it  couldn't  be  done  except  when  the 
atmospheric  conditions  were  just  right.  Otherwise  he 
would  be  encoring  it  every  time  we  had  a  good  sub 
ject,  and  that  would  be  inconvenient,  because  I  hadn't 
any  more  bombs  along. 


CHAPTER  XXVIIi 
DRILLING    THE     KING 

ON  the  morning  of  the  fourth  day,  when  it  was  just 
sunrise,  and  we  had  been  tramping  an  hour  in  the 
chill  dawn,  I  came  to  a  resolution :  the  king  must  be 
drilled ;  things  could  not  go  on  so,  he  must  be  taken 
in  hand  and  deliberately  and  conscientiously  drilled, 
or  we  couldn't  ever  venture  to  enter  a  dwelling ;  the 
very  cats  would  know  this  masquerader  for  a  humbug 
and  no  peasant.  So  I  called  a  halt  and  said : 

"  Sire,  as  between  clothes  and  countenance,  you  are 
all  right,  there  is  no  discrepancy;  but  as  between  your 
clothes  and  your  bearing,  you  are  all  wrong,  there  is  a 
most  noticeable  discrepancy.  Your  soldierly  stride, 
your  lordly  port — these  will  not  do.  You  stand  too 
straight,  your  looks  are  too  high,  too  confident.  The 
cares  of  a  kingdom  do  not  stoop  the  shoulders,  they 
do  not  droop  the  chin,  they  do  not  depress  the  high 
level  of  the  eye -glance,  they  do  not  put  doubt  and 
fear  in  the  heart  and  hang  out  the  signs  of  them  in 
slouching  body  and  unsure  step.  It  is  the  sordid  cares 
of  the  lowly  born  that  do  these  things.  You  must 
learn  the  trick;  you  must  imitate  the  trade -marks  of 
poverty,  misery,  oppression,  insult,  and  the  other  sev 
eral  and  common  inhumanities  that  sap  the  manliness 
out  of  a  man  and  make  him  a  loyal  and  proper  and 


26$ 

approved  subject  and  a  satisfaction  to  his  masters,  or 
the  very  infants  will  know  you  for  better  than  your 
disguise,  and  we  shall  go  to  pieces  at  the  first  hut  we 
stop  at.  Pray  try  to  walk  like  this." 

The  king  took  careful  note,  and  then  tried  an  imita 
tion. 

"  Pretty  fair — pretty  fair.  Chin  a  little  lower,  please 
— there,  very  good.  Eyes  too  high  ;  pray  don't  look 
at  the  horizon,  look  at  the  ground,  ten  steps  in  front 
of  you.  Ah — that  is  better,  that  is  very  good.  Wait, 
please ;  you  betray  too  much  vigor,  too  much  decision ; 
you  want  more  of  a  shamble.  Look  at  me,  please — 

this  is  what  I  mean Now  you  are  getting  it ; 

that  is  the  idea — at  least,  it  sort  of  approaches  it 

Yes,  that  is  pretty  fair.  But !  There  is  a  great  big 
something  wanting,  I  don't  quite  know  what  it  is. 
Please  walk  thirty  yards,  so  that  I  can  get  a  perspec 
tive  on  the  thing Now,  then — your  head's  right, 

speed's  right,  shoulders  right,  eyes  right,  chin  right, 
gait,  carriage,  general  style  right — everything's  right ! 
And  yet  the  fact  remains,  the  aggregrate's  wrong. 
The  account  don't  balance.  Do  it  again,  please  .... 
now  I  think  I  begin  to  see  what  it  is.  Yes,  I've  struck 
it.  You  see,  the  genuine  spiritlessness  is  wanting  ; 
that's  what's  the  trouble.  It's  all  amateur — mechani 
cal  details  all  right,  almost  to  a  hair;  everything  about 
the  delusion  perfect,  except  that  it  don't  delude.' 

"  What  then,  must  one  do,  to  prevail  ?" 

"  Let  me  think I  can't  seem  to  quite  get  at 

it.  In  fact  there  isn't  anything  that  can  right  the 
matter  but  practice.  This  is  a  good  place  for  it: 
roots  and  stony  ground  to  break  up  your  stately  gait, 
a  region  not  liable  to  interruption,  only  one  field  and 


266 

one  hut  in  sight,  and  they  so  far  away  that  nobody 
could  see  us  from  there.  It  will  be  well  to  move  a 
little  off  the  road  and  put  in  the  whole  day  drilling 
you,  sire." 

After  the  drill  had  gone  on  a  little  while,  I  said : 

"  Now,  sire,  imagine  that  we  are  at  the  door  of  the 
hut  yonder,  and  the  family  are  before  us.  Proceed, 
please — accost  the  head  of  the  house." 

The  king  unconsciously  straightened  up  like  a  mon 
ument,  and  said,  with  frozen  austerity  : 

"  Varlet,  bring  a  seat ;  and  serve  to  me  what  cheer 
ye  have." 

"Ah,  your  grace,  that  is  not  well  done." 

"Iri  what  lacketh  it?" 

"  These  people  do  not  call  each  other  varlets." 

"  Nay,  is  that  true  ?" 

"Yes;  only  those  above  them  call  them  so." 

"Then  must  I  try  again.     I  will  call  him  villein." 

"  No-no  ;  for  he  may  be  a  freeman." 

"  Ah — so.  Then  peradventure  I  should  call  him 
goodman." 

"  That  would  answer,  your  grace,  but  it  would  be 
still  better  if  you  said  friend,  or  brother." 

"  Brother  !— to  dirt  like  that?"  • 

"  Ah,  but  we  are  pretending  to  be  dirt  like  that, 
too." 

"  It  is  even  true.  I  will  say  it.  Brother,  bring  a 
seat,  and  thereto  what  cheer  ye  have,  withal.  Now 
'tis  right." 

"  Not  quite,  not  wholly  right.  You  have  asked  for 
one,  not  us — for  one,  not  both  ;  food  for  one,  a  seat 
for  one." 

The  king  looked  puzzled — he  wasn't  a  very  heavy 


weight,  intellectually.  His  head  was  an  hour-glass ; 
it  could  stow  an  idea,  but  it  had  to  do  it  a  grain  at  a 
time,  not  the  whole  idea  at  once. 

"  Would  you  have  a  seat  also — and  sit  ?" 

"  If  I  did  not  sit,  the  man  would  perceive  that  we 
were  only  pretending  to  be  equals — and  playing  the 
deception  pretty  poorly,  too." 

"  It  is  well  and  truly  said !  How  wonderful  is 
truth,  come  it  in  whatsoever  unexpected  form  it 
may !  Yes,  he  must  bring  out  seats  and  food  for 
both,  and  in  serving  us  present  not  ewer  and  napkin 
with  more  show  of  respect  to  the  one  than  to  the 
other." 

"  And  there  is  even  yet  a  detail  that  needs  correct 
ing.  He  must  bring  nothing  outside ; — we  will  go  in 
— in  among  the  dirt,  and  possibly  other  repulsive 
things, — and  take  the  food  with  the  household,  and 
after  the  fashion  of  the  house,  and  all  on  equal  terms, 
except  the  man  be  of  the  serf  class ;  and  finally,  there 
will  be  no  ewer  and  no  napkin,  whether  he  be  serf  or 
free.  Please  walk  again,  my  liege.  There — it  is  bet 
ter — it  is  the  best  yet ;  but  not  perfect.  The  shoul 
ders  have  known  no  ignobler  burden  than  iron  mail, 
and  they  will  not  stoop." 

"  Give  me,  then,  the  bag.  I  will  learn  the  spirit 
that  goeth  with  burdens  that  have  not  honor.  It  is 
the  spirit  that  stoopeth  the  shoulders,  I  ween,  and  not 
the  weight  ;  for  armor  is  heavy,  yet  it  is  a  proud  bur 
den,  and  a  man  standeth  straight  in  it Nay, 

but  me  no  buts,  offer  me  no  objections.  I  will  have 
the  thing.  Strap  it  upon  my  back." 

He  was  complete,  now,  with  that  knapsack  on,  and 
looked  as  little  like  a  king  as  any  man  I  had  ever 


268 

seen.  But  it  was  an  obstinate  pair  of  shoulders  ;  they 
could  not  seem  to  learn  the  trick  of  stooping  with 
any  sort  of  deceptive  naturalness.  The  drill  went  on, 
I  prompting  and  correcting  : 

"  Now,  make  believe  you  are  in  debt,  and  eaten  up 
by  relentless  creditors ;  you  are  out  of  work — which 
is  horse-shoeing,  let  us  say — and  can  get  none ;  and 
your  wife  is  sick,  your  children  are  crying  because 
they  are  hungry — " 

And  so  on,  and  so  on.  I  drilled  him  as  represent 
ing  in  turn  all  sorts  of  people  out  of  luck  and  suffer 
ing  dire  privations  and  misfortunes.  But  lord  it  was 
only  just  words,  words — they  meant  nothing  in  the 
world  to  him,  I  might  just  as  well  have  whistled. 
Words  realize  nothing,  vivify  nothing  to  you,  unless 
you  have  suffered  in  your  own  person  the  thing  which 
the  words  try  to  describe.  There  are  wise  people  who 
talk  ever  so  knowingly  and  complacently  about  "  the 
working  classes,"  and  satisfy  themselves  that  a  day's 
hard  intellectual  work  is  very  much  harder  than  a 
day's  hard  manual  toil,  and  is  righteously  entitled  to 
much  bigger  pay.  Why,  they  really  think  that,  you 
know,  because  they  know  all  about  the  one,  but 
haven't  tried  the  other.  But  I  know  all  about  both ; 
and  so  far  as  I  am  concerned,  there  isn't  money 
enough  in  the  universe  to  hire  me  to  swing  a  pick 
axe  thirty  days,  but  I  will  do  the  hardest  kind  of 
intellectual  work  for  just  as  near  nothing  as  you  can 
cipher  it  down — and  I  will  be  satisfied,  too. 

Intellectual  "  work  "  is  misnamed  ;  it  is  a  pleasure, 
a  dissipation,  and  is  its  own  highest  reward.  The 
poorest  paid  architect,  engineer,  general,  author, 
sculptor,  painter,  lecturer,  advocate,  legislator,  actor, 


269 

preacher,  singer,  is  constructively  in  heaven  when  he 
is  at  work  ;  and  as  for  the  musician  with  the  fiddle- 
bow  in  his  hand  who  sits  in  the  midst  of  a  great 
orchestra  with  the  ebbing  and  flowing  tides  of  divine 
sound  washing  over  him  —  why,  certainly,  he  is  at 
work,  if  you  wish  to  call  it  that,  but  lord,  it's  a  sar 
casm  just  the  same.  The  law  of  work  does  seem 
utterly  unfair — but  there  it  is,  and  nothing  can  change 
it :  the  higher  the  pay  in  enjoyment  the  worker  gets 
out  of  it,  the  higher  shall  be  his  pay  in  cash,  also.  And 
it's  also  the  very  law  of  those  transparent  swindles, 
transmissible  nobility  and  kingship. 


CHAPTER    XXIX 
THE    SMALL -POX     HUT 

WHEN  we  arrived  at  that  hut  at  mid-afternoon,  we 
saw  no  signs  of  life  about  it.  The  field  near  by  had 
been  denuded  of  its  crop  some  time  before,  and  had 
a  skinned  look,  so  exhaustively  had  it  been  harvested 
and  gleaned.  Fences,  sheds,  everything  had  a  ruined 
look,  and  were  eloquent  of  poverty.  No  animal  was 
around  anywhere,  no  living  thing  in  sight.  The  still 
ness  was  awful,  it  was  like  the  stillness  of  death.  The 
cabin  was  a  one-story  one,  whose  thatch  was  black 
with  age,  and  ragged  from  lack  of  repair. 

The  door  stood  a  trifle  ajar.  We  approached  it 
stealthily — on  tiptoe  and  at  half-breath — for  that  is  the 
way  one's  feeling  makes  him  do,  at  such  a  time.  The 
king  knocked.  We  waited.  No  answer.  Knocked 
again.  No  answer.  I  pushed  the  door  softly  open 
and  looked  in.  I  made  out  some  dim  forms,  and  a 
woman  started  up  from  the  ground  and  stared  at  me, 
as  one  does  who  is  wakened  from  sleep.  Presently 
she  found  her  voice — 

"  Have  mercy  !"  she  pleaded.  "  All  is  taken,  nothing 
is  left." 

"  I  have  not  come  to  take  anything,  poor  woman." 

"  You  are  not  a  priest  ?" 

"  No." 


271 

"  Nor  come  not  from  the  lord  of  the  manor?" 

"  No,  I  am  a  stranger." 

"  Oh,  then,  for  the  fear  of  God,  who  visits  with 
misery  and  death  such  as  be  harmless,  tarry  not  here, 
but  fly!  This  place  is  under  his  curse  —  and  his 
Church's." 

"  Let  me  come  in  and  help  you — you  are  sick  and 
in  trouble." 

I  was  better  used  to  the  dim  light,  now.  I  could 
see  her  hollow  eyes  fixed  upon  me.  I  could  see  how 
emaciated  she  was. 

"  I  tell  you  the  place  is  under  the  Church's  ban. 
Save  yourself — and  go,  before  some  straggler  see  thee 
here,  and  report  it." 

"  Give  yourself  no  trouble  about  me ;  I  don't  care 
anything  for  the  Church's  curse.  Let  me  help  you." 

"  Now  all  good  spirits — if  there  be  any  such — bless 
thee  for  that  word.  Would  God  I  had  a  sup  of  water! 
—but  hold,  hold,  forget  I  said  it,  and  fly ;  for  there 
is  that  here  that  even  he  that  feareth  not  the  Church 
must  fear:  this  disease  whereof  we  die.  Leave  us, 
thou  brave,  good  stranger,  and  take  with  thee  such 
whole  and  sincere  blessing  as  them  that  be  accursed 
can  give." 

But  before  this  I  had  picked  up  a  wooden  bowl 
and  was  rushing  past  the  king  on  my  way  to  the 
brook.  It  was  ten  yards  away.  When  I  got  back 
and  entered,  the  king  was  within,  and  was  opening 
the  shutter  that  closed  the  window-hole,  to  let  in  air 
and  light.  The  place  was  full  of  a  foul  stench.  I  put 
the  bowl  to  the  woman's  lips,  and  as  she  gripped  it 
with  her  eager  talons  the  shutter  came  open  and  a 
strong  light  flooded  her  face.  Small-pox  ! 


272 

I  sprang  to  the  king,  and  said  in  his  ear : 

"  Out  of  the  door  on  the  instant,  sire  !  the  woman 
is  dying  of  that  disease  that  wasted  the  skirts  of 
Camelot  two  years  ago." 

He  did  not  budge. 

"  Of  a  truth  I  shall  remain — and  likewise  help." 

I  whispered  again : 

"  King,  it  must  not  be.     You  must  go." 

"  Ye  mean  well,  and  ye  speak  not  unwisely.  But 
it  were  shame  that  a  king  should  know  fear,  and 
shame  that  belted  knight  should  withhold  his  hand 
where  be  such  as  need  succor.  Peace,  I  will  not  go. 
It  is  you  who  must  go.  The  Church's  ban  is  not 
upon  me,  but  it  forbiddeth  you  to  be  here,  and  she 
will  deal  with  you  with  a  heavy  hand  an  word  come 
to  her  of  your  trespass." 

It  was  a  desperate  place  for  him  to  be  in,  and  might 
cost  him  his  life,  but  it  was  no  use  to  argue  with  him. 
If  he  considered  his  knightly  honor  at  stake  here,  that 
was  the  end  of  argument ;  he  would  stay,  and  nothing 
could  prevent  it  ;  I  was  aware  of  that.  And  so  I 
dropped  the  subject.  The  woman  spoke  : 

"  Fair  sir,  of  your  kindness  will  ye  climb  the  ladder 
there,  and  bring  me  news  of  what  ye  find  ?  Be  not 
afraid  to  report,  for  times  can  come  when  even  a 
mother's  heart  is  past  breaking — being  already  broke." 

"  Abide,"  said  the  king,  "  and  give  the  woman  to 
eat.  I  will  go."  And  he  put  down  the  knapsack. 

I  turned  to  start  but  the  king  had  already  started. 
He  halted,  and  looked  down  upon  a  man  who  lay  in  a 
dim  light,  and  had  not  noticed  us,  thus  far,  or  spoken. 

"  Is  it  your  husband  ?"  the  king  asked. 

"  Yes." 


273 

"  Is  he  asleep  ?" 

"  God  be  thanked  for  that  one  charity,  yes — these 
three  hours.  Where  shall  I  pay  to  the  full,  my  grati 
tude  !  for  my  heart  is  bursting  with  it  for  that  sleep 
he  sleepeth  now." 

I  said  : 

"  We  will  be  careful.     We  will  not  wake  him." 

"  Ah,  no,  that  ye  will  not,  for  he  is  dead." 

"  Dead  ?" 

44  Yes,  what  triumph  it  is  to  know  it !  None  can 
harm  him,  none  insult  him  more.  He  is  in  heaven, 
now,  and  happy  ;  or  if  not  there,  he  bides  in  hell  and 
is  content ;  for  in  that  place  he  will  find  neither  abbot 
nor  yet  bishop.  We  were  boy  and  girl  together;  we 
were  man  and  wife  these  five  and  twenty  years,  and 
never  separated  till  this  day.  Think  how  long  that 
is,  to  love  and  suffer  together.  This  morning  was  he 
out  of  his  mind,  and  in  his  fancy  we  were  boy  and  girl 
again  and  wandering  in  the  happy  fields  ;  and  so  in 
that  innocent  glad  converse  wandered  he  far  and 
farther,  still  lightly  gossiping,  and  entered  into  those 
other  fields  we  know  not  of,  and  was  shut  away  from 
mortal  sight.  And  so  there  was  no  parting,  for  in  his 
fancy  I  went  with  him;  he  knew  not  but  I  went  with 
him,  my  hand  in  his — my  young  soft  hand,  not  this 
withered  claw.  Ah,  yes,  to  go,  and  know  it  not ;  to 
separate  and  know  it  not ;  how  could  one  go  peace- 
fuller  than  that  ?  It  was  his  reward  for  a  cruel  life 
patiently  borne." 

There  was  a  slight  noise  from  the  direction  of  the 
dim  corner  where  the  ladder  was.  It  was  the  king, 
descending.  I  could  see  that  he  was  bearing  some 
thing  in  one  arm,  and  assisting  himself  with  the  other. 


274 

He  came  forward  into  the  light ;  upon  his  breast  lay 
a  slender  girl  of  fifteen.  She  was  but  half  conscious ; 
she  was  dying  of  small-pox.  Here  was  heroism  at  its 
last  and  loftiest  possibility,  its  utmost  summit ;  this 
was  challenging  death  in  the  open  field  unarmed,  with 
all  the  odds  against  the  challenger,  no  reward  set 
upon  the  contest,  and  no  admiring  world  in  silks  and 
cloth  of  gold  to  gaze  and  applaud  ;  and  yet  the  king's 
bearing  was  as  serenely  brave  as  it  had  always  been 
in  those  cheaper  contests  where  knight  meets  knight 
in  equal  fight  and  clothed  in  protecting  steel.  He 
was  great,  now ;  sublimely  great.  The  rude  statues 
of  his  ancestors  in  his  palace  should  have  an  addition 
— I  would  see  to  that ;  and  it  would  not  be  a  mailed 
king  killing  a  giant  or  a  dragon,  like  the  rest,  it  would 
be  a  king  in  commoner's  garb  bearing  death  in  his 
arms  that  a  peasant  mother  might  look  her  last  upon 
her  child  and  be  comforted. 

He  laid  the  girl  down  by  her  mother,  who  poured 
out  endearments  and  caresses  from  an  overflowing 
heart,  and  one  could  detect  a  flickering  faint  light  of 
response  in  the  child's  eyes,  but  that  was  all.  The 
mother  hung  over  her,  kissing  her,  petting  her,  and 
imploring  her  to  speak,  but  the  lips  only  moved  and 
no  sound  came.  I  snatched  my  liquor  flask  from  my 
knapsack,  but  the  woman  forbade  me,  and  said : 

"  No — she  does  not  suffer  ;  it  is  better  so.  It  might 
bring  her  back  to  life.  None  that  be  so  good  and  kind 
as  ye  are  would  do  her  that  cruel  hurt.  For  look  you 
— what  is  left  to  live  for?  Her  brothers  are  gone,  her 
father  is  gone,  her  mother  goeth,  the  Church's  curse 
is  upon  her  and  none  may  shelter  or  befriend  her  even 
though  she  lay  perishing  in  the  road.  She  is  desolate. 


275 

I  have  not  asked  you,  good  heart,  if  her  sister  be  still 
on  live,  here  overhead  ;  I  had  no  need ;  ye  had  gone 
back,  else,  and  not  left  the  poor  thing  forsaken — " 

"  She  lieth  at  peace,"  interrupted  the  king,  in  a  sub 
dued  voice. 

"  I  would  not  change  it.  How  rich  is  this  day  in 
happiness  !  Ah,  my  Annis,  thou  shalt  join  thy  sister 
soon  —  thou'rt  on  thy  way,  and  these  be  merciful 
friends,  that  will  not  hinder." 

And  so  she  fell  to  murmuring  and  cooing  over  the 
girl  again,  and  softly  stroking  her  face  and  hair,  and 
kissing  her  and  calling  her  by  endearing  names  ;  but 
there  was  scarcely  sign  of  response,  now,  in  the  glaz 
ing  eyes.  I  saw  tears  well  from  the  king's  eyes,  and 
trickle  down  his  face.  The  woman  noticed  them,  too, 
and  said  : 

"Ah,  I  know  that  sign:  thou'st  a  wife  at  home, 
poor  soul,  and  you  and  she  have  gone  hungry  to  bed, 
many's  the  time,  that  the  little  ones  might  have  your 
crust ;  you  know  what  poverty  is,  and  the  daily  in 
sults  of  your  betters,  and  the  heavy  hand  of  the 
Church  and  the  king." 

The  king  winced  under  this  accidental  home-shot, 
but  kept  still;  he  was  learning  his  part;  and  he  was 
playing  it  well,  too,  for  a  pretty  dull  beginner.  I 
struck  up  a  diversion.  I  offered  the  woman  food  and 
liquor,  but  she  refused  both.  She  would  allow  noth 
ing  to  come  between  her  and  the  release  of  death. 
Then  I  slipped  away  and  brought  the  dead  child  from 
aloft,  and  laid  it  by  her.  This  broke  her  down  again, 
and  there  was  another  scene  that  was  full  of  heart 
break.  By-and-by  I  made  another  diversion,  and  be 
guiled  her  to  sketch  her  story. 


276 

"Ye  know  it  well,  yourselves,  having  suffered  it — for 
truly  none  of  our  condition  in  Britain  escape  it.  It  is 
the  old,  weary  tale.  We  fought  and  struggled  and  suc 
ceeded  ;  meaning  by  success,  that  we  lived  and  did  not 
die;  more  than  that  is  not  to  be  claimed.  No  troubles 
came  that  we  could  not  outlive,  till  this  year  brought 
them ;  then  came  they  all  at  once,  as  one  might  say, 
and  overwhelmed  us.  Years  ago  the  lord  of  the  manor 
planted  certain  fruit  trees  on  our  farm ;  in  the  best 
part  of  it,  too — a  grievous  wrong  and  shame — " 

"  But  it  was  his  right,"  interrupted  the  king. 

"  None  denieth  that,  indeed  ;  an  the  law  mean  any 
thing,  what  is  the  lord's  is  his,  and  what  is  mine  is  his 
also.  Our  farm  was  ours  by  lease,  therefore  'twas 
likewise  his,  to  do  with  it  as  he  would.  Some  little 
time  ago,  three  of  those  trees  were  found  hewn  down. 
Our  three  grown  sons  ran  frightened  to  report  the 
crime.  Well,  in  his  lordship's  dungeon  there  they  lie, 
who  saith  there  shall  they  lie  and  rot  till  they  confess. 
They  have  naught  to  confess,  being  innocent,  where 
fore  there  will  they  remain  until  they  die.  Ye  know 
that  right  well,  I  ween.  Think  how  this  left  us ;  a 
man,  a  woman  and  two  children,  to  gather  a  crop  that 
was  planted  by  so  much  greater  force,  yes,  and  protect 
it  night  and  day  from  pigeons  and  prowling  animals 
that  be  sacred  and  must  not  be  hurt  by  any  of  our 
sort.  When  my  lord's  crop  was  nearly  ready  for  the 
harvest,  so  also  was  ours ;  when  his  bell  rang  to  call 
us  to  his  fields  to  harvest  his  crops  for  nothing,  he 
would  not  allow  that  I  and  my  two  girls  should  count 
for  our  three  captive  sons,  but  for  only  two  of  them ; 
so,  for  the  lacking  one  were  we  daily  fined.  All  this 
time  our  own  crop  was  perishing  through  neglect; 


277 

and  so  both  the  priest  and  his  lordship  fined  us  be 
cause  their  shares  of  it  were  suffering  through  damage. 
In  the  end  the  fines  ate  up  our  crop — and  they  took 
it  all ;  they  took  it  all  and  made  us  harvest  it  for  them, 
without  pay  or  food,  and  we  starving.  Then  the 
worst  came  when  I,  being  out  of  my  mind  with  hunger 
and  loss  of  my  boys,  and  grief  to  see  my  husband  and 
my  little  maids  in  rags  and  misery  and  despair,  uttered 
a  deep  blasphemy — oh  !  a  thousand  of  them  ! — against 
the  Church  and  the  Church's  ways.  It  was  ten  days 
ago.  I  had  fallen  sick  with  this  disease,  and  it  was  to 
the  priest  I  said  the  words,  for  he  was  come  to  chide 
me  for  lack  of  due  humility  under  the  chastening  hand 
of  God.  He  carried  my  trespass  to  his  betters  ;  I  was 
stubborn ;  wherefore,  presently  upon  my  head  and  upon 
all  heads  that  were  dear  to  me,  fell  the  curse  of  Rome. 

"  Since  that  day,  we  are  avoided,  shunned  with  hor 
ror.  None  has  come  near  this  hut  to  know  whether 
we  live  or  not.  The  rest  of  us  were  taken  down. 
Then  I  roused  me  and  got  up,  as  wife  and  mother 
will.  It  was  little  they  could  have  eaten  in  any  case ; 
it  was  less  than  little  they  had  to  eat.  But  there  was 
water,  and  I  gave  them  that.  How  they  craved  it ! 
and  how  they  blessed  it !  But  the  end  came  yester 
day;  my  strength  broke  down.  Yesterday  was  the 
last  time  I  ever  saw  my  husband  and  this  youngest 
child  alive.  I  have  lain  here  all  these  hours — these 
ages,  ye  may  say — listening,  listening,  for  any  sound 
up  there  that— 

She  gave  a  sharp  quick  glance  at  her  eldest  daugh 
ter,  then  cried  out,  "  Oh,  my  darling!"  and  feebly 
gathered  the  stiffening  form  to  her  sheltering  arms. 

She  had  recognized  the  death-rattle. 
19  CY 


CHAPTER  XXX 

THE   TRAGEDY   OF   THE    MANOR-HOUSE 

AT  midnight  all  was  over,  and  we  sat  in  the  pres 
ence  of  four  corpses.  We  covered  them  with  such 
rags  as  we  could  find,  and  started  away,  fastening  the 
door  behind  us.  Their  home  must  be  these  people's 
grave,  for  they  could  not  have  Christian  burial,  or  be 
admitted  to  consecrated  ground.  They  were  as  dogs, 
wild  beasts,  lepers,  and  no  soul  that  valued  its  hope  of 
eternal  life  would  throw  it  away  by  meddling  in  any 
sort  with  these  rebuked  and  smitten  outcasts. 

We  had  not  moved  four  steps  when  I  caught  a 
sound  as  of  footsteps  upon  gravel.  My  heart  flew  to 
my  throat.  We  must  not  be  seen  coming  from  that 
house.  I  plucked  at  the  king's  robe  and  we  drew 
back  and  took  shelter  behind  the  corner  of  the  cabin. 

"  Now  we  are  safe,"  I  said,  "  but  it  was  a  close  call 
— so  to  speak.  If  the  night  had  been  lighter  he  might 
have  seen  us,  no  doubt,  he  seemed  to  be  so  near." 

"  Mayhap  it  is  but  a  beast  and  not  a  man  at  all." 

"  True.  But  man  or  beast,  it  will  be  wise  to  stay 
here  a  minute  and  let  it  get  by  and  out  of  the  way." 

"  Hark  !     It  cometh  hither." 

True  again.  The  step  was  coming  toward  us  — 
straight  toward  the  hut.  It  must  be  a  beast,  then,  and 
we  might  as  well  have  saved  our  trepidation.  I  was 


379 

going  to  step  out,  but  the  king  laid  his  hand  upon  my 
arm.  There  was  a  moment  of  silence,  then  we  heard 
a  soft  knock  on  the  cabin  door.  It  made  me  shiver. 
Presently  the  knock  was  repeated,  and  then  we  heard 
these  words  in  a  guarded  voice : 

"  Mother !  Father !  Open  —  we  have  got  free,  and 
we  bring  news  to  pale  your  cheeks  but  glad  your 
hearts  ;  and  we  may  not  tarry,  but  must  fly !  And — 
but  they  answer  not.  Mother !  father ! — " 

I  drew  the  king  toward  the  other  end  of  the  hut  and 
whispered  : 

"  Come — now  we  can  get  to  the  road." 

The  king  hesitated,  was  going  to  demur;  but  just 
then  we  heard  the  door  give  way,  and  knew  that  those 
desolate  men  were  in  the  presence  of  their  dead. 

"  Come,  my  liege !  in  a  moment  they  will  strike  a 
light,  and  then  will  follow  that  which  it  would  break 
your  heart  to  hear." 

He  did  not  hesitate  this  time.  The  moment  we 
were  in  the  road,  I  ran  ;  and  after  a  moment  he  threw 
dignity  aside  and  followed.  I  did  not  want  to  think 
of  what  was  happening  in  the  hut — I  couldn't  bear  it ; 
I  wanted  to  drive  it  out  of  my  mind ;  so  I  struck  into 
the  first  subject  that  lay  under  that  one  in  my  mind  : 

"  I  have  had  the  disease  those  people  died  of,  and 
so  have  nothing  to  fear ;  but  if  you  have  not  had  it 
also—" 

He  broke  in  upon  me  to  say  he  was  in  trouble,  and 
it  was  his  conscience  that  was  troubling  him : 

"  These  young  men  have  got  free,  they  say  —  but 
how  ?  It  is  not  likely  that  their  lord  hath  set  them 
free." 

"  Oh,  no,  I  make  no  doubt  they  escaped." 


280 

"  That  is  my  trouble ;  I  have  a  fear  that  this  is  so, 
and  your  suspicion  doth  confirm  it,  you  having  the 
same  fear." 

"  I  should  not  call  it  by  that  name  though.  I  do 
suspect  that  they  escaped,  but  if  they  did,  I  am  not 
sorry,  certainly." 

"  I  am  not  sorry,  I  think — but — " 

"  What  is  it  ?  What  is  there  for  one  to  be  troubled 
about?" 

"If  they  did  escape,  then  are  we  bound  in  duty  to 
lay  hands  upon  them  and  deliver  them  again  to  their 
lord ;  for  it  is  not  seemly  that  one  of  his  quality 
should  suffer  a  so  insolent  and  high-handed  outrage 
from  persons  of  their  base  degree." 

There  it  was,  again.  He  could  see  only  one  side 
of  it.  He  was  born  so,  educated  so,  his  veins  were 
full  of  ancestral  blood  that  was  rotten  with  this  sort 
of  unconscious  brutality,  brought  down  by  inherit 
ance  from  a  long  procession  of  hearts  that  had  each 
done  its  share  toward  poisoning  the  stream.  To  im 
prison  these  men  without  proof,  and  starve  their  kin 
dred,  was  no  harm,  for  they  were  merely  peasants 
and  subject  to  the  will  and  pleasure  of  their  lord,  no 
matter  what  fearful  form  it  might  take ;  but  for  these 
men  to  break  out  of  unjust  captivity  was  insult  and 
outrage,  and  a  thing  not  to  be  countenanced  by  any 
conscientious  person  who  knew  his  duty  to  his  sacred 
caste. 

I  worked  more  than  half  an  hour  before  I  got  him 
to  change  the  subject  —  and  even  then  an  outside 
matter  did  it  for  me.  This  was  a  something  which 
caught  our  eyes  as  we  struck  the  summit  of  a  small 
hill — a  red  glow,  a  good  way  off. 


28l 


•'That's  a  fire,"  said  I. 

Fires  interested  me  considerably,  because  I  was 
getting  a  good  deal  of  an  insurance  business  started, 
and  was  also  training  some  horses  and  building  some 
steam  fire-engines,  with  an  eye  to  a  paid  fire  depart 
ment  by-and-by.  The  priests  opposed  both  my  fire 
and  life  insurance,  on  the  ground  that  it  was  an  in 
solent  attempt  to  hinder  the  decrees  of  God ;  and  if 
you  pointed  out  that  they  did  not  hinder  the  decrees 
in  the  least,  but  only  modified  the  hard  consequences 
of  them  if  you  took  out  policies  and  had  luck,  they 
retorted  that  that  was  gambling  against  the  decrees 
of  God,  and  was  just  as  bad.  So  they  managed  to 
damage  those  industries  more  or  less,  but  I  got  even 
on  my  Accident  business.  As  a  rule,  a  knight  is  a 
lummox,  and  sometimes  even  a  labrick,  and  hence 
open  to  pretty  poor  arguments  when  they  come  glibly 
from  a  superstition-monger,  but  even  he  could  see 
the  practical  side  of  a  thing  once  in  a  while ;  and  so 
of  late  you  couldn't  clean  up  a  tournament  and  pile 
the  result  without  finding  one  of  my  accident-tickets 
in  every  helmet. 

We  stood  there  awhile,  in  the  thick  darkness  and 
stillness,  looking  toward  the  red  blur  in  the  distance, 
and  trying  to  make  out  the  meaning  of  a  far-away  mur 
mur  that  rose  and  fell  fitfully  on  the  night.  Some 
times  it  swelled  up  and  for  a  moment  seemed  less 
remote ;  but  when  we  were  hopefully  expecting  it  to 
betray  its  cause  and  nature,  it  dulled  and  sank  again, 
carrying  its  mystery  with  it.  We  started  down  the 
hill  in  its  direction,  and  the  winding  road  plunged  us 
at  once  into  almost  solid  darkness — darkness  that  was 
packed  and  crammed  in  between  two  tall  forest  walls. 


282 

We  groped  along  down  for  half  a  mile,  perhaps,  that 
murmur  growing  more  and  more  distinct  all  the  time, 
the  coming  storm  threatening  more  and  more,  with 
now  and  then  a  little  shiver  of  wind,  a  faint  show  of 
lightning,  and  dull  grumblings  of  distant  thunder.  I 
was  in  the  lead.  I  ran  against  something — a  soft  heavy 
something  which  gave,  slightly,  to  the  impulse  of  my 
weight ;  at  the  same  moment  the  lightning  glared  out, 
and  within  a  foot  of  my  face  was  the  writhing  face  of 
a  man  who  was  hanging  from  the  limb  of  a  tree! 
That  is,  it  seemed  to  be  writhing,  but  it  was  not.  It 
was  a  grewsome  sight.  Straightway  there  was  an  ear- 
splitting  explosion  of  thunder,  and  the  bottom  of 
heaven  fell  out ;  the  rain  poured  down  in  a  deluge.  No 
matter,  we  must  try  to  cut  this  man  down,  on  the 
chance  that  there  might  be  life  in  him  yet,  mustn't 
we  ?  The  lightning  came  quick  and  sharp,  now,  and 
the  place  was  alternately  noonday  and  midnight.  One 
moment  the  man  would  be  hanging  before  me  in  an 
intense  light,  and  the  next  he  was  blotted  out  again 
in  the  darkness.  I  told  the  king  we  must  c  t  him 
down.  The  king  at  once  objected. 

;  If  he  hanged  himself,  he  was  willing  to  lose  his 
property  to  his  lord ;  so  let  him  be.  If  others  hanged 
him,  belike  they  had  the  right— let  him  hang." 

"But— " 

"  But  me  no  buts,  but  even  leave  him  as  he  is.  And 
for  yet  another  reason.  When  the  lightning  cometh 
again — there,  look  abroad." 

Two  others  hanging,  within  fifty  yards  of  usf 

"It  is  not  weather  meet  for  doing  useless  courte 
sies  unto  dead  folk.  They  are  past  thanking  you. 
Come — it  is  unprofitable  to  tarry  here." 


There  was  reason  in  what  he  said,  so  we  moved  on. 
Within  the  next  mile  we  counted  six  more  hanging 
forms  by  the  blaze  of  the  lightning,  and  altogether 
it  was  a  grisly  excursion.  That  murmur  was  a  mur 
mur  no  longer,  it  was  a  roar ;  a  roar  of  men's  voices. 
A  man  came  flying  by,  now,  dimly  through  the  dark 
ness,  and  other  men  chasing  him.  They  disappeared. 
Presently  another  case  of  the  kind  occurred,  and  then 
another  and  another.  Then  a  sudden  turn  of  the  road 
brought  us  in  sight  of  that  fire — it  was  a  large  manor- 
house,  and  little  or  nothing  was  left  of  it — and  every 
where  men  were  flying  and  other  men  raging  after 
them  in  pursuit. 

I  warned  the  king  that  this  was  not  a  safe  place  for 
strangers.  We  would  better  get  away  from  the  light, 
until  matters  should  improve.  We  stepped  back  a 
little,  and  hid  in  the  edge  pf  the  wood.  From  this 
hiding-place  we  saw  both  men  and  women  hunted 
by  the  mob.  The  fearful  work  went  on  until  nearly 
dawn.  Then,  the  fire  being  out  and  the  storm  spent, 
the  \jj-ces  and  flying  footsteps  presently  ceased,  and 
darkness  and  stillness  reigned  again. 

We  ventured  out,  and  hurried  cautiously  away ;  and 
although  we  were  worn  out  and  sleepy,  we  kept  on 
until  we  had  put  this  place  some  miles  behind  us. 
Then  we  asked  hospitality  at  the  hut  of  a  charcoal 
burner,  and  got  what  was  to  be  had.  A  woman  was 
up  and  about,  but  the  man  was  still  asleep,  on  a  straw 
shake-down,  on  the  clay  floor.  The  woman  seemed 
uneasy  until  I  explained  that  we  were  travellers  and 
had  lost  our  way  and  been  wandering  in  the  woods 
all  night.  She  became  talkative,  then,  and  asked  if 
we  had  heard  of  the  terrible  goings-on  at  the  manor- 


house  of  Abblasoure.  Yes,  we  had  heard  of  them, 
but  what  we  wanted  now,  was  rest  and  sleep.  The 
king  broke  in : 

"  Sell  us  the  house  and  take  yourselves  away,  for 
we  be  perilous  company,  being  late  come  from  people 
that  died  of  the  Spotted  Death." 

It  was  good  of  him,  but  unnecessary.  One  of  the 
commonest  decorations  of  the  nation  was  the  waffle* 
iron  face.  I  had  early  noticed  that  the  woman  and 
her  husband  were  both  so  decorated.  She  made  us 
entirely  welcome,  and  had  no  fears;  and  plainly  she 
was  immensely  impressed  by  the  king's  proposition ; 
for  of  course  it  was  a  good  deal  of  an  event  in  her 
life  to  run  across  a  person  of  the  king's  humble  ap 
pearance  who  was  ready  to  buy  a  man's  house  for  the 
sake  of  a  night's  lodging.  It  gave  her  a  large  respect 
for  us,  and  she  strained  the  lean  possibilities  of  her 
hovel  to  the  utmost  to  make  us  comfortable. 

We  slept  till  far  into  the  afternoon,  and  then  got 
up  hungry  enough  to  make  cotter  fare  quite  palatable 
to  the  king,  the  more  particularly  as  it  was  scant  in 
quantity.  And  also  in  variety ;  it  consisted  solely  of 
onions,  salt,  and  the  national  black  bread — made  out 
of  horse-feed.  The  woman  told  us  about  the  affair  of 
the  evening  before.  At  ten  or  eleven  at  night,  when 
everybody  was  in  bed,  the  manor-house  burst  into 
flames.  The  country-side  swarmed  to  the  rescue,  and 
the  family  were  saved,  with  one  exception,  the  mas 
ter.  He  did  not  appear.  Everybody  was  frantic  over 
this  loss,  and  two  brave  yeomen  sacrificed  their  lives 
in  ransacking  the  burning  house  seeking  that  valuable 
personage.  But  after  a  while  he  was  found  —  what 
was  left  of  him — which  was  his  corpse.  It  was  in 


a  copse  three  hundred  yards  away,  bound,  gagged, 
stabbed  in  a  dozen  places. 

Who  had  done  this  ?  Suspicion  fell  upon  a  humble 
family  in  the  neighborhood  who  had  been  lately  treated 
with  peculiar  harshness  by  the  baron ;  and  from  these 
people  the  suspicion  easily  extended  itself  to  their 
relatives  and  familiars.  A  suspicion  was  enough  ;  my 
lord's  liveried  retainers  proclaimed  an  instant  crusade 
against  these  people,  and  were  promptly  joined  by  the 
community  in  general.  The  woman's  husband  had 
been  active  with  the  mob,  and  had  not  returned  home 
ufitil  nearly  dawn.  He  was  gone,  now,  to  find  out 
what  the  general  result  had  been.  While  we  were 
still  talking,  he  came  back  from  his  quest.  His  report 
was  revolting  enough.  Eighteen  persons  hanged  or 
butchered,  and  two  yeomen  and  thirteen  prisoners  lost 
in  the  fire. 

"And  how  many  prisoners  were  there  altogether, 
in  the  vaults  ?" 

"  Thirteen." 

"  Then  every  one  of  them  was  lost  ?" 

"  Yes,  all." 

"  But  the  people  arrived  in  time  to  save  the  family ; 
how  is  it  they  could  save  none  of  the  prisoners  ?" 

The  man  looked  puzzled,  and  said  : 

"  Would  one  unlock  the  vaults  at  such  a  time  ? 
Marry,  some  would  have  escaped." 

"  Then  you  mean  that  nobody  did  unlock  them  ?" 

"  None  went  near  them,  either  to  lock  or  unlock. 
It  standeth  to  reason  that  the  bolts  were  fast ;  where 
fore  it  was  only  needful  to  establish  a  watch,  so  that 
if  any  broke  the  bonds  he  might  not  escape,  but  be 
taken.  None  were  taken." 


286 

"  Natheless,  three  did  escape,"  said  the  king,  "  and- 
ye  will  do  well  to  publish  it  and  set  justice  upon  their 
track,  for  these  murthered  the  baron  and  fired  the 
house." 

I  was  just  expecting  he  would  come  out  with  that. 
For  a  moment  the  man  and  his  wife  showed  an  eager 
interest  in  this  news  and  an  impatience  to  go  out  and 
spread  it ;  than  a  sudden  something  else  betrayed 
itself  in  their  faces,  and  they  began  to  ask  questions. 
I  answered  the  questions  myself,  and  narrowly  watched 
the  effects  produced.  I  was  soon  satisfied  that  the 
knowledge  of  who  these  three  prisoners  were,  had 
somehow  changed  the  atmosphere ;  that  our  hosts' 
continued  eagerness  to  go  and  spread  the  news  was 
now  only  pretended  and  not  real.  The  king  did  not 
notice  the  change,  and  I  was  glad  of  that.  I  worked 
the  conversation  around  toward  other  details  of  the 
night's  proceedings,  and  noted  that  these  people  were 
relieved  to  have  it  take  that  direction. 

The  painful  thing  observable  about  all  this  business 
was,  the  alacrity  with  which  this  oppressed  commu 
nity  had  turned  their  cruel  hands  against  their  own 
class  in  the  interest  of  the  common  oppressor.  This 
man  and  woman  seemed  to  feel  that  in  a  quarrel  be 
tween  a  person  of  their  own  class  and  his  lord,  it  was 
the  natural  and  proper  and  rightful  thing  for  that  poor 
devil's  whole  caste  to  side  with  the  master  and  fight 
his  battle  for  him,  without  ever  stopping  to  inquire 
into  the  rights  or  wrongs  of  the  matter.  This  man 
had  been  out  helping  to  hang  his  neighbors,  and  had 
done  his  work  with  zeal,  and  yet  was  aware  that  there 
was  nothing  against  them  but  a  mere  suspicion,  with 
nothing  back  of  it  describable  as  evidence,  still  nei- 


287 

ther  he  nor  his  wife  seemed  to  see  anything  horrible 
about  it. 

This  was  depressing — to  a  man  with  the  dream  of  a 
republic  in  his  head.  It  reminded  me  of  a  time  thir 
teen  centuries  away,  when  the  "  poor  whites  "  of  our 
South  who  were  always  despised  and  frequently  in 
sulted  by  the  slave-lords  around  them,  and  who  owed 
their  base  condition  simply  to  the  presence  of  slavery 
in  their  midst,  were  yet  pusillanimously  ready  to  side 
with  the  slave-lords  in  all  political  moves  for  the  n 
holding  and  perpetuating  of  slavery,  and  did  also  finally 
shoulder  their  muskets  and  pour  out  their  lives  in  an 
effort  to  prevent  the  destruction  of  that  very  institu 
tion  which  degraded  them.  And  there  was  only  one 
redeeming  feature  connected  with  that  pitiful  piece  of 
history  ;  and  that  was,  that  secretly  the  "  poor  white  " 
did  detest  the  slave-lord,  and  did  feel  his  own  shame. 
That  feeling  was  not  brought  to  the  surface,  but  the, 
fact  that  it  was  there  and  could  have  been  brought 
out,  under  favoring  circumstances,  was  something — in* 
fact  it  was  enough ;  for  it  showed  that  a  man  is  at 
bottom  a  man,  after  all,  even  if  it  doesn't  show  on  the 
outside. 

Well,  as  it  turned  out,  this  charcoal  burner  was  just 
the  twin  of  the  Southern  "  poor  white  "  of  the  far  fut 
ure.  The  king  presently  showed  impatience,  and  said  : 

"An  ye  prattle  here  all  the  day,  justice  will  mis 
carry.  Think  ye  the  criminals  will  abide  in  their 
father's  house  ?  They  are  fleeing,  they  are  not  wait 
ing.  You  should  look  to  it  that  a  party  of  horse  be 
set  upon  their  track." 

The  woman  paled  slightly,  but  quite  perceptibly, 
and  the  man  looked  flustered  and  irresolute.  I  said: 


288 


"  Come,  friend,  I  will  walk  a  little  way  with  you, 
and  explain  which  direction  I  think  they  would  try 
to  take.  If  they  were  merely  resisters  of  the  gabelle 
or  some  kindred  absurdity  I  would  try  to  protect  them 
from  capture ;  but  when  men  murder  a  person  of  high 
degree  and  likewise  burn  his  house,  that  is  another 
matter." 

The  last  remark  was  for  the  king — to  quiet  him. 
On  the  road  the  man  pulled  his  resolution  together, 
and  began  the  march  with  a  steady  gait,  but  there 
was  no  eagerness  in  it.  By-and-by  I  said  : 

"  What  relation  were  these  men  to  you — cousins  ?" 
He  turned  as  white  as  his  layer  of  charcoal  would 
let  him,  and  stopped,  trembling. 

"Ah,  my  God,  how  knew  you  that  ?" 
"  I  didn't  know  it ;  it  was  a  chance  guess." 
"  Poor  lads,  they  are  lost.    And  good  lads  they  were, 
too." 

"  Were  you  actually  going  yonder  to  tell  on  them  ?" 
He  didn't  quite  know  how  to  take  that ;  but  he  said, 
hesitatingly : 
"  Ye-s." 

"  Then  I  think  you  are  a  damned  scoundrel !" 
It  made  him  as  glad  as  if    I   had  called  him   an 
angel. 

"Say  the  good  words  again,  brother!  for  surely  ye 
mean  that  ye  would  not  betray  me  an  I  failed  of  my 
duty." 

"  Duty  ?  There  is  no  duty  in  the  matter,  except 
the  duty  to  keep  still  and  let  those  men  get  away. 
They've  done  a  righteous  deed." 

He  looked  pleased  ;  pleased,  and  touched  with  ap 
prehension  at  the  same  time.  He  looked  up  and 


289 

down  the  road  to  see  that  no  one  was  coming,  and 
then  said  in  a  cautious  voice : 

"  From  what  land  come  you,  brother,  that  you 
speak  such  perilous  words,  and  seem  not  to  be  afraid?" 

"  They  are  not  perilous  words  when  spoken  to  one 
of  my  own  caste,  I  take  it.  You  would  not  tell  any 
body  I  said  them  ?" 

"  I  ?  I  would  be  drawn  asunder  by  wild  horses 
first." 

"  Well,  then,  let  me  say  my  say.  I  have  no  fears 
of  your  repeating  it.  I  think  devil's  work  has  been 
done  last  night  upon  those  innocent  poor  people. 
That  old  baron  got  only  what  he  deserved.  If  I  had 
my  way,  all  his  kind  should  have  the  same  luck." 

Fear  and  depression  vanished  from  the  man's  man 
ner,  and  gratefulness  and  a  brave  animation  took  their 
place : 

"  Even  though  you  be  a  spy,  and  your  words  a 
trap  for  my  undoing,  yet  are  they  such  refreshment 
that  to  hear  them  again  and  others  like  to  them,  I 
would  go  to  the  gallows  happy,  as  having  had  one 
good  feast  at  least  in  a  starved  life.  And  I  will  say 
my  say,  now,  and  ye  may  report  it  if  ye  be  so  minded. 
I  helped  to  hang  my  neighbors  for  that  it  were  peril 
to  my  own  life  to  show  lack  of  zeal  in  the  master's 
cause ;  the  others  helped  for  none  other  reason.  All 
rejoice  to-day  that  he  is  dead,  but  all  do  go  about 
seemingly  sorrowing,  and  shedding  the  hypocrite's 
tear,  for  in  that  lies  safety.  I  have  said  the  words, 
I  have  said  the  words !  the  only  ones  that  have  ever 
tasted  good  in  my  mouth,  and  the  reward  of  that 
taste  is  sufficient.  Lead  on,  an  ye  will,  be  it  even 
to  the  scaffold,  for  I  am  ready." 


290 

r 

There  it  was,  you  see.  A  man  is  a  man,  at  bottom. 
Whole  ages  of  abuse  and. oppression  cannot  crush  the 
manhood  clear  out  of  him.  Whoever  thinks  it  a 
mistake,  is  himself  mistaken.  Yes,  there  is  plenty 
good  enough  material  for  a  republic  in  the  most  de 
graded  people  that  ever  existed — even  the  Russians; 
plenty  of  manhood  in  them— even  in  the  Germans — 
if  one  could  but  force  it  out  of  its  timid  and  suspi 
cious  privacy,  to  overthrow  and  trample  in  the  mud 
any  throne  that  ever  was  set  up  and  any  nobility  that 
ever  supported  it.  We  should  see  certain  things  yet, 
let  us  hope  and  believe.  First,  a  modified  monarchy, 
till  Arthur's  days  were  done,  then  the  destruction  of 
the  throne,  nobility  abolished,  every  member  of  it 
bound  out  to  some  useful  trade,  universal  suffrage 
instituted,  and  the  whole  government  placed  in  the 
hands  of  the  men  and  women  of  the  nation  there  to 
remain.  Yes,  there  was  no  occasion  to  give  up  my 
dream  yet  a  while. 


CHAPTER  XXXI 

MARCO 

WE  strolled  along  in  a  sufficiently  indolent  fashion, 
now,  and  talked.  We  must  dispose  of  about  the 
amount  of  time  it  ought  to  take  to  go  to  the  little 
hamlet  of  Abblasoure  and  put  justice  on  the  track  of 
those  murderers  and  get  back  home  again.  And 
meantime  I  had  an  auxiliary  interest  which  had  never 
paled  yet,  never  lost  its  novelty  for  me,  since  I  had 
been  in  Arthur's  kingdom  :  the  behavior — born  of  nice 
and  exact  subdivisions  of  caste — of  chance  passers-by 
toward  each  other.  Toward  the  shaven  monk  who 
trudged  along  with  his  cowl  tilted  back  and  the  sweat 
washing  down  his  fat  jowls,  the  coal  burner  was  deep 
ly  reverent ;  to  the  gentleman  he  was  abject ;  with  the 
small  farmer  and  the  free  mechanic  he  was  cordial 
and  gossipy  ;  and  when  a  slave  passed  by  with  a  coun 
tenance  respectfully  lowered,  this  chap's  nose  was  in 
the  air — he  couldn't  even  see  him.  Well,  there  are 
times  when  one  would  like  to  hang  the  whole  human 
race  and  finish  the  farce. 

Presently  we  struck  an  incident.  A  small  mob  of 
half-naked  boys  and  girls  came  tearing  out  of  the 
woods,  scared  and  shrieking.  The  eldest  among  them 
were  not  more  than  twelve  or  fourteen  years  old. 
They  implored  help,  but  they  were  so  beside  them- 


292 

selves  that  we  couldn't  make  out  what  the  matter  was. 
However,  we  plunged  into  the  wood,  they  skurrying 
in  the  lead,  and  the  trouble  was  quickly  revealed : 
they  had  hanged  a  little  fellow  with  a  bark  rope,  and 
he  was  kicking  and  struggling,  in  the  process  of  chok 
ing  to  death.  We  rescued  him,  and  fetched  him 
around.  It  was  some  more  human  nature  ;  the  admir 
ing  little  folk  imitating  their  elders;  they  were  play 
ing  mob,  and  had  achieved  a  success  which  promised 
to  be  a  good  deal  more  serious  than  they  had  bar 
gained  for. 

It  was  not  a  dull  excursion  for  me.  I  managed  to 
put  in  the  time  very  well.  I  made  various  acquaint 
anceships,  and  in  my  quality  of  stranger  was  able  to 
ask  as  many  questions  as  I  wanted  to.  A  thing  which 
naturally  interested  me,  as  a  statesman,  was  the  mat 
ter  of  wages.  I  picked  up  what  I  could  under  that 
head  during  the  afternoon.  A  man  who  hasn't  had 
much  experience,  and  doesn't  think,  is  apt  to  measure 
a  nation's  prosperity  or  lack  of  prosperity  by  the  mere 
size  of  the  prevailing  wages  :  if  the  wages  be  high,  the 
nation  is  prosperous ;  if  low,  it  isn't.  Which  is  an 
error.  It  isn't  what  sum  you  get,  it's  how  much  you 
can  buy  with  it  that's  the  important  thing;  and  it's 
that  that  tells  whether  your  wages  are  high  in  fact  or 
only  high  in  name.  I  could  remember  how  it  was  in 
the  time  of  our  great  civil  war  in  the  nineteenth  cen 
tury.  In  the  North  a  carpenter  got  three  dollars  a 
day,  gold  valuation  ;  in  the  South  he  got  fifty — paya 
ble  in  Confederate  shinplasters  worth  a  dollar  a  bushel. 
In  the  North  a  suit  of  overalls  cost  three  dollars — a 
day's  wages  ;  in  the  South  it  cost  seventy-five — which 
was  two  day's  wages.  Other  things  were  in  proper- 


293 

tion.  Consequently,  wages  were  twice  as  high  in  the 
North  as  they  were  in  the  South,  because  the  one 
wage  had  that  much  more  purchasing  power  than  the 
other  had. 

Yes,  I  made  various  acquaintances  in  the  hamlet, 
and  a  thing  that  gratified  me  a  good  deal  was  to  find 
our  new  coins  in  circulation — lots  of  milrays,  lots  of 
mills,  lots  of  cents,  a  good  many  nickels,  and  some  sil 
ver  ;  all  this  among  the  artisans  and  commonalty  gen 
erally  ;  yes,  and  even  some  gold — but  that  was  at  the 
bank,  that  is  to  say,  the  goldsmith's.  I  dropped  in 
there  while  Marco  the  son  of  Marco  was  haggling  with 
a  shopkeeper  over  a  quarter  of  a  pound  of  salt,  and 
asked  for  change  for  a  twenty  dollar  gold  piece.  They 
furnished  it — that  is,  after  they  had  chewed  the  piece, 
and  rung  it  on  the  counter,  and  tried  acid  on  it,  and 
asked  me  where  I  got  it,  and  who  I  was,  and  where  I 
was  from,  and  where  I  was  going  to,  and  when  I  ex 
pected  to  get  there,  and  perhaps  a  couple  of  hundred 
more  questions ;  and  when  they  got  aground,  I  went 
right  on  and  furnished  them  a  lot  of  information  vol 
untarily  :  told  them  I  owned  a  dog,  and  his  name  was 
Watch,  and  my  first  wife  was  a  Free  Will  Baptist, 
and  her  grandfather  was  a  Prohibitionist,  and  I  used 
to  know  a  man  who  had  two  thumbs  on  each  hand  and 
a  wart  on  the  inside  of  his  upper  lip,  and  died  in  the 
hope  of  a  glorious  resurrection,  and  so-on,  and  so-on, 
and  so-on,  till  even  that  hungry  village  questioner  be 
gan  to  look  satisfied,  and  also  a  shade  put  out ;  but  he 
had  to  respect  a  man  of  my  financial  strength,  and  so 
he  didn't  give  me  any  lip,  but  I  noticed  he  took  it  out 
of  his  underlings,  which  was  a  perfectly  natural  thing 
to  do.  Yes,  they  changed  my  twenty,  but  I  judged 
20  CY 


294 

it  strained  the  bank  a  little,  which  was  a  thing  to  be 
expected,  for  it  was  the  same  as  walking  into  a  paltry 
village  store  in  the  nineteenth  century  and  requiring 
the  boss  of  it  to  change  a  two-thousand-dollar  bill  for 
you  all  of  a  sudden.  He  could  do  it,  maybe  ;  but  at 
the  same  time  he  would  wonder  how  a  small  farmer 
happened  to  be  carrying  so  much  money  around  in  his 
pocket ;  which  was  probably  this  goldsmith's  thought, 
too ;  for  he  followed  me  to  the  door  and  stood  there 
gazing  after  me  with  reverent  admiration. 

Our  new  money  was  not  only  handsomely  circulat 
ing,  but  its  language  was  already  glibly  in  use  ;  that  is 
to  say,  people  had  dropped  the  names  of  the  former 
moneys,  and  spoke  of  things  as  being  worth  so  many 
dollars  or  cents  or  mills  or  milrays,  now.  It  was  very 
gratifying.  We  were  progressing,  that  was  sure. 

I  got  to  know  several  master  mechanics,  but  about 
the  most  interesting  fellow  among  them  was  the  black 
smith,  Dowley.  He  was  a  live  man  and  a  brisk  talk 
er,  and  had  two  journeymen  and  three  apprentices, 
and  was  doing  a  raging  business.  In  fact,  lie  was  get 
ting  rich,  hand  over  fist,  and  was  vastly  respected. 
Marco  was  very  proud  of  having  such  a  man  for  a 
friend.  He  had  taken  me  there  ostensibly  to  let  me 
see  the  big  establishment  which  bought  so  much  of 
his  charcoal,  but  really  to  let  me  see  what  easy  and 
almost  familiar  terms  he  was  on  with  this  great  man. 
Dowley  and  I  fraternized  at  once;  I  had  had  just  such 
picked  men,  splendid  fellows,  under  me  in  the  Colt 
Arms  Factory.  I  was  bound  to  see  more  of  him,  so  I 
invited  him  to  come  out  to  Marco's,  Sunday,  and  dine 
with  us.  Marco  was  appalled,  and  held  his  breath  ; 
and  when  the  grandee  accepted,  he  was  so  grateful 


295 

that  he  almost  forgot  to  be  astonished  at  the  conde 
scension. 

Marco's  joy  was  exuberant  —  but  only  for  a  mo 
ment  ;  then  he  grew  thoughtful,  then  sad  ;  and  when 
he  heard  me  tell  Dowley  I  should  have  Dickon  the 
boss  mason,  and  Smug  the  boss  wheelwright  out 
there,  too,  the  coal-dust  on  his  face  turned  to  chalk, 
and  he  lost  his  grip.  But  I  knew  what  was  the 
matter  with  him  ;  it  was  the  expense.  He  saw  ruin 
before  him  ;  he  judged  that  his  financial  days  were 
numbered.  However,  on  our  way  to  invite  the  others, 
I  said  : 

"  You  must  allow  me  to  have  these  friends  come ; 
and  you  must  also  allow  me  to  pay  the  costs." 

His  face  cleared,  and  he  said  with  spirit : 

"  But  not  all  of  it,  not  all  of  it.  Ye  cannot  well 
bear  a  burden  like  to  this  alone." 

I  stopped  him,  and  said : 

"  Now  let's  understand  each  other  on  the  spot,  old 
friend.  I  am  only  a  farm  bailiff,  it  is  true  ;  but  I  am 
not  poor,  nevertheless.  I  have  been  very  fortunate 
this  year — you  would  be  astonished  to  know  how  I 
have  thriven.  I  tell  you  the  honest  truth  when  I  say 
I  could  squander  away  as  many  as  a  dozen  feasts  like 
this  and  never  care  that  for  the  expense!"  and  I 
snapped  my  fingers.  I  could  see  myself  rise  a  foot 
at  a  time  in  Marco's  estimation,  and  when  I  fetched 
out  those  last  words  I  was  become  a  very  tower,  for 
style  and  altitude.  "  So  you  see,  you  must  let  me 
have  my  way.  You  can't  contribute  a  cent  to  this 
orgy,  that's  settled'' 

"  It's  grand  and  good  of  you — " 

"  No,  it  isn't.    You've  opened  your  house  to  Jones 


296 

and  me  in  the  most  generous  way ;  Jones  was  remark 
ing  upon  it  to-day,  just  before  you  came  back  from 
the  village ;  for  although  he  wouldn't  be  likely  to  say 
such  a  thing  to  you, — because  Jones  isn't  a  talker, 
and  is  diffident  in  society — he  has  a  good  heart  and 
a  grateful,  and  knows  how  to  appreciate  it  when  he  is 
well  treated ;  yes,  you  and  your  wife  have  been  very 
hospitable  toward  us — " 

"  Ah,  brother,  'tis  nothing — such  hospitality !" 
"  But  it  is  something ;  the  best  a  man  has,  freely 
given,  is  always  something,  and  is  as  good  as  a  prince 
can  do,  and  ranks  right  along  beside  it — for  even  a 
prince  can  but  do  his  best.  And  so  we'll  shop  around 
and  get  up  this  layout,  now,  and  don't  you  worry 
about  the  expense.  I'm  one  of  the  worst  spendthrifts 
that  ever  was  born.  Why,  do  you  know,  sometimes 
in  a  single  week  I  spend  —  but  never  mind  about 
that — you'd  never  believe  it  anyway." 

And  so  we  went  gadding  along,  dropping  in  here 
and  there,  pricing  things,  and  gossiping  with  the  shop 
keepers  about  the  riot,  and  now  and  then  running 
across  pathetic  reminders  of  it,  in  the  persons  of 
shunned  and  tearful  and  houseless  remnants  of  fam 
ilies  whose  homes  had  been  taken  from  them  and 
their  parents  butchered  or  hanged.  The  raiment  of 
Marco  and  his  wife  was  of  coarse  tow-linen  and  linsey- 
woolsey  respectively,  and  resembled  township  maps, 
it  being  made  up  pretty  exclusively  of  patches  which 
had  been  added,  township  by  township,  in  the  course 
of  five  or  six  years,  until  hardly  a  hand's-breadth  of 
the  original  garments  was  surviving  and  present.  Now 
I  wanted  to  fit  these  people  out  with  new  suits,  on 
account  of  that  swell  company,  and  I  didn't  know 


297 

just  how  to  get  at  it  with  delicacy,  until  at  last  it 
struck  me  that  as  I  had  already  been  liberal  in  invent 
ing  wordy  gratitude  for  the  king,  it  would  be  just 
the  thing  to  back  it  up  with  evidence  of  a  substantial 
sort ;  so  I  said : 

"  And  Marco,  there's  another  thing  which  you  must 
permit  —  out  of  kindness  for  Jones  —  because  you 
wouldn't  want  to  offend  him.  He  was  very  anxious 
to  testify  his  appreciation  in  some  way,  but  he  is  so 
diffident  he  couldn't  venture  it  himself,  and  so  he 
begged  me  to  buy  some  little  things  and  give  them 
to  you  and  Dame  Phyllis  and  let  him  pay  for  them 
without  your  ever  knowing  they  came  from  him — you 
know  how  a  delicate  person  feels  about  that  sort  of 
thing  —  and  so  I  said  I  would,  and  we  would  keep 
mum.  Well,  his  idea  was,  a  new  outfit  of  clothes  for 
you  both — " 

"  Oh,  it  is  wastefulness  !  It  may  not  be,  brother,  it 
may  not  be.  Consider  the  vastness  of  the  sum — 

"  Hang  the  vastness  of  the  sum!  Try  to  keep  quiet 
for  a  moment,  and  see  how  it  would  seem;  a  body 
can't  get  in  a  word  edgeways,  you  talk  so  much.  You 
ought  to  cure  that,  Marco ;  it  isn't  good  form,  you 
know,  and  it  will  grow  on  you  if  you  don't  check  it. 
Yes,  we'll  step  in  here,  now,  and  price  this  man's 
stuff  —  and  don't  forget  to  remember  to  not  let  on  to 
Jones  that  you  know  he  had  anything  to  do  with  it. 
You  can't  think  how  curiously  sensitive  and  proud 
he  is.  He's  a  farmer — pretty  fairly  well-to-do  farmer — 
and  I'm  his  bailiff;  but — the  imagination  of  that  man  ! 
Why,  sometimes  when  he  forgets  himself  and  gets  to 
blowing  off,  you'd  think  he  was  one  of  the  swells  of 
the  earth ;  and  you  might  listen  to  him  a  hundred 


298 

years  and  never  take  him  for  a  farmer — especially  if 
he  talked  agriculture.  He  thinks  he's  a  Sheol  of  a 
farmer;  thinks  he's  old  Grayback  from  Wayback ;  but 
between  you  and  me  privately  he  don't  know  as  much 
about  farming  as  he  does  about  running  a  kingdom — 
still,  whatever  he  talks  about,  you  want  to  drop  your 
underjaw  and  listen,  the  same  as  if  you  had  never 
heard  such  incredible  wisdom  in  all  your  life  before, 
and  were  afraid  you  might  die  before  you  got  enough 
of  it.  That  will  please  Jones." 

It  tickled  Marco  to  the  marrow  to  hear  about  such 
an  odd  character;  but  it  also  prepared  him  for  acci 
dents  ;  and  in  my  experience  when  you  travel  with  a 
king  who  is  letting  on  to  be  something  else  and  can't 
remember  it  more  than  about  half  the  time,  you  can't 
take  too  many  precautions. 

This  was  the  best  store  we  had  come  across  yet ; 
it  had  everything  in  it,  in  small  quantities,  from  anvils 
and  dry  goods  all  the  way  down  to  fish  and  pinchbeck 
jewelry.  I  concluded  I  would  bunch  my  whole  in 
voice  right  here,  and  not  go  pricing  around  any  more. 
So  I  got  rid  of  Marco,  by  sending  him  off  to  invite 
the  mason  and  the  wheelwright,  which  left  the  field 
free  to  me.  For  I  never  care  to  do  a  thing  in  a 
quiet  way  ;  it's  got  to  be  theatrical  or  I  don't  take 
any  interest  in  it.  I  showed  up  money  enough,  in  a 
careless  way,  to  corral  the  shopkeeper's  respect,  and 
then  I  wrote  down  a  list  of  the  things  I  wanted,  and 
handed  it  to  him  to  sec  if  he  could  read  it.  He  could, 
and  was  proud  to  show  that  he  could.  He  said  he 
had  been  educated  by  a  priest,  and  could  both  read 
and  write.  He  ran  it  through,  and  remarked  with 
satisfaction  that  it  was  a  pretty  heavy  bill.  Well,  and 


299 

so  it  was,  for  a  little  concern  like  that.  I  was  not 
only  providing  a  swell  dinner,  but  some  odds  and  ends 
of  extras.  I  ordered  that  the  things  be  carted  out 
and  delivered  at  the  dwelling  of  Marco  the  son  of1 
Marco  by  Saturday  evening,  and  send  me  the  bill  at 
dinner-time  Sunday.  He  said  I  could  depend  upon 
his  promptness  and  exactitude,  it  was  the  rule  of  the 
house.  He  also  observed  that  he  would  throw  in  a 
couple  of  miller-guns  for  the  Marcos  gratis  —  that 
everybody  was  using  them  now.  He  had  a  mighty 
opinion  of  that  clever  device.  I  said  : 

"  And  please  fill  them  up  to  the  middle  mark,  too ; 
and  add  that  to  the  bill." 

He  would,  with  pleasure.  He  filled  them,  and  I 
took  them  with  me.  I  couldn't  venture  to  tell  him 
that  the  miller-gun  was  a  little  invention  of  my  own, 
and  that  I  had  officially  ordered  that  every  shopkeeper 
in  the  kingdom  keep  them  on  hand  and  sell  them  at 
government  price  —  which  was  the  merest  trifle,  and 
the  shopkeeper  got  that,  not  the  government.  We 
furnished  them  for  nothing. 

The  king  had  hardly  missed  us  when  we  got  back  at 
nightfall.  He  had  early  dropped  again  into  his  dream 
of  a  grand  invasion  of  Gaul  with  the  whole  strength 
of  his  kingdom  at  his  back,  and  the  afternoon  had 
slipped  away  without  his  ever  coming  to  himself 
again. 


CHAPTER   XXXII 
DOWLEY'S   HUMILIATION 

WELL,  when  that  cargo  arrived,  toward  sunset,  Sat 
urday  afternoon,  I  had  my  hands  full  to  keep  the  Mar 
cos  from  fainting.  They  were  sure  Jones  and  I  were 
ruined  past  help,  and  they  blamed  themselves  as  ac 
cessories  to  this  bankruptcy.  You  see,  in  addition  to  the 
dinner-materials,  which  called  for  a  sufficiently  round 
sum,  I  had  bought  a  lot  of  extras  for  the  future  com 
fort  of  the  family :  for  instance,  a  big  lot  of  wheat,  a 
delicacy  as  rare  to  the  tables  of  their  class  as  was 
ice-cream  to  a  hermit's;  also  a  sizeable  deal  dinner- 
table  ;  also  two  entire  pounds  of  salt,  which  was  an 
other  piece  of  extravagance  in  those  people's  eyes ;  also 
crockery,  stools,  the  clothes,  a  small  cask  of  beer,  and 
so  on.  I  instructed  the  Marcos  to  keep  quiet  about 
this  sumptuousness,  so  as  to  give  me  a  chance  to  sur 
prise  the  guests  and  show  off  a  little.  Concerning  the 
new  clothes,  the  simple  couple  were  like  children ; 
they  were  up  and  down,  all  night,  to  see  if  it  wasn't 
nearly  daylight,  so  that  they  could  put  them  on,  and 
they  were  into  them  at  last  as  much  as  an  hour  before 
dawn  was  due.  Then  their  pleasure — not  to  say  de 
lirium — was  so  fresh  and  novel  and  inspiring  that  the 
sight  of  it  paid  me  well  for  the  interruptions  which 
my  sleep  had  suffered.  The  king  had  slept  just  as 


3QI 

usual — like  the  dead.  The  Marcos  could  not  thank 
him  for  their  clothes,  that  being  forbidden  ;  but  they 
tried  every  way  they  could  think  of  to  make  him  see 
how  grateful  they  were.  Which  all  went  for  nothing  : 
he  didn't  notice  any  change. 

It  turned  out  to  be  one  of  those  rich  and  rare  fall 
days  which  is  just  a  June  day  toned  down  to  a  degree 
where  it  is  heaven  to  be  out  of  doors.  Toward  noon 
the  guests  arrived  and  we  assembled  under  a  great 
tree  and  were  soon  as  sociable  as  old  acquaintances. 
Even  the  king's  reserve  melted  a  little,  though  it  was 
some  little  trouble  to  him  to  adjust  himself  to  the 
name  of  Jones  along  at  first.  I  had  asked  him  to  try 
to  not  forget  that  he  was  a  farmer;  but  I  had  also 
considered  it  prudent  to  ask  him  to  let  the  thing 
stand  at  that,  and  not  elaborate  it  any.  Because  he 
was  just  the  kind  of  person  you  could  depend  on  to 
spoil  a  little  thing  like  that  if  you  didn't  warn  him, 
his  tongue  was  so  handy,  and  his  spirit  so  willing,  and 
his  information  so  uncertain. 

Dowley  was  in  fine  feather,  and  I  early  got  him 
started,  and  then  adroitly  worked  him  around  onto 
his  own  history  for  a  text  and  himself  for  a  hero,  and 
then  it  was  good  to  sit  there  and  hear  him  hum.  Self- 
made  man,  you  know.  They  know  how  to  talk.  They 
do  deserve  more  credit  than  any  other  breed  of  men, 
yes,  that  is  true ;  and  they  are  among  the  very  first  to 
find  it  out,  too.  He  told  how  he  had  begun  life  an 
orphan  lad  without  money  and  without  friends  able 
to  help  him ;  how  he  had  lived  as  the  slaves  of  the 
meanest  master  lived  ;  how  his  day's  work  was  from 
sixteen  to  eighteen  hours  long,  and  yielded  him  only 
enough  black  bread  to  keep  hirb  in  a  half-fed  con- 


3Q2 

dition ;  how  his  faithful  endeavors  finally  attracted 
the  attention  of  a  good  blacksmith,  who  came  near 
knocking  him  dead  with  kindness  by  suddenly  offer 
ing,  when  he  was  totally  unprepared,  to  take  him  as 
his  bound  apprentice  for  nine  years  and  give  him 
board  and  clothes  and  teach  him  the  trade — or  "  mys 
tery"  as  Dowley  called  it.  That  was  his  first  great 
rise,  his  first  gorgeous  stroke  of  fortune ;  and  you  saw 
that  he  couldn't  yet  speak  of  it  without  a  sort  of  elo 
quent  wonder  and  delight  that  such  a  gilded  promo 
tion  should  have  fallen  to  the  lot  of  a  common  human 
being.  He  got  no  new  clothing  during  his  apprentice 
ship,  but  on  his  graduation  day  his  master  tricked  him 
out  in  spang-new  tow-linens  and  made  him  feel  un 
speakably  rich  and  fine. 

"I  remember  me  of  that  day!"  the  wheelwright 
sang  out,  with  enthusiasm. 

"  And  I  likewise !"  cried  the  mason.  "  I  would  not 
believe  they  were  thine  own  ;  in  faith  I  could  not." 

"  Nor  others  !"  shouted  Dowley,  with  sparkling  eyes. 
"  I  was  like  to  lose  my  character,  the  neighbors 
wending  I  had  mayhap  been  stealing.  It  was  a 
great  day,  a  great  day ;  one  forgetteth  not  days  like 
that." 

Yes,  and  his  master  was  a  fine  man,  and  prosperous, 
and  always  had  a  great  feast  of  meat  twice  in  the 
year,  and  with  it  white  bread,  true  wheaten  bread  ; 
in  fact,  lived  like  a  lord,  so  to  speak.  And  in  time 
Dowley  succeeded  to  the  business  and  married  the 
daughter. 

"  And  now  consider  what  is  come  to  pass,"  said  he, 
impressively.  "  Two  times  in  every  month  there  is 
fresh  meat  upon  my  table."  He  made  a  pause  here, 


3Q3 

to  let  that  fact  sink  home,  then  added — "  and  eight 
times,  salt  meat." 

"  It  is  even  true,"  said  the  wheelwright,  with  bated 
breath. 

"  I  know  it  of  mine  own  knowledge,"  said  the  mason, 
in  the  same  reverent  fashion. 

"  On  my  table  appeareth  white  bread  every  Sunday 
in  the  year,"  added  the  master  smith,  with  solemnity. 
"  I  leave  it  to  your  own  consciences,  friends,  if  this  is 
not  also  true  ?" 

"  By  my  head,  yes !"  cried  the  mason. 

"  I  can  testify  it — and  I  do,"  said  the  wheelwright. 

"  And  as  to  furniture,  ye  shall  say  yourselves  what 
mine  equipment  is."  He  waved  his  hand  in  fine  gest 
ure  of  granting  frank  and  unhampered  freedom  of 
speech,  and  added  :  "  Speak  as  ye  are  moved ;  speak 
as  ye  would  speak  an  I  were  not  here." 

"  Ye  have  five  stools,  and  of  the  sweetest  workman 
ship  at  that,  albeit  your  family  is  but  three,"  said  the 
wheelwright,  with  deep  respect. 

"  And  six  wooden  goblets,  and  six  platters  of  wood 
and  two  of  pewter  to  eat  and  drink  from  withal," 
said  the  mason,  impressively.  "  And  I  say  it  as  know 
ing  God  is  my  judge,  and  we  tarry  not  here  alway, 
but  must  answer  at  the  last  day  for  the  things  said  in 
the  body,  be  they  false  or  be  they  sooth." 

"  Now  ye  know  what  manner  of  man  I  am,  brother 
Jones,"  said  the  smith,  with  a  fine  and  friendly  conde 
scension,  "and  doubtless  ye  would  look  to  find  me  a 
man  jealous  of  his  due  of  respect  and  but  sparing  of 
outgo  to  strangers  till  their  rating  and  quality  be  as 
sured,  but  trouble  yourself  not,  as  concerning  that ;  wit 
ye  well  ye  shall  find  me  a  man  that  regardeth  not  these 


304 

matters  but  is  willing  to  receive  any  he  as  his  fellow 
and  equal  that  carrieth  a  right  heart  in  his  body,  be 
his  worldly  estate  howsoever  modest.  And  in  token 
of  it,  here  is  my  hand ;  and  I  say  with  my  own  mouth 
we  are  equals — equals  " — and  he  smiled  around  on  the 
company  with  the  satisfaction  of  a  god  who  is  doing 
the  handsome  and  gracious  thing  and  is  quite  well 
aware  of  it. 

The  king  took  the  hand  with  a  poorly  disguised 
reluctance,  and  let  go  of  it  as  willingly  as  a  lady  lets 
go  of  a  fish  ;  all  of  which  had  a  good  effect,  for  it 
was  mistaken  for  an  embarrassment  natural  to  one 
who  was  being  beamed  upon  by  greatness. 

The  dame  brought  out  the  table,  now,  and  set  it 
under  the  tree.  It  caused  a  visible  stir  of  surprise, 
it  being  brand  new  and  a  sumptuous  article  of  deal. 
But  the  surprise  rose  higher  still,  when  the  dame,  with 
a  body  oozing  easy  indifference  at  every  pore,  but 
eyes  that  gave  it  all  away  by  absolutely  flaming  with 
vanity,  slowly  unfolded  an  actual  simon-pure  table 
cloth  and  spread  it.  That  was  a  notch  above  even 
the  blacksmith's  domestic  grandeurs,  and  it  hit  him 
hard  ;  you  could  see  it.  But  Marco  was  in  Paradise ; 
you  could  see  that,  too.  Then  the  dame  brought  two 
fine  new  stools — whew  !  that  was  a  sensation  ;  it  was 
visible  in  the  eyes  of  every  guest.  Then  she  brought 
two  more — as  calmly  as  she  could.  Sensation  again — 
with  awed  murmurs.  Again  she  brought  two — walk 
ing  on  air,  she  was  so  proud.  The  guests  were  petri 
fied,  and  the  mason  muttered  : 

"  There  is  that  about  earthly  pomps  which  doth 
ever  move  to  reverence." 

As  the  dame   turned  away,    Marco    couldn't   help 


THE    FEAST 


305 

slapping  on  the  climax  while  the  thing  was  hot;  so 
he  said  with  what  was  meant  for  a  languid  composure 
but  was  a  poor  imitation  of  it : 

"  These  suffice  ;  leave  the  rest/' 

So  there  were  more  yet !  It  was  a  fine  effect.  I 
couldn't  have  played  the  hand  better  myself. 

From  this  out,  the  madam  piled  up  the  surprises 
with  a  rush  that  fired  the  general  astonishment  up 
to  a  hundred  and  fifty  in  the  shade,  and  at  the  same 
time  paralyzed  expression  of  it  down  to  gasped 
"  Oil's ''  and  "  Ah's,"  and  mute  upliftings  of  hands  and 
eyes.  She  fetched  crockery — new,  and  plenty  of  it ; 
new  wooden  goblets  and  other  table  furniture;  and 
beer,  fish,  chicken,  a  goose,  eggs,  roast  beef,  roast  mut 
ton,  a  ham,  a  small  roast  pig,  and  a  wealth  of  genuine 
white  wheaten  bread.  Take  it  by  and  large,  that 
spread  laid  everything  far  and  away  in  the  shade  that 
ever  that  crowd  had  seen  before.  And  while  they  sat 
there  just  simply  stupefied  with  wonder  and  awe,  I 
sort  of  waved  my  hand  as  if  by  accident,  and  the 
store-keeper's  son  emerged  from  space  and  said  he  had 
come  to  collect. 

"  That's  all  right,"  I  said,  indifferently.  "  What  is 
the  amount  ?  give  us  the  items." 

Then  he  read  off  this  bill,  while  those  three  amazed 
men  listened,  and  serene  waves  of  satisfaction  rolled 
over  my  soul  and  alternate  waves  of  terror  and  admi 
ration  surged  over  Marco's : 

2  pounds  salt 200 

8  dozen  pints  beer,  in  the  wood 800 

3  bushels  wheat 2,700 

2  pounds  fish 100 

3  hens 400 


306 


i  goose 400 

3  dozen  eggs 150 

i  roast  of  beef 450 

i      "      "   mutton 400 

i  ham 800 

1  sucking  pig 500 

2  crockery  dinner  sets 6,000 

2  men's  suits  and  underwear 2,800 

i  stuff  and  i  linsey-woolsey  gown  and  un 
derwear i, 600 

8  wooden  goblets 800 

Various  table  furniture 10,000 

1  deal  table 3,000 

8  stools 4,000 

2  miller-guns,  loaded 3,000 

He  ceased.  There  was  a  pale  and  awful  silence. 
Not  a  limb  stirred.  Not  a  nostril  betrayed  the  pas 
sage  of  breath. 

"  Is  that  all?"  I  asked,  in  a  voice  of  the  most  per 
fect  calmness. 

"  All,  fair  sir,  save  that  certain  matters  of  light  mo 
ment  are  placed  together  under  a  head  hight  sundries. 
If  it  would  like  you,  I  will  sepa — " 

"  It  is  of  no  consequence,"  I  said,  accompanying  the 
words  with  a  gesture  of  the  most  utter  indifference ; 
"  give  me  the  grand  total,  please." 

The  clerk  leaned  against  the  tree  to  stay  himself, 
and  said  : 

"  Thirty-nine  thousand  one  hundred  and  fifty  mil- 
rays  !" 

The  wheelwright  fell  off  his  stool,  the  others  grabbed 
the  table  to  save  themselves,  and  there  was  a  deep  and 
general  ejaculation  of — 

"  God  be  with  us  in  the  day  of  disaster !" 


3Q7 

The  clerk  hastened  to  say  : 

"  My  father  chargeth  me  to  say  he  cannot  honora 
bly  require  you  to  pay  it  all  at  this  time,  and  therefore 
only  prayeth  you — " 

I  paid  no  more  heed  than  if  it  were  the  idle  breeze, 
but  with  an  air  of  indifference  amounting  almost  to 
weariness,  got  out  my  money  and  tossed  four  dollars 
onto  the  table.  Ah,  you  should  have  seen  them  stare  ! 

The  clerk  was  astonished  and  charmed.  He  asked 
me  to  retain  one  of  the  dollars  as  security,  until  he 
could  go  to  town  and—  I  interrupted : 

"What,  and  fetch  back  nine  cents?  Nonsense. 
Take  the  whole.  Keep  the  change." 

There  was  an  amazed  murmur  to  this  effect: 

"  Verily  this  being  is  made  of  money  !  He  throweth 
it  away  even  as  it  were  dirt." 

The  blacksmith  was  a  crushed  man. 

The  clerk  took  his  money  and  reeled  away  drunk 
with  fortune.  I  said  to  Marco  and  his  wife : 

"  Good  folk,  here  is  a  little  trifle  for  you  " — handing 
the  miller-guns  as  if  it  were  a  matter  of  no  conse 
quence  though  each  of  them  contained  fifteen  cents 
in  solid  cash  ;  and  while  the  poor  creatures  went  to 
pieces  with  astonishment  and  gratitude,  I  turned  to 
the  others  and  said  as  calmly  as  one  would  ask  the 
time  of  day  : 

"  Well,  if  we  are  all  ready,  I  judge  the  dinner  is. 
Come,  fall  to." 

Ah,  well,  it  was  immense ;  yes,  it  was  a  daisy.  I 
don't  know  that  I  ever  put  a  situation  together  better, 
or  got  happier  spectacular  effects  out  of  the  materials 
available.  The  blacksmith  —  well,  he  was  simply 
mashed.  Land  !  I  wouldn't  have  felt  what  that  man 


3Q8 

was  feeling,  for  anything  in  the  world.  Here  he  had 
been  blowing  and  bragging  about  his  grand  meat-feast 
twice  a  year,  and  his  fresh  meat  twice  a  month,  and 
his  salt  meat  twice  a  week,  and  his  white  bread  every 
Sunday  the  year  round — all  for  a  family  of  three  ;  the 
entire  cost  for  the  year  not  above  69.2.6  (sixty-nine 
cents,  two  mills  and  six  milrays,)  and  all  of  a  sudden 
here  comes  along  a  man  who  slashes  out  nearly  four 
dollars  on  a  single  blow-out ;  and  not  only  that,  but 
acts  as  if  it  made  him  tired  to  handle  such  small  sums. 
Yes,  Dowley  was  a  good  deal  wilted,  and  shrunk-up 
and  collapsed  ;  he  had  the  aspect  of  a  bladder-balloon 
that's  been  stepped  on  by  a  cow. 


CHAPTER  XXXIII 
SIXTH   CENTURY    POLITICAL    ECONOMY 

HOWEVER,  I  made,  a  dead  set  at  him,  and  before 
the  first  third  of  the  dinner  was  reached,  I  had  him 
happy  again.  It  was  easy  to  do — in  a  country  of 
ranks  and  castes.  You  see,  in  a  country  where  they 
have  ranks  and  castes,  a  man  isn't  ever  a  man,  he  is 
only  part  of  a  man,  he  can't  ever  get  his  full  growth. 
You  prove  your  superiority  over  him  in  station,  or 
rank,  or  fortune,  and  that's  the  end  of  it — he  knuckles 
down.  You  can't  insult  him  after  that.  No,  I  don't 
mean  quite  that ;  of  course  you  can  insult  him,  I  only 
mean  it's  difficult  ;  and  so,  unless  you've  got  a  lot  of 
useless  time  on  your  hands  it  doesn't  pay  to  try.  I 
had  the  smith's  reverence,  now,  because  I  was  appar 
ently  immensely  prosperous  and  rich  ;  I  could  have 
had  his  adoration  if  I  had  had  some  little  gimcrack 
title  of  nobility.  And  not  only  his,  but  any  common 
er's  in  the  land,  though  he  were  the  mightiest  pro 
duction  of  all  the  ages,  in  intellect,  worth,  and  char 
acter,  and  I  bankrupt  in  all  three.  This  was  to  remain 
so,  as  long  as  England  should  exist  in  the  earth.  With 
the  spirit  of  prophecy  upon  me,  I  could  look  into  the 
future  and  see  her  erect  statues  and  monuments  to 
her  unspeakable  Georges  and  other  royal  and  noble 

clothes-horses,  and    leave   unhonored  the   creators  of 

21  CY 


this  world — after  God — Gutenburg,  Watt,  Arkwright, 
Whitney,  Morse,  Stephenson,  Bell. 

The  king  got  his  cargo  aboard,  and  then,  the  talk 
not  turning  upon  battle,  conquest,  or  iron-clad  duel, 
he  dulled  down  to  drowsiness  and  went  off  to  take  a 
nap.  Mrs.  Marco  cleared  the  table,  placed  the  beer- 
keg  handy,  and  went  away  to  eat  her  dinner  of  leav 
ings  in  humble  privacy,  and  the  rest  of  us  soon  drifted 
into  matters  near  and  dear  to  the  hearts  of  our  sort 
—business  and  wages,  of  course.  At  a  first  glance, 
things  appeared  to  be  exceeding  prosperous  in  this 
little  tributary  kingdom — whose  lord  was  King  Bag- 
demagus — as  compared  with  the  state  of  things  in 
my  own  region.  They  had  the  "  protection  "  system 
in  full  force  here,  whereas  we  were  working  along 
down  towards  free-trade,  by  easy  stages,  and  were 
now  about  half  way.  before  long,  Dowley  and  I  were 
doing  all  the  talking,  the  others  hungrily  listening. 
Dowley  warmed  to  his  work,  snuffed  an  advantage 
in  the  air,  and  began  to  put  questions  which  he  con 
sidered  pretty  awkward  ones  for  me,  and  they  did 
have  something  of  that  look : 

"  In  your  country,  brother,  what  is  the  wage  of  a 
master  bailiff,  master  hind,  carter,  shepherd,  swine 
herd  ?" 

"  Twenty-five  milrays  a  day ;  that  is  to  say,  a  quar 
ter  of  a  cent." 

The  smith's  face  beamed  with  joy.     He  said : 

"  With  us  they  are  allowed  the  double  of  it !  And 
what  may  a  mechanic  get — carpenter,  dauber,  masorv, 
painter,  blacksmith,  wheelwright  and  the  like?" 

"  On  the  average,  fifty  milrays ;  half  a  cent  a  day." 

"  Ho-ho !     With  us  they  are  allowed  a  hundred  ! 


3"  * 

With  us  any  good  mechanic  is  allowed  a  cent  a  day  ! 
I  count  out  the  tailor,  but  not  the  others — they  are 
all  allowed  a  cent  a  day,  and  in  driving  times  they 
get  more- -yes,  up  to  a  hundred  and  ten  and  even 
fifteen  milrays  a  day.  I've  paid  a  hundred  and  fif 
teen  myself,  within  the  week.  'Rah  for  protection — 
to  Sheol  with  free-trade !" 

And  his  face  shone  upon  the  company  like  a  sun 
burst.  But  I  didn't  scare  at  all.  I  rigged  up  my 
pile-driver,  and  allowed  myself  fifteen  minutes  to 
drive  him  into  the  earth — drive  him  all  in — drive  him 
in  till  not  even  the  curve  of  his  skull  should  show  above 
ground.  Here  is  the  way  I  started  in  on  him.  I  asked  : 

"  What  do  you  pay  a  pound  for  salt?" 

"  A  hundred  milrays." 

"  We  pay  forty.  What  do  you  pay  for  beef  and 
mutton — when  you  buy  it  ?"  That  was  a  neat  hit ;  it 
made  the  color  come. 

"  It  varieth  somewhat,  but  not  much  ;  one  may  say 
75  milrays  the  pound." 

"  We  pay  33.     What  do  you  pay  for  eggs  ?" 

"  Fifty  milrays  the  dozen." 

"  We  pay  20.     What  do  you  pay  for  beer?" 

"  It  costeth  us  8£  milrays  the  pint." 

"  We  get  it  for  4  ;  25  bottles  for  a  cent.  What  do 
you  pay  for  wheat  ?" 

"  At  the  rate  of  900  milrays  the  bushel." 

"  We  pay  400.  What  do  you  pay  for  a  man's  tow- 
linen  suit  ?" 

"  Thirteen  cents." 

"  We  pay  6.  What  do  you  pay  for  a  stuff  gown 
for  the  wife  of  the  laborer  or  the  mechanic  ?" 

"  We  pay  8.4.0." 


312 

"  Well,  observe  the  difference :  you  pay  eight  cents 
and  four  mills,  we  pay  only  four  cents."  I  prepared, 
now,  to  sock  it  to  him.  I  said :  "  Look  aere,  dear 
friend,  what's  become  of  your  high  wages  you  were 
bragging  so  about,  a  few  minutes  ago?" — and  I  looked 
around  on  the  company  with  placid  satisfaction,  for 
I  had  slipped  up  on  him  gradually  and  tied  him 
hand  and  foot,  you  see,  without  his  ever  noticing 
that  he  was  being  tied  at  all.  "  What's  become  of 
those  noble  high  wages  of  yours? — I  seem  to  have 
knocked  the  stuffing  all  out  of  them,  it  appears 
to  me." 

But  if  you  will  believe  me,  he  merely  looked  sur 
prised,  that  is  all !  he  didn't  grasp  the  situation  at  all, 
didn't  know  he  had  walked  into  a  trap,  didn't  dis 
cover  that  he  was  in  a  trap.  I  could  have  shot  him, 
from  sheer  vexation.  With  cloudy  eye  and  a  strug 
gling  intellect,  he  fetched  this  out: 

"  Marry,  I  seem  not  to  understand.  It  is  proved 
that  our  wages  be  double  thine ;  how  then  may  it  be 
that  thou'st  knocked  therefrom  the  stuffing  ? — an  I 
miscall  not  the  wonderly  word,  this  being  the  first 
time  under  grace  and  providence  of  God  it  hath  been 
granted  me  to  hear  it." 

Well,  I  was  stunned;  partly  with  this  unlooked-for 
stupidity  on  his  part,  and  partly  because  his  fellows 
so  manifestly  sided  with  him  and  were  of  his  mind — 
if  you  might  call  it  mind.  My  position  was  simple 
enough,  plain  enough ;  how  could  it  ever  be  simplified 
more?  However,  I  must  try  : 

"  Why,  look  here,  brother  Dowley,  don't  you  see  ? 
Your  wages  are  merely  higher  than  ours  in  name,  not 
in  fact." 


313 

"  Hear  him  !  They  are  the  double — ye  have  con 
fessed  it  yourself." 

"  Yes-yes,  I  don't  deny  that  at  all.  But  that's  got 
nothing  to  do  with  it ;  the  amount  of  the  wages  in 
mere  coins,  with  meaningless  names  attached  to  them 
to  know  them  by,  has  got  nothing  to  do  with  it.  The 
thing  is,  how  much  can  you  buy  with  your  wages  ? — 
that's  the  idea.  While  it  is  true  that  with  you  a 
good  mechanic  is  allowed  about  three  dollars  and  a 
half  a  year,  and  with  us  only  about  a  dollar  and 
seventy-five — " 

"  There — ye're  confessing  it  again,  ye're  confessing 
it  again  !" 

44  Confound  it,  I've  never  denied  it  I  tell  you ! 
What  I  say  is  this.  With  us  half  a  dollar  buys  more 
than  a  dollar  buys  with  you — and  tlicrefore  it  stands 
to  reason  and  the  commonest  kind  of  common-sense, 
that  our  wages  are  higher  than  yours." 

He  looked  dazed,  and  said,  despairingly : 

"  Verily,  I  cannot  make  it  out.  Ye've  just  said 
ours  are  the  higher,  and  with  the  same  breath  ye 
take  it  back." 

"  Oh,  great  Scott,  isn't  it  possible  to  get  such  a 
simple  thing  through  your  head?  Now  look  here — 
let  me  illustrate.  We  pay  four  cents  for  a  woman's 
stuff  gown,  you  pay  8.4.0,  which  is  four  mills  more 
than  double.  What  do  you  allow  a  laboring  woman 
who  works  on  a  farm  ?" 

"  Two  mills  a  day." 

44  Very  good ;  we  allow  but  half  as  much ;  we  pay 
her  only  a  tenth  of  a  cent  a  day ;  and — " 

"  Again  ye're  conf — " 

"  Wait !     Now,  you  see,  the  thing  is  very  simple  ; 


3U 

this  time  you'll  understand  it.  For  instance,  it  takes 
your  woman  42  days  to  earn  her  gown,  at  2  mills  a 
day — 7  weeks'  work;  but  ours  earns  hers  in  forty  days 
— two  days  short  of  7  weeks.  Your  woman  has  a 
gown,  and  her  whole  seven  weeks'  wages  are  gone  ;  ours 
has  a  gown,  and  two  days'  wages  left,  to  buy  some 
thing  else  with.  There — now  you  understand  it !" 

He  looked  —  well,  he  merely  looked  dubious,  it's 
the  most  I  can  say;  so  did  the  others.  I  waited — 
to  let  the  thing  work.  Dowley  spoke  at  last — and 
betrayed  the  fact  that  he  actually  hadn't  gotten  away 
from  his  rooted  and  grounded  superstitions  yet.  He 
said,  with  a  trifle  of  hesitancy: 

"  But — but — ye  cannot  fail  to  grant  that  two  mills 
a  day  is  better  than  one." 

Shucks !  Well,  of  course  I  hated  to  give  it  up. 
So  I  chanced  another  flyer: 

"  Let    us    suppose   a   case.       Suppose   one  of  your 
journeymen  goes  out  and  buys  the  following  articles : 
"  I  pound  of  salt; 

i  dozen  eggs  ; 

I  dozen  pints  of  beer; 

I  bushel  of  wheat ; 

I  tow-linen  suit  ; 

5  pounds  of  beef ; 

5  pounds  of  mutton. 

"The  lot  will  cost  him  32  cents.  It  takes  him  32 
working  days  to  earn  the  money — 5  weeks  and  2  days. 
Let  him  come  to  us  and  work  32  days  at  half  the 
wages ;  he  can  buy  all  those  things  for  a  shade  under 
14^  cents  ;  they  will  cost  him  a  shade  under  29  days' 
work,  and  he  will  have  about  half  a  week's  wages 
over.  Carry  it  through  the  year ;  he  would  save  near- 


ly  a  week's  wages  every  two  months,  your  man  noth 
ing;  thus  saving  five  or  six  weeks'  wages  in  a  year, 
your  man  not  a  cent.  Now  I  reckon  you  understand 
that  '  high  wages '  and  '  low  wages '  are  phrases  that 
don't  mean  anything  in  the  world  until  you  find  out 
which  of  them  will  buy  the  most !" 

It  was  a  crusher. 

But  alas,  it  didn't  crush.  No,  I  had  to  give  it  up. 
What  those  people  valued  was  high  wages ;  it  didn't 
seem  to  be  a  matter  of  any  consequence  to  them 
whether  the  high  wages  would  buy  anything  or  not. 
They  stood  for  "  protection,"  and  swore  by  it,  which 
was  reasonable  enough,  because  interested  parties  had 
gulled  them  into  the  notion  that  it  was  protection 
which  had  created  their  high  wages.  I  proved  to 
them  that  in  a  quarter  of  a  century  their  wages  had 
advanced  but  30  per  cent.,  while  the  cost  of  living  had 
gone  up  100;  and  that  with  us,  in  a  shorter  time, 
wages  had  advanced  40  per  cent,  while  the  cost  of 
living  had  gone  steadily  down.  But  it  didn't  do  any 
good.  Nothing  could  unseat  their  strange  beliefs. 

Well,  I  was  smarting  under  a  sense  of  defeat.  Un 
deserved  defeat,  but  what  of  that  ?  That  didn't  soft 
en  the  smart  any.  And  to  think  of  the  circumstances! 
the  first  statesman  of  the  age,  the  capablest  man,  the 
best-informed  man  in  the  entire  world,  the  loftiest  un 
crowned  head  that  had  moved  through  the  clouds  of 
any  political  firmament  for  centuries,  sitting  here  ap 
parently  defeated  in  argument  by  an  ignorant  coun 
try  blacksmith  I  And  I  could  see  that  those  others 
were  sorry  for  me  ! — which  made  me  blush  till  I  could 
smell  my  whiskers  scorching.  Put  yourself  in  my 
place;  feel  as  mean  as  I  did,  as  ashamed  as  I  felt — 


wouldn't  you  have  struck  below  the  belt  to  get  even  ? 
Yes,  you  would ;  it  is  simply  human  nature.  Well, 
that  is  what  I  did.  I  am  not  trying  to  justify  it ;  I'm 
only  saying  that  I  was  mad,  and  anybody  would  have 
done  it. 

Well,  when  I  make  up  my  mind  to  hit  a  man,  I 
don't  plan  out  a  love-tap ;  no,  that  isn't  my  way ;  as 
long  as  I'm  going  to  hit  him  at  all,  I'm  going  to  hit 
him  a  lifter.  And  I  don't  jump  at  him  all  of  a  sud 
den,  and  risk  making  a  blundering  half-way  business 
of  it ;  no,  I  get  away  off  yonder  to  one  side,  and  work 
up  on  him  gradually,  so  that  he  never  suspects  that 
I'm  going  to  hit  him  at  all ;  and  by-and-by,  all  in  a 
flash,  he's  flat  of  his  back,  and  he  can't  tell  for  the  life 
of  him  how  it  all  happened.  That  is  the  way  I  went 
for  brother  Dowley.  I  started  to  talking  lazy  and 
comfortable,  as  if  I  was  just  talking  to  pass  the 
time ;  and  the  oldest  man  in  the  world  couldn't  have 
taken  the  bearings  of  my  starting  place  and  guessed 
where  I  was  going  to  fetch  up : 

"  Boys,  there's  a  good  many  curious  things  about 
law,  and  custom,  and  usage,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing, 
when  you  come  to  look  at  it ;  yes,  and  about  the  drift 
and  progress  of  human  opinion  and  movement,  too. 
There  are  written  laws — they  perish  ;  but  there  are 
also  unwritten  laws — -they  are  eternal.  Take  the  un 
written  law  of  wages :  it  says  they've  got  to  advance, 
little  by  little,  straight  through  the  centuries.  And 
notice  how  it  works.  We  know  what  wages  are  now, 
here  and  there  and  yonder ;  we  strike  an  average,  and 
say  that's  the  wages  of  to-day.  We  know  what  the 
wages  were  a  hundred  years  ago,  and  what  they  were 
two  hundred  years  ago ;  that's  as  far  back  as  we  can 


317 

get,  but  it  suffices  to  give  us  the  law  of  progress,  the 
measure  and  rate  of  the  periodical  augmentation  ;  and 
so,  without  a  document  to  help  us,  we  can  come  pretty 
close  to  determining  what  the  wages  were  three  and 
four  and  five  hundred  years  ago.  Good,  so  far.  Do 
we  stop  there?  No.  We  stop  looking  backward; 
we  face  around  and  apply  the  law  to  the  future.  My 
friends,  I  can  tell  you  what  people's  wages  are  going 
to  be  at  any  date  in  the  future  you  want  to  know,  for 
hundreds  and  hundreds  of  years." 

'*  What,  goodman,  what  !" 

"  Yes.  In  seven  hundred  years  wages  will  have 
risen  to  six  times  what  they  are  now,  here  in  your 
region,  and  farm  hands  will  be  allowed  3  cents  a  day, 
and  mechanics  6." 

"  I  would  I  might  die  now  and  live  then  !"  inter 
rupted  Smug  the  wheelwright,  with  a  fine  avaricious 
glow  in  his  eye. 

"  And  that  isn't  all  ;  they'll  get  their  board  besides 
— such  as  it  is:  it  won't  bloat  them.  Two  hundred 
and  fifty  years  later — pay  attention,  now — a  mechan 
ic's  wages  will  be — mind  you,  this  is  law,  not  guess 
work  ;  a  mechanic's  wages  will  then  be  twenty  cents 
a  day  !" 

There  was  a  general  gasp  of  awed  astonishment. 
Dickon  the  mason  murmured,  with  raised  eyes  and 
hands : 

"  More  than  three  weeks'  pay  for  one  day's  work !" 

<l  Riches  ! — of  a  truth,  yes,  riches  !"  muttered  Mar 
co,  his  breath  coming  quick  and  short,  with  excite 
ment. 

"  Wages  will  keep  on  rising,  little  by  little,  little  by 
little,  as  steadily  as  a  tree  grows,  and  at  the  end  of 


3*8 

three  hundred  and  forty  years  more  there'll  be  at  least 
one  country  where  the  mechanic's  average  wage  will  be 
two  hundred  cents  a  day  !" 

It  knocked  them  absolutely  dumb !  Not  a  man  of 
them  could  get  his  breath  for  upwards  of  two  minutes. 
Then  the  coal  burner  said  prayerfully : 

"  Might  I  but  live  to  see  it !" 

"  It  is  the  income  of  an  earl!"  said  Smug. 

"  An  earl,  say  ye  ?"  said  Dowley ;  "  ye  could  say  more 
than  that  and  speak  no  lie  ;  there's  no  earl  in  the  realm 
of  Bagdemagus  that  hath  an  income  like  to  that.  In 
come  of  an  earl — mf !  it's  the  income  of  an  angel !" 

"  Now  then,  that  is  what  is  going  to  happen  as  re 
gards  wages.  In  that  remote  day,  that  man  will  earn, 
with  one  week's  work,  that  bill  of  goods  which  it  takes 
you  upwards  of  fifty  weeks  to  earn  now.  Some  other 
pretty  surprising  things  are  going  to  happen,  too. 
Brother  Dowley,  who  is  it  that  determines,  every 
spring,  what  the  particular  wage  of  each  kind  of  me 
chanic,  laborer,  and  servant  shall  be  for  that  year?" 

"  Sometimes  the  courts,  sometimes  the  town  coun 
cil  ;  but  most  of  all,  the  magistrate.  Ye  may  say,  in 
general  terms,  it  is  the  magistrate  that  fixes  the 
wages." 

"  Doesn't  ask  any  of  those  poor  devils  to  help  him 
fix  their  wages  for  them,  does  he  ?" 

"  Hm !  That  were  an  idea!  The  master  that's  to 
pay  him  the  money  is  the  one  that's  rightly  concerned 
in  that  matter,  ye  will  notice." 

"  Yes — but  I  thought  the  other  man  might  have 
some  little  trifle  at  stake  in  it,  too ;  and  even  his  wife 
and  children,  poor  creatures.  The  masters  are  these : 
nobles,  rich  men,  the  prosperous  generally.  These 


319 

few,  who  do  no  work,  determine  what  pay  the  vast 
hive  shall  have  who  do  work.  You  see?  They're  a 
'  combine ' — a  trade  union,  to  coin  a  new  phrase — 
who  band  themselves  together  to  force  their  lowly 
brother  to  take  what  they  choose  to  give.  Thirteen 
hundred  years  hence — so  says  the  unwritten  law — the 
'  combine '  will  be  the  other  way,  and  then  how  these 
fine  people's  posterity  will  fume  and  fret  and  grit  their 
teeth  over  the  insolent  tyranny  of  trade  unions!  Yes 
indeed !  the  magistrate  will  tranquilly  arrange  the 
wages  from  now  clear  away  down  into  the  nineteenth 
century;  and  then  all  of  a  sudden  the  wage -earner 
will  consider  that  a  couple  of  thousand  years  or  so  is 
enough  of  this  one-sided  sort  of  thing ;  and  he  will 
rise  up  and  take  a  hand  in  fixing  his  wages  himself. 
Ah,  he  will  have  a  long  and  bitter  account  of  wrong 
and  humiliation  to  settle." 

"  Do  ye  believe— 

"  That  he  actually  will  help  to  fix  his  own  wages? 
Yes,  indeed.  And  he  will  be  strong  and  able,  then." 

"  Brave  times,  brave  times,  of  a  truth  !"  sneered  the 
prosperous  smith. 

"  Oh,— and  there's  another  detail.  In  that  day,  a 
master  may  hire  a  man  for  only  just  one  day,  or  one 
week,  or  one  month  at  a  time,  if  he  wants  to." 

"What?" 

"  It's  true.  Morever.  a  magistrate  won't  be  able  to 
force  a  man  to  work  for  a  master  a  whole  year  on  a 
stretch  whether  the  man  wants  to  or  not." 

"  Will  there  be  no  law  or  sense  in  that  day."" 

"  Both  of  them,  Dowley.  In  that  day  a  man  will 
be  his  own  property,  not  the  property  of  magistrate 
and  master.  And  he  can  leave  town  whenever  he 


32Q 

wants  to,  if  the  wages  don't  suit  him ! — and  they  can't 
put  him  in  the  pillory  for  it." 

"  Perdition  catch  such  an  age  !"  shouted  Dowley, 
in  strong  indignation.  "  An  age  of  dogs,  an  age  bar 
ren  of  reverence  for  superiors  and  respect  for  author 
ity!  The  pillory — " 

"  Oh,  wait,  brother ;  say  no  good  word  for  that  in 
stitution.  /  think  the  pillory  ought  to  be  abol 
ished." 

"A  most  strange  idea.     Why?" 

"  Well,  I'll  tell  you  why.  Is  a  man  ever  put  in  the 
pillory  for  a  capital  crime?" 

"No." 

"  Is  it  right  to  condemn  a  man  to  a  slight  punish 
ment  for  a  small  offence  and  then  kill  him  ?" 

There  was  no  answer.  I  had  scored  my  first  point ! 
For  the  first  time,  the  smith  wasn't  up  and  ready. 
The  company  noticed  it.  Good  effect. 

"  You  don't  answer,  brother.  You  were  about  to 
glorify  the  pillory  a  while  ago,  and  shed  some  pity  on 
a  future  age  that  isn't  going  to  use  it.  /  think  the 
pillory  ought  to  be  abolished.  What  usually  happens 
when  a  poor  fellow  is  put  in  the  pillory  for  some 
little  offence  that  didn't  amount  to  anything  in  the 
world?  The  mob  try  to  have  some  fun  with  him, 
don't  they  ?" 

"  Yes." 

"They  begin  by  clodding  him;  and  they  laugh 
themselves  to  pieces  to  see  him  try  to  dodge  one 
clod  and  get  hit  with  another?" 

"Yes." 

"  Then  they  throw  dead  cats  at  him,  don't  they?" 

"Yes." 


321 

"Well,  then,  suppose  he  has  a  few  personal  ene 
mies  in  that  mob — and  here  and  there  a  man  or  a 
woman  with  a  secret  grudge  against  him — and  sup 
pose  especially  that  he  is  unpopular  in  the  com 
munity,  for  his  pride,  or  his  prosperity,  or  one  thing 
or  another — stones  and  bricks  take  the  place  of  clods 
and  cats  presently,  don't  they?" 

"There  is  no  doubt  of  it." 

"  As  a  rule  he  is  crippled  for  life,  isn't  he  ? — jaws 
broken,  teeth  smashed  out? — or  legs  mutilated,  gan 
grened,  presently  cut  off? — or  an  eye  knocked  out, 
maybe  both  eyes  ?" 

"  It  is  true,  God  knoweth  it." 

"  And  if  he  is  unpopular  he  can  depend  on  dying, 
right  there  in  the  stocks,  can't  he  ?" 

"  He  surely  can  !     One  may  not  deny  it." 

"  I  take  it  none  of  yon  are  unpopular — by  reason  of 
pride  or  insolence,  or  conspicuous  prosperity,  or  any 
of  those  things  that  excite  envy  and  malice  among 
the  base  scum  of  a  village  ?  You  wouldn't  think  it 
much  of  a  risk  to  take  a  chance  in  the  stocks?" 

Dowley  winced,  visibly.  Tjudged  he  was  hit.  But 
he  didn't  betray  it  by  any  spoken  word.  As  for  the 
others,  they  spoke  out  plainly,  and  with  strong  feel 
ing.  They  said  they  had  seen  enough  of  the  stocks 
to  know  what  a  man's  chance  in  them  was,  and  they 
would  never  consent  to  enter  them  if  they  could  com 
promise  on  a  quick  death  by  hanging. 

"Well,  to  change  the  subject — for  I  think  I've  es 
tablished  my  point  that  the  stocks  ought  to  be 
abolished.  I  think  some  of  our  laws  are  pretty  unfair. 
For  instance,  if  I  do  a  thing  which  ought  to  deliver  me 
to  the  stocks,  and  you  know  I  did  it  and  yet  keep 


3*2 

still  and  don't  report  me,  you  will  get  the  stocks  if 
anybody  informs  on  you." 

"  Ah,  but  that  would  serve  you  but  right,"  said 
Dowley,  "  for  you  must  inform.  So  saith  the  law." 

The  others  coincided. 

"  Well,  all  right,  let  it  go,  since  you  vote  me  down. 
But  there's  one  thing  which  certainly  isn't  fair.  The 
magistrate  fixes  a  mechanic's  wage  at  I  cent  a  day, 
for  instance.  The  law  says  that  if  any  master  shall 
venture  even  under  utmost  press  of  business,  to  pay 
anything  over  that  cent  a  day,  even  for  a  single  day, 
he  shall  be  both  fined  and  pilloried  for  it  ;  and  who 
ever  knows  he  did  it  and  doesn't  inform,  they  also 
shall  be  fined  and  pilloried.  Now  it  seems  to  me  un 
fair,  Dowley,  and  a  deadly  peril  to  all  of  us,  that  be 
cause  you  thoughtlessly  confessed,  a  while  ago,  that 
within  a  week  you  have  paid  a  cent  and  fifteen 
mil — " 

Oh,  I  tell  you  it  was  a  smasher !  You  ought  to  have 
seen  them  go  to  pieces,  the  whole  gang.  I  had  just 
slipped  up  on  poor  smiling  and  complacent  Dowley  so 
nice  and  easy  and  softly,  that  he  never  suspected  any 
thing  was  going  to  happen  till  the  blow  came  crash 
ing  down  and  knocked  him  all  to  rags. 

A  fine  effect.  In  fact  as  fine  as  any  I  ever  pro 
duced,  with  so  little  time  to  work  it  up  in. 

But  I  saw  in  a  moment  that  I  had  overdone  the 
thing  a  little.  I  was  expecting  to  scare  them,  but  I 
wasn't  expecting  to  scare  them  to  death.  They 
were  mighty  near  it,  though.  You  see  they  had  been 
a  whole  lifetime  learning  to  appreciate  the  pillory; 
and  to  have  that  thing  staring  them  in  the  face,  and 
every  one  of  them  distinctly  at  the  mercy  of  me,  a 


stranger,  if  I  chose  to  go  and  report — well,  it  was 
awful,  and  they  couldn't  seem  to  recover  from  the 
shock,  they  couldn't  seem  to  pull  themselves  together. 
Pale,  shaky,  dumb,  pitiful  ?  Why,  they  weren't  any 
better  than  so  many  dead  men.  It  was  very  uncom 
fortable.  Of  course  I  thought  they  would  appeal  to 
me  to  keep  mum,  and  then  we  would  shake  hands, 
and  take  a  drink  all  round,  and  laugh  it  off,  and  there 
an  end.  But  no;  you  see  I  was  an  unknown  person, 
among  a  cruelly  oppressed  and  suspicious  people,  a 
people  always  accustomed  to  having  advantage  taken 
of  their  helplessness,  and  never  expecting  just  or  kind 
treatment  from  any  but  their  own  families  and  very 
closest  intimates.  Appeal  to  me  to  be  gentle,  to  be 
fair,  to  be  generous  ?  Of  course  they  wanted  to,  but 
they  couldn't  dare. 


CHAPTER  XXXIV 
THE    YANKEE   AND    THE    KING   SOLD   AS    SLAVES 

WELL,  what  had  I  better  do  ?  Nothing  in  a  hurry, 
sure.  I  must  get  up  a  diversion  ;  anything  to  employ 
me  while  I  could  think,  and  while  these  poor  fellows 
could  have  a  chance  to  come  to  life  again.  There  sat 
Marco,  petrified  in  the  act  of  trying  to  get  the  hang 
of  his  miller-gun — turned  to  stone,  just  in  the  attitude 
he  was  in  when  my  pile-driver  fell,  the  toy  still  gripped 
in  his  unconscious  fingers.  So  I  took  it  from  him  and 
proposed  to  explain  its  mystery.  Mystery !  a  sim 
ple  little  thing  like  that ;  and  yet  it  was  mysterious 
enough,  for  that  race  and  that  age. 

I  never  saw  such  an  awkward  people,  with  machin 
ery  ;  you  see,  they  were  totally  unused  to  it.  The 
miller-gun  was  a  little  double-barrelled  tube  of  tough 
ened  glass,  with  a  neat  little  trick  of  a  spring  to  it, 
which  upon  pressure  would  let  a  shot  escape.  But 
the  shot  wouldn't  hurt  anybody,  it  would  only  drop 
into  your  hand.  In  the  gun  were  two  sizes — wee 
mustard-seed  shot,  and  another  sort  that  were  several 
times  larger.  They  were  money.  The  mustard-seed 
shot  represented  milrays,  the  larger  ones  mills.  So 
the  gun  was  a  purse ;  and  very  handy,  too  ;  you  could 
pay  out  money  in  the  dark  with  it,  with  accuracy  ; 
and  you  could  carry  it  in  your  mouth  ;  or  in  your  vest 


325 

pocket,  if  you  had  one.  I  made  them  of  several  sizes 
— one  size  so  large  that  it  would  carry  the  equivalent 
of  a  dollar.  Using  shot  for  money  was  a  good  thing 
for  the  government ;  the  metal  cost  nothing,  and  the 
money  couldn't  be  counterfeited,  for  I  was  the  only 
person  in  the  kingdom  who  knew  how  to  manage  a 
shot  tower.  "  Paying  the  shot "  soon  came  to  be  a 
common  phrase.  Yes,  and  I  knew  it  would  still  be 
passing  men's  lips,  away  down  in  the  nineteenth  cen 
tury,  yet  none  would  suspect  how  and  when  it  origi 
nated. 

The  king  joined  us,  about  this  time,  mightily  re 
freshed  by  his  nap,  and  feeling  good.  Anything  could 
make  me  nervous  now,  I  was  so  uneasy — for  our  lives 
were  in  danger;  and  so  it  worried  me  to  detect  a  com 
placent  something  in  the  king's  eye  which  seemed  to 
indicate  that  he  had  been  loading  himself  up  for  a  per 
formance  of  some  kind  or  other;  confound  it,  why 
must  he  go  and  choose  such  a  time  as  this? 

I  was  right.  He  began,  straight  off,  in  the  most  in 
nocently  artful,  and  transparent,  and  lubberly  way,  to 
lead  up  to  the  subject  of  agriculture.  The  cold  sweat 
broke  out  all  over  me.  I  wanted  to  whisper  in  his 
ear,  "  Man,  we  are  in  awful  danger  !  every  moment  is 
worth  a  principality  till  we  get  back  these  men's  con 
fidence  ;  don  t  waste  any  of  this  golden  time."  But  of 
course  I  couldn't  do  it.  Whisper  to  him  ?  It  would 
look  as  if  we  were  conspiring.  So  I  had  to  sit  there 
and  look  calm  and  pleasant  while  the  king  stood  over 
that  dynamite  mine  and  mooned  along  about  his 
damned  onions  and  things.  At  first  the  tumult  of  my 
own  thoughts,  summoned  by  the  danger-signal  and 
swarming  to  the  rescue  from  every  quarter  of  my 

22   CY 


326 

skull,  kept  up  such  a  hurrah  and  confusion  and  fifing 
and  drumming  that  I  couldn't  take  in  a  word ;  but 
presently  when  my  mob  of  gathering  plans  began  to 
crystallize  and  fall  into  position  and  form  line  of  bat 
tle,  a  sort  of  order  and  quiet  ensued  and  I  caught  the 
boom  of  the  king's  batteries,  as  if  out  of  remote  dis 
tance  : 

"  — were  not  the  best  way,  methinks,  albeit  it  is  not 
to  be  denied  that  authorities  differ  as  concerning  this 
point,  some  contending  that  the  onion  is  but  an  un 
wholesome  berry  when  stricken  early  from  the  tree— 

The  audience  showed  signs  of  life,  and  sought  each 
other's  eyes  in  a  surprised  and  troubled  way. 

" — whileas  others  do  yet  maintain,  with  much  show 
of  reason,  that  this  is  not  of  necessity  the  case,  instanc 
ing  that  plums  and  other  like  cereals  do  be  alway? 
dug  in  the  unripe  state — " 

The  audience  exhibited  distinct  distress :  yes,  and 
also  fear. 

" — yet  are  they  clearly  wholesome,  the  more  espe- 
cially  when  one  doth  assuage  the  asperities  of  their 
nature  by  admixture  of  the  tranquillizing  juice  of  the 
wayward  cabbage— 

The  wild  light  of  terror  began  to  glow  in  'these 
men's  eyes,  and  one  of  them  muttered,  "These  be 
errors,  every  one — God  hath  surely  smitten  the  mind 
of  this  farmer."  I  was  in  miserable  apprehension  ;  I 
sat  upon  thorns. 

" — and  further  instancing  the  known  truth  that  in 
the  case  of  animals,  the  young,  which  may  be  called 
the  green  fruit  of  the  creature,  is  the  better,  all  con 
fessing  that  when  a  goat  is  ripe,  his  fur  doth  heat  and 
sore  engame  his  flesh,  the  which  defect,  taken  in  con- 


327 

nection  with  his  several  rancid  habits,  and  fulsome 
appetites,  and  godless  attitudes  of  mind,  and  bilious 
quality  of  morals — " 

They  rose  and  went  for  him  !  With  a  fierce  shout, 
"  The  one  would  betray  us,  the  other  is  mad  !  Kill 
them !  Kill  them  !"  they  flung  themselves  upon  us. 
What  joy  flamed  up  in  the  king's  eye !  He  might  be 
lame  in  agriculture,  but  this  kind  of  thing  was  just  in 
his  line.  He  had  been  fasting  long,  he  was  hungry  for 
a  fight.  He  hit  the  blacksmith  a  crack  under  the  jaw 
that  lifted  him  clear  off  his  feet  and  stretched  him  flat 
of  his  back.  "  St.  George  for  Britain!"  and  he  downed 
the  wheelwright.  The  mason  was  big,  but  I  laid  him 
out  like  nothing.  The  three  gathered  themselves  up 
and  came  again  ;  went  down  again  ;  came  again  ;  and 
kept  on  repeating  this,  with  native  British  pluck,  until 
they  were  battered  to  jelly,  reeling  with  exhaustion, 
and  so  blind  that  they  couldn't  tell  us  from  each  other  ; 
and  yet  they  kept  right  on,  hammering  away  with 
what  might  was  left  in  them.  Hammering  each  other 
—for  we  stepped  aside  and  looked  on  while  they  rolled, 
and  struggled,  and  gouged,  and  pounded,  and  bit,  with 
the  strict  and  wordless  attention  to  business  of  so 
many  bulldogs.  We  looked  on  without  apprehension, 
for  they  were  fast  getting  past  ability  to  go  for  help 
against  us,  and  the  arena  was  far  enough  from  the 
public  road  to  be  safe  from  intrusion. 

Well,  while  they  were  gradually  playing  out,  it  sud 
denly  occurred  to  me  to  wonder  what  had  become  of 
Marco.  I  looked  around  ;  he  was  nowhere  to  be  seen. 
Oh,  but  this  was  ominous  !  I  pulled  the  king's  sleeve, 
and  we  glided  away  and  rushed  for  the  hut.  No  Marco 
there,  no  Phyllis  there  !  They  had  gone  to  the  road 


328 

for  help,  sure.  I  told  the  king  to  give  his  heels  wings, 
and  I  would  explain  later.  We  made  good  time 
across  the  open  ground,  and  as  we  darted  into  the 
shelter  of  the  wood  I  glanced  back  and  saw  a  mob 
of  excited  peasants  swarm  into  view,  with  Marco  and 
his  wife  at  their  head.  They  were  making  a  world  of 
noise,  but  that  couldn't  hurt  anybody  ;  the  wood  was 
dense,  and  as  soon  as  we  were  well  into  its  depths  we 
would  take  to  a  tree  and  let  them  whistle.  Ah,  but 
then  came  another  sound — dogs  !  Yes,  that  was  quite 
another  matter.  It  magnified  our  contract — we  must 
find  running  water. 

We  tore  along  at  a  good  gait,  and  soon  left  the 
sounds  far  behind  and  modified  to  a  murmur.  We 
struck  a  stream  and  darted  into  it.  We  waded  swiftly 
down  it,  in  the  dim  forest  light,  for  as  much  as  three 
hundred  yards,  and  then  came  across  an  oak  with  a 
great  bough  sticking  out  over  the  water.  We  climbed 
up  on  this  bough,  and  began  to  work  our  way  along 
it  to  the  body  of  the  tree  ;  now  we  began  to  hear 
those  sounds  more  plainly  ;  so  the  mob  had  struck 
our  trail.  For  a  while  the  sounds  approached  pretty 
fast.  And  then  for  another  while  they  didn't.  No 
doubt  the  dogs  had  found  the  place  where  we  had 
entered  the  stream,  and  were  now  waltzing  up  and 
down  the  shores  trying  to  pick  up  the  trail  again. 

When  we  were  snugly  lodged  in  the  tree  and  cur 
tained  with  foliage,  the  king  was  satisfied,  but  I  was 
doubtful.  I  believed  we  could  crawl  along  a  branch 
and  get  into  the  next  tree,  and  I  judged  it  worth  while 
to  try.  We  tried  it,  and  made  a  success  of  it,  though 
the  king  slipped,  at  the  junction,  and  came  near  fail 
ing  to  connect.  We  got  comfortable  lodgement  and 


329 

satisfactory  concealment  among  the  foliage,  and  then 
we  had  nothing  to  do  but  listen  to  the  hunt. 

Presently  we  heard  it  coming — and  coming  on  the 
jump,  too  ;  yes,  and  down  both  sides  of  the  stream. 
Louder — louder — next  minute  it  swelled  swiftly  up 
into  a  roar  of  shoutings,  barkings,  tramplings,  and 
swept  by  like  a  cyclone. 

"  I  was  afraid  that  the  overhanging  branch  would 
suggest  something  to  them,"  said  I,  "  but  1  don't  mind 
the  disappointment.  Come,  my  liege,  it  were  well 
that  we  make  good  use  of  our  time.  We've  flanked 
them.  Dark  is  coming  on,  presently.  If  we  can  cross 
the  stream  and  get  a  good  start,  and  borrow  a  couple 
of  horses  from  somebody's  pasture  to  use  for  a  few 
hours,  we  shall  be  safe  enough." 

We  started  down,  and  got  nearly  to  the  lowest  limb, 
when  we  seemed  to  hear  the  hunt  returning.  We 
stopped  to  listen. 

"  Yes,"  said  I,  "  they're  baffled,  they've  given  it  up, 
they're  on  their  way  home.  We  will  climb  back  to 
our  roost  again,  and  let  them  go  by." 

So  we  climbed  back.  The  king  listened  a  moment 
and  said : 

"  They  still  search — I  wit  the  sign.  We  did  best 
to  abide." 

He  was  right.  He  knew  more  about  hunting  than 
I  did.  The  noise  approached  steadily,  but  not  with 
a  rush.  The  king  said  : 

"  They  reason  that  we  were  advantaged  by  no  par 
lous  start  of  them,  and  being  on  foot  are  as  yet  no 
mighty  way  from  where  we  took  the  water." 

"  Yes,  sire,  that  is  about  it,  I  am  afraid,  though  I 
was  hoping  better  things." 


33Q 

The  noise  drew  nearer  and  nearer,  and  soon  the  van 
was  drifting  under  us,  on  both  sides  of  the  water.  A 
voice  called  a  halt  from  the  other  bank,  and  said  : 

"  An  they  were  so  minded,  they  could  get  to  yon 
tree  by  this  branch  that  overhangs,  and  yet  not  touch 
ground.  Ye  will  do  well  to  send  a  man  up  it." 

"  Marry,  that  will  we  do  !" 

I  was  obliged  to  admire  my  cuteness  in  foreseeing 
this  very  thing  and  swapping  trees  to  beat  it.  But 
don't  you  know,  there  are  some  things  that  can  beat 
smartness  and  foresight  ?  Awkwardness  and  stupid 
ity  can.  The  best  swordsman  in  the  world  doesn't 
need  to  fear  the  second  best  swordsman  in  the  world  ; 
no,  the  person  for  him  to  be  afraid  of  is  some  igno 
rant  antagonist  who  has  never  had  a  sword  in  his 
hand  before  ;  he  doesn't  do  the  thing  he  ought  to  do, 
and  so  the  expert  isn't  prepared  for  him  ;  he  does  the 
thing  he  ought  not  to  do  :  and  often  it  catches  the 
expert  out  and  ends  him  on  the  spot.  Well,  how  could 
I,  with  all  my  gifts,  make  any  valuable  preparation 
against  a  near-sighted,  cross-eyed,  pudding -headed 
clown  who  would  aim  himself  at  the  wrong  tree  and 
hit  the  right  one  ?  And  that  is  what  he  did.  He 
went  for  the  wrong  tree,  which  was  of  course  the  right 
one  by  mistake,  and  up  he  started. 

Matters  were  serious,  now.  We  remained  still,  and 
awaited  developments.  The  peasant  toiled  his  diffi 
cult  way  up.  The  king  raised  himself  up  and  stood  ; 
he  made  a  leg  ready,  and  when  the  comer's  head  ar 
rived  in  reach  of  it  there  was  a  dull  thud,  and  down 
went  the  man  floundering  to  the  ground.  There  was 
a  wild  outbreak  of  anger,  below,  and  the  mob  swarmed 
in  from  all  around,  and  there  we  were  treed,  and  pris- 


331 

oners.  Another  man  started  up ;  the  bridging  bough 
was  detected,  and  a  volunteer  started  up  the  tree  that 
furnished  the  bridge.  The  king  ordered  me  to  play 
Horatius  and  keep  the  bridge.  For  a  while  the  enemy 
came  thick  and  fast ;  but  no  matter,  the  head  man  of 
each  procession  always  got  a  buffet  that  dislodged 
him  as  soon  as  he  came  in  reach.  The  king's  spirits 
rose,  his  joy  was  limitless.  He  said  that  if  nothing 
occurred  to  mar  the  prospect  we  should  have  a  beau 
tiful  night,  for  on  this  line  of  tactics  we  could  hold 
the  tree  against  the  whole  country-side. 

However,  the  mob  soon  came  to  that  conclusion 
themselves  ;  wherefore  they  called  off  the  assault  and 
began  to  debate  other  plans.  They  had  no  weapons, 
but  there  were  plenty  of  stones,  and  stones  might 
answer.  We  had  no  objections.  A  stone  might  pos 
sibly  penetrate  to  us  once  in  a  while,  but  it  wasn't 
very  likely  ;  we  were  well  protected  by  boughs  and 
foliage,  and  were  not  visible  from  any  good  aiming- 
point.  If  they  would  but  waste  half  an  hour  in  stone- 
throwing,  the  dark  would  come  to  our  help.  We 
were  feeling  very  well  satisfied.  We  could  smile ; 
almost  laugh. 

But  we  didn't ;  which  was  just  as  well,  for  we  should 
have  been  interrupted.  Before  the  stones  had  been 
raging  through  the  leaves  and  bouncing  from  the 
boughs  fifteen  minutes,  we  began  to  notice  a  smell. 
A  couple  of  sniffs  of  it  was  enough  of  an  explanation: 
it  was  smoke  !  Our  game  was  up  at  last.  We  recog 
nized  that.  When  smoke  invites  you,  you  have  to 
come.  They  raised  their  pile  of  dry  brush  and  damp 
weeds  higher  and  higher,  and  when  they  saw  the  thick 
cloud  begin  to  roll  up  and  smother  the  tree,  they  broke 


332 

out  in  a  storm  of  joy-clamors.  I  got  enough  breath 
to  say : 

"  Proceed,  my  liege  ;  after  you  is  manners." 

The  king  gasped  : 

"  Follow  me  down,  and  then  back  thyself  against 
one  side  of  the  trunk,  and  leave  me  the  other.  Then 
will  we  fight.  Let  each  pile  his  dead  according  to  his 
own  fashion  and  taste." 

Then  he  descended  barking  and  coughing,  and  I  fol 
lowed.  I  struck  the  ground  an  instant  after  him  ;  we 
sprang  to  our  appointed  places,  and  began  to  give  and 
take  with  all  our  might.  The  pow-wow  and  racket 
were  prodigious;  it  was  a  tempest  of  riot  and  confusion 
and  thick-falling  blows.  Suddenly  some  horsemen  tore 
into  the  midst  of  the  crowd,  and  a  voice  shouted : 

"  Hold — or  ye  are  dead  men  !" 

How  good  it  sounded !  The  owner  of  the  voice 
bore  all  the  marks  of  a  gentleman  :  picturesque  and 
costly  raiment,  the  aspect  of  command,  a  hard  coun 
tenance,  with  complexion  and  features  marred  by  dis 
sipation.  The  mob  fell  humbly  back,  like  so  many 
spaniels.  The  gentleman  inspected  us  critically,  then 
said  sharply  to  the  peasants  : 

"  What  are  ye  doing  to  these  people?" 

"  They  be  madmen,  worshipful  sir,  that  have  come 
wandering  we  know  not  whence,  and — " 

"  Ye  know  not  whence?  Do  ye  pretend  ye  know 
them  not  ?" 

"  Most  honored  sir,  we  speak  but  the  truth.  They 
are  strangers  and  unknown  to  any  in  this  region  ;  and 
they  be  the  most  violent  and  bloodthirsty  madmen 
that  ever — 

"  Peace !     Ye    know    not  what  ye    say.     They  are 


333 

not  mad.  Who  are  ye?  And  whence  are  ye?  Ex 
plain." 

"  We  are  but  peaceful  strangers,  sir,"  I  said,  "  and 
travelling  upon  our  own  concerns.  We  are  from  a  far 
country,  and  unacquainted  here.  We1  have  purposed 
no  harm  ;  and  yet  but  for  your  brave  interference  and 
protection  these  people  would  have  killed  us.  As  you 
have  divined,  sir,  we  are  not  mad  ;  neither  are  we  vio 
lent  or  bloodthirsty." 

The  gentleman  turned  to  his  retinue  and  said  calmly  : 

"  Lash  me  these  animals  to  their  kennels !" 

The  mob  vanished  in  an  instant ;  and  after  them 
plunged  the  horsemen,  laying  about  them  with  their 
whips  and  pitilessly  riding  down  such  as  were  witless 
enough  to  keep  the  road  instead  of  taking  to  the  bush. 
The  shrieks  and  supplications  presently  died  away  in 
the  distance,  and  soon  the  horsemen  began  to  straggle 
back.  Meantime  the  gentleman  had  been  questioning 
us  more  closely,  but  had  dug  no  particulars  out  of  us. 
We  were  lavish  of  recognition  of  the  service  he  was 
doing  us,  but  we  revealed  nothing  more  than  that  we 
were  friendless  strangers  from  a  far  country.  When 
the  escort  were  all  returned,  the  gentleman  said  to  one 
of  his  servants  : 

"  Bring  the  led-horses  and  mount  these  people." 

"  Yes,  my  lord." 

We  were  placed  toward  the  rear,  among  the  ser 
vants.  We  travelled  pretty  fast,  and  finally  drew  rein 
some  time  after  dark  at  a  road-side  inn  some  ten  or 
twelve  miles  from  the  scene  of  our  troubles.  My  lord 
went  immediately  to  his  room,  after  ordering  his  sup 
per,  and  we  saw  no  more  of  him.  At  dawn  in  the 
morning  we  breakfasted  and  made  ready  to  start. 


334 

My  lord's  chief  attendant  sauntered  forward  at  that 
moment  with  indolent  grace,  and  said : 

"Ye  have  said  ye  should  continue  upon  this  road, 
which  is  our  direction  likewise  ;  wherefore  my  lord, 
the  earl  Grip,  hath  given  commandment  that  ye  retain 
the  horses  and  ride,  and  that  certain  of  us  ride  with  ye 
a  twenty  mile  to  a  fair  town  that  hight  Cambenet, 
whenso  ye  shall  be  out  of  peril." 

We  could  do  nothing  less  than  express  our  thanks 
and  accept  the  offer.  We  jogged  along,  six  in  the 
party,  at  a  moderate  and  comfortable  gait,  and  in  con 
versation  learned  that  my  lord  Grip  was  a  very  great 
personage  in  his  own  region,  which  lay  a  day's  journey 
beyond  Cambenet.  We  loitered  to  such  a  degree  that 
it  was  near  the  middle  of  the  forenoon  when  we  en 
tered  the  market  square  of  the  town.  We  dismounted, 
and  left  our  thanks  once  more  for  my  lord,  and  then 
approached  a  crowd  assembled  in  the  centre  of  the 
square,  to  see  what  might  be  the  object  of  interest. 
It  was  the  remnant  of  that  old  peregrinating  band  of 
slaves !  So  they  had  been  dragging  their  chains 
about,  all  this  weary  time.  That  poor  husband  was 
gone,  and  also  many  others ;  and  some  few  purchases 
had  been  added  to  the  gang.  The  king  was  not  in 
terested,  and  wanted  to  move  along,  but  I  was  ab 
sorbed,  and  full  of  pity.  I  could  not  take  my  eyes 
away  from  these  worn  and  wasted  wrecks  of  humani 
ty.  There  they  sat,  grouped  upon  the  ground,  silent, 
uncomplaining,  with  bowed  heads,  a  pathetic  sight. 
And  by  hideous  contrast,  a  redundant  orator  was 
making  a  speech  to  another  gathering  not  thirty  steps 
away,  in  fulsome  laudation  of  "  our  glorious  British 
liberties !" 


335 

I  was  boiling.  I  had  forgotten  I  was  a  plebeian,  I 
was  remembering  I  was  a  man.  Cost  what  it  might, 
I  would  mount  that  rostrum  and — 

Click!  the  king  and  I  were  handcuffed  together! 
Our  companions,  those  servants,  had  done  it ;  my  lord 
Grip  stood  looking  on.  The  king  burst  out  in  a  fury, 
and  said : 

"What  meaneth  this  ill-mannered  jest?" 

My  lord  merely  said  to  his  head  miscreant,  coolly: 

"  Put  up  the  slaves  and  sell  them !" 

Slaves  !  The  word  had  a  new  sound — and  how  un 
speakably  awful !  The  king  lifted  his  manacles  and 
brought  them  down  with  a  deadly  force ;  but  my  lord 
was  out  of  the  way  when  they  arrived.  A  dozen  of 
the  rascal's  servants  sprang  forward,  and  in  a  moment 
we  were  helpless,  with  our  hands  bound  behind  us. 
We  so  loudly  and  so  earnestly  proclaimed  ourselves 
freemen,  that  we  got  the  interested  attention  of  that  lib 
erty-mouthing  orator  and  his  patriotic  crowd,  and  they 
gathered  about  us  and  assumed  a  very  determined  at 
titude.  The  orator  said  : 

"If  indeed  ye  are  freemen,  ye  have  nought  to  fear 
—the  God-given  liberties  of  Britain  are  about  ye  for 
your  shield  and  shelter !  (Applause.)  Ye  shall  soon 
see.  Bring  forth  your  proofs." 

"What  proofs?" 

"  Proof  that  ye  are  freemen." 

Ah  —  I  remembered  !  I  came  to  myself ;  I  said 
nothing.  But  the  king  stormed  out: 

"  Thou'rt  insane,  man.  It  were  better,  and  more  in 
reason,  that  this  thief  and  scoundrel  here  prove  that 
we  are  not  freemen." 

You  see,  he  knew  his  own  laws  just  as  other  people 


336 

so  often  know  the  laws:  by  words,  not  by  effects 
They  take  a  meaning,  and  get  to  be  very  vivid,  when 
you  come  to  apply  them  to  yourself. 

All  hands  shook  their  heads  and  looked  disappoint 
ed  ;  some  turned  away,  no  longer  interested.  The 
orator  said — and  this  time  in  the  tones  of  business, 
not  of  sentiment : 

"  An  ye  do  not  know  your  country's  laws,  it  were 
time  ye  learned  them.  Ye  are  strangers  to  us  ;  ye 
will  not  deny  that.  Ye  may  be  freemen,  we  do  not 
deny  that ;  but  also  ye  may  be  slaves.  The  law  is 
clear :  it  doth  not  require  the  claimant  to  prove  ye 
are  slaves,  it  requireth  you  to  prove  ye  are  not." 

I  said  : 

"  Dear  sir,  give  us  only  time  to  send  to  Astolat ;  or 
give  us  only  time  to  send  to  the  Valley  of  Holi 
ness — 

"  Peace,  good  man,  these  are  extraordinary  requests, 
and  you  may  not  hope  to  have  them  granted.  It 
would  cost  much  time,  and  would  unwarrantably  in 
convenience  your  master — " 

" Master y  idiot !'' stormed  the  king.  "  I  have  no  mas 
ter,  I  myself  am  the  m— 

"  Silence,  for  God's  sake  !" 

I  got  the  words  out  in  time  to  stop  the  king.  We 
were  in  trouble  enough  already  ;  it  could  not  help  us 
any  to  give  these  people  the  notion  that  we  were  lu 
natics. 

There  is  no  use  in  stringing  out  the  details.  The 
earl  put  us  up  and  sold  us  at  auction.  This  same  infer 
nal  law  had  existed  in  our  own  South  in  my  own  time, 
more  than  thirteen  hundred  years  later,  and  under  it 
hundreds  of  freemen  who  could  not  prove  that  they 


337 

were  freemen  had  been  sold  into  life-long  slavery  with 
out  the  circumstance  making  any  particular  impression 
upon  me  ;  but  the  minute  law  and  the  auction  block 
came  into  my  personal  experience,  a  thing  which  had 
been  merely  improper  before  became  suddenly  hellish. 
Well,  that's  the  way  we  are  made. 

Yes,  we  were  sold  at  auction,  like  swine.  In  a  big 
town  and  an  active  market  we  should  have  brought  a 
good  price ;  but  this  place  was  utterly  stagnant  and 
so  we  sold  at  a  figure  which  makes  me  ashamed,  every 
time  I  think  of  it.  The  King  of  England  brought 
seven  dollars,  and  his  prime  minister  nine ;  whereas 
the  king  was  easily  worth  twelve  dollars  and  I  as  easi 
ly  worth  fifteen.  But  that  is  the  way  things  always 
go ;  if  you  force  a  sale  on  a  dull  market,  I  don't  care 
what  the  property  is,  you  are  going  to  make  a  poor 
business  of  it,  and  you  can  make  up  your  mind  to  it. 
If  the  earl  had  had  wit  enough  to — 

However,  there  is  no  occasion  for  my  working  my 
sympathies  up  on  his  account.  Let  him  go,  for  the 
present :  I  took  his  number,  so  to  speak. 

The  slave  dealer  bought  us  both,  and  hitched  us 
onto  that  long  chain  of  his,  and  we  constituted  the 
rear  of  his  procession.  We  took  up  our  line  of  march 
and  passed  out  of  Cambenet  at  noon ;  and  it  seemed 
to  me  unaccountably  strange  and  odd  that  the  King 
of  England  and  his  chief  minister,  marching  manacled 
and  fettered  and  yoked,  in  a  slave  convoy,  could  move 
by  all  manner  of  idle  men  and  women,  and  under  win 
dows  where  sat  the  sweet  and  the  lovely,  and  yet 
never  attract  a  curious  eye,  never  provoke  a  single  re 
mark.  Dear,  dear,  it  only  shows  that  there  is  nothing 
diviner  about  a  king  than  there  is  about  a  tramp,  after 


33* 

all.  He  is  just  a  cheap  and  hollow  artificiality  when 
you  don't  know  he  is  a  king.  But  reveal  his  qual 
ity,  and  dear  me  it  takes  your  very  breath  away  to 
look  at  him.  I  reckon  we  are  all  fools.  Born  so,  no 
doubt. 


CHAPTER   XXXV 
A     PITIFUL     INCIDENT 

IT'S  a  world  of  surprises.  The  king  brooded  ;  this 
was  natural.  What  would  he  brood  about,  should 
you  say?  Why,  about  the  prodigious  nature  of  his 
fall,  of  course — from  the  loftiest  place  in  the  world  to 
the  lowest ;  from  the  most  illustrious  station  in  the 
world  to  the  obscurest ;  from  the  grandest  vocation 
among  men  to  the  basest.  No,  I  take  my  oath  that 
the  thing  that  gravelled  him  most,  to  start  with,  was 
not  this,  but  the  price  he  had  fetched  !  He  couldn't 
seem  to  get  over  that  seven  dollars.  Well,  it  stunned 
me  so,  when  I  first  found  it  out,  that  I  couldn't  be 
lieve  it ;  it  didn't  seem  natural.  But  as  soon  as  my 
mental  sight  cleared  and  I  got  a  right  focus  on  it,  I 
saw  I  was  mistaken  :  it  was  natural.  For  this  reason  : 
a  king  is  a  mere  artificiality,  and  so  a  king's  feelings, 
like  the  impulses  of  an  automatic  doll,  are  mere  arti 
ficialities  ;  but  as  a  man,  he  is  a  reality,  and  his  feel 
ings,  as  a  man,  are  real,  not  phantoms.  It  shames  the 
average  man  to  be  valued  below  his  own  estimate  of 
his  worth  ;  and  the  king  certainly  wasn't  anything 
more  than  an  average  man,  if  he  was  up  that  high. 

Confound  him,  he  wearied  me  with  arguments  to 
show  that  in  anything  like  a  fair  market  he  would 
have  fetched  twenty-five  dollars,  sure — a  thing  which 


34° 

was  plainly  nonsense,  and  full  of  the  baldest  conceit ; 
I  wasn't  worth  it  myself.  But  it  was  tender  ground 
for  me  to  argue  on.  In  fact  I  had  to  simply  shirk 
argument  and  do  the  diplomatic  instead.  I  had  to 
throw  conscience  aside,  and  brazenly  concede  that  he 
ought  to  have  brought  twenty-five  dollars  ;  whereas  I 
was  quite  well  aware  that  in  all  the  ages,  the  world  had 
never  seen  a  king  that  was  worth  half  the  money,  and 
during  the  next  thirteen  centuries  wouldn't  see  one 
that  was  worth  the  fourth  of  it.  Yes,  he  tired  me. 
If  he  began  to  talk  about  the  crops ;  or  about  the  re 
cent  weather;  or  about  the  condition  of  politics,  or 
about  dogs,  or  cats,  or  morals,  or  theology — no  mat 
ter  what — I  sighed,  for  I  knew  what  was  coming :  he 
was  going  to  get  out  of  it  a  palliation  of  that  tire 
some  seven-dollar  sale.  Wherever  we  halted,  where 
there  was  a  crowd,  he  would  give  me  a  look  which 
said,  plainly  :  "  if  that  thing  could  be  tried  over  again, 
now,  with  this  kind  of  folk,  you  would  see  a  differ 
ent  result."  Well,  when  he  was  first  sold,  it  secretly 
tickled  me  to  see  him  go  for  seven  dollars ;  but  be 
fore  he  was  done  with  his  sweating  and  worrying  I 
wished  he  had  fetched  a  hundred.  The  thing  never 
got  a  chance  to  die,  for  every  day,  at  one  place  or 
another,  possible  purchasers  looked  us  over,  and  as 
often  as  any  other  way,  their  comment  on  the  king 
was  something  like  this  : 

"  Here's  a  two-dollar-and-a-half  chump  with  a  thirty- 
dollar  style.  Pity  but  style  was  marketable." 

At  last  this  sort  of  remark  produced  an  evil  result. 
Our  owner  was  a  practical  person  and  he  perceived 
that  this  defect  must  be  mended  if  he  hoped  to  find  a 
purchaser  for  the  king.  So  he  went  to  work  to  take 


341 

the  style  out  of  his  sacred  majesty.  I  could  have 
given  the  man  some  valuable  advice,  but  I  didn't ; 
you  mustn't  volunteer  advice  to  a  slave-driver  unless 
you  want  to  damage  the  cause  you  are  arguing  for.  I 
had  found  it  a  sufficiently  difficult  job  to  reduce  the 
king's  style  to  a  peasant's  style,  even  when  he  was  a 
willing  and  anxious  puDil;  now  then,  to  undertake  to 
reduce  the  king's  style  to  a  slave's  style — and  by  force 
—go  to !  it  was  a  stately  contract.  Never  mind  the 
details  —  it  will  save  me  trouble  to  let  you  imagine 
them.  I  will  only  remark  that  at  the  end  of  a  week 
there  was  plenty  of  evidence  that  lash  and  club  and 
fist  had  done  their  work  well ;  the  king's  body  was  a 
sight  to  see — and  to  weep  over;  but  his  spirit  ? — why, 
it  wasn't  even  phased.  Even  that  dull  clod  of  a  slave- 
driver  was  able  to  see  that  there  can  be  such  a  thing  as 
a  slave  who  will  remain  a  man  till  he  dies  ;  whose 
bones  you  can  break,  but  whose  manhood  you  can't. 
This  man  found  that  from  his  first  effort  down  to  his 
latest,  he  couldn't  ever  come  within  reach  of  the  king 
biit  the  king  was  ready  to  plunge  for  him,  and  did  it. 
So  he  gave  up,  at  last,  and  left  the  king  in  possession 
of  his  style  unimpaired.  The  fact  is,  the  king  was  a 
good  deal  more  than  a  king,  he  was  a  man ;  and  when 
a  man  is  a  man,  you  can't  knock  it  out  of  him. 

We  had  a  rough  time  for  a  month,  tramping  to  and 
fro  in  the  earth,  and  suffering.  And  what  English 
man  was  the  most  interested  in  the  slavery  question 
by  that  time?  His  grace  the  king  !  Yes  ;  from  being 
the  most  indifferent,  he  was  become  the  most  interest 
ed.  He  was  become  the  bitterest  hater  of  the  insti 
tution  I  had  ever  heard  talk.  And  so  I  ventured  to 
ask  once  more  a  question  which  I  had  asked  years  be- 


342 

fore  and  had  gotten  such  a  sharp  answer  that  I  had 
not  thought  it  prudent  to  meddle  in  the  matter  fur 
ther.  Would  he  abolish  slavery? 

His  answer  was  as  sharp  as  before,  but  it  was  music 
this  time ;  I  shouldn't  ever  wish  to  hear  pleasanter, 
though  the  profanity  was  not  good,  being  awkwardly 
put  together,  and  with  the  crash-word  almost  in  the 
middle  instead  of  at  the  end,  where  of  course  it  ought 
to  have  been. 

I  was  ready  and  willing  to  get  free,  now ;  I  hadn't 
wanted  to  get  free  any  sooner.  No,  I  cannot  quite 
say  that.  I  had  wanted  to,  but  I  had  not  been  willing 
to  take  desperate  chances,  and  had  always  dissuaded 
the  king  from  them.  But  now — ah,  it  was  a  new  at 
mosphere  !  Liberty  would  be  worth  any  cost  that 
might  be  put  upon  it  now.  I  set  about  a  plan,  and 
was  straightway  charmed  with  it.  It  would  require 
time,  yes,  and  patience,  too,  a  great  deal  of  both.  One 
could  invent  quicker  ways,  and  fully  as  sure  ones;  but 
none  that  would  be  as  picturesque  as  this  ;  none  that 
could  be  made  so  dramatic.  And  so  I  was  not  going 
to  give  this  one  up.  It  might  delay  us  months,  but  no 
matter,  I  would  carry  it  out  or  break  something. 

Now  and  then  we  had  an  adventure.  One  night 
we  were  overtaken  by  a  snow-storm  while  still  a  mile 
from  the  village  we  were  making  for.  Almost  instantly 
we  were  shut  up  as  in  a  fog,  the  driving  snow  was  so 
thick.  You  couldn't  see  a  thing,  and  we  were  soon 
lost.  The  slave-driver  lashed  us  desperately,  for  he 
saw  ruin  before  him,  but  his  lashings  only  made  mat 
ters  worse,  for  they  drove  us  further  from  the  road 
and  from  likelihood  of  succor.  So  we  had  to  stop, 
at  last,  and  slump  down  in  the  snow  where  we  were. 


343 

The  storm  continued  until  toward  midnight,  then 
ceased.  By  this  time  two  of  our  feebler  men  and 
three  of  our  women  were  dead,  and  others  past  mov 
ing  and  threatened  with  death.  Our  master  was  near 
ly  beside  himself.  He  stirred  up  the  living,  and  made 
us  stand,  jump,  slap  ourselves,  to  restore  our  circula 
tion,  and  he  helped  as  well  as  he  could  with  his  whip. 

Now  came  a  diversion.  We  heard  shrieks  and  yells, 
and  soon  a  woman  came  running,  and  crying;  and  seeing 
our  group,  she  flung  herself  into  our  midst  and  begged 
for  protection.  A  mob  of  people  came  tearing  after 
her,  some  with  torches,  and  they  said  she  was  a  witch 
who  had  caused  several  cows  to  die  by  a  strange  dis 
ease,  and  practised  her  arts  by  help  of  a  devil  in  the 
form  of  a  black  cat.  This  poor  woman  had  been 
stoned  until  she  hardly  looked  human,  she  was  so  bat 
tered  and  bloody.  The  mob  wanted  to  burn  her. 

Well,  now,  what  do  you  suppose  our  master  did  ? 
When  we  closed  around  this  poor  creature  to  shelter 
her,  he  saw  his  chance.  He  said,  burn  her  here,  or 
they  shouldn't  have  her  at  all.  Imagine  that!  They 
were  willing.  They  fastened  her  to  a  post ;  they 
brought  wood  and  piled  it  about  her  ;  they  applied  the 
torch  while  she  shrieked  and  pleaded  and  strained  her 
two  young  daughters  to  her  breast;  and  our  brute, 
with  a  heart  solely  for  business,  lashed  us  into  position 
about  the  stake  and  warmed  us  into  life  and  commer 
cial  value  by  the  same  fire  which  took  away  the  inno 
cent  life  of  that  poor  harmless  mother.  That  was  the 
sort  of  master  we  had.  I  took  his  number.  That  snow 
storm  cost  him  nine  of  his  flock;  and  he  was  more 
brutal  to  us  than  ever,  after  that,  for  many  days  to 
gether,  he  was  so  enraged  over  his  loss. 


344 

We  had  adventures,  all  along.  One  day  we  ran  into 
a  procession.  And  such  a  procession !  All  the  riffraff 
of  the  kingdom  seemed  to  be  comprehended  in  it ;  and 
all  drunk  at  that.  In  the  van  was  a  cart  with  a  coffin 
in  it,  and  on  the  coffin  sat  a  comely  young  girl  of 
about  eighteen  suckling  a  baby,  which  she  squeezed  to 
her  breast  in  a  passion  of  love  every  little  while,  and 
every  little  while  wiped  from  its  face  the  tears  which 
her  eyes  rained  down  upon  it ;  and  always  the  fool 
ish  little  thing  smiled  up  at  her,  happy  and  content, 
kneading  her  breast  with  its  dimpled  fat  hand,  which 
she  patted  and  fondled  right  over  her  breaking  heart. 

Men  and  women,  boys  and  girls,  trotted  along  be 
side  or  after  the  cart,  hooting,  shouting  profane  and 
ribald  remarks,  singing  snatches  of  foul  song,  skipping, 
dancing — a  very  holiday  of  hellions,  a  sickening  sight. 
We  had  struck  a  suburb  of  London,  outside  the  walls, 
and  this  was  a  sample  of  one  sort  of  London  society. 
Our  master  secured  a  good  place  for  us  near  the  gal 
lows.  A  priest  was  in  attendance,  and  he  helped  the 
girl  climb  up,  and  said  comforting  words  to  her,  and 
made  the  under-sheriff  provide  a  stool  for  her.  Then 
he  stood  there  by  her  on  the  gallows,  and  for  a  moment 
looked  down  upon  the  mass  of  upturned  faces  at  his 
feet,  then  out  over  the  solid  pavement  of  heads  that 
stretched  away  on  every  side  occupying  the  vacancies 
far  and  near,  and  then  began  to  tell  the  story  of  the 
case.  And  there  was  pity  in  his  voice — how  seldom  a 
sound  that  was  in  that  ignorant  and  savage  land !  I  re 
member  every  detail  of  what  he  said,  except  the  words 
he  said  it  in  ;  and  so  I  change  it  into  my  own  words : 

"  Law  is  intended  to  mete  out  justice.  Sometimes 
it  fails.  This  cannot  be  helped.  We  can  only  grieve, 


345 

and  be  resigned,  and  pray  for  the  soul  of  him  who 
falls  unfairly  by  the  arm  of  the  law,  and  that  his  fel 
lows  may  be  few.  A  law  sends  this  poor  young  thing 
to  death — and  it  is  right.  But  another  law  had  placed 
her  where  she  must  commit  her  crime  or  starve,  with 
her  child — and  before  God  that  law  is  responsible  for 
both  her  crime  and  her  ignominious  death  ! 

"A  little  while  ago  this  young  thing,  this  child  of 
eighteen  years,  was  as  happy  a  wife  and  mother  as 
any  in  England  ;  and  her  lips  were  blithe  with  song, 
which  is  the  native  speech  of  glad  and  innocent  hearts. 
Her  young  husband  was  as  happy  as  she ;  for  he  was 
doing  his  whole  duty,  he  worked  early  and  late  at  his 
handicraft,  his  bread  was  honest  bread  well  and  fairly 
earned,  he  was  prospering,  he  was  furnishing  shelter 
and  sustenance  to  his  family,  he  was  adding  his  mite 
to  the  wealth  of  the  nation.  By  consent  of  a  treach 
erous  law,  instant  destruction  fell  upon  this  holy  home 
and  swept  it  away !  That  young  husband  was  way 
laid  and  impressed,  and  sent  to  sea.  The  wife  knew 
nothing  of  it.  She  sought  him  everywhere,  she  moved 
the  hardest  hearts  with  the  supplications  of  her  tears, 
the  broken  eloquence  of  her  despair.  Weeks  dragged 
by,  she  watching,  waiting,  hoping,  her-mind  going 
slowly  to  wreck  under  the  burden  of  her  misery.  Lit 
tle  by  little  all  her  small  possessions  went  for  food. 
When  she  could  no  longer  pay  her  rent,  they  turned 
her  out  of  doors.  She  begged,  while  she  had  strength  ; 
when  she  was  starving,  at  last,  and  her  milk  failing, 
she  stole  a  piece  of  linen  cloth  of  the  value  of  a  fourth 
part  of  a  cent,  thinking  to  sell  it  and  save  her  child. 
But  she  was  seen  by  the  owner  of  the  cloth.  She  was 
put  in  jail  and  brought  to  trial.  The  man  testified  to 


346 

the  facts.  A  plea  was  made  for  her,  and  her  sorrow 
ful  story  was  told  in  her  behalf.  She  spoke,  too,  by 
permission,  and  said  she  did  steal  the  cloth,  but  that 
her  mind  was  so  disordered  of  late,  by  trouble,  that 
when  she  was  overborne  with  hunger  all  acts,  criminal 
or  other,  swam  meaningless  through  her  brain  and  she 
knew  nothing  rightly,  except  that  she  was  so  hungry  ! 
For  a  moment  all  were  touched,  and  there  was  disposi 
tion  to  deal  mercifully  with  her,  seeing  that  she  was 
so  young  and  friendless,  and  her  case  so  piteous,  and 
the  law  that  robbed  her  of  her  support  to  blame  as 
being  the  first  and  only  cause  of  her  transgression  ; 
but  the  prosecuting  officer  replied  that  whereas  these 
things  were  all  true,  and  most  pitiful  as  well,  still  there 
was  much  small  theft  in  these  days,  and  mistimed 
mercy  here  would  be  a  danger  to  property — Oh,  my 
God,  is  there  no  property  in  ruined  homes,  and  or 
phaned  babes,  and  broken  hearts  that  British  law  holds 
precious ! — and  so  he  must  require  sentence. 

"  When  the  judge  put  on  his  black  cap,  the  owner 
of  the  stolen  linen  rose  trembling  up,  his  lip  quivering, 
his  face  as  gray  as  ashes;  and  when  the  awful  words 
came,  he  cried  out,  '  Oh,  poor  child,  poor  child,  I  did 
not  know  it  was  death  !'  and  fell  as  a  tree  falls.  When 
they  lifted  him  up  his  reason  was  gone;  before  the 
sun  was  set,  he  had  taken  his  own  life.  A  kindly 
man  ;  a  man  whose  heart  was  right,  at  bottom  ;  add 
his  murder  to  this  that  is  to  be  now  done  here  ;  and 
charge  them  both  where  they  belong — to  the  rulers 
and  the  bitter  laws  of  Britain.  The  time  is  come,  my 
child  ;  let  me  pray  over  thee  —  not  for  thee,  dear 
abused  poor  heart  and  innocent,  but  for  them  that  be 
guilty  of  thy  ruin  and  death,  who  need  it  more." 


347 

After  his  prayer  they  put  the  noose  around  the 
young  girl's  neck,  and  they  had  great  trouble  to  ad 
just  the  knot  under  her  ear,  because  she  was  devour 
ing  the  baby  all  the  time,  wildly  kissing  it,  and 
snatching  it  to  her  face  and  her  breast,  and  drenching 
it  with  tears,  and  half  moaning  half  shrieking  all  the 
while,  and  the  baby  crowing,  and  laughing,  and  kick 
ing  its  feet  with  delight  over  what  it  took  for  romp 
and  play.  Even  the  hangman  couldn't  stand  it,  but 
turned  away.  When  all  was  ready  the  priest  gently 
pulled  and  tugged  and  forced  the  child  out  of  the 
mother's  arms,  and  stepped  quickly  out  of  her  reach  ; 
but  she  clasped  her  hands,  and  made  a  wild  spring 
toward  him,  with  a  shriek  ;  but  the  rope — and  the 
under-sheriff — held  her  short.  Then  she  went  on  her 
knees  and  stretched  out  her  hands  and  cried  : 

"  One  more  kiss  —  Oh,  my  God,  one  more,  one 
more, — it  is  the  dying  that  begs  it  !" 

She  got  it ;  she  almost  smothered  the  little  thing. 
And  when  they  got  it  away  again,  she  cried  out : 

"  Oh,  my  child,  my  darling,  it  will  die!  It  has  no 
home,  it  has  no  father,  no  friend,  no  mother — 

"It  has  them  all!"  said  that  good  priest.  "  All 
these  will  I  be  to  it  till  I  die." 

You  should  have  seen  her  face  then!  Gratitude? 
Lord,  what  do  you  want  with  words  to  express  that  ? 
Words  are  only  painted  fire  ;  a  look  is  the  fire  itself. 
She  gave  that  look,  and  carried  it  away  to  the  treas 
ury  of  heaven,  where  all  things  that  are  divine  belong. 


CHAPTER    XXXVI 
AN    ENCOUNTER    IN    THE    DARK 

LONDON — to  a  slave — was  a  sufficiently  interesting 
place.  It  was  merely  a  great  big  village  ;  and  mainly 
mud  and  thatch.  The  streets  were  muddy,  crooked, 
unpaved.  The  populace  was  an  ever  flocking  and 
drifting  swarm  of  rags,  and  splendors,  of  nodding 
plumes  and  shining  armor.  The  king  had  a  palace 
there ;  he  saw  the  outside  of  it.  It  made  him  sigh  ; 
yes,  and  swear  a  little,  in  a  poor  juvenile  sixth  century 
way.  We  saw  knights  and  grandees  whom  we  knew, 
but  they  didn't  know  us  in  our  rags  and  dirt  and  raw 
welts  and  bruises,  and  wouldn't  have  recognized  us  if 
we  had  hailed  them,  nor  stopped  to  answer,  either,  it 
being  unlawful  to  speak  with  slaves  on  a  chain. 
Sandy  passed  within  ten  yards  of  me  on  a  mule- 
hunting  for  me,  I  imagined.  But  the  thing  which 
clean  broke  my  heart  was  something  which  happened 
in  front  of  our  old  barrack  in  a  square,  while  we  were 
enduring  the  spectacle  of  a  man  being  boiled  to  death 
in  oil  for  counterfeiting  pennies.  It  was  the  sight  of 
a  newsboy — and  I  couldn't  get  at  him  !  Still,  I  had 
one  comfort ;  here  was  proof  that  Clarence  was  still 
alive  and  banging  away.  I  meant  to  be  with  him  be 
fore  long  ;  the  thought  was  full  of  cheer. 

I  had  one  little  glimpse  of  another  thing,  one  day, 


349 

which  gave  me  a  great  uplift.  It  was  a  wire  stretch 
ing  from  housetop  to  housetop.  Telegraph  or  tele 
phone,  sure.  I  did  very  much  wish  I  had  a  little 
piece  of  it.  It  was  just  what  I  needed,  in  order  to 
carry  out  my  project  of  escape.  My  idea  was,  to  get 
loose  some  night,  along  with  the  king,  then  gag  and 
bind  our  master,  change  clothes  with  him,  batter  him 
into  the  aspect  of  a  stranger,  hitch  him  to  the  slave- 
chain,  assume  possession  of  the  property,  march  to 
Camelot,  and — 

But  you  get  my  idea ;  you  see  what  a  stunning  dra 
matic  surprise  I  would  wind  up  with  at  the  palace. 
It  was  all  feasible,  if  I  could  only  get  hold  of  a  slender 
piece  of  iron  which  I  could  shape  into  a  lock-pick.  I 
could  then  undo  the  lumbering  padlocks  with  which 
our  chains  were  fastened,  whenever  I  might  choose. 
But  I  never  had  any  luck  ;  no  such  thing  ever  hap 
pened  to  fall  in  my  way.  However,  my  chance  came 
at  last.  A  gentleman  who  had  come  twice  before  to 
dicker  for  me,  without  result,  or  indeed  any  approach 
to  a  result,  came  again.  I  was  far  from  expecting 
ever  to  belong  to  him,  for  the  price  asked  for  me  from 
the  time  I  was  first  enslaved  was  exorbitant,  and  al 
ways  provoked  either  anger  or  derision,  yet  my  mas 
ter  stuck  stubbornly  to  it — twenty-two  dollars.  He 
wouldn't  bate  a  cent.  The  king  was  greatly  admired, 
because  of  his  grand  physique,  but  his  kingly  style 
was  against  him,  and  he  wasn't  salable  ;  nobody 
wanted  that  kind  of  a  slave.  I  considered  myself  safe 
from  parting  from  him  because  of  my  extravagant 
price.  No,  I  was  not  expecting  to  ever  belong  to  this 
gentleman  whom  I  have  spoken  of,  but  he  had  some 
thing  which  I  expected  would  belong  to  me  eventu- 


35Q 

ally,  if  he  would  but  visit  us  often  enough.  It  was  a 
steel  thing  with  a  long  pin  to  it,  with  which  his  long 
cloth  outside  garment  was  fastened  together  in  front. 
There  were  three  of  them.  He  had  disappointed  me 
twice,  because  he  did  not  come  quite  close  enough  to 
me  to  make  my  project  entirely  safe  ;  but  this  time  I 
succeeded  ;  I  captured  the  lower  clasp  of  the  three, 
and  when  he  missed  it  he  thought  he  had  lost  it  on 
the  way. 

I  had  a  chance  to  be  glad  about  a  minute,  then 
straightway  a  chance  to  be  sad  again.  For  when  the 
purchase  was  about  to  fail,  as  usual,  the  master  sud 
denly  spoke  up  and  said  what  would  be  worded  thus 
— in  modern  English  : 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do.  I'm  tired  supporting 
these  two  for  no  good.  Give  me  twenty -two  dollars 
for  this  one,  and  I'll  throw  the  other  one  in." 

The  king  couldn't  get  his  breath,  he  was  in  such  a 
fury.  He  began  to  choke  and  gag,  and  meantime  the 
master  and  the  gentleman  moved  away,  discussing. 

"  An  ye  will  keep  the  offer  open— 

"  'Tis  open  till  the  morrow  at  this  hour." 

"  Then  will  I  answer  you  at  that  time,"  said  the  gen 
tleman,  and  disappeared,  the  master  following  him. 

I  had  a  time  of  it  to  cool  the  king  down,  but  I  man 
aged  it.  I  whispered  in  his  ear,  to  this  effect  : 

"  Your  grace  ivill  go  for  nothing,  but  after  another 
fashion.  And  so  shall  I.  To-night  we  shall  both  be 
free." 

"Ah  !     How  is  that?" 

"  With  this  thing  which  I  have  stolen,  I  will  unlock 
these  locks  and  cast  off  these  chains  to-night.  When 
he  comes  about  nine  thirty  to  inspect  us  for  the  night, 


351 

we  will  seize  him,  gag  him,  batter  him,  and  early  in  the 
morning  we  will  march  out  of  this  town,  proprietors  of 
this  caravan  of  slaves." 

That  was  as  far  as  I  went,  but  the  king  was  charmed 
and  satisfied.  That  evening  we  waited  patiently  for 
our  fellow-slaves  to  get  to  sleep  and  signify  it  by  the 
usual  sign,  for  you  must  not  take  many  chances  on  those 
poor  fellows  if  you  can  avoid  it.  It  is  best  to  keep 
your  own  secrets.  No  doubt  they  fidgeted  only  about 
as  usual,  but  it  didn't  seem  so  to  me.  It  seemed  to 
me  that  they  were  going  to  be  forever  getting  down 
to  their  regular  snoring.  As  the  time  dragged  on  I  got 
nervously  afraid  we  shouldn't  have  enough  of  it  left 
for  our  needs  ;  so  I  made  several  premature  attempts, 
and  merely  delayed  things  by  it ;  for  I  couldn't  seem  to 
touch  a  padlock,  there  in  the  dark,  without  starting  a 
rattle  out  of  it  which  interrupted  somebody's  sleep  and 
made  him  turn  over  and  wake  some  more  of  the  gang. 

But  finally  I  did  get  my  last  iron  off,  and  was  a  free 
man  once  more.  I  took  a  good  breath  of  relief,  and 
reached  for  the  king's  irons.  Too  late  !  in  comes  the 
master,  with  a  light  in  one  hand  and  his  heavy  walk 
ing-staff  in  the  other.  I  snuggled  close  among  the 
wallow  of  snorers,  to  conceal  as  nearly  as  possible  that 
I  was  naked  of  irons  ;  and  I  kept  a  sharp  lookout  and 
prepared  to  spring  for  my  man  the  moment  he  should 
bend  over  me. 

But  he  didn't  approach.  He  stopped,  gazed  absently 
toward  our  dusky  mass  a  minute,  evidently  thinking 
about  something  else  ;  then  set  down  his  light,  moved 
musingly  toward  the  door,  and  before  a  body  could 
imagine  what  he  was  going  to  do,  he  was  out  of  the 
door  and  had  closed  it  behind  him. 


352 

"  Quick  !"  said  the  king.  "  Fetch  him  back !" 
Of  course  it  was  the  thing  to  do,  and  I  was  up  and 
out  in  a  moment.  But  dear  me,  there  were  no  lamps 
in  those  days,  and  it  was  a  dark  night.  But  I  glimpsed 
a  dim  figure  a  few  steps  away.  I  darted  for  it,  threw 
myself  upon  it,  and  then  there  was  a  state  of  things 
and  lively !  We  fought  and  scuffled  and  struggled, 
and  drew  a  crowd  in  no  time.  They  took  an  immense 
interest  in  the  fight  and  encourged  us  all  they  could, 
and  in  fact  couldn't  have  been  pleasanter  or  more  cord 
ial  if  it  had  been  their  own  fight.  Then  a  tremen 
dous  row  broke  out  behind  us,  and  as  much  as  half  of 
our  audience  left  us,  with  a  rush,  to  invest  some  sym 
pathy  in  that.  Lanterns  began  to  swing  in  all  direc 
tions  ;  it  was  the  watch,  gathering  from  far  and  near. 
Presently  a  halberd  fell  across  my  back,  as  a  reminder, 
and  I  knew  what  it  meant.  I  was  in  custody.  So  was 
my  adversary.  We  were  marched  off  toward  prison,  one 
on  each  side  of  the  watchman.  Here  was  disaster,  here 
was  a  fine  scheme  gone  to  sudden  destruction  !  I  tried 
to  imagine  what  would  happen  when  the  master  should 
discover  that  it  was  I  who  had  been  fighting  him;  and 
what  would  happen  if  they  jailed  us  together  in  the 
general  apartment  for  brawlers  and  petty  law-breakers, 
as  was  the  custom  ;  and  what  might- 
Just  then  my  antagonist  turned  his  face  around  in 
my  direction,  the  freckled  light  from  the  watchman's 
tin  lantern  fell  on  it,  and  by  George  he  was  the  wrong 
man  I  » 


CHAPTER    XXXVII 

AN    AWFUL    PREDICAMENT 

SLEEP?  It  was  impossible.  It  would  naturally 
have  been  impossible  in  that  noisome  cavern  of  a  jail, 
with  its  mangy  crowd  of  drunken,  quarrelsome  and 
song-singing  rapscallions.  But  the  thing  that  made 
sleep  all  the  more  a  thing  not  to  be  dreamed  of,  was 
my  racking  impatience  to  get  out  of  this  place  and 
find  out  the  whole  size  of  what  might  have  happened 
yonder  in  the  slave-quarters  in  consequence  of  that 
intolerable  miscarriage  of  mine. 

It  was  a  long  night,  but  the  morning  got  around  at 
last.  I  made  a  full  and  frank  explanation  to  the 
court.  I  said  I  was  a  slave,  the  property  of  the  great 
Earl  Grip,  who  had  arrived  just  after  dark  at  the 
Tabard  inn  in  the  village  on  the  other  side  of  the 
water,  and  had  stopped  there  over  night,  by  compul 
sion,  he  being  taken  deadly  sick  with  a  strange  and 
sudden  disorder.  I  had  been  ordered  to  cross  to  the 
city  in  all  haste  and  bring  the  best  physician  ;  I  was 
doing  my  best ;  naturally  I  was  running  with  all  my 
might ;  the  night  was  dark,  I  ran  against  this  com 
mon  person  here,  who  seized  me  by  the  throat  and 
began  to  pummel  me,  although  I  told  him  my  errand, 
and  implored  him,  for  the  sake  of  the  great  earl  my 
master's  mortal  peril — 


354 

The  common  person  interrupted  and  said  it  was  a 
lie ;  and  was  going  to  explain  how  I  rushed  upon  him 
and  attacked  him  without  a  word — 

"Silence,  sirrah!"  from  the  court.  "  Take  him 
hence  and  give  him  a  few  stripes  whereby  to  teach 
him  how  to  treat  the  servant  of  a  nobleman  after  a 
different  fashion  another  time.  Go!" 

Then  the  court  begged  my  pardon,  and  hoped  I 
would  not  fail  to  tell  his  lordship  it  was  in  no  wise 
the  court's  fault  that  this  high-handed  thing  had 
happened.  I  said  I  would  make  it  all  right,  and  so 
took  my  leave.  Took  it  just  in  time,  too;  he  was 
starting  to  ask  me  why  I  didn't  fetch  out  these  facts 
the  moment  I  was  arrested.  I  said  I  would  if  I  had 
thought  of  it  —  which  was  true  —  but  that  I  was  so 
battered  by  that  man  that  all  my  wit  was  knocked 
out  of  me — and  so  forth  and  so  on,  and  got  myself 
away,  still  mumbling. 

I  didn't  wait  for  breakfast.  No  grass  grew  under 
my  feet.  I  was  soon  at  the  slave  quarters.  Empty — 
everybody  gone !  That  is,  everybody  except  one 
body — the  slave-master's.  It  lay  there  all  battered  to 
pulp ;  and  all  about  were  the  evidences  of  a  terrific 
fight.  There  was  a  rude  board  coffin  on  a  cart  at  the 
door,  and  workmen,  assisted  by  the  police,  were  thin 
ning  a  road  through  the  gaping  crowd  in  order  that 
they  might  bring  it  in. 

I  picked  out  a  man  humble  enough  in  life  to  con 
descend  to  talk  with  one  so  shabby  as  I,  and  got  his 
account  of  the  matter. 

"  There  were  sixteen  slaves  here.  They  rose  against 
their  master  in  the  night,  and  thou  seest  how  it  ended." 

"  Yes.     How  did  it  becnn?" 


355 

"  There  was  no  witness  but  the  slaves.  They  said 
the  slave  that  was  most  valuable  got  free  of  his  bonds 
and  escaped  in  some  strange  way  —  by  magic  arts 
'twas  thought,  by  reason  that  he  had  no  key,  and 
the  locks  were  neither  broke  nor  in  any  wise  injured. 
When  the  master  discovered  his  loss,  he  was  mad 
with  despair,  and  threw  himself  upon  his  people  with 
his  heavy  stick,  who  resisted  and  brake  his  back  and 
in  other  and  divers  ways  did  give  him  hurts  that 
brought  him  swiftly  to  his  end." 

"This  is  dreadful.  It  will  go  hard  with  the  slaves, 
no  doubt,  upon  the  trial." 

"  Marry,  the  trial  is  over." 

"Over!" 

"  Would  they  be  a  week,  think  you — and  the  matter 
so  simple?  They  were  not  the  half  of  a  quarter  of 
an  hour  at  it." 

"  Why,  I  don't  see  how  they  could  determine  which 
were  the  guilty  ones  in  so  short  a  time." 

"  Which  ones  ?  Indeed  they  considered  not  partic 
ulars  like  to  that.  They  condemned  them  in  a  body. 
Wit  ye  not  the  law? — which  men  say  the  Romans 
left  behind  them  here  when  they  went — that  if  one 
slave  killeth  his  master  all  the  slaves  of  that  man 
must  die  for  it." 

"  True.  I  had  forgotten.  And  when  will  these 
die?" 

"  Belike  within  a  four  and  twenty  hours ;  albeit 
some  say  they  will  wait  a  pair  of  days  more,  if  perad- 
venture  they  may  find  the  missing  one  meantime." 

The  missing  one!     It  made  me  feel  uncomfortable. 

"  Is  it  likely  they  will  find  him  ?" 

"  Before  the  day  is    spent — yes.     They  seek  him 


356 

everywhere.  They  stand  at  the  gates  of  the  town, 
with  certain  of  the  slaves  who  will  discover  him  to 
them  if  he  cometh,  and  none  can  pass  out  but  he  will 
be  first  examined." 

"  Might  one  see  the  place  where  the  rest  are  con 
fined?" 

"  The  outside  of  it  —  yes.  The  inside  of  it — but 
ye  will  not  want  to  see  that." 

I  took  the  address  of  that  prison,  for  future  reference, 
and  then  sauntered  off.  At  the  first  second-hand 
clothing  shop  I  came  to,  up  a  back  street,  I  got  a 
rough  rig  suitable  for  a  common  seaman  who  might 
be  going  on  a  cold  voyage,  and  bound  up  my  face 
with  a  liberal  bandage,  saying  I  had  a  toothache. 
This  concealed  my  worst  bruises.  It  was  a  transfor 
mation.  I  no  longer  resembled  my  former  self.  Then 
I  struck  out  for  that  wire,  found  it  and  followed  it  to 
its  den.  It  was  a  little  room  over  a  butcher's  shop — 
which  meant  that  business  wasn't  very  brisk  in  the 
telegraphic  line.  The  young  chap  in  charge  was 
drowsing  at  his  table.  I  locked  the  door  and  put  the 
vast  key  in  my  bosom.  This  alarmed  the  young 
fellow,  and  he  was  going  to  make  a  noise ;  but  I 
said  : 

"  Save  your  wind  ;  if  you  open  your  mouth  you  are 
dead,  sure.  Tackle  your  instrument.  Lively,  now ! 
Call  Camelot." 

"This  doth  amaze  me!  How  should  such  as  you 
know  aught  of  such  matters  as — " 

"  Call  Camelot !  I  am  a  desperate  man.  Call 
Camelot,  or  get  away  from  the  instrument  and  I  will 
do  it  myself." 

"What— you?" 


357 

"  Yes — certainly.  Stop  gabbling.  Call  the  palace." 
He  made  the  call. 

"  Now  then,  call  Clarence." 

"  Clarence  wtw  ?" 

"  Never  mind  Clarence  who.  Say  you  want  Clar 
ence;  you'll  get  an  answer." 

He  did  so.  We  waited  five  nerve-straining  minutes 
—ten  minutes — how  long  it  did  seem  ! — and  then 
came  a  click  that  was  as  familiar  to  me  as  a  human 
voice ;  for  Clarence  had  been  my  own  pupil. 

"  Now,  my  lad,  vacate  !  They  would  have  known 
my  touch,  maybe,  and  so  your  call  was  surest ;  but 
I'm  all  right,  now." 

He  vacated  the  place  and  cocked  his  ear  to  listen — 
but  it  didn't  win.  I  used  a  cipher.  I  didn't  waste 
any  time  in  sociabilities  with  Clarence,  but  squared 
away  for  business,  straight-off — thus  : 

"The  king  is  here  and  in  danger.  We  were  capt 
ured  and  brought  here  as  slaves.  We  should  not  be 
able  to  prove  our  identity — and  the  fact  is,  I  am  not 
in  a  position  to  try.  Send  a  telegram  for  the  palace 
here  which  will  carry  conviction  with  it." 

His  answer  came  straight  back: 

"  They  don't  know  anything  about  the  telegraph ; 
they  haven't  had  any  experience  yet,  the  line  to  Lon 
don  is  so  new.  Better  not  venture  that.  They  might 
hang  you.  Think  up  something  else." 

Might  hang  us !  Little  he  knew  how  closely  he 
was  crowding  the  facts.  I  couldn't  think  up  any 
thing  for  the  moment.  Then  an  idea  struck  me,  and 
I  started  it  along : 

"  Send  five  hundred  picked  knights  with  Launcelot 

in  the  lead;  and  send  them  on  the  jump.     Let  them 
24  CY 


358 

enter  by  the  southwest  gate,  and  look  out  for  the 
man  with  a  white  cloth  around  his  right  arm." 

The  answer  was  prompt : 

"They  shall  start  in  half  an  hour." 

"  All  right,  Clarence ;  now  tell  this  lad  here  that  I'm 
a  friend  of  yours  and  a  dead-head  :  and  that  he  must 
be  discreet  and  say  nothing  about  this  visit  of  mine." 

The  instrument  began  to  talk  to  the  youth  and  I 
hurried  away.  I  fell  to  ciphering.  In  half  an  hour  it 
would  be  nine  o'clock.  Knights  and  horses  in  heavy 
armor  couldn't  travel  very  fast.  These  would  make 
the  best  time  they  could,  and  now  that  the  ground 
was  in  good  condition,  and  no  snow  or  mud,  they 
would  probably  make  a  seven-mile  gait ;  they  would 
have  to  change  horses  a  couple  of  times  ;  they  would 
arrive  about  six,  or  a  little  after ;  it  would  still  be 
plenty  light  enough  ;  they  would  see  the  white  cloth 
which  I  should  tie  around  my  right  arm,  and  I  would 
take  command.  We  would  surround  that  prison  and 
have  the  king  out  in  no  time.  It  would  be  showy 
and  picturesque  enough,  all  things  considered,  though 
I  would  have  preferred  noonday,  on  account  of  the 
more  theatrical  aspect  the  thing  would  have. 

Now  then,  in  order  to  increase  the  strings  to  my 
bow,  I  thought  I  would  look  up  some  of  those  people 
whom  I  had  formerly  recognized,  and  make  myself 
known.  That  would  help  us  out  of  our  scrape,  with 
out  the  knights.  But  I  must  proceed  cautiously,  for 
it  was  a  risky  business.  I  must  get  into  sumptuous 
raiment,  and  it  wouldn't  do  to  run  and  jump  into  it. 
No,  I  must  work  up  to  it  by  degrees,  buying  suit 
after  suit  of  clothes,  in  shops  wide  apart,  and  getting 
a  little  finer  article  with  each  change,  until  I  should 


359 

finally  reach  silk  and  velvet,  and  be  ready  for  my 
project.  So  I  started. 

But  the  scheme  fell  through  like  scat !  The  first 
corner  I  turned,  I  came  plump  upon  one  of  our  slaves, 
snooping  around  with  a  watchman.  I  coughed,  at 
the  moment,  and  he  gave  me  a  sudden  look  that  bit 
right  into  my  marrow.  I  judge  he  thought  he  had 
heard  that  cough  before.  I  turned  immediately  into 
a  shop  and  worked  along  down  the  counter,  pricing 
things  and  watching  out  of  the  corner  of  my  eye. 
Those  people  had  stopped,  and  were  talking  together 
and  looking  in  at  the  door.  I  made  up  my  mind  to 
get  out  the  back  way,  if  there  was  a  back  way,  and  I 
asked  the  shopwoman  if  I  could  step  out  there  and 
look  for  the  escaped  slave,  who  was  believed  to  be  in 
hiding  back  there  somewhere,  and  said  I  was  an  officer 
in  disguise,  and  my  pard  was  yonder  at  the  door  with 
one  of  the  murderers  in  charge,  and  would  she  be 
good  enough  to  step  there  and  tell  him  he  needn't 
wait,  but  had  better  go  at  once  to  the  further  end  of 
the  back  alley  and  be  ready  to  head  him  off  when  I 
rousted  him  out. 

She  was  blazing  with  eagerness  to  see  one  of  those 
already  celebrated  murderers,  and  she  started  on  the 
errand  at  once.  I  slipped  out  the  back  way,  locked 
the  door  behind  me,  put  the  key  in  my  pocket  and 
started  off,  chuckling  to  myself  and  comfortable. 

Well,  I  had  gone  and  spoiled  it  again,  made  another 
mistake.  A  double  one,  in  fact.  There  were  plenty 
of  ways  to  get  rid  of  that  officer  by  some  simple  and 
plausible  device,  but  no,  I  must  pick  out  a  picturesque 
one ;  it  is  the  crying  defect  of  my  character.  And 
then,  I  had  ordered  my  procedure  upon  what  the  offi- 


cer,  being  human,  would  naturally  do ;  whereas  when 
you  are  least  expecting  it,  a  man  will  now  and  then 
go  and  do  the  very  thing  which  it's  not  natural  for  him 
to  do.  The  natural  thing  for  the  officer  to  do,  in  this 
case,  was  to  follow  straight  on  my  heels ;  he  would 
find  a  stout  oaken  door,  securely  locked,  between  him 
and  me ;  before  he  could  break  it  down,  I  should  be 
far  away  and  engaged  in  slipping  into  a  succession  of 
baffling  disguises  which  would  soon  get  me  into  a  sort 
of  raiment  which  was  a  surer  protection  from  med 
dling  law-dogs  in  Britain  than  any  amount  of  mere  in- 
nocence  and  purity  of  character.  But  instead  of  doing 
the  natural  thing,  the  officer  took  me  at  my  word,  and 
followed  my  instructions.  And  so,  as  I  came  trotting 
out  of  that  cul  de  sac,  full  of  satisfaction  with  my  own 
cleverness,  he  turned  the  corner  and  I  walked  right 
into  his  handcuffs.  If  I  had  known  it  was  a  cul  de  sac 
—  however,  there  isn't  any  excusing  a  blunder  like 
that,  let  it  go.  Charge  it  up  to  profit  and  loss. 

Of  course  I  was  indignant,  and  swore  I  had  just 
come  ashore  from  a  long  voyage,  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing — just  to  see,  you  know,  if  it  would  deceive  that 
slave.  But  it  didn't.  He  knew  me.  Then  I  re 
proached  him  for  betraying  me.  He  was  more  sur 
prised  than  hurt.  He  stretched  his  eyes  wide,  and 
said  : 

"  What,  wouldst  have  me  let  thee,  of  all  men,  escape 
and  not  hang  with  us,  when  thou'rt  the  very  cause  of 
our  hanging  ?  Go  to  !" 

"  Go  to  "  was  their  way  of  saying  "  I  should  smile  !" 
or  "  I  like  that !"  Queer  talkers,  those  people. 

Well,  there  was  a  sort  of  bastard  justice  in  his  view 
of  the  case,  and  so  I  dropped  the  matter.  When  you 


361 

can't  cure  a  disaster  by  argument,  what  is  the  use  to 
argue  ?  It  isn't  my  way.  So  I  only  said  : 

"  You're  not  going  to  be  hanged.     None  of  us  are." 

Both  men  laughed,  and  the  slave  said : 

"  Ye  have  not  ranked  as  a  fool — before.  You  might 
better  keep  your  reputation,  seeing  the  strain  would 
not  be  for  long." 

"  It  will  stand  it,  I  reckon.  Before  to-morrow  we 
shall  be  out  of  prison,  and  free  to  go  where  we  will, 
besides." 

The  witty  officer  lifted  at  his  left  ear  with  his 
thumb,  made  a  rasping  noise  in  his  throat,  and  said: 

"  Out  of  prison — yes — ye  say  true.  And  free  like 
wise  to  go  where  ye  will,  so  ye  wander  not  out  of  his 
grace  the  Devil's  sultry  realm." 

I  kept  my  temper,  and  said,  indifferently: 

"  Now  I  suppose  you  really  think  we  are  going  to 
hang  within  a  day  or  two." 

"  I  thought  it  not  many  minutes  ago,  for  so  the 
thing  was  decided  and  proclaimed." 

"  Ah,  then  you've  changed  your  mind,  is  that  it  ?" 

"  Even  that.     I  only  thought,  then  ;  I  know,  now." 

I  felt  sarcastical,  so  I  said : 

"  Oh,  sapient  servant  of  the  law,  condescend  to  tell 
us,  then,  what  you  know" 

"That  ye  will  all  be  hanged  to-day,  at  mid -af 
ternoon  !  Oho !  that  shot  hit  home !  Lean  upon 
me." 

The  fact  is  I  did  need  to  lean  upon  somebody.  My 
knights  couldn't  arrive  in  time.  They  would  be  as  much 
as  three  hours  too  late.  Nothing  in  the  world  could 
save  the  King  of  England  ;  nor  me,  which  was  more 
important.  More  important,  not  merely  to  me,  but 


362 


to  the  nation— the  only  nation  on  earth  standing  ready 
to  blossom  into  civilization.  I  was  sick.  I  said  no 
more,  there  wasn't  anything  to  say.  I  knew  what  the 
man  meant;  that  if  the  missing  slave  was  found,  the 
postponement  would  be  revoked,  the  execution  take 
place  to-day.  Well,  the  missing  slave  was  found. 


CHAPTER    XXXVIII 
SIR    LAUNCELOT   AND    KNIGHTS   TO   THE    RESCUE 

NEARING  four  in  the  afternoon.  The  scene  was  just 
outside  the  walls  of  London.  A  cool,  comfortable, 
superb  day,  with  a  brilliant  sun  ;  the  kind  of  day  to 
make  one  want  to  live,  not  die.  The  multitude  was 
prodigious  and  far  reaching;  and  yet  we  fifteen  poor 
devils  hadn't  a  friend  in  it.  There  was  something 
painful  in  that  thought,  look  at  it  how  you  might. 
There  we  sat,  on  our  tall  scaffold,  the  butt  of  the  hate 
and  mockery  of  all  those  enemies.  We  were  being 
made  a  holiday  spectacle.  They  had  built  a  sort  of 
grand  stand  for  the  nobility  and  gentry,  and  these  were 
there  in  full  force,  with  their  ladies.  We  recognized 
a  good  many  of  them. 

The  crowd  got  a  brief  and  unexpected  dash  of  di 
version  out  of  the  king.  The  moment  we  were  freed 
of  our  bonds  he  sprang  up,  in  his  fantastic  rags,  with 
face  bruised  out  of  all  recognition,  and  proclaimed 
himself  Arthur,  King  of  Britain,  and  denounced  the 
awful  penalties  of  treason  upon  every  soul  there  pres 
ent  if  hair  of  his  sacred  head  were  touched.  It 
startled  and  surprised  him  to  hear  them  break  into 
a  vast  roar  of  laughter.  It  wounded  his  dignity,  and 
he  locked  himself  up  in  silence,  then,  although  the 
crowd  begged  him  to  go  on,  and  tried  to  provoke 
him  to  it  by  cat-calls,  jeers,  and  shouts  of 


364 

"  Let  him  speak  !  The  king  !  The  king  !  his  hum- 
ble  subjects  hunger  and  thirst  for  words  of  wisdom  out 
of  the  mouth  of  their  master  his  Serene  and  Sacred 
Raggedness!" 

But  it  went  for  nothing.  He  put  on  all  his  majesty 
and  sat  under  this  rain  of  contempt  and  insult  un 
moved.  He  certainly  was  great  in  his  way.  Absent 
ly,  I  had  taken  off  my  white  bandage  and  wound  it 
about  my  right  arm.  When  the  crowd  noticed  this, 
they  began  upon  me.  They  said  : 

"  Doubtless  this  sailor-man  is  his  minister — observe 
his  costly  badge  of  office !" 

I  let  them  go  on  until  they  got  tired,  and  then  I 
said : 

"  Yes,  I  am  his  minister,  The  Boss  ;  and  to-morrow 
you  will  hear  that  from  Camelot  which— 

I  got  no  further.  They  drowned  me  out  with  joy 
ous  derision.  But  presently  there  was  silence;  for  the 
sheriffs  of  London,  in  their  official  robes,  with  their 
subordinates,  began  to  make  a  stir  which  indicated 
that  business  was  about  to  begin.  In  the  hush  which 
followed,  our  crime  was  recited,  the  death  warrant  read, 
then  everybody  uncovered  while  a  priest  uttered  a 
prayer. 

Then  a  slave  was  blindfolded,  the  hangman  unslung 
his  rope.  There  lay  the  smooth  road  below  us,  we 
upon  one  side  of  it,  the  banked  multitude  walling  its 
other  side — a  good  clear  road,  and  kept  free  by  the 
police — how  good  it  would  be  to  see  my  five  hundred 
horsemen  come  tearing  down  it !  But,  no,  it  was  out 
of  the  possibilities.  I  followed  its  receding  thread  out 
into  the  distance — not  a  horseman  on  it,  or  sign  of 
one. 


,11  IS    I'KALTISIM.;    ON    THK    OflET 


36$ 

There  was  a  jerk,  and  the  slave  hung  dangling; 
dangling  and  hideously  squirming,  for  his  limbs  were 
not  tied. 

A  second  rope  was  unslung,  in  a  moment  another 
slave  was  dangling. 

In  a  minute  a  third  slave  was  struggling  in  the  air. 
It  was  dreadful.  I  turned  away  my  head  a  moment, 
and  when  I  turned  back  I  missed  the  king!  They 
were  blindfolding  him  !  I  was  paralyzed  ;  I  couldn't 
move,  I  was  choking,  my  tongue  was  petrified.  They 
finished  blindfolding  him,  they  led  him  under  the  rope. 
I  couldn't  shake  off  that  clinging  impotence.  But 
when  I  saw  them  put  the  noose  around  his  neck,  then 
everything  let  go  in  me  and  I  made  a  spring  to  the 
rescue — and  as  I  made  it  I  shot  one  more  glance 
abroad — by  George,  here  they  came,  a-tilting  ! — five 
hundred  mailed  and  belted  knights  on  bicycles ! 

The  grandest  sight  that  ever  was  seen.  Lord,  how 
the  plumes  streamed,  how  the  sun  flamed  and  flashed 
from  the  endless  procession  of  webby  wheels ! 

I  waved  my  right  arm  as  Launcelot  swept  in — he 
recognized  my  rag — I  tore  away  noose  and  bandage, 
and  shouted : 

"  On  your  knees,  every  rascal  of  you,  and  salute  the 
king  !  Who  fails  shall  sup  in  hell  to-night !" 

I  always  use  that  high  style  when  I'm  climaxing  an 
effect.  Well,  it  was  noble  to  see  Launcelot  and  the 
boys  swarm  up  onto  that  scaffold  and  heave  sheriffs 
and  such  overboard.  And  it  was  fine  to  see  that  as 
tonished  multitude  go  down  on  their  knees  and  beg 
their  lives  of  the  king  they  had  just  been  deriding 
and  insulting.  And  as  he  stood  apart,  there,  receiving 
this  homage  in  his  rags,  I  thought  to  myself,  well 


366 

really  there  is  something  peculiarly  grand  about  the 
gait  and  bearing  of  a  king,  after  all. 

1  was  immensely  satisfied.  Take  the  whole  situa 
tion  all  around,  it  was  one  of  the  gaudiest  effects  I 
ever  instigated. 

And  presently  up  comes  Clarence,  his  own  self ! 
and  winks,  and  says,  very  modernly : 

"  Good  deal  of  a  surprise,  wasn't  it?  I  knew  you'd 
like  it.  I've  had  the  boys  practising,  this  long  time, 
privately ;  and  just  hungry  for  a  chance  to  show  off." 


CHAPTER    XXXIX 
THE  YANKEE'S  FIGHT  WITH  THE  KNIGHTS 

HOME  again,  at  Camelot.  A  morning  or  two  later 
I  found  the  paper,  damp  from  the  press,  by  my  plate 
at  the  breakfast  table.  I  turned  to  the  advertising 
columns,  knowing  I  should  find  something  of  personal 
interest  to  me  there.  It  was  this : 

DE   FAR  LE  ROI. 

•^now  that  the  great  lord  and  illus 
trious  kniSht,  CIR  SAGRAMOR  LE 
DESIROUS  naving  condescended  to 
me^t  the  Kin^'*  Minister,  Hank  Mor 
gan,  the  which  is  surname*!  The  Boss, 
for  satisfaction  of  offence  anciently  given, 
these  WI!L  engage  m  the  lists  by 
Cain<*iot  asout  tne  fourth  hour  ot  tne 
mormng  m  the  sixteenth  dav  of  this 
next  succeeding  month.  The  bBttle 
wiil  be  a  Toutrance,  sith  the  said  offence 
was  of  a  deadly  sort,  admitting:  ^  no 
composition. 

DE  PAR   T,E 


368 


Clarence's  editorial  reference  to  this  affair  was  to 
this  effect : 


chdrew.  It  will  be  observed,  by  a  glynce  at  our 

weak  maintained  advertising  columns,  that  the  commu- 

there  since,  soon  nity  is  to  be  favore  1  A\ith  a  treat  of  un- 

listic  have  witq  '  usual  interest  in  the  tournament  line. 


oked    interest 
upon  the 


The  names  of  the  artists  are  warrant  of 
good  enterrainment.  The  box-office 
will  be  open  at  noon  of  the  131)1;  ad 
mission  3  cents,  reserved  seats  5 ;  pro 
ceeds  to  go  to  the  hospital  fund  ^he 
royal  pan  and  all  the  Court  will  be  pres- 


men  :  ent.     With  these  exceptions,  and   the 


of  our  unde*-  >he  i  press  and  the  clergy,  tne  free  list  is  strict- 

i  guidance  of  tha  I  ly  suspended.   Parties  are  hereby  warn- 

or  aid  in  a'known  ed  against  buying  tickets  of  speculators; 


ie  great  enterprise 
ot  »».aking  pure  ; 
esem 

'uovement  haa  its 
origin  in  preven- 


thev  \vill  not  be  good  at  the  door. 
Everybody  knows  ana  likes  The  Boss, 
everybody  knows  ana  likes  Sir  Sag. ; 
come,  let  us  give  tne  lads  a  good  senH- 


off.     ReMember,  tne  proceeds  go  to  a 
has  ever  heen  a !  great  and  free  chanty,  and  one  whose 
sions  in  our   broad  begevolence  su'etcnes  out.  its  help- 
en  of  j\[is- :  ing  hand,  warm  with  the  blood  of  a  lov- 
other  one  I  ing  heait,  to  all  that  suyer,  regardless  o* 

ospel,  !  race,    deed,    condition    or    colui— the 

f 

by-  j  only  chaiity  yet  established  in  the  earth 

e  j  which  has   no   politico-religiou?    stop- 

Tnelcock  on  its  compassion,  but  says  Here 

..ha  same ,  flows    the    stream,    let   all   come   and 

Co  represent  'drink!  J,urn  out,  al1  hands!  fetch  along 

ized   thirty  ot   your  doughnuts  and   your    gum-drops 

needs   and  hear-  i  and  have  a  good  time.      Pie  for  sale  on 

vhich.jjyears  ago  ! ,  the  grounc/s,  and  rocks  to  crack  it  with; 

•r^sgn  was  osgan-  j  also  ciRcus-lemonade — three   drops  of 

ng,  the  missions,  :  lime  juice  to  a  barrel  of  water. 

so  that  both  had  j      N.  B.      This  is  the  first  tournament 

'o  withdraw'  and  i  under  the  new  law,  wkidh  allows  each 

much  to  their  '  combatant  to  use  any  weapon  he  may  pre- 

grief,  |  fer.     You  want  to  make  a  n^t^  of  -jutf} 


our  disappointn. 
dromptly  and  - 
two  of  their  felo 
erlain,  and  or  . 
ers  havecaliea^  - 
spoken,  yo"  ^ 
furnisned  fc~ 
their  uc^,  -\ 
make  anc* 
the  5{ir^ 
letters 
o;  introu 
duction  whi 
they   are  un»h 
ing  friends  to  us 
ried,  and  leav«  tht 
thot"kind  words  Bnr. 
which  you,  m_>  joy- 
hind  ;  and  it  is  a 
home  matter  ~r  b 
it  is  our  durp 
direct  them  tc 
now  under  the  f 
g  field*  as  ar 
y^nese^younS  met 
are  warm-hearten 
azirl,  regions  beX 
not  to  "  build  i. 
ond,'(  and  the 
der  instructi 
ons  of  our 
another  man 
founhati's  on.^ 
ociety,  which 
They  go  un 
say  tqat  "  inr 
ionaries  to  mon 
*?y   sanding   mist 


Up  to  the  day  set,  there  was  no  talk  in  all  Britain  of 
anything  but  this  combat.  All  other  topics  sank  into 
insignificance  and  passed  out  of  men's  thoughts  and 
interest.  It  was  not  because  a  tournament  was  a  great 
matter ;  it  was  not  because  Sir  Sagramor  had  found 
the  Holy  Grail,  for  he  had  not,  but  had  failed  ;  it  was 
not  because  the  second  (official)  personage  in  the  king 
dom  was  one  of  the  duellists ;  no,  all  these  features 
were  commonplace.  Yet  there  was  abundant  reason 
for  the  extraordinary  interest  which  this  coming  fight 
was  creating.  It  was  born  of  the  fact  that  all  the  na 
tion  knew  that  this  was  not  to  be  a  duel  between  mere 
men,  so  to  speak,  but  a  duel  between  two  mighty  ma 
gicians  ;  a  duel  not  of  muscle  but  of  mind,  not  of  hu 
man  skill  but  of  superhuman  art  and  craft ;  a  final 
struggle  for  supremacy  between  the  two  master  en 
chanters  of  the  age.  It  was  realized  that  the  most 
prodigious  achievements  of  the  most  renowned  knights 
could  not  be  worthy  of  comparison  with  a  spectacle 
like  this ;  they  could  be  but  child's  play,  contrasted 
with  this  mysterious  and  awful  battle  of  the  gods. 
Yes,  all  the  world  knew  it  was  going  to  be  in  reality  a 
duel  between  Merlin  and  me,  a  measuring  of  his  magic 
powers  against  mine.  It  was  known  that  Merlin  had 
been  busy  whole  days  and  nights  together,  imbuing 
Sir  Sagramor's  arms  and  armor  with  supernal  powers 
of  offence  and  defence,  and  that  he  had  procured  for 
him  from  the  spirits  of  the  air  a  fleecy  veil  which 
would  render  the  wearer  invisible  to  his  antagonist 
while  still  visible  to  other  men.  Against  Sir  Sagra 
mor,  so  weaponed  and  protected,  a  thousand  knights 
could  accomplish  nothing;  against  him  no  known  en 
chantments  could  prevail.  These  facts  were  sure  ;  re- 


37Q 

garding  them  there  was  no  doubt,  no  reason  for  doubt. 
There  was  but  one  question  :  might  there  be  still  other 
enchantments,  unknown  to  Merlin,  which  could  render 
Sir  Sagramor's  veil  transparent  to  me,  and  make  his 
enchanted  mail  vulnerable  to  my  weapons  ?  This  was 
the  one  thing  to  be  decided  in  the  lists.  Until  then 
the  world  must  remain  in  suspense. 

So  the  world  thought  there  was  a  vast  matter  at 
stake  here,  and  the  world  was  right,  but  it  was  not  the 
one  they  had  in  their  minds.  No,  a  far  vaster  one  was 
upon  the  cast  of  this  die :  tJie  life  of  knigJit-errantry. 
I  was  a  champion,  it  was  true,  but  not  the  champion 
of  the  frivolous  black  arts,  I  was  the  champion  of  hard 
unsentimental  common-sense  and  reason.  I  was  enter 
ing  the  lists  to  either  destroy  knight-errantry  or  be  its 
victim. 

Vast  as  the  show -grounds  were,  there  were  no  va 
cant  spaces  in  them  outside  of  the  lists,  at  ten  o'clock 
on  the  morning  of  the  i6th.  The  mammoth  grand 
stand  was  clothed  in  flags,  streamers,  and  rich  tapes 
tries,  and  packed  with  several  acres  of  small-fry  tribu 
tary  kings,  their  suites,  and  the  British  aristocracy ; 
with  our  own  royal  gang  in  the  chief  place,  and  each 
and  every  individual  a  flashing  prism  of  gaudy  silks 
and  velvets — well,  I  never  saw  anything  to  begin  wkh 
it  but  a  fight  between  an  Upper  Mississippi  sunset  and 
the  aurorjL_h£trealis.  The  huge  camp  of  beflagged  and 
gay-colored  tents  at  one  end  of  the  lists,  with  a  stiff- 
standing  sentinel  at  every  door  and  a  shining  shield 
hanging  by  him  for  challenge,  was  another  fine  sight. 
You  see,  every  knight  was  there  who  had  any  ambition 
or  any  caste  feeling  ;  for  my  feeling  toward  their  order 
was  not  much  of  a  secret,  and  so  here  was  their  chance. 


37i 

If  I  won  my  fight  with  Sir  Sagramor,  others  would 
have  the  right  to  call  me  out  as  long  as  I  might  be 
willing  to  respond. 

Down  at  our  end  there  were  but  two  tents  ;  one  for 
me,  and  another  for  my  servants.  At  the  appointed 
hour  the  king  made  a  sign,  and  the  heralds,  in  their 
tabards,  appeared  and  made  proclamation,  naming  the 
combatants  and  stating  the  cause  of  quarrel.  There 
was  a  pause,  then  a  ringing  bugle-blast,  which  was  the 
signal  for  us  to  come  forth.  All  the  multitude  caught 
their  breath,  and  an  eager  curiosity  flashed  into  every 
face. 

Out  from  his  tent  rode  great  Sir  Sagramor,  an  im 
posing  tower  of  iron,  stately  and  rigid,  his  huge  spear 
standing  upright  in  its  socket  and  grasped  in  his  strong 
hand,  his  grand  horse's  face  and  breast  cased  in  steel, 
his  body  clothed  in  rich  trappings  that  almost  dragged 
the  ground — oh,  a  most  noble  picture.  A  great  shout 
went  up,  of  welcome  and  admiration. 

And  then  out  I  came.  But  I  didn't  get  any  shout. 
There  was  a  wondering  and  eloquent  silence,  for  a  mo 
ment,  then  a  great  wave  of  laughter  began  to  sweep 
along  that  human  sea,  but  a  warning  bugle-blast  cut 
its  career  short.  I  was  in  the  simplest  and  comforta- 
blest  of  gymnast  costumes  —  flesh-colored  tights  from 
neck  to  heel,  with  blue  silk  puffings  about  my  loins, 
and  bareheaded.  My  horse  was  not  above  medium 
size,  but  he  was  alert,  slender -limbed,  muscled  with 
watch-springs,  and  just  a  greyhound  to  go.  He  was  a 
beauty,  glossy  as  silk,  and  naked  as  he  was  when  he 
was  born,  except  for  bridle  and  ranger-saddle. 

The  iron  tower  and  the  gorgeous  bed-quilt  came 
cumbrously  but  gracefully  pirouetting  down  the  lists, 


372 

and  we  tripped  lightly  up  to  meet  them.  We  halted  ; 
the  tower  saluted,  I  responded  ;  then  we  wheeled  and 
rode  side  by  side  to  the  grand-stand  and  faced  our 
king  and  queen,  to  whom  we  made  obeisance.  The 
queen  exclaimed  : 

"  Alack,  Sir  Boss,  wilt  fight  naked,  and  without  lance 
or  sword  or — " 

But  the  king  checked  her  and  made  her  understand, 
with  a  polite  phrase  or  two,  that  this  was  none  of  her 
business.  The  bugles  rang  again  ;  and  we  separated 
and  rode  to  the  ends  of  the  lists,  and  took  position. 
Now  old  Merlin  stepped  into  view  and  cast  a  dainty 
web  of  gossamer  threads  over  Sir  Sagramor  which 
turned  him  into  Hamlet's  ghost ;  the  king  made  a 
sign,  the  bugles  blew,  Sir  Sagramor  laid  his  great 
lance  in  rest,  and  the  next  moment  here  he  came 
thundering  down  the  course  with  his  veil  flying  out 
behind,  and  I  went  whistling  through  the  air  like  an 
arrow  to  meet  him — cocking  my  ear,  the  while,  as  if 
noting  the  invisible  knight's  position  and  progress  by 
hearing,  not  sight.  A  chorus  of  encouraging  shouts 
burst  out  for  him,  and  one  brave  voice  flung  out  a 
heartening  word  for  me — said  : 

"  Go  it,  slim  Jim  !" 

It  was  an  even  bet  that  Clarence  had  procured  that 
favor  for  me — and  furnished  the  language,  too.  When 
that  formidable  lance-point  was  within  a  yard  and  a 
half  of  my  breast  I  twitched  my  horse  aside  without  an 
effort  and  the  big  knight  swept  by,  scoring  a  blank. 
I  got  plenty  of  applause  that  time.  We  turned,  braced 
up,  and  down  we  came  again.  Another  blank  for  the 
knight,  a  roar  of  applause  for  me.  This  same  thing 
was  repeated  once  more ;  and  it  fetched  such  a  whirl- 


373 

wind  of  applause  that  Sir  Sagramor  lost  his  temper, 
and  at  once  changed  his  tactics  and  set  himself  the 
task  of  chasing  me  down.  Why,  he  hadn't  any  show 
in  the  world  at  that ;  it  was  a  game  of  tag,  with  all  the 
advantage  on  my  side  ;  I  whirled  out  of  his  path  with 
ease  whenever  I  chose,  and  once  I  slapped  him  on  the 
back  as  I  went  to  the  rear.  Finally  I  took  the  chase 
into  my  own  hands  ;  and  after  that,  turn,  or  twist,  or 
do  what  he  would,  he  was  never  able  to  get  behind 
me  again  ;  he  found  himself  always  in  front,  at  the  end 
of  his  manoeuvre.  So  he  gave  up  that  business  and  re 
tired  to  his  end  of  the  lists.  His  temper  was  clear 
gone,  now,  and  he  forgot  himself  and  flung  an  insult  at 
me  which  disposed  of  mine.  I  slipped  my  lasso  from 
the  horn  of  my  saddle,  and  grasped  the  coil  in  my  right 
hand.  This  time  you  should  have  seen  him  cornel- 
it  was  a  business  trip,  sure  ;  by  his  gait  there  was  blood 
in  his  eye.  I  was  sitting  my  horse  at  ease,  and  swing 
ing  the  great  loop  of  my  lasso  in  wide  circles  about 
my  head  ;  the  moment  he  was  under  way,  I  started  for 
him  ;  when  the  space  between  us  had  narrowed  to 
forty  feet,.  I  sent  the  snaky  spirals  of  the  rope  a-cleav- 
ing  through  the  air,  then  darted  aside  and  faced  about 
and  brought  my  trained  animal  to  a  halt  with  all  his 
feet  braced  under  him  for  a  surge.  The  next  moment 
the  rope  sprang  taut  and  yanked  Sir  Sagramor  out  of 
the  saddle  !  Great  Scott,  but  there  was  a  sensation  ! 

Unquestionably  the  popular  thing  in  this  world  is 
novelty.  These  people  had  never  seen  anything  of 
that  cowboy  business  before,  and  it  carried  them  clear 
oif  their  feet  with  delight.  From  all  around  and  every 
where,  the  shout  went  up— 

"  Encore  !  encore  !" 
23  CY 


374 

I  wondered  where  they  got  the  word,  but  there  was 
no  time  to  cipher  on  philological  matters,  because  the 
whole  knight-errantry  hive  was  just  humming,  now, 
and  my  prospect  for  trade  couldn't  have  been  better. 
The  moment  my  lasso  was  released  and  Sir  Sagramor 
had  been  assisted  to  his  tent,  I  hauled  in  the  slack, 
took  my  station  and  began  to  swing  my  loop  around 
my  head  again.  I  was  sure  to  have  use  for  it  as  soon 
as  they  could  elect  a  successor  for  Sir  Sagramor,  and 
that  couldn't  take  long  where  there  were  so  many 
hungry  candidates.  Indeed,  they  elected  one  straight 
off — Sir  Hervis  de  Revel. 

Bsz  !  Here  he  came,  like  a  house  afire  ;  I  dodged  ; 
he  passed  like  a  flash,  with  my  horse-hair  coils  settling 
around  his  neck;  a  second  or  so  later,  fst !  his  saddle 
was  empty. 

I  got  another  encore  ;  and  another,  and  another,  and 
still  another.  When  I  had  snaked  five  men  out,  things 
began  to  look  serious  to  the  iron-clads,  and  they 
stopped  and  consulted  together.  As  a  result,  they 
decided  that  it  was  time  to  waive  etiquette  and  send 
their  greatest  and  best  against  me.  To  the  astonish 
ment  of  that  little  world,  I  lassoed  Sir  Lamorak  de 
Galis,  and  after  him  Sir  Galahad.  So  you  see  there 
was  simply  nothing  to  be  done,  now,  but  play  their 
right  bower — bring  out  the  superbest  of  the  superb, 
the  mightiest  of  the  mighty,  the  great  Sir  Launcelot 
himself ! 

A  proud  moment  for  me  ?  I  should  think  so.  Yon 
der  was  Arthur,  King  of  Britain  ;  yonder  was  Guen- 
ever;  yes,  and  whole  tribes  of  little  provincial  kings 
and  kinglets ;  and  in  the  tented  camp  yonder,  re 
nowned  knights  from  many  lands ;  and  likewise  the 


375 

selectest  body  known  to  chivalry,  the  Knights  of  the 
Table  Round,  the  most  illustrious  in  Christendom ; 
and  biggest  fact  of  all,  the  very  sun  of  their  shining 
system  was  yonder  couching  his  lance,  the  focal  point 
of  forty  thousand  adoring  eyes ;  and  all  by  myself, 
here  was  I  laying  for  him.  Across  my  mind  flitted 
the  dear  image  of  a  certain  hello-girl  of  West  Hart 
ford,  and  I  wished  she  could  see  me  now.  In  that  mo 
ment,  down  came  the  Invincible,  with  the  rush  of  a 
whirlwind — the  courtly  world  rose  to  its  feet  and  bent 
forward — the  fateful  coils  went  circling  through  the 
air,  and  before  you  could  wink  I  was  towing  Sir  Laun- 
celot  across  the  field  on  his  back,  and  kissing  my  hand 
to  the  storm  of  waving  kerchiefs  and  the  thunder- 
crash  of  applause  that  greeted  me  ! 

Said  I  to  myself,  as  I  coiled  my  lariat  and  hung  it 
on  my  saddle-horn,  and  sat  there  drunk  with  glory, 
"  The  victory  is  perfect — no  other  will  venture  against 
me — knight-errantry  is  dead."  Now  imagine  my  as 
tonishment —  and  everybody  else's  too — to  hear  the 
peculiar  bugle-call  which  announces  that  another  com 
petitor  is  about  to  enter  the  lists !  There  was  a  mys 
tery  here ;  I  couldn't  account  for  this  thing.  Next,  I 
noticed  Merlin  gliding  away  from  me ;  and  then  I 
noticed  that  my  lasso  was  gone !  The  old  sleight-of- 
hand  expert  had  stolen  it,  sure,  and  slipped  it  under 
his  robe. 

The  bugle  blew  again.  I  looked,  and  down  came 
Sagramor  riding  again,  with  his  dust  brushed  off  and 
his  veil  nicely  re-arranged.  I  trotted  up  to  meet  him, 
and  pretended  to  find  him  by  the  sound  of  his  horse's 
hoofs.  He  said  : 

"  Thou'rt  quick  of  car,  but  it  will  not  save  thee  from 


376 

this !"  and  he  touched  the  hilt  of  his  great  sword. 
"An  ye  are  not  able  to  see  it,  because  of  the  influence 
of  the  veil,  know  that  it  is  no  cumbrous  lance,  but  a 
sword — and  I  ween  ye  will  not  be  able  to  avoid  it." 

His  visor  was  up  ;  there  was  death  in  his  smile.  I 
should  never  be  able  to  dodge  his  sword,  that  was 
plain.  Somebody  was  going  to  die,  this  time.  If  he 
got  the  drop  on  me,  I  could  name  the  corpse.  We 
rode  forward  together,  and  saluted  the  royalties.  This 
time  the  king  was  disturbed.  He  said  : 

"  Where  is  thy  strange  weapon  ?" 

"  It  is  stolen,  sire." 

"  Hast  another  at  hand?" 

"  No,  sire,  I  brought  only  the  one." 

Then  Merlin  mixed  in  : 

"  He  brought  but  the  one  because  there  was  but  the 
one  to  bring.  There  exists  none  other  but  that  one. 
It  belongeth  to  the  king  of  the  Demons  of  the  Sea. 
This  man  is  a  pretender,  and  ignorant ;  else  he  had 
known  that  that  weapon  can  be  used  in  but  eight 
bouts  only,  and  then  it  vanisheth  away  to  its  home 
under  the  sea." 

"  Then  is  he  weaponless,"  said  the  king.  "  Sir  Sag- 
ramor,  ye  will  grant  him  leave  to  borrow." 

"  And  I  will  lend  !"  said  Sir  Launcelot,  limping  up. 
"  He  is  as  brave  a  knight  of  his  hands  as  any  that  be 
on  live,  and  he  shall  have  mine." 

He  put  his  hand  on  his  sword  to  draw  it,  but  Sir 
Sagramor  said : 

"  Stay,  it  may  not  be.  He  shall  fight  with  his  own 
weapons ;  it  was  his  privilege  to  choose  them  and 
bring  them.  If  he  has  erred,  on  his  head  be  it." 

"  Knight !"  said  the  king.      "  Thou'rt  overwrought 


377 

with  passion ;  it  disorders  thy  mind.     Wouldst  kill  a 
naked  man  ?" 

11  An  he  do  it,  he  shall  answer  it  to  me,"  said  Sir 
Launcelot. 

"  I  will  answer  it  to  any  he  that  desireth !"  retorted 
Sir  Sagramor  hotly. 

Merlin  broke  in,  rubbing  his  hands  and  smiling  his 
lowdownest  smile  of  malicious  gratification : 

"  Tis  well  said,  right  well  said  !  And  'tis  enough  of 
parleying,  let  my  lord  the  king  deliver  the  battle 
signal." 

The, king  had  to  yield.  The  bugle  made  proclama 
tion,  and  we  turned  apart  and  rode  to  our  stations. 
There  we  stood,  a  hundred  yards  apart,  facing  each 
other,  rigid  and  motionless,  like  horsed  statues.  And 
so  we  remained,  in  a  soundless  hush,  as  much  as  a  full 
minute,  everybody  gazing,  nobody  stirring.  It  seemed 
as  if  the  king  could  not  take  heart  to  give  the  signal. 
But  at  last  he  lifted  his  hand,  the  clear  note  of  the 
bugle  followed,  Sir  Sagramor's  long  blade  described 
a  flashing  curve  in  the  air,  and  it  was  superb  to  see 
him  come.  I  sat  still.  On  he  came.  I  did  not  move. 
People  got  so  excited  that  they  shouted  to  me : 

"  Fly,  fly  !     Save  thyself  !     This  is  murther !" 

I  never  budged  so  much  as  an  inch,  till  that  thun 
dering  apparition  had  got  within  fifteen  paces  of  me ; 
then  I  snatched  a  dragoon  revolver  out  of  my  holster, 
there  was  a  flash  and  a  roar,  and  the  revolver  was  back 
in  the  holster  before  anybody  could  tell  what  had 
happened. 

Here  was  a  riderless  horse  plunging  by,  and  yonder 
lay  Sir  Sagramor,  stone  dead. 

The  people  that  ran  to  him  were  stricken  dumb  to 


378 

find  that  the  life  was  actually  gone  out  of  the  man  and 
no  reason  for  it  visible,  no  hurt  upon  his  body,  noth 
ing  like  a  wound.  There  was  a  hole  through  the 
breast  of  his  chain-mail,  but  they  attached  no  impor 
tance  to  a  little  thing  like  that ;  and  as  a  bullet-wound 
there  produces  but  little  blood,  none  came  in  sight  be 
cause  of  the  clothing  and  swaddlings  under  the  armor. 
The  body  was  dragged  over  to  let  the  king  and  the 
swells  look  down  upon  it.  They  were  stupefied  with 
astonishment,  naturally.  I  was  requested  to  come  and 
explain  the  miracle.  But  I  remained  in  my  tracks, 
like  a  statue,  and  said  : 

"  If  it  is  a  command,  I  will  come,  but  my  lord  the 
king  knows  that  I  am  where  the  laws  of  combat  require 
me  to  remain  while  any  desire  to  come  against  me." 

I  waited.     Nobody  challenged.     Then  I  said : 

"  If  there  are  any  who  doubt  that  this  field  is  well 
and  fairly  won,  I  do  not  wait  for  them  to  challenge 
me,  I  challenge  them." 

"  It  is  a  gallant  offer,"  said  the  king,  "  and  well  be 
seems  you.  Whom  will  you  name,  first?" 

"  I  name  none,  I  challenge  all !  Here  I  stand,  and 
dare  the  chivalry  of  England  to  come  against  me — 
not  by  individuals,  but  in  mass !" 

"  What !"  shouted  a  score  of  knights. 

"  You  have  heard  the  challenge.  Take  it,  or  I  pro 
claim  you  recreant  knights  and  vanquished,  every 
one !" 

It  was  a  "bluff"  you  know.  At  such  a  time  it  is 
sound  judgment  to  put  on  a  bold  face  and  play  your 
hand  for  a  hundred  times  what  it  is  worth;  forty-nine 
times  out  of  fifty  nobody  dares  to  "call,"  and  you 
rake  in  the  chips.  But  just  this  once — well,  things 


379 

looked  squally  !  In  just  no  time,  five  hundred  knights 
were  scrambling  into  their  saddles,  and  before  you 
could  wink  a  widely  scattering  drove  were  under  way 
and  clattering  down  upon  me.  I  snatched  both  re 
volvers  from  the  holsters  and  began  to  measure  dis 
tances  and  calculate  chances. 

Bang!  One  saddle  empty.  Bang!  another  one. 
Bang — bang !  and  I  bagged  two.  Well  it  was  nip  and 
tuck  with  us,  and  I  knew  it.  If  I  spent  the  eleventh 
shot  without  convincing  these  people,  the  twelfth  man 
would  kill  me,  sure.  And  so  I  never  did  feel  so  happy 
as  I  did  when  my  ninth  downed  its  man  and  I  detect 
ed  the  wavering  in  the  crowd  which  is  premonitory  of 
panic.  An  instant  lost  now,  could  knock  out  my  last 
chance.  But  I  didn't  lose  it.  I  raised  both  revolvers 
and  pointed  them — the  halted  host  stood  their  ground 
just  about  one  good  square  moment,  then  broke  and 
fled. 

The  day  was  mine.  Knight-errantry  was  a  doomed 
institution.  The  march  of  civilization  was  begun. 
How  did  I  feel?  Ah  you  never  could  imagine  it. 

And  Brer  Merlin  ?  His  stock  was  flat  again.  Some 
how,  every  time  the  magic  of  fol-de-rol  tried  conclu 
sions  with  the  magic  of  science,  the  magic  of  fol-de-rol 
got  left. 


CHAPTER   XL 

THREE    YEARS    LATER 

WHEN  I  broke  the  back  of  knight-errantry  that 
time,  I  no  longer  felt  obliged  to  work  in  secret.  So, 
the  very  next  day  I  exposed  my  hidden  schools,  my 
mines,  and  my  vast  system  of  clandestine  factories 
and  work-shops  to  an  astonished  world.  That  is  to 
say,  I  exposed  the  nineteenth  century  to  the  inspec 
tion  of  the  sixth. 

Well  it  is  always  a  good  plan  to  follow  up  an  ad 
vantage  promptly.  The  knights  were  temporarily 
down,  but  if  I  would  keep  them  so  I  must  just  sim 
ply  paralyze  them — nothing  short  of  that  would  an 
swer.  You  see,  I  was  "  bluffing  "  that  last  time,  in 
the  field  ;  it  would  be  natural  for  them  to  work  around 
to  that  conclusion,  if  I  gave  them  a  chance.  So  I 
must  not  give  them  time:  and  I  didn't. 

I  renewed  my  challenge,  engraved  it  on  brass,  post 
ed  it  up  where  any  priest  could  read  it  to  them,  and 
also  kept  it  standing,  in  the  advertising  columns  of 
the  paper. 

I  not  only  renewed  it,  but  added  to  its  proportions. 
I  said,  name  the  day,  and  I  would  take  fifty  assistants 
and  stand  up  against  the  massed  chivalry  of  the  whole 
earth  and  destroy  it. 

I  was  not  bluffing  this  time.     I  meant  what  I  said ; 


I  could  do  what  I  promised.  There  wasn't  any  way 
to  misunderstand  the  language  of  that  challenge. 
Even  the  dullest  of  the  chivalry  perceived  that  this 
was  a  plain  case  of  "  put  up,  or  shut  up."  They  were 
wise  and  did  the  latter.  In  all  the  next  three  years 
they  gave  me  no  trouble  worth  mentioning. 

Consider  the  three  years  sped.  Now  look  around 
on  England.  A  happy  and  prosperous  country,  and 
strangely  altered.  Schools  everywhere,  and  several 
colleges  ;  a  number  of  pretty  good  newspapers.  Even 
authorship  was  taking  a  start ;  Sir  Dinadan  the  Hu 
morist  was  first  in  the  field,  with  a  volume  of  gray- 
headed  jokes  which  I  had  been  familiar  with  during 
thirteen  centuries.  If  he  had  left  out  that  old  rancid 
one  about  the  lecturer  I  wouldn't  have  said  anything ; 
but  I  couldn't  stand  that  one.  I  suppressed  the  book 
and  hanged  the  author. 

Slavery  was  dead  and  gone  ;  all  men  were  equal 
before  the  law;  taxation  had  been  equalized.  The 
telegraph,  the  telephone,  the  phonograph,  the  type 
writer,  the  sewing-machine,  and  all  the  thousand  will 
ing  and  handy  servants  of  steam  and  electricity  were 
working  their  way  into  favor.  We  had  a  steamboat 
or  two  on  the  Thames,  we  had  steam  war-ships,  and 
the  beginnings  of  a  steam  commercial  marine  ;  I  was 
getting  ready  to  send  out  an  expedition  to  discover 
America. 

We  were  building  several  lines  of  railway,  and  our 
line  from  Camelot  to  London  was  already  finished  and 
in  operation.  I  was  shrewd  enough  to  make  all  offices 
connected  with  the  passenger  service  places  of  high 
and  distinguished  honor.  My  idea  was  to  attract  the 
chivalry  and  nobility,  and  make  them  useful  and  keep 


them  out  of  mischief.  The  plan  worked  very  well, 
the  competition  for  the  places  was  hot.  The  conduct 
or  of  the  4.33  express  was  a  duke,  there  wasn't  a  pas 
senger  conductor  on  the  line  below  the  degree  of  earl. 
They  were  good  men,  every  one,  but  they  had  two 
defects  which  I  couldn't  cure,  and  so  had  to  wink  at : 
they  wouldn't  lay  aside  their  armor,  and  they  would 
"knock  down"  fares — I  mean  rob  the  company. 

There  was  hardly  a  knight  in  all  the  land  who 
wasn't  in  some  useful  employment.  They  were  going 
from  end  to  end  of  the  country  in  all  manner  of  use 
ful  missionary  capacities  ;  their  penchant  for  wander 
ing,  and  their  experience  in  it,  made  them  altogether 
the  most  effective  spreaders  of  civilization  we  had. 
They  went  clothed  in  steel  and  equipped  with  sword 
and  lance  and  battle-axe,  and  if  they  couldn't  per 
suade  a  person  to  try  a  sewing-machine  on  the  instal 
ment  plan,  or  a  melodeon,  or  a  barbed-wire  fence,  or 
a  prohibition  journal,  or  any  of  the  other  thousand 
and  one  things  they  canvassed  for,  they  removed  him 
and  passed  on. 

I  was  very  happy.  Things  were  working  steadily 
towards  a  secretly  longed-for  point.  You  see,  I  had 
two  schemes  in  my  head  which  were  the  vastest  of 
all  my  projects.  The  one  was,  to  overthrow  the  Cath 
olic  Church  and  set  up  the  Protestant  faith  on  its 
ruins — not  as  an  Established  Church,  but  a-go-as-you- 
please  one  ;  and  the  other  project  was,  to  get  a  decree 
issued  by -and -by,  commanding  that  upon  Arthur's 
death  unlimited  suffrage  should  be  introduced,  and 
given  to  men  and  women  alike  —  at  any  rate  to  all 
men,  wise  or  unwise,  and  to  all  mothers  who  at  mid 
dle  age  should  be  found  to  know  nearly  as  much  as 


their  sons  at  twenty-one.  Arthur  was  good  for  thirty 
years  yet,  he  being  about  my  own  age  —  that  is  to 
say,  forty — and  I  believed  that  in  that  time  I  could 
easily  have  the  active  part  of  the  population  of  that 
day  ready  and  eager  for  an  event  which  should  be  the 
first  of  its  kind  in  the  history  of  the  world — a  rounded 
and  complete  governmental  revolution  without  blood 
shed.  The  result  to  be  a  republic.  Well,  I  may  as 
well  confess,  though  I  do  feel  ashamed  when  I  think 
of  it  :  I  was  beginning  to  have  a  base  hankering  to  be 
its  first  president  myself.  Yes,  there  was  more  or  less 
human  nature  in  me ;  I  found  that  out. 

Clarence  was  with  me  as  concerned  the  revolution, 
but  in  a  modified  way.  His  idea  was  a  republic,  with 
out  privileged  orders  but  with  a  hereditary  royal  fam 
ily  at  the  head  of  it  instead  of  an  elective  chief  magis 
trate.  He  believed  that  no  nation  that  had  ever  known 
the  joy  of  worshipping  a  royal  family  could  ever  be 
robbed  of  it  and  not  fade  away  and  die  of  melancholy. 
I  urged  that  kings  were  dangerous.  He  said,  then 
have  cats.  He  was  sure  that  a  royal  family  of  cats 
would  answer  every  purpose.  They  would  be  as  use 
ful  as  any  other  royal  family,  they  would  know  as 
much,  they  would  have  the  same  virtues  and  the  same 
treacheries,  the  same  disposition  to  get  up  shindies 
with  other  royal  cats,  they  would  be  laughably  vain 
and  absurd  and  never  know  it,  they  would  be  wholly 
inexpensive  ;  finally,  they  would  have  as  sound  a  di 
vine  right  as  any  other  royal  house,  and  "Tom  VII., 
or  Tom  XL,  or  Tom  XIV.  by  the  grace  of  God  King," 
would  sound  as  well  as  it  would  when  applied  to  the 
ordinary  royal  tomcat  with  tights  on.  "  And  as  a 
rule,"  said  he,  in  his  neat  modern  English,  "  the  char- 


384 

acter  of  these  cats  would  be  considerably  above  the 
character  of  the  average  king,  and  this  would  be  an 
immense  moral  advantage  to  the  nation,  for  the  reason 
that  a  nation  always  models  its  morals  after  its  mon 
arch's.  The  worship  of  royalty  being  founded  in  un 
reason,  these  graceful  and  harmless  cats  would  easily 
become  as  sacred  as  any  other  royalties,  and  indeed 
more  so,  because  it  would  presently  be  noticed  that 
they  hanged  nobody,  beheaded  nobody,  imprisoned 
nobody,  inflicted  no  cruelties  or  injustices  of  any 
sort,  and  so  must  be  worthy  of  a  deeper  love  and  rev 
erence  than  the  customary  human  king,  and  would 
certainly  get  it.  The  eyes  of  the  whole  harried  world 
would  soon  be  fixed  upon  this  humane  and  gentle 
system,  and  royal  butchers  would  presently  begin  to 
disappear ;  their  subjects  would  fill  the  vacancies 
with  catlings  from  our  own  royal  house ;  we  should 
become  a  factory ;  we  should  supply  the  thrones  of 
the  world  ;  within  forty  years  all  Europe  would  be 
governed  by  cats,  and  we  should  furnish  the  cats. 
The  reign  of  universal  peace  would  begin  then,  to 

end  no  more  forever Me-e-e-yow-ow-ow-ow — 

fzt  ! — wow  /" 

Hang  him,  I  supposed  he  was  in  earnest,  and  was  be 
ginning  to  be  persuaded  by  him,  until  he  exploded  that 
cat-howl  and  startled  me  almost  out  of  my  clothes. 
But  he  never  could  be  in  earnest.  He  didn't  know 
what  it  was.  He  had  pictured  a  distinct  and  perfectly 
rational  and  feasible  improvement  upon  constitutional 
monarchy,  but  he  was  too  feather-headed  to  know  it, 
or  care  anything  about  it,  either.  I  was  going  to  give 
him  a  scolding,  but  Sandy  came  flying  in  at  that  mo 
ment,  wild  with  terror,  and  so  choked  with  sobs  that 


for  a  minute  she  could  not  get  her  voice.  I  ran  and 
took  her  in  my  arms,  and  lavished  caresses  upon  her 
and  said,  beseechingly: 

"  Speak,  darling,  speak  !     What  is  it  ?" 

Her  head  fell  limp  upon  my  bosom,  and  she  gasped, 
almost  inaudibly : 

"  HELLO,  CENTRAL!" 

"  Quick  !"  I  shouted  to  Clarence  ;  "  telephone  the 
king's  homeopath  to  come!" 

In  two  minutes  I  was  kneeling  by  the  child's  crib, 
and  Sandy  was  dispatching  servants  here,  there  arid 
everywhere,  all  over  the  palace.  I  took  in  the  situa 
tion  almost  at  a  glance — membraneous  croup !  I  bent 
down  and  whispered  : 

"  Wake  up,  sweetheart !     Hello-Central !" 

She  opened  her  soft  eyes  languidly,  and  made  out 
to  say— 

"  Papa." 

That  was  a  comfort.  She  was  far  from  dead,  yet. 
I  sent  for  preparations  of  sulphur,  I  rousted  out  the 
croup-kettle  myself ;  for  I  don't  sit  down  and  wait  for 
doctors  when  Sandy  or  the  child  is  sick.  I  knew  how 
to  nurse  both  of  them,  and  had  had  experience.  This 
little  chap  had  lived  in  my  arms  a  good  part  of  its 
small  life,  and  often  I  could  soothe  away  its  troubles 
and  get  it  to  laugh  through  the  tear-dews  on  its  eye 
lashes  when  even  its  mother  couldn't. 

Sir  Launcelot,  in  his  richest  armor,  came  striding 
along  the  great  hall,  now,  on  his  way  to  the  stock- 
board  ;  he  was  president  of  the  stock-board,  and  occu 
pied  the  Siege  Perilous,  which  he  had  bought  of  Sir 
Galahad  ;  for  the  stock-board  consisted  of  the  Knights 
of  the  Round  Table,  and  they  used  the  Round  Table 


386 

for  business  purposes,  now.  Seats  at  it  were  worth — 
well,  you  would  never  believe  the  figure,  so  it  is  no 
use  to  state  it.  Sir  Launcelot  was  a  bear,  and  he  had 
put  up  a  corner  in  one  of  the  new  lines,  and  was  just 
getting  ready  to  squeeze  the  shorts  to-day ;  but  what 
of  that  ?  He  was  the  same  old  Launcelot,  and  when 
he  glanced  in  as  he  was  passing  the  door  and  found 
out  that  his  pet  was  sick,  that  was  enough  for  him ; 
bulls  and  bears  might  fight  it  out  their  own  way  for 
all  him,  he  would  come  right  in  here  and  stand  by 
little  Hello-Central  for  all  he  was  worth.  And  that 
was  what  he  did.  He  shied  his  helmet  into  the  cor 
ner,  and  in  half  a  minute  he  had  a  new  wick  in  the 
alcohol  lamp  and  was  firing  up  on  the  croup-kettle. 
By  this  time  Sandy  had  built  a  blanket  canopy  over 
the  crib,  and  everything  was  ready. 

Sir  Launcelot  got  up  steam,  he  and  I  loaded  up  the 
kettle  with  unslaked  lime  and  carbolic  acid,  with  a 
touch  of  lactic  acid  added  thereto,  then  filled  the  thing 
up  with  water  and  inserted  the  steam-spout  under  the 
canopy.  Everything  was  ship-shape,  now,  and  we  sat 
down  on  either  side  of  the  crib  to  stand  our  watch. 
Sandy  was  so  grateful  and  so  comforted  that  she 
charged  a  couple  of  church-wardens  with  willow-bark 
and  sumach-tobacco  for  us,  and  told  us  to  smoke  as 
much  as  we  pleased,  it  couldn't  get  under  the  canopy, 
and  she  was  used  to  smoke,  being  the  first  lady  in  the 
land  who  had  ever  seen  a  cloud  blown.  Well,  there 
couldn't  be  a  more  contented  or  comfortable  sight 
than  Sir  Launcelot  in  his  noble  armor  sitting  in  gra 
cious  serenity  at  the  end  of  a  yard  of  snowy  church 
warden.  He  was  a  beautiful  man,  a  lovely  man,  and 
was  just  intended  to  make  a  wife  and  children  happy. 


But  of  course,  Guenever — however,  it's  no  use  to  cry 
over  what's  done  and  can't  be  helped. 

Well,  he  stood  watch -and -watch  with  me,  right 
straight  through,  for  three  days  and  nights,  till  the 
child  was  out  of  danger;  then  he  took  her  up  in  his 
great  arms  and  kissed  her,  with  his  plumes  fall 
ing  about  her  golden  head,  then  laid  her  softly  in 
Sandy's  lap  again  and  took  his  stately  way  down  the 
vast  hall,  between  the  ranks  of  admiring  men-at-arms 
and  menials,  and  so  disappeared.  And  no  instinct 
warned  me  that  I  should  never  look  upon  him  again 
in  this  world!  Lord,  what  a  world  of  heart-break 
it  is. 

The  doctors  said  we  must  take  the  child  away,  if 
we  would  coax  her  back  to  health  and  strength  again. 
And  she  must  have  sea-air.  So  we  took  a  man-of-war, 
and  a  suite  of  two  hundred  and  sixty  persons,  and 
went  cruising  about,  and  after  a  fortnight  of  this  we 
stepped  ashore  on  the  French  coast,  and  the  doctors 
thought  it  would  be  a  good  idea  to  make  something 
of  a  stay  there.  The  little  king  of  that  region  offered 
us  his  hospitalities,  and  we  were  glad  to  accept.  If  he 
had  had  as  many  conveniences  as  he  lacked,  we  should 
have  been  plenty  comfortable  enough  ;  even  as  it  was, 
we  made  out  very  well,  in  his  queer  old  castle,  by  the 
help  of  comforts  and  luxuries  from  the  ship. 

At  the  end  of  a  month  I  sent  the  vessel  home  for 
fresh  supplies,  and  for  news.  We  expected  her  back 
in  three  or  four  days.  She  would  bring  me,  along 
with  other  news,  the  result  of  a  certain  experiment 
which  I  had  been  starting.  It  was  a  project  of  mine 
to  replace  the  tournament  with  something  which  might 
furnish  an  escape  for  the  extra  steam  of  the  chivalry, 


388 

keep  those  bucks  entertained  and  out  of  mischief,  and 
at  the  same  time  preserve  the  best  thing  in  them, 
which  was  their  hardy  spirit  of  emulation.  I  had  had 
a  choice  band  of  them  in  private  training  for  some 
time,  and  the  date  was  now  arriving  for  their  first 
public  effort. 

This  experiment  was  base-ball.  In  order  to  give 
the  thing  vogue  from  the  start,  and  place  it  out  of  the 
reach  of  criticism,  I  chose  my  nines  by  rank,  not  ca 
pacity.  There  wasn't  a  knight  in  either  team  who 
wasn't  a  sceptred  sovereign.  As  for  material  of  this 
sort,  there  was  a  glut  of  it,  always,  around  Arthur. 
You  couldn't  throw  a  brick  in  any  direction  and  not 
cripple  a  king.  Of  course  I  couldn't  get  these  people 
to  leave  off  their  armor ;  they  wouldn't  do  that  when 
they  bathed.  They  consented  to  differentiate  the 
armor  so  that  a  body  could  tell  one  team  from  the 
other,  but  that  was  the  most  they  would  do.  So,  one 
of  the  teams  wore  chain-mail  ulsters,  and  the  other 
wore  plate-armor  made  of  my  new  Bessemer  steel. 
Their  practice  in  the  field  was  the  most  fantastic  thing 
I  ever  saw.  Being  ball-proof,  they  never  skipped  out 
of  the  way,  but  stood  still  and  took  the  result ;  when 
a  Bessemer  was  at  the  bat  and  a  ball  hit  him,  it  would 
bound  a  hundred  and  fifty  yards,  sometimes.  And 
when  a  man  was  running,  and  threw  himself  on  his 
stomach  to  slide  to  his  base,  it  was  like  an  iron-clad 
coming  into  port.  At  first  I  appointed  men  of  no 
rank  to  act  as  umpires,  but  I  had  to  discontinue  that. 
These  people  were  no  easier  to  please  than  other  nines. 
The  umpire's  first  decision  was  usually  his  last;  they 
broke  him  in  two  with  a  bat,  and  his  friends  toted  him 
home  on  a  shutter.  When  it  was  noticed  that  no  um- 


3^9 

pire  ever  survived  a  game,  umpiring  got  to  be  unpopu 
lar.  So  I  was  obliged  to  appoint  somebody  whose 
rank  and  lofty  position  under  the  government  would 
protect  him. 

Here  are  the  names  of  the  nines : 

BESSEMERS  ULSTERS 

KING  ARTHUR.  EMPEROR  Lucius. 

KING  LOT  OF  LOTHIAN.  KING  LOGRIS. 

KING  OF  NORTHGALIS.  KING  MARHALT  OF  IRELAND. 

KING  MARSIL.  KING  MORGANORE. 

KING  OF  LITTLE  BRITAIN.  KING  MARK  OF  CORNWALL. 

KING  LABOR.  KING  NENTRES  OF  GARLOT. 

KING  PELLAM  OF  LISTENGESE.  KING  MELIODAS  OF  LIONES. 

KING  BAGDEMAGUS.  KING  OF  THE  LAKE. 

KING  TOLLEME  LA  FEINTES.  THE  SOWDAN  OF  SYRIA. 
Umpire — CLARENCE. 

The  first  public  game  would  certainly  draw  fifty 
thousand  people  ;  and  for  solid  fun  would  be  worth 
going  around  the  world  to  see.  Everything  would  be 
favorable  ;  it  was  balmy  and  beautiful  spring  weather, 
now,  and  Nature  was  all  tailored  out  in  her  new 
clothes. 
26  CY 


CHAPTER    XLI 
THE      INTERDICT 

HOWEVER,  my  attention  was  suddenly  snatched 
from  such  matters ;  our  child  began  to  lose  ground 
again,  and  we  had  to  go  to  sitting  up  with  her,  her 
case  became  so  serious.  We  couldn't  bear  to  allow 
anybody  to  help,  in  this  service,  so  we  two  stood 
watch-and-watch,  day  in  and  day  out.  Ah,  Sandy, 
what  a  right  heart  she  had,  how  simple,  and  genuine, 
and  good  she  was !  She  was  a  flawless  wife  and 
mother ;  and  yet  I  had  married  her  for  no  other  par 
ticular  reason,  except  that  by  the  customs  of  chivalry 
she  was  my  property  until  some  knight  should  win  her 
from  me  in  the  field.  She  had  hunted  Britain  over 
for  me ;  had  found  me  at  the  hanging-bout  outside  of 
London,  and  had  straightway  resumed  her  old  place 
at  my  side  in  the  placidest  way  and  as  of  right.  I  was 
a  New  Englander,  and  in  my  opinion  this  sort  of 
partnership  would  compromise  her,  sooner  or  later. 
She  couldn't  see  how,  but  I  cut  argument  short  and 
we  had  a  wedding. 

Now  I  didn't  know  I  was  drawing  a  prize,  yet  that 
was  what  I  did  draw.  Within  the  twelvemonth  I  be 
came  her  worshipper  ;  and  ours  was  the  dearest  and 
perfectcst  comradeship  that  ever  was.  People  talk 
about  beautiful  friendships  between  two  persons  of 


391 

the  same  sex.  What  is  the  best  of  that  sort,  as  com 
pared  with  the  friendship  of  man  and  wife,  where  the 
best  impulses  and  highest  ideals  of  both  are  the  same  ? 
There  is  no  place  for  comparison  between  the  two 
friendships ;  the  one  is  earthly,  the  other  divine. 

In  my  dreams,  along  at  first,  I  still  wandered  thir 
teen  centuries  away,  and  my  unsatisfied  spirit  went 
calling  and  harking  all  up  and  down  the  unreplying 
vacancies  of  a  vanished  world.  Many  a  time  Sandy 
heard  that  imploring  cry  come  from  my  lips  in  my 
sleep.  With  a  grand  magnanimity  she  saddled  that 
cry  of  mine  upon  our  child,  conceiving  it  to  be  the 
name  of  some  lost  darling  of  mine.  It  touched  me  to 
tears,  and  it  also  nearly  knocked  me  off  my  feet,  too, 
when  she  smiled  up  in  my  face  for  an  earned  reward, 
and  played  her  quaint  and  pretty  surprise  upon  me: 

"  The  name  of  one  who  was  dear  to  thee  is  here  pre 
served,  here  made  holy,  and  the  music  of  it  will  abide 
alway  in  our  ears.  Now  thou'lt  kiss  me,  as  knowing 
the  name  I  have  given  the  child." 

But  I  didn't  know  it,  all  the  same.  I  hadn't  an 
idea  in  the  world  ,  but  it  would  have  been  cruel  to 
confess  it  and  spoil  her  pretty  game ;  so  I  never  let 
on,  but  said : 

"  Yes,  I  know,  sweetheart — how  dear  and  good  it  is 
of  you,  too !  But  I  want  to  hear  these  lips  of  yours, 
which  are  also  mine,  utter  it  first — then  its  music  will 
be  perfect." 

Pleased  to  the  marrow,  she  murmured — 

"  HELLO-CENTRAL!" 

I  didn't  laugh — I  am  always  thankful  for  that — but 
the  strain  ruptured  every  cartilage  in  me,  and  for  weeks 
afterward  I  could  hear  my  bones  clack  when  I  walked. 


392 

She  never  found  out  her  mistake.  The  first  time  she 
heard  that  form  of  salute  used  at  the  telephone  she 
was  surprised,  and  not  pleased ;  but  I  told  her  I  had 
given  order  for  it  :  that  henceforth  and  forever  the 
telephone  must  always  be  invoked  with  that  reverent 
formality,  in  perpetual  honor  and  remembrance  of  my 
lost  friend  and  her  small  namesake.  This  was  not 
true.  But  it  answered. 

Well,  during  two  weeks  and  a  half  we  watched  by 
the  crib,  and  in  our  deep  solicitude  we  were  uncon 
scious  of  any  world  outside  of  that  sick-room.  Then 
our  reward  came  :  the  centre  of  the  universe  turned 
the  corner  and  began  to  mend.  Grateful  ?  It  isn't 
the  term.  There  isrit  any  term  for  it.  You  know 
that,  yourself,  if  you've  watched  your  child  through 
the  Valley  of  the  Shadow  and  seen  it  come  back  to 
life  and  sweep  night  out  of  the  earth  with  one  all- 
illuminating  smile  that  you  could  cover  with  your 
hand. 

Why,  we  were  back  in  this  world  in  one  instant ! 
Then  we  looked  the  same  startled  thought  into  each 
other's  eyes  at  the  same  moment :  more  than  two 
weeks  gone,  and  that  ship  not  back  yet ! 

In  another  minute  I  appeared  in  the  presence  of 
my  train.  They  had  been  steeped  in  troubled  bod- 
ings  all  this  time — their  faces  showed  it.  I  called 
an  escort  and  we  galloped  five  miles  to  a  hill-top  over 
looking  the  sea.  Where  was  my  great  commerce  that 
so  lately  had  made  these  glistening  expanses  popu 
lous  and  beautiful  with  its  white-winged  flocks?  Van 
ished,  every  one  !  Not  a  sail,  from  verge  to  verge, 
not  a  smoke-bank — just  a  dead  and  empty  solitude, 
in  place  of  all  that  brisk  and  breezy  life. 


393 

I  went  swiftly  back,  saying  not  a  word  to  anybody. 
I  told  Sandy  this  ghastly  news.  We  could  imagine 
no  explanation  that  would  begin  to  explain.  Had 
there  been  an  invasion?  an  earthquake?  a  pestilence? 
Had  the  nation  been  swept  out  of  existence?  But 
guessing  was  profitless.  I  must  go — at  once.  I  bor 
rowed  the  king's  navy — a  "  ship  "  no  bigger  than  a 
steam  launch — and  was  soon  ready. 

The  parting — ah,  yes,  that  was  hard.  As  I  was 
devouring  the  child  with  last  kisses,  it  brisked  up  and 
jabbered  out  its  vocabulary  ! — the  first  time  in  more 
than  two  weeks,  and  it  made  fools  of  us  for  joy.  The 
darling  mispronunciations  of  childhood  ! — dear  me, 
there's  no  music  that  can  touch  it  ;  and  how  one 
grieves  when  it  wastes  away  and  dissolves  into  cor 
rectness,  knowing  it  will  never  visit  his  bereaved  ear 
again.  Well,  how  good  it  was  to  be  able  to  carry 
that  gracious  memory  away  with  me  ! 

I  approached  England  the  next  morning,  with  the 
wide  highway  of  salt  water  all  to  myself.  There  were 
ships  in  the  harbor,  at  Dover,  but  they  were  naked  as 
to  sails,  and  there  was  no  sign  of  life  about  them.  It 
was  Sunday ;  yet  at  Canterbury  the  streets  were  empty ; 
strangest  of  all,  there  was  not  even  a  priest  in  sight, 
and  no  stroke  of  a  bell  fell  upon  my  ear.  The  mourn- 
fulness  of  death  was  everywhere.  I  couldn't  under 
stand  it.  At  last,  in  the  further  edge  of  that  town  I 
saw  a  small  funeral  procession — just  a  family  and  a 
few  friends  following  a  coffin  —  no  priest;  a  funeral 
without  bell,  book  or  candle  ;  there  was  a  church 
there,  close  at  hand,  but  they  passed  it  by,  weeping, 
and  did  not  enter  it;  I  glanced  up  at  the  belfry,  and 
there  hung  the  bell,  shrouded  in  black,  and  its  tongue 


394 

tied  back.  Now  I  knew  !  Now  I  understood  the  stu 
pendous  calamity  that  had  overtaken  England.  In 
vasion?  Invasion  is  a  triviality  to  it.  It  was  the  IN 
TERDICT  ! 

I  asked  no  questions  •,  I  didn't  need  to  ask  any. 
The  Church  had  struck  ;  the  thing  for  me  to  do  was 
to  get  into  a  disguise,  and. go  warily.  One  of  my 
servants  gave  me  a  suit  of  his  clothes,  and  when  we 
were  safe  beyond  the  town  I  put  them  on,  and  from 
that  time  I  travelled  alone ;  I  could  not  risk  the  em 
barrassment  of  company. 

A  miserable  journey.  A  desolate  silence  every 
where.  Even  in  London  itself.  Traffic  had  ceased  ; 
men  did  not  talk  or  laugh,  or  go  in  groups,  or  even 
in  couples  ;  they  moved  aimlessly  about,  each  man 
by  himself,  with  his  head  down,  and  woe  and  terror 
at  his  heart.  The  Tower  showed  recent  war-scars. 
Verily,  much  had  been  happening. 

Of  course  I  meant  to  take  the  train  for  Camelot. 
Train  !  Why,  the  station  was  as  vacant  as  a  cavern. 
I  moved  on.  The  journey  to  Camelot  was  a  repeti 
tion  of  what  I  had  already  seen.  The  Monday  and 
the  Tuesday  differed  in  no  way  from  the  Sunday.  I 
arrived,  far  in  the  night.  From  being  the  best  elec 
tric-lighted  town  in  the  kingdom  and  the  most  like 
a  recumbent  sun  of  anything  you  ever  saw,  it  was  be 
come  simply  a  blot — a  blot  upon  darkness — that  is  to 
say,  it  was  darker  and  solider  than  the  rest  of  the 
darkness,  and  so  you  could  see  it  a  little  better  ;  it 
made  me  feel  as  if  maybe  it  was  symbolical — a  sort 
of  sign  that  the  Church  was  going  to  keep  the  upper 
hand,  now,  and  snuff  out  all  my  beautiful  civilization 
just  like  that.  I  found  no  life  stirring  in  the  sombre 


395 

streets.  I  groped  my  way  with  a  heavy  heart.  The 
vast  castle  loomed  black  upon  the  hill-top,  not  a  spark 
visible  about  it.  The  drawbridge  was  down,  the  great 
gate  stood  wide,  I  entered  without  challenge,  my  own 
heels  making  the  only  sound  I  heard — and  it  was  se 
pulchral  enough,  in  those  huge  vacant  courts. 


CHAPTER  XLII 
WAR! 

I  FOUND  Clarence,  alone  in  his  quarters,  drowned  in 
melancholy  ;  and  in  place  of  the  electric  light,  he  had 
reinstituted  the  ancient  rag -lamp,  and  sat  there  in  a 
grisly  twilight  with  all  curtains  drawn  tight.  He 
sprang  up  and  rushed  for  me  eagerly,  saying  : 

"  Oh,  it's  worth  a  billion  milrays  to  look  upon  a  live 
person  again  !" 

He  knew  me  as  easily  as  if  I  hadn't  been  disguised 
at  all.  Which  frightened  me  ;  one  may  easily  believe 
that. 

"  Quick,  now,  tell  me  the  meaning  of  this  fearful 
disaster,"  I  said.  "  How  did  it  come  about?" 

"  Well,  if  there  hadn't  been  any  Queen  Guenever,  it 
wouldn't  have  come  so  early;  but  it  would  have  come, 
anyway.  It  would  have  come  on  your  own  account, 
by -and -by;  by  luck,  it  happened  to  come  on  the 
queen's." 

"  And  Sir  Launcelot's  ?" 

"  Just  so." 

"  Give  me  the  details." 

"  I  reckon  you  will  grant  that  during  some  years 
there  has  been  only  one  pair  of  eyes  in  these  king 
doms  that  has  not  been  looking  steadily  askance  at 
the  queen  and  Sir  Launcelot — " 


397 

"  Yes,  King  Arthur's." 

" — and  only  one  heart  that  was  without  sus 
picion — " 

"Yes — the  king's;  a  heart  that  isn't  capable  of 
thinking  evil  of  a  friend." 

"  Well,  the  king  might  have  gone  on,  still  happy  and 
unsuspecting,  to  the  end  of  his  days,  but  for  one  of 
your  modern  improvements — the  stock-board.  When 
you  left,  three  miles  of  the  London,  Canterbury  and 
Dover  were  ready  for  the  rails,  and  also  ready  and  ripe 
for  manipulation  in  the  stock-market.  It  was  wild 
cat,  and  everybody  knew  it.  The  stock  was  for  sale  at 
a  give-away.  What  does  Sir  Launcelot  do,  but — " 

"  Yes,  I  know  ;  he  quietly  picked  up  nearly  all  of  it, 
for  a  song ;  then  he  bought  about  twice  as  much  more, 
deliverable  upon  call ,  and  he  was  about  to  call  when  I 
left." 

"  Very  well,  he  did  call.  The  boys  couldn't  deliver. 
Oh,  he  had  them  —  and  he  just  settled  his  grip  and 
squeezed  them.  They  were  laughing  in  their  sleeves 
over  their  smartness  in  selling  stock  to  him  at  15  and 
1 6  and  along  there,  that  wasn't  worth  10.  Well,  when 
they  had  laughed  long  enough  on  that  side  of  their 
mouths,  they  rested-up  that  side  by  shifting  the  laugh 
to  the  other  side.  That  was  when  they  compromised 
with  the  Invincible  at  283  !" 

"Good  land!" 

"He  skinned  them  alive,  and  they  deserved  it — any 
way,  the  whole  kingdom  rejoiced.  Well,  among  the 
flayed  were  Sir  Agravaine  and  Sir  Mordred,  nephews 
to  the  king.  End  of  the  first  act.  Act  second,  scene 
first,  an  apartment  in  Carlisle  castle,  where  the  court 
had  gone  for  a  few  day's  hunting.  Persons  present, 


the  whole  tribe  of  the  king's  nephews.  Mordred  and 
Agravaine  propose  to  call  the  guileless  Arthur's  atten 
tion  to  Guenever  and  Sir  Launcelot.  Sir  Gawaine, 
Sir  Gareth,  and  Sir  Gaheris  will  have  nothing  to  do 
with  it.  A  dispute  ensues,  with  loud  talk;  in  the 
midst  of  it,  enter  the  king.  Mordred  and  Agravaine 
spring  their  devastating  tale  upon  him.  Tableau.  A 
trap  is  laid  for  Launcelot,  by  the  king's  command,  and 
Sir  Launcelot  walks  into  it.  He  made  it  sufficiently 
uncomfortable  for  the  ambushed  witnesses — to-wit, 
Mordred,  Agravaine,  and  twelve  knights  of  lesser  rank, 
for  he  killed  every  one  of  them  but  Mordred  ;  but  of 
course  that  couldn't  straighten  matters  between  Laun 
celot  and  the  king,  and  didn't." 

"  Oh,  dear,  only  one  thing  could  result — I  see  that. 
War,  and  the  knights  of  the  realm  divided  into  a  king's 
party  and  a  Sir  Launcelot's  party." 

"  Yes — that  was  the  way  of  it.  The  king  sent  the 
queen  to  the  stake,  proposing  to  purify  her  with  fire. 
Launcelot  and  his  knights  rescued  her,  and  in  doing  it 
slew  certain  good  old  friends  of  yours  and  mine — in 
fact,  some  of  the  best  we  ever  had  ;  to-wit,  Sir  Belias 
le  Orgulous,  Sir  Segwarides,  Sir  Griflet  le  Fils  de  Dieu, 
Sir  Brandiles,  Sir  Aglovale — " 

"  Oh,  you  tear  out  my  heartstrings." 

"  — wait,  I'm  not  done  yet— Sir  Tor,  Sir  Gauter,  Sir 
Gillimer — 

"  The  very  best  man  in  my  subordinate  nine.  What 
a  handy  right-fielder  he  was !" 

"  — Sir  Reynold's  three  brothers,  Sir  Damus,  Sir 
Priamus,  Sir  Kay  the  Stranger — " 

"My  peerless  short -stop!  I've  seen  him  catch  a 
daisy-cutter  in  his  teeth.  Come,  I  can't  stand  this!" 


399 

"  — Sir  Driant,  Sir  Lambegus,  Sir  Herminde,  Sir  Per- 
tilope,  Sir  Perimones,  and — whom  do  you  think?" 

"  Rush  !     Go  on." 

"  Sir  Gaheris,  and  Sir  Gareth — both  !" 

"  Oh,  incredible  !  Their  love  for  Launcelot  was  in 
destructible." 

"  Well,  it  was  an  accident.  They  were  simply  on 
lookers  ;  they  were  unarmed,  and  were  merely  there  to 
witness  the  queen's  punishment.  Sir  Launcelot  smote 
down  whoever  came  in  the  way  of  his  blind  fury,  and 
he  killed  these  without  noticing  who  they  were.  Here 
is  an  instantaneous  photograph  one  of  our  boys  got  of 
the  battle  ;  it's  for  sale  on  every  news  stand.  There — 
the  figures  nearest  the  queen  are  Sir  Launcelot  with 
his  sword  up,  and  Sir  Gareth  gasping  his  latest  breath. 
You  can  catch  the  agony  in  the  queen's  face  through 
the  curling  smoke.  It's  a  rattling  battle-picture." 

"Indeed  it  is.  We  must  take  good  care  of  it;  its 
historical  value  is  incalculable.  Go  on." 

"  Well,  the  rest  of  the  tale  is  just  war,  pure  and  sim 
ple.  Launcelot  retreated  to  his  town  and  castle  of 
Joyous  Gard,  and  gathered  there  a  great  following  of 
knights.  The  king,  with  a  great  host,  went  there,  and 
there  was  desperate  fighting  during  several  days,  and 
as  a  result,  all  the  plain  around  was  paved  with  corpses 
and  cast  iron.  Then  the  Church  patched  up  a  peace 
between  Authur  and  Launcelot  and  the  queen  and 
everybody — everybody  but  Sir  Gawaine.  He  was  bit 
ter  about  the  slaying  of  his  brothers,  Gareth  and  Ga 
heris,  and  would  not  be  appeased.  He  notified  Laun 
celot  to  get  him  thence,  and  make  swift  preparation, 
and  look  to  be  soon  attacked.  So  Launcelot  sailed  to 
his  Duchy  of  Guienne,  with  his  following,  and  Gawaine 


400 

soon  followed,  with  an  army,  and  he  beguiled  Arthur 
to  go  with  him.  Arthur  left  the  kingdom  in  Sir  Mor- 
dred's  hands  until  you  should  return— 

"Ah — a  king's  customary  wisdom  !" 

"  Yes.  Sir  Mordred  set  himself  at  once  to  work  to 
make  his  kingship  permanent.  He  was  going  to  marry 
Guenever,  as  a  first  move ;  but  she  fled  and  shut  her 
self  up  in  the  Tower  of  London.  Mordred  attacked  : 
the  Bishop  of  Canterbury  dropped  down  on  him  with 
the  Interdict.  The  king  returned  ;  Mordred  fought 
him  at  Dover,  at  Canterbury,  and  again  at  Barham 
Down.  Then  there  was  talk  of  peace  and  a  compo 
sition.  Terms,  Mordred  to  have  Cornwall  and  Kent 
during  Arthur's  life,  and  the  whole  kingdom  afterward." 

"  Well,  upon  my  word  !  My  dream  of  a  republic  to 
be  a  dream,  and  so  remain." 

"  Yes.  The  two  armies  lay  near  Salisbury.  Ga- 
waine — Gawaine's  head  is  at  Dover  Castle,  he  fell  in 
the  fight  there  —  Gawaine  appeared  to  Arthur  in  a 
dream,  at  least  his  ghost  did,  and  warned  him  to  refrain 
from  conflict  for  a  month,  let  the  delay  cost  what 
it  might.  But  battle  was  precipitated  by  an  acci 
dent.  Arthur  had  given  order  that  if  a  sword  was 
raised  during  the  consultation  over  the  proposed  treaty 
with  Mordred,  sound  the  trumpet  and  fall  on !  for  he 
had  no  confidence  in  Mordred.  Mordred  had  given  a 
similar  order  to  his  people.  Well,  by-and-by  an  adder 
bit  a  knight's  heel  ;  the  knight  forgot  all  about  the 
order,  and  made  a  slash  at  the  adder  with  his  sword. 
Inside  of  half  a  minute  those  two  prodigious  hosts 
came  together  with  a  crash !  They  butchered  away 
all  day.  Then  the  king  —  however,  we  have  started 
something  fresh  since  you  left — our  paper  has." 


401 

11  No?     What  is  that?" 

"  War  correspondence !" 

"  Why,  that's  good." 

"Yes,  the  paper  was  booming  right  along,  for  the 
Interdict  made  no  impression,  got  no  grip,  while  the 
war  lasted.  I  had  war  correspondents  with  both 
armies.  I  will  finish  that  battle  by  reading  you  what 
one  of  the  boys  says : 

Then  the  king  looked  about  him,  and  then  was  he  ware 
of  all  his  host  and  of  all  his  good  knights  were  left  no  more  on 
live  but  two  knights,  that  was  Sir  Lucan  de  Butlere,  and  his 
brother  Sir  Bedivere  :  and  they  were  full  sore  wounded.  Jesu 
mercy,  said  the  king,  where  are  all  my  noble  knights  becomen  ? 
Alas  that  ever  I  should  see  this  doleful  day.  For  now,  said 
Arthur,  I  am  come  to  mine  end.  But  would  to  God  that  I 
wist  where  were  that  traitor  Sir  Mordred,  that  hath  caused  all 
this  mischief.  Then  was  King  Arthur  ware  where  Sir  Mordred 
leaned  upon  his  sword  among  a  great  heap  of  dead  men.  Now 
give  me  my  spear,  said  Arthur  unto  Sir  Lucan,  for  yonder  I 
have  espied  the  traitor  that  all  this  woe  hath  wrought.  Sir,  let 
him  be,  said  Sir  Lucan,  for  he  is  unhappy;  and  if  ye  pass  this 
unhappy  day,  ye  shall  be  right  well  revenged  upon  him.  Good 
lord,  remember  ye  of  your  night's  dream,  and  what  the  spirit 
of  Sir  Gawaine  told  you  this  night,  yet  God  of  his  great  good 
ness  hath  preserved  you  hitherto.  Therefore,  for  God's  sake, 
my  lord,  leave  off  by  this.  For  blessed  be  God  ye  have  won 
the  field :  for  here  we  be  three  on  live,  and  with  Sir  Mordred 
is  none  on  live.  And  if  ye  leave  off  now,  this  wicked  day  of 
destiny  is  past.  Tide  me  death,  betide  me  life,  saith  the  king, 
now  I  see  him  yonder  alone,  he  shall  never  escape  mine  hands, 
for  at  a  better  avail  shall  I  never  have  him.  God  speed  you 
well,  said  Sir  Bedivere.  Then  the  king  gat  his  spear  in  both 
his  hands,  and  ran  toward  Sir  Mordred,  crying,  Traitor,  now  is 
thy  death  day  come.  And  when  Sir  Mordred  heard  Sir  Arthur, 
he  ran  until  him  with  his  sword  drawn  in  his  hand.  And  then 
King  Arthur  smote  Sir  Mordred  under  the  shield,  with  a  foin 


402 


of  his  spear  throughout  the  body  more  than  a  fathom.  And 
when  Sir  Mordred  felt  that  he  had  his  death's  wound,  he 
thrust  himself,  with  the  might  that  he  had,  up  to  the  but  of 
King  Arthur's  spear.  And  right  so  he  smote  his  father  Arthur 
with  his  sword  holden  in  both  his  hands,  on  the  side  of  the 
head,  that  the  sword  pierced  the  helmet  and  the  brain-pan,  and 
therewithal  Sir  Mordred  fell  stark  dead  to  the  earth.  And  the 
noble  Arthur  fell  in  a  swoon  to  the  earth,  and  there  he  swooned 
oft-times. 

"  That  is  a  good  piece  of  war  correspondence,  Clar 
ence  ;  you  are  a  first-rate  newspaper  man.  Well — is 
the  king  all  right  ?  Did  he  get  well  ?" 

"  Poor  soul,  no.     He  is  dead." 

I  was  utterly  stunned ;  it  had  not  seemed  to  me  that 
any  wound  could  be  mortal  to  him. 

"  And  the  queen,  Clarence?" 

"  She  is  a  nun,  in  Almesbury." 

"  What  changes  !  and  in  such  a  short  while.  It  is  in 
conceivable.  What  next,  I  wonder?" 

"  I  can  tell  you  what  next." 

"Well?" 

"  Stake  our  lives  and  stand  by  them  !" 

"What  do  you  mean  by  that?" 

"The  Church  is  master,  now.  The  Interdict  in 
cluded  you  with  Mordred  ;  it  is  not  to  be  removed 
while  you  remain  alive.  The  clans  are  gathering.  The 
Church  has  gathered  all  the  knights  that  are  left  alive, 
and  as  soon  as  you  are  discovered  we  shall  have  busi 
ness  on  our  hands." 

"  Stuff  !  With  our  deadly  scientific  war-material ; 
with  our  hosts  of  trained — " 

"Save  your  breath — we  haven't  sixty  faithful 
left !'-' 


403 

"What  are  you  saying?  Our  schools,  our  colleges, 
our  vast  workshops,  our — 

"  When  those  knights  come,  those  establishments 
will  empty  themselves  and  go  over  to  the  enemy.  Did 
you  think  you  had  educated  the  superstition  out  of 
those  people?" 

"  I  certainly  did  think  it." 

"  Well,  then,  you  may  unthink  it.  They  stood  every 
strain  easily — until  the  Interdict.  Since  then,  they 
merely  put  on  a  bold  outside — at  heart  they  are  quak 
ing.  Make  up  your  mind  to  it — when  the  armies  come, 
the  mask  will  fall." 

"  It's  hard  news.  We  are  lost.  They  will  turn  our 
own  science  against  us." 

"  No  they  won't." 

"Why?" 

"  Because  I  and  a  handful  of  the  faithful  have 
blocked  that  game.  I'll  tell  you  what  I've  done,  and 
what  moved  me  to  it.  Smart  as  you  are,  the  Church 
was  smarter.  It  was  the  Church  that  sent  you  cruis 
ing — through  her  servants  the  doctors." 

"Clarence!" 

"  It  is  the  truth.  I  know  it.  Every  officer  of  your 
ship  was  the  Church's  picked  servant,  and  so  was 
every  man  of  the  crew." 

"  Oh,  come  !" 

"  It  is  just  as  I  tell  you.  I  did  not  find  out  these 
things  at  once,  but  I  found  them  out  finally.  Did 
you  send  me  verbal  information,  by  the  commander 
of  the  ship,  to  the  effect  that  upon  his  return  to  you, 
with  supplies,  you  were  going  to  leave  Cadiz — " 

"  Cadiz  !     I  haven't  been  at  Cadiz  at  all !" 

"  — going  to  leave  Cadiz  and  cruise  in  distant  seas 


404 

indefinitely,  for  the  health  of  your  family?  Did  you 
send  me  that  word  ?" 

"  Of  course  not.  I  would  have  written,  wouldn't 
I?" 

"  Naturally.  I  was  troubled  and  suspicious.  When 
the  commander  sailed  again  I  managed  to  ship  a  spy 
with  him.  I  have  never  heard  of  vessel  or  spy  since. 
I  gave  myself  two  weeks  to  hear  from  you  in.  Then 
I  resolved  to  send  a  ship  to  Cadiz.  There  was  a 
reason  why  I  didn't." 

"  What  was  that  ?" 

"  Our  navy  had  suddenly  and  mysteriously  disap 
peared  !  Also  as  suddenly  and  as  mys.  2riously,  the 
railway  and  telegraph  and  telephone  service  ceased, 
the  men  all  deserted,  poles  were  cut  down,  the  Church 
laid  a  ban  upon  the  electric  light  !  I  had  to  be  up  and 
doing — and  straight  off.  Your  life  was  safe — nobody 
in  these  kingdoms  but  Merlin  would  venture  to  touch 
such  a  magician  as  you  without  ten  thousand  men  at 
his  back — I  had  nothing  to  think  of  but  how  to  put 
preparations  in  the  best  trim  against  your  coming.  I 
felt  safe  myself — nobody  would  be  anxious  to  touch  a 
pet  of  yours.  So  this  is  what  I  did.  From  our  vari 
ous  works  I  selected  all  the  men — boys  I  mean— 
whose  faithfulness  under  whatsoever  pressure  I  could 
swear  to,  and  I  called  them  together  secretly  and  gave 
them  their  instructions.  There  are  fifty-two  of  them  ; 
none  younger  than  fourteen,  and  none  above  seven 
teen  years  old." 

"  Why  did  you  select  boys  ?" 

"  Because  all  the  others  were  born  in  an  atmosphere 
of  superstition  and  reared  in  it.  It  is  in  their  blood 
and  bones.  We  imagined  we  had  educated  it  out  of 


4Q5 

them  ;  they  thought  so,  too;  the  Interdict  woke  them 
up  like  a  thunderclap!  It  revealed  them  to  them 
selves,  and  it  revealed  them  to  me,  too.  With  boys  it 
was  different.  Such  as  have  been  under  our  training 
from  seven  to  ten  years  have  had  no  acquaintance 
with  the  Church's  terrors,  and  it  was  among  these  that 
I  found  my  fifty-two.  As  a  next  move,  I  paid  a  pri 
vate  visit  to  that  old  cave  of  Merlin's — not  the  small 
one — the  big  one — " 

"  Yes,  the  one  where  we  secretly  established  our 
first  great  electric  plant  when  I  was  projecting  a 
miracle." 

"  Just  so.  And  as  that  miracle  hadn't  become  nec 
essary  then,  I  thought  it  might  be  a  good  idea  to 
utilize  the  plant  now.  I've  provisioned  the  cave  for  a 
siege—" 

"  A  good  idea,  a  first-rate  idea." 

"  I  think  so.  I  placed  four  of  my  boys  there  as  a 
guard — inside,  and  out  of  sight.  Nobody  was  to  be 
hurt — while  outside  ;  but  any  attempt  to  enter — well, 
we  said  just  let  anybody  try  it !  Then  I  went  out 
into  the  hills  and  uncovered  and  cut  the  secret  wires 
which  connected  your  bedroom  with  the  wires  that  go 
to  the  dynamite  deposits  under  all  our  vast  factories, 
mills,  workshops,  magazines,  etc.,  and  about  midnight 
I  and  my  boys  turned  out  and  connected  that  wire 
with  the  cave,  and  nobody  but  you  and  I  suspects 
where  the  other  end  of  it  goes  to.  We  laid  it  under 
ground,  of  course,  and  it  was  all  finished  in  a  couple 
of  hours  or  so.  We  sha'n't  have  to  leave  our  fortress, 
now,  when  we  want  to  blow  up  our  civilization." 

"It  was  the  right  move  —  and  the  natural  one;  a 
military  necessity,  in  the  changed  condition  of  things. 


406 

Well,  what  changes  have  come  !  We  expected  to  be 
besieged  in  the  palace  some  time  or  other,  but — how 
ever,  go  on." 

"  Next,  we  built  a  wire  fence." 

"Wire  fence?" 

"  Yes.  You  dropped  the  hint  of  it  yourself,  two  or 
three  years  ago." 

"  Oh,  I  remember — the  time  the  Church  tried  her 
strength  against  us  the  first  time,  and  presently 
thought  it  wise  to  wait  for  a  hopefuler  season.  Well, 
how  have  you  arranged  the  fence  ?" 

"I  start  twelve  immensely  strong  wires  —  naked, 
not  insulated — from  a  big  dynamo  in  the  cave — dy 
namo  with  no  brushes  except  a  positive  and  a  nega 
tive  one — " 

"  Yes,  that's  right." 

"The  wires  go  out  from  the  cave  and  fence  in  a  cir 
cle  of  level  ground  a  hundred  yards  in  diameter ;  they 
make  twelve  independent  fences,  ten  feet  apart — that 
is  to  say,  twelve  circles  within  circles — and  their  ends 
come  into  the  cave  again." 

"  Right ;  go  on." 

"  The  fences  are  fastened  to  heavy  oaken  posts 
only  three  feet  apart,  and  these  posts  are  sunk  five  feet 
in  the  ground." 

"  That  is  good  and  strong." 

"Yes.  The  wires  have  no  ground-connection  out 
side  of  the  cave.  They  go  out  from  the  positive 
brush  of  the  dynamo  ;  there  is  a  ground-connection 
through  the  negative  brush ;  the  other  ends  of  the 
wire  return  to  the  cave,  and  each  is  grounded  inde 
pendently." 

"  No-no,  that  won't  do  !" 


4Q7 

-Why?" 

"  It's  too  expensive — uses  up  force  for  nothing. 
You  don't  want  any  ground-connection  except  the 
one  through  the  negative  brush.  The  other  end  of 
every  wire  must  be  brought  back  into  the  cave  and  fast 
ened  independently,  and  without  any  ground-connec 
tion.  Now,  then,  observe  the  economy  of  it.  A  cav 
alry  charge  hurls  itself  against  the  fence ;  you  are 
using  no  power,  you  are  spending  no  money,  for  there 
is  only  one  ground-connection  till  those  horses  come 
against  the  wire  ;  the  moment  they  touch  it  they  form 
a  connection  with  the  negative  brush  through  the 
ground,  and  drop  dead.  Don't  you  see  ? — you  are 
using  no  energy  until  it  is  needed  ;  your  lightning  is 
there,  and  ready,  like  the  load  in  a  gun  ;  but  it  isn't 
costing  you  a  cent  till  you  touch  it  off.  Oh,  yes,  the 
single  ground-connection— 

"  Of  course  !  I  don't  know  how  I  overlooked  that. 
It's  not  only  cheaper,  but  it's  more  effectual  than  the 
other  way,  for  if  wires  break  or  get  tangled,  no  harm 
is  done." 

"  No,  especially  if  we  have  a  tell-tale  in  the  cave 
and  disconnect  the  broken  wire.  Well,  go  on.  The 
gatlings?" 

"Yes — that's  arranged.  In  the  centre  of  the  inner 
circle,  on  a  spacious  platform  six  feet  high,  I've 
grouped  a  battery  of  thirteen  gatling  guns,  and  pro 
vided  plenty  of  ammunition." 

"  That's  it.  They  command  every  approach,  and 
when  the  Church's  knights  arrive,  there's  going  to  be 
music.  The  brow  of  the  precipice  over  the  cave — " 

"  I've  got  a  wire  fence  there,  and  a  gatling.  They 
won't  drop  any  rocks  down  on  us." 


408 

"  Well,  and  the  glass-cylinder  dynamite  torpedoes?" 

"  That's  attended  to.  It's  the  prettiest  garden  that 
was  ever  planted.  It's  a  belt  forty  feet  wide,  and  goes 
around  the  outer  fence — distance  between  it  and  the 
fence  one  hundred  yards — kind  of  neutral  ground,  that 
space  is.  There  isn't  a  single  square  yard  of  that 
whole  belt  but  is  equipped  with  a  torpedo.  We  laid 
them  on  the  surface  of  the  ground,  and  sprinkled  a 
layer  of  sand  over  them.  It's  an  innocent  looking 
garden,  but  you  let  a  man  start  in  to  hoe  it  once,  and 
you'll  see." 

"You  tested  the  torpedoes?" 

"  Well,  I  was  going  to,  but — " 

"  But  what  ?  Why,  it's  an  immense  oversight  not 
to  apply  a — 

"  Test  ?  Yes,  I  know  ;  but  they're  all  right ;  I  laid 
a  few  in  the  public  road  beyond  our  lines  and  they've 
been  tested." 

"  Oh,  that  alters  the  case.     Who  did  it  ?" 

"A  Church  committee." 

"  How  kind  !" 

"Yes.  They  came  to  command  us  to  make  sub 
mission.  You  see  they  didn't  really  come  to  test  the 
torpedoes  ;  that  was  merely  an  incident." 

"  Did  the  committee  make  a  report  ?" 

"  Yes,  they  made  one.  You  could  have  heard  it  a 
mile." 

"  Unanimous  ?" 

"  That  was  the  nature  of  it.  After  that  I  put  up 
some  signs,  for  the  protection  of  future  committees, 
and  we  have  had  no  intruders  since." 

"  Clarence,  you've  done  a  world  of  work,  and  done 
it  perfectly." 


4Q9 

"  We  had  plenty  of  time  for  it ;  there  wasn't  any  oc 
casion  for  hurry." 

We  sat  silent  awhile,  thinking.  Then  my  mind  was 
made  up,  and  I  said  : 

"Yes,  everything  is  ready;  everything  is  ship-shape, 
no  detail  is  wanting.  I  know  what  to  do,  now." 

"  So  do  I :  sit  down  and  wait." 

"  No,  sir!  rise  up  and  strike /" 

"  Do  you  mean  it?" 

"  Yes,  indeed  !  The  defensive  isn't  in  my  line,  and 
the  0/fensive  is.  That  is,  when  I  hold  a  fair  hand — 
two-thirds  as  good  a  hand  as  the  enemy.  Oh,  yes, 
we'll  rise  up  and  strike  ;  that's  our  game." 

"  A  hundred  to  one,  you  are  right.  When  does  the 
performance  begin  ?" 

"  Now  !     We'll  proclaim  the  Republic." 

"  Well,  that  will  precipitate  things,  sure  enough  !" 

"  It  will  make  them  buzz,  /  tell  you  !  England  will 
be  a  hornet's  nest  before  noon  to-morrow,  if  the 
Church's  hand  hasn't  lost  its  cunning — and  we  know 
it  hasn't.  Now  you  write  and  I'll  dictate — thus: 

••  PROCLAMATION 


"  BE  IT  KNOWN  UNTO  ALL.  Whereas  the  king  hav 
ing  died  and  left  no  heir,  it  becomes  my  duty  to  continue  the 
executive  authority  vested  in  me,  until  a  government  shall 
have  been  created  and  set  in  motion.  The  monarchy  has 
lapsed,  it  no  longer  exists.  By  consequence,  all  political  power 
has  reverted  to  its  original  source,  the  people  of  the  nation. 
With  the  monarchy,  its  several  adjuncts  died  also;  wherefore 
there  is  no  longer  a  nobility,  no  longer  a  privileged  class,  no 
longer  an  Established  Church  :  all  men  are  become  exactly 
equal,  they  are  upon  one  common  level,  and  religion  is  free. 


4io 

A  Republic  zs  hereby  proclaimed,  as  being  the  natural  estate  of 
a  nation  when  other  authority  has  ceased.  It  is  the  duty  of 
the  British  people  to  meet  together  immediately,  and  by  their 
votes  elect  representatives  and  deliver  into  their  hands  the 
government." 

I  signed  it  "  The  Boss,"  and  dated  it  from  Merlin's 
Cave.  Clarence  said  : 

"  Why,  that  tells  where  we  are,  and  invites  them  to 
call  right  away." 

"  That  is  the  idea.  We  strike — by  the  Proclama 
tion — then  it's  their  innings.  Now  have  the  thing  set 
up  and  printed  and  posted,  right  off ;  that  is,  give  the 
order;  thqn,  if  you've  got  a  couple  of  bicycles  handy 
at  the  foot  of  the  hill,  ho  for  Merlin's  Cave  !" 

"  I  shall  be  ready  in  ten  minutes.  What  a  cyclone 
there  is  going  to  be  to-morrow  when  this  piece  of 
paper  gets  to  work ! It's  a  pleasant  old  pal 
ace,  this  is;  I  wonder  if  we  shall  ever  again  —  but 
never  mind  about  that." 


CHAPTER    XLIII 
THE    BATTLE    OF   THE    SAND-BELT 

IN  Merlin's  Cave  —  Clarence  and  I  and  fifty -two 
fresh,  bright,  well-educated,  clean-minded  young  Brit 
ish  boys.  At  dawn  I  sent  an  order  to  the  factories 
and  to  all  our  great  works  to  stop  operations  and  re 
move  all  life  to  a  safe  distance,  as  everything  was  go 
ing  to  be  blown  up  by  secret  mines,  "  and  no  telling 
at  what  moment — tJicrefore,  vacate  at  once"  These 
people  knew  me,  and  had  confidence  in  my  word. 
They  would  clear  out  without  waiting  to  part  their 
hair,  and  I  could  take  my  own  time  about  dating  the 
explosion.  You  couldn't  hire  one  of  them  to  go  back 
during  the  century,  if  the  explosion  was  still  impending. 

We  had  a  week  of  waiting.  It  was  not  dull  for  me, 
because  I  was  writing  all  the  time.  During  the  first 
three  days,  I  finished  turning  my  old  diary  into  this 
narrative  form  ;  it  only  required  a  chapter  or  so  to 
bring  it  down  to  date.  The  rest  of  the  week  I  took 
up  in  writing  letters  to  my  wife.  It  was  always  my 
habit  to  write  to  Sandy  every  day,  whenever  we  were 
separate,  and  now  I  kept  up  the  habit  for  love  of  it, 
and  of  her,  though  I  couldn't  do  anything  with  the 
letters,  of  course,  after  I  had  written  them.  But  it 
put  in  the  time,  you  see,  and  was  almost  like  talking; 
it  was  almost  as  if  I  was  saying,  "  Sandy,  if  you  and 


412 

Hello-Central  were  here  in  the  cave,  instead  of  only 
your  photographs,  what  good  times  we  could  have !" 
And  then,  you  know,  I  could  imagine  the  baby  goo- 
gooing  something  out  in  reply,  with  its  fists  in  its 
mouth  and  itself  stretched  across  its  mother's  lap 
on  its  back,  and  she  a-laughing  and  admiring  and  wor 
shipping,  and  now  and  then  tickling  under  the  baby's 
chin  to  set  it  cackling,  and  then  maybe  throwing  in  a 
word  of  answer  to  me  herself — and  so  on  and  so  on — 
well,  don't  you  know,  I  could  sit  there  in  the  cave 
with  my  pen,  and  keep  it  up,  that  way,  by  the  hour 
with  them.  Why,  it  was  almost  like  having  us  all  to 
gether  again. 

I  had  spies  out,  every  night,  of  course,  to  get  news. 
Every  report  made  things  look  more  and  more  im 
pressive.  The  hosts  were  gathering,  gathering  ;  down 
all  the  roads  and  paths  of  England  the  knights  were 
riding,  and  priests  rode  with  them,  to  hearten  these 
original  Crusaders,  this  being  the  Church's  war.  All 
the  nobilities,  big  and  little,  were  on  their  way,  and 
all  the  gentry.  This  was  all  as  was  expected.  We 
should  thin  out  this  sort  of  folk  to  such  a  degree  that 
the  people  would  have  nothing  to  do  but  just  step  to 
the  front  with  their  republic  and — 

Ah,  what  a  donkey  I  was !  Toward  the  end  of  the 
week  I  began  to  get  this  large  and  disenchanting  fact 
through  my  head :  that  the  mass  of  the  nation  had 
swung  their  caps  and  shouted  for  the  republic  for 
about  one  day,  and  there  an  end !  The  Church,  the 
nobles,  and  the  gentry  then  turned  one  grand,  all-dis 
approving  frown  upon  them  and  shrivelled  them  into 
sheep !  From  that  moment  the  sheep  had  begun  to 
gather  to  the  fold — that  is  to  say,  the  camps — and 


413 

offer  their  valueless  lives  and  their  valuablk  wool  to 
the  "  righteous  cause."  Why,  even  the  very  men 
who  had  lately  been  slaves  were  in  the  "  righteous 
cause,"  and  glorifying  it,  praying  for  it,  sentimentally 
slabbering  over  it,  just  like  all  the  other  commoners. 
Imagine  such  human  muck  as  this;  conceive  of  this 
folly ! 

Yes,  it  was  now  "  Death  to  the  Republic !"  every 
where —  not  a  dissenting  voice.  All  England  was 
marching  against  us !  Truly  this  was  more  than  I 
had  bargained  for. 

I  watched  my  fifty -two  boys  narrowly;  watched 
their  faces,  their  walk,  their  unconscious  attitudes: 
for  all  these  are  a  language— a  language  given  us  pur 
posely  that  it  may  betray  us  in  times  of  emergency, 
when  we  have  secrets  which  we  want  to  keep.  I  knew 
that  that  thought  would  keep  saying  itself  over  and 
over  again  in  their  minds  and  hearts,  All  England  is 
inarching  against  us  !  and  ever  more  strenuously  im 
ploring  attention  with  each  repetition,  ever  more 
sharply  realizing  itself  to  their  imaginations,  until 
even  in  their  sleep  they  would  find  no  rest  from  it, 
but  hear  the  vague  and  flitting  creatures  of  their 
dreams  say,  All  England — ALL  ENGLAND  ! — is  march 
ing  against  you  !  I  knew  all  this  would  happen  ;  I  knew 
that  ultimately  the  pressure  would  become  so  great 
that  it  would  compel  utterance  ;  therefore,  I  must  be 
ready  with  an  answer  at  that  time — an  answer  well 
chosen  and  tranquillizing. 

I  was  right.  The  time  came.  They  had  to  speak. 
Poor  lads,  it  was  pitiful  to  see,  they  were  so  pale,  so 
worn,  so  troubled.  At  first  their  spokesman  could 
hardly  find  voice  or  words  ;  but  he  presently  got  both. 


414 

This  is  what  he  said — and  he  put  it  in  the  neat  mod 
ern  English  taught  him  in  my  schools : 

"  We  have  tried  to  forget  what  we  are — English 
boys !  We  have  tried  to  put  reason  before  sentiment, 
duty  before  love ;  our  minds  approve,  but  our  hearts 
reproach  us.  While  apparently  it  was  only  the  nobil 
ity,  only  the  gentry,  only  the  twenty -five  or  thirty 
thousand  knights  left  alive  out  of  the  late  wars,  we 
were  of  one  mind,  and  undisturbed  by  any  troubling 
doubt ;  each  and  every  one  of  these  fifty-two  lads  who 
stand  here  before  you,  said,  *  They  have  chosen — it  is 
their  affair.'  But  think  ! — the  matter  is  altered — all 
England  is  marching  against  us!  Oh,  sir,  consider! 
— reflect ! — these  people  are  our  people,  they  are  bone 
of  our  bone,  flesh  of  our  flesh,  we  love  them — do  not 
ask  us  to  destroy  our  nation !" 

Well,  it  shows  the  value  of  looking  ahead,  and  be 
ing  ready  for  a  thing  when  it  happens.  If  I  hadn't 
foreseen  this  thing  and  been  fixed,  that  boy  would 
have  had  me ! — I  couldn't  have  said  a  word.  But  I 
was  fixed.  I  said  : 

"  My  boys,  your  hearts  are  in  the  right  place,  you 
have  thought  the  worthy  thought,  you  have  done  the 
worthy  thing.  You  are  English  boys,  you  will  remain 
English  boys,  and  you  will  keep  that  name  unsmirched. 
Give  yourselves  no  further  concern,  let  your  minds  be 
at  peace.  Consider  this:  while  all  England  is  march 
ing  against  us,  who  is  in  the  van  ?  Who,  by  the  com 
monest  rules  of  war,  will  march  in  the  front  ?  An 
swer  me." 

"  The  mounted  host  of  mailed  knights." 

"  True.  They  are  30,0x30  strong.  Acres  deep,  they 
will  march.  Now,  observe :  none  but  they  will  ever 


41$ 

strike  the  sand-belt :  Then  there  will  be  an  episode  ! 
Immediately  after,  the  civilian  multitude  in  the  rear 
will  retire,  to  meet  business  engagements  elsewhere. 
None  but  nobles  and  gentry  are  knights,  and  none  but 
these  will  remain  to  dance  to  our  music  after  that 
episode.  It  is  absolutely  true  that  we  shall  have  to 
fight  nobody  but  these  thirty  thousand  knights.  Now 
speak,  and  it  shall  be  as  you  decide.  Shall  we  avoid 
the  battle,  retire  from  the  field?" 

"NO!!!" 

The  shout  was  unanimous  and  hearty. 

"Are  you — are  you — well,  afraid  of  these  thirty 
thousand  knights?" 

That  joke  brought  out  a  good  laugh,  the  boys' 
troubles  vanished  away,  and  they  went  gaily  to  their 
posts.  Ah,  they  were  a  darling  fifty-two  !  As  pretty 
as  girls,  too. 

I  was  ready  for  the  enemy,  now.  Let  the  ap 
proaching  big  day  come  along — it  would  find  us  on 
deck. 

The  big  day  arrived  on  time.  At  dawn  the  sentry 
on  watch  in  the  corral  came  into  the  cave  and  re 
ported  a  moving  black  mass  under  the  horizon,  and 
a  faint  sound  which  he  thought  to  be  military  music. 
Breakfast  was  just  ready  ;  we  sat  down  and  ate  it. 

This  over,  I  made  the  boys  a  little  speech,  and 
then  sent  out  a  detail  to  man  the  battery,  with  Clar 
ence  in  command  of  it. 

The  sun  rose  presently  and  sent  its  unobstructed 
splendors  over  the  land,  and  we  saw  a  prodigious  host 
moving  slowly  toward  us,  with  the  steady  drift  and 
aligned  front  of  a  wave  of  the  sea.  Nearer  and  nearer  it 
came,  and  more  and  more  sublimely  imposing  became 


416 

its  aspect ;  yes,  all  England  was  there,  apparently. 
Soon  we  could  see  the  innumerable  banners  fluttering, 
and  then  the  sun  struck  the  sea  of  armor  and  set  it  all 
aflash.  Yes,  it  was  a  fine  sight ;  I  hadn't  ever  seen 
anything  to  beat  it. 

At  last  we  could  make  out  details.  All  the  front 
ranks,  no  telling  how  many  acres  deep,  were  horsemen 
—plumed  knights  in  armor.  Suddenly  we  heard  the 
blare  of  trumpets ;  the  slow  walk  burst  into  a  gallop, 
and  then — well,  it  was  wonderful  to  see !  Down 
swept  that  vast  horses-shoe  wave — it  approached  the 
sand-belt — my  breath  stood  still ;  nearer,  nearer — the 
strip  of  green  turf  beyond  the  yellow  belt  grew  narrow 
—narrower  still — became  a  mere  ribbon  in  front  of  the 
horses — then  disappeared  under  their  hoofs.  Great 
Scott !  Why,  the  whole  front  of  that  host  shot  into 
the  sky  with  a  thunder-crash,  and  became  a  whirling 
tempest  of  rags  and  fragments ;  and  along  the  ground 
lay  a  thick  wall  of  smoke  that  hid  what  was  left  of 
the  multitude  from  our  sight. 

Time  for  the  second  step  in  the  plan  of  campaign ! 
I  touched  a  button,  and  shook  the  bones  of  England 
loose  from  her  spine  ! 

In  that  explosion  all  our  noble  civilization-facto 
ries  went  up  in  the  air  and  disappeared  from  the 
earth.  It  was  a  pity,  but  it  was  necessary.  We  could 
not  afford  to  let  the  enemy  turn  our  own  weapons 
against  us. 

Now  ensued  one  of  the  dullest  quarter-hours  I  had 
ever  endured.  \Ve  waited  in  a  silent  solitude  enclosed 
by  our  circles  of  wire,  and  by  a  circle  of  heavy  smoke 
outside  of  these.  We  couldn't  see  over  the  wall  of 
smoke,  and  we  couldn't  see  through  it.  But  at  last 


r 


417 

it  began  to  shred  away  lazily,  and  by  the  end  of 
another  quarter -hour  the  land  was  clear  and  our 
curiosity  was  enabled  to  satisfy  itself.  No  living 
creature  was  in  sight!  We  now  perceived  that  addi 
tions  had  been  made  to  our  defences.  The  dynamite 
had  dug  a  ditch  more  than  a  hundred  feet  wide,  all 
around  us,  and  cast  up  an  embankment  some  twenty- 
five  feet  high  on  both  borders  of  it.  As  to  destruction 
of  life,  it  was  amazing.  Moreover,  it  was  beyond  esti 
mate.  Of  course  we  could  not  count  the  dead,  because 
they  did  not  exist  as  individuals,  but  merely  as  homo 
geneous  protoplasm,  with  alloys  of  iron  and  buttons. 

No  life  was  in  sight,  but  necessarily  there  must 
have  been  some  wounded  in  the  rear  ranks,  who  were 
carried  off  the  field  under  cover  of  the  wall  of  smoke ; 
there  would  be  sickness  among  the  others — there 
always  is,  after  an  episode  like  that.  But  there  would 
be  no  reinforcements ;  this  was  the  last  stand  of  the 
chivalry  of  England  ;  it  was  all  that  was  left  of  the 
order,  after  the  recent  annihilating  wars.  So  I  felt 
quite  safe  in  believing  that  the  utmost  force  that 
could  for  the  future  be  brought  against  us  would  be 
but  small ;  that  is,  of  knights.  I  therefore  issued  a  con 
gratulatory  proclamation  to  my  army  in  these  words: 

SOLDIERS,  CHAMPIONS  OF  HUMAN  LIBERTY  AND  EQUAL 
ITY:  Your  General  congratulates  you!  In  the  pride  of  his 
strength  and  the  vanity  of  his  renown,  an  arrogant  enemy 
came  against  you.  You  were  ready.  The  conflict  was  brief; 
on  your  side,  glorious.  This  mighty  victory  having  been 
achieved  utterly  without  loss,  stands  without  example  in  his 
tory.  So  long  as  the  planets  shall  continue  to  move  in  their 
orbits,  the  BATTLE  OF  THE  SAND-BELT  will  not  perish  out  of 
the  memories  of  men.  THE  BOSS. 


I  read  it  well,  and  the  applause  I  got  was  very 
gratifying  to  me.  I  then  wound  up  with  these  re 
marks  : 

"  The  war  with  the  English  nation,  as  a  nation,  is  at  an 
end.  The  nation  has  retired  from  the  field  and  the  war. 
Before  it  can  be  persuaded  to  return,  war  will  have 
ceased.  This  campaign  is  the  only  one  that  is  going 
to  be  fought.  It  will  be  brief — the  briefest  in  history. 
Also  the  most  destructive  to  life,  considered  from  the 
standpoint  of  proportion  of  casualties  to  numbers 
engaged.  We  are  done  with  the  nation  ;  henceforth 
we  deal  only  with  the  knights.  English  knights  can 
be  killed,  but  they  cannot  be  conquered.  We  know 
what  is  before  us.  While  one  of  these  men  remains 
alive,  our  task  is  not  finished,  the  war  is  not  ended. 
We  will  kill  them  all."  [Loud  and  long  continued 
applause.] 

I  picketed  the  great  embankments  thrown  up 
around  our  lines  by  the  dynamite  explosion — merely 
a  lookout  of  a  couple  of  boys  to  announce  the  enemy 
when  he  should  appear  again. 

Next,  I  sent  an  engineer  and  forty  men  to  a  point 
just  beyond  our  lines  on  the  south,  to  turn  a  moun 
tain  brook  that  was  there,  and  bring  it  within  our 
lines  and  under  our  command,  arranging  it  in  such  a 
way  that  I  could  make  instant  use  of  it  in  an  emer 
gency.  The  forty  men  were  divided  into  two  shifts 
of  twenty  each,  and  were  to  relieve  each  other  every 
two  hours.  In  ten  hours  the  work  was  accomplished. 

It  was  nightfall,  now,  and  I  withdrew  my  pickets. 
The  one  who  had  had  the  northern  outlook  reported 
a  camp  in  sight,  but  visible  with  the  glass  only.  He 
also  reported  that  a  few  knights  had  been  feeling 


419 

their  way  toward  us,  and  had  driven  some  cattle 
across  our  lines,  but  that  the  knights  themselves  had 
not  come  very  near.  That  was  what  I  had  been  ex 
pecting.  They  were  feeling  us,  you  see  ;  they  wanted 
to  know  if  we  were  going  to  play  that  red  terror  on 
them  again.  They  would  grow  bolder  in  the  night, 
perhaps.  I  believed  I  knew  what  project  they  would 
attempt,  because  it  was  plainly  the  thing  I  would 
attempt  myself  if  I  were  in  their  places  and  as  igno 
rant  as  they  were.  I  mentioned  it  to  Clarence. 

"  I  think  you  are  right,"  said  he ;  u  it  is  the  obvious 
thing  for  them  to  try." 

"  Well,  then,"  I  said,  "  if  they  do  it  they  are 
doomed." 

"  Certainly." 

"  They  won't  have  the  slightest  show  in  the  world." 

"  Of  course  they  won't." 

"  It's  dreadful,  Clarence.     It  seems  an  awful  pity." 

The  thing  disturbed  me  so,  that  I  couldn't  get  any 
peace  of  mind  for  thinking  of  it  and  worrying  over  it. 
So,  at  last,  to  quiet  my  conscience,  I  framed  this 
message  to  the  knights : 

To  THE  HONORABLE  THE  COMMANDER  OF  THE  INSURGENT 
CHIVALRY  OF  ENGLAND  :  You  fight  in  vain.  We  know  your 
strength — if  one  may  call  it  by  that  name.  We  know  that  at 
the  utmost  you  cannot  bring  against  us  above  five  and  twenty 
thousand  knights.  Therefore,  you  have  no  chance — none 
whatever.  Reflect :  we  are  well  equipped,  well  fortified,  we 
number  54.  Fifty-four  what?  Men?  No,  minds — the  capa- 
blest  in  the  world;  a  force  against  which  mere  animal  might 
may  no  more  hope  to  prevail  than  may  the  idle  waves  of  the 
sea  hope  to  prevail  against  the  granite  barriers  of  England.  Be 
advised.  We  offer  you  your  lives ;  for  the  sake  of  your  fam- 


420 

ilies,  do  not  reject  the  gift.  We  offer  you  this  chance,  and  it 
is  the  last :  throw  down  your  arms  ;  surrender  unconditionally 
to  the  Republic,  and  all  will  be  forgiven. 

(Signed).         THE  Boss. 

I  read  it  to  Clarence,  and  said  I  proposed  to  send 
it  by  a  flag  of  truce.  He  laughed  the  sarcastic  laugh 
he  was  born  with,  and  said: 

"  Somehow  it  seems  impossible  for  you  to  ever 
fully  realize  what  these  nobilities  are.  Now  let  us 
save  a  little  time  and  trouble.  Consider  me  the 
commander  of  the  knights  yonder.  Now  then,  you 
are  the  flag  of  truce :  approach  and  deliver  me  your 
message,  and  I  will  give  you  your  answer." 

I  humored  the  idea.  I  came  forward  under  an 
imaginary*  guard  of  the  enemy's  soldiers,  produced 
my  paper,  and  read  it  through.  For  answer,  Clarence 
struck  the  paper  out  of  my  hand,  pursed  up  a  scorn 
ful  lip  and  said  with  lofty  disdain — 

"  Dismember  me  this  animal,  and  return  him  in  a 
basket  to  the  base-born  knave  who  sent  him  ;  other 
answer  have  I  none  !" 

How  empty  is  theory  in  presence  of  fact !  And 
this  was  just  fact,  and  nothing  else.  It  was  the  thing 
that  would  have  happened,  there  was  no  getting 
around  that.  I  tore  up  the  paper  and  granted  my 
mistimed  sentimentalities  a  permanent  rest. 

Then,  to  business.  I  tested  the  electric  signals 
from  the  gatling  platform  to  the  cave,  and  made  sure 
that  they  were  all  right ;  I  tested  and  retested  those 
which  commanded  the  fences — these  were  signals 
whereby  I  could  break  and  renew  the  electric  current 
in  each  fence  independently  of  the  others,  at  will.  I 
placed  the  brook -connection  under  the  guard  and 


HIGH    CHURCH 


421 

authority  of  three  of  my  best  boys,  who  would  alter 
nate  in  two-hour  watches  all  night  and  promptly  obey 
my  signal,  if  I  should  have  occasion  to  give  it — three 
revolver-shots  in  quick  succession.  Sentry-duty  was 
discarded  for  the  night,  and  the  corral  left  empty  of 
life;  I  ordered  that  quiet  be  maintained  in  the  cave, 
and  the  electric  lights  turned  down  to  a  glimmer. 

As  soon  as  it  was  good  and  dark,  I  shut  off  the 
current  from  all  of  the  fences,  and  then  groped  my 
way  out  to  the  embankment  bordering  our  side  of  the 
great  dynamite  ditch.  I  crept  to  the  top  of  it  and 
lay  there  on  the  slant  of  the  muck  to  watch.  But  it 
was  too  dark  to  see  anything.  As  for  sounds,  there 
were  none.  The  stillness  was  death-like.  True,  there 
were  the  usual  night-sounds  of  the  country — the  whir 
of  night-birds,  the  buzzing  of  insects,  the  barking  of 
distant  dogs,  the  mellow  lowing  of  far-off  kine — but 
these  didn't  seem  to  break  the  stillness,  they  only  in 
tensified  it,  and  added  a  grewsome  melancholy  to  it 
into  the  bargain. 

I  presently  gave  up  looking,  the  night  shut  down 
so  black,  but  I  kept  my  ears  strained  to  catch  the  least 
suspicious  sound,  for  I  judged  I  had  only  to  wait  and 
I  shouldn't  be  disappointed.  However,  I  had  to  wait 
a  long  time.  At  last  I  caught  what  you  may  call  in 
distinct  glimpses  of  sound — dulled  metallic  sound.  I 
pricked  up  my  ears,  then,  and  held  my  breath,  for 
this  was  the  sort  of  thing  I  had  been  waiting  for. 
This  sound  thickened,  and  approached — from  toward 
the  north.  Presently  I  heard  it  at  my  own  level— 
the  ridge-top  of  the  opposite  embankment,  a  hundred 
feet  or  more  away.  Then  I  seemed  to  see  a  row  of 
black  dots  appear  along  that  ridge — human  heads  ?  I 
28  CY 


422 

couldn't  tell ;  it  mightn't  be  anything  at  all ;  you  can't 
depend  on  your  eyes  when  your  imagination  is  out  of 
focus.  However,  the  question  was  soon  settled.  I 
heard  that  metallic  noise  descending  into  the  great 
ditch.  It  augmented  fast,  it  spread  all  along,  and  it 
unmistakably  furnished  me  this  fact :  an  armed  host 
was  taking  up  its  quarters  in  the  ditch.  Yes,  these 
people  were  arranging  a  little  surprise  party  for  us. 
We  could  expect  entertainment  about  dawn,  possibly 
earlier. 

I  groped  my  way  back  to  the  corral,  now ;  I  had 
seen  enough.  I  went  to  the  platform  and  signalled 
to  turn  the  current  onto  the  two  inner  fences.  Then 
I  went  into  the  cave,  and  found  everything  satisfactory 
there — nobody  awake  but  the  working-watch.  I  woke 
Clarence  and  told  him  the  great  ditch  was  filling  up 
with  men,  and  that  I  believed  all  the  knights  were 
coming  for  us  in  a  body.  It  was  my  notion  that  as 
soon  as  dawn  approached  we  could  expect  the  ditch's 
ambuscaded  thousands  to  swarm  up  over  the  embank 
ment  and  make  an  assault,  and  be  followed  immediate 
ly  by  the  rest  of  their  army. 

Clarence  said : 

"  They  will  be  wanting  to  send  a  scout  or  two  in 
the  dark  to  make  preliminary  observations.  Why  not 
take  the  lightning  off  the  outer  fences,  and  give  them 
a  chance?" 

"  I've  already  done  it,  Clarence.  Did  you  ever  know 
me  to  be  inhospitable?" 

"  No,  you  are  a  good  heart.     I. want  to  go  and — " 

"  Be  a  reception  committee?     I  will  go,  too." 

We  crossed  the  corral  and  lay  down  together  be 
tween  the  two  inside  fences.  Even  the  dim  light  of 


4*3 

the  cave  had  disordered  our  eyesight  somewhat,  but 
the  focus  straightway  began  to  regulate  itself  and  soon 
it  was  adjusted  for  present  circumstances.  We  had 
had  to  feel  our  way  before,  but  we  could  make  out  to 
see  the  fence  posts  now.  We  started  a  whispered 
conversation,  but  suddenly  Clarence  broke  off  and 
said : 

"What  is  that?" 

"What  is  what?" 

"That  thing  yonder?" 

"  What  thing— where?" 

"  There  beyond  you  a  little  piece — a  dark  something 
— a  dull  shape  of  some  kind — against  the  second 
fence." 

I  gazed  and  he  gazed.     I  said : 

"Could  it  be  a  man,  Clarence?" 

"  No,  I  think  not.  If  you  notice,  it  looks  a  lit— 
why,  it  is  a  man  ! — leaning  on  the  fence." 

"  I  certainly  believe  it  is ;  let  us  go  and  see." 

We  crept  along  on  our  hands  and  knees  until  we 
were  pretty  close,  and  then  looked  up.  Yes,  it  was  a 
man — a  dim  great  figure  in  armor,  standing  erect, 
with  both  hands  on  the  upper  wire — and  of  course 
there  was  a  smell  of  burning  flesh.  Poor  fellow,  dead 
as  a  door-nail,  and  never  knew  what  hurt  him.  He 
stood  there  like  a  statue — no  motion  about  him,  ex 
cept  that  his  plumes  swished  about  a  little  in  the 
night  wind.  We  rose  up  and  looked  in  through  the 
bars  of  his  visor,  but  couldn't  make  out  whether  we 
knew  him  or  not — features  too  dim  and  shadowed. 

We  heard  muffled  sounds  approaching,  and  we  sank 
down  to  the  ground  where  we  were.  We  made  out 
another  knight  vaguely ;  he  was  coming  very  stealth- 


424 

ily,  and  feeling  his  way.  He  was  near  enough,  now, 
for  us  to  see  him  put  out  a  hand,  find  an  upper  wire, 
then  bend  and  step  under  it  and  over  the  lower  one. 
Now  he  arrived  at  the  first  knight — and  started  slightly 
when  he  discovered  him.  He  stood  a  moment — no 
doubt  wondering  why  the  other  one  didn't  move  on ; 
then  he  said,  in  a  low  voice,  "  Why  dreamest  thou 
here,  good  Sir  Mar — "  then  he  laid  his  hand  on  the 
corpse's  shoulder — and  just  uttered  a  little  soft  moan 
and  sunk  down  dead.  Killed  by  a  dead  man,  you  see 
—killed  by  a  dead  friend,  in  fact.  There  was  some 
thing  awful  about  it. 

These  early  birds  came  scattering  along  after  each 
other,  about  one  every  five  minutes  in  our  vicinity, 
during  half  an  hour.  They  brought  no  armor  of  of 
fence  but  their  swords ;  as  a  rule  they  carried  the 
sword  ready  in  the  hand,  and  put  it  forward  and  found 
the  wires  with  it.  We  would  now  and  then  see  a 
blue  spark  when  the  knight  that  caused  it  was  so  far 
away  as  to  be  invisible  to  us  ;  but  we  knew  what  had 
happened,  all  the  same;  poor  fellow,  he  had  touched 
a  charged  wire  with  his  sword  and  been  elected.  We 
had  brief  intervals  of  grim  stillness,  interrupted  with 
piteous  regularity  by  the  clash  made  by  the  falling  of 
an  iron-clad ;  and  this  sort  of  thing  was  going  on, 
right  along,  and  was  very  creepy,  there  in  the  dark 
and  lonesomeness. 

We  concluded  to  make  a  tour  between  the  inner 
fences.  We  elected  to  walk  upright,  for  convenience 
sake  ;  we  argued  that  if  discerned,  we  should  be  taken 
for  friends  rather  than  enemies,  and  in  any  case  we 
should  be  out  of  reach  of  swords,  and  these  gentry 
did  not  seem  to  have  any  spears  along.  Well,  it  was 


425 

a  curious  trip.  Everywhere  dead  men  were  lying  out 
side  the  second  fence — not  plainly  visible,  but  still 
visible ;  and  we  counted  fifteen  of  those  pathetic  stat 
ues —  dead  knights  standing  with  their  hands  on  the 
upper  wire. 

One  thing  seemed  to  be  sufficiently  demonstrated : 
our  current  was  so  tremendous  that  it  killed  before 
the  victim  could  cry  out.  Pretty  soon  we  detected  a 
muffled  and  heavy  sound,  and  next  moment  we 
guessed  what  it  was.  It  was  a  surprise  in  force  com 
ing  !  I  whispered  Clarence  to  go  and  wake  the 
army,  and  notify  it  to  wait  in  silence  in  the  cave  for 
further  orders.  He  was  soon  back,  and  we  stood  by 
the  inner  fence  and  watched  the  silent  lightning  do 
its  awful  work  upon  that  swarming  host.  One  could 
make  out  but  little  of  detail ;  but  he  could  note  that 
a  black  mass  was  piling  itself  up  beyond  the  second 
fence.  That  swelling  bulk  was  dead  men  !  Our  camp 
was  enclosed  with  a  solid  wall  of  the  dead — a  bulwark, 
a  breastwork,  of  corpses,  you  may  say.  One  terrible 
thing  about  this  thing  was  the  absence  of  human 
voices ;  there  were  no  cheers,  no  war  cries :  being  in 
tent  upon  a  surprise,  these  men  moved  as  noiseless 
ly  as  they  could  ;  and  always  when  the  front  rank 
was  near  enough  to  their  goal  to  make  it  proper 
for  them  to  begin  to  get  a  shout  ready,  of  course 
they  struck  the  fatal  line  and  went  down  without  tes 
tifying. 

I  sent  a  current  through  the  third  fence,  now ;  and 
almost  immediately  through  the  fourth  and  fifth,  so 
quickly  were  the  gaps  filled  up.  I  believed  the  time 
was  come,  now,  for  my  climax ;  I  believed  that  that 
whole  army  was  in  our  trap.  Anyway,  it  was  high 


426 

time  to  find  out.  So  I  touched  a  button  and  set  fifty 
electric  suns  aflame  on  the  top  of  our  precipice. 

Land,  what  a  sight !  We  were  enclosed  in  three 
walls  of  dead  men !  All  the  other  fences  were  pretty 
nearly  filled  with  the  living,  who  were  stealthily  work 
ing  their  way  forward  through  the  wires.  The  sudden 
glare  paralyzed  this  host,  petrified  them,  you  may  say, 
with  astonishment ;  there  was  just  one  instant  for  me 
to  utilize  their  immobility  in,  and  I  didn't  lose  the 
chance.  You  see,  in  another  instant  they  would  have 
recovered  their  faculties,  then  they'd  have  burst  into 
a  cheer  and  made  a  rush,  and  my  wires  would  have 
gone  down  before  it ;  but  that  lost  instant  lost  them 
their  opportunity  forever ;  while  even  that  slight  frag 
ment  of  time  was  still  unspent,  I  shot  the  current 
through  all  the  fences  and  struck  the  whole  host  dead 
in  their  tracks !  There  was  a  groan  you  could  hear  ! 
It  voiced  the  death-pang  of  eleven  thousand  men.  It 
swelled  out  on  the  night  with  awful  pathos. 

A  glance  showed  that  the  rest  of  the  enemy — per 
haps  ten  thousand  strong — were  between  us  and  the 
encircling  ditch,  and  pressing  forward  to  the  assault. 
Consequently  we  had  them  all!  and  had  them  past 
help.  Time  for  the  last  act  of  the  tragedy.  I  fired 
the  three  appointed  revolver  shots — which  meant : 

"  Turn  on  the  water  !" 

There  was  a  sudden  rush  and  roar,  and  in  a  minute 
the  mountain  brook  was  raging  through  the  big  ditch 
and  creating  a  river  a  hundred  feet  wide  and  twenty- 
five  deep. 

"  Stand  to  your  guns,  men  !     Open  fire  !" 

The  thirteen  gatlings  began  to  vomit  death  into  the 
fated  ten  thousand.  They  halted,  they  stood  their 


427 

ground  a  moment  against  that  withering  deluge  of 
fire,  then  they  broke,  faced  about  and  swept  toward 
the  ditch  like  chaff  before  a  gale.  A  full  fourth  part 
of  their  force  never  reached  the  top  of  the  lofty  em 
bankment  ;  the  three-fourths  reached  it  and  plunged 
over — to  death  by  drowning. 

Within  ten  short  minutes  after  we  had  opened  fire, 
armed  resistance  was  totally  annihilated,  the  campaign 
was  ended,  we  fifty-four  were  masters  of  England ! 
Twenty-five  thousand  men  lay  dead  around  us. 

But  how  treacherous  is  fortune !  In  a  little  while — 
say  an  hour — happened  a  thing,  by  my  own  fault, 
which — but  I  have  no  heart  to  write  that.  Let  the 
record  end  here. 


CHAPTER   XLIV 
A    POSTSCRIPT    BY   CLARENCE 

I,  CLARENCE,  must  write  it  for  him.  He  proposed 
that  we  two  go  out  and  see  if  any  help  could  be  af 
forded  the  wounded.  I  was  strenuous  against  the 
project.  I  said  that  if  there  were  many,  we  could  do 
but  little  for  them ;  and  it  would  not  be  wise  for  us  to 
trust  ourselves  among  them,  anyway.  But  he  could 
seldom  be  turned  from  a  purpose  once  formed ;  so  we 
shut  off  the  electric  current  from  the  fences,  took  an 
escort  along,  climbed  over  the  enclosing  ramparts  of 
dead  knights,  and  moved  out  upon  the  field.  The  first 
wounded  man  who  appealed  for  help,  was  sitting  with 
his  back  against  a  dead  comrade.  When  The  Boss 
bent  over  him  and  spoke  to  him,  the  man  recognized 
him  and  stabbed  him.  That  knight  was  Sir  Melia- 
graunce,  as  I  found  out  by  tearing  off  his  helmet.  He 
will  not  ask  for  help  any  more. 

We  carried  The  Boss  to  the  cave  and  gave  his 
wound,  which  was  not  very  serious,  the  best  care  we 
could.  In  this  service  we  had  the  help  of  Merlin, 
though  we  did  not  J<now  it.  He  was  disguised  as  a 
woman,  and  appeared  to  be  a  simple  old  peasant 
goodwife.  In  this  disguise,  with  brown-stained  face 
and  smooth  shaven,  he  had  appeared  a  few  days  after 
The  Boss  was  hurt,  and  offered  to  cook  for  us,  saying 


429 

her  people  had  gone  off  to  join  certain  new  camps 
which  the  enemy  were  forming,  and  that  she  was 
starving.  The  Boss  had  been  getting  along  very  well, 
and  had  amused  himself  with  finishing  up  his  record. 

We  were  glad  to  have  this  woman,  for  we  were 
short  handed.  We  were  in  a  trap,  you  see — a  trap  of 
our  own  making.  If  we  stayed  where  we  were,  our 
dead  would  kill  us;  if  we  moved  out  of  our  defences, 
we  should  no  longer  be  invincible.  We  had  con 
quered  ;  in  turn  we  were  conquered.  The  Boss  rec 
ognized  this  ;  we  all  recognized  it.  If  we  could  go  to 
one  of  those  new  camps  and  patch  up  some  kind  of 
terms  with  the  enemy — yes,  but  The  Boss  could  not 
go,  and  neither  could  I,  for  I  was  among  the  first  that 
were  made  sick  by  the  poisonous  air  bred  by  those 
dead  thousands.  Others  were  taken  down,  and  still 
others.  To-morrow — 

To-morroiu.  It  is  here.  And  with  it  the  end. 
About  midnight  I  awoke,  and  saw  that  hag  making 
curious  passes  in  the  air  about  The  Boss's  head  and 
face,  and  wondered  what  it  meant.  Everybody  but 
the  dynamo-watch  lay  steeped  in  sleep  ;  there  was  no 
sound.  The  woman  ceased  from  her  mysterious  fool 
ery,  and  started  tip-toeing  toward  the  door.  I  called 
out — 

"Stop!     What  have  you  been  doing?" 

She  halted,  and  said  with  an  accent  of  malicious  sat 
isfaction  : 

"  Ye  were  conquerors ;  ye  are  conquered  !  These 
others  are  perishing — you  also.  Ye  shall  all  die  in 
this  place  —  every  one  —  except  him.  He  sleepeth, 
now — and  shall  sleep  thirteen  centuries.  I  am  Mer 
lin  !" 


43Q 

Then  such  a  delirium  of  silly  laughter  overtook  him 
that  he  reeled  about  like  a  drunken  man,  and  pres 
ently  fetched  up  against  one  of  our  wires.  His  mouth 
is  spread  open  yet ;  apparently  he  is  still  laughing.  I 
suppose  the  face  will  retain  that  petrified  laugh  until 
the  corpse  turns  to  dust. 

The  Boss  has  never  stirred — sleeps  like  a  stone.  If 
he  does  not  wake  to-day  we  shall  understand  what 
kind  of  a  sleep  it  is,  and  his  body  will  then  be  borne 
to  a  place  in  one  of  the  remote  recesses  of  the  cave 
where  none  will  ever  find  it  to  desecrate  it.  As  for 
the  rest  of  us — well,  it  is  agreed  that  if  any  one  of  us 
ever  escapes  alive  from  this  place,  he  will  write  the 
fact  here,  and  loyally  hide  this  Manuscript  with  The 
Boss,  our  dear  good  chief,  whose  property  it  is,  be  he 
alive  or  dead. 


END  OF  THE   MANUSCRIPT 


FINAL  P.  S.  BY  M.  T. 

THE  dawn  was  come  when  I  laid  the  Manuscript 
aside.  The  rain  had  almost  ceased,  the  world  was 
gray  and  sad,  the  exhausted  storm  was  sighing  and 
sobbing  itself  to  rest.  I  went  to  the  stranger's  room, 
and  listened  at  his  door,  which  was  slightly  ajar.  I 
could  hear  his  voice,  and  so  I  knocked.  There  was  no 
answer,  but  I  still  heard  the  voice.  I  peeped  in.  The 
man  lay  on  his  back,  in  bed,  talking  brokenly  but 
with  spirit,  and  punctuating  with  his  arms,  which  he 
thrashed  about,  restlessly,  as  sick  people  do  in  deliri 
um.  I  slipped  in  softly  and  bent  over  him.  His  mut- 
terings  and  ejaculations  went  on.  I  spoke — merely 
a  word,  to  call  his  attention.  His  glassy  eyes  and  his 
ashy  face  were  alight  in  an  instant  with  pleasure, 
gratitude,  gladness,  welcome : 

"  O,  Sandy,  you  are  come  at  last  —  how  I  have 
longed  for  you  !  Sit  by  me — do  not  leave  me — never 
leave  me  again,  Sandy,  never  again.  Where  is  your 
hand  ? — give  it  me,  dear,  let  me  hold  it — there — now 
all  is  well,  all  is  peace,  and  I  am  happy  again — we  are 
happy  again,  isn't  it  so,  Sandy  ?  You  are  so  dim,  so 
vague,  you  are  but  a  mist,  a  cloud,  but  you  are  here, 
and  that  is  blessedness  sufficient;  and  I  have  your 
hand  ;  don't  take  it  away — it  is  for  only  a  little  while, 
I  shall  not  require  it  long Was  that  the  child? 


432 

....  Hello-Central!  .  .  .  She  doesn't  answer.  Asleep, 
perhaps  ?  Bring  her  when  she  wakes,  and  let  me  touch 
her  hands,  her  face,  her  hair,  and  tell  her  good-bye. 
Sandy ! Yes,  you  are  there.  I  lost  my 
self  a  moment,  and  I  thought  you  were  gone.  .  .  Have 
I  been  sick  long?  It  must  be  so;  it  seems  months 
to  me.  And  such  dreams !  such  strange  and  awful 
dreams,  Sandy!  Dreams  that  were  as  real  as  reality 
— delirium,  of  course,  but  so  real !  Why,  I  thought 
the  king  was  dead,  I  thought  you  were  in  Gaul  and 
couldn't  get  home,  I  thought  there  was  a  revolution ; 
in  the  fantastic  frenzy  of  these  dreams,  I  thought  that 
Clarence  and  I  and  a  handful  of  my  cadets  fought 
and  exterminated  the  whole  chivalry  of  England! 
But  even  that  was  not  the  strangest.  I  seemed  to  be 
a  creature  out  of  a  remote  unborn  age,  centuries 
hence,  and  even  that  was  as  real  as  the  rest !  Yes,  I 
seemed  to  have  flown  back  out  of  that  age  into  this 
of  ours,  and  then  forward  to  it  again,  and  was  set 
down,  a  stranger  and  forlorn  in  that  strange  England, 
with  an  abyss  of  thirteen  centuries  yawning  between 
me  and  you  !  between  me  and  my  home  and  my 
friends !  between  me  and  all  that  is  dear  to  me,  all 
that  could  make  life  worth  the  living!  It  was  awful 
— awfuler  than  you  can  ever  imagine,  Sandy.  Ah, 
watch  by  me,  Sandy — stay  by  me  every  moment — 
dont  let  me  go  out  of  my  mind  a^ain ;  death  is 
nothing,  let  it  come,  but  not  with  those  dreams,  not 
with  the  torture  of  those  hideous  dree.ms — I  cannot 

endure  tliat  again Sandy  ? " 

He  lay  muttering  incoherently  some  little  time; 
then  for  a  time  he  lay  silent,  and  apparently  sinking 
away  toward  death.  Presently  his  fingers  began  to 


433 

pick  busily  at  the  coverlet,  and  by  that  sign  I  knew 
that  his  end  was  at  hand.  With  the  first  suggestion 
of  the  death-rattle  in  his  throat  he  started  up  slightly, 
and  seemed  to  listen ;  then  he  said : 

"A  bugle? It  is  the  king!  The  draw 
bridge,  there!  Man  the  battlements! — turn  out 
the—" 

He  was  getting  up  his  last  "  effect ;"  but  he  never 
finished  it. 


THE  END 


TCH*f%^ 
n  R  igp°  *     - — — 

11 


due  date. 


\  \ 


CObOOfllDl? 


/ ; 


j  j 


^   £  s* 


